Twelve-year-old Sonya and her mother were arguing over who should clean Sonya's room. The mother thought it was her daughter's duty, but she said she would not clean her room.

What happens between Sonya and her mother? The mother wants Sonya to be responsible for her room; however, she talks about it in such a tone that Sonya takes a defensive stance. On the other hand, whenever Sonya starts to defend herself, the mother becomes more and more "deaf". The conflict is deepening. How can Sonya and her mother solve it? How to resolve conflicts so that everyone wins? We must learn to find alternatives, it is no coincidence that we live in a world of constant compromises and negotiations. Finding an alternative means being able to resolve the conflict between parents and the child in such a way that everyone feels better and understands the essence of the contradiction. It includes reaching mutual agreement.

Parents should first of all remember that looking for alternatives is different from "giving" advice and directives such as "Do this", "I think you should...". Such advice is useless for the following reasons:

Advice only makes the child more dependent on the parent. It does not help the child learn to solve problems and gain independence;

Often a child is skeptical of adult advice and does not like being told what to do and how to do it. On the contrary, he seeks to join in the discussion of the problem;

The question arises, who is to blame if the parent council does not work, the child or the parent?

To teach a child to find an alternative means to help him choose the best course of action and take responsibility for the implementation of the decision.

There are certain stages in the search for an alternative:

1. Definition of a contradiction or problem.

2. Development of alternative solutions.

3. Thinking and evaluating alternative solutions.

4. Choice of an alternative and implementation of the solution.

5. Identifying a point in the future when progress can be assessed.

Although, at first glance, all this may seem very simple in practical application, nevertheless, there are a number of key points that need to be understood before starting to use this scheme. Sit next to the child and explain to him the process of finding alternative solutions, and how they will help in resolving conflicts. It must be remembered that each participant in the conflict is a person; therefore, everyone should be treated with dignity and respect.

Contradictions are successfully resolved when everyone understands what exactly all stages of the process include. Using all of these steps to resolve parent-child conflict, the parent will be able to avoid many other problems associated with the conflict. Although some conflicts resolve on their own, while others are easily overcome without going through all the stages, we still recommend that parents and the child understand what exactly is included in each stage.

Stage 1. Definition of a contradiction or problem.

1. The parent must be sure that the moment chosen to search for an alternative is successful both for himself and for the child. The child, like everyone else, is offended if he is cut off or rejected.

2. A parent should not be afraid to say, "What happened is a problem and I want you to help solve it." You must adhere to the following goals and rules:

a) Tell it like it is. If you, as a parent, feel strong on this point, it makes sense that you should be the one to approach the child with the question;

b) avoid accusations that only force the child to defend himself and reduce the chances of resolving the contradiction;

c) using joint actions; the parent should make the child understand that they must unite in the search for a solution in which no one will be disadvantaged and which requires a "meeting" of the child and the parent. It is important that the child believes that the parent sincerely wants his help and respects his ideas.

The first stage of the search for alternatives must be successfully completed before attempts are made to implement the remaining four stages. In some cases, this stage is very simple, for example, when choosing clothes. The problem is clear: "Which dress to buy?". Less clear is the problem "Does Sonya need a new dress?". There's a possible contradiction here: "Does she need a new dress more than she needs new shoes?" or "Does she need more new dresses or extra training sessions that cost money?"

Stage 2. Search and development of alternative solutions. This stage will require the child and parent to analyze different solutions. To start brainstorming, a parent might suggest, "What exactly should we analyze? What ideas do you have about our problem?" or "Two heads are better than one. I'm willing to bet you and I will come up with good ideas." To help find a solution to a problem, try to keep the following key points in mind:

Let the child be the first to suggest solutions. You will use your opportunity later;

Give the child enough time to think about his suggestions, especially if he is still small;

Be open, avoid judging, condemning or belittling the solutions proposed by the child;

Avoid statements that create in the child the belief that you will not accept any of the solutions proposed by him;

Support the child, especially in cases where several children are involved in the search for alternatives;

Brainstorm until you're sure you can't squeeze out new alternatives. As a rule, people generate the maximum number of ideas in the first 5-10 minutes.

Stage 3. Research, reflection, evaluation of alternative solutions.

This stage involves exploring and evaluating solutions that appear to be able to resolve the conflict or problem. All possible alternatives are played in the imagination, as well as the consequences of the decision made.

It is very important at this stage that the parent include the child in thinking and evaluating various decisions. A parent might say, "What do we think of the decisions we've made?" or "Is it possible to say that any solution is better than others?"

This phrase can be called the "screening" phrase. Decisions are discarded, only those that are acceptable to the child and parent remain. The parent should honestly express their feelings about the decision. This can be done with lines like "I'm not going to be very happy with this option" or "I don't feel like this suits my needs" or "This doesn't seem fair to me."

