Just not in my opinion. Temple of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary And how to create a strong family
“The Lord so “pairs” people so that with their weaknesses they put pressure on sore spots and thus help each other change. In general, I wanted to be a monk, but I was lucky: my confessor once said to this: “Child, you have so much pride that you need to get married!” Father Nikolai admits without cuts. In general, in his opinion, the most important recipe for happiness for them and their mother is trust in God and His Word. After all, the Lord has long said how to achieve harmony between spouses, so why reinvent the wheel?
The “lessons” of the Mogilnykhs did not set themselves the goal of “converting” the listeners, but achieved this in just a few meetings - there were more Christians in our sinful world. “I accidentally went to the gallery. And when I heard how soberly, without oil, the priest spoke about what worries every family, I understood: I want to become Orthodox,” one Kiev woman said with enthusiasm after the meeting.
But how did the Mogilny couple decide to twist their souls in front of the audience? This and other questions on the eve of the next "Lesson" we asked Father Nikolai.
“What does it mean to twist the soul? - the father was surprised. - The communication of people is not just fluctuations of sounds - it is the communication of hearts. Unfortunately, today hypocrisy has become the norm of human relations. And faith in our people, so combed, smart, popular print, in a word, external. We are afraid of frankness, like demons of holy water, out of pride we do not let anyone near us, so that we are not offended! We forget that the unity of souls is impossible without a sincere, open dialogue. Otherwise, we will suffer from loneliness! In Orthodoxy, a priest is addressed not as “holy father”, but as “father”. It is wrong to call priests holy. Only God is holy, and we are all sinners. It is pleasant and easy next to the father-father, who understands you. Who himself experienced what you are experiencing! And in order to truly help, it is not enough to have an appearance of piety, you need to acquire its strength. When we communicate with some memorized gospel phrases, sayings of the holy fathers, without understanding what we are talking about, this does not touch a person, and sometimes even repels him from faith.
It should be remembered that a priest is the same person, he has the same family, wife, children, unless, of course, he is a monk. We are experiencing the same problems as ordinary spouses. And therefore we hope that our experience will be understood by people much more than thousands of words of theorists! One more thing - we are trying to solve family problems in Christ. And since this is the only true recipe for overcoming family conflicts (without side effects), we will be very happy if we can convey it to the audience, who, using the experience of our mistakes, will be able to build their family life happy and harmonious. Often people tend to boast that they are doing well, they are embarrassed to talk about skeletons in the closet, although they are probably in every home. We are not afraid to speak frankly about what to do with them, how to get rid of them. Perhaps this will seduce someone, and help someone to start an open intra-family, saving dialogue.
What do you think is the most important issue in your family? What cemented your love, as they say, for centuries?
The starting point of our relationship was the Sacrament of the Wedding. It made possible our salvation, became a springboard for the conscious "breaking off" of the passions of each of us. And as for the cementing of feelings, then "what God combined, let no man separate." That is, what is the task of spouses? Save the marriage, and for this you need to acquire love for each other. Partnerships will not work here. It is necessary to create conditions for love to dwell, and for this it is necessary to eradicate one's shortcomings, to yield, to humble oneself, it will not enter a proud heart. Then the feelings sanctified by love will indeed become eternal: “love does not cease”, as the apostle Paul says. The cultivation of love is not a one-time act of planting daffodils, it is a continuous process. Therefore, it cannot be said that we took it and in one fell swoop made our feelings exemplary. No, only everyday work on yourself and prayer to God can bring what you want.
What do you think is the most common reason that every second marriage in Ukraine breaks up steadily.
You once said that you and your mother are quite different people, especially this dissimilarity was striking and interfered with at the beginning of the marriage. What helped you find a common language?
Yes, we are from different “planets”, we have different education, upbringing, we are, finally, a man and a woman, which already implies a different worldview. But after the wedding, suddenly a miracle happened! Like in a fairy tale, when a frog turns into a princess. So it is with us - we suddenly saw the image of God in each other, realized that we have the same goals, that we want to create a real family, learn to love and make each other happy. Christianity helped us overcome the difference and find a common language, which preaches the humility of the wife before her husband, and the husband's protection of his wife. The husband should not kick her for every mistake, finishing off with offensive phrases “you are a fool”, “you didn’t do this and that”, and assume that the wife should shut up. No, the Gospel calls on the husband to protect his wife, to be her support and at the same time the head, which, as practice shows, is impossible (jokingly, Father Nikolai looks at his mother with a sly smile).
In some situations, the wisdom of our spiritual mentor, Father Michael, who had seven children, helped us to resolve relations. The main thing, I repeat, is that after the Sacrament of the Wedding, conflict resolution suddenly began to come by itself. But, of course, their author is the Lord.
By and large, the difference in views is not a rare stick that prevents the family wheel from spinning without problems. But what recipe for finding a common denominator would you advise spouses if both of them or one of them are unchurched? Indeed, in the first case, people are not able to rely on the Lord a priori (and you offer just such a recipe), in the second, the other half often professes the rules of life, including family relationships, which are far from Christian virtues.
Christianity is given to all mankind, our flesh returns to Adam and Eve. People have different eye color, skin color, language, but it all comes down to one thing - the nature of sin, which is inherent in a person of any nationality. All over the world, even where they have not yet heard about Christ, people understand that it is impossible to live without love and patience. And where to get them?
