Husband doesn't want to help. What to do if the husband does not help around the house? Advice from a family psychologist Angelina Lazarenko. How to teach your husband to work at home? Women's tricks with real life examples

Housework is often quite comparable in volume to office work. But it is less honorable and noticeable, including because they do not pay for it. Money is the easiest way to evaluate the significance and quality of what has been done. The reverse logic also works: if some kind of work does not bring money, it means that it is not quoted.

Why, then, when a woman becomes an equal partner of a man in the financial provision of the family, he most often still does not take on half of the housework?

Harvard conducted a survey in which 6070 couples living together took part. They were asked what kind of housework they do, were asked to state their income and how they manage finances with their partner. The results showed that many men used money as an argument to get rid of housework: either they gave their wages to women, allowing them to completely dispose of them, or vice versa they withheld the money.

When a woman pays bills from her own wallet, it can make a man do the dishes more often.

If women tried to discuss the state of affairs, such negotiations rarely led to anything, even if the partners earned the same.

The picture was strikingly different only in those families where women had their own savings. A study found that when a woman pays bills out of her own wallet, it can motivate a man to wash dishes more often.

Of course, all this may seem too mercantile to many. I would like to believe that a confidential conversation, honest agreements and mutual love can lead to equality and a reasonable distribution of responsibilities in a couple.

Simon Oakes, author of Marrying for Food, Sex and Laundry, offers his own ways to motivate your partner to do more housework. Some life hacks may be shown as manipulative, but the author is convinced that there are simply no other effective ways.

1. Ask your partner to do a "man's job"

This includes anything that involves risk and danger (climbing stairs to clean gutters), requires tools (trimming bushes with a chainsaw), or has an obvious, tangible result (nailing down shelves). Let the man do the hard work - literally and figuratively - and you do the rest.

2. Cheat

Have you spread out the responsibilities but are still doing more? Turn routine homework into an intellectual task. Ask a man to choose a new vacuum cleaner - with three speeds and five suction levels.

3. If you feel that a man does not appreciate your work, show him what you have done.

Oakes says men don't underestimate women's work, they often just don't notice it. “Just casually pay attention to your partner about what they did around the house,” Oakes advises, “and over time, he will begin to notice changes.”

4. If he still doesn't appreciate your work, fight.

“It may take time, but sooner or later he will begin to notice that socks stick to the kitchen floor, and in a drawer with underwear empty,” explains Oakes. (This step is only recommended for those who can stand the sight of dirty dishes piled up in the sink and piles of unironed items.)

5. Do a few things together

Oakes offers to work together in the garden, in the country. "There's sure to be a lot of work to do together, and it's also not stressful."

These tips, like Simon Oakes's entire book, are often called chauvinistic by critics and readers. Indeed, the idea that a man should be tricked into doing a "women's" job is somewhat old-fashioned.

In the book Manifesto, human rights activist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie gives her friend advice on how to raise her daughter as a feminist. The author writes: “Recently, it was discussed on Nigerian social media that wives are required to cook for husbands. It's so sad that we still take cooking skills as a test of a woman's suitability for marriage."

Maybe if men recognized the need for equality and understood the feminist agenda, this would generally negate the need to argue about who and how much should do housework. And this issue would be resolved in each individual family without regard to traditions, but based on the desires and capabilities of specific people.

In any family, each of the spouses has their own specific responsibilities, which usually arise somehow automatically.

A woman almost immediately begins to engage in, for example, cooking, and a man throws out garbage in the morning. But sometimes the division of these responsibilities does not suit everyone.

Very often, the wife begins to feel that too much is hanging on her and it turns out to be difficult to cope with this. At the same time, she is waiting for help from her man, but does not receive it. Because of this, discontent is accumulating, which can then develop into a serious scandal.

Why does the husband not participate in the household?

Men are absolutely sincerely sure that they are the head of the family, and their main task is to earn money. Therefore, as a rule, they do not pay attention to all other duties that may exist.

The breadwinner comes home and expects that everything around will shine with cleanliness, and there will be a delicious dinner on the table. At the same time, he does not think about how much time and effort his wife spent on it.

At first, it is pleasant for a woman to take care of her man, and she herself takes on a mountain of responsibilities in order to make her chosen one pleased.

This alignment suits everyone at first, but later it becomes obvious that the wife cannot constantly drag everything on herself and she really wants help from her husband. However, she does not receive support.

