Losing a loved one is easy, but returning an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not an easy task. Perhaps you should not be heroic and try to deal with a problem that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships. You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send the most detailed (of course, as far as it is appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do our best to bring good mood, harmony and peace back to your home. Anonymity of letters is guaranteed.
We are waiting for your letters at [email protected] To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate "My Story" in the subject line of the letter.
Today we are publishing a letter from a reader who made a mistake and lost his family, but realized that he wanted to return his relationship with his wife. Is it possible?
My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years, 13 of them are quite happy. After 7 years of marriage, children appeared, very desired and long-awaited, we moved to a new home, live and be happy. But problems were hidden behind external well-being, constant irritation began to appear, alienation grew. And, alas, I chose the worst of the options: I went left, got into a very difficult relationship. To infidelity was added a huge amount of dirt. My wife endured this for a very long time, I left, returned, continued the relationship, trying to hide it. In the end, the wife could not stand it and filed for divorce. So, almost 2 years ago, a divorce stamp appeared, which I really did not want, despite the fact that it was a logical ending. But nevertheless, I spent and spend a lot of time with my children, I see them almost every day, I regularly pay alimony, I left the apartment, having moved to my parents'. And I tried to start new life, relationships appeared, but in the end he ran away, hurting those from whom he ran away. The last such relationship lasted about a year, even some plans were made for the future, but recently I realized that the girl did not succeed in replacing my ex-wife, that I think that someday I will return to her.
It should be noted that ex-wife the gap has not survived yet. The children and she still suffer that she cannot forgive what I did: at the same time she slips from time to time - maybe someday it will pass and we, again, maybe reunite. I understand that this is an element of manipulation, but I try to be loyal to her attacks.
After the last break, there was an emptiness. I crossed out the new that began to appear with the person who fell in love with me with all my such circumstances, and I have no idea what to do with the old one, whether something is possible there. At least due to the fact that the ex-wife does not understand: in addition to what served as a natural reason for the divorce, there were obvious prerequisites for this, for which we are already responsible together. But when it comes to this, the conversation ends with the fact that we are supposedly divorced, live and be glad that you got rid of a bad wife.
I don’t want to start another new relationship, and I got another guilt complex from the ones that just ended, so I’m even afraid. And I don't know what to do.
Oksana Blank, practicing psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships:
Are you able to live in the present? To enjoy what happens to you? Or are you often looking for something better?
You already see this scenario for yourself - the destruction of relationships occurs in almost the same way, you devalue what is happening to you at the current moment. You try to return to the past or hope for the future, and the present becomes something insignificant.
Is it possible that a relationship for you is a way to escape from yourself, from your own experiences? Even when you say "tried to start a new life", it turns out that you mean "a new relationship appeared."
Will you find a woman like your wife, will the same relationship appear - most likely not. And from what you are saying, it also becomes clear that there will most likely not be a restoration of your past family, at least as long as there are so many unresolved issues.
Legally, your divorce happened, but the emotional break did not. With your ex-wife, you continue to live in the past, express claims to each other, remember something, work out mutual feelings. And it seems that you continue to resolve emerging issues as spouses, and not as parents.
And it is very important for you to be in this connection. It probably didn't take long to really get to grips with it.
But it is this situation that does not allow you to move on, because there is always a comparison with something in the past, a refraction of the situation through what once was, fantasies. As a rule, in this case, a person feels emptiness, loss of time, hopelessness, apathy, lack of energy, development. This leads to the fact that a person is dissatisfied with himself.
The optimal path for you now is not to start a new relationship. Until you figure out what you want to achieve, until you build relationships with your ex-wife so that they do not bring experiences, most likely, your new relationship will develop according to the same scenario, which will only increase your guilt complex, you will again it will feel like you are using someone.
Any breakup is a loss, and loss is something that needs to be experienced, you need to deal with it. I definitely recommend contacting a specialist, because it is difficult to cope with the loss on your own. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, sometimes everything is so confused that there is no way out, and at the same time everything seems unambiguous, you give one-sided assessments. For example, you give yourself an unequivocal assessment of the "destroyer", but you are not the only one to blame for the fact that your relationship is being destroyed.
Try to find support not in a relationship. Now they will not bring positive into your life.