Stage 4. Choosing an alternative and implementing a solution. The choice of an alternative and the implementation of the solution will be easier if the remaining stages of the study of alternatives have been completed and an open and honest exchange of opinions has taken place between the parent and the child. In order to choose the best alternative, remember the following:

1. Ask questions like "Do you think this will lead us to a solution? Will everyone be happy with this solution? Does this solve our problem?"

2. Decisions are not specified. None of the decisions should be considered final and not subject to change. A parent might say to a child, "Sounds good, let's try it and see if this solves our problems?" or "I'd like to try this. How about you?"

3. Write down the decision on paper, especially if it includes a number of points, so that none is forgotten.

4. All participants must understand that everyone contributes to the search for a solution. Summing up, you can say: "It looks like we have reached an agreement" or "I think we are clear about our willingness to be ...".

It should be clear to all participants in the discussion what exactly is required of them and how mutual agreement can be reached. They should constantly address the questions: "Who?", "What?", "Where?", "How?". For example: "Who is responsible for what? When will we start and when will we finish? Where will all this take place? How will all this be carried out?"

Contradictions between housework and work "duties" can be resolved with questions such as: "How often? What days? What are the evaluation criteria." In sleep conflicts, the parent and child may discuss who should keep time, what happens if the child does not go to bed on time, or why the child does not want to go to bed.

Implementation issues should be discussed only after all participants in the discussion have finally spoken out about the solution to the problem. Implementation is usually easier when differences of opinion are resolved.

Stage 5. Choosing the right moment to evaluate the correctness of the decision.

This often overlooked stage is actually very important because not all decisions are in the best interests of everyone, parent or child. Therefore, both the child and the parent need to go back and consider how things are going, to what extent the chosen solution satisfies everyone. The child often agrees to a decision that later turns out to be difficult to implement. It is necessary to check with each other, asking: "How is the implementation of the solution going? Do you still consider it satisfactory?". Occasionally, new information emerges during the evaluation phase that requires a reconsideration of the original decision. Evaluation is an important part of the search for alternatives. Evaluation will show how successful the found solution turned out to be, whether any correction is necessary.

Attitudes play an important role in the search for alternatives. Both parent and child must:

Want to hear a partner;

Want to resolve the conflict;

Understand and, if possible, accept the feelings of your partner;

Believe that the other person can also find a good solution;

To look at another person as an independent person, with special feelings.

Forms of behavior that implement the installation of understanding, empathy, trust and acceptance include:

Eye contact (look at the partner, but do not drill him with a look);

Body language (natural relaxed open gestures and postures). This includes your own demeanor, expressing a desire to resolve the conflict;

Listening attentively to the partner, not so much related to what he says, but supporting him and encouraging him to continue and clarify his thoughts and feelings.

Why does the method of exploring alternatives work? The process of exploring alternatives is effective in resolving parent-child conflicts for the following reasons.

1. The child has a motive to find and implement a solution.

2. There is a chance to find the best solution.

3. The child's thinking abilities develop.

4. The democratic philosophy of parents leads to the best result.

5. There is harmony and love among family members.

6. The parent's tendency to coerce is weakened.

7. Eliminates the need for a show of strength from both the parent and the child.

8. Alternative research deals with the real problems of the people involved. Perhaps in some cases the method of exploring alternatives will not work, make sure that you go through all the stages of the process without missing a single point. If, in spite of everything, a solution is not found, it is useful to bear in mind the following.

1. Continue the discussion, but take a break. Sometimes after a break, people have new ideas about both the problem itself and how to solve it.

2. Go back to stage 2 and look for other possible solutions.

3. Encourage yourself and other participants in the discussion. One might ask, "Have we found all possible solutions?"

4. Look for the hidden problem. You might say, "Weird, what keeps us from solving the problem?".

As a rule, one or more of the proposed paths leads to a way out of the impasse.

The parent should keep in mind that at first the agreements reached may be violated for the following reasons.

1. The agreement turned out to be difficult to implement.

2. Lack of experience, self-discipline or self-regulation in the implementation of the plan.

3. The existing dependence of one participant in the conflict on another may also become an obstacle to its resolution.

4. Forgetfulness.

5. An attempt to test the true interest of the other participant.

6. One of the participants in the discussion only pretends to agree with the proposed solution, because he wants to do something else.

If the agreement is broken, the perpetrator needs to directly and honestly show what happened. This must be done as quickly as possible. This is a form of logical consequence.

The process of exploring alternatives will only work if both parent and child understand what is required of them.

When building a relationship with a child, it is important to have the ability to listen, respond, and explore alternatives. The main purpose of each of these skills is to make the child feel useful and competent. To do this, it is necessary to analyze the question "Who owns the problem?".

