Andrey what is family life. I work My wife works In the evening we eat

If women's nipples require censorship and men's do not, can I censor women's nipples with men's?

* * *
Labor lesson for girls in the fifth grade. The teacher says:
- Girls, today we have a very difficult topic: turning the edge inside out.
One of the students holds out her hand and asks:
- Maria Ivanovna, what is it that turns out - the starry sky is inside us, and the moral law is above our heads?

* * *
Conversation with husband. My name is Marina, his name is Denis.
Me: My name means sea, I need the sea and constantly swim!
Husband: And mine is the God of winemaking and fertility, now you understand me.

* * *
Andrey, what is family life?
- I'm working. The wife is working. We eat in the evening.

* * *
A man comes to a psychiatrist. He has a sock pulled over his fist. He sits down and says sadly:
- Doctor, I have a sock on my fist, it bothers me ...
- Well, take it off, if it bothers you.
He takes off his sock - and, happily nodding his head:
- Thank you Doctor...
Walks out the door.
The doctor sits and stares blankly at the door for half a minute. Then he can’t stand it, jumps up, tears his shirt off and overturns the table yelling:
- Fuck! Za@bali! Psychos!

* * *
It is especially difficult to look for a job when you don't feel like working.

* * *
NASA came up with a cannon that was loaded with chicken carcasses and fired at wind
glass of aircraft, to check their strength in a collision with
birds on takeoff and landing. The charge was calculated so that the speed of the chicken
corresponds to the speed of the aircraft during takeoff/landing. Learned about the tests
the British and fired up to check their high-speed train for the same. NASA
sent them a gun. Tests. Shot. Chicken breaks especially strong
the windshield of the express train into fine dust, pierces the dashboard
board, knocks down the driver's seat and sticks to the back wall of the cab. Oh @ eaten
the British send a test report along with chemical composition glass and
window design to NASA asking for explanations and recommendations. Answer from
NASA fit in one line: "Thaw the chicken."

* * *
- I remember that in my youth my wife was terribly jealous of me, she read all the text messages on my phone.
Mine still does it.
- Come on, you've been married for 20 years. You don't go to the left. What does she want to see there?
"Your salary has been credited to your account."

* * *
- Mom, what about - you rented another hectare of land ??
- Yes, how did you know?
- Yes, the horse hanged himself behind the barn.

* * *
Don't plan anything for the weekend!
- Doctor, just tell me the diagnosis ...

* * *
Spoiler
- Don't bother me, I'm reading the Gospel!
- The killer is Pontius Pilate.

* * *
If the Moscow authorities had scattered over the city from an airplane 100 million rubles allocated for dispersal of the clouds, this would have caused more delight!

* * *
Children's cry from the hallway:
- Ma-am! Ma-a-ma-a! Mom!
- Well, what are you yelling about?! I'm in the living room. Come here and say normally what you need.
The child slaps through the whole apartment, approaches his mother:
- Mom, I stepped into the shit here. Where can I wash my sandal?

* * *
Scientists at Stanford University have created an algorithm that allows a computer with a probability of more than 90% to detect gays from a regular photo. A draft law banning the use of American software on the territory of the Russian Federation has been submitted to the State Duma out of turn.

* * *
A guy and a girl enter the pharmacy.
Girl cheerfully like this:
- What kind of condoms do you have?
Seller:
- Go, please, to this showcase, choose.
The guy whispers to the seller:
- And sleeping pills, please.

* * *
Babs!!! Where is your summer?

* * *
Ladies with an exclamation mark on your windshield, forget your cell phone in the car until this sticker fades.

* * *
The wife calls her husband:
- It smells awful from the stairs. Something was clearly dead there. Figure it out.
- Come on, the neighbors are cooking.
- Go and smell it yourself.
Husband leaves, returns five minutes later:
- We were both right. Something died there, the neighbors found it and are preparing it.

* * *
There are always two paths in life:
One is easy, the other is the one that I fuck with.

* * *
Wife to husband:
- Honey, I'm pregnant!
- That's really from whom, from whom, but from you I did not expect at all!

