What my ex taught me five years after the breakup. Crisis in relationships. Psychology of relationships Breakup after 5 years of relationship

Anton Mikhailovich, good evening. Please help me understand the situation. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 5 years. We didn’t have a candy-bouquet period; we almost immediately began to live together, although before that we had been communicating for about a year. As he said, he wanted to live with me because he felt comfortable with me. At first he said that he would marry me in a year or two, he said that he loved me. I didn’t even start talking about this topic. So 3 years passed, and there were no offers from his side. I was the first to start talking about marriage, but he was categorically against it. I was very upset, I moved away from him, we even separated for a while, under his pretext to think about whether he needed serious relationship with me. But, as it turned out later, during this time another girl fleetingly appeared to him, who soon disappeared. He promised that everything would be fine, and we started living together again. Six months later, nothing had changed, I started talking about marriage, he seemed to agree, we submitted an application, but within a month he refused. I left him for 3 months, but then I finally came back. He asked, said that he loved. Then everything was fine for 9 months, I still waited for an offer, did not raise this topic, but never received anything. Again, she raised this topic herself, said that he would do everything for my sake, we submitted an application, but within a week he again refused. He says he has a phobia. He understands that there is nothing terrible in marriage, but he cannot do it. Now he acts as if nothing happened. He says he loves her, but doesn’t want to get married or have children. Everything later. She says that I have changed, that I am always to blame for something. And I feel resentment and dissatisfaction. There is no longer any desire to even communicate normally after all this. A constant desire to leave this relationship, although I loved him very much and sincerely wanted a family and children, which I said from the very beginning. And now I’m already confused. I don’t understand why he says he loves but does something else? Perhaps I put myself in such a position that he is not afraid of losing me or is he just comfortable with me? Thanks for the answer.

Irina, Moscow, Russia, 31 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello Irina.

//He promised that everything would be fine, and we started living together again// He promised, and you believed... Have you found out the reasons why he refused so abruptly? Did they ask him what he was afraid of? Were you able to talk openly about his doubts - what are they connected to, is it possible to change something, does he even want to change it for your sake? //He asked, said that he loved.// And again promises, and again no information about the reasons. Are you so easily captivated by promises? Is “I’ll try, I won’t do this again” enough for you? But this is the child’s position - to ask for forgiveness and not analyze any reasons, not think, not “sweat” and ultimately not change anything. Just to temporarily “shut up” the brewing conflict, to make promises, just to return to the previous state of affairs. //Says he has a phobia. He understands that there is nothing terrible in marriage, but he cannot do it. // There are, of course, phobias. But again - did he have a traumatic experience? Which? Why did the phobia arise? Does he want to live with this phobia all his life? In fact, if a phobia interferes with life, people go to a psychologist and deal with the phobia. It turns out that the phobia does not interfere with his life and even, perhaps, helps? Those. serves as an "excuse", simply put? //although I loved him very much and sincerely wanted a family and children, which I talked about from the very beginning// But he did not reciprocate your feelings on this topic, alas. And you have to face the truth - this is so. By and large, even the first time when he refused, it was already clear that the person was not considering this option seriously/was not ready/was satisfied with everything as it was, etc. But you continued to wait and were satisfied with the promises. And this, it turns out, was already your choice, given the information that he still does not share your plans. //doesn’t want to get married and doesn’t want children// Apparently, he is quite happy with what he has. How long this will suit him, whether there could be any changes - we cannot tell you. But you'll have to decide for yourself important question: Is this person so important to you that you are willing to wait for him as long as he needs? Or is it still more important for you to live your life in a certain way, to be close to a person who would more closely share your plans for life? //I don’t understand why he says he loves, but does something else?//Perhaps he loves in his own way. But the understanding of love that he has will not always coincide with yours. Now all this does not coincide at all, because for you the continuation of love is family and children, but for him it is not. And believe me, not everyone has love = family. //Perhaps I put myself in such a way that he is not afraid of losing me or is he just comfortable with me?// If a relationship is built on fear, this is also somehow sad. “Being afraid of losing” is not the same as cherishing, being interested in the well-being of another... But such relationships are work. Whether he is ready to do it is difficult to say. But if you don’t find out the reasons, don’t go into conflict, don’t try to resolve it constructively, don’t try to defend the needs that are important to you and at the same time mutually take into account the important needs of the other, there will be no relationship. You didn't take into account your important needs, apparently. Therefore, the same question above - in any case, it needs to be solved first of all.

