I torment her no I can not let go. A simple way to let a person out of his thoughts. Psychologist's advice. Why is it needed at all
Hello.
I am writing from an anonymous account, I hope for your understanding.
My problem is that for many years I cannot forget one man.
Our history of relationship began at the university. We are from very different worlds: he leads a rather cheeky lifestyle, does not really work, "an eternal student." I do not pretend to any bohemian lifestyle, I work like everyone else, I live within my means. However, despite such a different background, we have a lot in common, similar tastes, similar political positions, similar expectations for the future.
We easily and quickly got together, communicated closely for a couple of years, then both changed universities and lost sight of each other a little. However, we still have an unspoken tradition of meeting 1-2 times a year and discussing everything. last news and changes in our lives and the lives of mutual acquaintances. Usually, the initiative to meet came from him, he called or wrote and arranged a meeting when it was convenient for him, and he turned out to be close to the area where I live. I always tried to be unobtrusive, but regularly reminded of myself, congratulating him on his birthday. After an unsuccessful attempt to build a relationship at the beginning of our acquaintance, I did not experience false hopes, moved on, had several serious relationships with other men. As, in fact, he had several important women in his life. But I always had a small hope that someday we will be able to be together with him.
This went on for about 5 years, until we saw each other again, after I once again wrote him a birthday greeting on the social network. We spent a wonderful weekend together, frankly shared everything, everything that happened in our lives during the time we did not see each other. By Sunday evening, it became clear to me that I was still in love with him, and he was still interested in me. I brought him to talk about our relationship with him, and it turned out that he also thought about it, and believes that we can really succeed. He asked for a week to think it over, and promised to see each other again at the weekend and dot the i's.
We met again the following weekend, and he unequivocally answered yes. Our plans were immediately overgrown with many details about living together, earning money, etc. By that time, I had a permanent job, and he had a part-time job, as he was trying to unlearn once again at the university at the suggestion of his parents. Nevertheless, we had all the conditions for being together. His parents reacted extremely positively to the news that we want to live together and were ready to help with this, since they liked me more than all his other passions. And although he continued to remain the same "gouging" in some respects, he was not as hopeless as at the beginning of our acquaintance, and therefore I gave our relationship a chance.
However, we ended up with nothing. In short, he was afraid, at first he stopped communicating, then through third parties (mutual acquaintances) I found out that he considered our relationship too big a responsibility, and that he himself was not ready for this. His entire escape was served with "I'm not good enough for you" sauce. I had a hard time with this breakup. I left work, for months I couldn't bring myself to do anything more than just eat and go to the bathroom all day. After some time, the pain subsided, I again went out into the world, met another man, whom I later married. I'm fine now, but every time I think of that person, I feel uneasy. No, I don’t wish him harm at all, on the contrary, I would really like everything to turn out well for him in the end. However, it is still hard for me to think about how much it hurt me from his act, and how he frivolously reacted to the whole situation, because of which I, one might say, experienced a real depression. I am very glad that after that breakup we never had a chance to see each other, because I probably would not have been able to withstand such an emotional experience.
Please tell me how to get rid of these residual sensations? How to forgive and forget a person? How to save face in a chance meeting? Is it worth it to bring him to talk about his bad deed, or vice versa, should you behave as if nothing had happened?
Question to the psychologist:
Hello! I broke up with my boyfriend 2 months ago (not married, did not live together, no children), but we still communicate. Our relationship now is like a "relationship without commitment."
Before that, I didn't have serious relationship and he became "my man." For me, he was like a prince from fairy tales. Only he has flaws and I accepted them ...
We started dating 3 years ago. We were not in love with each other, but we had feelings true love. He wanted me to move in with him, but I did not want to live with our mothers, and he did not insist. We had a great relationship. I accepted him for who he is, and he gave me love and support. When we met, he changed his profession and succeeded (this is due to parting). The first disturbing calls I had were when I persuaded him to go to the sea with me, he did not want to postpone work. But in the end, he agreed and always thanked me, but I was already exhausted by the persuasion and, as a result, I myself did not enjoy the rest with him. He did not want to buy an apartment with me, but he wanted to live together. He probably didn't want to be formally associated with me...I don't know.
In early May, I asked him: - You cheated on me?
and for the first time received an affirmative answer. I had conditions: not to cheat with my friends, not to cheat with my friends and that I did not know about it and his / my friends (for me this is more important than physical betrayal). But he broke those rules. It turned out that he hid me from his friends and acquaintances, that he did not want to get married and have children (and I already started to want to), he cheated on me for 1.5 years (he went on dates, but did not sleep with them) and his friends / my acquaintances knew this and I received glances of sympathy, although I could not understand what it was connected with ...
We broke up and at that moment he was diagnosed with cancer. I had a week of tantrums and he didn't feel anything for me. I was in unbearable pain and the feeling that something broke inside me (it still exists, I feel broken). A week later, I wrote to him that I forgive him and let him go. I started hanging out with friends, going on dates and really enjoying life without him and stepping back from the situation. He was scheduled for a biopsy and he was very worried about it. He started calling me and wanted to get my support. He thought he would die. I supported him and attended the biopsy.
I am very worried about him.