In parent-child relationships, as in any other, not everything goes smoothly. Sometimes there are problems and contradictions. You need to be prepared for the fact that such a moment will come and treat it as a normal phenomenon, with which the parent and child can work constructively.

The first question that a parent must decide when a problem arises is the question of whose problem it is.

Sometimes the problem belongs only to the child or only to the parent, in other cases it is divided between both depending on what one of them wants to achieve from the other, or the problem may concern the family as a whole.

In order for you as a parent to identify the "owner" of a problem, you need to ask yourself:

Whose problem is this?

Who is it hard for?

Who can't reach their goal?

What will help us figure out whether the child is the "owner" of the problem, or there is no relationship problem at all, or the "owner" is the parent?

1. A child has a problem due to the fact that his need is not satisfied. This is not a parental problem, because the child does not interfere with the parents in any way with his behavior. Here are examples of problems that belong to the child: Sveta feels that her friend Anya rejects her. Dima is not doing very well at school. Petya is upset that he failed to assemble a football team.

2. The child's personal needs are met, but the child's behavior prevents the parent from meeting his own needs. Therefore, the parent has a problem. Here are examples of parental problems: Tanya jumps on the couch; Lida interrupts you when you are talking with friends; Borya scatters his toys all over the house.

Parent, beware! Too often, parents mistakenly believe that all of their children's problems are their parents' problems as well. This is wrong and even harmful to the child. In fact, acting in accordance with such ideas, the parent deprives the child of the opportunity to try his hand at solving the problem.

Remember that the child has the right to find solutions to problems and solve them himself.

When the parent decides who exactly owns the problem, several paths open before him. For example, if the problem belongs to the child, the parent can choose what to do:

Listen carefully;

Look for alternatives;

Give the child the opportunity to face the consequences of his independence;

Combine the above. If the problem belongs to the parent, he can resort to independent research of alternatives.

Remember that a responsible parent must be able to determine who owns a given problem; he is satisfied by choosing the appropriate behavior leading to the emergence of mutual trust.

This type of conflict is one of the most common in everyday life. However, to a certain extent, it is bypassed by the attention of specialists - psychologists and teachers. We do not consider the problem of generational conflict, which is much broader and actively developed by sociologists. Out of more than 700 psychological and pedagogical works on the problem of conflict, it is unlikely that there will be a dozen or two publications that would focus on the problem of conflicts between parents and children. It is usually studied in the context of larger studies; family relations (V. Schumann), age crises (I. Kon), the impact of marital conflicts on the development of children (A. Ushatikov, A. Spivakovskaya), etc. However, it is impossible to find a family where there would be no conflicts between parents and children. Even in prosperous families, in more than 30% of cases, there are conflicting relationships (from the point of view of a teenager) with both parents (I. Gorkovaya).

Why do conflicts arise between parents and children? In addition to the general causes that produce conflict in the relationship of people, which are discussed above, there are psychological factors conflicts in the interaction of parents and children:
1. Type of family relationship. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations. In a harmonious family, a moving balance is established, which is manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.
Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relations, expressed in the conflict interaction of spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.
2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features of destructive types of education are distinguished:

• disagreements of family members on issues of education;
• inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;
• guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;
• increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations.

3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness. The following age crises of children are distinguished:

• crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);
• crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);
• crisis 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);
• puberty crisis (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years old);
• teenage crisis 15-17 years old (D. Elkonin).

4. personality factor. Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children, they distinguish a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (alcohol consumption, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts in question can be presented as the result of the mistakes of parents and children.

There are the following relationship types parents and children:

• the optimal type of relationship between parents and children; it cannot be called a need, but parents delve into the interests of children, and children share their thoughts with them;
• parents are more likely to delve into the concerns of children than children share with them (mutual dissatisfaction arises);
• rather, children feel a desire to share with parents than they delve into the concerns, interests and activities of children;
• behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, parents are more likely to be right;
• behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, children are more likely to be right;
• parents do not delve into the interests of children, and children do not feel like sharing with them (contradictions were not noticed by parents and grew into conflicts, mutual alienation - S. Godnik).

Most often, conflicts among parents arise with adolescent children. Psychologists distinguish the following conflict types teenagers with parents:

• conflict of instability of the parental relationship (constant change in the criteria for evaluating the child);
• conflict of overcare (excessive guardianship and overexpectations);
• conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control);
• conflict of paternal authority (the desire to achieve one's own in the conflict at any cost).

Usually the child responds to the claims and conflict actions of the parents with such reactions (strategies) as:

• reaction of the opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature);
• refusal reaction (disobedience to the requirements of parents);
• isolation reaction (the desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, hiding information and actions).