Sincerely, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky.

Currently, relationship psychology very often pays attention to periodic crises in the lives of couples in love. For each of them, despite outward well-being, something may not go well or even fall apart. One of the partners suddenly begins to notice the shortcomings of the other: scattered things, slowness while getting ready for a walk, loud steps, etc. Everything that previously seemed funny suddenly became unbearable. You call your friends, complaining about your own irritability and talking about the familiarity of relationships. And every day, reluctantly returning home, you ask yourself: “What to do next?”

If you find yourself in such a situation, then you should not torment yourself, your significant other and your friends with your own irritability. You need to understand that a crisis in a relationship occurs in all couples without exception. Even those who have been together for more than a quarter of a century face this. Hence, naturally, contradictions arise, ranging from a revaluation of values and ending with a radically new look at the structure of everyday life.

It is not easy for many to experience their own crisis, but if we are talking about two people in this state, then it will take a lot of time, patience, love and mutual respect to maintain the relationship.

Symptoms of the crisis

We list the most common symptoms, the appearance of which indicates the onset of a crisis:

Partners lose the desire to like each other.
Raising children becomes a topic that provokes mutual reproaches and quarrels.
Spouses have different opinions about most of the issues that matter most to them.
One or both partners avoid intimacy.
The spouses stop communicating, and everyone spends time on their own.
Almost all words and actions of a partner cause irritation.
One of the couple begins to believe that he is constantly forced to give in to the opinions and desires of his other half.
One of the spouses ceases to participate in family life and solving everyday problems. As a rule, this is the husband. He behaves rather distantly and often stays late at work.
Following from the previous point, the wife plunges headlong into solving family problems. She, like a draft horse, drags her husband, children and the whole household.
Spouses do not understand (or poorly understand) each other’s feelings.
There is no desire to share your own joys and problems with your partner.

Relationship crises by year

In the life of any couple, there are several turning points. Let's take a closer look at them.

Year 1 crisis

Typically starts after 6 months of relationship. This period is especially difficult for couples who live together and are trying to establish a family life.

Peculiarities of manifestation: “everyday life” prevails over romance, and the “rose-colored glasses” of future spouses fall off. Lovers begin to notice each other's habits and behavior patterns that they were not even aware of before. For example, it turns out that a woman takes a bath for 2 hours and does not know how to cook, and a man does not clean up his things and grinds his teeth in his sleep.

Partners should learn to calmly discuss troubling issues and contradictions so that certain norms and rules can be developed in the relationship that suit both. If this does not happen, the lovers will separate. According to statistics family psychologists About 90% of couples break up in the first year.

Therefore, if you really have strong feelings for your significant other, then try to survive the crisis in the relationship. 1 year is the time when partners should listen to each other and seek compromises. Go ahead.

Crisis 3 years

Some psychologists distinguish another period between this and the previous periods. This is a relationship crisis for 2 years. We will not talk about it separately, since it is very similar to the turning point period of 3 years. The crisis of 2 years may not come. Everything will depend on when the children arrive. After all, the birth of a child is a serious stress for new parents, as they have to radically change their usual lifestyle.

The same can be said about the crisis of 5 years of relations. 3 summer period- this is just a guideline. No one knows when a couple will begin a crisis, which is why experts have set a conditional framework in the range from 2 to 5 years. During this time period, partners may experience a second (after 1 year) critical stage. Now let's move on to discussing the period included in the subtitle.

Features of manifestation: over time life together The couple's relationship is on the rise new level. The lovers learn all the shortcomings and advantages of each other, and the “grinding in” ends. Some have children.

The period of waiting for the first child is the most prosperous. The husband takes care of his wife, protecting her from negative situations, helping with the housework, and trying not to upset her again. But all this can be characterized as the calm before the “storm”.

