Bullying is a systemic failure of the school team. What should I do if my child is being bullied at school? Child bullying at school

My daughter is in 5th grade. This academic year, we moved to another school due to the fact that the level of teaching in the previous school did not suit us. Upon admission, they passed an exam in English (passed for 5). The first quarter was all right, the child was happy. The children went to Poland for the holidays, the teacher who drove them said that the child behaved remarkably and promised that they would definitely take her to France in the spring. And then the children went on a tour of Moscow, the child was sick on the bus at rush hour and vomited. After that, the nightmare began. The class teacher (she speaks English, but not in our group) had to clean up after her, while the child was called a pig, robbed, and stated that she probably did not feel sick in Poland. Naturally, the whole school knew about it the next day. When the daughter came to donate money for a trip to France, the history teacher told the whole class that she, in the place of the one who took them, would not have taken the child anywhere, because the daughter allegedly behaved disgustingly in Poland. Teachers began to underestimate marks in almost all subjects. The historian and writer especially tried. In history, for example, a child was kicked out of the class twice, allegedly for talking, they were given deuces. Grandmother went to talk with the historian, she said that she would give the opportunity to correct the mark, but not only did not give it, but generally stopped calling the child in the lesson and all the time threatened that she would give a deuce in a quarter. We talked with the head teacher - she was sincerely indignant, said that she would talk with the historian and with the classroom, she said that if the child had problems, let him come to her right away. After that, the child received a concussion in physical education and spent a month at home. I had to go to the head teacher again, because the historian continued to threaten with a deuce in a quarter. They solved the problems with the deuce, but the next day the teacher who takes them on trips called (they are with a friend’s story) and said that she couldn’t take the child to France, because the child had a concussion (it was in December, but they were going they are at the end of March). No persuasion helped. The child was terribly upset. Now a new quarter has begun, and the first thing the child immediately got was two deuces for those topics that were covered when the child was at home with a concussion. When the daughter approached the Russian teacher and asked her to explain a topic she did not understand, the teacher told her to open the textbook and read it herself. Then the classroom announced to the children that they would go on two excursions - all except my daughter (as the teacher said, "she herself knows why" - this, of course, is again about the same incident on the bus). Today, my grandmother went to a parent meeting, the classroom made it clear to everyone that if they do not want problems in physical education and geography, which will begin next year, then gifts are needed. When the grandmother after the meeting approached the classroom with a question why the child was not taken on an excursion, she replied that she would never take her anywhere until grade 11, "and in general no one at school wants to take her anywhere." Grandmother does not know how to fight with teachers, and said that she herself would bring the child where necessary and, if necessary, go with him, and that a child should not be poisoned for something that could happen to anyone. And she told her that she would never forget what had happened. Nonsense! As a result, because of one idiot, the whole school is on the ears, the child is poisoned in half of the lessons - somewhere they underestimate the grades, somewhere they simply do not ask. The quarter has already begun a long time ago, the classroom is not even interested in the fact that the child's marks for the last quarter have not yet been affixed. How to deal with it, I do not know. That is, of course, it is understandable - money can solve everything, but I do not want to go this way. I myself studied without any money, in our school such a situation would be generally unacceptable. Theoretically, you can go to the head teacher again, but I'm afraid that it will be even worse. The daughter does not want to go back to another school, she already has new friends here. In addition, we are satisfied with the fact that this school has two languages and a humanitarian orientation, and it is extremely difficult to find a normal school in our area.
The child's motivation drops, she has no desire to learn, because she understands that she will not be given a well-deserved mark anyway. She understands that teachers can not stand her, although, on the other hand, she knows that they are not obliged to love her. I explained to my daughter that we are, in fact, at war with the teachers, and we can win only with the help of knowledge, and in order to get 5, she must answer 10. Several times she even succeeded. But on the other hand, it costs me superhuman strength, because, returning from work at 9 pm, I check the child’s lessons before 11 and explain what the teachers could not explain (history, Russian, literature, English).
I don't know how to change this situation. Help advice! Because for today, the only thing left that comes to my mind is to catch this cool grimza, which muddied all this water, in a dark alley and strangle it with my own hands. Although the most logical thing is to sue her. Because this is a mockery of a child and in the full sense of the word a violation of his rights, discrimination. Who knows the law - tell me.

How does bullying occur at school, what happens to children who are exposed to it, how should parents and teachers act, and can a child be taught to resist peer attacks? We are trying to find answers to these questions together with professional psychologists.

Human babies are not born with a built-in code of ethics: they have yet to be raised by humans. And the children's team is still a flock of cubs: if adults do not interfere, biology reigns in it. Children, as if with an animal scent, smell those who are not like them, and expel them from the pack. A domestic child, leaving the predictable world of adults, where there are clear and precise rules, enters the wild world of unpredictable peers. And he can face anything in it: from harmless teasers to systematic beatings and humiliations, which even decades later will come around with nightmares. How to help your child if socialization turns out to be a traumatic experience for him?

