Blogs of foster mothers. Adopted children and parents. What's wrong

Foster parenthood in our country is often presented as either beautiful (a crowd of ruddy children under the guidance of a strict but kind mother play musical instruments together) or gloomy and mysterious (here everyone has their own options). And in life it turns out very differently, but always - not as intended.

"Mercy" decided to talk to foster mothers. Today we publish the first such conversation.

Larisa:

- We have nine children - four relatives, four adopted, one adopted.

I had the idea to take foster children a long time ago - it comes from childhood.

When I was ten years old, I was treated in a sanatorium. There were two wards with refuseniks, and we took care of them. I remember that each of the girls “chose” a child for herself, and already at the age of ten, a three-year-old boy called me “mother”.

Happened by itself

First adopted child appeared in our family quite by accident, and in such a way that we had practically no choice. My husband's nephew found himself in a situation where his mother started drinking. Then there were no SPDs, there was no “kinship custody” status, no benefits ... He just lived with us.

For some time there was hope that his mother would come to her senses. And then I started to get attached: the boy had health problems - and when you treat him, you don’t sleep at night ... After a while, the feeling began to appear: “Mine”. In the end, he stayed with us.

True, he came to us when he was little - at the age of three months we took him from the hospital, and he was a home child - without any orphanage problems. Immediately after his appearance, I myself gave birth to two children in a row, but our first experience of parenthood was him.

To be honest, it is precisely on this occasion that one can write about “foster parenthood in rose-colored glasses.” Then I was eighteen, my husband was twenty, and we didn’t bother with some things at all.

Impulse adoption

And then there were two of their blood - a boy and a girl. And when the boys were already in the second and first grades, they met a classmate at school.

His father hanged himself, and his mother got lost. The child lived in an orphanage, he was taken to a school where I was still working as an elementary school teacher.

Well, we met and became friends. And then it turns out: the mother of the child died long ago, and was even buried as unidentified. That is, before our eyes, the child receives the status of an orphan and must go to an orphanage. And we didn’t even have plans to give birth anymore; the only thing is that my husband and I thought that someday later we would take a girl. And here - please - an adult boy, nine years old, and an urgent decision needs to be made!

To be honest, I did not expect to take him into the family then. Just in the evening I started a conversation: "Imagine what a story." And the husband suddenly says: “The kid must be taken away urgently!”

The husband at that moment lost his mother, an elderly woman, she just applied for a pension and suddenly died! And the husband says: “I feel so bad at twenty-five, but what’s in the kid’s soul?” And then I only remember how I called the guardianship and cried into the phone: “Give us this Sasha.” There was already such an attitude: “Just don’t send him to an orphanage!” I don’t know, somehow my husband’s words turned me right away. Moreover, I understood that we had little chance, because we were without documents, and the orphanage car was already running.

Well, here, of course, there were problems with Sasha: trauma, study, “everything is boring”, aggression. And when I gave birth to a baby again, and a year later his teeth started to crawl, he began to bite the guys sometimes - so, like a child. And Sanka bit him seriously in response. Well, we talked, somehow we got over it.

Third reception - "planned"

And after giving birth, I don’t know if it was hormones or what? - the thought appeared: “I want a daughter!” And I sat on the parent forums, read different stories... And there they promoted a girl: pretty, black-eyed.

In general, I asked my husband’s consent, then I fought for the girl for a very long time: they didn’t give her away, they warned her about different diagnoses ... And now she is with us, but the situation is this: it’s hard with her, and it’s hard without her.

Here's the thing: Katya has severe organic brain damage, epilepsy. But besides this, and psychotrauma: from birth to three years, she was in orphanage, at the same time she underwent several serious operations - she lay in hospitals. Katya has a complete violation of attachment: two years have passed since she was with us, and she still has all the women of her “mother”.

I re-read a bunch of literature, I gnawed myself. And this is the worst thing - when you gnaw at yourself all the time, you think: “Why am I doing everything - but there is no result!” As a result, there is no development. More precisely, it is one that is noticeable only to me. I took her at three, now she is five, - I still feed her with a spoon, she does not eat herself. And this is very difficult.