A crisis in a relationship occurs when the child is already born. The wife switches her attention to the baby and practically does not pay him to her husband. Due to sleepless nights, irritation and fatigue accumulate. In addition, sexual desire in the postpartum period is reduced. These factors often lead to alienation. Everything seems to be fine, the baby is carried to term and was born healthy. A woman with a child in her arms needs more support, but right now a man has a desire to go “left” to young girls and forget about family problems, at least for a short period.

You should show respect and flexibility to your partner's opinion in order to survive the critical time - 3 years. A relationship crisis can also arise due to disputes over raising a child. In this matter, the couple should also develop a common line of behavior.

Crisis 7 years

This is one of the most unstable and “mysterious” periods in a couple’s life. Its conditional boundaries are from 7 to 9 years of marriage.

Features of manifestation: the mystery lies in the fact that all areas of the psyche and human life overlap each other. One of the spouses may be experiencing a midlife crisis. If there are children, the couple will experience all manifestations of them age characteristics(or 3 or 7 years old). During these periods, offspring can become the most disobedient and unpredictable fidgets in the world, capable of unbalancing even the most emotionally stable parents.

In addition, significant changes can occur at work: career advancement, business development. All this imposes additional responsibilities on spouses and increases their responsibility.

Also, partners compare their past dreams with reality, and for most they do not coincide with reality, leading to disappointment. The spouses begin to feel that life has become monotonous.

If your couple has experienced a crisis of 7 years of relationship, then the best way out of it will be to introduce new joint activities and hobbies into life. Be patient. To survive this turning point, you will need it more than ever.

Crisis 15 years

The boundaries of this period are quite wide and vary around 5 years (from 15 to 20 years of marriage). “Teenage crisis in relationships” - this is the name family psychologists gave it.

Features of manifestation: spouses look back at their lives and count the ups and downs, comparing their own achievements with the successes of acquaintances and friends. Usually both partners are at the stage of an age crisis and are engaged in a reassessment of values (intrafamily and their own). They often ask the question: “Did I do the right thing by connecting my life with this person?” By the way, the children have already grown up and become independent. If they want to lead an independent lifestyle, the partners will again have to learn to live together. If, during a reassessment of values, each of the spouses understands that they have lived these years with a person who sincerely gives their feelings, then the crisis in the relationship will quickly end, the union will become stronger, and the feelings will become even brighter and stronger. If the partners’ ideas do not coincide with reality, then a “war” may break out with an unpredictable outcome.

Crisis 25 years

The silver wedding is coming very soon, all friends and acquaintances are looking at you with envy. happy couple, but for some reason there is discord in the family.

Peculiarities of manifestation: women begin menopause during this period, and men try to look younger, watch their figure and make dirty jokes towards young girls (although they didn’t allow themselves to do this before). They can be understood: the career is made, the children have grown up, material wealth is ensured... What else should we strive for? Men, unlike women, have a harder time recognizing their weaknesses. It is difficult for them to admit their own lack of demand. On the contrary, the stronger half will actively prove to others that the “powder in the flask” has not yet run out.

What about your wife? Does she have much-needed moral support at this time? In most cases no! TO silver wedding 90% of women become grumpy old women. This is partly due to the fact that after so many years of marriage, the partner is simply tired, and the list of his sins over the years has become too long.

How to survive this stage? Spouses should remember their youth and arrange a honeymoon. You can go on a trip that you have long dreamed of, or take up some new sport.

So we've looked at the crisis family relations on years. Know that at any turning point there are two stages: beginning and completion. Having mastered this, you can easily cope with any difficulties. Moreover, a crisis is an objective thing. It occurs in the life of any couple, regardless of whether the spouses are good or bad.

Describing crises in relationships, the periods of which vary greatly, we have already given some tips on how to cope with them. Now we will dwell on this topic in more detail and provide several universal recommendations for overcoming turning points.

How to survive a crisis in a relationship?

1. Surprises

During this difficult period, think about how they can decorate your home. pleasant surprises. For example, after work you go home in a bad mood, expecting a scandal, you open the door, and in the hallway there is a bunch of balloons and the inscription “Welcome”. Such non-standard actions will bring a sea of positive emotions and strengthen the belief that everything will change for the better.

2. Joint effort

The couple needs to prepare mentally to deal with the crisis. Both partners must want this. After all, a conflict situation is a consequence of misunderstanding between spouses. Even if one person tries to improve family relationships, it will not be successful. To fix everything, we need joint efforts.