As a result, we began to see each other, and I stopped going on dates. We communicate a lot with him and quarrel every time. He says he won't hurt me anymore, but he does it every day.
The most annoying thing is that he promises a lot and does not deliver.
These are not impossible things, but it is still difficult for him to fulfill the promise. He says he loves me and sees me as his wife. When I asked him to have a baby, he flatly refused. She says she doesn't want kids now. He upsets me every day and he himself feels bad about it. I can't understand... what does he want from me? yes, I don’t love him, but he is dear to me, very much and I don’t see him as my partner, but at the same time I dream of wanting this. We cannot communicate. We fit together, but I'm confused...
How can I convince myself to stop talking to him and really stop?
I even have a list of "150 reasons" why I don't need him, but I still want to be with him and I can't be with him. I return to it every time. Don't I have pride?
I'm confused and have a mess in my head. I do not distinguish between desires and addictions. What should I do in such a situation? His illness aggravates the situation and I want to help him, but I don’t know with what and how.
The psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.
Hello Karina!
I read your chaotic letter, I want to tell you that you are right, in your case it is an addiction to a person that torments you.
Dependence can arise for various reasons, for example: the absence of one of the parents, the lack of attention of father and mother in childhood, the desire to assert oneself at the expense of someone, fear of loneliness, dependence on someone else's opinion, etc. Addiction has no foundation of love, a person leans on his partner like a lame man on a stick, put away the stick, the person will fall. Therefore, in the event of separation, a person experiences a loss of the meaning of life, or the inability to continue living without his partner.
What happened in your case?
You write that there was no love in your relationship, but love immediately came. Karina, this does not happen, this is a delusion. The real feeling of love comes only through falling in love. Being in love is the germ of future love, if it develops, then after a while love will come. The period of falling in love is a candy-bouquet period, when people are in some kind of euphoria from each other, they try to show themselves from the best side, this is a romantic time for walking, communicating and determining common interests and goals. It is during this period that a person decides to continue the relationship or not. That is, falling in love develops into a deeper feeling, which implies responsibility for each other, dedication to your future spouse, the ability to accept a person as he is. That is, the couple understands that they are comfortable together, they are not annoyed and do not strain each other's shortcomings, they are ready to cover them with love and build a future together.
Your relationship with a guy can be called immature, because neither you nor he had a common future, that is, your interests diverged in many ways. There may have been comfort in something, but you weren't ready to build strong family. Maturity is based on love and responsibility. You can not build a relationship with a person irresponsibly, not knowing what they will lead to. Often people expect their partner to satisfy their needs, while forgetting about the needs of the "beloved" person, which is main reason conflicts and divorces. Being together is not easy, you need to learn to forgive, give in, share, take care of each other. Love, in this case, is the main motivator, it inspires people to serve each other and be happy from it.
To understand whether you should continue a relationship with a guy, answer yourself a series of questions:
What do I expect from my relationship with my boyfriend?
What future can I build with him?
Can he be my faithful husband?
Can he give me healthy children?
Do I feel secure next to this person?
Am I ready to take care of him if he gets sick in the future?
What financial support can your boyfriend give to your future family?
Are you able to live with your family on your own?
Do I want to make him happy?
Karina, answer these questions honestly to yourself or discuss them with your boyfriend, and only in this case make a decision regarding your future.
Addiction can be overcome by willpower, but it's up to you what you want. The situation is not easy, the person is sick with a serious illness, and he needs your attention and support. If you are able to give it and at the same time abstract from personal relationships, then act. If you can't, then it's best to talk honestly with the person so you don't give them hope for no reason.
I think that it is impossible to build relationships without love, you will not be happy from this.
I wish you wisdom in making vital decisions.
4.8125 Rating 4.81 (8 Votes)
red fox
Red Fox, 19 years old
I can’t decide, I live in doubts, I question everyone, I can’t let go of my past life, because there is a thread that holds me, and the old one because nothing interests me ...
I don’t want to pack up and start all over from scratch, I’m so upset by everything that is happening that I don’t see the point in everything, please help me set myself on the right wave...
How to learn to forgive and live again?
Olesya Verevkina
Red Fox, tell us a little more about your problem.
And the psychologist will comment on the topic after a while.
Hello Red Fox! Events and actions of other people often unsettle us. This is especially acute at a young age, when there is no life experience yet, a person first encounters difficulties in relationships and is not yet able to assess and foresee the consequences of events and actions. He tends to be dramatic.
Let's try to understand the situation together and find a way out of it. Only for this you need to know the details of what happened to you.
red fox
Hello Red Fox! The events and actions of other people often knock us out or on the couch. This is especially acute at a young age, when there is no life experience yet, a person first encounters difficulties in relationships and is not yet able to assess and foresee the consequences of events and actions. He tends to be dramatic.
Let's try to understand the situation together and find a way out of it. Only for this you need to know the details of what happened to you.
Then be patient, the story of 19 years of life, I will miss only the little things.
So to speak. I won’t be able to explain everything objectively, but I’ll tell you how I see it all ...
Grew up without a father, left the family when I was three and a half years old
The mother who raised me.
The great-grandmother who realized all her not gifted love on me went to children. Garden. For me, this is the happiest period in my life ... Next to my grandmother.