Mom is a fighter and family on the defensive

The family was shaken very seriously - our strong friendly family, which was always and everywhere together.

Three months later, the husband, who always tries to do everything for the family, simply told me: “Either she or I.”

It is generally difficult for a man to accept someone else's child - the brain is arranged differently. And here - a child who, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, in response, you can just get all smeared with poop. Katya can, for example, take off her pants on the playground. And it was especially hard for dad. And it’s hard for the children, because there were endless tantrums with her.

The eldest daughter was waiting for her sister, but it turned out such a “gift”: everything spoils, destroys.

But at the same time, I understood that I could not return it. For the first year, a fighter lived in me who stubbornly believed: “She will change, everything will be fine with us.” The family was in worries, and I took the whole blow. I courted Katya like a baby: we do our homework - I hold her in my arms - already a guarantee that she won’t do anything. Locks were put on the boys' doors so that they could fence themselves off. So the child was given boundaries so that she would not climb into the world of other children, so that they could rest from her.

But I made it clear to Katya: we have it forever, we need to adapt.

And about a year later, my strength ended, and for everyone else, on the contrary, acceptance began.

And they accepted Katya for who she is, with all the quirks. Now they are not ashamed to go out with her. They love her and pity her. And my husband sometimes says to me: “Calm down, do you want me to feed her, wash her?”

And I was so exhausted that I was afraid to give birth again. Now I understand that our next baby was probably given to us specifically for Katya. She begins to go through all the stages of development with him. For example, before that she was not at all interested in toys, except for “breaking” or “breaking”. Now sometimes he touches his tweeters, reaches out to rattle rattles.

Difficult Katya

And yet I myself have not accepted Katya yet. I see it changing though. Doctors put mental retardation and say: it will remain so. But doctors look standard. I see, for example, that she knows how to put her plate in the dishwasher. We must be able to rejoice in such things.

It’s not that I praise myself… But in recent years, there have been a lot of returns to orphanages of children with severe diagnoses, with psychological trauma. Apparently, because people take children on emotions: “Oh, he looks like! A handsome boy!"

I immediately told myself that I would not give Katya away. Well, she didn't choose me. She was sitting there in her orphanage, and then I flew like this from the Moscow region to Yekaterinburg to the mayor: “Give me the child!” I was warned: difficult. It turns out that I brought it - now I'm already responsible. Yes, and relatives will not understand, everyone loves her.

So, if you are taking a child, you need to be prepared for anything. “Everything is cured by love”, “family will cure everything” - I can’t say that now, with Katya this stereotype in me completely collapsed. Despite the fact that I have a nine-month-old youngest baby, I think every minute: “What is she doing there?” “No, I can’t cook such a soup - Katya won’t eat.” That is, if for the rest I am a mother - dosed, then for Katya I am a mother 24/7. And thanks, of course, to my husband - not every man would have endured such a life.

"I even felt sorry for myself"

I realized how tired I was. Previously, for someone’s birthday, she loved to gather children, take them somewhere to bowling, order a beautiful cake ... And suddenly I realized: I don’t have the strength for this, I fall into some kind of depression. True, I myself am a psychologist by education, I can analyze my states. But then I kind of felt sorry for myself.

Here is the eldest son's birthday, thirteen years old, my son. And no, to go buy balloons - I'm sitting, so empty. And I think that I need to cook special porridge for Katya and feed her, then cook soup ...

And I have nine children, and I'm only thirty years old.

When the elders were small, I took everything upon myself, but now, having given birth to the youngest, I understand how important it is to go get a manicure, get a haircut, dye, meet and talk with the same mothers ... Moreover, I still breastfeed, but I have there are two or three hours while the youngest sleeps.

I remember that I reproached myself with Katya: “You can’t cope,” and then I found out that you can’t do this. That is, it's not me - bad, it's just a difficult child.

But you still need to make time for yourself. It remains only to accept Katya, and not have any hopes, then everything will return to normal with me.

