Why can others not love. Why some are loved and others are not, and how to make them love. Keep a positive attitude

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There are 3 stages of love, and at each of them different hormones are used. Moreover, it has long been proven that the changes occurring in our brain when we fall in love are comparable to mental illness. But what exactly happens to our body and inside it? And why do we like some people more than others? Science gives its answers.

website invites you to get acquainted with 7 interesting studies, experiments and facts that will tell a little more about us, as well as give the keys to more productive and useful communication with other people.

SMS with a dot at the end are perceived as false and / or evil

Scientists from Binghamton University in the United States, led by psychology professor Celia Klin, conducted an experiment involving 126 students. They were given dialogues to read, consisting of 2 replicas: in the first one there was a question, in the second - different variations of answers, consisting of one word like “yes”, “yeah”, “of course”, etc. The main feature of the answers was the presence or absence of dots at the end. After familiarization, the participants were asked to rate the degree of veracity of the answer and, surprisingly, in most cases, answers without dots were rated as more sincere, and with a dot - false.

In correspondence, we are deprived of the opportunity to exchange non-verbal signals, such as facial expressions, tone and volume of voice, body movements. All sorts of things come to replace them: capital letters and exclamation marks when we scream and get angry, deliberately made spelling mistakes when we strive to show disinterest or employment. The period is a signal of firmness of intention and the final end of the conversation, as explained by linguistics professor Mark Liberman (Mark Liberman). Therefore, a person who puts it at the end of his remark seems to us evil.

We behave better when we are expected to.

According to the Pygmalion effect, we treat people in a way that matches our perceptions of them. This, in turn, encourages the person to behave in ways that confirm the expectations of others.

In an article in Harvard Magazine, social psychologist Amy Cuddy explains: “If you think someone is a jerk, you treat them in a way that makes them exhibit unwanted behavior. And then you exclaim: “Here! I told you he was a moron!“ This is one of the most dangerous misconceptions, which ultimately leads to the fact that people begin to believe stereotypes and hang labels. Although in fact the scheme is simple and everything comes from our own thoughts and beliefs, for example: “I think that thin people are evil -> I treat a thin person with irritation in advance -> a thin person manifests himself negatively.”

Knowing this pattern, you can use it to your advantage and, depending on the situation, treat a person in such a way that he behaves in the right way.

We are attracted to people who have traits we like about ourselves and traits that we lack in ourselves.

This rule worked, works and will always work, although sometimes they don’t think about it. And it consists of two simple parts:

we like people who have what we like about ourselves;
and in which there are such positive qualities that overlap what we hate in ourselves.

Consider on simple example: There is a pretty girl who is proud of her appearance but hates that she is too shy and reserved. And now she meets a guy who is just as handsome, but, in addition, very charismatic and self-confident. So much so that it compensates for her own insecurities. This mixture of certain qualities makes him a great match for her, because they are similar and not similar at the same time, which complement each other.

We are more likely to trust strangers who remind us of someone who once earned our trust.

A group of researchers from the United States conducted an experiment in which they gave 29 participants the choice of keeping $10 or investing all (or some) with one of 3 strangers in photographs. During a variety of games, the participants noticed that one of these men often shared the profits from investments, the second shared periodically, and the third very rarely.

Then the second part of the experiment began. The players were asked to choose a partner for new game. 4 people in the photo were completely new, while the remaining 54 photos were manipulated in Photoshop and the people in them became more or less similar to the players from the previous challenge.

As a result of the experiment, it became clear that participants tend to choose as partners people who were similar to those with whom they played for the first time and who made a good impression. At the same time, more than 68% of the participants rejected photos of players who had any physical resemblance to the third man from the first game, who rarely shared profits and was unreliable.

Our brain is able to calculate someone else's popularity

In almost all social groups, the popularity of certain people determines social status and connections. But how do we recognize that certain people are popular, even when collective preferences differ from our own tastes?