Much also depends on the model of the family in which the man grew up. If his father never helped his mother in anything, then the man will not do this either, because this was not accepted by his parents.

How to encourage a man to help with the housework?

• No need to silently wait for a man to come home from work one day or get up on a day off and immediately pick up a vacuum cleaner to start cleaning.
• If help is required from a loved one, then you need to talk about it, and not hope that sooner or later he himself will come to this. It will not come, and this has already been proven by time! Yes, and the man is satisfied with everything. Why would he want to change things?
• You need to start a conversation not with hysteria and screams about how tired the woman is and how tired she is of everything, but with a calm explanation. It is necessary to make it clear to the chosen one why it became difficult, and what exactly his help is needed.

If the conversation is built correctly and without pretensions, then the man will not only not resist, but, on the contrary, will gladly do it.

After all, the most important thing for him is happiness in the eyes of his beloved woman and her good mood.

Although the days of the Stepford wives are long gone, many men still think that household chores are exclusively female commitment. But they forget that not only they bring the “mammoth” into the family, but also their wives.

You and your husband both work all day, but when he comes home, he lies down on the sofa in front of the TV, and you have to do a bunch of different household chores - cook dinner, wash the dishes, throw clothes in the washing machine, help the children with their homework.

Your spouse replies to your requests to help with household chores, “I actually worked”, “I’m tired”, “well, you’re a woman, cook it yourself” and other “excuses”. As a result, you have to do everything yourself, although you are no less tired than your spouse.

Such behavior should not be tolerated modern families Spouses share household chores among themselves. Activities with children, buying food and household goods, cleaning and cooking - absolutely everything is divided in half. If a man takes out the garbage twice a month and sometimes buys groceries on his way home, and the rest of the housework is left to you, then this cannot be considered a fair distribution of duties.

The only option when you can take all the care of the house on yourself is that you do not work, and your husband fully provides your family with money. Then housekeeping is your job.

There can be several reasons why a spouse categorically avoids any household work:

• Banal laziness - a man is lazy and in all areas of life he tries to evade any activity. Instead of cleaning, he would rather sit in front of the TV, because in the end his wife will not stand it and will do everything herself.
• Fatigue - he works hard for days at work and crawls home only to sleep. He does not have enough energy or time for household chores. In this case, there is some bonus - such workaholics, as a rule, make good money.
• Infantilism - a man is simply not used to keeping clean clothes and dishes, the presence of food in the refrigerator, he does not even know how to iron properly. He, most likely, lived for a long time with his mother, who did everything for him, and then “moved” to his wife and expects the same behavior from her.
• Mismanagement - he simply does not notice the mess in the house, he is already fine.
• Contempt for "women's work" - he is convinced that the wife should lay all the worries about the house on her shoulders - "after all, you are a woman, you do this." He considers household chores to be primitive and unworthy of a man.
• Lack of meaning, because the wife will be unhappy that he did something wrong - he didn’t wash the floors well enough, he cooked borscht tastelessly, and so on. After numerous nit-picking, the spouse simply does not see the point in doing something.

Men often hide behind the wording “I’ll do it later”, “well, I’m helping you”, “yes, yes, dear, I’ll do it now” and just wait for the woman to break down and solve the economic problem herself. Underlying this lies common trick- after all, he knows that the problem can be solved without his participation.

To move the “doing nothing” of the husband off the ground, you need to try:

• Explain clearly and in detail to your spouse what you want from him - for example, that he fix the tap or cook dinner on Thursdays while you pick up the children from school. Get your husband to tell you the exact date and time to complete your task.
• Divide responsibilities equally - for example, you cook, and your husband washes the dishes, you take the children to school, and he picks them up in the evening, he does the laundry, and you iron them, and so on. Agree on who is more comfortable doing certain business affairs.
• Praise for the work done - men, like children, need affection and recognition of their merits. Therefore, praise him even for small household chores - and then he will want to do something else.
• Explain why the two of you need to participate in economic life - that you don’t have time and get very tired, but who needs a tired, sad wife? That's right, nobody. So, to see your smile, he needs to be a little bossy.
• To stimulate with a reward - for each "feat" a man will receive his reward: for a repaired crane - favorite dish, for a cleaned apartment - fishing with friends and so on.