Two more and faith that everything will be fine

And recently we took two more. Brother and sister. I followed them for more than six months on one forum: they were promoted, promoted, and for some reason no one took them away. My husband was against it and did not want to listen to me at all. But six months later he said: “I know you will do it anyway,” and signed all the documents.

I flew directly with the little one to the Amur Region, almost to the border with China. Good kids, they did not stay long in the orphanage, although, of course, they managed to pick up everyone there.

But I believe that everything will be fine, I don’t know, maybe even faith in God. When we have children, we always do well. This is also why I believe that in the end, everything will be fine with us even with Katya, maybe later. This is work, and this is not a year or two - maybe ten years should pass.

Katya is, of course, my cross for something. Even relatives, when they come to us, ask about her: “Why are you dragging all this?”

But for some reason such a child appeared in our family. Probably to show that not everything in life is so simple.

After all, today's children often grow up selfish, but in our family there are no such problems. No one ever said, "You owe me." For example, I was very sick now, then the youngest was admitted to the hospital. So the help and mutual assistance was amazing ...

It's been a year and a half since we became Zhenya's parents, and a year since Sasha's appearance in our family. We have changed. Our lives have changed - incredibly, irreversibly and, for the most part, for the better. We do not count the losses, and still look forward with the same optimism, but awareness has come, a lot of new experience, understanding of ourselves, children, meaning.

It's funny, every time I look back, I wonder how I could live before and not know such simple things? Not to be able to do this or that, not to think about what, as it turned out now, is the most important thing.

Sometimes it seems that we were born the way we are now, but this is not so. At all. And it’s very cool to keep a diary in this regard - this way you can track and feel this difference between yourself today and yesterday. Between expectations and reality. And smile.

My expectations. It was more like a dream. I so passionately, strongly wanted to hug my child to myself, that somehow I didn’t think deeply about other things. In fact, it turned out that I imagined a lot differently, I was simply not ready for a lot. Are you ready now? Question. And this is despite the School of Adoptive Parents, endless videos, articles, forums about adoption. Don't predict everything.

I will try to remember and name my expectations at the moment when we stood on the threshold of foster parenthood, preparing to take the first step. And to see how far my expectations turned out to be from the reality of today.

Search for a child. Emotions or mind

I drew a picture for myself: I will see my baby, and I will understand everything right away - my heart will not lie. A million times I imagined him (or her), our first meeting. As it will be madly pounding in the chest, as I immediately understand - this is the same baby, MY!

The reality turned out to be quite different. I already wrote about our meeting with Zhenya, that in my dreams I saw another boy, whom I found in the database of orphans. And there were many tears when that boy was taken before us.

When we were offered to meet Zhenya, at the very first moment, I was frightened. My thoughts were on that other child. The heart did not beat, there were no “signs” that Zhenya was the same one. It was just a baby, Zhenya. And I needed to understand whether I was ready to become a mother for him.

And the understanding came - of course, yes, ready! There is a child, he is waiting for his mother, me. So he is the one, mine. I did not choose it, but the Lord, with Love, gave it to me. And he's the best thing that could have happened to us.

Then it turned out how amazingly similar we are with him, with my son, my Gift from God.

This is probably just my experience. In no case do I deny that it happens otherwise - when everything is together, and the mind and feelings - from the first second. It's probably great. But that doesn't always happen. It is important to understand that Love, connection with the child, trust, emotions - can come later. We did.

I know how to be a good mom

Photo from the personal archive of Tatiana Mishkina

Well, what is this nonsense? In schools, we are taught a bunch of unnecessary subjects, clog our brains with unnecessary information that will never, just NEVER be needed in life. And they do not teach the main thing - life itself. Family relationships, motherhood.

It is likely that this function should be performed by parental family. So be it, but there is also a huge gap. Rather, very often, this is a clear example of how NOT to be. I remember, as a little girl, standing in the corner, I clearly knew the recipe for becoming a GOOD mother - not to put my children in the corners.