In one study published in the journal PNAS, experts asked volunteers to rate the popularity of people in social media photos. At the same time, the brains of the participants were carefully scanned. The result of the experiment was the understanding that when trying to guess the popularity of some members social group certain areas of the brain are activated. That is, how attractive other people are to others is determined by a special neural system. It connects both affective (emotional) evaluation and social cognition systems to solve the problem, which ultimately play a decisive role in the accuracy of the verdict.

We like to be treated the way we want.

People want to be perceived in accordance with their own ideas about themselves. We all seek confirmation of our views, positive or negative. This phenomenon has been tested many times at different universities: subjects with positive and negative perceptions of themselves were asked with whom they would like to communicate - with people who have a positive impression of them or a negative one.

Participants with a positive self-image preferred people who thought well of them, while others preferred critics. This is because people like to deal with those who provide feedback according to their self-identification. Thus, if the other person's idea of us matches our own, communication flows smoothly because we feel understood.

The more symmetrical a person's appearance, the more beautiful he seems to us.

Looking at handsome man, you are unlikely to exclaim: “Wow, he is so symmetrical!” However, many studies confirm that the symmetry of the face and body plays big role how attractive the person is. Of course, a completely symmetrical person does not exist, because biology is not perfect. However, it has been scientifically proven that the lower the level of oxidative stress (which consists in the accumulation of active damaging agents - the so-called free radicals) in a person, the more symmetrical it is.

An article from The Independent magazine tells of an experience in which 10 measurements were taken into account to assess the symmetry of the appearance of several men - a variety of things like the height of the ears and the length of the fingers. Then tests were made to assess the level of the same stress, which was mentioned above. As a result, a group of women were asked to evaluate photographs of the figures and faces of those men for physical attractiveness. As a result, the men with the most symmetrical performance and the least stress levels were named the most attractive.

I would like to start the disclosure of the topic with a popular truth. Whom that overwhelms, then he radiates. I am not saying that all free ladies or those who suffer from unrequited love are "rich" in flaws. However, there are common "wrong" points in the behavior that require adjustment. And in order to find the long-awaited happiness, let's study them in more detail.

Why some are loved and others are not: you - to me, I - to you

To understand the causes of failure in your personal life, try to understand what you are doing wrong. And in order to understand this, let's pay attention to what the relationship between a man and a woman is based on from the point of view of the greatest science - psychology. (Read also).

Energy exchange is important in relationships. This can be seen clearly in a simple real-life example. Imagine that you are a salesperson. A buyer came to you - a handsome man. And here it is, the main point - you give him the goods for free. Of course, the motives may be different, but the essence of the feelings that fill you at this moment is such that you will experience some dissatisfaction. After all, part of the energy was given away in the form of a commodity, but they did not receive payment in return. And if our story is turned in a slightly different direction, it will turn out very well - you give him the goods, he pays for the purchase. In this case, everyone is happy. After all, the energy exchange took place.
The same thing happens in relationships with men. As soon as you start running after him, and he does not take any action on his part, you begin to experience a feeling of dissatisfaction, confusion. There is a decrease in self-esteem - after all, the chosen one does not reciprocate. Hence, there are problems in relationships with men.

In order to no longer be an attacker and receive in return our portion of happiness and good mood, let's change our approach and revise our behavior.

Why do some love and others do not: and he wants it?

Let's continue with the store. A buyer has come to you, what will you do? You can immediately start offering a product, but it's best to do it differently - ask a question to find out why he came to you? Depending on this, make an offer and form an algorithm of actions in order to get that same magical energy.

If we translate the situation into relationships, then in the life of such examples - darkness is dark. A handsome man looms on the horizon, and the girls, like flies, stick to him. And after all, everyone strives to tighten down the aisle. But before you spend so much time and effort, first scout him - does he need family relationships?

