Tibetan and Japanese methods of raising children. Family Values in China: Peculiarities of Parenting The Tibetan Method of Raising Children
I have always been drawn to the east... And the older I get, the stronger the pull. I changed my once adored passion for Scandinavia, first to China, and now I have added Japan to it. This applies to all aspects of life: from philosophy to food.
Not so long ago I was criticized for my attitude to raising children. Well. I decided to clarify what the Han people so beloved by me think about this.
Eh! It took me!.. Like the best tea leaves, I selected sources of information, flooded them with my knowledge and experience, let it brew, and now! Selected extract! Sit back, enjoy :)
Briefly.
The history of China, immortalized in written sources, is about 3,500 years old and, according to documentary evidence, begins with the Shang Dynasty, the foundation of which dates back to the 16th century. BC. Chinese culture is one of the oldest. The earliest cultural monuments found in China date back to the 5th-3rd millennium BC.
One of the most significant events in the world in the last quarter of the last century was the powerful breakthrough of China. During the first 20 years of Deng Xiao Ping's reforms, China's GDP grew 5 times, the income of the population - 4 times, 270 million Chinese managed to overcome the poverty threshold. The Chinese economy in 2005 ranked 4th in the world after the US, Japan and Germany. By the 2030s China expects to become the second most powerful state in the world.
China is a powerful nuclear and aerospace power. In terms of stocks of nuclear weapons, it is the third, after the United States and Russia. China has created a wide complex network of research, design, production and testing structures for rocket science and artificial earth satellites... And in general, ahead of the rest.
"Parents hope that their son will definitely become a dragon, and their daughter - a phoenix"
家长都希望自己的儿子肯定会成为龙和一个女儿 - 凤凰
The traditional model of family organization in China was characterized by patriarchy, patrilineality and patrilocality. It was formed on the basis of Confucian ideas about the family and the nature of the relationship between various categories of relatives by blood and marriage, the cult of ancestors and the doctrine of filial piety xiao.
China is by far not the richest country at the moment, and a large number of children and the harsh competition of the labor market could not but affect how Chinese children are brought up. And the combination with the culture of China gave an absolutely incredible style of upbringing, by which you can define the whole country as a whole.
There is an old Chinese saying: "At the age of three, you can see what a child will be like when he grows up." That is why young women in China start raising their children from the very beginning, that is, even at the stage of pregnancy. Future mothers listen to specially selected music, talk to the baby when he is still in the womb. Some pregnant women during this period look only at beautiful pictures, admire beautiful objects, try to stay in a calm mood.
It is believed that if a child has learned to bring his hand to his mouth, then he can be taught to eat on his own and it's time to wean.
Teaching a child to sing, draw, write and count begins at the age of one and a half.
Chinese children at the age of 2–3 years already recite dozens of poems, by the age of 3 they know about a thousand characters and read fluently, and at the age of 4 they learn to play various musical instruments or attend sports sections. Of course, all this is not without the help of the education system and the efforts of parents.
After the birth of a child, parents have more trouble. They buy books, cassettes, CDs for babies in order to develop an interest in everything in a child. When children are two or three years old, parents take them to kindergarten and at the same time enroll them in various courses, such as English courses, playing musical instruments, painting, dancing, wushu gymnastics. It often happens like this: as soon as they leave the kindergarten, the kids immediately go with their parents to some classes.
The most favorite word of a Chinese student, zi xue (ji xue), is not just doing homework, it is self-education, self-improvement in the field of knowledge.
The components of the education system in China are pre-school education, elementary school, junior high school, high school, university, graduate school.
Pre-school education institutions are kindergartens, which are divided into public and private. They are attended by children aged 3 to 6 years. The purpose of preschool education is to prepare the child for schooling, for the productive development of the school curriculum.
Primary school education lasts six years, starting at the age of six. Here a solid foundation is laid for further education: the basics of literacy are comprehended, initial knowledge about nature and society is formed, attention is paid to patriotic and physical education. The main subjects of study are the native language, mathematics (the emphasis is on these subjects), natural science, physical education, music, morality and ethics, a foreign language (from the 3rd grade, more often English). In addition, starting in 4th grade, students spend two weeks a year working in workshops and farms, and at least one day a week they are involved in extracurricular activities and social activities.
Secondary school in China consists of two levels - incomplete and senior.
In order to enter the secondary school of the first stage, students pass the most difficult exams, the tasks in which are usually an order of magnitude more difficult than the material that is required by the program.
When students reach the age of 12-13, they begin their education in an incomplete secondary school, or a secondary school of the first stage. The training lasts three to four years. The main academic disciplines at the first stage are the native language, mathematics, a foreign language, computer science, morality and ethics, physics, chemistry, political literacy, geography.
Ninth grade is the final stage of compulsory schooling in the PRC.
Secondary secondary school in China is a complete secondary school (high school). The age of students entering the second stage is 15-16 years. Education here lasts from two to four years - depending on the chosen course of study: academic or vocational profiles.
The task of general secondary schools in China is to form a working person or a well-prepared applicant for admission to higher educational institutions.
The academic profile is, in fact, a standard high school, which makes it possible to subsequently enter a university.
The vocational profile is represented by several types of educational institutions: special technical, technical, vocational or agricultural schools. The duration of training in special technical schools is 4 years. The programs are designed to train specialists in such areas as agriculture, medicine, economics, law, etc. Technical schools train specialists in the steel, textile, fuel and pharmaceutical industries. The term of study in vocational or agricultural schools is three years, but they are considered the least prestigious.
After graduating from an educational institution, many graduates get a job by distribution.