Look for resources in your career, in your favorite hobbies, in communication with children. Look for those resources that will help you feel the value of the present, and not live in the future.
When only through another person you can find the fullness of life, it is very difficult to achieve something real.
Oksana Blank, psychologist
Center for Successful Relationships (Psycenter.by)
Married, you can say in Hussar. Acquaintance, candy-bouquet period, sex, application and marriage. All this took 1 month. We can say that only after the wedding he began to carefully look at his wife.
The girl is young, always laughing, jumping, in general, "the wind in her head." She is 8 years older than her. She immediately christened me: "old and sick." Why "old?" I still can't understand. I was then only 25 years old. And “sick” - that’s what she decided, because she didn’t get pregnant from me right away. I wandered around to different clinics, handed over a bunch of incomprehensible tests. Doctors diagnosed: healthy!
I couldn't understand anything. Why doesn't she get pregnant? After all, I tried so hard almost every day. And then I found birth control pills in her locker. It turns out that she secretly drank them every time she was with me. I presented it to her, and she was hysterical. It's like I put pressure on her. She called me sick “as a joke”, and I fell for it. Then she got a job in the military unit. Every morning, before leaving the house, she turned in front of the mirror, put on the shortest dresses, high heels. And they all joked again that only women worked there in the unit. There are no men, no one is looking at her. And she spins in front of the mirror, so that the girls envy her, what a good figure she has.
I did not believe a single word she said, but remained silent. Tried to save the marriage. I was ashamed of myself in front of my parents and relatives. And then my wife somehow comes home in the evening and tells me with a smile that tomorrow they will have a corporate party in the unit. The whole team will go for a ride on the river tram. There will be a buffet and dancing. She would certainly take me with her. But I still don’t know anyone, - while the wife cutely lowered her eyes to the floor. She kissed my forehead and she went to get ready for tomorrow's party.
What happened at that party, I can only imagine in my head. As a result, my wife did not come home to spend the night that evening. I only showed up early in the morning to change and go to work. There was all some kind of mint, disheveled and drunk. The sight is not pleasant. After kissing my ear, she went to the bathroom. There was not even a hint of guilt in front of me in her eyes. There was only fatigue. I didn’t say anything to her, but I thought to myself: “I’m a complete fool.”
Doesn't she understand that marriage is sacred? This is a family and should be cherished. I decided to take revenge on her so that she would feel at least a little what I feel. I decided to change her. To hurt, to hurt. Although my soul resisted it. I always wanted to have a friendly and strong family.
Just me and her and our kids. And then it came down on my head. But still, I decided to teach her a lesson. I'm a man, in the end, I will not lose. I worked in a large team, we had many beautiful women and girls. So it was not difficult for me to get a girlfriend for myself. The girl did not even believe her ears when I invited her to sit with me in the park. Suddenly, I felt very light and cheerful. My companion turned out to be a very nice girl. We developed a very warm relationship with her. After some time after work, I enjoyed spending time at her house. The only thing is we didn't tell her parents that I was married. Otherwise, I think, there would not be such warm receptions from her relatives.
We met quite often. Together we walked with her dog, went to the park for walks. And I was always afraid to see the question in her eyes: “What did you decide, man?” I still live in 2 houses, but I really don’t want to deceive anyone.
Photo from the Internet
I managed to move away and calm down after several dozen betrayals of my already unloved wife in nine months. It took another three months to somehow bring together all the methods of getting rid of the emotions and feelings associated with betrayal.
There was trust between us
She did not saw me when I joked with female colleagues at work, returned from fishing a day after the appointed time. So I didn’t get driven when her boss or just an acquaintance kissed her hand in my presence, didn’t forbid her to dress beautifully and sexy, allowed her to hang out in the company of her friends, among whom, it is important to note, were both girls and guys. All the guys they've been with since high school.
Instead of engaging in mutual torture with jealousy and enduring the brain because of the slightest thought that someone could become the third in our pair, we were just an ideal couple - walking, watching movies, reading, discussing books and all sorts of modern news. We talked, talked about the meaning of life and the essence of love. In short, everything that happened later just killed me with its improbability, the savagery of the situation and terrible cynicism.
Honestly? I wanted to kill.
