"On the same wave. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships by Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks. On the same wave. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships

To all those who at least once felt at ease in the company of unfamiliar people. Who thinks that relatives and friends do not understand him. For those who have any kind of addiction (from cigarettes and food, to alcohol, gambling and others), and for everyone without exception, even for those who think that everything is wonderful in their life - this book will help you sort out your ( close people) problems and better understand their behavior. And if you have any difficulties in communication, then this book should become your desktop. And now I will explain why.
What is the difference between a book on psychology and a book on photography or, say, a book on how to make money on a frog circus? Answer: psychology is a universal science and to understand it means to understand oneself. And if you ask me, what is the success of good literature on psychology? I will say this: good psychologist and a real professional in his field will never give dry facts and describe generally accepted rules, and even more so, focus on the fact that a person is to blame for his problems. Amy Banks and Lee Hirschman, in their book "On the Same Wavelength", give not only facts, but also examples from life. They not only describe the rules by which certain interpersonal interactions are carried out, but also tell why this happens and how our brain behaves in certain situations.
Why this particular book and not some other? Our society has recently been undergoing major changes in terms of communication: social networks, remote work, distance learning. Along with technological progress and scientific achievements, we have received uncertainty in personal contacts, we have forgotten how to communicate with each other, look into each other's eyes, listen. We personally drove ourselves into a shell from which it is so difficult to get out. We have erected walls not only in houses, but also between people. The main concept of the book "On the same wavelength" - there are no boundaries between people! Of course, the authors largely rely on the American model of life, which is based on healthy competition and leadership in everything: stronger, higher, bolder, smarter, more beautiful, richer, etc. But lately we have seen the same trend. We have already raised a generation of businessmen and leaders who, however, cannot even spend a day without social networks.
This book will tell you:
on four neural pathways for healthy relationships
about the rules of brain development
what is dopamine and why we are its hostages
you will learn about the abilities of the brain, which were not known before
find out who is responsible for developing relationships
why holding back temper tantrums is good
what connects physical pain and the removal (exclusion) of a person from any social group
what threatens the condemnation of other people and actions
and much more.
Plus, you will be asked to evaluate your own personal relationships, look at them from different angles and provide options for solving problems, if any.
Let me tell you, it was interesting to read. The abundance of neurolinguistic terms sometimes drove me into a stupor, however, the examples given after them put everything in its place. What was really missing were the illustrations. Here they would be very appropriate here. To show how and in what part of the brain certain processes occur. Where is the "intelligent vagus nerve" and much more.
I really liked the small experiments that can be done at home, the mirror system definitely works.
In short, the book helped me look at my relationships with loved ones from a different angle. I was interested in methods of working on improving relationships. I understand that nothing happens here and now, everything needs time. One thing I know for sure is that if you or the people you care about need help, then start now at least with a book.
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“Changing the nature of relationships literally changes the minds of the people who support them.”

If you feel the need for healthier, more mature relationships, and if you want to let go of old patterns of relationship building that bring you pain, use the recommendations of the authors of this book on developing neural pathways and reconfiguring them to actively interact with others. With the help of practical tools based on the experience of modern neuroscience, you will “tune” your brain to deep relationships, master communication skills, forget about loneliness and become happier. Published in Russian for the first time.

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The following excerpt from the book On the same wave. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships (Lee Hirschman, 2015) provided by our book partner - the company LitRes.

Jamie and Alex for the love and joy that fills my life

Borders are exaggerated

A new look at relationships

Borders are exaggerated.

If you are in need of a healthier, more mature relationship, want to let go of the old patterns of relationship building that bring you pain, are tired of feeling emotionally detached from the people you spend time with, intend to develop your inner world, then first question the idea of the existence of a clearly defined boundary between you and the people with whom you most often communicate.

People who talk a lot about such boundaries tend to have the following beliefs:

If you have a strong sense of self, you shouldn't care what other people do or say to you.

How do parents determine that they have achieved success? When their children are not dependent on them.

close friends and real love This is for the young. As you get older, you naturally move away from people.

You should not feel the need for others to complete you.

You wouldn't have so many problems if you stood on your own feet.

The main idea of all these statements is obvious: the need for other people is an unhealthy phenomenon, therefore, under no circumstances should you be influenced by their feelings, thoughts and emotions. The above statements are meant to have an emotional impact on you. You may have noticed that they sound somewhat disapproving and judgmental. They make me feel uncomfortable; reading them, I feel like I'm standing under a spotlight, and someone is pointing a finger at me and says: "You ruined everything and it's entirely your fault".

The ideal of absolute psychological independence dominated the minds of mental health professionals for most of the 20th century and still holds our culture by the throat. Even if all these boundary statements are painful, chances are they sound familiar and even obvious to you. Obvious!

Perhaps I should not have said that this is not true and that it is good to be dependent on someone, or that our mental health is directly dependent on the people with whom we share our lives, or that emotional growth can only be achieved if when we are deeply attached to the people around us, and not removed from them.

But that is exactly what I am saying.

