The problem of adolescent manipulation. What to do if a child manipulates parents? Psychologist's advice What to do if a child manipulates

Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the child who is going through it, but also for parents. Adolescent behavior is often unsettling and justifiably annoying. A particularly unpleasant story is manipulation. Understanding how they are made

The main types of teenage manipulation and ways to deal with them

Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the child who is going through it, but also for parents. Adolescent behavior is often unsettling and justifiably annoying. A particularly unpleasant story is manipulation. We understand how they are arranged.

Manipulation- this is a hidden psychological impact on a communication partner in order to achieve beneficial behavior from him.

Let's look at the causes, the main types of teenage manipulation and how to deal with them.

Why is a teenager manipulating?

Recall that one of the most important tasks adolescence- learn to make independent decisions and be responsible for them. The growing child must become an adult, and often you have to win back your independence and independence.

But sometimes the solution to this problem is understood by a teenager as a desire to do what you want.: going out late, staying overnight with friends, not going to school, playing computer without measure, and so on.

It is important to point out that independence and responsibility are two necessary components for the development of a teenager. So there must be a certain degree of freedom. There should be areas of responsibility that you can completely entrust to a teenager, give him at his mercy.

At the same time, we must not forget that the boundaries of what is permitted are also the most important condition for development. And it is important to designate and defend these boundaries, it is necessary both for the teenager himself and for all members of his family.

Only parents or significant adults who are engaged in education can mark the boundaries. It is important to identify and agree on the consequences in connection with their violation. Rules should be reasonable and age appropriate.

Teenagers do not always want to comply with the boundaries of the discussed agreements; this age is characterized by violations of norms and rules. Sometimes the desire to be an adult is understood as “doing what I want”.

In order to achieve their goals, teenagers resort to different methods. One of them is manipulation in a dialogue with parents, an attempt to get parents to behave in a way that is beneficial to them with the help of emotional influence. It is important to detect in time that you are being manipulated and not fall into this trap.

How to detect that you are being manipulated?

The main assistants here are your feelings, because they act as markers of what is happening.

Manipulation evokes the following feelings:

Shame

A teenager seeks to "shatter" the parental position, to provoke a sense of shame. As a rule, expressions are used like: “Vasya’s parents allow everything ...”, “Lena can share everything with her parents, and they understand her ...”, “Tolya has complete freedom, and I’m like in prison ...“, “You don’t do anything you know, completely behind the times…” and so on.

The emphasis is on someone doing a better job of parenting. The utterances are intended to evoke feelings of shame, which is one of the main tools for manipulation.

Fear

Messages of this kind are associated with a threat to the safety of a teenager and parental inability to influence this. “Now I will leave and will not return…”, “If you don’t let me in, I will run away…”, “If you don’t give me money, I will go and steal it…” and so on. The goal is to create a feeling of anxiety or fear, which is an excellent tool for manipulation.

A parent is willing to do anything to keep their child safe and at risk.

Guilt

Messages from this group are associated with causing strong feelings of guilt. Each person will always find many reasons to experience guilt in front of their loved ones. For example, insufficient material well-being (“everyone has the latest smartphones”), divorce of parents, the fact that parents work hard and spend little time with him, that the school where he studies is not good enough, and in general - “Everyone has normal parents, not like you.

A strong sense of guilt is a good tool for manipulation. When a parent feels guilty, he is ready to go forward on many issues against his will.

Anger

A universal feeling, like all the previous ones, is accompanied, among other things, by anger and irritation. But there can be such a strong feeling that it is almost impossible to endure. I want to stop it as soon as possible.

As a rule, it is caused by long and persistent demands or “whining”. When a teenager does not stop, and does not stop, and continues to insist or “beep”. It is important that this happens for quite a long time and one gets the feeling that it is impossible to hide or get away from this.

Powerlessness and helplessness

The above feelings often give rise to a feeling of powerlessness, “hands down”, the parent gets the feeling that he is not able to influence anything.

To cause impotence in a parent is to achieve a goal, because a helpless parent is no longer able to insist on his own and limit the teenager in anything.

How do you deal with a teenager's manipulation?