The fact that she has been cheating on me for two years now, I could not even think and did not imagine it even in the most terrible fantasy. But a fact is a fact. The first friend who expressed his timid “You know ...”, I stuffed the face, broke off relations with the second. After the third person told me one clear fact, I thought.
I made up with the guys, said that I was furious at such statements, asked to tell more. They agreed to forgive me - this is a plus of male friendship.
What I learned next is beyond description. She cheated on me for two years, which for me were filled with love and the most sincere human relationships. The number of partners with whom she managed to twist and break is difficult to calculate. I am aware of 17 cases. It is strange that this did not surface earlier, but the facts are reliable. The now ex-wife confirmed this to me - she simply said that she did not want me to know everything, she said that she loved me, she said that she was good and comfortable in all respects. In every way, you understand? And she did not say a word about the reasons for the betrayal.
And, to be honest, I wanted to kill - just to pay for a cynical act, first with her, then with most of her partners. And then go to jail. I think they would understand me. True, I never decided to do this. Still, the main thing in life is a cold mind and a sober calculation.
I just kicked her out. From the apartment, from the passport and from the finger of the right hand. Kicked out of my life. And then the nights after the divorce came and I didn't know how to get through it all.
The key is trust
The first step is to erase the memory of life together. I cleared the apartment of everything that was acquired together and reminded of her: I bought new dishes (to hell with those cute bowls with the inscriptions “He” and “She”), took pictures, changed the carpet she chose, repainted the bathroom. Great. Now - photos, videos and other scraps of memory. Joint photos, cute pictures on the wall and, most importantly, correspondence. Don't be afraid and click "Delete" - send several kilometers of tiny messages to the Internet's sump.
Made. It seems to be everything - now instead of love, which suddenly became hatred, an empty hole gapes in the heart and head. It happens when after the holiday you can’t remember the last two days, but you realize that you did something wrong.
Meet with best friend or at least with your best friend - talk about the situation, speak out to the fullest, open up and empty all the dirt and pain that has accumulated in your soul. It's good if it's a friend who knows you from kindergarten, school or army. It’s better not to tell women - in this case there are too many variables in the equation and no one knows what such a frank conversation will lead to.
The most important thing is not to drown sorrow in alcohol. Drinking that lasts more than one evening will not change anything at all, and a whole piece of the rest of a happy life with the traitor crossed out of it will remain in the memory of a hangover.
When left alone
When I was left alone, I saw that almost all ways to relax, have fun, or, conversely, engage in self-development, were invented for single men. Seriously - gyms, study courses foreign language, stadiums, thicket of the forest, where you can safely take a walk and think about your own. Even a camera viewfinder and books on financial literacy and male etiquette All this is for singles. And I took advantage of this, deciding to become much better than I was. It is clear that I did not forget about the breakup for a second, but it gave me a serious impetus to become better, to work on myself.
As a result, after six months, my already satisfactory wage has doubled, my English allowed me to communicate with the girls in Thailand so that we both understand where everything is going, and life has acquired a clear schedule and a clear goal.
Women will still
Just don't worry, guys, if your girlfriend turned out to be "suddenly." There is no need to deny love - that same woman will happen to you again. It is like the movement of a train when you think that you have already arrived at the depot, but, in fact, you just stopped at a half-station. Destination with a warm hearth and for real loving eyes the opposite will be. Just do not raise your hand to a woman - it is not worth it under any circumstances.
The author of the letter has been married for 17 years. But during a serious crisis in the family, he broke down - and began a relationship with another woman. This experience did not justify itself, and now the man dreams of returning to the family, but his wife is categorically against it. Is it possible to justify oneself in the eyes of a loved one after betrayal, says the psychologist.
soulpost.ru
Losing a loved one is easy, but returning an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not an easy task. Perhaps you should not be heroic and try to deal with a problem that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.
You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send the most detailed (of course, as far as it is appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do our best to bring good mood, harmony and peace back to your home. Anonymity of letters is guaranteed.
We are waiting for your letters at [email protected] To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate "My Story" in the subject line of the letter.
“I really need help. I am madly in love with my wife and children, family is the most important thing for me. But trouble happened.