If I want to take care of my body, then I must play sports, and not lie on the couch. You need to pull dumbbells, run, twirl a hoop or wind a rope, and, in the end, dig up a garden. So here too. If I want to learn to forgive, love and be loved, to give happiness to others, I want my prayers to be heard, I need to come to Christ and start practicing piety. A person can say: “Why do I need your Gospel, your Lord, I myself will sort out my problems!” But this is the same rake that Adam and Eve once stepped on! They also decided that everything could be possible without God, and what came of it? Why repeat their mistakes? One must come to God, return to Him. After all, the farther a person is from the Lord, the harder it is for him. You should not deprive yourself and your loved ones of happiness, and delay the treatment of your spiritual illnesses, with which a full life and harmony in the family and society are impossible.
As for the situation where there is only one believer in the family, let's figure out who a "believer" is. This is not the one who stays in the Temple for three hours to light candles, spend money, sniff incense, but, returning home, like a wild boar torments the household. No, a real Christian is a person who devotes a couple of hours on Saturday evening and the same amount on Sunday morning to cleanse the soul, goes to training, so that when he returns renewed, bring Christ in himself. At the same time, remember how the Lord teaches us through the Apostle Paul: through a believing wife, an unbelieving husband is sanctified and vice versa. Therefore, if our believing husband comes from the temple, all luminous, meek, if he breaks into a cake for his half, children, becomes a source of light, then his wife will join his faith sooner or later. And everything will be exactly the opposite, if the so-called believing spouse, upon arrival from the church, begins to humiliate, press loved ones. No, faith should transform a Christian, and in such a state of renewal, spiritualized with God's help, he will be able to convert household members to faith and find the key to the door leading to family happiness.
On December 26, 2013, as part of enlightening conversations in the Sobornaya Gallery, a creative meeting was held with Archpriest Nikolai Mogilny. We shared our experience and reflected on the topic “How to create a strong family?” father Nicholas and mother Victoria.
Father Nikolai and the elegant woman entered the cozy hall of the gallery, filled with listeners, and immediately disappeared into the mass of visitors. Even the preparatory prayer, citing hoarseness, the priest gave to the audience, which picked up in unison "King of Heaven ...". When Father Nikolai was seated at a table with microphones - "pipes", as he later began to call them, the priest said: "Looking at your faces, you can take a course on how to properly conduct a funeral...". In this way, the audience got to know the Orthodox humor of Father Nikolai, who repeatedly rescued the priest during more than a 2-hour meeting ...
The presenter, noticing the despondency poorly concealed by the father, invited mother Victoria to take a seat at the table - my surprise knew no bounds: that graceful beauty, with whom Father Nikolai entered the gallery, appeared on the stage! “We don’t know how to build a strong family,” Father Nikolai said sadly, “it is bursting at the seams… This is the result of the 70-year reign of Soviet power. Family life was not reformed, but deformed, because the woman was expelled to work: she left everything - her house, her husband and went nowhere ... And my mother and I are victims of the same. Mother drags bags, cleans ten of us. Our parents, after the "happiness" of the Soviet regime, were in a state of overwork. And who could afford to leave a woman in the family? This is a global problem. Capitalism aims to enrich a handful of people. One parishioner once complained: “How can I start a family if I earn 2.5 thousand? They promise to pay more, but they deceive…
HE.: I frankly share how it was with my mother: Victoria graduated from the theater (mother clarifies that it is still choreographic!) School. We didn't have a stake or a yard. From what we have now, I have not earned anything, the priest admits in earnest. This is all the efforts of mother's sister! I want to give parting words to those who wish to enter into a legal marriage: make an inventory of the dowry! Otherwise, it will turn out like ours - there is a vase on the table and seduces me, but it turns out that it is not ours, but my mother’s sisters ... But otherwise everything was wonderful with us: and we went on a honeymoon trip to the Crimea - well, think about it, in November! But they swam in the sea at +17. Our problem is that we have become wiser. We are trying to calculate our possibilities, and this is wrong. There is a problem: a husband has been looking for work for decades, and a woman plows for her husband ...
With these words, Father Nikolai handed the “phone” to mother: “In the summer in the village, the kids and I earn winter provisions! And it’s a pity to load the children in the winter, because. clubs, sports, etc., so we work in the summer.”
HE.: We never felt that God was leaving our family: we needed shoes, but no money. Suddenly, an hour later, friends call and offer things, they say, the children have grown up, take it, do not offend us! We, in turn, overcoming resentment, accept this gift. There is a strange stereotype: to travel to different countries at different times of the year - to go to warm weather in cold weather and vice versa ... Maybe my mother would like to go somewhere, but I don’t know anything about it, fortunately.
Happiness does not depend on money in your pocket, but on the relationship between spouses. Often we see that there seems to be material well-being, but there is no relationship ... As for our children, here's an example for you: the first-born was born - grandparents are unspeakably happy; the second is already discontent; after the third - we will already feel the pressure ... Even objections: “You don’t feed us!” - to nothing. It was hard when my mother was on the 4th. When the elders grew up, they began to look after the younger ones: everyone is busy, the house is quiet! The youngest is 2 years and 9 months old and the oldest is 14 years old and they love each other. My brother and I fought until I grew up and fought him back. Since then, everything has stabilized. But they don’t like large families ... Here a mother in our Kotsyubinsky enters the supermarket with the kids, but not with all of them, she only took five (three at home), and then they hiss: “A girl with children!”