Then a number of dogmas were added to this conclusion about the angle. It seemed that I would just act in accordance with them, and everything would be fine. But life turned out to be much more difficult. I could not even think of many difficulties, simply because I had no experience of motherhood. And even the knowledge gained in the school of foster parents was not enough. It was a theory, but I was waiting real life, real meeting with son.

When my self-confidence, like a mother, was shattered into smithereens against Zhenya's impenetrable armor - all this horror is described in great detail in the article “Love me black” - I was preparing for a new battle, for Sasha. And Sasha surrendered without a fight - instead of fighting, a wave of all-consuming tenderness and love hit me.

It turns out that again I was deceived in my expectations. Those qualities of the soul that I so stubbornly cultivated in order to become a good mother for my son were simply not useful with Sasha. With her, everything was and is completely different. And she had very different needs.

I have everything on my shoulder

Haha. How many times have I had to lose faith in this, to feel complete impotence, despair, hopelessness. When you can't help it and yell at your son again. When you have absolutely no strength, and things, like waves, come over and over again, threaten to capture everything, and you just drown in this chaos and fuss. When you are so tired and irritated that you can’t even pray and ask, but you just sit on the floor and cry. Or, when sticky horror seizes the soul, your child is in intensive care and there is no prognosis. Yes, many, many times!

Photo from the personal archive of Tatiana Mishkina

Probably, it is at the moment of the greatest weakness, vulnerability, that you begin to feel that it is not so scary. Comes humility, understanding. As if, agreeing with your fate, you sink to the very bottom of experiences, and there you find support. One has only to push harder with your feet, and the bottom itself will become a springboard for you in new reality where you are no longer so weak.

I'm weak, I can't handle

I remember when Zhenya lived at home for a month, thoughts about the second child did not visit me. My whole being was focused on him alone. And still, the strength was not enough. I couldn't adjust to him or adjust him to me. Conflicts met us at every turn, and I constantly lived on the edge, on edge, like a stretched string. Sometimes the string broke. And everyone felt very bad.

I thought that was all, my resources would not be enough for anyone else. Never. I was sure that Zhenya would be the only child, that I would no longer be able to decide on children. And I was wrong.

Everything has gone with time. Man is an amazing creation of God, he gets used to and adapts to everything. Especially when there is motivation. And especially if this motivation is Love.

Trials give us experience and new knowledge. The most important of them is the knowledge that everything passes. And fatigue, and pain, and fear. Very unpleasant things, experienced many times, each time less and less scratch the soul, less and less poison. You fall and you get up again. The one who walks will master the road, and the one who endures everything to the end will be saved.

Another month passed, and without a shudder I could look at myself in the mirror. Yes, I often broke down and was "out of sorts." And Zhenechek has not changed much yet, and remained a prickly hedgehog, ready to “bite” me in response to any approach to him. But I already saw through the shell of rejection and pain his tender heart, vulnerable and quivering, like a chick's. And my heart sank with tenderness and pity. I stopped being sensitive to his "bites". We already truly loved each other and were mother and son.

I thought about his past, which left so many scars on his soul. About those kids for whom such a life is not the past, but the present, who suffered and accumulated scars. And often had very little chance to escape.

I understood that even though I am not ideal, I am far from ideal, but Zhenya is with me, at home, in the family - and he is healing, he is learning to be happy. And I wanted to reach out to another baby. I felt that I had the strength to do so. And soon Sashenka came to us.

If a child was adopted at an early age, he is practically no different from "home" children.

No, of course I knew about reactive attachment disorder and deprivation. But Zhenya at the time of our acquaintance was a year and four months old. Just, it would seem. When I read about adopted teenagers that they are often prone to lies, cruelty, theft and other destructive things, I reassured myself - they say, our Zhenechek is still a baby, well, what can he do, after all.

I was sure that I could handle everything with a bang. Of course, I was wrong.

Photo from the personal archive of Tatiana Mishkina

If a person has a huge black hole in his soul, if he does not trust the world and people, and all his experience screams that "life" is equal to "pain" and "suffering", it is not easy to be with him, even when he is still a baby . Let unconsciously, the son constantly defended himself, kept the defense and pushed me away. For a long time I was an aggressor for him, he saw a danger in me and fled.