I am 45 years old, my wife is 43. We have been together for 17 years. Two sons - 16 and 5 years old. Somewhere about a year ago, troubles began to occur in the family. Often they began to swear ... The wife, for no reason, sharply raised her voice, scandalized over trifles. I resolved the conflict as best I could. Intimacy has become rare. My wife said that she was tired and had a headache, although she worked 2-3 times a week - she is a beautician. She didn’t take care of herself ... She didn’t give me due attention as a man.
At times everything was getting better, but then again scandals, abuse ...
I have a difficult job, but I make good money. Everything is there in the house. Two cars, four-room apartment. He also built an apartment for his eldest son ... He was very tired, but at home either horror, or a period of apologies and reconciliations.
I broke down and made a terrible mistake - I went on a spree. The wife found out. I told her that there was a gap in the relationship, I began to avoid all contact with her. My wife was simply killed by my behavior ... But I was able to shake myself and understand that I loved and love only my wife. I only want to be with her.
I tried to tell everything as it is and apologize, start rebuilding relationships. The wife calmed down for some period and began to behave as usual ... But it was not for long. Once she came home from work and said that she could not forgive me for betrayal and humiliation. And she asks me to leave home for at least a month, that she needs to sort out her feelings and thoughts.
She said she had no feelings for me. I packed my things and went to my parents in the village. On the very first day of separation, my wife came in the evening to check whether I was at home with my parents or with a past girlfriend. Guarded near her house. The check did not give anything - I actually completely broke off relations with my girlfriend and really want to return to my family. Please help me get my wife and love back.
Psychologist's comment:
— Family relationships- a very complex system that cannot be static. Problems, conflicts and crises are an integral part of any relationship.
The fact that only the last problem is described in your letter tells me that you have not been attentive to relationships for all seventeen years. It is possible that your wife was previously responsible for emotional well-being. And then I got tired of it, I was exhausted and experienced a personality crisis, a depressive state.
your idea of happy relationship quite naive and selfish. Much attention is given to passion or intimate relationships, they are the equivalent of love. There is a naive expectation that everything can be easily returned, one has only to apologize and tell everything as it is. In relation to a sweet mother to a little boy - indeed, this is enough. In elementary school, it might still be possible.
In adult relationships, your trouble has a much longer history than just one year. You both raised and fed her, put anger, misunderstanding, irresponsibility into her. She is thriving now. To make the trouble disappear, you need not less, but even more time, effort, patience. You destroyed the family unconsciously, but now, if you want to return it, you need to take responsibility for yourself and the relationship. Mindfulness implies an understanding of all patterns, the ability to foresee the result and manage it. This is what you will have to learn.
In your relationship, real human intimacy, which consists of understanding, respect, care, support, was replaced by sexual contact. This happens quite often: people learn to recognize these states for a long time. This leads to a lack of true intimacy, and therefore to the inability to understand a partner and anticipate possible difficulties in a relationship. Relations are formally and superficially close, but in fact people are very far from each other.
donna-magazin.de Feeling guilty about cheating softens your depreciating and demanding attitude towards your wife a little. You would like your wife, if she works part-time, to always be cheerful, beautiful and seductive. Responsibility for the fact that "spree", it seems, is also on her. But what about the responsibility for misunderstanding, the inability to listen, understand and support in difficult times, to share troubles or dispel doubts?
You will have to save your marriage yourself. If you have the courage, seek professional help together. This will be a good help. But don't expect quick and easy results. It'll be hard.
You can do a lot if you have the resource yourself. It is important to ask or understand, if possible, what you need to do for your wife in order to regain trust and restore intimacy. To help you - recognition of your contribution to the destruction of relationships. I don't mean cheating. She is the icing on the cake. The crisis began long before the betrayal.
Empathy will also help - try to understand how your wife feels, take her place. Now she is angry, has lost confidence in you, is frustrated and confused. Empathy and understanding will help you understand and, if possible, forgive each other. Behind feelings are needs. The opportunity to talk and reflect on feelings and needs breaks down resentments and brings people together.
Try to imagine a model of your relationship after overcoming the crisis. And keep in mind that there is no going back to the past. If you're ready for a more mature relationship, get ready for a long, bumpy ride. In the distant kingdom, having fought with Koshchei, you will find out the answer.
