Mistakes of parents in dealing with adult children…. The child grew up selfish, what to do? How to re-educate selfish children? And how not to grow an egoist? Why do children grow up selfish

Helpful Hints

Each of us is selfish to some degree. While having an adequate level of self-love, self-worth, and self-confidence is essential for a normal human life, there is a line, crossing which a person becomes self-centered, arrogant, and simply narcissistic.

For example, some people try to make others believe that their view of the world is the best and correct, while others will talk about themselves for hours, making you feel like little fish.

Ignoring your needs in favor of giving attention to such an egomaniac devastates you emotionally and significantly worsens your well-being.

3) Stay true to yourself, don't stoop to his level

A selfish person can push certain internal buttons on you, thereby making you feel very bad. Don't play his games, and don't act in ways you don't like.

Just be true to yourself. It's hard to be kind to an egocentric person who, in addition to being ignorant, is also unkind to you. However, imitating him is also not an option.

When you feel angry towards such people, try to focus on who you are.

4) Remind them that the world doesn't revolve around them.

A self-obsessed person is so immersed in himself that he simply forgets to consider your thoughts and feelings. He needs to be periodically reminded that the world does not revolve around him.

However, you don't have to say it pretentiously. For example, instead of "You never listen to me, it's always about you," try saying, "I really need to talk to someone about something that's bothering me. Are you willing to listen to me?"

How to deal with an egoist?

5) Don't give him the attention he needs.

This is a powerful strategy for dealing with extremely selfish people who don't care about others at all. The trick is to be polite, but never give the ego the attention it craves.

It works when you respond to their speeches with soft, noncommittal comments. For example, instead of saying, "Poor thing, how could he do this to you?" just say, "Yes, that's life."

This will throw them out of balance for a while. Remember that attention is your wealth. If you don't give it to an egoist, he will most likely walk away.

6) Raise topics that interest you

Whatever your interest, be it carpentry, cooking, or politics, bring it up with an introspective person instead of devoting your attention to the topics that he turns on.

For example, if he says: “You won’t believe what my friend told me!”, then you can answer: “Do you happen to know how much cutting and sewing courses cost now?”

The more your topic is not related to the topic of a selfish interlocutor, the better. Keep focusing on your topic no matter what, and you will see how quickly he wants to get away from you when he realizes that you are not interested in his selfish stories.

7) Stop doing them favors

Selfish people always ask for a favor, however, they are not to be found by day with fire when you need help. That is their essence.

While it's important to be patient and give a selfish friend or partner a chance to change, it's equally important not to let them get on your neck, especially if it hurts you.

Thus, when an egoist asks you to do too much for him, you do not need to go along. Understand that a person absolutely does not appreciate what you do for him, and you only make things worse for yourself, as he makes you feel your uselessness.

If you find yourself in a situation where you need to protect yourself, keep it short and to the point, as selfish people are not the best listeners.

8) Limit the time you spend together

Once you've realized that someone is too self-centered, it's time to stay away from them.

Try to limit your time together as much as possible. If you are used to drinking coffee every evening, then try to push the dates of the meetings further and further, do not call the person and do not answer his messages.

Reactions can range from tantrums to anger, but stand firm. Better to spend time alone than with selfish people.

9) Be actively looking for new friends

Remember the pain, fatigue, and suffering associated with giving your emotional energy to selfish, inconsiderate people, and discard it in the future. Do not allow yourself to associate with such people.

A friend recently told me that she would very much like her grown-up children to fully understand how hard it was for her when she worked for them. “They are so selfish,” she said. “They are greedy and think only of themselves.” She made it clear that she was a self-sacrificing, generous mother. “Everything I did, I did for them. And here is their gratitude! She complained: “They just went to other countries, and they never even come to visit me, to find out how I'm doing. People of my generation didn't do that. We stayed at home and took care of our parents.”

I listened to her complaints with some surprise. Indeed, one of her sons lived in China, and her daughter lived on the other side of the continent. But all her children regularly called her and wrote e-mails. And those of them who lived not so far away often visited her. I also knew that they all try to make her life as comfortable as possible.

From my point of view, they were far from being selfish.
I wondered if she also criticized them to their face. And if so, then all these angry accusations clearly hurt her children and had the opposite effect of what she wanted. Her criticism, instead of making the children do what she wanted, only alienated them more and more.
I wonder who is the real egoist here? Adult children or is it their mother?

How to deal with selfishness

Selfishness is a controversial topic today. Many books have been written about it, for example, Generation Me, even the concept of “healthy” selfishness has appeared. But it is very unpleasant when the person with whom you are constantly dealing thinks only of himself and is focused only on his needs.
But what to do if you yourself are accused of selfishness, and especially if you understand that it is deserved?