So it turns out that independent, self-sufficient, able to calculate steps forward, are preferred by men. And all because with their foresight, the ladies simply “bite” men right away. And a self-respecting girl will never hang herself on a gentleman. In fact, she just feels sorry for her own time for a person who has the right to build his life the way he wants.

But there is another category of women. (Read also). By hook or by crook, they are ready to achieve what they want - to drag the chosen one to the registry office. But before you decide on such a desperate step, think - "is the game worth the candle?". If we continue the "shop story", in the end there is a great risk of "bargaining".

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Well, I'm going in an elevator, with a stranger. Just an elevator companion. I look in the mirror, straighten my hair and ask him: beautiful? He confirms - beautiful! - and ready! Ready to eat from my hands.

Why does a successful woman need a man?

There is only one answer - for love. Yes, it sounds so simple, but it is far from being so simple in life. For love that does not limit, does not force, does not oppress or subdue. For love, which respects, preserves the inner and physical space of the other, which develops and supports. This is mutual care, support, acceptance and recognition of value. This is sex, which with love qualitatively becomes completely different. There is no other reason to be together.
Perhaps this is adult love. When there is no ardent desire to possess, but there is a calm desire to be in order yourself and bring joy to another. You feel good, tasty, comfortable, interesting alone, and together there are more colors, and the sensations are brighter.
And I again agreed with the idea that true love is possible only between self-sufficient people. When you do not need to solve your problems at someone else's expense, you can feel and appreciate the person himself. And this desire is not frantic, but even. It will happen, it will happen. No means no.

So, “Why does an accomplished woman need a man?”.

I remember once reading an article where one man popularly explained why accomplished men over forty do not need a permanent relationship. Say, there is enough money so that there is someone to do homework: cook, wash, iron, clean the house, etc. You can always find someone to go out with, and there will be more than one option. If we talk about the benefits of regular sex in a permanent relationship, then, firstly, for a mature man, this issue is not so relevant, and secondly, if you are successful, then having sex is not a problem at all. In addition, a mature man, in addition to his work, is full of hobbies and various activities: hunting, basketball (football, volleyball, etc.), sauna with friends, traveling, fishing, etc. And no time limit! No one burdens you with the fact that you owe something to someone: arrive on time, do not forget to give a present, drop in somewhere “along the way”, think, take care, etc. And in the comments, people tried to convince that it’s good, they say, a kindred spirit is nearby, that a person has not met true love, therefore, it tries to decompose its existence into components.

For the past few days, I have been thinking too ... And I can’t find reasons ... Why does an accomplished woman need a man?
Let's immediately discard the arguments "from time immemorial" and "inherited by nature." We are talking here and now about the present tense, ok?

So… Joint life. Honestly? A man's life together only burdens. It does not burden a man, but he burdens himself. Moreover, scattered socks are generally a trifle. What is usually put into a man by his mother? You must be looked after. And I, being an independent, separate person, just can not understand with what joy. With what joy should I follow the cleanliness of clothes, satiety and grooming of the same adult as myself? He won't follow mine, will he? If I have a need to take care of someone, then this need is more than compensated for by children and animals. So caring for another adult is only on conditions: you - to me, I - to you.
I will say more, at the sweet age of forty, there is a need to take care of you. I am already close to inviting a housekeeper to cook and clean myself, and not aggravate my existence with obligatory breakfasts, lunches, dinners with the advent of serious relationship. So come to me or me to yourself - only in order to make my life easier, and not hang yourself on me.

Next moment. It is generally accepted that a man should provide where and what the family lives on. What if you did it yourself? And, in general, you continue to cope normally? There is an apartment. Made the repair. Even worries on occasions: “and who will nail a nail and hang a mirror?”, “Who will connect washing machine?”, “oh, no one to assemble the furniture!” turns out to be quite successfully solved by specially trained people. And yes, I now do not know the work that cannot be done for money. Without any favors, repairs are done at the service station for money, and for the money they organize the passage of a technical inspection.