High school programs in China are focused on the mental, physical, moral and artistic education of students. The main academic disciplines in the secondary school of the PRC are the native language, native literature, mathematics, history, physics, chemistry, biology, geography, foreign language, political literacy, physiology, physical education, music, and fine arts.
The academic year begins in September, lasts 9.5 months and consists of two semesters. Holidays are from January to February and from July to August. Classes are 5 days a week.
In the course of studying in the academic profile of high school, students take several types of exams, one of which is graduation.
To obtain a high school diploma, students must pass exams in the subjects: Chinese, mathematics, foreign language, physics, chemistry, political science, history, geography, computer science and biology.
The unified final school exam (analogous to the Russian USE) is held in May simultaneously throughout the country. Graduates' knowledge is assessed on a 100-point scale.
In Chinese schools, the bell collects the thirsty for science at 7.30 in the morning. We must have time to have breakfast, you won’t wait for a big change after the second lesson. Therefore, no later than at 6.30, even a nearby schoolchild, the alarm clock sings a peppy song in his ear: “Zao shang hao!” The first lesson is tai chi gymnastics. Here, students do the same thing that pensioners do at 5 am on the embankment: they release creative life energy in the body. At 11.30 - a break, quite noticeable (3 hours), but invented in no way for spontaneous pastime. During this time, you need to get home, have a hearty lunch and sleep well. It would not even occur to a Chinese child to exchange daytime sleep for a computer shooter. Otherwise, he simply cannot survive in this “cognitive” marathon. Sometimes children sleep at school: they fall asleep on a call, lying on a desk, and wake up on a call.
At 2.30 pm, the native classes again enclose the children in their strong brick hugs, this time until 5 pm. At 17.00 a schoolboy can be called a free bird, but only for two hours. Family dinner is sacred! And at 19.00 the resilient bike will take its diligent owner for a three-hour self-improvement. Young Chinese usually pull the tight strap of self-education in the library. They are not watched by video cameras or teachers or parents. And dead silence. The teacher, of course, is present, sipping green tea somewhere, but not to stand steadily over the tender child's soul, but to answer questions that arise.
After the library, schoolchildren rush home, where a voluminous homework awaits them.
In the last grade of the secondary school, where children are prepared for the high school exam, there are at least 8-9 lessons per day: five lessons in the first half of the day, four lessons in the second. Every day at the last lesson, a test a.k.a.
Many secondary schools have boarding schools for students to live in. It is forbidden to bring electronic devices into the boarding school, that is, all iPhones, iPads and computers are waiting for their owners at home, where the latter spend their weekends - students return home on Friday evening, and on Sunday evening again to the hostel.
Seeing a Chinese school-age child on the street during the day is only possible in the summer. But not passing a ping-pong ball in carefree ecstasy. Even in summer, hungry for elementary truths, children hasten to eat from the tree of knowledge. Children are not required by law to attend school during the summer. But if a child decides to brag about the fact that there are no summer classes at their school, all the Chinese sitting nearby will shake their heads disapprovingly: “This is a bad school” ...
Parents of high school students usually invite home tutors. For this they have to lay out a tidy sum.
School sports are also taken seriously in China; Chinese teenagers are confidently winning at the Olympiads. The principles of local education directly push them to this: victory at any cost, strict discipline, training “through I can’t” ... It’s hard not to become the best athlete here.
The higher education system in China includes universities, colleges and vocational high schools.
Higher educational institutions in the PRC are focused on the development of science, technology and culture, on the training of highly qualified personnel, on the formation of competitive education within the framework of the world educational process. In order to fully meet the needs of economic modernization, the list of educational specialties has been improved, emphasis has been placed on political, economic and legal sciences, finance, mechanical engineering, architecture, electronics, computer technology, light and food industries.
Having a higher education in China is very prestigious. In the system of national values and priorities, education occupies, perhaps, a leading place.
Graduates of secondary schools with an academic profile and graduates of special technical schools have a chance to get higher education.
Depending on the results obtained at the final school exam, the applicant can apply for admission to the entrance exams only to the university, the category of which corresponds to the points scored.
Applicants are required to pass a special exam in seven subjects to enter the university.
When entering individual universities, competitions are 200-300 people per place, and therefore enrolling in a university becomes a real achievement for an applicant.
In China, paid higher education prevails, but it is not so easy to enter the “commercial basis” either - all applicants go on a general basis. Gifted young people have a chance to get higher education for free. In addition, in some cases, the company where the student worked pays for the training. Gifted students also enjoy some benefits in the form of state scholarships or subsidies from enterprises and organizations.
The term of study in highly professional universities with a short course of study (incomplete colleges, or colleges of a short cycle) is two to three years. Graduates of these educational institutions are certified mid-level specialists for work in various industries.
Colleges with a four-year undergraduate program accept graduates of special technical and regular high schools. Upon graduation, graduates receive a diploma in their specialty or a bachelor's degree.
Obtaining a bachelor's degree at the university takes 4-5 years.
Postgraduate studies can be carried out with or without interruption from work. The training of graduate students is divided into two categories: the training of specialists with a master's degree (the duration of study is two to three years; the age of the graduate student is no more than 40 years) and the training of specialists with the scientific degree of Doctor of Science (the duration of training is three years; the age of graduate students is no more than 45 years).
The logical chain of reasons why such selfless and backbreaking work in the educational field is possible is painfully simple and understandable: your own wonderful future in the context of economic globalization depends on your workplace (the chair of a company director or a bench in the waiting corridor of a labor exchange ...). Intense competition in the employment of only a decently educated person, that is, the fate of a person depends entirely on the results of entrance exams to universities, and given that the number of places in them is strictly limited, and those who want to sit down are not even dozens, but hundreds of times more, - it turns out that for the Chinese, a successful career begins already at school, if not in kindergarten. The country, shining today with fireworks of multi-colored neon, is very concerned about raising creative children. Plus, the traditionally high prestige of education and the importance of preserving the "face" of the family, enlightened by Confucian wisdom.