It's not a child's problem

Many adults remember this by themselves: everyone is against you, the whole world. Teachers don’t care, parents can’t complain: they’ll say “and you give back,” and that’s all. These are not the best memories. And they do not help at all when your child becomes a victim of bullying. Once experienced pain and anger blind your eyes and prevent you from being an adult and smart, make you return to childhood, where you are weak, helpless, humiliated and alone against everyone.

Parents, blinded by pain, choose far from the best options to stand up for their child: they try to hurt his offenders. Sometimes it ends with criminal cases against parents. Therefore, professional psychologists help us figure out how to properly solve the problem of “my child is being bullied at school”: Natalya Naumenko, pathopsychologist from Kiev, Moscow psychologist and social pedagogue Arseniy Pavlovsky and Elina Zhilina, child and family psychologist from St. Petersburg.

All of them unanimously say that the main role in solving the problem of bullying should be played by adults - teachers and school administration.

“The school can and should prevent bullying of children, the appearance of outcasts in the classes. - says Elina Zhilina. - On the contrary, it can help children develop their best qualities, develop good communication principles: after all, it is at school that the main training of social interaction skills takes place. It is very important that teachers stop bullying in its early stages and prevent it from taking hold; A lot depends on the atmosphere in the school.

However, as Arseny Pavlovsky notes, “teachers often, without understanding what the matter is, punish the one they are bullying. The child was teased throughout the break, his things were scattered, he rushes at the offenders with his fists - then the teacher enters, and the offended one turns out to be extreme. It happens that bullying involves successful children who are liked by teachers - and the teacher does not believe the complaints about children who are in good standing with him. In fact, the teacher can sort out the conflict, listen to both sides and support the child who is being bullied. The position of the teacher is critical. In general, he should take a clear position not even against the offenders, but against the very practice of bullying - and he himself should not support it: do not make fun of the child, do not punish him in vain. And help him. First, provide emotional support. Secondly, self-esteem and self-relationship are often under attack in such a child - and the teacher can put him in a situation of success, for example, choosing tasks that the child will do well. He may even organize a support group among the children and invite the children to do something nice for a classmate.

Alas, teachers usually do not consider it necessary to intervene in children's conflicts: we must educate at home, and our duty is to teach. Nevertheless, the Law on Education imposes responsibility for the “life and health of students .... during the educational process” specifically for the school (Article 32, paragraph 3, paragraph 3). The leader in the children's team is an adult. He defines the framework of behavior and rules in his lesson. He is responsible for the safety of schoolchildren, and if they inflict beatings on each other or mental trauma, it is his fault. The school should teach not only subjects, but also the skills of social interaction: to negotiate, resolve conflicts peacefully, do without assault.”

“In elementary grades, some children tease others only with the connivance of teachers. Often, teachers not only turn a blind eye to bullying, but also encourage it themselves. Teachers are, as a rule, conformal people*, - Natalya Naumenko notes.

They do not accept someone else's, alien, and can not only be hostile to one of the children, but also unconsciously provoke other children. Even worse - some teachers use children's enmity for their own purposes - to maintain discipline in the classroom.

If the teacher bullies

Veronika Evgenievna (all the stories in this text are taken from life, but all names have been changed) has children-helpers in the fourth grade. They have the right to grade other children and make entries in the diary, check their portfolios, and make comments. Timothy, an impulsive and noisy boy, who has a habit of shouting out nonsense in class, interferes with the teacher. She upsets him with contemptuous remarks, and this tone was adopted by the assistant girls Olya and Sonya. When Timothy refused to comply with Sonya's order, she climbed into his backpack, took the diary and carried it to the teacher. Timofey rushed to take him away and beat Sonya. Sonya's parents recorded the beatings in the emergency room and filed a complaint with the police. Veronika Evgenievna carried out educational work at the lesson: she suggested that the whole class should boycott Timofey.

The Law on Education clearly states that the use of methods of physical and mental violence is prohibited in the learning process. In a good way, the pedagogical methods of Veronika Evgenievna should become the subject of serious proceedings at the school, and if the school administration refuses an internal investigation, then the district education department. If the parents do not want a public hearing, all that remains is to change the school. A child who finds himself in such a situation will not get out of it without adult help: he is still too small to resist an adult who wages a war against him on an equal footing. Parents have yet to teach him to be more mature and wiser than this adult.

At the very beginning of the bullying

Children should be helped to move away from conflict from the very beginning. With verbal aggression - laugh it off, parry (in kindergarten and first grade - a clear advantage for someone who owns a lot of excuses like "I'm a fool, and you're smart, on duty in pots" or "the first burnt, the second golden"). Calmness and a sharp tongue (carefully! no insults!) are a significant advantage, especially when physical strength is unequal.

If something is taken away and they run away, never give chase - that's the whole point. And in order not to rush into the chase, you should not carry anything valuable and dear to your heart to school. The range of measures, if the thing was taken away, is from a simple “give it back” to a complaint by adults and parental negotiations for damages. Separately, it is necessary to teach children how to complain: not to whine, “Why did Ivanov take my pen!” - and ask: "please give me a spare pen, mine was taken away."