This book presents a different approach to understanding emotional needs and what it means to be a healthy, mature, adult person. New area scientific research, named by me relationship neuroscience, showed that in the human body there is a kind of innate system that consists of four main neural pathways and allows us to maintain an emotional connection with other people. In addition, according to the neuroscience of relationships, detachment from people negatively affects neural pathways. The result is a cascade of neurological reactions that can lead to chronic irritability and anger, depression, addiction, and chronic somatic illness. We are not healthy enough to rely solely on our own strength, besides, the human brain is designed to function within the framework of warm human relationships. How to realize your personal and professional potential? By maintaining strong relationships with partners, friends, colleagues and family members. Only in this case, neural pathways receive stimulation that allows our brain to become calmer, more tolerant and more productive.

The good news for people who aren't very social is that you have the ability to repair and strengthen four neural pathways that have been weakened by a lack of strong connections. Relationships and the brain form a virtuous cycle, so strengthening your neural pathways and rewiring them to actively interact with others will help you form healthy relationships that are essential for your mental and physical health.

Many have realized the importance of relationships since the publication of the results of a study conducted at the University of Parma in 1998, which confirmed the idea that we are literally created to communicate with other people, right down to the structure of our brain.

Your feelings, my brain

It was one of those unexpectedly discovered successful scientific errors that might well have gone unnoticed if it had not been noticed by an astute researcher. When the team of University of Parma neurophysicist Giacomo Rizzolatti began their now-famous experiment, no one planned to study interactions between people. In fact, Italian scientists were mapping a small area of the macaque brain known as the zona F5. At this stage of neurological research, it was already revealed that the neurons in the F5 area are activated when the monkey reaches out to get an object.

On a normal working day, Rizzolatti, while in the lab, suddenly noticed something unprecedented. When, being in the field of view of the monkey, in the F5 zone of which the microelectrodes were implanted, he reached out his hand to get something, the electrodes in the F5 zone of the monkey's brain were activated.

Don't forget that by that time it was already known that the F5 neurons fired if the monkey was trying to get something.

Note that the monkey did not hold out my hand, but only watched the movement of the hand researcher.

It seemed incredible. During the experiment, scientists proceeded from the fact that neurons responsible for actions and neurons responsible for sensory observations are two different groups of neurons. According to this point of view, sensory neurons receive information from the outside world, while motor neurons direct actions. So when the F5 area, known for its association with physical activity, activated in a monkey's brain, just observing behind someone's actions, it clearly contradicted such a belief. It seemed that the monkey brain and the human brain were somehow synchronized. Moreover, these two brains were as if combined, as if the physical movement of the researcher took place inside the monkey (1).

Continuing the experiment, Rizzolatti and other neuroscientists found that the human brain also has a mirror image effect. In other words, you understand me by performing an act of internal imitation, that is, by letting some of my actions and feelings into your head. Ask a friend to vigorously rub their hands as you look at them. Chances are good that once his hands get warm from the friction, you will feel the warmth in your hands too. After conducting an experiment with monkeys, a hypothesis was put forward about the presence in our brain of mirror neurons - nerve cells responsible for imitating other people. Most scientists no longer talk about the existence of special mirror neurons, declaring instead a mirror system that spans the entire brain, the tasks of which are performed by a number of brain regions and neural pathways. The copycat effect (explaining why your hands get warm when your friend rubs their) occurs because the neural circuits in your brain copy what you see and hear. Nerve cells in the frontal and prefrontal cortex (the ones that fire when you plan to rub your hands and then carry out this plan) begin to fire. At the same time, neurons in the somatosensory cortex (the area of the brain responsible for bodily sensations) fire up and send you signals of friction and heat. At the deepest level of the brain, you rub your hands, even if they don't actually move.

In fact, this process goes far beyond simply displaying the actions of another person. Your mirror system is made up of neurons that are able to "see" or "hear" what someone else is doing. It involves neurons from other parts of the brain in the process of providing you with information not only about sensations and actions, but also about emotions, which allows you to create a complete, detailed picture of what your counterpart is experiencing. That is why you almost instantly capture the emotions of others. When you watch me rub my hands, your brain can read the excitement on my face, demonstrating how the mirror system works. Eventually you you can get upset yourself. If you have ever smiled in response to the smile of a complete stranger, or if your partner's hidden tension has made your heart beat faster, this is the action of the mirror system. This emotional contagion occurs through a neural pathway that is essentially able to pick up another person's emotions and replicate them within you.

When I invite groups of people to experiment with rubbing their hands, two types of reactions usually follow. Some are astonished, as if they had just seen themselves pulling a rabbit out of a hat (neurological connection with other people seems like a miracle to them). Others immediately declare: “This is creepy!”

