Why a child needs a father - the point of view of a psychotherapist. Areas of education and development in which male participation is needed Why a child needs a father

Psychotherapist

Statistics first

It is a well-known fact that in Russia a third of families are represented by a single parent with a child. More than 80% of these parents are mothers. That is, about a quarter of children grow up without a father at all. Another third of those who seem to have it see it extremely rarely and communicate with it for less than ten minutes a day. Most of the fathers (more than 65%) - with a radical indifference. This simply means that they are indifferent to the child.

That is, many girls and boys have an empty set as their father figure. And many mothers reasonably say: “But why is it needed at all? I can manage without him!”

Why is a father needed?

Why is it needed is a good and important question. Of course, the child does not need a second parent, certainly a man. In the same way, there is no need for the biological mother to raise the child: if immediately after the birth of the child is transferred into the hands of a loving, but not biological family, there will be no catastrophe.

The paternal figure may well be replaced by a second loving adult - grandmother, grandfather, godfather or other mother's partner.

It is the second adult that is very important for the child!

And it would be easier and better for everyone if in the place of this second adult there was a good, adequate, loving dad. Which we usually don't have.

What happens to a girl who does not see a second loving, safe person next to her mother? Or if this person is indifferent to her? It's very simple: she adapts. Speaking in Russian: getting used to it. Such a family structure becomes basic and understandable for her.

Even if the mother of this girl herself considers such a family to be bad and broadcasts it to everyone around, for example, in the statements “Yes, he is a goat! Yes, he’s a beast,” or “Your father left us,” or “Yes, if I married a normal man,” and so on, including a girl, the child gets used to this family model.

This paradox usually leads to the fact that adult, independent working girls next to a man turn on a very contradictory scenario: “I am so fragile, tender, warm, caring, JUST TRY TO DO SOMETHING WRONG, I WILL RUN!”

What grows from scratch

Very often, female client requests about “how to get married” are associated with two things: the desire to be socially acceptable (get married before thirty, have a baby, “get married”, not be alone, and so on) and great fear (he will stop loving me, he will change me, I will be left alone with the child, I will have to plow both at home and at work).

Often, thanks to this, the chosen man turns out to be:

– indifferent (the girl is more likely to notice the social gesture “came with flowers” ​​than the fact that a man frankly yawns at the story that a naked bulldozer driver tried to rob her)

- uninterested in children (he says “it would be great for children to appear ... I come home: they are happy with me”, and the girl is happy. Subsequently, she finds out that this is all that a man is ready to accept from children, and - in general - all his options for spending time with them)

- incapable of distinguishing their needs from the needs of a couple (for example, on the second or third date, he orders everything to his taste without asking the girl, and then also manages the budget, buying a house on the lake near Orsk with the jointly accumulated money, not paying attention that his the girl hates Orsk and everything connected with it, because - “THIS IS SO GOOD”)

- not interested in her time and resources (he is late for meetings for half an hour, without apologizing, and then also constantly promises to come early to pick up his son from kindergarten, but every time it’s not destiny; on the first date he takes her phone to call without asking , and then - pawns her car in a pawnshop to start his own business).

And it can be difficult for girls to notice how selfish, indifferent, uninterested, and sometimes downright rude and disgusting their partner is - because this is exactly what they are used to.

One of my clients was so interested in being a good girl with her husband that she missed that her husband is a sixty-pound alcoholic drug addict who lives on her money.

A good father (or at least a grandfather or uncle) gives his daughters an understanding of what a couple is like living in care, love and security. It is very important for all girls who have not had such an experience to try to catch this feeling in some other relationship - at work, in friendship, in a sports team.

To collect - albeit in pieces - this puzzle. In order not to “pull the strap out of habit” - the way their mothers and grandmothers pulled, and if you really enter into a relationship, then with someone who will make their life really better.

No one can replace a child's parents. There is no one more important than them in his life. Family climate influences emotional sphere, adaptability, willingness to learn gender-role identity, which affects the success in communicating with peers, especially in adolescence.

The parents clearly demonstrate the model of behavior, but if the family is incomplete (meaning a family without a father), then there is no clear example from the father, and in the process of growing up, the child in most cases has psychological difficulties of a different nature.

