Happy parents have happy children. Happy parents have happy children Examples from psychotherapeutic practice

Parents are sure: they know how to make a child happy. All forces and energy are directed to achieve this goal. However, instead of gratitude, we receive reproaches, irritation, detachment, and misunderstanding from children.

What is "happiness" from the point of view of parents?

What do they themselves know about happiness? How often is it experienced? Can they be happy? Do they fill their children's lives with the energy of happiness?

Moms and dads will say: we want the child to grow up happy. We are ready for sacrifices and hardships - this is how our child will understand that he is loved. There is a stereotype: the interests of children always come first.

A child is born and parents must give up their own needs. Taking care of yourself is embarrassing and conscientious. Therefore, parents push their interests, personal life, career into the background.

Examples from psychotherapeutic practice:

At the reception with a psychologist, a woman spoke about a strong emotional attachment to her son. She devoted her life to him: she raised her, worked tirelessly, denied herself everything. And in response - only his irritation. “My son tolerates me because I give him money,” the unfortunate mother complains. During the conversation, it turns out that the guy lives in another country, he is already 21 years old. A woman shows love for her son in the following way: constant moralizing on Skype, calls with checks, control at every step. Is it love? From the point of view of the mother - yes, love, care. But can a son see and accept such love?

Another example:

A man has lost his beloved wife. There was a “love hurts” mindset. In a new marriage with a woman who fell in love with him, two girls were born. The father began to avoid emotional contact with his daughters. The result: a deep neurosis of the eldest daughter, complete discord in the family.

Another situation:

A psychologist's client shares her problem: a "cold" relationship with her daughter. Tells about herself: survived bad marriage- the husband beat. She put an end to personal happiness, forbade herself to get married, fearing a repetition of the scenario. She unwittingly passed on her negative ideas about men to her daughter. And now the daughter recently got married and she is uncomfortable in marriage. He does not share his feelings with his mother.

There are many options for being unhappy parents and making your children unhappy. Is there a way out?

Of course - to be honest with yourself, to change yourself. Difficult? Yes! But probably!

Changes in one's own worldview, rejection of habitual patterns of behavior, a step towards oneself - this is the “sacrifice” that our children will appreciate.

Modern parents lack basic knowledge about the psychology of children. Adults forget what they themselves felt in childhood, and at the same time they are sure that they know how to protect children from experiences.

Each age brings its own internal problems: crises of three, seven years, adolescence and this cannot be avoided. But you can work with this.

Children are a resource for the personal growth of adults. A child is a mirror in which we, parents, are reflected.
The future of children depends on the psychological state of the parents. And when the happiness of a child is at stake, you can try. And then the oppressive sense of guilt inherent in the Russian mentality will go away.
Task loving parent- create a safe psychological environment for the child, tune in with him "on the same wavelength."

It is easier to communicate with a happy parent. This parent can be trusted. Remember in your youth: “the sea is knee-deep in love”, problems are solved by themselves and the soul sings ... How hard it is for adults to return joy to their lives! Anxiety for children, fear of making a mistake lead away from the main idea of ​​parenthood - the pleasure of communicating with your own child.

Learn to be happy and your kids will thank you!

Happy Parents is a magazine that has long become an indispensable tool for young parents. On the pages of the publication you will find: recommendations and materials written by the best Russian doctors (gynecologists, pediatricians, nutritionists, child psychologists), they answer the most pressing questions regarding pregnancy and the first years of a child's life. In addition, each issue contains recommendations from Russian and foreign experts regarding childbirth, nutrition and child care. Correspondents of "Happy Parents" acquaint their readers with the latest fashionable and relevant products for children, as well as the latest scientific achievements in the field of pediatrics, obstetrics, psychology and nutrition.

The book is part of the Happy Parents Editorial series. On our website you can download the book "Happy Parents 06-2018" in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format or read online. Here, before reading, you can also refer to the reviews of readers who are already familiar with the book, and find out their opinion. In the online store of our partner you can buy and read the book in paper form.

How many methods of working with children now exist ... How many therapeutic techniques, how many training sessions ... How much effort, time and money parents are willing to give for their child. Just to make his life better and happier. Centers early development, numerous circles, classes with a speech therapist, with a psychologist, etc. and so on.

After all, for your son (daughter) you don’t feel sorry for anything! Huge love parents are looking for ways to give everything they need for happiness.

Moms and dads pay a lot of money to psychologists for harmonizing the internal state of their child, for correcting his behavior, for healing from injuries.