Tell me, what about support? Swimming, we know. A weak man, psychologically unstable - and strives to jump off. For support, women are more reliable. Visit in the hospital. To lend money. Smoke with beer in the evening. Speak out under cards in a cafe. Heart-to-heart talk is generally better done with women. Well, you get the idea.
Oh yes, important! Sex. The situation is the same as for men. No problem. Moreover, the options are from 22 years old to ... Well, this is already a matter of taste. The presence of a serious relationship seems to promise a regular and high-quality one, but in practice it is far from guaranteed. For men, after all, the same pens happen as for women: “tired”, “trouble at work”, “not at all up to it”, “nuuuu, if you stir me up” (this is generally fu-fu-fu!). The minus of habitual sex is also that when a man examines a woman's body, he becomes even more primitive (a man, in a sense) than he really is: he pressed this button, then stroked it. The whole prelude is five minutes, the actual act is three. So let me disagree: the newcomers are trying!)))

Further not so important, but interesting. I watch the series, I watch TNT, I watch the Comedy Club. And I think… Happiness. Fortunately, no one grabs the remote control and starts looking for news on all TV channels. It's lucky that no one tells me that only stupid women watch TV shows. Luckily, no one bothers me in the evening. Lucky that I can pour myself a glass of wine. Or a glass of cognac. And no one will say reproachfully: “You won’t get drunk?”. Happiness that I can drink coffee at 11 pm and not listen to: “Can you fall asleep later?”. I'm lucky that I can decide for myself if I can sleep or not. Happiness is that I can watch 16 episodes of the series I like in one day, and no one takes out my brain about this. I am happy that I do what I want, I work in the way I want. No one looks over my shoulder when I write and comments: “Some kind of dregs!” or “You’re texting guys again!”. Nobody speaks about my clients: “What kind of suckers go to you?”. And for sure, only I myself determine what makeup suits me, what I should wear, what color to dye my hair, and in general, how long my hair should be.

In general, I'm satisfied. Satisfied with what is. I love. For this I have a little boy and a big girl. Mom, sister, my godchildren. My dear friends.
There are many more things you want. Thai boxing, Osho dynamic meditations, salsa, tango, travel, outlandish cuisines of the world, the same jewelry, movies and works of art, sophisticated authors and new books, grooming, English and Chinese, and… Being yourself, helping people.
Well, give me at least one reason - why does an accomplished woman need a man?

My new article for lady.tsn.ua.

Why do some women love and others just want

There are women who, as soon as they get divorced, immediately get married. And every time for love. There are women who are loved all their lives, they have many male friends who are secretly in love with them. And there are others who really want love, but get only sex without obligations. Why is this happening?

What's inside, so outside

A woman who is only wanted does not seem to believe that she is worthy of love. She does not give herself the right to love. Such a woman can undergo many trainings to reveal her femininity, read affirmations in front of a mirror, convincing herself that she deserves a happy relationship, but somewhere very deep inside herself she will have the conviction that love and happy relationship in this world for someone else, but not for her.

They say you need to love yourself, and then others will love you. This is true. But in words this may seem like an easy task, but in reality it is impossible.

On a starvation diet

Without noticing it herself, a woman who only wants, as if sitting on a starvation ration. She reaches out to men from a hunger for love. Because of this hunger, she often betrays her feelings and desires, agrees to conditions that would not suit a self-respecting woman, allows her to violate her boundaries. Men, seeing how she betrays herself, also betray her. Not because they are evil and insensitive, but because they read her behavior as something that suits her. Because she doesn't mind. And if he does object, then very quietly, as if plaintively, because he is afraid of being rejected.