I understand why this is happening. You have been taught all your life that your mind is a small castle surrounded by a high, thick wall designed to keep your thoughts and feelings inside, without letting anything in from outside. Therefore, you may be confused about the power of the mirror system. In fact, its discovery calls into question some of the traditional assumptions about the structure of our brain and body. Vittorio Gallese, a neurophysiologist at the University of Parma laboratory, describes the role of the mirror system in human interaction as follows: “The mechanism of the neural network is involuntary, allowing us not to think about what other people are doing or feeling, but simply to know it” (2) . UCLA psychiatry professor Marco Jacoboni, in his book Mirroring People, takes this idea even further, arguing that the mirror system helps us “understand our existential state and interaction with other people. [This suggests that] we are not alone, but biologically designed and created by evolution in such a way as to be deeply interconnected” (3) .

The impression of interaction with each person remains in my nervous system. I literally store this contact in me as a neural imprint. The next time you hear someone say to you, "Don't let others influence your emotions," remember the mirror system, because we don't really have a choice. For better or worse, we are influenced by those around us, and we are not divided, as psychologists once believed.

Maturity takes on new meaning

When I say that the importance of boundaries is exaggerated, it does not mean that they do not exist or that humanity is one big uniform lump of brownish-beige. Also, I am not suggesting that anyone give up their individuality in order to fit into some group in which to maintain pleasant communication. No psychotherapist I know would approve of giving up their beliefs, preferences, and idiosyncrasies out of a desire to be part of a well-functioning (but faceless) whole.

In fact, for many decades, psychology has moved in a different direction, based on the assumption that the only way to develop a person is through emotional separation. According to the separation-individuation theory, most actively promoted by Margaret Mahler in the 1970s, we begin the process of separation during the first six to seven months of life when we realize that the person who cares for us is different from us. The separation-individuation theory says that the rest of life passes in full accordance with this discovery. At the accumulation stage practical experience, we supposedly go through a process of separation in which we try to first crawl away, and then get away from our mothers, and then return to them back. At the stage object persistence we develop the ability to store in memory an abstract image of the mother. This means that we are safe and can dare to move away from our mother, thereby developing our independence. As children of school age, we become more aggressive in trying to satisfy our personal desires. During puberty, we further move away from our parents, forming our gender identity and entering into intimate relationships with peers. What is adulthood? It is a continuous process of improving the ability to stand on one's own two feet, to alleviate one's suffering and solve one's problems on one's own. At each stage, the boundary separating us from other people becomes stronger and clearer. Separation-individuation theory has been discussed in thousands of books and dissertations, but here's how to formulate a brief conclusion: in order to develop, we must increasingly move away from people. A fully mature person may enjoy interacting with others, but in reality does not need in them. The essence of such a person is determined by stable boundaries, within which he is a self-sufficient individual.

Even before the discovery of the mirror neuron system and the discovery of further evidence for the existence of a biological basis for connections between people, some experts in this field wondered if the separation model had gone too far. As a result, a group of progressive mental health experts formed in the 1970s. Psychiatrist Jean Baker Miller and psychologists Judith Jordan, Irene Stiver, and Janet Surrey noticed that their patients did not suffer from weak boundaries and lack of independence from others. What they really suffer from is a lack of communication. Judith Jordan has this to say about this: “The self-separation model was erroneously based on the assumption that we are naturally motivated to create stronger boundaries, gain power over other people, and compete for limited resources. Interdependence helps us understand that human beings thrive in relationships that enable both parties to develop and contribute to forming a beneficial bond with each other”(4) .

This approach to relationships allows us to present the various stages of human development, identified in accordance with the theory of separation-individuation, in a more favorable light. When a child crawls away from his mother, he does not try to separate himself from other people. On the contrary, he expands his world of relationships, moving towards more the number of connections, and big world and its inhabitants before returning back and enjoying the companionship of the mother. A baby who has just begun to walk and has learned the essence of object constancy does not seek to escape from his mother. The formation of a mental image of the mother allows him to be with her wherever he goes. The child develops the skill necessary to maintain relationships, regardless of time and distance. When school-age children interact with peers and make mistakes, they learn to manage relationships. Adolescents push the boundaries of their relational worlds even further. They discuss intimacy and learn how to be part of a group without giving in to peer pressure. The basis of the new interpretation of the process of age development is the following statement: people do not reach maturity through separation. On the contrary, they form increasingly complex relationships. This approach to human development has its own name: relational cultural theory. As an aspiring psychiatrist, I have found it to be more effective than any other (including the separation-individuation theory) in helping people heal and develop. For twenty years I have applied relational cultural theory to solve the problems of patients and the disconnected world in which they live (as we all do).

There are several common ideas in separation theory and relational cultural theory: in order to be healthy, you must understand who you are, what your thoughts and feelings are. You must be aware that other people also have their own thoughts and feelings and that you need to differentiate yourself within certain relationships. However, according to the theory of separation, you learn about all this only in order to separate yourself from others. You can still connect and be part of a community, but your role as an adult is defined by your ability to manage everything that happens to you on your own. Such a psychology emphasizes the role of the defensive stance, as you constantly set and defend your boundaries, fearing the intrusion of other people's emotions and problems. In fact, this is how Freud understood the essence of life: “For a living organism, protection from stimuli is perhaps a more important task than the perception of stimulus” (5) . Sad, isn't it? Separation theory says that there is always a wall between you and those around you.