“To the person who was your teacher for at least one day, you are obliged to the end of your days”
你欠了他的余生来谁是你的老师至少有一天的人
Respect for the teacher, respect for elders, and respect for elders are the three fundamentals in raising children.
They demand obedience and diligence from children, this brings up responsibility and let them know where your place is. Students respect the teacher, greet him while standing and see him out of the classroom while standing. Any action the student performs only with the permission of the teacher.
Schoolchildren in some places can still be hit on the hands and slapped if he goes beyond certain limits (for example, if he chats in class or plays). There is usually deathly silence in the classrooms during lessons. You will not be allowed to go to the toilet during the lesson. The lesson is coming - be patient. They are not allowed to be distracted in class. Therefore, if a child has problems with incontinence, diapers are put on.
Children leave the school after school in even rows, built in pairs, with the teacher at the head. They say goodbye to the teacher in the yard and go home. And in small towns and home, schoolchildren go in a chain. Behind the gate, two "brooks" diverge to the left and to the right. And gradually dissolve in the yards.
Respect for ancestors is one of the core values of Chinese society. Accordingly, honoring parents is what the whole system of educating the younger generation in China is based on. “A core value in Chinese culture is the idea of 'filial gratitude', which in a broader sense means reverence, respect and a sense of gratitude not only for parents, but for all ancestors. In China, children are required not only to obey their parents, but also to take care of them.”
The problems of upbringing in Chinese families are not at all the same as ours. Imagine the situation, a mother comes into the store and says to the child: “Wait,” and the child waits for an hour, or even two, without a drop of worries. Imagine if our mother said the same and what the child would have done in these two hours.
Submission and self-deprecation are two main factors in the upbringing of the Chinese. Earlier in the countryside, the child spent the whole day with his mother everywhere and everywhere, being tied to her with a piece of cloth. Breastfeeding lasted a long time, the baby was fed on demand, the kids slept with their parents. Everything seemed to be quite normal, but at the same time it was believed that the floor was dirty, and the child was not allowed to crawl on the floor. Most of the time the baby sat on a chair, it happened that even tied. Over time, parenting styles have changed, but humility and acceptance of everything with humility have remained as the main principles.
Confucianism
Everyone - from the emperor to the common man - agree that raising a child is the direct responsibility of parents. It should be appreciated that for several thousand years, during the development of the traditions of the Chinese people, proper home education was highly valued and it was always considered that raising children is the duty of parents. Those parents who only raised children without raising them properly were not considered full-fledged parents. Even in an ancient Chinese poem, it was said that "to grow up, but not to educate, is the fault of the father." If a person wanted to be a full-fledged parent, he had to adhere to the principles of traditional education. It was believed that a person should raise his child not only at a young age, but throughout his life. Over time, the concepts of raising children gradually expanded.
Home education has always been important not only for children and families, but also for the development of society and the country as a whole, since it was believed that the country should be one big family. The child had to realize from early childhood that he must take care not only of his family, but of the whole country.
First of all, the child was taught to behave with dignity in society, and only then he was taught to properly fulfill his duties, to act. In China, they say: "If you want to succeed at work, you need to behave like a worthy person ("become a person")." According to the theory of Confucius, a person must first of all have "jen" - humanity, humanity, love for people; manifestations of "jen" - justice, fidelity, sincerity, etc.
In order for Children to become independent, they must be taught from childhood to work and the proper handling of money. Parents should not set aside material resources for the future of their children, so that children do not rely on this money. Also, children should not use the social status of their parents.
According to Chinese traditions, important positive qualities of a person can be distinguished: independence, diligence, curiosity, love and respect for parents and relatives, loyalty to one's country, patriotism, quality work, courage, non-conflict, honesty, politeness. These qualities are the main content in traditional education.
Already in ancient China, people knew the importance of family education during preschool age, they knew that education is much easier than re-education.
Another principle is love and strictness: do not spoil the child, show the right examples, know good and evil.
A good environment is also important in raising a child. In any literature related to parenting, there is a story about one mother, "Men", who moved three times in order to have good neighbors who could positively influence the development of the child. Ancient scholars believed that the environment is "education without words."
The formation of the personal quality of honesty at an early age is especially strong if a person develops infidelity, then he will not soon get rid of it. Truthfulness is not given to a person ready-made; it must be acquired and assimilated initially only by observing the life of others, just like the speech of a child.
Constant and consistent parental examples have a positive impact. The educational power of a personal example of parents is due to the psychological characteristics of preschool children: imitation and concreteness of thinking. Parents should educate their children not only in words, but also with their positive examples of behavior.
Before the policy of "planned childbearing" in Chinese families usually had several children, it is important to love everyone in a large family. According to the ancient views of the Chinese, in order to ensure a peaceful existence, the head of the family must take care of the continuity of his family. He needs to have a son, it is desirable during his lifetime to see him married and even having his own children, and if possible, then great-grandchildren.
One of the important foundations of social order, according to Confucius, was strict obedience to elders. Blind obedience to his will, word, desire is an elementary norm for a junior, subordinate, subject both within the state as a whole and in the ranks of the clan, family. Confucius reminded that the state is a big family, and the family is a small state.
Confucianism gave the cult of ancestors a deep meaning of a symbol of a special order and made it the first duty of every Chinese. Confucius developed the doctrine of "xiao", filial piety. The meaning of "xiao" is to serve parents according to the rules of "li", to bury them according to the rules of "li" and to sacrifice them according to the rules of "li".