First, let's define the concept. The two main characteristics of selfishness are:

Excessive interest solely in their needs.
Indifference to the needs and feelings of others.

If someone is both self-centered and not interested in other people, most likely such a person will be responsive to you only if you can offer him something. In order not to experience problems from communicating with selfish people, you need to consider this and 4 more tips below.

1. Understand why they are the way they are.

I explain: to understand does not mean to allow to do anything. But if you can find out what is behind the behavior, to know its causes, it will help you understand how to respond to it. We often try to guess people's motives, good or bad, but these guesses are almost always inaccurate. I once had a neighbor whom I felt very sorry for. His mother was 100 years old, and it seemed to me that because of her age she became very aggressive and angry. “It must be hard for you to see how someone close to you has changed so much,” I once told him. And my neighbor replied that she had not changed at all and had behaved like this all her life, and the reason for this was not at all age and illness

Your children, of course, can be selfish (they can, but they don't have to). In raising children, it is important to help them become part of society and understand that other people also have feelings, and these feelings must be reckoned with. They are not born with this understanding, it is quite normal for them to want only their needs to be met in the first place.

Sick and old people also often seem "selfish" because almost all of them focus on themselves. The woman I described at the beginning was a loving and generous mother, judging by her children. She had always been a little nervous, but her nervousness increased with age. Out of fear of being alone, too young for a nursing home, this woman became self-centered and demanding. However, she was still proud of her children and loved them. She didn't really want them back in her house, she didn't want to ruin their lives.

So what should be done? By understanding what motivates her irritability and selfishness, and this is her fear of loneliness, her children were able to adapt to this.

2. Don't take it personally

I probably say this too often. But this is the main way to adapt to almost any behavior of others. Just because someone says you're selfish doesn't necessarily mean you're actually doing something wrong. This may mean that they want different behavior from you, which may be convenient for someone, but not for you.

My friend's kids did a great job of learning not to take her perpetually disgruntled behavior personally. As a result, they are not offended by their mother and continue to help her. First they shared their concerns with each other, and then with her. They thought that she could move closer to one of the children, but then agreed that without other relatives and friends, she would be even more lonely. And so they developed a plan of visits. So, when their mother gets lonely, she will always know that one of her children will visit her soon. Thanks to this, she will eventually become less critical of her children, because her life will become more interesting.

3. Don't make assumptions

We often assume things that are incorrect or wrong. The only workable way to deal with someone's accusations of selfishness is to ask them in a quiet and calm voice what exactly is meant. Will they be able to explain to you what exactly you are selfish about? What would you like to change in your behavior?

If you can’t do this for some good reason, you can try asking these questions yourself. For example, society considers that having a child is a kind of self-sacrifice, and not having a child is selfishness. But is it really so? Almost all the family people I know, including myself, have children for selfish reasons. They wanted to be loved, they wanted to love (yes, this is also selfish), they wanted to please their parents, create a stronger relationship with their spouse, improve their social status, and so on. There is nothing wrong with these selfish reasons. It's just important to accept that they are truly selfish. In fact, if we honestly admitted to ourselves that we had children for selfish reasons, most of us would be much easier to come to terms with the fact that children sometimes do not act as they would like.

"We are very fond of complaining about the lack of generosity of others and are much less likely to notice our own shortcomings in this."
stressed one psychologist-scientist in one of his works on egoism.

This is a good point, but on the other hand, many of my clients share the fear that they are the ones who are selfish.

4. Remember that a certain degree of selfishness is normal.

Healthy selfishness helps us take care not only of ourselves, but also of others. Even selfless care and generosity is not completely selfless. If you enjoy doing something for someone else, it's still kind of selfish, isn't it? But that doesn't mean it's bad at all.

Photo: Iakov Filimonov/Rusmediabank.ru

It is not uncommon to hear how they say about someone: “Yes, he is a terry egoist, he thinks only of himself!”.

What to do if you are faced with a person who believes that the whole world should revolve around her? Stay away? This is not always a way out ... A much more constructive solution to the problem is to try to "re-educate".

During my life I had to meet a lot of selfish natures, and I came to the conclusion that most often people are not born selfish - this is. Usually the only children in the family who are loved and pampered become selfish. Imagine a child who is told every day that he is the very best, who gets all the best and tastiest ... Not all parents teach children from an early age to share toys and sweets, on the contrary, a mother may be outraged that her beloved son has someone asks for something or tries to take it away. She can fight for the "rights" of her child, and while he walks in kindergarten while still in school. As a result, the child gets used to the fact that his interests are put above the interests of everyone else, and at a conscious age he continues to behave in the same way, convinced that "everyone owes him." At the same time, it does not even occur to him that what is convenient for him may be inconvenient for others.