But back to the question posed in the title of the article. Why is he still needed, father? This question is by no means rhetorical. According to psychologists, there are three main areas where paternal support and help is needed for a child. First area are the risks of the outside world to which the child is exposed daily. Second area- these are psychological difficulties that Sophocles described (as you already understood, we are talking about the ancient Greek tragedy about Oedipus and the teachings of Sigmund Freud). A child needs a mother, is needed for his complete disposal, and his dreams and imaginations about how this can happen can confuse him and greatly frighten him. And the father, with his reasonable behavior (compassion at the same time as a demonstration of fortitude) should help in overcoming fears, help calm down and get rid of fear. And, of course, the child needs a father to protect him from overprotection mothers. After all, as you know, a mother's love is boundless and blind, she knows no boundaries, including age. A child for a mother remains a child both at three and at forty-three years. But after all, it is very difficult for an adult, and even more so for a teenager with his characteristic maximalism and negativism, to live with the feeling of an “eternal child”. The father is obliged to show and instruct that love is not only protection and guardianship, but also the ability to give freedom to the one you love. After all, the upbringing of boys is fundamentally different from the upbringing of girls - they are raised in a freer form, providing more freedom and independence.

father's hour

It's not enough to be born a man, you have to become one. Everyone knows that in becoming a man from a boy, the decisive role belongs to the father. It is important for a son to see a positive image of his father. He is defined by paternal love, affection, attention, understanding, the ability to help him. Unfortunately, our society is arranged in such a way that the child sees his father only in the late evening, a few hours before going to bed, when he returned from work tired and he has absolutely no time for playing with the child. Dad would like to lie quietly on the couch, reading latest news in the newspaper, rather than talking to the child or actively entertaining him. If you think that we are forcing poor fathers to fulfill their paternal duty through “I don’t want to”, then you are deeply mistaken. On the contrary, it is better to pay attention to the child for fifteen to twenty minutes during the same evening bath than to make amends by walking in the park or on the playground for half a day, gritting your teeth.

If you still can’t give your child a little time every day, then choose a weekday when you can take care of the child for an hour or arrange a “daddy's” day off. This time can be fun and useful to spend with the baby. But do it with desire - otherwise the child will consider himself guilty that you are uncomfortable with him and that he did not justify his father's attitude towards himself.

father for son

At the beginning of the article, we focused on gender identity. And not just like that. The role of a father in raising a son as a future man and a daughter as a future woman should not be underestimated. A father for a son is a role model, and a daughter needs the approval of her father. Let's take a closer look at these aspects and dwell on the mistakes that are better not to make.

Of course, every father wants his son to become a real man, but not everyone knows how to do it. The worst option is moralizing, criticism, which is presented even in a friendly way, does not leave the best impression on the child from communicating with his father. Even playing football, teachings can take away all the desire from a son to play his favorite game. The praise of the father is important for the child, and then everything else - first of all, entertainment and communication, and then training, because determination, courage, firmness of character cannot be brought up by a course of lectures and teachings. The child must trust his father, is disposed to communicate with him - and then he will take an example from him. And nothing else. You can’t imitate a person for whom there is no sympathy, is it?

Now let's consider the case when the father is impatient, irritable, dissatisfied. Then in his society and in the society of his peers-boys, the child will feel awkward, notorious and indecisive. And his attention will be switched to the mother, as an example to follow. And it will definitely not be good if the boy adopts the manners and behavior of his mother.

The task of the father is to become for the child not a boss, teaching and criticizing, but “his boyfriend”, with whom you can talk, who will prompt in any situation, approve and understand.

dad for daughter

Strangely, the relationship between father and daughter is considered less significant than between daughter and mother. But communicating with her father, the girl begins to appreciate those qualities that are inherent only in a real man. Thus, a girl, and in the future a woman, is preparing to enter a world where men are assigned the role of a strong half of humanity. Therefore, communication with a daughter is very important, first of all, for her own formation as a woman. Praise her for bringing you and showing you her drawing or applique at the age of five, compliment her (for example, “this dress really suits you”) at the age of eleven and, of course, the phrase “Dima is a great guy” is not easy for a father at the age of sixteen - all this makes it clear to her daughter that her opinion is important to dad, he shares her views on many things and appreciates her as a person.

We hope that our advice will help you become a Real Father for your son or daughter!

Natalia Abalmasova

In this article, we will consider the question “Why does a child need a dad?” It is clear that any child needs both mom and dad, it is extremely important for him to grow up in a complete family. This really leaves a serious imprint on the future life of the child.