Notice your feelings. P Remember that feelings are markers of what is happening, they will allow you to notice the beginning of manipulation in time. Understand the mechanism of manipulation.

Remember that everything is hurtful and not too pleasant words and actions are just a way for a teenager to achieve his goal.

Do not use manipulations in a dialogue with a child - in this way you teach him dishonest methods of behavior.

By personal example, teach your child to honestly and in an adult way to build a dialogue, to be responsible for words, agreements, rules . Analyze - manipulation of which feelings most “effectively” works with you - feelings of guilt, fear, etc….

It is important to understand why this is happening. , this understanding will allow you to become more resistant to manipulation.

In any case, remember that you don't have to be a perfect parent! No one is perfect, including you, and this is not a reason to break the rules and behave with you as you like..published .

Have questions - ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

Each family is arranged in its own way: it has certain rules of the game and children must accept them. But it happens that children try to set their own. Parents, without noticing it, follow their lead. This is how manipulation comes about. What to do if a teenager manipulates parents: the advice of a psychologist will help answer this question.

An attempt to quietly control other people's feelings and behavior is manipulation. This is a “workaround”, with the help of which a teenager tries to get his own, in the case when he does not want to directly voice his desires or does not know how.

If adults succumb to such manifestations of character, then meanness, hypocrisy and cunning are brought up in the child over time. Most often, those who lack attention and care resort to this method of influencing parents. Teenagers manipulate their parents for several reasons:

trying to attract attention and get their portion of care;
to hide their wrongdoings;
trying to get what you want.

How teenagers manipulate their parents:

through tears and whining;
speculation - "If you love me ...";
blackmail - "I'll tell my mother everything ...";
threats - "I will leave home ...";
comparison with other children - “Everyone can, but I can’t”, “No one does homework for tomorrow”;
setting mom against dad or vice versa;
deception;
symptomatic depression.

Let the situation take its course

The child must understand the need to find a compromise, the ability to negotiate, and not beg.

Tormented by guilt

If you do not succumb to tricks, this is not cruelty - this is a necessary part of the educational process.

Screaming, swearing, using physical force

These actions are a manifestation of parental weakness, which is unacceptable in the upbringing of a manipulator. It is necessary to address your son or daughter in a respectful, explanatory, and not pointing tone. Authoritarian notes in the voice cause an internal protest and a desire to do it out of spite.

Read lectures and lectures

It is necessary to clearly articulate your position and strictly stand your ground, instead of indulging in long tedious lectures.

Demand from the child what the parents do not do themselves

Personal example - the best way education. If dad smokes, it will be difficult to explain to a teenager that it is bad. A mother who does not constantly maintain order in the house will not teach her daughter to clean up after herself.

Impose your opinion and limit everything

A prerequisite is the provision of the right to choose in some matters. Moreover, the older the child, the wider the range of such questions should be.

Throwing words and not carrying them out

Children very quickly get used to when nothing happens after the “last time” warning. And they stop responding to it.

Educate each "in his own way"

In order for both parents to have authority over a teenager, it is necessary to have a single method of education. If the mother cancels the punishment of the father or vice versa, the child will not obey anyone.

Let the feelings and needs of adults be ignored

It would be nice to become not just a parent for the child, but a real friend: to communicate on an equal footing, ask for advice, ask his opinion. It's a pledge harmonious relations parents with children. An atmosphere of mutual support and understanding is created in the family.

If a teenager is trying to manipulate, first of all, parents need to analyze their own behavior and pay attention to the relationship with the child in the family. After all, parents lead by example. Parents also learn to manipulate.

What to do if a child manipulates parents, mom and dad should know. After all, this happens quite often. This is a natural situation of development. AT younger age children simply do not have another opportunity to force and convince adults to act as they want. Therefore, it is not worth scolding them for this, it is much more important to be aware of what they are doing and avoid a direct reaction to their threats, tears and lamentations.

Cry. The most famous way to control a parent is to cry. Such a system developed by itself, when at a younger age children began to be pitied and appeased if tears appeared in their eyes. Somewhere from 2-3 years old, the child begins to use crying as a form to beg and force adults to do something. It's one thing when he sobs uncontrollably from a bruised place, another when he runs after his parents, sobbing and whimpering.