I have one good friend. She is quite a successful person, Ph.D., smart, talented... But communication with her requires a lot of mental tension. No, she is not at all boorish, and her character is generally normal ... It’s just that Zhenya constantly requires increased attention to herself. If we agree on a meeting, then she appoints it where it is convenient for her, without being interested in where it is convenient for me. If we go to a cafe, she chooses exactly where to sit, without being interested in my opinion. Somehow I needed to give her some small change, so she insisted that I drive straight to the library where she was at that moment ... By the way, Zhenya likes to be late for meetings, and at the same time I don’t remember a case when she apologized for being late. At a party, she may demand that she be given, for example, soup, because she is used to eating it ...

Once Zhenya told me why she married her current husband. The fact is that for her sake he: “My lungs are not in order, and if I open the window, I can catch a cold ... He suffered terribly, but still quit!”.

Zhenya also loves to burden others with her problems. She constantly turns to me with various requests, and quite burdensome ones at that - for example, to find out in which kindergarten her daughter can be placed for a while upon arrival in Moscow.

Zhenya grew up with her mother and grandmother. It is clear that she was the center of the family. She was told that she deserved the best. Now she has two children, but Zhenya's mother is raising them, since Zhenya herself is writing a doctoral dissertation. Husband earns money...

I must say that at first I was shocked by Zhenya with her whims. But gradually I learned to interact with her.

The egoist must first of all be forced to reckon with your interests. How? You just shouldn't indulge him. If you are not comfortable with what he wants from you, tell him about it directly. After all, many egoists do not even suspect that they should think about others. So, in communication with Zhenya, I plain text I told her that this situation is uncomfortable for me, uncomfortable, that I don’t like this or that thing, I won’t be able to do this and that for such and such a reason. Or I just don't want to. And it worked for her!

Further - learn to talk about your feelings and emotions. This is especially useful if a person close to you turned out to be an egoist. For example, the man you are dating. If he does not ask where you want to go, but chooses himself, if he does not ask what you want to order in a cafe, but again orders himself, if he appoints there and then, where and when it is convenient for him, and not for you, do not hesitate to declare about your wishes! Do not settle for options that are not convenient for you, just to keep your chosen one. After all, it will be much more difficult to change the situation later.

Don't be afraid of conflict. If a person directly or indirectly demands that you sacrifice your interests for their interests, say: “Why do you think only of yourself? Do you care about my feelings?" Anyone who is interested in a relationship with you will definitely start looking for a compromise. For the most part, people sooner or later understand that in order to maintain relationships, it is necessary to sacrifice something: "you - to me, I - to you."

In addition, it will not be so easy for an egoist to find arguments in favor of taking into account only his interests. ? His problem. Be relentless! Sometimes you can make certain concessions, but at the same time demand concessions from him.

When is the best time to end a relationship? If a person does not want to change anything in his behavior, he believes that everyone else should “bend” under him, and even consciously makes egoistic philosophy his life credo: “If I need something, I come up and take it!”. Such relationships will only bring you pain and problems. Therefore, do not waste your time, energy and feelings on such people.

Children are the meaning of our life. This is the most precious thing that God gives us, so we try to give them all the best. Unfortunately, parental love often oversteps the bounds, and the child grows up selfish. How to prevent this situation? What to do with children's selfishness? Is it possible to re-educate a child? There are many questions and the answers to them are ambiguous. One thing is clear - if there is a problem, then you need to make every effort to solve it. And the advice of experienced teachers and psychologists will help in this.

Psychologists say that the baby comes into this world as an egoist. He becomes the "center of the universe" for his parents and unconsciously feels his superiority. It turns out that selfishness is a character trait that is formed from the cradle. Up to 3 years, this is quite normal, but after this age, the child should gradually learn to communicate with other children, find a compromise, share their toys. Parents should encourage this in every possible way. If this does not happen, then the child grows up narcissistic and emotionally cold to the needs of other people. The main causes of children's selfishness:

Parental selfishness. The best way upbringing is your own example. It is not enough to tell children about the need to share and be attentive to others. You need to demonstrate this with your own example. Selfish parents raise selfish children.
Excessive praise. Children need to be praised and encouraged - no one denies this. But everything should be in moderation. You should not tell your offspring that he is the best with or without reason. Praise him only for meaningful actions.
Excessive parental activity in terms of education. Too caring or overbearing parents suppress the child's personality, which leads to psychological immaturity. The child remains at the stage of a three-year-old toddler and lives with the feeling that the whole world should "revolve" around him.

How to deal with children's selfishness?

Do not despair if you notice that a selfish child is growing in your family. Try to pay attention to this issue as early as possible and you will be able to raise a responsible and emotionally mature person.