The Confucian ancestor cult and the Xiao norm contributed to the flourishing of the family and clan cult. The family was considered the core of society, the interests of the family far exceeded the interests of the individual. Hence the constant trend towards family growth. With favorable economic opportunities, the desire for close relatives to live together sharply prevailed over separatist inclinations. A powerful branched clan of relatives arose, holding on to each other and sometimes inhabiting an entire village.
And in the family and in society as a whole, anyone, including an influential head of the family, an important official of the emperor, was primarily a social unit, inscribed in the strict framework of Confucian traditions, beyond which it was impossible: this would mean "losing face", and the loss of face for the Chinese is tantamount to civil death. Deviations from the norm were not allowed, and Chinese Confucianism did not encourage any extravagance, originality of mind or higher appearance: strict norms of the cult of ancestors and appropriate upbringing suppressed selfish inclinations from childhood.
From childhood, a person got used to the fact that the personal, emotional, his own on the scale of values is incommensurable with the general, accepted, rationally conditioned and obligatory for everyone.
Not being a religion in the full sense of the word, Confucianism became more than just a religion. Confucianism is also politics, and the administrative system, and the supreme regulator of economic and social processes - in a word, it is the basis of the entire Chinese way of life, the quintessence of Chinese civilization. For more than two thousand years, Confucianism has shaped the minds and feelings of the Chinese, influenced their beliefs, psychology, behavior, thinking, perception, their way of life and way of life.
In feudal China, the entire Chinese nation, called the "hundred families", was regarded as one large family, whose father and mother were the emperor. All subjects of this large family had to show their son's love and respect for the emperor. From early childhood, the Chinese learned to believe that paternal power belongs to the head of a small family, i.e. father, and the head of a large family, i.e. emperor. This tradition has been preserved to this day. The tradition of bringing up obedience and respect for elders is instilled from childhood. This tradition is obligatory both at home, at school, in society, and at work.
An equally strong cultural tradition in the upbringing of children in China is the desire of parents to give their children the maximum, in the hope of getting the same maximum from their children. China, like no other country in the world, is characterized by constant pressure on the child, which is with a single goal: to achieve maximum success in life, to become the first among equals, and better - among the first.
In China, adults instill in children that life is harsh, and you have to work hard, know a lot and look great. Calling a plump daughter a fat woman or telling a child that he does not have a head, but a garbage pit, a Chinese mother does not disdain.
She will never praise her daughter or son for a minor role in a school play and for a “good” rating: he should only play the main roles and receive only the best marks. If this happens, the child gets the delight of the family, which encourages him to achieve the next heights.
Chinese children and teenagers have a lot of prohibitions: if a child plays a musical instrument, you can’t miss classes, you can’t devote too much time to friends, you can’t allow yourself to play computer games, and so on.
But a grown-up Chinese will never tell his parents, like a European and a Russian: “Why did you make me study so hard? I didn't have a childhood!"
Chinese parents believe that children owe everything to them (the so-called "Confucian filial piety"). And children are brought up with a constant sense of obligation to dad and mom, grandfather and grandmother.
The Chinese value strength, not weakness, often treat children as adults, scold them for what the light is worth, demand. They are not shy in expressions, they call a spade a spade: “You are lazy! You are fat!" At the same time, they spend a lot of money on the upbringing and education of children, sometimes they save up all their lives from the moment of birth for their future studies at institutes. Chinese parents decide everything for their children! Therefore, the girls here do not go camping overnight and do not have boyfriends while studying at the institute. There are no family students here! The Chinese begin to prepare the child for the future "war for survival" from a very young age. Therefore, one should not be surprised at their endurance. Since childhood, many people know that competition is a cruel thing. If you don’t want to study, you will work for “food” like a slave. And in the end, we see what China has achieved! A huge number of Chinese in science, business, culture are now all over the world, they are busy in the USA and Europe, and they are moving forward!
Is it not thanks to such methods of education, enlightenment and upbringing of generations that the citizens of the PRC have jointly achieved enormous successes recognized by the whole world in sports, economics, science, technology, and in anything else?
From the outside, it seems that all China's victories are based on pathological patriotism, the personal ambition of each individual, and the people's clear fulfillment of the tasks of the Party and the government of the PRC. China is a truly powerful "machine" and a great power, and, by and large, thanks to each of its citizens.
And finally, I would like to quote from the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by American-based Chinese woman Amy Chua, professor of law at Yale University.
“Many people wonder how Chinese parents manage to raise such successful children. What do these parents do to raise such smart mathematicians and virtuoso musicians, what happens in their families, and is it possible to arrange the same in your own family. I can tell because I did it myself. Here are the things my daughters Sophia and Louise were never allowed to do:
go to sleepover parties
make friends
Participate in school plays
Complain about not being allowed to participate in school plays
watch TV or play computer games
Choose your own extracurricular activities
Receive grades below "five"
not be "student number 1" in any subject other than PE and drama
play any instrument other than the piano and violin
Do not play the piano or violin
Despite all our struggles with cultural stereotypes, there are many studies that show noticeable and even measurable differences between Chinese and Westerners in regards to parenting. In one such study of 50 American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, about 70% of Western mothers said that "it's not good to demand academic excellence from children" and that "parents should try to make learning enjoyable."
At the same time, almost none of the Chinese mothers supported such ideas. Instead, they said that their children should be "the best students" and that "success in school reflects the right upbringing." And if the child is not given education, this is the mistake of parents who "do not do their job."
According to other studies, Chinese parents spend about 10 times more time during the day on educational activities with their children than Western parents. At the same time, Western children are more involved in sports sections.