But the child should not just grow up in a family where there is a mother and father, both of them must take part in his upbringing. That is, in fact, a complete family is not just a family where mom and dad are stereotyped, it is a family where both of them take an active part in raising their own child.

The main duty of the father is not the production of money for the family, as many people think. A child needs a dad in order to teach his child a lot, since he is the main authority for him.

The father bears a great responsibility for the fate of his child, and this responsibility must be fully realized. Dad should spend maximum of his time with his child, he should participate in education, and not disappear all the time at work. Of course, material well-being for modern families also plays a significant role. But no amount of money can replace a child's time with his father.

The child needs a dad - a friend

Children literally from birth trust their fathers, it is very important, as they grow up, not to destroy this trust, not to deceive it. That is why dad must always keep his promises, be responsible for his words, then the child will continue to do the same.

A child should obey his father, not because the father can use a belt or punish him. It is very important that the child should feel the authority of the pope, his significance. Fathers teach discipline, instill in children some elementary rules and norms that will be useful to them in later life.

It is very important that dad never laugh at his child, that he takes him seriously, that he can support him, this is much more important. A child needs a dad who can not be afraid to come with some kind of problem. The child should not be afraid of punishment for some of his mistakes, he should know that in any case, dad will always accept him as he is, always try to listen and help with advice or deed.

How to be a good dad

It is always more difficult for a man to take on the role of a father, to realize all the responsibility for a newborn baby, but you need to be prepared for this. You need to be aware of your new role from the moment of pregnancy in order to get used to it, read the relevant literature, which just tells about the role of dad in the life of a child, and it’s also worth remembering your own childhood in order to again understand what meaning played in this childhood by his own father.

Why does a child need a father?

How rarely do we talk about the role of a father in a child's life... Now there is an opinion that a father is obliged to earn money and this is the main task of a man as a dad. But in the process of raising children, the father for the most part begins to take part somewhere from the age of five or six, when it is already too late to bring up. The only consolation is that at present the tendency of the presence of the father in the life of the family is gradually increasing. At least take into account how much the current generation wants fatherhood. More and more future dads want a baby, go to courses, attend ultrasounds and during childbirth, with great joy and tenderness, they undertake to help take care of baby. I would like to believe that fatherhood is becoming conscious for our men.

So what role does a father play in raising a child?

Dad is dad - he is not a substitute for mom, he has completely different functions in the family. Mom gives the child tenderness and affection, while dad is responsible for confidence and protection. Mom will always accept the child, regret, reassure. A father is a person who stimulates the child to develop, helps to find out the reasons for failures, encourages achievements and inspires self-confidence. A child needs both, which is why it is so important to maintain a good relationship between parents by all means.

A good father is a person who does not train the right child, but educates by example, lays the ability to see, create and give goodness. This is a person who will not hesitate to leave everything when he feels that the child needs time to play, to be with dad.

The father is the shoulder on which the child can lean; but it is necessary that the support is not shaky ...

So, the father appears in our life even before we are born. If dad provides mom with peace of mind, the child feels happiness and strength even at the stage when he is in the tummy. The more dad loves mom, the more the child will love dad!

Of course, if he talks to the child, strokes his tummy, sings, draws and just rejoices that he already has a baby, then the father-child tandem will be established faster and easier. Studies confirm that if the father took an active part in the prenatal (prenatal) life of the child, then he will quickly begin to recognize the father and respond by calming his voice to him almost immediately after birth.

In the first year of life, the ability to distribute love is laid. Dad teaches this, showing how much he loves mom and child. The kid already feels that different people show love for him in different ways (mom picks up and regrets, father picks up and talks; mom says: “You are my Sunny, Bunny, Cat ...”, and father: “You my pride...”), and rightly so. If the father does not pay attention to the child for the first few years, waiting for him to grow up, then he is wasting time, because the basis of our personality is formed in the first six years.

The absence of a man in the family Negative influence on the development of the child's personality. Children of divorced mothers and widows are more difficult to adapt to the society of peers, often commit antisocial acts, and as adults, more often than others experience difficulties in their personal lives.

Children need responsible, courageous fathers.

Neurosis, bronchial asthma, some types of deviations in adolescents - all this is more common in families with an imperious, dominant mother and a sluggish, ousted father.

Children need fathers. Both boys and girls.