Nine-year-old Fedor is a head shorter than other classmates and a year younger. Fights are not for him: they will kill and not notice. Mom developed a whole defense strategy with Fedor. If they tease - laugh it off, if they take something away - offer it yourself: take it, I still have it. If they attack - warn: move away, stop, I don't like it, you hurt me. Leave. Deter the aggressor if it is physically possible. Look for non-banal solutions: raise a cry or douse with water (for this, too, will fly, but less than for a broken eyebrow or concussion). Finally, if the use of force is unavoidable, hit after the warning “I will hit you now”, preferably in front of witnesses. Fedor coped: they stopped beating him, they began to respect him.

What if the victim is at fault?

Children who are bullied are often characterized by social and emotional immaturity, vulnerability, lack of understanding of unwritten rules, and non-compliance with norms. Therefore, adults are often tempted to blame the child for bullying.

“Teachers, when discussing the problem of school bullying, prefer to call it the problem of an outcast,” notes Arseniy Pavlovsky. “But it’s always the problem of the team, not the victim.”

However, it is possible that it is not only the wickedness of others.

“It would be nice to take a closer look, ask the teachers, invite the school psychologist to attend the lessons and observe. The results are stunning. A child at school may turn out to be completely different from what he is at home,” says Natalya Naumenko.

Senya's parents, Russian-speaking foreign citizens who came to Russia to work, sent their son to a good school with a friendly atmosphere. Classmates started beating him by the end of the first month. The teachers began to find out what was the matter - and found out: Senya constantly grumbled and scolded everything around, from school to a vile dirty country, where he was forcibly brought and left to live among these nonentities.

And with Sasha, a cheerful and pretty teenager, no one wanted to sit next to him and work on a joint project. The teachers did not even immediately manage to find out that it was just a matter of personal hygiene: Sasha, who was sweating heavily, did not like to wash and change clothes, and delicate classmates, without explaining the reasons, simply avoided communication.

“If the situation with bullying is repeated over and over again in different circles of communication, we can conclude that the child has some kind of deficit in social skills,” says Arseniy Pavlovsky. “Then you need to look for help. But this is in the long term, it needs to be worked on for a long time. And here and now - it is necessary to extinguish the fire that has flared up.

“In such cases, undoubtedly, work with specialists is needed,” advises Natalya Naumenko, “and, most likely, it will be necessary to remove the child from the school environment for six months or a year. From such socialization all the same, there will be no sense.

Often, in order to save a child from unpleasant experiences, not so much is needed. Buy unscheduled pants for your teenage son so that hairy ankles do not stick out from under the short trousers. Do not force a second-grader to go to school in pantyhose, even if it is convenient for mom: underpants are not in short supply and are not more expensive. Do not take an eighth grader to and from school if you can walk and not through a criminal area.

This does not mean that principles should be compromised if they are really the point: rather, the point is that these principles and considerations of convenience do not make a laughingstock out of children.

A child does not need to be remade to please others: if you cure a chronic runny nose or at least teach a child to use handkerchiefs so that snot does not flow from his nose, it is relatively real, then it is much more difficult to make him lose weight. It is impossible to inspire a child that he can not be loved and persecuted for his otherness. “This is how sensitivity to external evaluation is formed,” says Natalya Naumenko. “You can’t adjust your qualities to the assessment of other people, it’s not from this end that you need to form self-acceptance.”

What to do with someone else's child?

Parents in interaction with other people's children are shaken from one extreme to another: then they turn a blind eye to the collective beating two meters from them, because they are not responsible for raising other people's children. Then they rush with their fists at the offenders of their child, because they are ready to immediately break for their own. And they teach their people to solve all problems with their fists: "and you hit him properly." And this is where heavy showdowns begin, often with the involvement of law enforcement agencies.

A typical situation: second grader Zhenya pushes the girl Masha in the school lobby while they both choose a place to sit down and change shoes. Masha falls. Grandma's car pushes Zhenya and calls him an idiot. Zhenya falls. The grandmother helps Masha up and tells the crying Zhenya to stay away from her granddaughter. Emotions prevent her from being an adult, not from fighting with a child on an equal footing.

Dishonest children must be calmly and firmly stopped. If someone else's child is rude and rude, you should not sink to his level. You can not threaten him and resort to profanity. It is best to hand it over to the parents and talk with them, ideally in the presence and through the mediation of teachers. Important: other people's children should not be grabbed with their hands, unless their behavior threatens someone's life or health.

inner sun

Many scientific studies have linked school bullying to family dysfunction and regional economic dysfunction. The internal troubles of the child are looking for a way out - and the “not like that” sitting next to him turns out to be an easy victim: bespectacled, non-Russian, lame, fat, nerd. And if it is not so easy to hook a happy and beloved child, then it is easy to hook an unhappy child: he is all a vulnerable spot. Happy and will not pay attention to other people's nonsense; the unfortunate one will howl, rush in pursuit - and provide the offender with a firework of emotions, which he was seeking.