* * *
- where are you?
- I'm at the bottom.
- What, completely lowered?
- Fool, I'm at the bottom of the city!

* * *
wife to husband
- Why did you grow such a belly!
- This is not a belly, but a HILL OF GLORY!
- I see ... Under it - a FALLEN WARRIOR

* * *
- Dear, what will you give me for the holiday?
- Do you see a black Mercedes outside the window?
- Yes!
- That's exactly the same color tights!

* * *
- I'm Victor, and I'm an alcoholic, I drink vodka.
- I'm Anatoly, and I'm an alcoholic, I drink whiskey.
- I'm Sergey, and I'm an alcoholic, I drink tequila.
- I'm Roman and I'm a bartender. Accepted orders.

* * *
Sarah: - Abram, I have a pimple!
Abraham: Really? Sarah: - No, next!

* * *
Telephone conversation:
- Honey, what are you doing there without me?
- Yes, dear, then one thing, then another, then I’ll rinse a glass ...

What is good for a Russian is forbidden by the Ministry of Health.

Went with the guys in a cafe just to have dinner. Well, as usual, we decided to take a hundred. I go up to the bartender: - Three for a hundred! and I pay money.
The bartender silently places three glasses and an unopened bottle of vodka on the bar.
- I asked three for a hundred!
The guy's answer first plunged me into a state of mild euphoria, and then I realized that knowing our psychology increases sales for people like him to heaven.
He said: - Stay, bring it back.

I have a former SMS here, but I don’t answer her. She draws conclusions from my silence and asks new questions! I think she will agree with herself in the end. The main thing is not to quarrel!

Penguins were given wings not to fly, but simply to be. Some people have this with their brains.

It is very difficult for a child to behave decently if he has never seen how it is done.

Winter Is Coming. I lie in bed, on my feet "cozy stubble." The husband approaches, begins to gently drive along the leg with his hand. It becomes embarrassing (usually I don’t allow myself “extra” vegetation), I start kicking, to which, raising an eyebrow, he gives out: “What, I don’t like it against the wool, right ?!)” .

Here's the ad: "I'm selling a dress, beautiful, new, but causing a terrible skin itch in anyone." What kind of cretins write this?
- Write because people buy.
What idiot would buy this?
When is your mother-in-law's birthday?
What's the phone number on the ad?

I want to get rich quick and tell everyone that money is not the main thing.

Alexey, you are going on a business trip on Wednesday. to Norilsk. For a week.
- What about on Wednesday? On Friday, a corporate party, and I mean on a business trip?
- Do you remember last year's corporate party?
- Not.
- Have you been shown pictures?
- Well, to Norilsk, so to Norilsk.

Once I launched a boomerang and it didn't come back. Since then, I live in fear every day.

On the beach:
- Madame, I can't! IM married!
- Do not lie, scoundrel, at the resort you are all single!

Rabinovich got rich, built a mansion and leads a friend around it. - Here is the salon ... This is the bedroom ... This is my office ... And in this dining room they can dine at the same time - God forbid! - fifty people.

What to hang on the tree next year became a year of wealth and prosperity?
- Have you tried the President and the Prime Minister?

- Andrei, what is family life?
- I'm working. The wife is working. We eat in the evening.

One day I really wanted chicken. I bought a chicken, cooked it, ate it. All. After that, I was not very well and for the rest of the pregnancy I could not even stand the word “chicken”. On this occasion, in the family, she was renamed "Badger". Ignorant people were very amused by the badger soups mentioned in the conversation, fried badger legs, but most of all badger eggs!

The insurance agent persuaded Rabinovich to insure against fire, and then warned:
- But you understand that the company will not reimburse you if you set fire to your house yourself.
Rabinovich shouts to his wife in another room:
- Tsilya, you heard, I immediately felt that something was unclean in this case.

Darling, why did you buy so many non-booze?

Time cures. But how many side effects!

Life is beautiful when there is no place for feat in it!

I thought there were no ugly people...until I tried on a pool cap.

Entry in the military ticket: "Laughing in the circus."

2016 The State Duma is discussing a ban on catching Pokemon.
2017 The State Duma passes a law regulating the catching of Pokemon.
2018 year. A law is being discussed to purchase rare Pokémon for deputies and their families.