3. Self-esteem

When a crisis occurs, relationship psychology teaches you not to look for negativity in your partner, but to pay attention to your own behavior. Both are to blame for what happened! Therefore, stop telling your significant other: “It’s your fault!”, “You’re good,” “Look at yourself,” etc. Find out what exactly has changed in your life experience, work on self-esteem, and also try to give your loved one confidence in to yourself.

4. Sex

Whatever happens to your relationship, don't let it negatively affect you. intimate life. On the contrary, the quality of sex should increase! No headaches, tediousness, habits or fatigue! Add variety to sex, find out your spouse’s secret desires and preferences, experiment!

Good sex helps strengthen relationships and allows you to look at your other half from an intimate perspective, which makes you closer. It also helps in solving most problems: excessive grumpiness, unwashed dishes, an empty refrigerator, dissatisfaction with untidy socks, distance from each other and many others.

5. Memories

Shared memories play a huge role in such areas as family and family relationships. That’s why psychologists advise returning to them in crisis situations. Your acquaintance, a date, your first kiss, sex, your favorite music... But the greatest benefit will come not from simple memories, but from visiting memorable places together.

6. Gratitude

Thank your partner every day for everything they do. Even for the most mere trifle. For example: “Darling, thank you for driving me to work! You are so caring!". Or: “Darling, thank you for the hemmed trousers! It would be difficult for me without you!” By the way, you need to thank your loved one not only in crisis situations. Make it a habit.

7. Confidential communication

Don't hush up problems that have arisen. Often, having been offended by a loved one, we experience everything within ourselves. This is due to a false stereotype, according to which a man and a woman are not blessed by quarrels and scandals. But there is no need to express your resentment by shouting loudly and smashing everything around. Just calmly explain to your spouse exactly how he offended you. A very common situation is when one partner does not even realize the reasons for the second’s offense and does not understand the motives for his behavior. This is where myths about nasty husbands or capricious and bitchy wives appear. In general, a frank conversation will help clarify all the unpleasant moments and in the future will allow you to be more attentive to your partner’s feelings.

8. Common cause

One of the best reasons for building relationships. Even if you don’t really want to take on it, it still unites. For example, buy a camera and master it together, enroll in a dance school, etc.

9. Positivity

A crisis in a relationship is a negative, painful and difficult phenomenon. Don't get too hung up on it. Think positively even in difficult situations. Also change the wording of your phrases. Instead of: “I hardly see you,” say: “Let's spend more time together.” Do not delve into the shortcomings of your loved one, but concentrate on his strengths.

10. Freedom

Sometimes life together becomes boring for spouses and they get tired of each other. This is especially acute at critical moments. If you experience a severe lack of internal or external freedom, move away from your partner for a while. Visit your parents, meet friends, go to a seminar. Do this until you start to get really bored.

Conclusion

The crisis of family relationships over the years can be compared to the passage of a new round in the spiral of life together. Some ignore it, turning a chronic conflict into an acute one, while others allow the family to change and develop, polishing relationships. After all, when each such milestone is passed, affection and love are transformed and reach a higher level. So, at 1 year of age, love “eros” transforms into a strong feeling of “agate”. From 2 to 5 years, the fruit of love may appear - a child. By the 7th year, the relationship between partners becomes familiar, comfortable and freer. By the 15th year, the feelings of the spouses will undergo serious tests and become significantly stronger, and by the 25th year they will turn into tender and deep affection. Already, as a rule, forever!

Good day! I'll start with the fact that right now my roof is completely torn. I’m 25, she’s 22. I dated a girl for 5 years, and then a month ago we broke up, the words came out like a bolt from the blue. I'm telling you the background story.

In June 2013, we had a fight because she had graduated from university, and she wanted to go abroad to relax, at that time, I quit my job, moved to a new one and then quit, I had zero money, I took out a loan for her sake, We went to relax, Then it started.

In September, accusations began that I was a miser, that I didn’t go anywhere, that I didn’t need anything, etc. Yes, there was a mistake on my part, but I worked 2 jobs to close the loan. I didn’t want to go anywhere, so I came home from work and stupidly went to bed. Sometimes we went to cafes with her, we spent all our free money on entertainment.