So a very good way to make your child invulnerable is to surround him, like in Harry Potter, with a powerful protection of parental love. When you understand that you can be loved, when you have a sense of your own dignity, it’s not so easy to piss you off with the words “bespectacled man - a ball in the ass”: just think, nonsense. It is mom and dad who should raise this inner sun in a child: life is good, they love me, I am good and have the right to live and be loved. Every child is a child of God, the fruit of His love, in every one is His breath.

Parents, however, from early childhood - out of the best intentions, of course - extinguish this inner sun, endlessly reproaching the child for his shortcomings and stinting on kind words. The child is shamed, blamed and emotionally blackmailed, not seeing the line that should not be crossed. Beyond this line, the child understands that he is insignificant, he has no right to live. He is infinitely ashamed of himself, he is to blame for the fact that he is like that. He is deeply hurt by the most harmless teasing. He has already started the process of victimization - becoming a victim.

Peace, only peace!

Serezha wants to piss Dima off. He is pleased with the power over Dima. When Dima gets mad, blushes and yells, Seryozha rejoices - as if he had blown up a firecracker: bang - and confetti fly. Dima cannot remain silent. He seeks to wipe Seryozha off the face of the earth. Mom is trying to convince Dima that there is no need to react so violently, that you can laugh it off, leave, keep silent. But it seems to Dima that it’s not cool to keep silent: you need to embed it properly so that they don’t consider him a weakling.

You can also deal with this: for example, watch films about heroes together and pay attention not to those episodes where the hero beats everyone, but to those where endurance and composure are required of him. In this sense, films about spies and super agents are ideal. However, even Carlson with his tactics of bringing down, cursing and fooling around is a good help.

Cultural norms require that the child be strong and not give in to offenders, while civilizational norms do not encourage violence; If you don't hit back, you're a weakling; if you hit, they'll drag you to the children's room of the police. Whatever you do, you'll be wrong. “If you don’t know what to do, do it according to the law,” Natalya Naumenko recalls the old truth.

“A child is always tempted to respond with force for force,” notes psychologist Elina Zhilina. - He can be taught not to answer, to physically leave, to ignore the offender. And if you answer - then on a different level. This is difficult because it requires a fairly high level of self-awareness and self-confidence. But it is possible from an early age to teach a child to see what is behind the actions of another person, to understand his motives and sometimes even regret: you are unhappy, since you are so mad. This is useful, especially if you manage to achieve not proud, contemptuous pity, but sincere sympathy: how hard it is for him to live such a dirty trick out of him.

If the parents are Christians, they have a chance to teach the child that humility and meekness are not weakness, but a colossal inner strength. Turning the other cheek means showing that violence cannot destroy you, that it does not harm you in any way, does not hurt you. It can be difficult for children to accommodate this: “an eye for an eye” is closer to them. Parents have yet to cultivate this fortitude in them - and while it is not there, the child must be taught to deal with insults differently.

“It is important to convey a simple idea to the child: if someone says nasty things about you, this is not your problem, but his,” says Natalya Naumenko. - To teach a child to respond correctly to insults, without rushing into battle on every occasion, will not work quickly. This is a painstaking work, it takes three or four months. And sometimes it is necessary to remove the child from the environment where he is being bullied. If there is no acceptance of the environment, one cannot work on self-esteem. You can pick up your child for family education, for external studies and return him to school later. It often happens that the bullying is not the fault of the child, but the environment. For example, the classic version of the tale of the ugly duckling is a gifted child at a school in a socially disadvantaged area. We, adults, can choose the environment for ourselves - we can quit a job where we are humiliated. Children don't have that option. But we can help them by finding an environment where they will be accepted.”

Finally, with children who have experience of bullying, experience of undeserved suffering, it is imperative to talk - all experts insist on this. Maybe not everyone will need psychological or psychiatric help, but everyone needs help to survive and process this traumatic experience so that it does not cripple, but makes them stronger.

Harmony and Forgiveness

In preparing this article, I had to read quite a lot of scientific research in the field of school bullying. An American study was shocking, stating that in 85% of cases of bullying, surrounding adults and children are indifferently watching her and do not interfere. At the same time, Finnish, Canadian and other scientists argue that witnesses of bullying can dramatically affect what is happening if they do not remain silent and sit on the sidelines. At the same time, protecting the victim is not as effective as stopping the offender. So, in a good way, your children should be taught not only to resist those who offend them personally, but also not to offend others, not to leave them alone with trouble. I remember how at a meeting in the first grade with her son, the teacher said: “I said: Alice, look, you are behaving so badly, no one wants to be friends with you. Raise your hands - who wants to sit with Alice? Nobody raised their hand. And only Sasha, the smallest, stood up and said: "I will be friends with Alice." It just taught me a lesson."