M.Victoria: Once in Crimea, it was worse: we settled on the beach, and two neighbors “from the past” comment: “She didn’t work a day. And her husband knocked out her pension.
HE.: When there were already 6 children, questions began to vied with each other. I want to answer everyone, but I can't. I fall into despair. I'm starting to get annoyed. I propose a game of "whoever I look at - he tells, the rest listen."
M.V.: You see your mistakes in children. So if you share, then only your mistakes. It is necessary to read books on psychology, if only in order to know what can be said in anger, and what should not be said.
HE.: So we plowed together, and only mother was given the “heroine-mother” ... And the father, therefore, is not a hero! But I would ask my mother what irritates me?
M.V.:“Yaky їhav, such a zdibav!” Once about. Mikhail Boyko in the Intercession Convent said: "Get a grip and look in the same direction in 25 years." 16 have already lived. There are 10 years left until complete happiness… We learned not to correct, not to cut, not to make comments… At the moment of temptations, to see in each other the image of God, and not something else. I don't know - how do non-believers cope with difficulties? I respect them. It's hard with God, but how without God?
HE.: If the husband offends, then the woman is always right. Receive as from the hands of the Lord! If a husband infringes, it is from the Lord. Calm down your pride. In any case, the Lord trained on a man, and a woman is perfection! The Lord sends each other to us for our salvation. Marriage is joy and continuous service to each other. Someone needs a fur coat, but someone needs peace and attention. Happiness is not in putting your wife in a stall, but in yourself - on a pedestal. In marriage, they give each other love and joy. Marriage is work. This is self-destruction. Even when you want to kill him, you must love him! A woman can change a man with patience, meekness. From the messages of Paul, we know that we must initially prepare, that everything will not be the way we imagined for ourselves. Christ himself carried his murder weapon: the wife prepares for her husband what he will kill her with. It depends on us whether the crown of thorns will be replaced by the royal diadem!
P.S. As a result, Father Nikolai confessed: “I can’t humble my mother until she wants to! This is a sign of female adequacy.
A miracle is a phenomenon accompanied by a violation of the laws of nature. For most of our contemporaries, the most desired miracle is the "multiplication of loaves." Undoubtedly, this is a miracle. But miracles are closer to me, strengthening in faith, revealing the secret of the Father's love and care of the Lord God, to a person carelessly slumbering in his unbelief.
1 . Pedagogy error
I was born and raised in Kyiv. More than one generation of the Mogilny family lies at the Baikovo cemetery, the oldest in the city. Even godlessness could not erase respect for the dead from the Soviet people. It seems that the outrageous cries "on the graves", sometimes turning into fights of "mourning" relatives, softened the hearts of party officials.
On one of these memorial days, my parents and I ended up at the cemetery. Having cleaned and decorated the graves, we returned home with a sense of accomplishment. Leaving the cemetery fence, my parent, the party organizer of the plant, suddenly crossed himself and said: “The land rest in peace!”. To me, a newly minted pioneer, these words cut my ear. “The land is a stone to them,” I thoughtlessly blurted out. Mom, sitting next to me, immediately backhanded me on the lips, catching a snub-nosed pioneer nose in freckles, from which blood ran. At that moment I realized - there is a God!
There was no resentment, there was only a joyful feeling of meeting with the Creator, with the One who is above everything, who owns the universe, life and death! Since then I have been looking for Him. Neither before nor after did my parents beat me.
2. Lament of the persecutor
In our entrance on the ninth floor lived a believing old woman. Every day she went to the Florovsky Monastery for services. After the incident at the cemetery, I wanted to ask her about God, for which I guarded repeatedly, but for some reason the ninety-year-old woman avoided talking. Soon I joined the crowd of boys and, together with them, teased Praskovya Romanovna, that was the name of the prayer book, calling her a "prayer." My elder brother was distinguished by a special persecution zeal.
The old woman quietly whispered prayers, looking “through” us, blockheads, as if seeing something in the background ... From time to time she gave me and my brother prosphora, we loved them very much for their unusual taste, ate, but did not stop teasing.
Years have passed. My brother was the first to go to church (now he is a novice in the monastery), then my turn came. When Praskovya Romanovna died, I served in the army. My brother, having learned about her death, read the psalter all night at the tomb. And when her black-robed body was buried, he wept.
3. Seminarians and hard worker
I became churched after the army. With neophyte ardor, he abandoned all "worldly" undertakings and got a job at the Kiev-Pechersk Lavra. Once they gave me two seminarians to help me, for practice. Fine-looking young men, initiated into the secrets of spiritual science, did not fit into the context of earthworks on the clay slopes of the monastery courtyard. I decided to let them go.
One with "angelic" speed immediately left, and the other remained. For a whole week, like a child, I elicited from him the “secrets” of salvation, listening with an open mouth about Seth, Noah, Elijah, Barak and Deborah, Samson and the Wise Solomon. He heard the terrible denunciation of the Forerunner, was in awe of the Holy Trinity and marveled at the deeds of the Saints of the Caves. He opened the world of Faith to me, and I still consider him my mentor.