Thank God, the most difficult stage of adaptation is over. It's been almost a year and a half now. Zhenya gradually thaws and opens up, surprising us with her ability to care, love, and compassion. He is the most gentle older brother, always carefully protecting little Sasha.

And yet, echoes of the past still resound in him. Sometimes he looks at me with such a look that it is impossible to believe that he is not even three years old. He still wakes up at night from nightmares, albeit less often. And still, he panics, losing sight of me. Between us, skirmishes and conflicts are still not uncommon - the son is stubbornly trying to throw me off the position of an older, adult, and take this position. We often cry after quarrels, everything is the same - together, in an embrace. And this tool works perfectly, as in the first time.

Zhenya, like Sasha, is different from his peers and friends in the yard. But this no longer upsets us.

After the end of the adaptation period, we will become an ordinary family

I was looking forward to when we would turn the page and the adaptation would be a thing of the past. It seemed that this would immediately remove all questions from others, and everything would be like everyone else. Let's be a normal family. For some reason I wanted this. Now I don't even understand why?

A year later, our appearance with children in any company still raises questions.

We don't look alike. Black-eyed, dark-skinned Zhenya stands out especially. In addition, his relationship with food is still not simple, and he is very thin, small. Usually people are surprised to learn that he is three years old - he looks much younger. Zhenya speaks willingly and a lot, only his speech is understandable to me and my husband and no one else.

Sashulya attracts the eye like a magnet. My blonde star, in addition to the typical "sunny" appearance, also has a small scar on the upper lip after the operation to eliminate the cleft. An active, gutta-percha girl demonstrates miracles of dexterity and artistry. She, like her brother, looks at least half her real age.

It usually doesn't take long before the first question is asked. For example:

And what is their age difference? How is it eight months?

Photo from the personal archive of Tatiana Mishkina

We do not hide the fact of the adoption of our children. Including from themselves. I don’t even really imagine how this would be possible, in our particular case.

My niece is happy to tell how we took Sasha and Zhenya from a special kindergarten. She likes this story so much that she herself promises to take the kids when she grows up.

Zhenya, who roughly understands what it is about, is also absolutely not embarrassed by anything - he was born to his aunt, and then mom and dad found him and said: “This is our boy!”.

Yes, it is now quite clear that we will never become “like everyone else”, an ordinary family. There will always be questions. And you can't rewrite the past, we and our children will have to live with it. But this is not a problem for us at all. We are open to the world, we are always glad to make new acquaintances and friends. Being different does not mean being in confrontation with others. And there are no worries about it.

Sooner or later, the blood family will make itself felt

This is only our situation, my expectations, which, to date, have not been met. Rather, if we talk about expectations, we are talking about Sashenka's family. Zhenya's biomama is unlikely to care about him, as well as about herself. This young woman still has such a rich set of diagnoses that it remains to be surprised by the grace of God that she did not pass all this on to her son.

With Sasha, the situation is completely different. She comes from a family that, by all indications, is prosperous. There is mom and dad elder sister. Moreover, her biological parents are quite successful people, educated, with a good income.

Sashenka is a late child. Probably planned and long-awaited, since my mother, even knowing about Down syndrome, decided to keep the pregnancy. It is not very clear what happened after. According to the staff of the Orphanage, the decision to leave the child was taken by the father. At first, my mother cried and resisted. But then she agreed. What scared her? Syndrome? Cleft lip and palate? Or that dad will leave the family?

Photo from the personal archive of Tatiana Mishkina

I will never understand this woman. And infinitely sorry for her. I know several mothers who realized their mistake and took their children. Sasha's mother will not have such a chance. She could find us, especially since no one is hiding - the whole life of our family in my blog on social networks is like an open book. But there will be no communication, my husband is categorically against it. I don't agree with him, but I won't argue. At least until Sasha can decide for herself.