Based on this, the main areas of prevention Conflicts between parents and children may include:

1. Improving the pedagogical culture of parents, allowing to take into account the age-related psychological characteristics of children, their emotional states.
2. Family organization on a collective basis. Common perspectives, certain job responsibilities, traditions of mutual assistance, shared hobbies serve as the basis for identifying and resolving emerging contradictions.
3. Reinforcement of verbal requirements by the circumstances of the educational process.
4. Interest in the inner world of children, their worries and hobbies.

According to psychologists (D. Lashley, A. Royak, T. Yuferova, S. Yakobson), the following can contribute to the constructive behavior of parents in conflicts with young children:

• always remember the individuality of the child;
• take into account that each new situation requires a new solution;
• try to understand the requirements of a small child;
• remember that change takes time;
• perceive contradictions as factors of normal development;
• show constancy in relation to the child;
• often offer a choice of several alternatives;
• to approve different variants of constructive behavior;
• jointly seek a way out by changing the situation;
• decrease the number of "not allowed" and increase the number of "possible";
• apply punishments in a limited way, while respecting their justice and necessity;
• to give the child the opportunity to feel the inevitability of the negative consequences of his misdeeds;
• logically explain the possibility of negative consequences;
• expand the range of moral rather than material incentives;
• use the positive example of other children and parents;
• take into account the ease of switching attention in young children.

The relationship between parents and children has always been of great interest to humanity, because family conflicts between parents and children are one of the causes of social dangers of society. The Old Testament describes Noah's relationship with his sons Shem, Ham and Japheth, from whom the entire human generation was born after the Flood. According to biblical mythology, Ham was rather ill-mannered and rude. After drinking a lot of wine, Noah became drunk and lay naked, Ham laughed at his parental nakedness and wanted his brothers to do so, but they turned away and covered their father. That is, we see boorish behavior and attitude towards our own father.

Thus, there are two types of attitudes of adult children towards their elderly parents: gerontophilia (the attitude of Shem and Japheth, that is, respect and filial love), and gerontophobia (Ham's line, that is, disrespect and contempt). When considering the relationship "father - son" and "mother - daughter" there are such concepts as the complex of Oedipus and Electra.

This is the subconscious rivalry of the son with the father and the daughter with the mother, which persists for life.

In a man until later years, the same boy rebels, who suppresses all the feminine in himself and seeks to prove that he and his mother are not a single whole.

Factors leading to the causes of conflict interaction between parents and children

The very topic of the system of relations "children - old parents" is quite interesting. This is how it should be when the younger ones start to worry and take care of the older ones. But in most cases, people in old age resign themselves to their position, and sometimes they lose their independence, and they develop a complex of indecision, fear of confusing something.
Very specific are the relations of parents with children who have not reached the age of majority. Such conflicts between parents and children are the most common in family life. Consider some of the factors that are the causes of conflict interaction between parents and children. These include:

• type of intra-family relations;
• inefficiency of the parental attitude towards the child;
• age crises in a child;
• personality differences between parents and children;
• adverse influence of other people.

Type of family relationship

Allocate harmonious and disharmonious type of family relations. Harmonious relations are characterized by cooperation, mutual assistance, equality of all family members.

In a harmonious family:

• adults communicate with children in a friendly tone;
• correctly direct his behavior, praise, expressing their advice;
• parents allow discussions about certain events related to the actions and behavior of the child;
• parents, as a rule, do not emphasize their leadership position.

Such a family is characterized by a democratic style of raising a child; such parental actions give the effect of understanding, acceptance and understanding of the child's personality.

In a disharmonious family, there is:

• conflict interaction of spouses;
• tension;
• the inability to find a decent way of communication between parents and children;
• the feelings and emotions of the parties are not taken into account;
• distance is maintained in relationships and further exacerbates family conflicts between parents and children

Such behavior leads to neurotic reactions of family members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

Inefficiency of the parental relationship with the child

Conflictologists identify four reasons for the ineffectiveness of the parental attitude towards the child:
pedagogical and psychological incompatibility of parents (ignorance of parents

• psychological characteristics of children of a certain age;
• uncritically learned stereotypes of parenting (authoritarian is based on prohibitions);
• liberal - do what you want - the main cause of the social dangers of society;
• personal problems and characteristics of parents;
• features of communication with other family members.

Age crises in a child

Age crises in children are transitional periods from one stage of a child's development to another. During such periods of crisis, children become naughty, capricious, irritable and aggressive. The following age-related crises in children are distinguished (D. Elkonin, Doctor of Psychology, Professor, specialist in child psychology):

• crisis of the first year of life;
• crisis of three years (transition from early childhood to preschool age);
• crisis 6-7 years (the period of transition from preschool to primary school age);
• the crisis of puberty (which is considered the period of transition from primary school age to adolescence at about 12-14 years old);
• teenage crisis (15-17 years).