In November, we went to choose a ring with her because we wanted to submit an application to the registry office in January. I thought about proposing to her for our 5 years. But then it was as if she had been replaced.

She said that she doesn’t want to get married yet, arguing that she has nowhere to live except with her parents, she doesn’t want to rent an apartment, or rather, she doesn’t want to live there, she needs her own apartment, period. Having the talents of a negotiator, we agreed that we would submit an application to the registry office and take out a mortgage, I went to all the banks about the mortgage. Everywhere they refused because of her work (she works under a fixed-term contract with a salary of 3 thousand rubles from 8 to 20 o'clock).

What we had a huge fight about here is that people are counting on her, that she can’t quit yet and she likes to teach foreign language, for 2 weeks she couldn’t hear or speak.

On December 15, they somehow made peace and everything was fine. was approaching New Year. According to tradition, we celebrated January 1 with our parents, and then went to see friends, and this is where the story begins.

I didn't like the company right away. There were her friends with their boys and their friends. They are all 20 years old. We sat at home all evening because of one idiot, because he was jealous of everyone, in the end I just stood up and said that we were leaving. They left and everything seemed to be normal.

On January 3, one from that company is added to her VK. they begin to communicate. This infuriated me and I made an ultatum or she deletes it either. in the end she sent me. was silent for a day. On January 12, she allegedly said that she went to the skating rink with her friends, and there were my friends who know my girlfriend and told me that she was there with some guy and a friend with a guy.

I gave her arguments, started to figure it out, she said I was just hanging out in the company. I hacked her VK and read everything. in the end, he sticks to her specifically, she can’t say no to him, her friend sits down on her ears, says that I’m old, I should date young people, etc.

In the end, she says that she is tired of me and says that she has no feelings for me and leaves me. She goes out with this every weekend and ignores me. I waited a week, agreed to a meeting, seriously explained the situation as I saw it, and she answered me that she wanted to be alone, to go out with whoever she wanted, when and where she wanted. I suggested to her that we should take a week off to come to our senses and prepare for the wedding.

A week has passed, she already says that it’s all over, she doesn’t like me as a man and doesn’t see me as her husband. Infuriated, he came and yelled that he had gotten to the root of the situation and said let’s put an end to the relationship. She offered to remain friends after 5 years of relationship. I told her either we get together or we break up. That evening we did not put an end to our relationship.

But she continues to hang out with that mu***, she found out everything about him. 20 years old, kicked out of university, after the army, works as a sergeant in the Ministry of Emergency Situations. Again I hacked her VK page, and then my friend fucked in her ears, what wonderful taste she has, that she chose a young, slender man (I’m 94 and fat), a military man, and the fact that he always needs somewhere to go to have fun. We met again, I say don’t listen to your girlfriend, but listen to your heart. She said that she has feelings, but doesn’t know what’s happening to her. I give it time, and still she continues to walk with him. I gave up on this whole situation and disappeared from her field of vision.

I started calling, writing by email, on VK, although I deleted her from there, I started communicating carefully, from afar, I invite her to go for a walk, she agrees, but on the trail. day she calls and says that it’s all over with us and there’s no need to start all over again. I tell her, let’s put an end to the relationship once and for all, to which she begins to sob and withdraws into herself.

Yesterday her parents called me and asked why she didn’t come to her father’s birthday party, I told the truth, and they started getting hysterical because they love me.. and I found out what she told her parents when I didn’t come to them at guests, then I was sick, then I was working, then I was busy, then something else. And yesterday I went again, telling everyone that I was going for a walk with my friends. I told her I’d come back from a business trip and we’d part ways for good. And it began that why, why, is he worried about me, or am I just a tyrant and a rag?

Her best friend is my informant. And she leaks all the information if something becomes known, but the funny thing is that they stopped communicating with her. she's kind of redundant. But what she managed to find out is that I supposedly don’t take her anywhere, I’m fat, a cheapskate, and doesn’t want anything to do with me. like I'm tired of it.

And now I don’t know what to do, I haven’t slept for a week, I’m still thinking about what to do, what to do.... help me with advice, I really can’t do it anymore.