However, they often forget about themselves. The fact that very often it is important for them to work on themselves, on their relationship with the partner (father / mother) of the child. This is considered less important and significant than the development of a son or daughter.

But the secret harmonious development children, most often, extremely simple! Children are happy and harmonious when their parents are happy and harmonious. And also, when the relationship between parents is harmonious. When a child sees and feels that his parents love each other, he grows up in an atmosphere of love, feeds, is filled with this love. In love, he develops harmoniously, safely, happily. For the successful development of the child, the love of his parents to each other no less important than the love of parents to the child himself.

Thus , to solve most of the problems of the child, it is important for parents, first of all, to solve problems in relationships with each other, as well as to solve their own, internal problems. It is important to understand that the child merely reflects, like a mirror, what is happening in the family.

Why parents work on themselves and their relationships is important for the well-being of the child

• The child is part of mom and part of dad. If parents love each other, the child feels this love as addressed to him, including. He feels himself in an atmosphere of goodness, harmony, love. And he is happy.

But if, for example, a mother treats the father of a child badly, then, in this way, the son (daughter) feels: the mother treats him (her) badly too! After all, in him (her) there is a part of the father, whom the mother does not love! Naturally, the child does not analyze this, but simply intuitively feels it. This has a powerful negative impact on the child and his future life. If it so happened that there is no longer love between parents, it is extremely important to show at least respect for each other.

• Children subtly feel the mood, the atmosphere in the family. They seem to be saturated with it, and having received it from the outside world, they begin to radiate back - into the outside world.
• By observing the behavior of parents and other significant adults, children imitate them. Moreover, they "read" such subtle nuances in the stereotypes of behavior that parents themselves may not even be aware of, not notice in themselves.

It is possible to take children to therapy sessions with a psychologist indefinitely, but if source influence on the child will remain the same, little will change in the child.

Dear parents, the realization that the child is a "mirror" reflecting yourself is twofold. On the one hand, this realization can be unpleasant and painful. But on the other hand, this is a chance to really improve life (of your own, your family, your child). To do this, it is important to take responsibility and understand what what about I am I doing it wrong in this situation? Believe me, when you change, your relationship with your partner will change, and so will the child. This happens naturally, as if a fading flower comes to life and opens in all its beauty after you start watering the soil from which it grows. After all, no matter how much you wipe its leaves and petals with a damp cloth, the flower will die if its roots and the earth from which it grows do not receive watering.

Extremes: parents are concerned only with themselves or each other

There are families in which the parents of the child just still experience and show warm feelings for each other. They are passionate about each other, in love and happy together! And even ... without a child. We are now talking not about the healthy self-sufficiency of parents, but about a situation where parents, it would seem, do not care about their children. They are so good together that they do not want to let anyone third (even their own child) into their world. Such an obsession with enjoying each other is clearly not good for a child. After all, both manifestations of love of parents for each other and manifestations of love for him are important to him. Not one of those.

And certainly the child does not become happy because mom or dad (and sometimes both) are completely focused on themselves, their pleasures or their personal “development” so much that there is no longer enough time and energy for the child.

If parents do not pay attention to him, the child feels lonely, abandoned, unloved and unnecessary. Every day a child (and not only!) needs at least 8 hugs a day, affectionate words, various manifestations of cordiality and love.

Is it necessary to pretend that everything is fine when it is not?

You can't create happiness by cheating. Children have incredible intuition and always sense a lie. And than younger child, the more pronounced is this ability to feel the true atmosphere in the family, the true attitude towards himself, the true relationship of parents to each other and to other people.

Of course, this does not mean that you need to openly demonstrate your indignation, anger in front of the child, or sort things out. It is important to protect the psyche of the child. But one should not think that by playing and pretending it will be possible to make children believe that there is candy in an empty wrapper.

Until what age does a child reflect parents?

In a sense, all my life! This, if you look deeply 🙂 But it happens most strongly at the age of 14 years. The younger the child, the more it reflects the parents, as well as the immediate environment (relatives living with you).

The trap of the “all the best for children” attitude

It is a wonderful intention to give the child all the best that is in the world. But sometimes this intention is distorted and turns into the following: all the best goes to the child, and I (we) will manage, I (us) - and the inferior will do.

This approach becomes a disservice, unwittingly rendered by parents to the child.