Hysterics. The child sensitively picks up the weak points of the parents, and if he understands that screams, crazy hand movements and howls upset mom and dad the most, then he starts to do it in the right situations. Children do not know how to experience shame and embarrassment. These feelings appear at an older age, and therefore without problems in public places. If this happens from time to time, then the kid put tantrums on stream.

Attachment. Toddlers quickly figure out what adults melt away from. If a parent smiles touchingly at words of love from a child, then this will not go unnoticed for him, and it is possible that next time he will say this in order to make adults feel sympathy for him. The same goes for hugging and kissing. If this is manipulation, then the child, in response to the parent’s phrase that he still won’t get what he wants, will quickly push mom or dad away and run away.

Parent competition. Children know for sure that no matter how much mom and dad love each other, they always compete with each other, and therefore, with a categorical answer from mom, they go to dad, who, it is possible, will do the opposite. They can also, having received a gift from their mother, show off to their father so that he tries to be better than her.

Cold War. If they refuse to do their usual things all day long, argue over clothes, food, sleep and every little thing - there is their dissatisfaction and an attempt to get an important concession or thing from the parent. This manipulation is connected to starve out the parent, exhausting him with endless, as it were, correct discussions about why he should go to sleep and so on.

Resentment. Pouting or mannered unwillingness to talk is an obvious attempt at manipulation to get what you want. This is what children aged 2-5 often do, trying to hook a parent for pity and indulgence to their demands.

Causes of manipulation

Adult people achieve their interests by trying to argue their point of view and taking responsibility for the result. Toddlers have limited opportunities in this regard, because they try to push through their desires, using not logic and their strength, but emotions.

The emotional world of a person is imperfect. All our feelings of experience, character traits reflect human attachment and inability to survive on our own. It is naturally difficult for people to part, experience failures, hurt someone, make someone suffer. The child takes advantage of this imperfection, subconsciously offering parents a deal: "You do what you want, and you get positive feelings: joy, peace, my happiness, and so on." Parents who are emotionally dependent and have a hard time extracting positive experiences from other adults and the world around them are the quickest to buy this deal.

Therefore, the reason for the manipulation is not only that the child is small and naturally wants to gain control over his parents, but also that moms and dads see no other way to enjoy life than to please their child. Also, sometimes parents misinterpret pedagogical recommendations to take care of their child and seek to indulge all children's desires, taking at face value all their tears, tantrums, kisses and words of love.

What to do

Children manipulate their parents consciously and unconsciously. Unconscious manipulation is when the mechanism to achieve one's own has not been worked out. The child is really sick, very upset, offended or depressed by the rejection. His emotional reaction is, of course, a sign of manipulation, but he does not wait good result but only expresses his emotions. Conscious manipulations happen in children when they do the same tricks many times and, moreover, hone their technical skills: cry harder, howl louder, keep silent longer, argue more elegantly. In this case, it is worth taking some measures. Here is a short list of how to deal with the problem:

Learn to say "no" and be assertive. A child must have limitations in order to grow up. The psyche is so arranged that it always wants something and works on the principle of “yes”. Therefore, the violent reaction of a small child to a refusal by a parent is normal. Another thing is that you need to endure it and convince the child to do it his own way. The child grows up only by learning and recognizing prohibitions.
Recognize that his behavior is normal. Manipulation is the natural behavior of a person who is limited in his abilities, who does not want or does not know how to take responsibility. Children do not know how to be responsible and still cannot, because they want everything and always, and if they could do without a parent, they would have done it long ago. Therefore, it is not worth being scared of their manipulations and worrying that this is abnormal. It is important to be able to convey the consequences of the child's desire and fulfill their reasonable requirements.
Don't argue. The child's tactic is to exhaust the parent, so it's wise to avoid all sorts of tedious dialogue. If the child has been arguing for more than 10 minutes, then the reason for all this is the same - to bring the parent to the point that he gives up from fatigue. Therefore, if a clear “no” is said, then the argument should be short and without lengthy arguments about this.
Don't change your mind. Of course, to always be like a flint, this strategy is dangerous. It does not build confidence in the baby and makes him inflexible in his own life, but also changing his mind under the pressure of a child is an even worse option. A parent must have a few "golden" rules that cannot be deviated from and which he strictly adheres to. They should not fall under any childish emotional pressure. In addition, it is worth having “silver” rules that can change, but not significantly. And all other subjective requirements that are set according to the situation and which can be discussed with a son or daughter.
Discussion with children. It is important to educate the child by constant discussions with him about the rules of behavior about what is good and bad. Before the children, it should crystallize why it is worth doing this way, but not in another way. All such discussions should be held in a calm environment, before the child is taken to blackmail, tears and threats.
Study yourself. The personality of any person is imperfect. Therefore, do not forget about self-development and improvement of your behavior and beliefs. This is especially important if the parent tends to merge excessively with the child, living only his life or when, on the contrary, he is cruel and dry. Indeed, in general, succumbing to manipulation is a sign of emotionality and humanity. Living solely on logic is not realistic. A child grows up when he learns not only to follow logic, but also knows how to manage his feelings, and not just avoid them. And if you do not succumb to the emotional impact of the child at all, this is to educate his aloofness and shame him for imperfection.
Learn to take responsibility. Request differs from manipulation in that children do not think about the consequences of their desires. As a result, they omit the parent's argument and continue to demand. In order for the child not to constantly slip into manipulation, he must be prepared to start thinking about what will happen if his wishes come true and what he will do with it. While he is small, such conversations are meaningless, but with age he needs to be entrusted with deeds, duties that would help him realize his actions and capabilities.

What comes first: the dog or its tail? The question is not from the realm of being, but about the authority of parents in children. Has your child ever pulled a rope out of you? Or maybe you just did not recognize the tactics of your child? How to stop the attempts of the "tail" to wag the whole "dog" or what to do if the child manipulates the parents?

Diaper manipulators

Every child is wise! He may be naive, but the fact that he is an excellent psychologist is obvious! Children remarkably feel their parents, and especially skillfully they manage to “understand” their mother. How else? For nine months, the baby was a part of her, and at the cellular level, he “permeated” both her fears and boundless love. Therefore, he knows how to manipulate his mother remarkably! What is psychological manipulation in the family?

Manipulation is the tactic of influencing one person on others in their own selfish interests, and this tactic, as a rule, is implicit, hidden.

Often, every parent at least occasionally, but uses this tactic in relation to children:
“Do you want me to buy you ice cream? Then behave yourself in the kindergarten!
"Do you want to play on the computer? Do your homework!"

Is it bad to be manipulative? In everyday life, people are more likely to encounter negative manipulations, therefore “manipulation” is often identified with deception, forcing a person to make a decision that is unfavorable to him. A skilled manipulator, as a rule, acts in such a way that his manipulations are perceived positively, or are carefully hidden and the “victim” does not even know that he is acting in the interests of another person. With regard to the child on the part of the parents, this is sometimes necessary, but when everything happens the other way around, this is wrong.

“Of course, children are not born manipulators, but they are diligently “molded” and created from ordinary kids, literally introducing them by the hand into the manipulative world of modern humanity,” says Shostrom Everett in his book “Manipulator Man: An Inner Journey from Manipulation to Actualization”. . - Children receive their first lessons, of course, from their parents, who are already a finished product of our manipulative society; children are still a semi-finished product.

Manipulation does not give its object a choice. The choice offered by the manipulator is always a win for him and a loser for the one to whom the tactic is applied. Therefore, mutually beneficial cooperation is always preferable to manipulations. But the children's psyche is not yet ready to go for it, children usually choose the open tactics of manipulating their parents.

Dictator or slobber?

Tantrums, tears, extortion, aggression or ostentatious helplessness are the most common tools for children to manipulate their parents.

Evgenia, the mother of nine-year-old Gleb, shares: “My son always gets what he wants from me. He knows how to catch the right moment, to expose the situation in such a way that it is beneficial to him. Throw a tantrum in a public place? Easy. After all, she knows that I am ashamed to be in the eyes of others a greedy and evil mother. I understand that I’m following him, but I can’t do anything. ”

Shostrom offers the following classification of types of manipulative children:

"Little slobber" - such a child behaves like a helpless, weak and unloved creature. He always feels bad, cannot do elementary things on his own, forcing his parents to perform duties for him. His weapons are tears, weakness. Such a child is not lazy, no! He is cunning. This is a little fox, who quickly learned that “diseases” and complaints can work wonders: mom, regretting, will do everything herself.