From the very beginning, I felt the hand of an adult man on me who beat me, beat me on trifles, that's all I remember ...
My mother tried to find her happiness, so she didn’t really resist the fact that they would bring me up that way, well, it seems to me that she didn’t resist at all ...
We lived in a one-room apartment, she and her man slept on the sofa, and I on two chairs ...
My great-grandmother always suggested that I live with her in the village, but she did not agree ... I don’t even know with what motives, but I clearly remembered these about four and a half about five years in my life ...
Later, I remember how Mother worked as a cook in small eateries, rented an apartment, lived not very poorly, everything was enough, but she could leave me alone for the night, I remember one of those moments, it was raining, there was a thunderstorm, and she went to a corporate party. .. I fell asleep alone in tears and fear ...
At that age, I learned how to cook soup, because with a hangover she could not cook anything. And I also wanted to learn how to smoke ... Actually, smoking parents have children, respectively ...
I was punished for this, forcing me to smoke the whole pack ... There were also unfair punishments on her part, and they punished me severely, venting my anger ... Lightning rod? My character as a child was not angelic, I always loved only myself, at this age I realized that I did not love my mother ... Well, I compared this with the stories of my peers. And my relationship with her.
Later, at 7, I went to my grandmother, mother’s mother, to Russia, went to first grade there, the family is big, I felt loved, desired there ... But at school I always behaved defiantly, beat older boys, I asserted myself, and took revenge on the entire male race for her grievances ... But in the family I was "warmed up" over time, I became more feminine ...
After graduating from the first grade, my stepfather took me away from my grandmother, hoohho, if I only knew ... From the very beginning of the relationship between my mother and this person, I was against it, but he came to me, and I was glad, and this was the first person whom I called dad, I even fell in love with him. A family...? According to her mother, she did not want to get married, but Great-grandmother insisted on the wedding, arguing that I needed a father. They lived in marriage for two and a half years ... It turned out that they were the gates to hell ... Mother worked in female colony overseer, and I learned to count in examples with convicts, and on cigarettes. I can’t say that I felt bad then. At the age of 8 I chose godparents, I loved them, very much, but she didn’t exist ... Over time, she found herself a lover at work, Nikolai ... Heh, also not a very positive character in my life ... With this (N) she began to meet, go to him, Stepfather understood this and scandals, quarrels, and assault began ... They fought in front of me, I even tried to dismantle them, there were public fights, there were many spectators, they were neighbors, but when he began to choke her, no one even did not intervene, except for me, I had to hit him with a large bucket on the head so that he would let it go, and then he rushed at me. It seems that I ran away ... I don’t remember. She continued to cheat on him ... Great-grandmother did not know anything, I did not complain to her. They manipulated me, each of them asked me to tell what each of them was doing. And so it turned out, I told him what Mother was doing and what her stepfather was doing to her ... With the words (he) (she) destroys the family ...
Later, she will tell me that I betrayed her ... Because I was not on her side ...
When she left for (N), my stepfather took me for a walk, for example, at night on the railroad tracks, or walking near the river, saying that he and my paternal grandmother were lovers, they would marry and adopt me. There were many things.
I also clearly remember that he bought a blank of iron for a hunting knife and converted it into a cold weapon, telling what he wants to do with her lover, I have always been an intermediary in the family ... She HEARED me only when she needed it, so I at the age of nine, I didn’t hear that he was trying to liberate me, they just didn’t believe me ... After another fight, she packed up and we moved to the next street, the house was big, but it was in a deplorable, even critical condition, alcoholics lived there , two men and a woman. I remember that at first I refused to eat in this house, spent the night there, went to school, and immediately went for a walk. According to my guess, one of them was her "lover" by type, as long as they have a relationship, then we live there.
Then we moved to a rented apartment, the owner of the apartment rented out two rooms to us... It became easier, They started getting divorced, everything started from scratch... Over time, they began to infringe on me at school, to which I began to react aggressively, mass harassment by the class began, no one stood up for me.
It's the end of 3rd, beginning of 4th grade,...
A little bit about paternal grandparents...
Grandmother sometimes came, we talked, why did I put up with her? Because - because I hoped that someday I would meet my father, she still keeps in touch with him ...
Grandfather, to tell the truth, I had the warmest feelings for him until the age of 15 and a half ... But I rarely saw each other, and each meeting lasted no more than 15 minutes, he always gave me a good amount of money and left with the pretext that he had a lot of work. ..
Mother left for the Capital to work at a construction site, leaving me alone in the apartment with the owner, but since he is lazy, not working, lying on the couch, who has income from tenants and mating his thoroughbred dogs, there was no supervision and care for me, I ate washing I changed dirty clothes for clean ones only when I felt it was necessary ...
So I was based on violence, indifference, anger, loneliness, and self-education.