What not to do

In accustoming a husband to homework, the main thing is not to go too far. Here are some tips on what not to do:

• do not shout or swear - always calmly explain your position, better - with humor or a smile;
• do not impose a job that he does not like - if you see that he does not like washing dishes, then replace it with something more pleasant;
• do not load immediately as soon as he comes home from work - give him some rest after a hard day;
• don't blame him for doing something wrong - on the contrary, gently help him or do something together so that he understands how to do it next time.

Extreme measures

In especially difficult cases, when the husband continues to ignore your requests for help, you can resort to an ultimatum. If he won't do anything around the house, then neither will you. Stop cooking for him, stop washing, clean, do only what you need: cook for one person, wash only your own things, and so on.

Another option is to tell your husband that if he does not want to help with the housework, then you will have to hire a maid. And you will pay her from her husband's funds. Material expenses should make a man move.

Family well-being is the fruit of the efforts of two people: both the wife and the husband. Carrying all the everyday problems and responsibilities on yourself means dooming yourself to endless fatigue. You should not be shy and tell your spouse that it’s hard for you to cope with everything alone, and together resolve domestic disagreements.

Many women complain about the lack of any help around the house from their husbands. And the wife alone has to do a lot of household chores, while her faithful finds another reason for refusing. What to do if the husband does not help around the house and is it possible to involve him in housekeeping?

If you turn to your man for help over and over again, and “things are still there,” be sure that you are being manipulated. Consider the three most common types of manipulative husbands and learn how to deal with them:

Men are well aware that women are greedy for compliments and use it shamelessly. Even in childhood, begging their mother for an extraordinary candy or car, many of them understand that the words: “Mom, you are my best, I love you so much!” - work wonders.
In adulthood, they remain - they do not skimp on compliments about how the wife cooks well, washes the floor, hammers nails ...

And damn it, it works! Husbands continue to stay away from household chores, and women - inspired by compliments, with an even greater sense of pride and inner satisfaction, continue to work alone for the good of the family.

What to do?

• the husband does not help around the house - do not hesitate to master the role of "switchman". When he turns the arrows on you, return them back to him. Take another compliment on your amazing domesticity, like, thank you, I really fry potatoes mind-blowingly, but you do it just as well - please cook it for dinner tonight YOU.
• Another method is the illusion of choice. Ask what is more convenient and easier for him to do now - go grocery shopping or wash the floor? Freedom of choice, albeit imaginary, will not hurt his male pride so much.

2. Manipulator - loser

Common life situation- the wife asks her husband to vacuum the floors, but after his "cleaning" she finds dust behind the nightstand or under the bed. What does a woman do? Cursing, she redoes everything herself, noticing along the way that she cannot be trusted with anything. And the man is just waiting for this: “If you don’t like it, do it yourself!”

Another kind of similar behavior - the husband does not refuse directly, but postpones everything for later. As a result, after a month and a half of constant reminders and expectations, the woman herself takes up the repair of the crooked cabinet door.

What to do?

• let your husband understand that you do not have to control everything in the world and. Moreover, you can do something wrong. For example, three weeks my husband does not get around to repairing the faucet in the bathroom. Start repairing the crane with him, not forgetting to fill up with questions “what and how” - a rare man will withstand such a test and, in the end, will do it himself!
• an important point - praise him for all economic impulses, without focusing on minor flaws. He is your knight and savior, and everything else will come with experience.

3. Manipulator - simulator

A man comes home from work, and responds to any request from his wife for help that he is tired and completely powerless - familiar? Many women encourage such behavior and take on all the housework: “Poor thing, he is so tired, let him rest, but somehow I myself ...”

Of course, we are all people and it happens to everyone that there is an emergency at work, but if “I'm tired, I can't do anything” wanders from day to day, it's worth considering.

What to do?

• do not try to become a helpful mother for your husband. Remember! you build relationships on an equal footing, like two adult responsible people.
• “mirror” the husband’s behavior, because, as you know, you can’t see a log in your own eye. Husband does not help around the house during the week and is going to spend the whole weekend on the couch? Great, then keep him company! Say that you, too, are tired of the week - to rest is to rest.
  Perhaps this will spur him on and he will offer you, for example, to cook dinner together. Do not refuse his help in anything, because joint activities have a great effect on relationships, and a man feels more needed and significant.

How to teach your husband to work at home? Women's tricks with real life examples

We hope our helpful tips and you will finally find male help in household chores!