"Little Dictator" : Unlike the first type, this type does things differently. Adults “walk along the line”, because if something does not suit such a child, he achieves his goal by stamping his feet, grumbling, angry, offended.

"Sly Freddie" . So the psychologist called the type of child-manipulator, who is somewhat close to "slobber". From birth, the sly one understood that tears are what gives the attention of adults. He is loved and pitied as soon as the first teardrops shine in sly eyes.

"Cool Tom" , - not a fan of crying, instead of tears he has a different tool - a cool temper. Such a child pushes and bullies, calls names and fights. From an early age, he realized that hatred and fear are what make people submissive. Quite a tiny "Tom" is easy to recognize already by preferences: not soft bears and cubes, but pistols and knives - these are your favorite toys. Such a child does not recognize authorities, and at school he has a hard time, as, indeed, those around him.

"Karl the Winner" - this is a special type of small manipulators, combining both "Fredy" and "Tom". Often such children are the younger families, who are always forced to live in some kind of competition: to succeed at all costs and prove their “adulthood”.

Of course, this division is very conditional, but take a closer look at your child: does it remind you of anyone? Or maybe you do not know how to recognize manipulation?

Manipulating or needing love?

How to understand that this is manipulation, and not a need for attention?

In which families are children more likely to manipulate adults? As a rule, in those where dad and mom are insecure, they constantly ask themselves the questions “Am I a good parent?”, “Am I doing everything right?”. If parents constantly feel guilty towards their children, this creates the conditions for inconsistent parental behavior. Yes, yes, not only children should behave correctly, but also their dads and moms! Otherwise, the child has the opportunity to play on parental feelings.

When the situation of the child's behavior becomes systematic, and not only the trick itself is repeated, but also the facial expressions, gestures of the child, but as soon as he gets what he wants, the behavior returns to normal - manipulation is obvious.
When does a child try to manipulate parents consciously? Usually after a year and a half, when the baby begins to realize himself as a person.

From one and a half to three years is the most dangerous period in which manipulators are formed.

Toddlers are especially empathic and intuitively feel the emotional state of loved ones.
Children's manipulation may vary depending on the age of the child. So, the baby manipulates crying (not always the sobs of the crumbs - this is a desire to eat and a signal of pain), and the preschooler rolls on the floor or pretends to be sick; school-age children can act slyly, and soon the manipulation is mutated into blackmail, simulation, or flattery. By the way, more mothers are led to flattery than fathers, and the situation with the fox and the crow is repeated again and again.

Valentina, mother of thirteen-year-old Erika, says: “Erika has always been an affectionate girl, but soon a cunning was added to the caress, which I did not immediately recognize. She started from afar: she sat next to me, hugged me, started a conversation about how much she loves me. “You know, mom,” she said once, “her parents give Ksyusha and Olya money, for fives.” I also began to encourage her in small amounts. Soon my daughter began to extort a new phone, citing the fact that Olya was bought for winning the Olympics. And when Erica won the intra-school stage, I bought a phone. And then the requests became higher - a fur coat, a computer ... Although she studies excellently and without gifts "

Children's manipulation is dangerous not even because parents follow the child's lead, but because it is a serious setting for the future, turning into a habit, manipulation of parents will develop into manipulation of a large number of people and become a way of life. It is difficult for such people to build trusting relationships, look for friends and love. And the slightest “failure” in a well-thought-out system can cause a matured manipulator serious mental trauma, up to psychopathy.

How to return the "dog" the right to wag the "tail"?

How to save a child from the desire to continue to manipulate loved ones? First of all, you need to forget about pity! This does not mean that it is necessary to become indifferent or cruel! Replace pity with love and understanding. And then - with each type of manipulator, it is worth choosing a special line of behavior and sticking to it, observing patience and not crossing the border of pity.