But according to the relational-cultural theory, there are no walls between people. Good relationships are fertile ground for the development and prosperity of people. A good relationship with your parents provides you with a sense of security and helps you connect with others. Through good relationships with peers, you can understand who you are, practice empathy skills, and master the ability to communicate. As you master the skills of forming relationships with other people, your need for them also increases.

Relational-cultural theory does not view people in terms of the boundaries separating them, but perceives relationships rather as conjugated rings of a conjurer, forming a single set, but not closed in a rigid configuration. They can move away and approach each other, or temporarily connect and intersect (this is where the magic lies). The same thing happens when you watch someone rub their hands and feel warm in your hands, or when you sometimes feel like you are in the other person's body, finishing sentences for them or feeling their sadness. This definition of relationship is flexible and dynamic. You meet, you feel each other, and then you move away again in order to assimilate what you have learned. Relationship maintenance is a dynamic process of acquiring, assimilating and integrating knowledge in order to gain a deeper and clearer understanding of oneself and another person.

Jean Miller often used the wonderful descriptive term “relationships that stimulate development,” which conveys the right message: relationships in and of themselves are not an end in themselves. While they can indeed become a safe haven, their role is not limited to this. They help you and the other person develop, understand yourself, increase your self-esteem and performance, and create a need for more communication. In the language of Jean Miller, a relationship that stimulates development creates a special interest in everything you do. In such a relationship, you are not underestimated, suppressed, and you do not hide from problems. Relationships that stimulate development are the direct opposite of the forced erection of walls and the strengthening of loopholes. Instead, you are constantly making connections with others and becoming a more developed, mature person.

So, many years before I started my research on mirror neurons, I used relational cultural theory to treat my patients. I didn't want to give young people in trouble the standard advice to "separate from their parents and stop relying on their emotional support," and we looked for ways to stay connected to the biological family as we built our adult lives. Instead of telling people with temper tantrums or chronic irresponsibility that they need to learn self-regulation skills, we chose the strongest relationships and worked on developing new emotional skills in a risk-taking environment. Sometimes I met people who were in a very difficult situation. difficult situation, whose social circle was limited to one or two violent relationships. On these occasions, together we looked for an opportunity to cut those ties and gently, slowly build a relationship that opened up prospects for acceptance and warmth. From this starting point, we continued to work that allowed them to grow, develop, connect, heal and move on. I also developed, not wanting to distance myself from patients. While the separation-individuation therapist sees it as his job to help patients become independent, I have formed authentic relationships with them by sharing my worries and feelings while expanding my emotional system. Within the framework of such a relationship, both my patient and myself developed. This is how the relational-cultural approach works. One of my clients had the following to say about this: “Relational therapy was different from my previous treatment, where I was treated as if I were a person with no real relationship with the therapist. During the course of relational therapy, we worked together. The therapist went out of her way to connect emotionally with me. I saw and felt her attention and care.”

Healthy relationships = healthy body

Clinically (according to my private lab) this approach has worked. And I wasn't alone: my colleagues at the Jean Miller Training Institute at Wellesley Women's College were taking the same approach with similar results. Patients who came to us as chronically ill (those who go from one therapist to another without any improvement) made progress in treatment and began to enjoy genuine partnerships. Those under stress became calmer; those who were rejected trusted others more; those prone to violence developed empathy, while the emotionally drained energized.

In each case, we have received enough evidence of the effectiveness of our approach to continue to apply it. On a daily basis, we have watched people develop through relationships, instead of shielding ourselves from them. We were just as inspired by the amazing evidence that good relationships improve health. Such arguments would be enough for a whole book. And pioneering cardiologist Dean Ornish, in his book Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy, does dedicate hundreds of pages of research and reflection on the subject. Here are some important points:

Researchers in North Carolina determined the impact of social support on the lives of 331 men and women aged sixty-five and older. After taking into account risk factors such as age, gender, race, economic status, nutrition, physical health, stressful life events, and smoking, the researchers found that among participants in the experiment who considered social support insufficient, the rate of premature death was at 340 percent higher than among people who were quite satisfied with the support provided to them (6) .

Yale University researchers studied coronary angiograms (allowing to determine the presence and degree of blockage of the coronary arteries) of 119 men and 40 women, concluded that patients who said that they “feel loved” were much less likely to have arterial blockages than other participants in the experiment. These patients have even fewer cases of blockage than people who have a wide social circle but do not receive much support from loved ones. This finding held true even after scientists accounted for genetic predisposition to heart disease, as well as risk factors such as age, hostility, smoking, diet, and exercise (7) .

In a long-term study that began in the 1940s, male students at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine filled out a questionnaire that assessed how close they were to their parents. The experiment involved 1100 completely healthy guys at the time of filling out the questionnaire. In a real organizational feat, fifty years later, researchers found these students and studied information about them. It turned out that students who had been diagnosed with cancer over the past period had a less close relationship with their parents compared to those who were not diagnosed with this disease. Interestingly, male students' poor relationship with their father was the strongest predictor of cancer. In this case, the findings were independent of other known cancer risk factors(8) .