The help and support of friends can help reduce victimization among victims of bullying. Swedish scientists from the University of Gothenburg in Gothenburg interviewed matured victims of school bullying: what, in the end, stopped it? The two most popular responses are "teacher interference" and "transfer to another school."

Finally, a Hong Kong study drew attention to itself: employees of the Faculty of Education of the University of Hong Kong, as a prevention of school bullying, propose to educate children in the spirit of "the values of harmony and forgiveness at the school level in order to cultivate a harmonious school culture." It would seem that Hong Kong does not belong to the Christian culture at all. But it is there that they consider it necessary to teach schoolchildren to live in harmony with themselves and forgive others - something that we not only forget, but do not even think about at all.

We must learn to forgive. After all, resentment and anger live in an offended soul for years, poisoning it and not allowing it to rise. But how to forgive is a completely different topic.

Who is being bullied

About 20-25% of schoolchildren become victims of constant or episodic bullying, and boys more often than girls. A typical victim of bullying is a student at a school in a socially disadvantaged area, a child from an unhappy family who often quarrels with his parents and thinks about running away from home. 80% of victims of systematic bullying are constantly depressed (according to research conducted at the University of Saskatchewan, Canada).

Who is poisoning

The offenders are more likely than others to be children who are mistreated at home, subjected to violence. Such children usually try to dominate others. They are more likely than their peers who do not participate in bullying, have mental and behavioral problems, and are prone to oppositional and defiant behavior. (According to studies conducted at the Psychiatric Hospital of Mexico City, Mexico; at the Department of Psychiatry, University of Rochester, USA; at the Institute of Clinical Medicine in Tromsø, Norway).

Children with medical problems are at risk

Deviations in health make children an easy target for peers. More often than others, obese children are bullied, but not only them: among the victims of bullying are visually impaired, hearing impaired, lame, etc.

Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, tics and Tourette's syndrome are at increased risk of bullying (nearly a quarter of them bully). There is a vicious circle here: the stronger the child has tics and more often tantrums, the stronger the bullying; Bullying exacerbates tics and leads to more frequent tantrums. The situation is even worse for children with Asperger's syndrome (an autism spectrum problem): up to 94% of such children are bullied. The reasons for bullying are roughly understandable: children find it difficult to make human contacts, they do not understand the rules of social interaction, behave inappropriately and seem stupid and strange to their peers, for which they are ostracized. According to research conducted at the Department of Pediatrics, University of Washington, Seattle, USA; at Queensland University, Australia; at the University of New Hampshire, Durham, USA).

Bullying harms health and academic performance

22 % of middle school students complain of a decline in academic performance due to bullying.

Victims of bullying are 2-3 times more likely to suffer from headaches and get sick. All participants in bullying - both bullies and victims, but especially victims - have significantly higher levels of suicidal thoughts and self-harm than their well-off peers. Boys who are bullied are four times more likely to physically harm themselves than boys who are not bullied. (According to ABC News; National Center for Suicide Research, Ireland; University of Warwick, UK; National Alliance for Mental Illness NAMI, USA).

Long-term effect of bullying

Although boys are more than twice as likely to be bullied than girls, the long-term effects are more severe for girls. They are more likely than boys to develop post-traumatic stress disorder - the body's reaction to mental trauma. This disorder affects the victims of terrorist attacks, veterans who came from the war, people who survived wars, genocide, natural disasters. Clinical symptoms of this disorder are observed in approximately 28% of boys and 41% of girls who were bullied at school.

As adults, girls who have been victims are more likely to be in psychiatric clinics and take antipsychotics, tranquilizers, and antidepressants, and this does not depend on whether they were mentally healthy at the time of the onset of bullying or not.

School bullying, like domestic violence, increases the victim's risk of developing borderline personality disorder.

Victims of school bullying, regardless of their gender, are twice as likely as their peers to be beaten as adults. (According to studies conducted at Åbo University, Finland; University of Stavanger, Norway; Tromsø Institute of Clinical Medicine, Norway; collaborative study of the University of Warwick, UK, Ludwig Maximilian University Munich, Germany, and Harvard University, USA).

How to start a conversation with a child about bullying, bring him to a frank conversation and try to solve the problem.

Bullying (from the English bullying - intimidation) is a psychological or physical violence against a person. Experts are sure that school bullying is a problem for the whole class, not just one child. Bullying can be experienced by any child, regardless of appearance and personality traits. There are resources where you can learn more about this problem and try to solve it. Often parents do not know how to start a conversation with a child, and what to advise him. Natalya Remish, writer and author of the project “Important for Children”, tells how you can solve the problem of bullying and help your child.