Chinese parents understand a simple truth: no activity is enjoyable if you have not learned to do it well. To achieve perfection in any business, you need to work, and children themselves never want to work - that's why you don't need to follow their lead. This requires perseverance from parents, because the child will resist; the beginning is always difficult, which is why western parents give up quickly. But if you do not give up, the wheel of the Chinese technique begins to spin. Persistent practice, practice, and more practice - this is what is important for excellence; the "repetition-mother-learn" rule is greatly underestimated in America.
As soon as a child succeeds in something - whether it be mathematics, music, construction or ballet - he receives recognition, admiration and pleasure in return. This is how confidence is built. And the activities that used to be unpleasant begin to bring joy. And this, in turn, stimulates even more hard work.
Chinese parents can easily handle things that baffle Western parents. Once in my youth, when I behaved disrespectfully towards my mother, my father called me "garbage" in our native dialect. It worked. I felt terrible, I felt ashamed of my misdeed. However, it didn't hurt my self-esteem at all. I knew exactly how much my father loved me. And I didn’t consider myself trash at all.
As an adult, I once did the same to my daughter Sophia, calling her "garbage" in English when she acted horribly towards me. When I mentioned this story at a party, I was immediately criticized. One of the women present, named Marcy, became so upset that she burst into tears and soon left our company. And my friend Susan, the mistress of the house, tried for a long time to rehabilitate me in the eyes of other guests.
It's a fact: Chinese parents can do things that are unbelievable - or even not very legal - for Western parents. A Chinese mother may well say to her daughter, "Hey you fat, come on, lose weight!" In the same situation, Western parents lisp, tiptoe around the problem and use abstract words like "health". However, their children end up in psychotherapists with various disorders and negative self-esteem. I once heard a western dad fakely suck up to his grown daughter, calling her "beautiful and incredibly smart." Later, she confessed to me that it was from these words that she felt like garbage.
Chinese parents can order their children to study for "A". Western parents can only ask that the child try to do "the best he can." The Chinese mother says, "You are lazy, all your classmates have passed you by." Meanwhile, the Western mother will struggle with her conflicting feelings about her child's poor achievements, trying to convince herself that she is not upset by her children's failures.
I have thought a lot about how Chinese parents manage to do this. It seems to me that this is due to three big differences in the minds of Chinese and Western parents.
First, I noticed that Western parents are very concerned about the self-esteem of their children. They worry about how the child will feel if they fail, and they constantly try to reassure their children of how good they are - despite mediocre test or audition results. In other words, Western parents are concerned about the psyche of the child. The Chinese are not. They mean strength in their children, not fragility. And as a result, they behave differently.
For example, if a child brings home an A-minus on a test, a Western parent is more likely to praise them. A Chinese mother in such a situation will be horrified and ask what happened.
If a child comes with a B, many Western parents will still praise him. Some will express disapproval, but will still try to make sure that the child does not feel discomfort; they won't call him "fool" or "freak". Between themselves, Western parents will worry that the child does not study very well, or he does not like this subject, or maybe the lesson schedule is unsuccessful, or in general the whole school is bad. If the child's grades do not improve, Western parents may go to complain to the headmaster about the wrong program or an unqualified teacher.
If a Chinese child comes home with a "four" - which should never happen - it will lead to an atomic explosion of screaming and hair-pulling. And then a terribly frustrated Chinese mother will take dozens or even hundreds of assignments in a given subject and will complete them with her child - until he gets an "A".
Chinese parents demand excellent grades because they believe that their children can get such grades. If it doesn't work, then the child hasn't worked hard enough. That is why, in response to bad grades, they will criticize, punish and shame the child. Chinese parents believe that their child is strong enough to withstand these assaults and improve through them. And when the child succeeds, parents will generously bestow on him at home the fruits of their parental pride.
Secondly, Chinese parents believe that their children are indebted to them ... in almost everything. The reason for this attitude is not very clear, but it may be a mixture of Confucian "filial piety" and the fact that parents sacrifice themselves to their children. Indeed, Chinese mothers spend long hours in the trenches of this war for their children's education, personally taking lessons and constantly monitoring their child. One way or another, there is a generally accepted truth that Chinese children should spend their lives doing justice to their parents - obeying them and making them proud of their achievements.
Western parents, it seems to me, do not consider their children "eternally obligated." And even my husband Jed has a different morality. “Children don’t choose their parents,” he once told me. “They don’t even choose when to be born. It’s the parents who give them life, which means parents are obliged to help their children. But children don’t owe anything to their parents. They will only owe their children.” . These words struck me as a terrible example of Western thinking.
Thirdly, Chinese parents believe that only they know what their children need in life - and therefore reject all their own desires and interests of children. That's why Chinese girls aren't allowed to have boyfriends in high school or go camping overnight. Do not misunderstand me. This attitude does not mean that Chinese parents do not give a damn about their children. Exactly the opposite! They will give their lives for their children. It's just a completely different parenting model.
Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But the worst thing you can do to a child's self-esteem is to let him give up. On the other hand, the best way to raise your self-esteem is to do something that you previously thought you couldn't.
There are many books now coming out where Asian mothers are portrayed as conservative, callous, blinkered people who ignore the interests of their children. For their part, many Chinese women secretly believe that they care about their children and are ready to sacrifice them much more than Western parents - who do not care if the child does not study well. I think there are kinks on both sides. All responsible parents want the best for their children. It's just that everyone understands this "best" differently. In the West, the personality of children is respected, their independence and their own interests are encouraged, and lessons are positively reinforced and a friendly educational environment is provided. Meanwhile, the Chinese believe that the best protection for children is to prepare for a harsh future, to realize their strengths and to equip them with such skills, habits and self-respect that no one can take away ... "
And some more video
All parents dream that their children grow up successful and wealthy people. However, not everyone knows how to raise a brilliant mathematician, businessman or gifted creative person. In this regard, the experience of Chinese parents is extremely interesting, the principles of education of which are fundamentally different from the approaches to the educational process of Europeans.