If the “Little Slobber” has settled in the house, and his helplessness and slowness again and again force his mother to pull tights on him and lace up his shoes, because the child’s hands hurt or he wants to sleep, you need to set clear time limits. You can use counter manipulation: “If you don’t have time to do this, we won’t go for a walk!” If, “digging”, the child is delaying time in the hope of not going to kindergarten, he needs to be made clear: he will go to kindergarten anyway! Even if it's late. It is especially important here that the child understands: parents will not back down from their word. When dad said that he would not allow playing the console if the toys in the room were not removed in half an hour - it means that neither plaintive requests, nor tears - nothing on the part of the manipulator should make the parent's heart tremble.

It is worth doing the same with the “Sly Freddy”, and react calmly to tantrums. Do not forget that in this case, hysteria is not a manifestation of resentment, but a theater in which the audience is dad and mom. Deprive the actor of the "public", and he will quickly calm down, and later, when he realizes that tears do not fulfill desires, he will stop wasting energy on tantrums. But be careful: "Sly" can change tactics!

You can put the "little dictator" in his place by showing that the rules of conduct developed by his parents are above his requirements. And it is useful for "Cool Tom" to explain that his anger and aggression do not scare you. Reward the child if he speaks about his requirements directly, without veiling them in complex psychological tactics. But calmly explain why this request cannot be fulfilled now.

Sometimes children hurt themselves by trying to draw their parents' attention to their demands. So, kids often beat their heads against walls or floors, bite themselves. Some deliberately induce vomiting by sticking their fingers deep into their mouths.

Galina, grandmother of three-year-old Serezha: “When my grandson was brought to visit me, I wondered why the bruises on my forehead never go away. She sinned that his parents looked after him badly, but they assured - this is how Seryozha manipulates them! What manipulation, he's a baby! But one day, I forced the baby to go to sleep, turning off the cartoons, Seryozha began to beat his forehead on the floor! I was very scared and confused.”

What to do so that the child does not injure himself, but also not to follow his lead? The main thing is to remain calm and unflappable. Knocking forehead on the floor? Offer him a pillow. Seeing that the mother indulges his desire to hurt himself, most likely, the child will simply stop beating himself. If the “fight” continues, hold the child close to you, calm it down, and then continue to do what you wanted without satisfying the requirements of your “fighter”. It is clear that when the “tail” hurts, the “dog” also gets sick, but here it is better to “endure”.

There are a lot of tips on how to stop children's attempts at manipulation. But blindly following them is dangerous. Do not forget that a child is a person, it is wrong to radically change his character. And sometimes manipulation can cause a lack of parental attention. A child manipulates parents sometimes only because their love is not enough for him.

Don't lose your temper.
Try to say less often "you have to" and make sure that the child has a desire to say: "I will."
Do not fall for provocations, even if the grown-up manipulator blackmails by leaving home or suing.
Make your own manipulations hidden, the child should not feel that he is being manipulated by his parents, otherwise the roles will soon have to be reversed.
Never show that you love other children in the family more than a little manipulator. Don't compare: "He behaves better than you."
Teach your child to be kind!
Spend more time with your child, but remember that it’s not the quantity that matters here, but the quality: even if it’s only half an hour of spending time together, they should be memorable.
And remember that even the most capricious child should feel your love.

“I believe,” E. Shostrom expresses the opinion, “that as an analogue of mutual manipulation, which both children and parents resort to with equally variable success, it is worth developing a new philosophy of discipline.”

Being parents isn't easy. Do not forget that you and your children are in a certain way the same age: the "experience" of the parent began to be developed simultaneously with the birth of the child. Therefore, it is necessary to support each other, to understand, to “grow together”.

What it is?

Manipulation is an implicit, hidden tactic of influencing the psyche of others in order to achieve the desired. Everyone does it in one way or another. At work in a team, in the salon of public transport, in the subway, in the family. Moreover, without exception, all ways to manipulate “legs grow” precisely from the practice of family manipulations, that is, from childhood. Experienced manipulators have reached impressive heights in this!