School was hell for me, I didn’t want to study, and it became difficult, they joked with me, and I sat at the last desk, and often no one looked at me, and that suited me ... As long as no one touched ... Classroom teacher I didn’t really like me either, remembering all this now, it seems to me that I crossed the road for her in those years ... It’s funny ... But so. She wanted to rent the same room as us, but the owner preferred a woman with a child and big bags... Perhaps, or maybe it's just my speculation, but she was a provocateur... Even then no one stood up for me... I endured alone, I didn’t have friends of the same age, I didn’t perceive them, but I tried to make friends with the class, but the girls pretended to be friends, and then quietly sowed the whole class with my innocence? ! After a while, the mother began sexual relations with the owner of the apartment, thereby explaining to me that now she will not have to pay for the apartment, and we will live as a family, but that would be little history, but not when I am forcibly sent to the village, and upon my arrival I find the owner of the apartment naked (drunk) and my mother in an identical state. It hurt me to look at it ... After a while they had a fight, cool hands. She offered her mother a super option, school. - boarding school, I remember that she had a fight with the owner of the apartment,. And later, as it turned out, she began to live with that Man (N), according to her, she loved him very much. In the middle of the 4th grade, I was transferred to a boarding school, and then I had a shock, later I thanked God for this gift, right here, I ran away from all problems, it was a boarding school. After graduating from it, I should have had a certificate that I graduated from high school - lyceum.
I was fine, at first, I came only on weekends, they both worked, you understand the service
She worked day and night and day off, he just...
6th grade, (N) took me from school for the weekend, he was drunk, but since he had problems with speech, no one understood this, when he arrived there he began to cook, drinking vodka at the same time, having finished drinking, he began to look for his haunts with a hidden a dose of alcohol, not finding it, he began to rage, after a while he smashed my phone against the wall, broke the glass in the sideboard a few centimeters from my face, I was so horrified that I couldn’t run away, and when I tried, he started screaming with a brutal look, from which my self-preservation instinct turned on, when he was in the kitchen I wanted to jump out of the 5th floor, I expected to jump onto a large nut that grew (perhaps) a meter from the balcony ... The idea failed, he let me go to look for my mother, and she lingered at work with employees, I already saw on the landing, I pulled her out of the entrance with wild screams, I pulled her out into the street ... Then there were breakups, the police ...
Left on the street. She asked to call the owner of the apartment from whom we moved out, because he "fell in love" with me, he was glad to see me, and I called him because it was inconvenient for her to ask about it, having found an argument why we need to spend the night with him, we arrived, they started drinking, slept together... So we stayed with him... I chose a room for myself, moved things, with time and wars... He was already about 39 years old, he had no family or children, only a niece and mother (with their cockroaches, characteristic woman)
One year later. Perhaps more she became pregnant from him ... She wanted to have an abortion, I would not forgive, I have been lonely all my life, and here is the baby, I was waiting for her the most, I wanted to become an example for her of my whole life, such as I didn’t have ...
During pregnancy, she began to drink wine, with the excuse that during pregnancy she really wanted to, a sister was born, I saw in her, I see myself ... My grandmother moved in with us, sold her house in the village, gave all the money to her mother, and died in half a year ... All the love in my life died with her.
The owner of the apartment Andrey (A) began to go to work, and she began to drink. Sometimes, when (A) I left for work, they swore, she went to her friend for a week, leaving me alone, without money, saying if you need to go sell pears at the station ... At 11 years old, I started smoking. At first she dabbled.
There were times that my sister was left alone for a week, this was not once ... I was her mother, perhaps better, she called me mom, I think then, at the age of 12-13, the maternal instinct woke up in me ... But as soon as my mother appeared next to how I became rude, angry, and aggressive towards my sister ... I still don’t understand what caused it.
She kept drinking, found a friend in a glass and started drinking for a couple, my words were just the buzzing of a mosquito, we started swearing harder, she justified herself by saying that her children were fed, the house was cleaned, and everything was in order ...
9th grade, end school year, I didn't get in at 10. I got kicked out of school. The boarding school, for my behavior, I spoke wittily with the teachers, especially with the CLASS TEACHER, but this has its own ground ... I was angry. And having authority in the class, she began to incite them, trying to oppose herself to her. To a new school
She drank away all summer, I ran away from home, and sometimes she started to kick me out herself ... There were suicide attempts, many times, but each time it ended ridiculously, I didn’t succeed, even when I emptied the entire first-aid kit after drinking about 40 pills, I woke up in the morning as if nothing had happened, I considered myself the bottom of society, because even this doesn’t work out for me ... She always shouted in a drunken delirium go to work, you haven’t earned anything yet and you ask for money, and I went to work, earned, gave it to her, she fell silent, but not for long ... Everything started anew, because in a drunken delirium you can’t remember much. For several weeks I lived with a friend, the only one of its kind to this day, my paternal grandmother tried to shelter, but when she realized the degree of responsibility, she sent me back to her mother, she returned from hopelessness ... But when I arrived (A) everyone pretended that there is peace and tranquility in the house ...
One morning she woke me up and said very interesting fact, at first I was in a relationship with your grandfather ... But then I fell in love with your dad. Action. No comment.
I got another adult friend, a neighbor, she has 2 children, a husband, a full-fledged family) I started coming to them, they had a computer, I often stayed with them until the morning, although their house is very small, but it was cozy there , like a family, it was love, Mother began to be jealous, indignant, but I ignored it, I referred to the fact that the neighbor asked to sit with her daughter, so I ran away from the house to the neighbor ... When I could not convince her that enough to drink I provoked her into a quarrel, she began to rush at me with her fists, trying to beat me, such moments always ended like this: "I defeated my drunken mother) there was a moment when I tried to leave home, she started screaming in the middle of the street, and I had to return to In the yard, she wanted to slap me, thereby pissing me off more than usual, I grabbed her hair and broke the glass in the bathhouse with her head, (my head was intact) I didn’t control myself then ...