Now we are forty. I graduated from the Theological Seminary and took holy orders. Now my “trainees” are respected priests, close friends and godfathers, just family people. Thank You, Lord.
4. Neophyte's prayer
My first months in the Church coincided with work at the Lavra household yard. The contradictory blessings of the brethren brought me into a "stupor" of despondency. I wanted to drop everything and leave. Then I remembered the famous Kiev priest, who took care of his older brother. It seemed that only he could resolve my confusion. I began to ask: "Lord, help me to see the priest."
It was about seven o'clock in the morning, there was no one around. Suddenly someone called out to me: “Baby, do you know why the caves are closed?” In front of me stood a marvelous old man with a snow-white beard and the same hair. “You are not Father Michael,” I asked. He answered in the affirmative. I clung to him in joy and after an hour and a half of conversation “became a different person”, no longer discouraged. For the next fifteen years, until his death, the priest was my confessor.
5. "And the Lord will give you according to your own heart"
My wife gave birth to eight children. So, eight times we painfully made a decision how to name the baby. More precisely, not eight, but seven. Mother really liked the name Tikhon, there was no doubt about it. After the eldest son, the Lord sent only girls.
She prayed at the relics of the saint in the Donskoy Monastery, and two years later, on the Annunciation, she gave birth to a fifth child - a son. On this day the Holy Church commemorates St. Tikhon. Tikhon - means "happiness".
6. Not in logs but in ribs
They ordained me to a parish in a village near Kiev. As the saying goes, “no stake, no yard,” and no church. Virgin lands, overgrown with "weeds" of human disbelief. The chairman singled out the hut. Pressed straw walls, half brick from the street, 18 square meters. During the night they made an altar and served the first service on Christmas Day. Almost ten years have passed, and the temple still could not be built. Our people are poor, rural. I came to the confessor to cry, and he: “God is not in logs, but in ribs!” Build temples in the souls of people, the Lord will manage the rest ...
And so it happened. There was a fire at Christmas time in our temple-mitten. I went around the village to ask the premises to serve until spring. Everyone shrugged: no, they say the premises ... One owner of the plant said: "I'll think about it, come back in a week." A week flew by, I came, and he: “I was talking with my friends here, they are believers, in general, we decided to build a temple in the village.” And in a year they built it, from logs, and such a beauty of the temple, perhaps, you will not find another like it. Wonderful are thy works, O Lord!
7. "Don't be afraid of me"
Every year on Holy Pascha, our community congratulates the prisoners in prison. From the beginning of hymns in the temple and the consecration of offerings. Then we go to the prison hospital, distribute eggs and Easter cakes, congratulate the sick. Then to the "pit", the place where the most "hardened" criminals are kept. We sing, distribute, sprinkle with holy water. Camera after camera. We open the next one, on the threshold there is a “child”, “an oblique fathom”, the face is scary to look at. A look like from the underworld, goosebumps ... To sprinkle or not to sprinkle? I’ll sprinkle it abundantly ... And suddenly a smile appeared on his face - like the sun.
I shout: "Christ is risen!". “Truly Risen,” rumbles in response. After Pascha, he came out of the "pit" and began to go to church. Freed, left a life of thieves. Now Yurka always has a smile on his face instead of the "seal of Cain", and his hands are in labor calluses ... Truly Risen!
In general, the prison is a wonderland. I remember that they asked to give communion to someone dying of AIDS, doctors from prison even sent him home to die. The blackened, very thin face of the martyr ran into my memory, his temperature then was 41.
A few weeks later, someone hugs me from behind and asks: “Don’t you recognize me, father?” Some rosy-cheeked citizen in front of me, no, I don’t recognize. “And then you gave me communion, and the Lord did not let me die, left me to live ...” I only spread my hands in bewilderment: “Wonderful are Your works, Lord!” He is still alive, I hope he will live with God until freedom.
8. Pop and Jew
The drilling rig has been working for a month, but there is still no water. They invited the father, suddenly he will help. They served a prayer service, helped, the water went. The director of the service station says: “We take, father, your car“ on bail ”! And the priest on the old Zhiguli became a frequent guest at the station.
There was a guy who worked there as a manager. Cheerful, sociable, universal pet. And our father did not bypass "attention", sometimes releasing "blasphemous" jokes. Although later he approached and conscientiously asked: “Didn’t you offend - I’m a Jew, I’m an unbeliever. “There are no unbelievers,” the priest answered slyly, patting his interlocutor on the back ...
Years passed, the Zhiguli broke down, the priest came, the Jew joked, the Lord did His own ... Our Jew met a beautiful girl. He lost his head, he calls blue-eyed to marry. And she is a confessor of the Orthodox faith, and boldly he said: “Why do I need you,“ non-Christ ?! Disappointed unbeliever. Began to read the Bible. Yes, and calls the priest, they say, there is an important matter. And the father immediately said to him: “Is there a godfather?” He was taken aback: “How do you know that I want to be baptized?” The priest replied: “Firstly, a Jew, and then…” The Savior came for you, and then he called us, the Gentiles, to salvation.