In the 1950s, Harvard University students (healthy male students) were surveyed about their relationship and closeness with their parents. In addition, they were asked to describe their father and mother. Thirty-five years later, when these people reached middle age, 29 percent of those who spoke well of their parents had some kind of illness. However, among those who had poor relationships with their parents and who described their mothers and fathers in a negative way, the incidence rate was 95 percent{9} .

Try to understand the results of these studies. Healthier the cardiovascular system. Fewer cases of cancer. Better health in middle age. And 340 percent lower premature mortality. These are compelling arguments in favor of the fact that good and strong relationships with people are important not only for emotional but also for physical health. When I was a child, the government was very concerned about cases of poisoning of children who, out of curiosity, drank household chemicals. To solve this problem, they came up with poisonous green stickers with a picture of Mr. Yuk, who looked like he was throwing up. Parents stuck them on bottles of dangerous chemicals throughout the house to send a clear warning signal to children who have not yet learned to read. I've often thought that we need an equally strong signal to adults about the dangers of social exclusion. Why aren't there special brochures in the emergency rooms with a picture of a skull and crossbones and the inscription: "Social isolation can kill you"? There is no shortage of evidence supporting the truth of this statement. Perhaps such a clear signal would curb our compulsive need for independence.

Plan C.A.R.E.

At the time that Jean Miller and her colleagues at Wellesley College were working on theories about human development, there was no technology that could see what was happening in the human brain when isolated or connected to others. Like all other researchers of that time, this group had to rely solely on external observations. But in the 1990s, such technologies appeared. Advanced brain scanning technologies to see how the brain functions in real time, as well as a number of discoveries, such as the ability of the brain to grow nerve cells even in old age, have led to new conclusions about brain activity and the emergence of new areas of scientific research. In 2000, neuroscientists were intensively studying brain activity in the context of relationships. The knowledge accumulated since then has helped expand the scope of relational-cultural theory. The new science refutes the old notions of separation and individuation.

The neuroscience of relationships shows that people cannot achieve their full potential in the absence of interaction with others. Let's take a mirror system as an example. For it to function properly, you need to "see" other people (in an emotional sense, understand and respect their feelings), and they, in turn, need to "see" you. Without such initial information, it is more difficult to correctly perceive others and feel close to them. There are other neural pathways that are fueled by good relationships. Other systems use input from good relationships to help our brains prevent stress responses, think clearly, and enjoy life without resorting to harmful or addictive behaviors. (The next chapter discusses these scientific findings in more detail.)

It should be remembered that we still do not know everything about the work of the brain and relationships. And as always, we can only work with the knowledge that has been accumulated before. However, my current knowledge has allowed me to find a way to discuss with patients how to use relationships as a tool for development and healing in order to feel happy, manage stress, experience less anger, overcome compulsive shopping, overeating and drinking, and make other changes in your life. In addition, this knowledge formed the basis of a plan that combines relational psychology and neuroscience, which helps people make all these changes.

I have already said that good relationships make people feel calmer, more tolerant, more resonant, and more productive. Each of these four benefits of a healthy relationship is directly related to specific neural pathways through which you can experience all four sensations.

Calm. Feeling calm is partly regulated by a neural pathway in the autonomic (autonomic) nervous system called the intelligent vagus nerve (intelligent vagus). When you experience anxiety, your primary brain tries to engage in the process, and if it takes over, the decisions it makes are far from in the best way affect relationships. In the presence of strong connections with other people, the intelligent vagus can reduce the stress response and prevent the primary brain from taking control of what is happening. You become healthier, think more clearly, and have a creative approach to problem solving instead of succumbing to temper tantrums or running for your life. However, if you are isolated from others, your intelligent vagus nerve may be in a state that neuroscientists call low tone. And in this case, the primary brain is able to take control of the situation. In the short term, this leads to relationship problems, and in the long term, it is fraught with the development of chronic stress, illness, depression, and irritability.

Adoption. Feeling of belonging to social group arises as a result of the correct functioning of the dorsal zone of the anterior cingulate cortex (dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, dACC), the role of which is displayed in theories of superposition of physical and social pain. Its authors believe that social exclusion causes physical pain. Unfortunately, a person who often experiences feelings of social isolation can develop a dorsal anterior cingulate cortex that is highly responsive to social pain, causing them to feel rejected even when people are kind to them. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were lashed out by a person after a completely seemingly harmless and friendly address, such as: “Listen, you look a little tired today. Are you all right?" Then you know what an overactive dorsal anterior cingulate cortex is.

Resonance. Resonance with other people (that feeling that arises among friends who understand each other perfectly) is formed through the mediation of the mirror system. As I said before, the sensations of other people literally leave an imprint in our nervous system. If mirror neural pathways are weak, it is difficult to read others or even give signals that allow them to read. you.