And here we can highlight the two most striking consequences of this behavior:

• The child grows up selfish. He sees that his parents value him more than themselves, and over time begins to think that, perhaps, it should be so. He also begins to value himself more than his parents. As, however, and all other people.
• The child begins to expect similar attitudes towards himself and from others. He is used to being the world(parents, relatives) satisfy his whims. When his world around him expands (kindergarten, school, etc.), he expects the same. But soon a shock awaits the child: no one is going to satisfy all his wishes! And for him it is a real stress. This discovery becomes a tough lesson that not every child goes through safely.

Dear parents, remember: pleasing the child in everything, you harm him. After all, it is important to teach a child to respect and appreciate not only himself, but also others. Not only to receive love, but also to give it. That is, to teach justice, the laws of harmonious relationships.

AND The best way for this - own example.

It is difficult to rebuild, living according to one scenario all your life. However, I offer you a number of ways that will help you tune in the right way.

1. Enjoy life.

Raising a child is a complex and time-consuming process in which there are no magical rules and spells. But if you want your child to be happy, be happy yourself. Mom and dad are a stable and constant example for a growing baby. That is why, when parents are kind, open, enjoy life, do what they love, the child repeats after them, and these feelings and moods become the norm for him.

Just imagine how difficult it is for a small person among offended, dissatisfied with work, adults, and how easily he, because of ignorance of the world, learns precisely this outlook on life.

In such difficult working days, you really need to learn to rejoice. At least for the sake of the happiness of their children. Make it a rule to see friends at least once every couple of weeks, go for a walk with your child not only in the yard, but also come up with some kind of small adventures - be it a city holiday, a walk in the park or going to the movies. And make the most important rule: leave a bad mood and work problems outside your door.

2. Optimism is the key to success

It is very important to teach a child to look at the world around him positively. Failures happen, but if you do not allow yourself to become sour, but take up the solution of the problem with a smile, you can achieve excellent results. According to statistics, optimists are more confident in themselves, more successful in their studies, work and sports.

Make it a rule to play a game with your baby every evening in which each of you will tell a few good things that happened to you during the day. You will see, it will benefit not only the child, but also you!

Try to see in everything - and in events, and in the weather, and even in failures - only the good. As Immanuel Kant said, “one, looking into a puddle, sees mud in it, the other sees the stars reflected in it.” Try to see the stars and your child will see them too!

3. Be sincere

Fatigue and bad mood, unfortunately, are not uncommon guests in the adult world. Do not forget that children feel everything perfectly, and the sight of a persistent mother when she is angry inside only scares the baby and confuses his emotion recognition skills.

Laugh if you are having fun, frown if you are angry, sad or sad - because blocking feelings often leads to unpleasant complications. Just be sure to explain your feelings to your child, for example: “I want to be alone for a while, because I’m very tired and I don’t feel well.” And say together his experiences: “You are angry because we did not buy you a chocolate bar.” So you teach the baby to correctly recognize his own and other people's feelings, and he will be more careful about the experiences of other people. This is another step towards being happy: it is very important when loved ones understand and share your feelings. Honesty in the family is the key to a healthy personality.

4. Parental time

Parents, more often mothers, especially when the child is still small, do not have enough time to spend it with benefit only for themselves. Psychologists say that it is necessary to carve out such moments, because you cannot constantly ignore your interests and desires. Parents, our children look at us, they learn from us to prioritize and live either in harmony with themselves or in.

From early childhood, accustoming the child to independence and stipulating his duties, parents free up some of their free time for themselves, while simultaneously teaching the child the necessary skills.

5. Spend more time with your kids

New experiences are very important for the development of the baby: go to the cinema, museums or the park with the whole family, more often, cook together on weekends, watch your favorite cartoons in the evening.

With your children, you will take a fresh look at rain and snow, at worms and cats, read old fairy tales in a different way and learn new poems, feel the delight and surprise of your baby, talk about first love ... It is happiness to experience bright colors with your loved ones. impressions and moments!

Children, even well-fed and well-to-do, without adults cannot learn to see all the charms of the world, find an exciting activity - to live a full-fledged childhood.

6. Allow yourself to be wrong.

We are not perfect and the world is not perfect, so just give yourself permission to be yourself. Do not blame yourself endlessly for mistakes and incorrect words - try to understand the reason and correct the situation. The level of stress will become noticeably lower, and the child, looking at a persistent parent, will gain invaluable experience in overcoming any obstacles.

Try to live the way you would like your children to live. Learn, create, love, develop and be happy!

Olga Dorokhova

The German satirist Sebastian Brant wrote the lines back in the 15th century: A child learns what he sees in his home, Parents are an example to him. After passing this psychological test, you will find out whether your personal example contributes to the education of the qualities that you want to see in a child.