Soon our Jew was baptized, married with a blue-eyed woman, and their children were born. The “Zhigulenok” batyushkin was melted down in open-hearth furnaces long ago, and now they see the “Jew” on Sundays in the temple. The father now hears pious jokes and beams, rejoicing, because “In Christ there is no Jew, Greek, slave, or free” ...
9. According to your faith ...
A woman and a girl entered the temple. They asked the father. "How can I help you?" - called the priest who came out of the altar? "Would you christen my daughter?" the lady asked. “And how old are you, girl?” - "Sixteen". The priest told how to prepare for the sacrament. The girl began to attend the temple and was baptized six months later.
After baptism, Tanya did not forget the way to the temple. She began to climb the kliros and soon began to regent. The church is the house, the house is the church. And so for more than ten years. Mother began to grumble: “You are under thirty, but you live like a nun. It's time to get married. Leave your church!"
But Tanya was not going to quit. She asked and waited - the only one that God had prepared for her by faith. And he "came, he saw, he conquered." There was no more solemn wedding in our parish. They will have a baby soon. The spirit goes where it wants.
10. Not holy pots are burned
My parents were ordinary people. They lived for forty-five years together an amazing life full of goodness. My brother and I warmed ourselves in their love, and it poured over the edge of our house, gathering many good people under the roof. Sometimes it seems to me that it is not always worth disturbing God: you should learn to work miracles yourself.
Magazine "To the Right", No. 1, 2014
“I asked many brides to describe to me the ideal man, and they enthusiastically described to me ... the ideal woman,” says the American researcher. Men and women are built differently. The reason for many family quarrels is that we expect the impossible from each other. Especially during the grinding period, which is replete with unpleasant discoveries ...
How to reach your neighbor? How to find the strength to love when you want to kill? Those who have these difficulties already behind, argue: everything is not so bad. And they give good advice. For this, in fact, the editors of the "Otrok" turned to Archpriest Nikolai Mogilny.
Sometimes after the wedding, in practice, it turns out that the ideas about the family and the expectations from the family of the spouses are very different. It seems that women are especially painful to part with their dreamed-up scenarios of an ideal family. We watch romantic films, read books about love, great and beautiful, analyze the experience of other families, think about raising children ... Many involuntarily stage some kind of “brave new world” of the future family, and after the wedding comes personal Hiroshima. Can disappointment be avoided?
I think charm is inevitable. A normal girl, just regaining consciousness, dreams of marriage. That's why marriages happen, because of some charm of premarital age. It is interesting that how a girl perceives marriage is how it should be. Only to achieve this state, of course, it is far from possible immediately.
It is true that people say: if you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. We are imperfect. Our dreams often stray far from the commandments of God. After all, God wants to save each of us, and therefore He will do a lot so that, having cleansed ourselves of worldly dreams and hopes, we direct our gaze to heaven. Marriage is a very favorable tool for this. In it you, whether you want it or not, you learn what humility is. Here, besides your passions, there are also the passions of your wife, mother-in-law, children, even neighbors. You will have to take care of everything, feed, take care of cars, rags ... This is a constant exercise in humility.
We are thinking about plans for the future because we are not ready to give ourselves into the hands of God. We do not want what He gives us, we stubbornly want our imagined happiness. But this invented happiness cannot ride on one wheel, cannot be stable. Therefore, God destroys it.
I note that it is especially dangerous to impose your “plans” on God when choosing a spouse. Having fallen in love, sometimes in the most incredible circumstances, a person begins to beg from God: “Give me him (her), give!” Sometimes God will give... And then, having united with this desired object, you understand in horror: it's not right! The Holy Fathers say: "The requested cross is unbearable." A Christian should pray like this: “Lord, Thy will be done. Send me a man to love him, and to love me, so that we can create a strong family. Create, mind you, and not get immediately at the exit from the crown.
- And how to create a strong family?
The foundation must be based on the right idea of what a family is. Most of the problems begin already at the level of understanding the meaning of marriage. One of his tasks is to destroy our sinful tendencies. Marriage is necessary for us to mature spiritually.
In the sacrament of the wedding, the priest circles the couple around the lectern three times - this is a symbol of a long life's journey, and the crowns above the heads symbolize the martyr's crowns - this means that life is associated with torment, sorrow, tightness. Conflicts of interest will arise daily in marriage, marriage is always associated with deprivation. Even in small things. Let's say the couple are having dinner together, and now he has a decisive match, she has the last episode of her favorite series. After all, some of them need to give up their pleasure, to be able to enter the inner state of another person. The one who will say is smart: why do I need this football, the main thing is that the wife has peace in her soul, then there will be joy in the family ...
For this daily stress, many are mentally unprepared. It will be hard for those who marry with such expectations: "He will carry me in his arms, drive me along the beach in a jeep and feed me strawberry ice cream." What is the crown for then? For nail polish?
In marriage, you need to tune in not to receive, but to give. My late confessor on the threshold of my marriage said golden words. “If you want to enjoy marriage, go crazy - better not get married, you will be an unhappy person. But if you go into marriage to serve, you will be happy with any woman. Maybe these words sound unconvincing to others, as they were said only to me, at that moment. They touched my heart... It's like in a navigator: if a route map is drawn, then even if the battery runs out, you already know which direction to go. When I get dissatisfied, I mentally return to these words and ask myself: do you serve? Or do you want the whole world to be imprisoned for you? And another family motto was given to us by the father. “If you want peace in the family, follow this rule: let it be whatever you like, but not in my opinion.” Sounds like a call to suicide, right? After all, self-denial, the destruction of one's desires, aspirations, is almost suicide.