Do not pester the silent with questions! And suddenly he is silent about you? How about obscene?

Tip: in case of fire, the first thing we do is save designer branded items. You will always renew your passport. Gucci won't change anything for you!

According to sociologists, if the elections were held next Sunday, Trump would have won. Polls were conducted in Northern and Southern Butovo.

Do not hold back the one who leaves you ... otherwise the one who comes to you will not come.

Women's friendship is just a non-aggression pact.

Help the burnt out. All my property burned down, and I myself ran away, in what I was.
- Do you have a document stating that you are a fire victim?
- Unfortunately, the document also burned down.

Americans say: "We are the best in everything, we are the very first in the world." Probably, they first descended from monkeys, and they remained their closest relatives.

Gingerbread Man has changed a lot lately - it has become so callous ...

The most characteristic example of the victory of form over content is the portraits of Che Guevara on the windows of departments selling expensive cigars.

The attending physician explains:
- Tell your wife not to worry about the fact that her hearing has become worse, this is purely age-related. This happens to everyone...
- Age? No, thank you, tell her about it yourself. Age, maybe, happens to everyone, but not my wife.

The nose itched - the liver shuddered.

The German Kaiser visits the hospital shortly before the end of the war. He is friendly with patients. Everyone says they are sure of victory. The Kaiser approaches the bed of the wounded Jew.
- Of course we will win, Your Majesty! But I must give advice just in case: rewrite the province of Brandenburg in the name of the wife.

Tell me, dear friend, - the new convert asks his believing friend, - I want to be baptized tomorrow. How should I dress?
- With all the desire, I can’t answer: in our family, diapers are used for this.

The last entry from the Schiaparelli lander has been deciphered:
- Fuck I will, Martians! Yes, how evil...

No "ok google" can compare with "maaaaaaam"!

Sir, it's time to drop our paratroopers on the heads of the enemy!
- I checked their combat training.
- And what, sir?
- They must be dropped on the heads of enemies without parachutes. Only then can the enemy have casualties among the personnel.

Dzhigurda wanted to sell his soul to the devil. But something went wrong and only a beard was sold.

Plans for the evening:
1. Put on a lab coat.
2. Get on a full bus/trolleybus/train.
3. Simulate an attack of severe coughing.
4. Get a voice recorder out of your pocket and say: "The virus is becoming more aggressive, we urgently need to look for a cure."

What is the difference between a good hostess and a bad one?
- A good housewife always has an order in the closet, and a bad housewife has a lover.

But we warned the West that for bullying our Olympians they would face a terrible asymmetrical response. And then he followed - smashing on the spot and extremely asymmetrical: the main culprit of the disgrace was promoted from the Minister of Sports to the Deputy Prime Minister. Well, the West, probably crap? That's it!

“Ugh, it’s passed,” Lavrov sighed with relief, “but Mutko could have been appointed deputy foreign minister. His English is at the level.”

Petro Poroshenko accused Donald Trump of sexual harassment.

Ukrainians, visa-free will be in November!
- Which year?
- Oh, everything!

The European Union promised to cancel visas for Ukraine immediately after it builds bases on the Moon and Mars.

Obama supported Hillary Clinton in the election, because if she wins, he will no longer be considered the worst president in US history.

Only separatists and agents of the Kremlin demand warm batteries - real patriots of Ukraine dream of exploring the Moon and Mars.

I had two dreams,” Trump said at the polling station. - One to become president, and the other - to suck Madonna on me. Now one of them is finally coming true!

"Difficult to learn? Easy to fight!" - the military commissar greeted the students expelled for poor progress.

What can strain a husband more than a wife who asks and asks to buy a fur coat?
- A wife who asks and asks for a fur coat, and then once again walks in a fur coat. My husband didn't buy.

It was a long time ago, the children still went to kindergarten, and I still did not work ...
And somehow she took the children to the kindergarten, sent her husband to work, and she started cleaning herself.
I took a mop, squeezed it between my legs and thought about where to start.
Then my husband runs in (he forgot his mobile phone), looked at me and asked:
- Where are you going?