How to bring a child to a dialogue

To understand what is going on with the child at school or any other children's team, it is important to allocate time for such conversations. Do not suddenly fall down with the question “Who are you friends with at school?” When the child is already in the 5th grade, but regularly discuss how the day went, what was pleasant, what was not pleasant. In any relationship, trust is built incrementally. If you have contact and such conversations are part of the family culture of communication, the child himself will talk about the difficulties with classmates. If there is no such culture, start introducing it as soon as possible. It is important not to give any judgments here. Often parents consider it their duty to evaluate the information received from the child, accompanying it with instructions. This works up to a certain age, but when the child begins to feel like an adult, he stops taking lectures, answers "It's okay" and goes to his room.

What matters first

It is important to talk to the child about the situation, ask what exactly happened, and take his words seriously, making it clear that you understand his pain. Tell your child that this is wrong and that it shouldn't be. It is important to convey to the child that psychological violence is also violence, and the wounded feelings of a small person are justified. Now it is important for him to be understood and accepted.

How to have a conversation

Listen carefully, do not interrupt, ask simple questions: “What happened next? What did you answer?" Most likely, you will experience the whole range of negative feelings, but it is important for the child to see that you can calmly accept this information and just as calmly begin to solve the problem. The reaction of a parent is sometimes worse than what happened. Summarize what was said, showing empathy: “You were in the hall, Vanya pushed you, Sasha too. This is very annoying. I can imagine how you felt." Emphasize that it’s not about him: “You understand that he didn’t do this because you run slowly, but because he most likely has some problems at home. But that doesn't give him the right to behave like that." Offer to help your child know that you are on their side and they are protected. Discuss that you will need to speak with the teacher, with the child's permission.

Explain to the child that it is not about him

The violence of one person over another happens because the first one needs to get rid of the negative feelings caused by the problems in his life. Emphasize that the cause of the aggressive behavior is the abuser's personal life, not your child's personality. Such a conversation returns a person's self-confidence, and this is already a serious degree of protection and prevention of possible injury from the situation.

Thanks for being candid

It may not have been easy for the child to say this. Tell him, "Thank you for trusting me, I appreciate it." Point out to the child that no one should tolerate violence, and he is not obliged to remain silent and refuse to protect adults just because the aggressor considers it cowardly. We ask for help when it’s hard for us to carry a bag or when we can’t solve a problem. The situation with bullying is also difficult to solve alone. This is not a fair fight, but cruelty.

Discuss how the child should behave when he is alone.

In European schools, children are taught simple steps. If something is unpleasant for them, they put their hand forward and say: “Stop, this is unpleasant for me.” It would seem that a simple phrase, but it often disarms the aggressor: he understands that his behavior does not reach the goal.

Children often try to please those who offend them, and this only provokes the aggressor. Therefore, if the bullying continues, it is recommended to physically distance yourself from the group, try to make friends and stay close to them. Gathering a team around you, you can scare off the aggressor.

Talk to the teacher

Bullying is a problem for the whole class, and the teacher is undoubtedly the main figure in the educational process. You need to calmly talk with the teacher, describe your vision from the words of the child, talk about his emotional state and ask the teacher's opinion. In no case should the conversation be accusatory, because aggression will cause reciprocal aggression. Agree on the next, possibly joint steps.

If nothing helps

If the situation does not change, keep records, take photographs of damaged property (torn backpack or notebook). If this is cyberbullying and bullying happens on the Web, take screenshots. Talk to the parents of other students - perhaps their children are also being abused. In this case, you can work together. Go to the director, submit written appeals and accept answers in the same form. The problem of bullying should be addressed by the school.

Why is it difficult for a child to tell his parents that he was a victim of bullying

Parents can agree with the offender

“I confess that my name is fat / sucker / bespectacled, and my mother will again remind me that I need to eat less / dress differently / not sit close to the computer.” If you regularly scold your child, he will be afraid to come to you with another problem. Positive reinforcement is a very important factor in a relationship. It is based on the fact that when communicating with a child, you focus not on the bad, but on the good: do not scold him for not taking out the trash, but praise him for washing the plate. After good words, you can also kindly remind: “Do not forget to throw out the garbage, please.” So the child will not be afraid to tell you that at school they point out his sore points. He won't expect the same from you.

May be accused of failure

“I will say, and mom and dad will call me a weakling, a coward, they will say that I cannot fight back.” It is painful and scary to receive another reproach when you feel so bad already. Bullying is always the majority against the minority, so the child really cannot stand up for himself. If parents expect violence from him, the fear of going back to school will be added to the fear of returning home: the child will think that he could not live up to the expectations placed on him. The message "give back" is an incitement to aggression, and any aggression causes a response. Of course, there is a chance that by hitting the enemy or calling him another cruel word, the child will stop this aggression, but this is most likely a temporary phenomenon.

They devalue the feelings

Parents do not know how to respond to the child's pain, and therefore often devalue it. It seems that by saying: "They are fools, do not pay attention," we will reduce the degree of tragedy. This is similar to a situation in which a small child falls, and the parents reassure him with the words: “Well, nothing happened. You didn't hit at all." In fact, the situation is reversed: the child feels bad, and in this way we tell him that his feelings are not significant.