Energy. Energy is a consequence of the work of the dopamine reward system, functioning in those parts of the brain that are responsible for relationships. Initially, a well-thought-out mechanism for improving life was laid in a person, which still exists. By engaging in healthy, developmental activities, we are rewarded with a release of dopamine, which activates the entire reward system and causes a wave of euphoria and a surge of energy. The elated effect that occurs after the release of dopamine is one of the benefits healthy lifestyle life. Water, a balanced diet, sex and relationships with other people stimulate the production of dopamine. It was a simple and ingenious plan...until casinos, malls and opium dens came along. Sadly, if people don't truly enjoy relationships, they turn to less healthy sources of dopamine, such as shopping, drugs, or compulsive sex. By using them often enough, people can rewire their brains so that dopamine pathways are no longer related to relationships. In this case, even if there are excellent relationships, some people will not enjoy them.

Calm. Adoption. Resonance. Energy.

Each of the four paths forms a feedback loop. Include good relationships in it and it will strengthen the corresponding neural pathway. Strengthen the neural pathway - and your relationship will bring you even more pleasure. Each of the paths contains many areas where you can intervene and activate the entire system.

This book describes a program that I have named C.A.R.E. - in the initial letters of the four benefits of healthy relationships (calm, accepted, resonant, energetic - “calmness, acceptance, resonance, energy”). C.A.R.E. program is a book version of the work I have been doing with clients for the past fifteen years. This program helps to treat certain disorders of the nervous system caused by social isolation or chronic emotional withdrawal. In addition, it allows you to form healthy, strong bonds if you need to take a fresh look at a particularly unpleasant relationship or radically change the way you build it. Among other things, this program helps to successfully deal with problems that go beyond the immediate painful consequences of social exclusion, such as addictions, stress, anxiety, temper tantrums, etc.

The first part of the book details the neuroscience of relationships, including the role of each of the four neural pathways. In addition, in it I will show you how the brain can change in a positive or negative way. Depending on the nature of your emotional connections, your brain can either be damaged by rejection and isolation, or it can take advantage of the healing benefits of a relationship that encourages growth.

If you are really struggling with the problem of not having healthy connections with others, at first glance the solution may seem simple enough: go out and make friends. However, the reality is certainly not so simple, at least in a society that downplays the importance of close relationships and overemphasizes independence, value judgments, and aloofness. Of course, this is even more difficult in the presence of neurological damage due to chronic social withdrawal. In the second, practical part of the book, the C.A.R.E. will help you use psychological and relational neuroscience (a combination of both) to eliminate unwanted and create new neural pathways that promote healthy connections with people. In this part of the book, you will learn a relationship building model that will help you understand which neural pathways are well supported and which need to be strengthened. In addition, find out which of your contacts have the greatest potential for development. If any of the relationships hit your C.A.R.E. and prevent you from interacting with people, you will learn about this too. All this will help you heal the physical and emotional disorders caused by social exclusion, as well as build truly harmonious relationships with others.

Having at your disposal this information, you will be able to adapt the C.A.R.E. to your needs. Description of the C.A.R.E. consists of four chapters, one chapter for each neural pathway. You can implement the entire C.A.R.E. or its individual stages as needed, in order to influence its neural pathways through certain therapies and exercises. Some of these therapies can be used on their own, others require the advice of a specialist or their direct involvement, and still others you can only use within the safest of relationships. However, in general, the C.A.R.E. is a series of simple activities that will develop your ability to connect with others at all levels, from the cellular to the behavioral. At the end of the program, you will have formed relationships (both old and new) that will make you calmer, help you feel completely safe, give you more interest in life and allow you to experience a sense of reciprocity. So, it's time to start breaking down the walls and starting the brain healing process!

Amy Banks, Leigh Ann Hirschman

Four Ways to Click:

Rewire Your Brain for Stronger, More Rewarding Relationships

Scientific editor Vladimir Shulpin

Published with permission from Jeremy P. Tarcher, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, and Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by Vegas Lex law firm.

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This book is well complemented by:

Daniel Siegel

Foreword

Do you want to experience more joy and contentment in your life? All scientific studies related to happiness, longevity, mental and physical health point to the importance of such a factor as the strength of human relationships. In On the Same Wavelength, psychiatrist Amy Banks, MD, provides an innovative, easy-to-understand overview of the vast body of research in the neuroscience of relationships and offers readers ways to use this knowledge to rewire the brain for healthier connections that bring deep inner satisfaction. What does it give you personally? The ability to consciously change your life by improving relationships with other people. Relationships are not just the most enjoyable aspect of life. Relationships are life.

The result of a long study of the influence of culture on the formation of relationships, as well as the work of Amy Banks as a clinical psychiatrist, is a brilliant system called C.A.R.E., which helps to improve four aspects that allow us to get along with each other: how calmly we feel surrounded by other people (“C” - calm); accept whether they are us ("A" - accepted); like us resonate with their inner world ("R" - resonate) and how these contacts charge us energy("E" - energize). Using the C.A.R.E. as recommended in this book, readers can purposefully work with neural pathways that require fine-tuning to improve the quality of relationships with others. Understanding how our brains actually function will help us consciously change our lives!

I like this book! It is captivating, inspiring and beautifully written.