The Chinese Mom Phenomenon
To better understand the principles of raising children in China, let's turn to the book of Chinese-American Amy Chua. As a Harvard graduate and Yale professor, Amy became famous for raising her two daughters in the Chinese system, and then wrote a book about it that caused a huge response in the US and Europe, and became a real bestseller.
The peculiarity of the Chinese approach to raising children lies in absolute obedience to parents, and the motto that the Chinese instill in their children is: “Be the first, otherwise everything you do makes no sense!”. Definitely, isn't it?
Amy was raised by herself in a family of four children. Moreover, one of the girls suffered from Down syndrome. But this feature did not prevent the parents of our heroine from treating all daughters equally strictly. As a result, the three eldest daughters became successful highly educated individuals, and the fourth won the world championship in swimming among the disabled. According to Amy's parents, it was only necessary to feel the girl, find her talent and make efforts to develop it. And Amy's Chinese mother has successfully coped with this.
The success of the parents gave our heroine an understanding of how to raise their children. Amy is sure that parents simply have to take care of revealing their child's talents and preparing him for the fight for the championship. And following her principles, the Chinese mother set strict limits for her daughters.
Here are the main prohibitions that were set for Amy's daughters:
- go to school holidays;
- spend the night away from home;
- participate in school plays and whine about it;
- receive any marks, except for the highest;
- play computer games and watch TV;
- not be the best student in any subject (except drama and physical education);
- play musical instruments (except violin and piano);
- do not play the violin and piano.
Differences between Chinese and European approaches to parenting
The Chinese are sure that you can learn something only if you constantly study and train. And given that children only want to play and have a carefree time, parents simply have to decide what to do with their children.
Working on school homework with children and their hobbies requires great fortitude from parents, because the child will definitely resist. Nevertheless, the Chinese are sure that if you do not succeed, you will not get pleasure, which means that all the time spent on achieving the goal is wasted. That is why, even where European or American parents give up and give up, Chinese parents show resilience.
To achieve the goal, practice, practice and more practice is important! In the countries of Europe and America, mechanical repetition is mostly underestimated, but life shows that by forcing a child to study, sports or creativity, at some point he necessarily begins to make progress. Praise and admiration for his success cause the child to feel satisfied, and he begins to enthusiastically engage in activities that previously did not give him pleasure.
In Amy's case, her children, Sophia and Lulu, took up the piano and violin, respectively. And here the severity of the Chinese mother was fully manifested. It may seem too cruel to Western parents to force their child to practice music every day for 30 minutes a day. But for the Chinese, this is nonsense. Parents often force their kids to train for two, and even three hours!
Education deserves a separate discussion, which also reveals significant differences between Chinese and European parents. An experiment involving 50 American mothers and 50 Chinese mothers is indicative. Almost 70% of Western mothers agreed with the argument that "it is wrong to demand academic success from a child." According to them, "parents should strengthen their kids in the idea that learning should bring joy."
Do you know how many Chinese mothers agreed with this argument? – 0%! Parents of Chinese kids frankly stated that they are confident that their children can be the best students, and school performance is an indicator of the successful upbringing of a child. In this regard, if a child does not study for one five, this is a wake-up call, indicating that parents are not fulfilling their duties.
At the same time, studies show that Chinese parents spend 10 times more time doing homework with their children. At the same time, children from Western countries and the United States devote more time to sports and are more likely to be members of school sports teams.
The fruits of "tiger education"
Parents from Europe may find this approach to raising their own children creepy and inhumane, but the facts speak for themselves. Amy's eldest daughter, 18-year-old Sophia, became an outstanding pianist and performed at the famous Carnegie Hall. In addition, the daughter followed in the footsteps of her mother, enrolling at Harvard University at the Faculty of Law. The youngest daughter, Lily, is still in school, but she has the highest score in all subjects. Yes, and world statistics confirm that Chinese upbringing gives results. Five of the ten richest women in the world are of Chinese origin!
Why Chinese parents get away with everything
Many people wonder if children will hate their strict parents when they grow up. Life shows that children brought up in harsh conditions do not feel hatred towards their parents. Moreover, they blame their failures, first of all, on themselves, and not on their parents, remembering how much time and effort their fathers and mothers spent on their upbringing.
How to explain the fact that caring and reverent Western parents receive much less love from grown-up children than harsh Chinese fathers and mothers? Most likely, the matter is in significant differences between the way of thinking of Western and Chinese parents.
First, Western and US parents are more concerned about their child's self-esteem. They focus on how their child feels, and even if the child fails or brings a bad mark from school, they reassure the child by telling how good he is and convincing him that in the future he will succeed. That is, Western parents pay more attention to the psychological state of the child.
The Chinese behave differently. They value strength, and therefore do not give indulgence to their children and punish them for the slightest failure. For example, if a child brings an A with a minus from school, parents in the West will most likely praise their baby, but Chinese parents will look at the child with eyes full of sorrow and demand to explain where the minus came from!
Even with a B, Western kids are more likely to get parental approval. In extreme cases, they will delicately ask what was missing before obtaining the maximum mark. In any case, you will not hear from tolerant parents the words “shame”, “stupid” or “loafer”. But in a Chinese family, the received four will turn into a real scandal in the family. First, there will be screams and attempts to shame the child, then the mother will buy a dozen teaching aids and will work with the child until he knows the subject “by heart”. Chinese parents are so demanding of their children only because they know that their child is capable and strong enough to study the school curriculum thoroughly. And as soon as he corrects himself and succeeds, streams of parental praise will be used.