The task of the lover is to try to understand what the beloved needs and make him happy. When you learn how to make another happy, when you learn how to give, only then will you know what happiness is.
Faced with the first difficulties of family life, young people ask - how do I know if I'm wrong? And in general, is this my "half"?
There is only one answer: if you are standing in the temple in wedding attire and it is said over you “crown them with glory and honor”, then this is your husband, this is your wife. If you crawled to the wedding and God combined you, there can no longer be any doubts. God does not give trials beyond our strength. He arranges marriage where we can change something in ourselves and in our neighbor.
And if we talk about doubts before the wedding ... Marriage is always a pig in a poke. We are, to be honest, hypocrites. In public, we are alone, but with loved ones ... At work, we politely smile at everyone, and growl at our parents at home. Marriage will bring everyone to clean water.
If you specifically look, there will always be something that can confuse us in the chosen one. That is why the advice and blessing of parents is so important here, which in our time, alas, is often neglected.
Separately, I will say about one circumstance that a girl needs to pay attention to. If the chosen one, as they say, “looks into the glass”, or if he is a drug addict, although he says that he is a former one, addictions of this kind can be fatal for a marriage.
There are girls who boldly think: "I will change him." Does he want to change? You don't foresee this. There are pathologies in medicine that are incompatible with life. There are also people who have damaged their nature... Of course, there are miracles in the world. But what is a miracle? This is a violation of the laws of nature. Initially, counting on a miracle in this case is stupid.
And if without pathologies, in the average case. Some women at first hope that a man in the process of family life is able to change. Maybe we should not build illusions?
Of course he can. Marriage is designed to change our damaged nature. Spouses are helpers to each other in this matter. But only by love can we change each other, only by meekness and humility. Love can do incredible things, it can change the worst criminal.
Just do not dream of a high ideal. We want a saint to be next to us, but we can’t even imagine how we, in our sinful, passionate state, will suffer with him. It is important that spouses grow up together, develop together.
We should strive not to make others better, but to become better ourselves. And to argue about whether we can improve someone is already a mistake. We must improve ourselves.
Husband and wife come to their union from different families, from different universes. Each house has its own gnomes, and what is normal in one family will be a bomb for another. The principles of communication with the outside world, ideas about duties, the acceptability of certain forms of expression of feelings ... How to come to terms with this discovered difference?
Yes, when two egoists meet on the same square meters... Besides, male nature is one thing, female nature is another. But this is the secret of marriage: if the spouses make peace between themselves, this difference begins to work for them. What is the potential difference? To the movement. For example, electric current is the movement of electrons from "plus" to "minus". Spouses must learn, as Exupery said, not to look at each other, but in the same direction. We must complement each other through our difference.
Initially, my mother and I are completely different people. And for seventeen years of family life, everything happened. But just recently, we were talking with her about the fact that if we ran away in our difficult moments, we would not have “rowed” to this victory; we wouldn't have this current bunch of relationships. After all, true love is like wine: the older you get, the richer the taste... This is a fantasy, this is the secret of marriage, when a person becomes very dear to the limit, each of his cells is dear.
- Is it acceptable to discuss family problems with third parties, be it parents or friends?
Not allowed in any way. Son-in-law offends daughter - on whose side will the parents be? Of course, this is a cute daughter. At the same time, parents forget that they themselves experienced the same periods of grinding. Wise parents do not intervene, but only say: “Bachili eyes, what they bathed ...”
Of course, sometimes I would like to express. But the desire to wash dirty linen in public, as a rule, is where there is no dialogue. All emotions and claims must be expressed to each other. And yelling, throwing dishes, maybe even better than chronic reticence. If people quarrel, this is a sign of indifference. But such quarrels are a closed, private affair. And do not injure your parents, their storms are already behind them, their nervous system is already worn out ...
Yes, you can understand: when a person is hurt, he screams. But speaking badly about your loved one behind his back is, in a sense, a betrayal. You need to keep your family safe from this. By the way, they don’t tell others about good moments (someone else will need such a good husband). They complain when the cauldron boils... However, as for friends, an intelligent person does not really believe what is said in anger. It is the same with each other: what is said in anger is all a lie. Anger is madness, madness. When two people fight, their goal is to hit hard. And the fight passed, the sun appeared in the sky of family life - and both are already ashamed, and you understand what a fool you are, what a fool you are ...
- And if a quarrel occurred, the war dragged on and is experienced very painfully?
It is not necessary to deepen the conflict, to switch to drastic measures - to deprive the husband of lunch, and the wife of car keys. Try to always remain people in relation to each other, strive for peace. And remember: if my neighbor does not want to humble himself, I must humble myself.
At the heart of our claims is often elementary ingratitude. I thank God that once a week I have the opportunity to visit the prison. A few doors - and you find yourself in a completely different world. Here a person does not belong to himself. For ten, fifteen, twenty years he has been thinking about his relatives from behind the fence... When I return from the colony, I am surprisingly satisfied with everything at home, including my wife, children and mother-in-law.