Fear that parents will go to understand

The child is afraid that the intervention of parents will lead to even greater shame and bullying. He will not talk about his sore points if he does not count on your understanding. He should have experience of positive conversations on topics that are difficult for him, so that he is not afraid to come to you with the topic of bullying. In most cases, you need to calmly accept his problems, listen to them and not press with moralizing. This is the only way to build trust.

"Important things for children" - non-commercial

Bullying is often not spoken out loud because it can damage the reputation of the school, students, or parents. But it exists and can bring big problems to everyone who participates in it - including the initiators of the aggression. Bullying is driven by ignorance, maximalism and the social environment, which in many ways creates the preconditions for pressure on individual members of the community.

The most stressful age in this regard is 11-14 years old, when teenagers are looking for themselves and their place in the world. Building their identity, they unite in groups. During this period, children's groups are very separated and have a straightforward ideology without gradients: the world for teenagers is divided into black and white. Formed groups of teenagers strive to maintain integrity.

The easiest way to keep the group stable is to construct the idea of an external enemy and look for a weaker enemy whose systematic oppression satisfies the members of the dominant group.

In sociology, this is called negative mobilization. The group maintains internal consensus through external violence. Such a system can exist for quite a long time and stably.

Typically, there are a few people obsessed with the idea of bullying someone. They use brute force to maintain the authority and direction of lower-ranking classmates. Someone participates in the persecution in order to climb up the hierarchy, someone engages in bullying for pleasure, someone does it out of fear, internally sympathizing with the object of bullying (from English bullying).

A classic example of psychological bullying in the field of education is the film Scarecrow by Rolan Bykov, starring young Kristina Orbakaite, where the topic of bullying among teenagers is very clearly revealed. At thematic teacher forums, participants often invite problem students to get acquainted with the "Scarecrow" so that they can see their actions from the outside.

Harassment is carried out in established ways:

moral abuse,
physical violence,
damage to personal property,
rumors, gossip, lies.

Separately, it is worth noting the so-called "internet bullying" - a product of the digital age. In some cases, Internet harassment manifests itself in the search for compromising evidence on the victim, followed by blackmail. In addition to blackmail, there is a purposeful "drain" of compromising information on the Internet. Targeted trolling can serve as one of the tools of Internet harassment. "Trolls" play on the weaknesses of their victims: they beat on self-esteem, ridicule the hobbies and shortcomings of other people.

We asked a psychologist who deals with the problem of school bullying to answer a few questions about how bullying works and what to do if your children are faced with it.

Alexandra Bochaver,

Candidate of Sciences in Psychology, Research Fellow, Center for Contemporary Childhood Research, Institute of Education, National Research University Higher School of Economics.

The mechanism of bullying and risk groups

Bullying is purposeful regular aggressive behavior towards someone in conditions of inequality of power and power. It works as a mechanism for building a system of social statuses. If there is a lot of tension and uncertainty in the group, then the formation of the “aggressor-victim” poles endows two (or more) people with the highest and lowest statuses, allowing the rest of the group members to settle in intermediate positions.

A child who finds himself in the role of a victim is usually someone who, for some reason, is more psychologically vulnerable than others. This vulnerability may be related to the child's difference from the majority in appearance, ethnicity, health status, and so on. However, the fact that the child was the tallest in the class (black-eyed, well-read, physically weak, and so on) does not necessarily lead to the fact that he will be persecuted by classmates.

More important is how the child reacts to aggression against himself: if he has difficulties with self-control, he easily falls into a rage or tears, does not feel irony and cannot calmly respond to attacks, then the likelihood that he will be offended increases.

In addition, difficult life situations (for example, divorce of parents or moving to another city), which traumatize the child and draw on his emotional forces, make him more vulnerable to aggression at school. In this case, he may not have enough resources to cope with the negative behavior of classmates and build constructive relationships with them.

There is a myth that there are children who are bound to be bullied wherever they go to school. This is not so: everything depends not only on how a particular child behaves and how ready he is to enter into friendly communications, but also to a large extent on what type of relationship is accepted in the group, what modes of behavior are supported and broadcast by adults.

Consequences of bullying for participants

There are three parties involved in bullying: a child who finds himself in the role of a victim; a child involved in stalking; children who have witnessed bullying. Research shows that systematic bullying that is not stopped in time leads to negative consequences for all participants in the situation, affecting their attitude, behavior and expectations from other people.

Children who are constantly bullied often exhibit the psychosomatic symptoms of an anxiety-depressive disorder, may become prone to self-destructive behavior up to suicidal attempts, get sick more often, lose their academic motivation, and tend not to go to school. They begin to perceive the world as dangerous, and themselves as unprotected.

A child who has been bullying with impunity for a long time often becomes convinced that whoever is in power is right, and transfers this experience to other relationships, preparing for the fact that someone stronger will humiliate him in the same way as he is. is doing with another child now. Bullying children are more likely to exhibit other forms of offending behavior later on.