Teach your child to do household chores. He can collect toys, fold clothes, wash dishes. Small assignments instill a sense of responsibility in children, teach them to care for other people. If, also take advice from psychologists.
Don't force your opinion on your child. Try to advise, suggest, but do not make a decision for him. From childhood, a person must learn to be responsible for their actions.
Negative experience is a good teacher. Do not protect your child from him. This does not mean at all that you need to leave him alone with the problem that has arisen. But you should not be afraid of such situations. Only in this way can children learn responsibility and independence.
The child should have his own small responsibilities: clean the room, water the flowers, take care of the pets, etc.
Take an interest in the inner world of your child as often as possible. Ask how he is doing, what he remembers today, with whom he likes to communicate and why, so that he would like to read or watch. Thus, you show your care and attention to the little man. On your example, he will also learn this.
At 3-4 years old, children often act up. This . If you constantly indulge these whims, they get used to the consumer attitude and grow up selfish.
Do good deeds once a week: visit an animal shelter, help an elderly neighbor, make a bird feeder, etc. Children should learn not only to take, but also to give.

How to re-educate?

If you missed the moment and the son or daughter began to show selfish traits, do not give up. The situation can be improved, although it is not easy.

If the child begins to hysteria, give him time to calm down. Take him aside and calmly ask him what he doesn't like and what he wants. Explain why you cannot comply with his request. Do not ignore children's whims. It won't fix the situation, it will only make it worse. Your behavior will tell the baby that ignoring human feelings is normal. And after all just from this child also it is necessary to wean.
Explain to your child that crying is not the way out. Give him several options for solving the problem. Let him choose any of them and try to solve the problem situation on his own.

But what to do if adult children are selfish? Unfortunately, it is not possible to re-educate them. Unless they want it themselves. Parents just need to learn how to communicate with them and find compromises.

Children's selfishness is a problem that worries many parents. You need to pay attention to it from early childhood. If the child grew up selfish, do not despair. The situation can be corrected, you need to be patient and take advice from the best experts.

Perhaps, every reader, looking at the title of the article, will definitely remember such an example: he also met wonderful families in his life, in which for some reason problem children grew up. Or maybe he himself faced such a problem: he tried to give everything to his children, but he did not receive the expected return.

The cult of children

Most often this happens in families where the cult of children is pronounced. What does it mean? This means that the interests of all family members are subordinated to the child. Seems like what's wrong with that? The very idea of devoting one's life to raising children is very good; something else is bad: parents should not forget about themselves and should not give the child an attitude that he is the boss.

How does this happen?

It happens imperceptibly. Gradually, all family members begin to be guided by one single rule: all the best for the child. Parents can deny themselves goodies - let most (and sometimes all) of the purchased fruits go to their beloved child, he is growing ... Dad and mom can walk in the same boots or shoes as last season - the child needs a new thing. they can deny themselves holidays and weekends if they need to earn money for the “heir” or “heiress”. They will gladly give way to the best room: let the baby play or do lessons where it is lighter and more spacious. A little later, parents will not stint on tutors, even if they have to deny themselves everything; they will not be afraid to take on a burdensome loan, so long as their son or daughter gets the education they want. And so on. After some time, they will be left without all their savings or will get into huge debts in order to organize a luxurious wedding for their child.

And when will children begin to sacrifice their interests for the sake of their parents?

Most likely never. If they are accustomed from childhood only to receive, they do not have the attitude that they owe something to someone, especially to their parents! The latter are simply obliged to solve all their problems. There's nothing to be done: the parents themselves inspired their children that they live only for their sake - they have no personal interests of their own.

What to do in order not to become a "slave" of your own child?

- pamper without fanaticism: do not try to please in everything and indulge all whims;

- do not give extra money;

– accustom to responsibility: determine household responsibilities, maintain the level of academic performance at school;

- explain to the child that mom and dad are tired at work, sometimes they feel bad - at such moments they especially need help;

- everything that is tasty in the house should be divided equally between family members (or at least “do not forget” about parents).

Parents should watch their words

In no case do not emphasize the importance of the child in the family, do not say such words in front of him: “everything for him”, “let him have something that we did not have”, “we don’t feel sorry for anything for the child”, “if only only the child was satisfied.” You can think and act this way, but understand: children take all words too directly. Such expressions are deposited in their subconscious, they begin to believe that parents are obliged in any situation to be guided only by such “slogans”, they simply do not have the right to refuse something to their beloved son or daughter.

It is very difficult to re-educate an egoist

It is easier to prevent a child from becoming an egoist than to re-educate him later: and the older he gets, the less chance his parents will have that he will change. On the contrary, the child will grow, his demands will also grow: it will be more and more difficult for parents to satisfy all his desires. In the end, it often turns out like this: already far from young parents simply get tired of resisting and meekly give their adult children everything they have, while remaining poor, useless, abandoned old people!

To prevent this from happening in your life, rebuild your relationship with your children in time. Good luck and patience to you!