I confess, honestly, the mere thought of meeting biomoms makes me feel cold inside. And yet, I try to learn more about them, so that later my children, who have already matured, would know something about their origin, roots.

But, fortunately or not, biomoms are silent, do not manifest themselves in any way until today. In this sense, my expectations were also not justified. As long as everything is quiet. But the realization came that even if one of the parents announces himself, this will not be able to radically change the relationship within our family. We are relatives.

So far, we have a lot of expectations that will probably not come true. It's probably not scary. If you do not adjust yourself, children and life itself to your own expectations, but let everything around you just be. Accept, with Love, everything that the coming day prepares for us. After all, the most difficult periods and stages are remembered, sometimes, with special warmth and gratitude.

That's how we live. I try to think about the good, not to let fears sharpen my soul ahead of time. Everything will come - and adolescence, and school, and first love. Children are growing, thank God. We'll manage somehow.

And again, years later, I look back. I remember myself today, my thoughts about the future. And I will smile.

Today is the day I start my blog here. Today is my son's birthday. The second one we spent together. Although, if I had hurried a little, it would have been my third birthday. Nevertheless, February and March are rich in holidays: birthday, little stork day, February 23rd, stork day, March 8th. The day of the little stork is when we first met. Day of the stork - when they left home. I try to remember those days - but they are still fragmentary. There are a lot of fragments - and they add up to a mosaic: an almost complete picture, but still from pieces. Today, the son remembered how he first came home. A nanny was waiting for us at home. “I entered the room - and saw a very beautiful young woman sitting on the sofa ....”

From the conversations of today: “Aunt Sveta, you are more careful, otherwise you will fall like a mother, remember your age!” - because our nanny is quite under sixty;).

From today's conversations with my daughter - we are talking just about our holidays and the day of the stork. I convince Ulya that no one in her group in the kindergarten has such holidays as stork day. “Mom, what are you doing! What if someone is hiding? Suddenly he does not want to talk, because it can be? Yes talking. And it can be too.

Of course, you need to choose the topic of the diary, be consistent. Define the idea and communicate it to readers - but I tend to be more emotional and incoherent. After all, my son was born today. In the end, that's what my life is like: I plowed the whole day at work. She took the children, parents and nanny to a restaurant. I managed to run home, take a birth certificate - if you present it to you, they will give you a 20% discount on your birthday at the restaurant. On the way back home, I discussed the problems of fixing stones in jewelry, once again admiring the logic of a six-year-old daughter: “Mom, I figured out how to fix a stone in that ... what is it called, what are the rings made of? You need a pad and a drop of glue. And a bezel around the stone - but then to clamp it. Otherwise, it will not be inserted. ” We discussed how I will become an angel after death if I behave well and can watch the children. My son touchingly supported me - after all, I am now limping (I brought an ankle sprain from Moscow). In the evening we bought condensed milk and milk and eggs. At night, I baked pancakes with my daughter. Before going to bed, they bit a little with her: if you want to sleep on the floor in the kitchen, please, on weekends or on Friday. But not on Thursday. Moreover, now I will still be working in the kitchen. Put the kids to bed. She agreed on the position of our side in communicating with a potential investor exactly at zero o'clock, and finally, after midnight, she sat down to write ... she was a little distracted by her daughter's nightly conversations aloud - she speaks in her sleep. And very often.

I restrained myself from going to clean the children's room: in my current idea, it is apparently to allow the room to overgrow in things - soldiers, bags, socks - until the moment when the children themselves go to clean. In the end, I have a great reason for not cleaning up: I almost broke my leg, I still limp and jump. By the way, the first time Ulya and I limped into the kindergarten, my daughter was shy and tried to persuade me not to go with her. The next day - she was synchronously and very clearly for others limping next to me.