Once, (A) and she, noted something with the neighbors, laughed away from them, were happy, and I stayed to eat the cake, very soon he came running after me, because she started to download rights, her motives were such that she wanted to marry him to herself so that there would be a guarantee that her mother (A) would not kick her out of the house, in case of any embarrassment with (A).
She was very drunk, she began to collect her sister’s things, her own, and was about to leave, the baby was crying, she was screaming, (A) she didn’t know what to do, and then I, with my settlement of the conflict, taking my sister, rudely expressed myself, pushed me away and left with the small one, when I returned to the vestibule, she began to provoke him to beat, then it was according to the standard scenario ... He beat her, she gave free rein to her hands ... I missed that, right? She left, at night, to pour her insignificance ... The next time when he left to work, I was no longer at home ... From the first of September to the first semester, I went in the same pants, in autumn shoes, without a hat .. Another conflict, evening, late, cold. Autumn. We had a fight, I went to my friends for a walk, a lady got through the window ... I returned at 3-4 am. In the morning with the usual cry "get up, fuck" or cold water, I woke up to school, they always gave me money exactly as much as was enough to travel there and back, I never ate at school, I often walked like a lady on foot saving them, she stole money, she all the same, in the morning she won’t remember how many there were ... Basically she took it for cigarettes.
Neighbor ... She became my invisible shield, supporting me, advising, consoling. I raised her higher, because she told me something good, gave me things that I didn’t have, paid attention ...
So. In the middle of the week, I got sick, and I was sick for two weeks with a break a week, so I rarely attended school, and I didn’t feel comfortable there, my classmates were different, it was not my level, what was moral, what was material, even externally. signs. My appearance wished for the best.
Coming from school, and after school, I always went to my neighbor Tatyana (T), and this time it was the same.
Taking the temperature, I fell asleep on her sofa, (T) called this woman (mother) (I don’t want to call her otherwise, I didn’t deserve it)
(T) suggested that she leave me with her so that I wouldn’t infect my sister, and she agreed, I was not against it, but also for it, to tell the truth, I’m like a hare in a flood, seeing a better option, I rushed there ... Then a grandmother appeared on my father's side, saying that you don’t have to live next door, live with me. But on the condition that your grandfather on my father’s side will finance you ... Offering to go to work and then go study higher after school (- earn money for your studies yourself, and then study) I refused ...
I was treated for about a month, my body did not take antibiotics, and did not fight, it was hard ... In the spring, everything became better
When she drank, she drank, she called me with accusations, showing how insignificant I was, they say my place is where she is ... And each of her calls resembled an ever larger bucket of slop ... Which filled up, I didn’t climb into my pocket for an answer, I retorted, answering her with dignity, and it amused me, I knew that some words would bring her pain, and I tried to do it ...
I took revenge ... I did not feel sorry for her, as she did for me ... She loved me with a special love. Mutually.
Go home, where my sister stayed, I left everything, took only books and notebooks ... One fine spring, she tried to get drunk in kindergarten, there were weekends, a friend works there, told how she tried to get away from (A). I took a small bottle of vodka and wanted to take it down my throat in front of a friend and my sister ...
Having learned this ... I went there (on the same street) trying to pick up my sister, grabbing her and screaming like she was cut, she dragged her to her, she was with me (T), I lost all attempts to forgive her when she said * (- You traded US for a tracksuit and jeans) sorry on the word ... I'm fucked up ...
(A) for a long time did not understand why I do not live at home.
I come to my sister... But I don't stay... Having told him. He heard. But then he accepted her position.
I graduated at 10, started at 11, I will be 18 soon, (I went to school at 7, and I turned 8) we decided to deprive her parental rights... She sat opposite me ... At arm's length, and wrote a refusal ... I smiled looking into her eyes, and inside there was a cry of a tiger that emits a death roar ... In one hand, I held her refusal, in the second father that I kept for more than 8 years ... I just wanted to disappear. All. Nothing, remembering the words she told me. And to do this ... Yes, no mother, under any pretext, will do this, but she agreed, deciding that I would have benefits (the court did not approve ...
Paternal grandfather... This was the last thread... Grandmother said that I would no longer go to him with my new family... Arguing that he does not want this.
Deciding to clarify everything, I called him ... Having asked this question, he said that it was not his problem, sort it out yourself, and hung up ... Since then, I have not communicated with him ...
I think Granny, Uncle (father's brother) and his wife giggled maliciously ...
(T) consoled me, if you count ... Am I left alone? Yes, yes, grandfather, grandmother, mother, father, sister's father, (he loved me so much ...) grandfather maternal line he just lowered his eyes to the bottom and did not answer my question, although he hasn’t called for about 2 years, but at the age of 70, he learned to write SMS to me ... At least something)
Then my family and I, (T) began to work on me, from priorities to goals and beliefs, her work, because having certain skills as a psychologist, he easily found the levers of control over me ... She gave me everything ... She showed me the world, in one country, I learned how to behave in society...