We are all looking for something - not enough, not enough for a person. And we need to learn to be grateful for what we have. If God combined, build with what you have.
What is the talent of a sculptor? He takes a stone and sees a beautiful image in the stone, in 3D. So it is in marriage. Human life is creativity. And in the kitchen - creativity, and driving a car - creativity. The family is also creativity, and if you don’t initially treat it as some kind of burden, but start serving, creating, someday you will get a work of art. One day you will realize that God built this house with your hands. And you yourself acquired wonderful qualities during the construction - patience, first of all. You yourself have improved by this work, under the guidance of God.
Someone will say: I do not have pedagogical inclinations to consciously build a family. The Apostle James writes: if you do not have wisdom, ask God, He will give wisdom. But you can't build. You can not sit still, you need to move, strive.
It is clear that spouses should strive for trust, openness, and being friends. Such relationships are not given immediately, they must be built. However, the eternal female “talk to me”, “what are you thinking about now?” and other family-building methods often backfire.
If the wife is set up for dialogue, one must not forget to feed her husband first. And build a conversation in such a way as not to point out its shortcomings, but to talk about what hurts you. Men do not perceive high decibels, an increased tone is an annoying factor in which a man closes.
Even very right things need the right moment to be said for good reason. Always remember that anger does not create the righteousness of God. In anger you will not be heard. The husband came drunk, did not understand anything, and the wife, of course, could not wait to express what was sore. But what kind of disassembly can there be in such a state? Let him sleep, wait until he comes to his senses, give him a pickle, a kiss - and only then say ...
So you want, for example, to lure a squirrel - are you going to yell at her? "Redhead, come to me! Near!" No, what are you doing? Without sudden movements, so as not to frighten, you put a sweet nut - and she is on your shoulder.
The golden rule of dialogue is to talk only about your shortcomings. We usually begin as a clarification: “And you! ..” And let's go ... This is not constructive. It should be like this: “There are things that offend me. If you want, we can talk." And if the person is ready, then say: “You know, it was unpleasant for me when you complimented such and such.”
But the question is: are you ready for such a dialogue? After all, here you need to expose your grievances, which means you need to become vulnerable. What if he then always will do it, out of spite? We are so afraid of being offended, offended. This is pathological cowardice, which is looking for its own comfort, and such a person is like a hamster: he ate, hid in a tyrsa and sits in a corner ... What kind of dialogue is there. You don't have to hide, you don't have to keep yourself.
And yet, even if the conversation took place, you opened up and seemed to be heard - be prepared for the fact that everything will happen again, and more than once. We do some things due to the peculiarities of upbringing, but we simply do not attach importance to something ...
- That is, there is nothing strange if the grievances are spoken out, and the situations are repeated?
We will all let each other down more than once. Such is the person - otherwise there would be no such queues at confession. We all sin with the same sins repeatedly until we ask for true repentance.
You spoke so interestingly about how to properly communicate with your husband. But it seems that it is easier for women here, but men are less sensitive by nature, in conflict situations it is more difficult for them to find an approach to their spouse.
We must always be ready to say sorry. For a woman, this can be a huge problem. It means to obey, to say “yes, lead me” ... I know from experience: in family quarrels, no matter what I say, I will still apologize later.
A proud woman after a quarrel "bulls" to self-destruction. But we sometimes forget that a woman, for all her harmfulness, is a very fragile creature. And the only way to a woman's heart is tenderness. When a woman feels that she is loved, she is capable of anything. Only love, only affection can reach her heart. When she feels that she is loved, her ears are open, her heart is open, she will gladly do what she refused to do five minutes ago.
What is the main female claim? Not an unnailed nail, not scattered socks. "You do not love me!" - that's the main problem. She must feel that she is loved - that's what needs to be stored, created, and the rest will simply follow.
There is another moment. A woman always says “no” to all your ideas first. And not because he doesn't want to. She wants to be asked. When a normal man hears “no,” it means “yes” to him.
When my wife said she would never drive a car... It sounded like a face to me. Then I stopped the car right on the highway, put it in the driver's seat ... And everything is fine, it has been driving for seven years. I just found an approach, pushed the boundaries of her consciousness. A woman should do the same with a man. We can change each other. Yes, it's an effort. Yes, you will hear "no". But behind this "no" you need to see the horizon of possibilities.
In many families there is a problem of male initiative. For example, a wife is active and punchy, she has achieved a lot in her life herself. For her husband, she came up with and built a modest but stable business. The husband obediently performs his functions, but only within the framework set by her, he does not strive for anything, everything suits him. In personal relationships - also only her initiative. But she also wants to be a woman, not a "project manager." She is unhappy...
I think this woman needs to thank God for such a husband. If he had been proactive, she would have suffered from other things - that she looks at other women, drinks fire water, works in such a way that she is just a small detail of his life, five minutes a day. There is always something to be grateful for.
Why are these words in the New Testament: “Wives, in everything obey your husbands”? The Lord, knowing woman's nature, seems to say to the woman through the apostle: "only when you submit, you will be happy."
The wife complains about the helpless husband. Yes, there is a problem. The problem of our entire society. The man became effeminate (as a rule, such are the men who were raised by one mother), and the woman turned into a man, and we will not reproach her for this: she is forced to survive without a man's shoulder.