In general - over the last couple of years of my life with children - I suddenly realized that children at school and in kindergarten are the best preparation for life and work (well, I just haven’t had children before school and before kindergarten: it just so happened that we started with 4.4 and 6 respectively). When on a daily basis, usually at ten in the evening before going to bed, quests are solved how to dress the boy in Russian folk costume in the morning, how to make a report on a solid sign, how to find a tolerable verse about Petersburg by a modern Petersburg children's poet with a five-year plan, so that it does not repeat itself with the poems of thirty other five-year plans - all this is somewhat reminiscent of a soldier's routine: there is a minute to sleep - you you fall asleep as soon as you think about it, and in two minutes you are ready to go into battle again. The brain acquires a very valuable skill - to look at the root and cut off the excess. By the way, it gets much better with sequences: otherwise, the quests simply won’t converge if it’s wrong to build a chain between home, garden, school, work, shop with a cute little panda suit, Chinese homework, an urgent haircut and shellac, the need to be in five places at the same time, answer everyone all letters and requests and no later than seven to sit in a restaurant at a birthday table.

Why am I all this - and to the fact that the life of a foster mother is just the life of a mother. About the same as all other mothers. Sometimes it's more difficult. Sometimes it's easier - but this is just the life of a mother with children. A child is the most fragile - and the most durable - in the universe. When I think about what my children went through, I just can't imagine how they could. “Mom, in the orphanage I prayed every day. And also my mother, there sometimes, but still it was a little bit good. But it would be better if you found us earlier, mom .... "

“Ulya, I’m glad I found you. And I’m glad that sometimes it was still good there ”

I still don't know what a woman experiences after giving birth to a child. But for some reason it seems to me that all our feelings are about the same. When I look at my son, I smile, blur with tenderness and am proud. When I look at my daughter, I want to hug her and not let go. Of course, all this does not negate those cases when, stepping on another Lego cube / bead / pebble in the kitchen, you want to break a plate on the floor. Or make the beautiful son himself step on his Lego, scattered, for some reason in my way. And a beautiful daughter - to walk on the beads herself.

When you decide to take a child into a family, you have to learn how to be as honest and flexible as possible, and at the same time, keep your boundaries. And love. And understand. And don't expect anything, just wait. Wait until your adaptation ends and your memory stops erasing days with an eraser. Wait for the adaptation to end in children. I remember that initially the son was uncontrollable, and the daughter was a perch and a sparrow - but I still think that my adaptation was tougher and harder for all of us.

When you decide to take a child into the family, you need to be open and not afraid. And be ready to ask for help and give help. To be a stone wall that children can hide behind - and sometimes (or often) allow themselves to cry. And sometimes let yourself fail. And spend the day in front of the TV. And even - oh horror! - get fat because of motherhood.

In general - if you expect any revelations from me - they will not be. There will be many stories about children. Lots of stories about us. Some stories about me. I will try to be honest, but sometimes I will be cunning. Sometimes I will embellish, but not too much. Sometimes scary, but not too scary. I don’t know how and when my diary about our family will end, but I know one thing for sure: children are great, cool, marvelous, hard, delightful. And absolutely necessary.

Have a good end of the week everyone

Blogs Mom, Olesya: Hello Lada. Tell us about yourself and your family. Where do you live?

Lada: Hello Olesya! We live in the Moscow region. Our family consists of 5 people: me, three daughters (18, 14 and 10 years old) and a son (7 years old). All are completely different :).

Olesya: Lada, who are you about the profession? What are you doing now?

Lada: I am currently "working" as a foster mother. Why in quotes? Because it’s hard for me to call a job that I really like, brings a lot of pleasure and practically does not change my usual way of life.

I am 40 years old, and during my life I have tried different professions. I have diplomas of a nurse and an engineer, I worked as a realtor, cashier, nurse, organized a home kindergarten, spent environmental actions was the editor-in-chief of the newspaper. I was looking for something that I would like...

Found :). Now I enjoy taking care of children, I can safely walk and parent meetings, and to concerts (to support a son or daughter), children are always supervised.

Remember, Olesya, like Arkady Raikin in the skit? “Who will knock, who will bang, who will whistle, who will blurt out - together they get education. But I’m thinking, maybe instead of a policeman and a janitor, it’s better native mother? After all, he is the only one with her, little blood!” My work today provides such an opportunity.