Parents often manipulate their children: “Should I buy you a chocolate bar? Then put away the toys!”, “Do you love me? Then go with your grandmother to the dacha!”…

Children learn the art of psychological influence almost from birth, they also have excellent teachers - their own mom and dad. Even if parents try not to be manipulative, there is no guarantee that children will not different ways"blackmail" their ancestors. By mastering this art, they, by and large, learn to be more successful. Manipulation is important to recognize as quickly as possible and take action, otherwise negative consequences can't be avoided.

How to recognize?

Often children's manipulation of victim-parents is like a lack of love. Try not to confuse.

You are a 100% victim of a young manipulator if:

You don't have a choice. The options proposed by the manipulator are illusory, they always play into the hands of only him. The victim always loses.
If you are not sure if you are a good parent and do a lot of trials, often change tactics in raising a child. Cunning children (and they are all without exception) quickly “catch” your timidity and inconstancy and begin to play on guilt.
If a child repeats the same situation often, and in it exactly reproduces his facial expressions, words, gestures. Remember, this is manipulation!
If parents increasingly have the feeling that they are "driven into a corner."
If every time from a small problem (for example, put on pantyhose in the morning, going to Kindergarten), the kid arranges a whole performance. If the ritual is repeated every day, this means only one thing: the young manipulator is trying to establish his control over the parents (example: the child does not want to go to bed, and every evening he demands that they bring him a drink, open the window, turn on the night light, then bring him to drink again. And so several times.This is most often - not a thirst and not a need for fresh air. This is an attempt to delay needed sleep. Manipulation.

When do children start to manipulate?

This ability is formed at the age of 1.5 to 3 years. Babies perfectly feel the emotional state of their parents, especially their mother, because the baby has a long-standing relationship with her - from birth and even 9 months before it. It is on their mother that kids usually begin to hone their manipulator skills. Dads are less affected.

Some psychologists are of the opinion that babies under 1.5 years old do not know how to manipulate. Another part claims that the crumbs manipulate perfectly with the help of crying. According to personal observations, I can say that babies do not always cry from hunger, cold or pain. There are times when they just scream. They call their mother because they are bored, they are in a bad mood. And what is it, if not the very first manipulation?

Older children, who have already mastered the psychology of relationships and the simplest methods of influencing the parental psyche, pretend to be sick or roll on the floor in hysterical attacks in order to achieve what they want. Teenagers in general can openly blackmail.

Why do kids do it?

They are not yet able to cooperate on an equal footing. Manipulation in this case replaces them with partnerships with adults.
They want to have a "magic wand" - a way that always works, by which they will achieve everything they want.
They want to be bigger and more important.

What methods do children use?

Hysterics("weapon" of a wide spectrum of action - from whining to a seizure).
Feigned helplessness“Mom will do everything herself, because she will certainly take pity on me.” Children complain that they cannot put on shoes, get dressed, that they are tired, they have a headache. Often this method is used when they do not want to go to kindergarten.
Pretentious militancy. This method is chosen by a manipulator with character. He tries to influence others with fights, quarrels. Usually a calm child can suddenly become a real terrorist if he really wants to get what he wants.
Disease or its simulation. If the baby has firmly learned that mom and dad are ready to do everything for him when he is sick, then this can be used for personal purposes. He will demonstrate weakness, complain of headaches, voluntarily go to bed and even drink potion, because after that his parents will definitely allow him more than usual, buy a cherished toy and sweets.
Flattery. This method is quite common. Before asking for something, the baby will say compliments, hug, kiss the parents. But do not flatter yourself, he went to flattery to get what he wanted.

Effects

If manipulations are not stopped in childhood, indulged in them, follow their lead, the child may grow up with incorrect, “unhealthy” attitudes for the future.

Manipulation will become so firmly embedded in a person’s character that it is difficult to predict what he will be ready to go to get what he wants, for example, at 30 or 40 years old. The number of victims of the manipulator will grow with him.

Agree, it is very scary to deal with an adult, experienced and cunning manipulator. Most people are able to recognize manipulators, they feel them with a sixth sense, intuitively, and try to avoid them. Therefore, it will be extremely difficult for such matured psychological "terrorists" to build friendly relations, start a family, and get used to work collectives.