Personal differences between parents and children

These disadvantages for parents include:

• cold;
• exactingness;
• conservatism;
• excessive rationalism;
• lack of tenderness;
• increased anxiety;
• abuse of bad habits.

Unfavorable personality traits of children include:

• low academic performance;
• systematic violation of the rules of conduct;
• stubbornly ignoring the recommendations of parents;
• disobedience, stubbornness, egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness.

Unfavorable influence of other significant people (except parents)

This refers to the negative interference in the process of raising a child by grandparents. Timely prevention of family conflicts depends on all family members and, of course, primarily on the married couple themselves. Although sometimes family conflicts can be positive, in general they should not be allowed.

For each specific case, there are many useful tips in the literature. Here are the most common ways to prevent family conflicts:

• the formation of psychological and pedagogical culture in a married couple;
• upbringing of children, taking into account their individual psychological and age characteristics, as well as their emotional state;
• the formation of family traditions, the development of mutual assistance, mutual responsibility, trust and respect;
• formation of a culture of communication.

The solution to a family conflict may have several options, namely: reaching agreement and a mutually beneficial compromise on controversial issues, running away from the family, deprivation of parental rights, divorce.
This type of conflict is one of the most common in everyday life. However, it, to a certain extent, is bypassed by the attention of specialists - psychologists and educators. For some reason, the problem of generational conflict is much more widely and actively developed by sociologists. In more than a thousand psychological and pedagogical works on the problem of conflict, it is unlikely that there will be a dozen other publications that would focus on the problem of conflicts between parents and children. This problem is usually studied in the context of larger studies; family relationships, age crises, the impact of marital conflicts on the development of children, etc. But, in reality, it is impossible to find a family where there would be no conflicts between parents and children. This is a very complex and diverse topic, because even in well-to-do families, in more than 30% of cases, conflict relationships (from the point of view of a teenager) with both parents are revealed. And the same figure is found in dysfunctional families. On these conclusions, the main task of social activity should be built, as the cause of the social dangers of society, according to the correct approach to the timely resolution of family conflicts between parents and children.

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One of the most common types of family conflicts are conflicts between parents and children. Even in prosperous families in more than a third of cases there are conflicting relationships between children and both parents. At the heart of conflicts between parents and children, as a rule, are psychological and pedagogical factors that affect the interaction between parents and children. This:

1. Type of family relationship. Harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations are determined. IN harmonious family a relative balance is established, manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions. Family disharmony manifests itself in the negative nature of marital relations, expressed in the conflict interaction of spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

2. Destructiveness of family education.

Allocate certain features of destructive types of education; disagreements of family members on issues of education; contradiction, inconsistency, inadequacy of the actions of parents in relation to the child; guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives; increased demands on children, frequent use of threats and punishments.

3. Age crisis of children, which is a transitional period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements to the point of stubbornness. The following age crises of children are determined: first year crisis(transition from infancy to early childhood) three year crisis(transition from early childhood to preschool age) crisis 6-7 years(transition from preschool to primary school age); puberty crisis(transition from primary and secondary school to adolescence -11-13 years old) teen crisis 14-16 years old.

4. personality factor Among the personal qualities of parents that lead to conflicts with children, there are a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (drinking alcohol, etc.), authoritarianism and orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal qualities of children are low academic performance, violations of the rules of behavior , ignoring the recommendations and instructions of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc.

Usually the child responds to the claims and conflict actions of the parents with certain reactions, which primarily include: the reaction of the opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature); refusal reaction (disobedience to the requirements of parents); isolation reaction (desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, hiding information).

As practice shows, most often conflicts in parents arise with adolescent children. Psychologists define these types of conflicts between teenagers and parents: conflict of instability of the parental relationship (constant change in the criteria for evaluating the child); the conflict of over-turbo (excessive guardianship and nadchikuvannya) the conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (the totality of instructions and control); conflict of paternal authority (the desire to achieve one's own in the conflict at any cost). In these cases the main directions of prevention conflicts between parents and children can be:

1. Increasing the pedagogical culture of parents, allowing to take into account personal characteristics, age-related psychological characteristics of children, their emotional states.

2. Organization of a family on a collective basis with the performance of certain labor duties by children together with adults, the introduction of traditions of mutual assistance, joint hobbies, which are the basis for identifying and resolving emerging contradictions.

3. Reinforcing the verbal demands of parents regarding the child by the circumstances of the educational process.

4. The interest of parents in the inner world of children, their problems, worries, interests, hobbies and condition, and so on.

conclusions

So, interpersonal conflicts are conflicts between individuals in the process of their social and psychological interaction.