Make a sentence with the word "allow".
- Allow, who is calling?

A soldier walks through the village, hungry, tired, soon it will be night. Knocks on the first hut, asks to be allowed to spend the night. He is asked:
- Do you know how to play fart cards?
- Not.
- Well, go on then.
In the second hut the same story, in the third. A soldier approaches the last hut, knocks:
- Granny, let me spend the night!
- Do you know how to play fart cards, son?
- To hell with you, I can.
Dinner, go to bed. Grandma says here:
- Well, grandfather, come on, start!
Grandfather is like f ... et, the nightstand fell off.
- Six! Bay, grandma!
Grandma p...nula, the wardrobe fell.
- And here's your jack! Well, son, your move!
The soldier tensed up, kaaaaak n ... no - the whole hut collapsed. Grandfather with grandmother:
- Well, you, my dear, WARN WHEN YOU ENTER WITH trump cards!!!

For 18 years, my parents gave me a new phone. After it turned out that I have to give a loan for him for a whole year :/

I'd like a T-shirt with the words "Sex Giant" on it, please.
- What size?
- Escu.

Mom found out that I started smoking, well, for starters, she broke me with my father’s belt, and in the evening she told my father, I was expecting a second serve, but my father behaved strangely, read a speech about the dangers of smoking, and then said that I was already an adult (17 years old) and I can do it myself make decisions, and type you can smoke.
The next day, when I arrived in the evening, I defiantly pulled out a pack of "Rhodopi" from my pocket in front of my father, and .. immediately caught it in my ear.
It’s just that Dad was a drunk the day before, and he didn’t remember our conversation.

If a woman did not shave her legs, then she did not count on sex. The same is true for men if they are wearing underpants.

Yesterday's jokes are

A few weeks ago, Natalya Shevel demanded that the sons of Ivan Krasko from a previous relationship undergo a DNA test. The girl did not believe that her husband could have two sons after 70 years. However, the examination proved the paternity of the actor.

It seemed that after that the girl would not be able to find mutual language with her husband's ex-girlfriend Natalya Vyal. Soon, Krasko appeared with his ex-wife at the presidential elections in the Russian Federation, fueling rumors of a family reunion. Ivan Ivanovich did not give any comments about the current situation for several days, but later he nevertheless decided to speak out about relations with his women.

“Seriously, my position in this tripartite alliance is exactly like this, we have a tripartite alliance – I am grateful to Natalya Nikolaevna for these wonderful children, it is impossible to overestimate it. And I want my Natashas to make friends and understand that I love both of them, ”said the actor.

The former and current wives accompanied Ivan Ivanovich during the interview. According to them, there have been no conflicts between them for a long time. Moreover, Natalya Vyal was delighted when she found out about the new marriage. ex-husband. According to the young woman, she wanted the man to find happiness.

“Look, this is a show. In fact, I exhaled when Natasha appeared in the life of my ex-husband. When we broke up, he said in every interview - I expect my wife to return to me. But I understood that this was no longer possible on my part. And now, after four years of loneliness, a person appears next to them who will take care of his well-being, make Ivan his personal happiness, ”Vyal shared her thoughts.

The young woman is sure that Krasko's current chosen one sincerely loves him. Shevel herself is now trying to come to terms with Vyal's close attention to their family. According to the girl, Ivan Ivanovich's ex-wife regularly calls him, but with good intentions. Parents discuss issues directly related to the upbringing of their sons.

“I'm fighting myself. I'm working on myself to accept this fact. I understand what it is former family that there are children there, and I have to put up with the fact that mom is calling dad. Both in the morning and in the evening. And I see that Ivan Ivanovich is physically with me, but his thoughts are there, in that family. But I can’t influence it,” Natalia stressed.

According to the girl, she had a good relationship with her husband's heirs. However, she is not very close with the boys. Natalia tries not to interfere in educational moments, because parents should do this.

Ivan Ivanovich himself, according to him, never for a moment had any doubts about paternity. The man agreed to take part in the examination in order to calm ex-wife and the current one. Communicating with KP, he admitted that he loves Natalya Shevel and does not even think about returning to the ex-darling.