They lived, they lived, they didn’t grieve ... But old wounds surfaced ... (T) 4 years ago, my husband changed, she tried to forgive him for a long time, drowned out her pain with other men, while I was with the children, at that time I had not yet lived with her , a lot of time has passed, and events, I entered a technical school in the capital, having left my city, I got a boyfriend, I changed, but her feelings for her husband are gone, they live in a place only for the sake of the children, and then only when he arrives out of a 3-month trip from work to me, after infidelity, she found him a job in another country. And trying to make amends, he does whatever she says...
At the border, she met a guy 10 years younger than her, he found her on social networks and this is how their romance began ... At the same time, I was between three fronts of fire, her boyfriend, she and ex-husband, which showed that not all men are like that ... It was unpleasant for me that she uses me, ! As insurance to the father of her children. Events developed quickly, (T) and her boyfriend fell in love with each other, but the feelings for her husband, although the former remained, and after another visit from him, she got drunk on tranquilizers, and was already in a deep coma when we found her,. Then. At that moment, I didn’t want to fight for her life, I just lay down next to her and hugged her goodbye ...
I didn’t feel the feeling of losing a loved one ... I didn’t care deeply, I just said goodbye ... It was her choice to leave me, two small children without a mother ... And she accepted me into her family because at the age of 19 she gave birth a girl, we are separated from her at the age of 2-3 years, it seems to me that this is not a realized early parenthood that has collapsed ...
I’m very tired, honestly, not even because I have such a situation in my family, but because I’m exhausted, I stopped reaching out for something, I just left for another city, I’m sitting in a hostel, and I don’t go out anywhere, I don’t want to with which of them to communicate, I don’t want anything, they always decide something for me, I’m used to it. Because asking what I want, she does what she thinks is right, why ask? With her suggestion, I get the profession that I have never seen in nightmares, I don’t want to work in the service sector, it’s not for me to please a person and fulfill his major whim, I wanted to be a doctor, a practicing psychologist was a part of my dreams. Now they demand something from me, trying to manipulate me, once she told me that she wants to profitably arrange her old age at the expense of me.
And the main question is, what kind of life is this?
I tried to let it all go, a bad mother who tortures me and my sister with distance, not allowing us to communicate, the baby climbs the fence and waits for me to at least touch my hand through the fence, not letting her out to the children when I'm at home, and my sister every time she cries when she sees me... The kid who is set against me runs away from them to me...
I don’t want anything, I don’t want to achieve anything, I don’t know how to react now to (T), at the age of 19 I wanted to call her mom, but after her act I don’t even feel respect ... I got confused, I kind of forgave them , let go of the past, but do not want to live differently than? I am 19, and I do everything so that they don’t ask for a second time ... I want to get away from (T) but I can’t, but is it necessary? A purely attitude as a family terrorist, and a source of money ... What is wrong with me? Sometimes the thought comes to me why she could do this, but I can’t, so far she has nothing to do with anything, only her sister ... And what is she? It's not emotional...
Red Fox, your biography is not easy, full of various events and meetings with different people, frequent change of environment. It sounds like you've been through a lot.
Describing in detail your life, bad and good moments, you write that "So violence, indifference, anger, loneliness, and self-education lay down in my base."
Meanwhile, yours was based on "The great-grandmother, who realized all her untold love on me, went to the children's garden. For me, this is the happiest period in my life ..." in early childhood, and "The family is big, I'm there I felt loved, desired... primary school and “my stepfather came to me, and I was glad, and it was the first person whom I called dad, I even fell in love with him” and “At the age of 8 I chose my godparents, I loved them very much,” etc. So the basis yours is by no means so gloomy, it also has love and care for you from not only relatives, but also strangers to you.
Your mother is a complex person with a difficult fate. She was looking for love, but apparently she could not warm her heart. Other relatives and friends also experienced many disappointments and confusing situations, made mistakes, tried to correct them, but not always successfully. In the life of every person there are enough events that he recalls with resentment, bitterness and disappointment. Even if outwardly life is smooth, there are still problems and conflicts inside.
“I’m very tired, honestly, not even because I have such a situation in my family, but because I’m exhausted, I stopped reaching out for something, I just went to another city, I’m sitting in a hostel, and I don’t go out anywhere, I don’t want to I don’t want to communicate with any of them, I don’t want anything, they always decide something for me, I’m used to it. "
If you are tired of the situation and can no longer be in it, then it is the right time to change your life. You are already 19 years old, you can decide your own destiny, without looking back at the fact that someone is trying to manipulate you. There is no need to get a profession that does not appeal to you in any way. What prevents you from entering the profession that you would like to choose for yourself? Since you are still sitting alone and doing nothing, it makes sense to start arranging your life as you see fit.
It’s better for you now to think not about the past, which has already happened anyway and cannot be changed, but to remember that at your 19 years old you have a future that no one can take care of better than you yourself - choosing your favorite profession, getting an education, creating your own family .
Who are you financially dependent on now? How do you live in a hostel?
red fox
I depend on (T), when choosing a profession, I had to reckon with her opinion and take it as a basis, she is categorically against me working, at first I was looking for a job, but she gave me enough money to live.