Secondly, Chinese parents believe that children owe them everything. It is difficult to explain where this came from, but in all Chinese families children treat their parents with special respect, sincerely believing that their parents sacrificed a lot so that they grow up as cultured and educated people.
But in the West, the opinion on this matter is radically opposite. In Europe and the United States, they are sure that it is the parents who owe their children. “In fact, children do not choose their parents. It does not even depend on them whether they will be born or not. Thus, the direct duty of parents is to provide for their offspring. And their children, having become adults and having offspring, will be obliged to their children. Approximately such an answer can be heard from fathers and mothers in the West. It is difficult to say whether this approach is correct or not, but the fact that adult and experienced parents do not appear in the most advantageous situation in front of their children is an indisputable fact.
Thirdly, parents from the Middle Kingdom believe that they know better what their children need, and therefore they force the kids to behave in accordance with their preferences, requirements and desires. That's why Chinese kids don't go camping overnight, don't play computer games for 6-8 hours a day, and don't have boyfriends at school.
Here you need to understand that these prohibitions are not a whim at all. Just the opposite. Chinese fathers and mothers will give the last for the sake of their children, but they will also ask them to the fullest extent. There is no desire to fulfill oneself at the expense of one's own child. It's just that this is a completely different model of raising children, which allows them to develop purposefulness and respect for their parents.
All fathers and mothers wish their children happiness and good. Chinese parents prepare their children for the future from an early age, showing what they are capable of, as well as equipping them with inner confidence and performance that will remain with them forever. And this is the best way to protect your children. Parents in the West try to respect the individuality of their child and support him in weakness or failure, they do not believe that only success can make the child happy. Who said that a huge success can replace a large number of friends and human communication.
And what do you think about this? Who do you want to raise - a winner or just a happy person? Do you have any secrets of upbringing and what methods do you think are more effective? Leave your opinion in the comments.
Love your children!
In Japan, a child from 0 to 5 years old is a king, from 5 to 15 years old a slave, and after 15 an equal.
A similar technique is increasingly being used in the CIS countries.
What do psychologists think? To what extent is this method of education acceptable for our society?
The fact is that the "Japanese method" is a myth that is somehow interpreted, for example, in Russia and Kazakhstan. We do not know reality, because have not been to Japan. I am familiar with the work of Masaru Ibuka "It's Too Late After 3" and at the end of the article I offer a video of a Japanese kindergarten.
What is a king, a slave and an equal - each person has his own idea, and this idea is different in different cultures.
In Japan, early development (up to 3 years) is very common, they try to provide the child with a maximum of sensory experience, love. The Japanese understand the potential of the brain during this period. Sometimes I think that maybe that's why the Japanese economic miracle exists.
Japan itself is a country of strict traditions, frameworks, rules. And even if a child is treated like a king, until the age of 5 he will never have the freedom of an African baby crawling on the ground, eating insects. Moms don’t wear Japanese little kings all day long in their arms, pressed to a naked body.
The Japanese method only vividly shows us that the potential for the formation of neural connections is great and there is an opportunity to develop it, giving a space free from danger for the baby to explore, so that neural connections are actively formed.
You can learn a lot from the Japanese, and choose what is close, I suggest watching the video and looking in it for what would suit you.
I believe that it is not a royal business to hammer in nails, but I allowed my son at the age of 5! And for the Japanese, apparently, this is precisely the royal business. As required to prove, we call the same thing by different names, but in fact we are so similar!
http://vk.com/event25121784#/video68967911_146318184
If methods and programs (whether economic, educational, psychological, etc.) are taken in one country and without an adapted translation:) implemented in our former republics of the USSR, countries, then nothing worthwhile will happen!
Well, the Japanese upbringing system is not molded to our mentality ...
If in Japan a child from 0 to 5 years old is a king, then in our conditions he will still be a “king”, who has not learned to work (clean up toys, for example), or communicate with equals (with children), etc. Because in Russia the tsar is one concept, different from other countries. He was either killed, then overthrown, then expelled, replacing it with collectivization and socialism. And in Japan, the king is the king! He behaves like a king, the whole country, all the people that is, and he, and the queen, and the country, and the authorities, and the economy - are respected!
"From 5 to 15 years - a slave" - sometimes this state, a slave, is so absorbed into the child (when he is taken care of too much, when he is given neither rights nor duties, wiping and feeding the child through force, forbidding to make decisions and show feelings), which then, after 15 - the person remains in this state: ((.
"... And after 15 - equal." To whom? He will never be equal to his parents. He will always be a child. Just in Japan, respect for children of parents (and ancestors) is still being cultivated. Respect for the family, for history, for the past. In Russia, the rewriting of history, the demolition of monuments, disrespect for what was ... Even in the subway, they don’t give way to grannies anymore. Parents did not bring up, probably stopping in their experiments on the "Japanese" method at the stage of "king"!
And to look into kindergartens ... Equal - for sure! On command, potty everyone! Ah, Petya, are you the smartest, do it like everyone else!" Individuality even by parents - chokes! Do you want to dance? No, go to tennis, I myself (myself) dreamed about it so much! Sing well, baby? said!
No. Doesn't work :(((.
"Where I was born, there I fit in." After adapting to our mentality, you can (probably!) Implement it, although ... does anyone need it?
Although in a single family - very good! And they are not few.
I didn’t even know that I live in Japan, it’s a joke. Let’s go in order, so the baby was born, everyone loves, admires, obeys (especially up to a year and especially mothers). Closer to five years, the child is taught to work, “loaded” on him duties and assignments, they admire his independence and more and more what the child can do himself. for their actions, and moreover, no one in such relations obeys anyone, everything is built on mutual respect and desire to agree (the desire must be mutual).