Do you want to find happiness? Live longer? To become healthier in mind and body? Then mastering the four ways of forming more significant relationships that bring deep inner satisfaction is your key to achieving these goals. May Amy Banks show you the way to a better life filled with love and joy. Enjoy reading!

Daniel Siegel,
Doctor of Medical Sciences

Jamie and Alex for the love and joy that fills my life

Chapter 1
Borders are exaggerated
A new look at relationships

Borders are exaggerated.

People who talk a lot about such boundaries tend to have the following beliefs:

If you have a strong sense of self, you shouldn't care what other people do or say to you.

How do parents determine that they have achieved success? When their children are not dependent on them.

Close friends and true love are the destiny of the young. As you get older, you naturally move away from people.

You should not feel the need for others to complete you.

You wouldn't have so many problems if you stood on your own feet.

But that is exactly what I am saying.

This book presents a different approach to understanding emotional needs and what it means to be a healthy, mature, adult person. A new field of scientific research that I have named relationship neuroscience, showed that in the human body there is a kind of innate system that consists of four main neural pathways and allows us to maintain an emotional connection with other people. In addition, according to the neuroscience of relationships, detachment from people negatively affects neural pathways. The result is a cascade of neurological reactions that can lead to chronic irritability and anger, depression, addiction, and chronic somatic illness. We are not healthy enough to rely solely on our own strength, besides, the human brain is designed to function within the framework of warm human relationships. How to realize your personal and professional potential? By maintaining strong relationships with partners, friends, colleagues and family members. Only in this case, neural pathways receive stimulation that allows our brain to become calmer, more tolerant and more productive.

Your feelings, my brain

Don't forget that by that time it was already known that the F5 neurons fired if the monkey was trying to get something.

Note that the monkey did not hold out my hand, but only watched the movement of the hand researcher.

I understand why this is happening. You have been taught all your life that your mind is a small castle surrounded by a high, thick wall designed to keep your thoughts and feelings inside, without letting anything in from outside. Therefore, you may be confused about the power of the mirror system. In fact, its discovery calls into question some of the traditional assumptions about the structure of our brain and body. Vittorio Gallese, a neurophysiologist from the laboratory of the University of Parma, describes the role of the mirror system in human interaction as follows: “The mechanism of the neural network is involuntary, allowing us not to think about what other people are doing or feeling, but simply to know it.” UCLA psychiatry professor Marco Jacoboni, in his book Mirroring People, takes this idea even further, arguing that the mirror system helps us “understand our existential state and interaction with other people. [This suggests that] we are not alone, but are biologically designed and evolved to be deeply connected.”

Maturity takes on new meaning

This approach to relationships allows us to present the various stages of human development, identified in accordance with the theory of separation-individuation, in a more favorable light. When a child crawls away from his mother, he does not try to separate himself from other people. On the contrary, he expands his world of relationships, moving towards more the number of connections, as well as the big world and its inhabitants, before returning back and enjoying communication with the mother. A baby who has just begun to walk and has learned the essence of object constancy does not seek to escape from his mother. The formation of a mental image of the mother allows him to be with her wherever he goes. The child develops the skill necessary to maintain relationships, regardless of time and distance. When school-age children interact with peers and make mistakes, they learn to manage relationships. Adolescents push the boundaries of their relational worlds even further. They discuss intimacy and learn how to be part of a group without giving in to peer pressure. The basis of the new interpretation of the process of age development is the following statement: people do not reach maturity through separation. On the contrary, they form increasingly complex relationships. This approach to human development has its own name: relational cultural theory. As an aspiring psychiatrist, I have found it to be more effective than any other (including the separation-individuation theory) in helping people heal and develop. For twenty years I have applied relational cultural theory to solve the problems of patients and the disconnected world in which they live (as we all do).

There are several common ideas in separation theory and relational cultural theory: in order to be healthy, you must understand who you are, what your thoughts and feelings are. You must be aware that other people also have their own thoughts and feelings and that you need to differentiate yourself within certain relationships. However, according to the theory of separation, you learn about all this only in order to separate yourself from others. You can still connect and be part of a community, but your role as an adult is defined by your ability to manage everything that happens to you on your own. Such a psychology emphasizes the role of the defensive stance, as you constantly set and defend your boundaries, fearing the intrusion of other people's emotions and problems. In fact, this is how Freud understood the essence of life: “For a living organism, protection from irritations is perhaps a more important task than the perception of irritation.” Sad, isn't it? Separation theory says that there is always a wall between you and those around you.