The very fact that I let people into my life, fell in love with them, and after a few years they just left, live in the same city, and didn’t even keep in touch for about 10 years ...
Do you have friends of your age? Do you keep in touch with anyone, spend time with them?
red fox
Red Fox, in adult life this happens not infrequently - people are together for some time, and then their paths diverge. No one is obligated to devote himself forever to another. Not only did you let them into your life, they also let you into their life, so it makes sense to consider this as an equivalent exchange of trust, and not a favor.How long do you expect to depend on external financial assistance? What is the point for you - not to work, if in exchange for this you have to get an unloved specialty? Do you have any strict obligations to T (monetary debt, for example) or is it your voluntary agreement to obey?
Do you have friends of your age? Do you keep in touch with anyone, spend time with them?
I don't even know why, thanks? The circle of contacts is narrow, mostly people have their own benefit, I avoid such people. There are a few people I can trust, but I rarely talk to them...
red fox
Red Fox, did not understand what your remark "I don't even know why, thanks?" was referring to. What did you mean?Who are these people, who can you trust, and why do you rarely communicate with them if they are so close to you?
I meant that to (T) mixed feelings, one of them is gratitude, and friends, I keep them at a distance, because when I get closer, I have to open up, but I don’t want to. I understand that this is not the age when you can be sure of all 50 in a person.
It's easier for me to avoid them. I see the catch in everything, giving it a little time. Come true...
Red Fox, as the wise men say, we get exactly what we expect. If you are determined to see the catch in a relationship, you will definitely find something to see it in.
After all, the relationship of people is always a clash and a compromise of interests. Each person sees the world "from his own bell tower" and has his own needs, plans, etc. When people communicate with each other, their interests and plans often conflict. And then people discuss this problem - they are looking for a compromise, or they insist on their own (if it is very important for them) or make concessions (if it is more important for them to maintain a relationship than to get what they want).
"I understand that this is not yet the age when you can be sure of all 50 in a person. "
As for the age when you can be confident in people - there is no such age. Because it doesn't depend on age at all. It depends on such quality as "trust to people". It, depending on experience and circumstances, can be more or less in one or another period of a person's life. Of course, there are distrustful people (as a character trait). Trust, as a quality, is formed from childhood. Therefore, your childhood and youth, full of events and changes, probably formed in you the habit of always being on your guard - "suddenly something will change again in the environment or in relationships."
It is difficult for a child to understand many adult decisions, because he lives in his own world and considers everything through his attitude towards himself (egocentrism). While the world of adults includes many factors that influence a person's behavior and decisions - both the child, and relatives (family, parents), spouses or loved ones, and friends, and colleagues, and material factors, and living conditions, etc.
You already, as an adult, are beginning to see this and understand that people are judged not only by their actions, but also by the circumstances that led them to such a decision and act or forced them to do so. Do you agree?
red fox
Yes, you explained everything to me, but I don’t know how to deal with it, everything was there, but I live with this resentment ...
Yesterday I saw my mother, I came to my city for the weekend, when she saw me, she defiantly walked by, as if she hadn’t noticed ...
I can’t understand her, she is 41, but the behavior is as if a person is limited, and lives in his own world of insults ...
You know, I even draw a parallel, how she behaves, and how I perceive it, we both don’t want to let it go, it’s more convenient to suffer ...? ...
Red Fox, you already answered yourself - you understand everything very well about your mother "she is 41, but her behavior is as if a person is limited, and lives in her own world of insults ... "And you repeat and copy her behavior in terms of" and lives in her own world of insults"
Do you want to be like her? Is it worth holding on to this image?
You understand your mother - you yourself experience the same feelings. Therefore, it is easy for you to understand how hard it is for her to take the first step towards her, if she is all a lump of unresolved grievances that have accumulated over 41 years.
Insults are forgiven when a person begins to understand - he evaluates people through the prism of "who did what to him." That is, he evaluates people not by their character, abilities, their life circumstances, interests, etc., but through the prism of "was he useful and convenient to me or not." When a person himself analyzes his actions and pays attention that he is far from ideal and not all his thoughts about how to please other people, then he begins to be more tolerant of others.
Each person lives his own life and his own interests in the first place - for some time their interests intersect, and then they may diverge or come into conflict. So resentment is just an unsatisfied desire for it to be "the way I want, and the person does the way he wants." Why should your desire be more valuable to another than his own desire? You are not ready to give up your desire, why should the other give in to you?
red fox
I don’t know, she’s a mother after all ... That’s all I had, in fact, I don’t know how to let it go ...
Red Fox, don't dwell on the past. It is not as important now as what will be. You are already independent, not a child, and do not depend on your mother, so concentrate on organizing your life - no one will do it except you anyway. You don't need a mother for this. Shape your new circle communication - friends, colleagues, teachers, classmates, young people for personal life and so on. It is these people that are important to you now as your support - for study, work, entertainment, warmth and love, creating your own family, etc.
With mom maybe more later years contact will be established. Over the years, often interrupted family ties are updated, as matured people begin to feel the need for each other (usually this happens when children are over 30 years old, and parents are closer to 60)
Cafe at Freud's, where you can talk about everything that interests you with other participants, exchange experiences and get support. You can also leave .