Children, in front of which there is a systematic persecution of some peers by others, experience fear and shame. If the bullying is not stopped by their intervention or the inclusion of adults, they get used to the fact that their participation is passive, and their numbers mean nothing.

Prolonged bullying in the classroom has a negative effect on all children, weaning them from respectful partnerships and emphasizing the helplessness of some and the power (power, status) of others. The inaction of adults strengthens this feeling.

Influence of family and teachers

The family is the most important social environment for the child, the relationships in which lay down his ways of interacting with the world and expectations from other people. When violence, humiliation, rudeness and disrespect are practiced in the family, the child is more likely to demonstrate the same behaviors at school. If in the family people show interest, respect, warmth to each other, are ready to help and support each other, this helps the child to be oriented towards constructive relationships in the classroom. And in the case of aggression from other children, he had enough resources and support to cope with it.

The position of teachers on how relationships should be built in the classroom and between children and teachers is also very important.

A teacher who respects students, strengthens their self-esteem and celebrates their successes, is ready to discuss difficult situations in the class, responds to the requests of schoolchildren and their parents, works to ensure that relations in the class are constructive and aggressive behavior does not become permanent.

A teacher who ignores the psychological climate in the classroom and relations between children, humiliates one of the students or has "favorites", branding the whole class as "unteachable", "worst in parallel", etc., not ready to pay attention to complex and conflict situations, his behavior is more likely to escalate bullying. He encourages aggression directed at one of the children and relieving tension in the classroom in this way.

If a child is being bullied

It is important for parents to roughly imagine the situation in the classroom - with whom their child is friends, with whom they are not, what kind of relationship he has with teachers, how close the class is. It is useful to be aware if there are any important changes. If a parent finds out that their child is being systematically bullied or harassed, they can do the following few things.

Support the child, showing him that no matter how relations develop in the class, the parent loves and appreciates him (do not shame, do not blame).
Try to clarify what exactly is happening and come up with (on your own, with a child, with the help of other children or adults, with a psychologist) new ways to respond to situations that arise (respond to name-calling, and so on). It is important that these methods help to protect the boundaries and move to a different style of relationship. Calm parrying, humor, detachment, and other ways to help maintain balance will help with this.
Activate alternative school environments where self-confidence increases (circles and sections that the child likes, where he is successful).
Change what can be changed to reduce the frequency of your child's encounters with bullies. You can find a new route to school, do not take items that provoke bullying to school, block the offender on the social network.
Talk to the class teacher about the relationship in the classroom and the behavior of the children. It is important for the parent to understand what exactly the class teacher sees and how he relates to it, as well as to help him develop an action plan - from the teacher's gentle intervention in specific situations to discussing the episode of bullying at the classroom hour or parent-teacher meeting. It's worth remembering here that bullying in the classroom makes learning difficult, and it's usually in the teachers' interest to have good relationships in the classroom. But often they do not know how to behave in a difficult situation and can ignore it. The support of the parent community is also important: with collective appeals, it is more difficult for the class teacher to ignore what is happening.
To draw the attention of a school psychologist to the situation of bullying, to help the class teacher, work with the class and transfer the situation from the category of invisible to the category of those with whom work is being done. If adults try to maintain respectful and constructive relationships, there is every chance of a successful resolution of the situation. If the school as a whole is treated with disrespect to each other (the director yells at teachers, teachers are afraid of parents and humiliate children), the chances that the situation will change are much less.
Find a psychological group for the child (for children or teenagers) or organize individual sessions with a psychologist, where you can discuss traumatic situations in a safe environment and work out new behavioral tactics.

If the child is involved in bullying or is the leader of bullying

To admit that his child is wrong is always unpleasant for a parent - especially in front of other parents. However, from the point of view of the further development of the child, it is important that his aggressive behavior is noticed and not ignored by adults. You need to understand that aggressive suppression of aggressive actions does not work. Beating, swearing, humiliation of an aggressive child, as well as a direct ban on bullying, are ineffective. They only strengthen the child's confidence that "he who is strong is right" - just paired with a parent, he takes the role of the weak.

If a child systematically offends one of the other children, this indicates that he feels insecure and really wants to improve his status. However, he does not currently have other tools to increase his self-confidence. Accordingly, the parent may wonder why the child feels this way.

You need to try to create an environment in which he can acquire the missing skills and feel more successful, competent and recognized without offending someone weaker. First of all, we are talking about relationships in the family itself. In addition, it can be a variety of circles and sections where there is a place for achievements and competition (sports, hiking, and so on).

The key idea that should be kept in mind in the context of bullying is this: children in their relationships with each other repeat what adults show them, the alternative to bullying is respect and mutual assistance.

If you have witnessed moral and physical violence within the walls of the school where your children study, do not remain indifferent. The same applies to teachers and school administrators - no need to pass by, indirectly supporting the situation of violence. If each of us is not indifferent, then there will be less aggression around our children.

Anakin Skywalker

Mom, you said that all the problems in the universe are because no one helps anyone.