Often a woman chooses emotionally cold partners for herself, they can be unavailable (married), dependent (alcoholics or drug addicts) or incapable of a long-term serious relationship. Often such women have the idea that they will melt the heart of an inaccessible man with their love and receive warmth and closeness from him.

cold parent

A woman who is only wanted cannot love herself. In her, in the structure of her personality, there is no part that can give the love that she needs and satisfy her hunger. Instead of kind, loving, and accepting "inner parents," she has an angry stepmother and/or a cold, rejecting father. Surely in childhood she experienced the trauma of rejection, her mother or father did not give her love in the amount to form the belief: "I am who I am, worthy of love." When a girl grows up, cold and rejecting parents are already placed inside her personality and continue to refuse her love.

warm yourself from the inside

Often women who are unhappy in love hope that sooner or later they will meet the only one who will love them and make them happy. Each man with whom she begins a relationship, such a woman can "appoint" that one, immediately opening up to him and becoming addicted. After, when she realizes that she has again fallen into the same relationship "sex without commitment", she experiences great disappointment and pain. Each time, having promised herself that next time everything will be different, she again steps on the same rake - the man offers her only sex, but does not want a serious relationship and love with her.

To get out of the vicious circle, you need to kill in yourself the hope of saturating yourself with warmth and love from the outside and find a way to give this love to yourself on your own. That is, to "settle" inside oneself instead of an evil stepmother and a cold father, kind, loving, accepting parents. This is very difficult to do without the help of a psychotherapist. Only by warming yourself from the inside and learning to give warmth and love, and not expect someone else to give it, you can begin to receive love from men, and not just sex.

Why do some women attract men and others don't?

And in order for you to be the most desirable and the only one for the right man, remember one key relationship law: “Significance = what he is ready to do, so that you are there, so that you choose him.” That is, we see a direct relationship between the actions of a man and the level of your significance for him.

When your significance is not very high, but there is a physical attraction for him - he can write to you, call you, invite you, pay in a restaurant. But after intimacy, he cools down, disappears, his interest weakens. Either everything was good and serious in the relationship, but then everything rolled down only to intimacy. And then when it is convenient for a man. And when a man is satiated and he loses interest in this, and your significance for him is low, then he simply stops communicating with you.

When the level of significance is higher, he himself writes, calls, moves your communication forward. Everything is fine. But he is not yet ready to give you half of his money, give you a car (if he is not a dollar millionaire), propose to you, protect you from an angry bear, etc.

And if you get stuck at this level, you may have a relationship with him, but he will not invest much in you, he will set his own requirements, his own limits. And, usually, such relationships also fade away. Since this level of significance is not enough for him to want to be only with you, and abandoned the other 3.5 billion women.

But when yours is tall enough for a man, this is where the fun begins. He is very "reactive" in communicating with you. He quickly responds to messages, calls back. He tries very hard to communicate with you. He is afraid and does not want to lose your attention, your interest. He is very active in pushing the relationship forward!

He makes you a part of his life. You are the one for whom he does everything! He invests in you with money, gifts, he is jealous, he himself wants you to live together. He makes you a marriage proposal quickly. And here you just have to choose - what to accept, what not to accept. It already depends on your plans in relations with this particular man. You can do whatever you want, because he will do anything for you, will do anything for you.

Why are some people loved and others not?

Of course, this is a figurative division of levels of significance for a man. But these examples very clearly show what happens every day in the relationships of billions of women. And it becomes clear why some are loved and others are not. Some are valued and respected, while others are only used. It's all about the value and significance of a woman for a man. But many women, unfortunately, do not know how to influence the level of their significance for a man.

Significance itself is a very simple thing. There is one simple formula, substituting into all its parts, you become the most important for the man you need. And this formula is absolutely not related to your appearance, your skills, your efforts, your age, and your money.

What matters is what you say and what you do. And it's very easy when you know HOW. And you can learn this from the secret knowledge base for women, in which I have collected best videos on relationships with men. This knowledge base is absolutely free, you can access it Here .

It is likely that from this database you will learn a lot of useful and necessary things, and not only learn some secrets and tricks, but also completely change your idea of \u200b\u200brelations with men.

Sincerely, Rustam Rezepov

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