And here I really want to draw the attention of the audience to a very interesting document: "BILL OF PERSONAL RIGHTS"
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT:
1. ... put yourself first sometimes
2. ... ask for help and emotional support
3. ... protest against unfair treatment or criticism
4. ...have your own opinions or beliefs
5. ...make mistakes until you find the right path
6. ... give people the right to solve their own problems
7. ... say: "Thank you, NO", "Sorry, NO"
8. ... ignore the advice of others and follow your own
9. ... to be alone, even if others want your company
10. ... to have your own, whatever, feelings, regardless of whether others understand them
11. ... change your mind or change your course of action
12. ... seek a change in an arrangement that you don't like
YOU NEVER HAVE TO:
1. be 100% perfect
2. follow everyone
3. do something nice for people you don't like
4. love people who harm you
5. Apologize for being yourself
6. go out of your way for others
7. feel guilty for your desires
8. put up with an unpleasant situation for you
9. sacrificing your inner world for anyone
10. Maintain a relationship that has become abusive
11. do more than your time allows
12. do something you really can't do
13. comply with unreasonable demands
14. Giving away something you really don't want to give away
15. bear the brunt of someone's misbehavior
16. give up your "I" for the sake of something or someone
If you know your rights and responsibilities, and your child yours. You are a wonderful parent who has raised a personality.
We live in an amazing and incomprehensible world. For a person, there are a lot of common names that reflect his inner essence: slave, fool, robber, cattle, dog, beast; at the same time: genius, creator, creator, reasonable, clever!
If in living nature we take two seeds: wheat and watermelon and plant them in the ground - an environment favorable for germination, then after some time, without training and without any instructions, the grain of wheat will grow from itself a fruit - an ear with grains, and a watermelon seed - watermelon with the same seeds as the parent seed. Obviously, the seeds contain the mind-knowledge of how to bear fruit with similar fruits.
Today, in our country, an increasing number of parents are trying to implement this technique in their families. forgetting that society, or rather society, the environment, is of great importance in education. And if in Japan the principle of averageness and generality reigns (on which the Japanese method of raising children is based), then we still pay great attention to the development of individual character traits, abilities and the desire to win.
Therefore, extracting positive features from Japanese methods of dealing with children: a sense of responsibility, love for the family, duty, respect for elders, one should not forget that a complete copying of educational measures may be inconvenient for the child in the future.
Any method of education is born of a certain mentality and is suitable for it. You can raise a child in any way, but if this is done by a single mother, of which there are a huge number in Russia, the child will never have such confidence in himself and his abilities, as, for example, a child who grew up in a functional family. A functional family in this case is understood not just as a complete family, with a father and mother, but the relationship between parents should also be taken into account. If these relationships are harmonious and favorable, the child's life will be the same, if quarrels and outbursts of aggression dominate in the relationship - this will be perceived by the child as a subconscious behavioral model. As for the Japanese method, which indicates such contradictory stages of periodization of mental development, when the child is either a king or a slave, this model seems to me to be complete nonsense, given that the formation of the mental structure of a personality occurs in the first 6 - 7 years of life.
And it seems to me that any method or system is doomed. We always want to find the best, ideal...but we forget that the world is not perfect!!! And every method has its pros and cons. In my opinion, all systems and methods that are created, they should be slaves (tools) of the parents, and not the parents of the slaves of the method !!! All the same, the hearts of loving parents are the best guide on the way to introduce a child to the adult world! A combination of different methods and an individual approach to your baby is not an option! After all, health is good adaptability, stability and freedom to choose from the entire list, the best thing that your baby needs at this particular moment, and that will not sharply contradict the environment in which he lives!
But, if you, nevertheless, decided to give preference to any one method, it is worth considering whether I, as a parent, can be a worthy role model for my child!?! Since we remember that if we, parents, ourselves do not profess in our lives such behavior that we are going to instill in our baby - rebellion and! neurosis! your child is provided!!!
The Chinese parenting style is known to be strict. But, despite this, a really close and respectful relationship develops between parents and children.
In China, parents are very demanding of their children and have a great influence on them. Children are not allowed to argue, they must heed the advice they are given. Moms and dads have high hopes for the guys, because they believe that they can do a lot. Family values, worthy upbringing and quality are traditionally in the first place here.
Little emperors
In China, it is illegal to have more than one child in a family. There are exceptions: if the husband and wife are the only children of their parents, then they may be allowed to have two babies. But still, it is very rare to see families with two children here. Since there is only one baby in every family, all the relatives love him madly, call him the “little emperor”, spend a lot of time with him.
Grandparents help raise a child who feels like a part of a large family and learns to treat her with respect and bear responsibility to her.
Severity for good
But as soon as the baby grows up and becomes a schoolboy, the parental approach becomes somewhat stricter. In China, the upbringing of the younger generation is based on discipline. Moms and dads themselves are very organized. Being disciplined parents means teaching, caring, supporting, controlling and loving children.
Here in families, criticism of children is not something offensive, but is considered one of the tools to help stimulate the child to development. Chinese mothers are most concerned about their children growing up successful and stable, and for this you need to study a lot and be diligent.
Success is in our hands
In Chinese families, it is not customary to praise children so as not to arouse arrogance and laziness in them. Parents consider it their duty to prepare their children for the future, to reveal all their strengths, to develop in them the habit of working and being persistent and self-confident. Here, success is explained not by talent or luck, but by hard work.
The parenting style in China could be called authoritarian, but there is no coldness and detachment between parents and children. And the strictness in education is explained by concern for the prosperity of the younger generation.