1. There are different approaches to the study of interpersonal conflicts, however, most researchers believe that they have objective causes, subjective manifestations, various manifestations, specific factors, high emotional stress.

2. Interpersonal conflicts manifest themselves in all spheres of life (team, society, family) and are manageable, which comes down to studying the causes and factors, the impact on the sphere of conflict relations, the choice of strategy and behavior.

3. The causes of such conflicts, both socio-psychological and personal, in fact, psychological. The former include: loss and distortion of information in the process of interpersonal communication, unbalanced role interaction between two people, differences in the methods of evaluating the activities of individuals, tense interpersonal relationships, the desire for power, psychological incompatibility, etc.

4. A key role in family conflict relations is played by marital conflicts. They arise because of the dissatisfaction of the needs of the spouses. Family conflicts have psycho-traumatic consequences: a state of complete family dissatisfaction, "family anxiety", neuropsychic stress, a state of guilt.

5. Conflicts between parents and children arise from the destructiveness of intra-family relations, shortcomings in family education, age-related crises of children, individually psychological characteristics of parents and children. Conflict-free communication between parents and children is facilitated by an increase in the pedagogical culture of parents, organization of the family on a collective basis, reinforcement of verbal requirements by the organization of education, and the interest of parents in the inner world of children.

Conflict management Sheinov Viktor Pavlovich

8.1. Causes of parent-child conflicts

The family, of course, is far from the only environment where the formation of the child's personality takes place. And yet, in Russian psychology and pedagogy, there is a conviction that even the most gross mistakes of teachers usually do not have such a fatal effect on the development of a child’s personality as the wrong behavior of parents, their misunderstanding of children and the conflicts resulting from this.

Consider the factors that are most often the cause of conflict interaction between parents and children.

Type of family relationship. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations. For harmonious family relationships characterized by cooperation and mutual assistance, equality of all members of the family union, flexibility of assessments and behavior depending on the situation or the state of family members, the formation of a family "we", stimulating the development of individuality. In such a family, adults communicate with the child in a comradely tone, correctly guide his behavior, praise and encourage him, giving advice at the same time, allow discussions about his orders and do not emphasize his leadership position. This family is characterized by a democratic style of raising children.

IN disharmonious family there is a conflict interaction, alienation, tension, the inability to find acceptable ways to communicate with each other, a protracted violation of the psychological climate. The feelings and emotions of the other are not taken into account, the distance is maintained in the relationship. This leads to neurotic reactions of family members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

A. Ya. Varga identifies four reasons for the ineffectiveness of the parental attitude towards the child:

1) pedagogical and psychological incompatibility of a parent with a child, parents' ignorance of the age-related psychological characteristics of children;

2) lack of flexibility and following dubious stereotypes in raising children;

3) personal problems and characteristics of parents (or one parent) that they bring to communication with the child (as a rule, parents do not see the connection between their problems and difficulties in raising a child);

4) flaws in communication with other family members and relatives that affect the child.

The most typical case - conflict communication of parents affects their attitude towards the child.

To the above, we can also add the use by parents of such destructive parenting styles as:

authoritarian(or autocratic) style, which is characterized by stereotypical assessments and behavior, ignoring the individual characteristics of children, rigidity of attitudes, the prevalence of disciplinary influences, arrogance, coldness and dictate. Communication is limited to brief business orders, is conducted strictly and unfriendly, is based on prohibitions;

liberal(or conniving) style, manifested in the detachment and alienation of family members from each other, indifference to the affairs and feelings of another. In relationships and communication, the principle of "do what you want" is implemented. In such a family, parents, as a rule, are indifferent to the fate of the child. This can provoke the development of aggressiveness and criminal inclinations, which sooner or later will lead to family conflicts.

The main types of family situations that give rise to acute dissatisfaction with their existence in children are revealed. N.V. Grishina notes: “It usually occurs in the so-called “authoritarian families” that deprive the child of the measure of independence he needs, as well as in families with the manipulative nature of the parents’ treatment of the child. The result of this is the child's need to "escape from domestic captivity." According to D. G. Trunov, “the dramatic situations that play out in the family, in their depths, hide an interpersonal conflict that has existed for a long time and is awaiting its resolution.” The same can be said about the options for “leaving the family” up to street homelessness, which, in the context of weakening social control, takes on fairly common forms and is an indicator of family distress and, in particular, the ineffective implementation of parental functions by adults. In search of a more detailed description of the relationship between parents and children, one can turn to psychotherapeutic experience, in particular, to the works of A. I. Zakharov, a specialist in childhood neuroses.

Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children, they distinguish a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (alcohol consumption, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are called such, as poor academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc.

Usually the child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of the parents with the following reactions: opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature); refusal (disobedience to the requirements of parents); isolation (the desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, secrecy in relation to them).