So, many years before I started my research on mirror neurons, I used relational cultural theory to treat my patients. I didn't want to give young people in trouble the standard advice to "separate from their parents and stop relying on their emotional support," and we looked for ways to stay connected to the biological family as we built our adult lives. Instead of telling people with temper tantrums or chronic irresponsibility that they need to learn self-regulation skills, we chose the strongest relationships and worked on developing new emotional skills in a risk-taking environment. Sometimes I met people who found themselves in extremely difficult situations, whose social circle was limited to one or two violent relationships. On these occasions, together we looked for an opportunity to cut those ties and gently, slowly build a relationship that opened up prospects for acceptance and warmth. From this starting point, we continued to work that allowed them to grow, develop, connect, heal and move on. I also developed, not wanting to distance myself from patients. While the separation-individuation therapist sees it as his job to help patients become independent, I have formed authentic relationships with them by sharing my worries and feelings while expanding my emotional system. Within the framework of such a relationship, both my patient and myself developed. This is how the relational-cultural approach works. One of my clients had the following to say about this: “Relational therapy was different from my previous treatment, where I was treated as if I were a person with no real relationship with the therapist. During the course of relational therapy, we worked together. The therapist went out of her way to connect emotionally with me. I saw and felt her attention and care.”

Giacomo Rizzolatti, Luciano Fadiga, Vittorio Gallese, and Leonardo Fogassi, Premotor Cortex and the Recognition of Motor Actions, Cognitive Brain Research 3 (1996): 131–41.

Marco Iacoboni, Mirroring People: The New Science of How We Connect with Others (New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2008), 267 United Press, 2011).

Sigmund Freud, Beyond the Pleasure Principle, The International Psycho-Analytic Library (London: The International Psycho-analytical Press, 1922), chapter IV.

On the same wave. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks

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Title: On the same wavelength. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships
Author: Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks
Year: 2015
Genre: Foreign psychology, Personal growth, Social psychology

About the book “On the same wavelength. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships by Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks

A recent study showed that 25% of people find it difficult to name a person who is truly close to them. Surprisingly - did the "social animal", having got into social networks, lost the ability to create strong relationships with its fellows?

Not at all, say Lee Hirschman and Amy Banks. The authors of the book “On the same wavelength. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships are convinced that the key to strong ties with people dear to you - lover, parents, friends - is in your hands. Or rather, in your head, because the method proposed in the book is to develop the so-called "neural pathways" - the mechanisms responsible for rapprochement with other people.

Psychiatrist Amy Banks and co-author Lee Hirschman share how developing these pathways of calmness, resonance, acceptance, and energy help build healthy, trusting relationships. The toolkit offered by the book "On the same wavelength" is based on the latest achievements in neuroscience. It will allow the reader to take a step towards happiness, tuned in to the full disclosure of their potential in relationships with others.

This guide is not just for those who are dissatisfied with their current relationship (or lack thereof). The book by Banks and Hirschman is also addressed to those who feel superfluous in the company of friends and misunderstood in the family, suffer from any addictions, or simply need friendly advice. At the same time, acting as friends, Lee Hirschman and Amy Banks give advice based not on subjective "worldly wisdom", but on real scientific and medical experience.

"On the same wave. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships is an invaluable guide to a world where people build walls around themselves. Social networks, distance learning, remote work - all this makes us pathological introverts, losing the ability to truly open up to people. This book will remind you that boundaries in a relationship can be overcome, and show you how to become a little closer to each other - no matter if it's family, colleagues or fans of the same team.

On our site about books site you can download and read for free online book"On the same wave. Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships" by Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks in epub, fb2, txt, rtf formats. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and a real pleasure to read. Buy full version you can have our partner. Also, here you will find last news from the literary world, learn the biography of your favorite authors. For beginner writers there is a separate section with useful tips and recommendations, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at writing.

Free download the book "On the same wavelength. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships by Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks

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Amy Banks, Lee Hirschman

On the same wave. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships

Amy Banks, Leigh Ann Hirschman

Four Ways to Click:

Rewire Your Brain for Stronger, More Rewarding Relationships

Scientific editor Vladimir Shulpin

Published with permission from Jeremy P. Tarcher, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, and Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by Vegas Lex law firm.

This book is well complemented by:

Daniel Siegel

Foreword

I like this book! It is captivating, inspiring and beautifully written.

Do you want to find happiness? Live longer? To become healthier in mind and body? Then mastering the four ways to form more meaningful relationships that bring deep inner satisfaction is your key to achieving these goals. May Amy Banks show you the way to a better life filled with love and joy. Enjoy reading!

Daniel Siegel,

Doctor of Medical Sciences

Jamie and Alex for the love and joy that fills my life

Borders are exaggerated

A new look at relationships

Borders are exaggerated.

People who talk a lot about such boundaries tend to have the following beliefs:

If you have a strong sense of self, you shouldn't care what other people do or say to you.

How do parents determine that they have achieved success? When their children are not dependent on them.

Close friends and true love are the destiny of the young. As you get older, you naturally move away from people.

You should not feel the need for others to complete you.

You wouldn't have so many problems if you stood on your own feet.

"On the same wave. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships by Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks. On the same wave. Neurobiology of harmonious relationships

* * *

* * *

This book is well complemented by:

Foreword

Chapter 1 Borders are exaggerated A new look at relationships

Your feelings, my brain

Maturity takes on new meaning

About the book “On the same wavelength. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships by Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks

Free download the book "On the same wavelength. The Neurobiology of Harmonious Relationships by Lee Hirschman, Amy Banks

Chapter 1
Borders are exaggerated
A new look at relationships