But often a woman herself does not want to part with her dominant status. Did she give her husband the opportunity to open up? Did it help him get established? Does he have the right to vote in the family, is he respected?
However, even if a woman really made every effort, but there is no result, let her thank God for such a husband as she is. So, this is exactly what she needs. In marriage, each bears his own cross. There would be another - I would walk, festival, but she would not know what to do with such an enterprising peasant ...
Solomon said, "A good wife is a gift from God." A woman can do everything, although a wise woman knows how to remain in the shadows. If you look closely, behind all the great achievements in history is a woman - a mother, grandmother, wife, sister. Take at least the Baptism of Rus': Vladimir baptized, but what would have happened without the eminent grandmother?
The trouble is if we consider each other as partners, assistants, sponsors. The most important idea of marriage is to give love. Even children are not the point of marriage. His goal is to teach us to love, to give, to change our neighbor with our love.
- Thank you, father. I hope you have inspired readers to work on relationships...
What grows easily? weeds. If you want something good to grow, you must definitely work. In marriage, you constantly have to stoke - so that the fire of love does not go out, toss firewood. This must be closely monitored.
Interviewed by Anastasia Romantsova
Archpriest Nikolai Mogilny is the rector of the Church of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the village of Kotsiubynske, Kiev-Svyatoshinsky District. Leading "youth team" in the Holy Trinity Ioninsky Monastery. Has been married for seventeen years. Father of eight children.
Official information that the Kyiv diocese will begin to prepare young people before marriage was announced at a meeting of the clergy on December 28, 2015. What kind of courses they will be, who will teach them and what, said the organizer - Kiev priest Nikolai Mogilny
Imagine that a driver's license would be issued just like that. You do not know the rules of the road, you do not know the design of the car, you do not know how to drive it, but you have a desire to drive, and only on this basis you are immediately issued a driving permit. That would be a crime, wouldn't it?
Why are they not let out on the road without training and exams, and young people go into life together without the elementary necessary knowledge?
For example, in Poland there is a special program for young people, and marriage is not registered until they complete family courses.
In our country, despite the fact that the institution of the family is practically destroyed, no one deals with this problem - neither the general education school, nor the colleges, nor the universities. Even in religious educational institutions, this is not paid attention to.
It turns out that young people do not know the elementary rules of the relationship between husband and wife. Until the beginning of the 20th century, these relations were regulated by an established social order: in families, knowledge was passed down from generation to generation. Yes, and thanks to Orthodoxy - a culture-forming religion - people lived and "breathed" the Gospel. And the Scriptures contain quite a lot of instructions for both husbands and wives.
But a revolution broke out. The woman was expelled to work, the child was torn away from her, handed over to a nursery. As a result, over 70 years of atheism, there was literally a catastrophe.
Today in Ukraine we have about 70% of divorces - and these are only those people who "crawled" to the registry office and registered a relationship. In Poland, this figure is about 35%, in Israel - 10%. Why? Because, starting from childhood, a boy is taught there how to be a husband, and a girl is taught how to be a wife, how to build relationships in the family.
What is the idea of Kyiv church courses for those entering into marriage?
In Ukraine, there is Adrian Bukovinsky, Doctor of Philosophy, who has been dealing with this problem for about 20 years. He developed a special program, it has recently been accredited and supported by the Cabinet of Ministers. It was he who we invited to participate in the creation of church courses.
What is the purpose of such an initiative? So that those people who want to get married understand themselves: what they want from relationships, how they see these relationships. In particular, it is planned to talk about the differences between women's and men's worldviews, about character traits, habits and views that prevent the creation of a family.
In short, the courses will help a person decide whether he is ready to start a family, whether he can make another person happy / happy.
After all, what is often the preparation for marriage? We sew dresses and suits, prepare a table, butcher a pig, and so on. And in the morning the newlyweds wake up and do not know how to live on.
Archpriest Nikolai and Mother Victoria Mogilnye,
parents of 8 children
It is worth mentioning that many, if not the majority, have some kind of idealization of marriage. People do not think about the fact that marriage is, first of all, service, self-denial, that true love does not seek its own. By creating a family, two people - a man and a woman - turn into "one flesh." This is an absolutely incredible combination of two different personalities into a single whole, and it is clear that it is fraught with difficulties, misunderstandings, and so on.
The program assumes to devote time to such aspects: premarital preparation, preparation for the conception and birth of children, anti-crisis program, preparation of the parents of the newlyweds. Because out of 70% of divorced marriages, 40% break up due to the fact that parents interfere in the relationship of the young. Therefore, it is necessary not only to teach young people, but also to suggest to the older generation how to treat their grown-up children.
In what form will all this take place?
So far, it is assumed that a cycle of 15 lessons of 1.5 hours will be held 4 times a year. Depending on how it will be convenient for people, classes will be divided into a month or two.
The first group will be recruited at the end of February this year.
At the current stage, the specialists who will conduct the classes have been trained. Now the idea of the courses is being formalized in the form of a concept.
At the moment, the prototype of such courses, however, so far only for women, are meetings in the sacristy gallery “The Miraculous Icons of Athos” (Yaroslavov Val St., 1). Every Wednesday at 19:00, within the framework of the movement "Between Us", there are thematic frank conversations on topical women's issues.