Conflicts can be the result of the actions of both parents and children. There are the following relationship types parents and children:

Parents delve into the interests of children, and children share their thoughts with them - this is the optimal type of relationship between parents and children;

Rather, parents delve into the concerns of children than children share with them (mutual dissatisfaction arises);

Rather, children feel a desire to share with their parents than they delve into the cares, interests and activities of children;

The behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, the parents are more likely to be right;

The behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, children are more likely to be right;

Parents do not delve into the interests of children, and children do not feel like sharing with them (contradictions were ignored by parents and grew into conflicts, mutual alienation).

Neglect of the child is very common in families with the so-called hypoprotection. This is a parenting style in which the child is on the periphery of the parents' attention and comes into their field of vision only when something serious happens (illness, injury, etc.). Parents do not show any interest in the child and can completely ignore both his natural (sleep, food) and psychological (love, tenderness, care) needs.

Parents who profess this style of parenting see the child as a burden that interferes with their own affairs. Therefore, a child in such a family is not only emotionally isolated, but very often punished when he tries to satisfy his needs in one way or another.

Factors of increased conflict are age crises of children. The age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness. D. B. Elkonin singled out the following age-related crises of children:

Crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);

Crisis of three years (transition from early childhood to preschool age);

Crisis 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

The crisis of puberty (the transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years);

Teen Crisis 15–17.

Parents often have conflicts with their children. adolescence. E. A. Sokolova identifies the following types of conflicts between adolescents and their parents: instability of parenting(constant change in the criteria for assessing the child); conflict overconcern(excessive guardianship and superexpectations); conflict disrespect for autonomy(totality of instructions and control); conflict paternal authority(the desire to achieve one's own in a conflict at any cost).

L. B. Filonov believes that adolescents are characterized by a peculiar behavior focused on “search for the limits of what is acceptable”. It is expressed in provoking, almost conscious aggravation of relations, which the teenager goes to, the purpose of which is "in a kind of finding out" the reaction of other people to some specific acts of his behavior. “He seeks to correlate situations of communication with persons who appear to him as “opposing” and his own behavior. Basically, he is looking for types of objections, types of assessments, ways of arguing, etc.” . In essence, the process of mastering various forms of social interaction, necessary for normal development, is under way. The phenomenon of "provoking" in the communication of children with adults may have another meaning. According to Western researchers, "a child can "get" an adult until he has a reaction, for example, in the form of an aggressive emotional breakdown, because this frees the child from fear in the manifestation of his own destructive feelings in action" .

T. V. Dragunova draws attention to the fact that both parties, both children and adults, experience the difficulties of transition to new forms of relations. Often they are not ready to expand the rights of a teenager due to the persistence of the inertia of the "custodial" relationship, as well as in connection with the continued dependence of children on their parents and their real inability to act independently and make decisions.

The "rebellious" behavior of adolescents, correspondingly coloring their relationship with their parents, in itself can cause complications and conflicts in the family. However, not all conflicts between “fathers and children” come down to this.

The main problem of their relationship is the difficulty of transferring cultural norms and ideas from one generation to another. It is known that the acceleration of the pace of social development leads to a deepening of the gap between generations, which, in conditions of instability and abrupt social changes, makes "fathers and sons" representatives of not just different cultures, but also different "worlds". Parents' attempts to realize their position under these conditions are difficult, and even run into direct resistance from children.

Many parents, even those who believe that this should not be done, have to punish their children. However, psychologists express great doubts about the fact that punishments have an effect if used to raise children. It's just parental delusion. It seems to them that, by resorting to punishment, they can force children to obey and correct themselves. In essence, parents thus show only their impatience and anger.

1. Very often, punishment does not correct the child's behavior, but only transforms it. One offense is replaced by another. But at the same time, it can still remain wrong and even more harmful to the child.

2. Punishment makes the child fear losing parental love. He feels rejected and often becomes jealous of his brother or sister, and sometimes his parents.

3. A punished child may have a hostile feeling towards his parents, and this creates a monstrous dilemma in his mind. On the one hand, parents are adults, rebellion against them is by no means impossible, on the other hand, he is still too dependent on them to benefit from his enmity, not to mention the fact that he still loves his parents. And as soon as these two feelings - love and hatred - unite in him, a conflict immediately arises.

4. Frequent punishment one way or another leads to the fact that the child remains immature, infantile. Usually he is punished for some childish trick. But the desire to achieve the forbidden does not disappear, and the child decides that, perhaps, it is not worth giving it up, if you can pay with just a punishment. That is, he suffers punishment in order to pay off, clear his conscience and continue in the same spirit - and so on ad infinitum.

5. Punishment can help a child get the attention of their parents. Although children primarily need parental love, they often seek even such a pathetic imitation of love as simple attention. Indeed, sometimes it is much easier to attract the attention of parents by violating prohibitions than to remain kind and obedient all the time.