If a manipulator has been able to make people “dance to his tune” since childhood, and one day a well-functioning mechanism of influence suddenly fails, this can turn into a real disaster for the manipulator himself - a collapse of life values, severe depression and even psychopathy. And this is a difficult and unpleasant diagnosis.

How to stop?

Now I will say something very unusual for loving parents thing - you need to forget about pity! Learn to distinguish between pity and mercy.

The first is destructive feeling. It does not benefit either the one who pities or the one who is pitied. Mercy implies understanding, responsiveness, love and understanding of the reason for what is happening. We stop feeling sorry for the manipulator and gain strength and patience.

If you already know for sure that you are being manipulated and have been able to determine with our help what type of manipulator your child is, time choose tactics of behavior with him:

Slow and helpless Always looking at you with pitiful ingratiating eyes, you need to call for independence and set strict time limits for them. “Do it yourself. You can put on your own shirt. And you have 15 minutes to do it!”. Gently use the counter manipulation - "you will not have time to get dressed, we will have to postpone the trip to the zoo." The main thing is your determination and inflexibility. Tears and a plaintive look should not make your heart tremble. The crybaby must be taken on by the whole family so that none of the household members change their mind in last moment and did not go towards the whining "blackmailer".
With children whose favorite tool for manipulation is hysterics, Nordic calm must be maintained. Calm. And once again calmness. This is difficult, no one argues, but only in this way can the manipulator be able to understand that the situation cannot be improved by tantrums, that that method does not work. But be careful - tantrum-prone guys are usually very smart and labile, they can quickly change tactics to another.
A bully and a bully who manipulate with fights and quarrels needs to be put in place. Show them that you are not afraid of them and no one is afraid. The fighting spirit will begin to wane.
With imitation disease everything is pretty simple. The child began to complain, go to bed and hint, like Carlson, that “a jar of jam will definitely save the sickest person in the world”? Call your doctor right away or make an appointment at the clinic. Is always. after any complaint. Here your conscience will be clear: either the deception and manipulation will be revealed, or the disease that actually exists can be treated at an early stage. Children, for the most part, cannot stand doctors and medicines. Therefore, the child will stop manipulating quite quickly.
The most dangerous manipulators are those who start doing it in a public place. It is more difficult for parents to keep calm and not go on about. But it needs to be done. A firm and categorical "No!". And no more explanations and beliefs.
Emotional blackmailers- also not a simple category. Their favorite technique is to sigh heavily: “Nobody loves me here. You don't need me, why did you give birth to me? They masterfully push their parents with their foreheads. Especially if the couple is divorced. If something was forbidden by one, then the second, in response to heavy sighs, will most likely give in and allow it. Agree with your husband (wife) about the unity of intentions. So that the "no" of one of the parents never becomes a "yes" from the other. Especially if you are divorced.

Encourage direct expression of your desires. If you cannot give what the child is asking for, say your “no” directly and firmly and justify why the child’s request cannot be fulfilled now.
In the process of releasing from the actions of the manipulator, do not allow the personality and character of the child to be crippled. He is what he is. And fundamentally it cannot be changed.
The most cruel manipulator is a teenager. He may even threaten to leave the house. It can and must be endured.
Try not to be manipulative yourself. Instead of: “If you clean up, I’ll buy ice cream,” you can say: “Let’s clean up, and then eat ice cream together?”.
Do not compare children in the family."Look, he's behaving well, why are you like this?"
Let the child always feel that he is loved.
Don't start the situation with manipulation stop it as soon as possible.
Do not apply physical punishment to the manipulator. This will not give the desired result, and the relationship will be ruined completely.
There will be many quarrels in the fight against manipulation. The main rule that you must learn yourself and instill in your child is that you always need to make up before going to bed!
Teach your child to respect parental needs- Mom is also a person, she can get tired, need silence. And so joint modeling is postponed to a later time.
It is extremely difficult for parents to deal with feelings of guilt. Remember that children can manipulate guilt too.
It is important for parents to stop being manipulators themselves, at least on the family front. The most common marital tools to achieve something are silence, a sudden departure "to live with a friend or mother", a spree. Familiar? Then it's time to learn to trust and express your desires openly.
Psychologist's advice
Manipulation by parents