Hello Anna, first of all, sorry for the long delay in replying. It so happened that your question came to me on the eve of my flight to Russia. These flights take two days, and then it was necessary to come to a state in which I could write you a high-quality answer, and get a login for answers, which I, of course, did not take with me when I was going on vacation. But all this is behind now, and let's see what happens in your life. Anna, of course, it is difficult for you now. You resumed a relationship with a guy who seemed to you not so bad after a year of separation. Of course, you spent time, energy... You had hopes and plans. As a result, you saw that just as he did not have serious intentions, he does not. Conversations, persuasion did not help. "A pig will always find dirt" - was your answer. It is good that he himself understands this and speaks honestly about it. It is also good that you, Anna, know your own worth and do not agree to a life of doubt, distrust and suffering. However, it's hard for you to let this guy go. It would be nice if you wrote why it is difficult for you to do this. And so it remains only to speculate. Think about what you expected from him in response to your decision to get back together with him? It is possible that the guy will appreciate the fact that you accepted him again. That he decides to be faithful to you, decides to take on a certain responsibility. But this did not happen and you are sorry for the wasted effort. Shame on myself. If so, then think about what would have happened to you if you had not tried again? I think you would also be tormented by doubts. What if he changed? And I broke up with him. Now you know. Although this is not the result you expected. Of course, your boyfriend has some positive qualities that attract you. But there are no those that are more important and necessary for you. And it is difficult to end a relationship with him, because it is a pity for the spent forces. Anna, if it’s a pity for the efforts expended now, then what will happen next if you wait for changes on his part for some more time? How much longer are you willing to wait and hope? How much more time to spend on someone who does not suit you? And why do you need it, exactly? Here it would be good to understand exactly why you need a man next to you. Try to make yourself a list of those qualities of a man that he must possess in order to be worthy of you. What human qualities should he have? Men's? What kind of husband should he be? Father? What should he bring to your relationship? How to deal with you? Compare this list with the qualities that this guy has. Maybe this will help you to look at your situation a little more clearly. Good luck Anna.
All the best
Vasilevskaya Lyudmila Sergeevna, online psychologist.
Find out why you can't let go of your loved one and how to overcome your obsession.
How do you get the person you love out of your head? Tammy asked.
Does your loved one remind you of yourself, or do you think about him yourself?
No, he doesn't do anything. I can't stop thinking about him! How can I overcome this?
What exactly do you think of him?
I think what to tell him to return it. Thinking about what I would do if I had another chance.
And probably you have something to say to bring it back?
No. He left. I said everything that could be said. He's already dating someone else and doesn't even want to talk to me.
So, when you think about how to get him back, or mentally engage in "debriefing", you do NOT accept your powerlessness over his decision, right?
I don't want to accept it.
Do you try to move away from your feelings associated with the end of your relationship, such as sadness, disappointment, loneliness? ..
Yes, of course, I try to avoid such experiences, because I don't think I can cope with grief and loneliness!
Tammy, until you learn accept the feelings you are experiencing due to the breakup of your relationship, and will try to avoid it, you will not be able to let go of the person you love. Obsession can be seen as a way to avoid negative emotions. You no longer want to suffer about this person, but until you let the feelings that you experience through yourself, you will try to escape from reality, which will lead you to obsession.
But I don't think I can deal with such strong feelings!
Right now, I'll teach you how to do it. You are ready?
Yes, I'm ready to try.
Good. Now you need to turn on your imagination, because we will do a little visualization. Imagine your loving heart and tell me what feelings it is filled with?
My heart hurts. It's broken.
Tammy, find a place in yourself where you can look at your heart from the outside and sympathize with it. Can you be compassionate, kind, caring, gentle and understanding towards yourself at this moment?
Yes, I can, - Tammy began to cry.
Accept your tears, pain, with deep compassion for yourself. Let the pain leave you with tears.
Tammy cried for about five minutes.
How do you feel now? I asked.
Better. Calm down. I cried a lot before, but for some reason, only now I feel better.
You felt bad because you used to take on the role of the victim, but now you have taken responsibility for your moral well-being by experiencing compassion for yourself. You gave a name to what you feel. You acknowledged that you were truly suffering and accepted it. All this allowed you to let go of a heavy load.
Wow! I can't believe how much better I feel now!
So now you know how, take care of yourself, save yourself from suffering. Now you don't have to avoid those thoughts that hurt you and go crazy for the person who left you. Whenever you get obsessed again, you need to remember that you are once again avoiding feelings of loneliness and helplessness in front of the situation. If you feel compassion for yourself when you're hurting, you can cry and let the pain go, as we just did. Are you ready to repeat the visualization yourself when necessary, instead of continuing to think about this person?
Yes! Turns out it's not as hard as I thought! I can't believe how much time I wasted obsessing over this man!
The possession was your way of controlling your negative emotions. Obviously this method doesn't work because you were making yourself unhappy.
I didn't realize I was trying to control my feelings and didn't know how else to deal with them!
Correctly. Until we learn to accept our feelings, we will avoid them in any way, and we will depend on these ways. I hope you understand that visualization needs to be repeated every time you feel bad.