As a result of appropriate upbringing and constant punishment, nothing remains of love for relatives but appearance or habit. But often there is not even this, and the children act against the family. In life, they play the role of people who have not developed relationships with people, and they see something hostile in their neighbors. They are always on the alert so that someone else does not deceive them. Very often one can hear from such children that they are ready to “tear apart” their parents. Distrust creeps into every relationship. Because of him, life together becomes more complicated all the time. They also often have destructive tendencies. Cowardly deceit grows in them by itself because of their insufficient trust in themselves and in others.

One of the most dangerous phenomena in the relationship between parents and children is violence. As shown in numerous studies, most often in parent-child relationships, the parent acts as the aggressor, and the children play the role of victims.

The risk of violence against a child increases if the aggressor and the victim have certain physical, psychological or behavioral characteristics and abilities. In the study of I. A. Furmanov, these features were revealed. We will quote them, following the indicated author:

“Identity of the aggressor (parent) has the following characteristics:

Aggressiveness, dominance, impulsivity, rigidity, rapid irritability (especially to provocative behavior of the child), low stress resistance, emotional lability, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, dependence, low level of empathy and openness, isolation, suspicion and disturbed processes of self-identification;

Discontent and negative self-awareness, feeling unhappy, dissatisfied with their family life, negative attitude of the parent towards others and inadequate social expectations regarding the child;

Lack of ability to negotiate, resolve conflicts and problems, cope with stress, ask for help from others;

Certain psychopathological deviations (neuroticism, depression, suicidal tendencies);

Alcoholism and drug addiction;

Health problems (abnormal pregnancy, interrupted pregnancy, difficult childbirth);

Emotional immunity and mental retardation;

Underdevelopment of parenting skills and feelings.

Identity of the victim (child) are distinguished by the following characteristics:

Apathy, isolation, indifference, excessive dependence, deceit;

Irritability, aggressiveness, rebelliousness, disobedience, impulsivity, hyperactivity, unpredictable behavior, sleep disturbances, enuresis;

Nail biting, nose picking, antics, manipulation of the genitals;

Lack of independence, lack of communication skills, lack of friends;

Acquired injuries, low intelligence, health disorders (hereditary or chronic diseases, including mental ones);

Features of appearance that distinguish these children from others or are hard experienced by parents, with which they cannot reconcile in any way (“big-eared”, “hunched”, “bow-legged”, “fat”).

In addition, these may be unwanted children, as well as those who were born after the loss of the previous child by the parents, premature children who have low birth weight at birth, children living in a large family where the interval between births of children was small, children whose gestation and the birth was difficult for the mothers, who were often ill and separated from their mother during the first year of life.

Each of the above features or a combination of them increase family distress and the likelihood of child abuse.

A special group of conflicts are the conflicts of parents with adult children (meaning with children who have made up their minds in life, have a profession, as well as a family living with their parents together or separately).

The following difficulties in the interaction of parents with adult children are distinguished:

Lack of contact with children - a lack of understanding of how they live, what they are interested in, the inability to talk heart to heart with them, a feeling of parental uselessness, alienation to the child;

Disrespectful, harsh attitude towards parents, constant quarrels and conflicts over trifles;

Anxiety for children caused by the fact that they do not live the way they should live (from the point of view of parents). Often, at the same time, parents perceive their children as unhappy, unfortunate, confused, lonely (the son dropped out of college, the daughter had two abortions);

Problems associated with non-standard, deviant behavior of children (alcohol, computer or gambling, etc.);

Conflicts over the "wrong" upbringing of grandchildren;

Difficulties arising from the desire of parents to give advice and interfere in the personal life of their children, including family.

It seems natural for parents to give advice, guidance, and make decisions for their children. In the beginning, one way or another, the child relies on parental guidance and guidance. But when he grows up, he has a need for self-affirmation and freedom of choice. Some parents find it hard to admit. As a result, the son (or daughter) may become angry, irritable, or withdrawn as he seeks more freedom and responsibility that his parents are unwilling to grant him. This is where fertile ground is created for a specific family conflict, which the American psychologist J. G. Scott called the "responsibility trap." This is actually a conflicting problem of excessive responsibility of parents for their children, which the latter not only does not share, but, on the contrary, is rejected. Such a conflict takes on especially acute and severe forms when parents, losing control over their son or daughter, notice that at the same time they lose their significance as individuals, because they have not been able to sufficiently prove themselves at work or in another vital area of ​​activity.

E. M. Babosov notes: “The process of conflict and its consequences are especially painful for the interacting parties when parents, on the one hand, and a married son (or married daughter) with their spouse, on the other, fall into the “responsibility trap” .

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