Olesya: Tell us how you became a foster mother? What has changed in your life with the acquisition of a new status?

Lada: I will immediately answer the second question - practically nothing has changed. I still cook breakfasts-lunches-dinners, check my lessons, walk with the children, wash and clean, ... It's just that all this has become a little more. And now I have more helpers :).

And this is how I became a foster mother - this is interesting story! The thing is, I didn't want to be one...

But I met two sister girls who, after the death of their parents, ended up in an orphanage. The eldest was then 12 years old, and the youngest went to first grade. We corresponded with them and called up. And I thought that this would continue until they came of age. But life took a different course.

After six months of staying in the same orphanage, the girls were separated: younger sister sent to live in another city. And she was already experiencing changes in her life so much, she became isolated and did not make contact. The sister was the only person next to whom the girl was herself.

I kept track of this situation for another six months, until I realized that no one was going to reunite the girls. So I had to take them...

Olesya: What forms of support can foster parents count on today? What do you think is missing, and what stops parents from wanting to adopt a child?

Lada: The state transfers to foster parents:

• Cash payments for child support
• Salary (compensation)

I discussed this situation with my friends. Everyone was surprised by only one thing: the state is ready to support foster parents, and does not pay any attention to domestic children.

Take, for example, a single mother. She sends the child to a kindergarten-school in order to go to work, because. need money. The allowance for a child is scanty (I can’t say the exact amount, within 1000 rubles). At the same time, 1,400 rubles are spent on school only for meals per month.

The same single mother, but with a foster child, gets cash payments from 8 to 13 thousand rubles per month.

But what stops potential parents? I think, first of all, this is a myth about severe heredity, about relatives who can lay claim to a child, about some kind of illness. In my book, I list all these myths and describe the real state of affairs (the book can be downloaded from the blog or from the webinar link below).

Plus, there is a lot of negative information in our media: someone somewhere abandoned a child, they didn’t get along, or, even worse, violence against a child. Such a negative information atmosphere is by no means conducive to making a positive decision.

That's why I'm here :). Because my example is from the category of positive ones.

Olesya: Advise what to do to parents who are not ready to adopt a child, but really want to help children left without parents?

Lada: Good question, Olesya… I asked him Alexander Gezalov- a former orphanage, the author of many books about orphans, a prominent public figure. He said that the only thing that will really change the life of a child is to take him into the family. Everything else is self-consolation.

This is easy to understand if you visit the orphanage and look closely at the children ... They go out day by day. Although the external conditions can be the most wonderful! See, for example, this video Early relationships and child development . The story about Faya, from the 10th minute, is especially indicative. Compare the child at the beginning and after six months of stay in the Orphanage.

You can look around - suddenly someone needs help nearby? After all, children are sometimes taken away from a family in which a difficult life situation. Now the funds are being turned towards the prevention of social orphanhood. It is always easier to prevent a problem than to solve it later. You don’t need to take on this problem yourself, but you can join the fund, which employs professional psychologists and lawyers. In any case, this is also a good deed.

I myself have been in a position where it is very difficult when they do not hire, because Small child. Tried to get out on my own. And then there was no person who would just come up and ask: “Maybe you need help?” This question alone would give strength, honestly!

That's why I'm here. I try everywhere and everywhere to talk about how you can help children.

Olesya: How does the day go in big and friendly family? How do children get along with each other?

Lada: The day is probably the same as in many Russian families. The eldest daughter is a 3rd year student and leaves early in the morning. The younger ones go to classes in circles in the morning. Second shift school. In the evening, more mugs every other day. We all get together for dinner, which is often prepared by the eldest adopted daughter - she has obvious culinary skills. Then checking the lessons and reading a book together before bed (often on English language, because children like to listen, and I love this language from school).

The kids are great and friendly. This greatly facilitates the relationship. There are, of course, incidents when the younger ones quarrel, but after 15 minutes they are playing together again. They are constantly competing with each other. They even wove rings for me from beads and everyone asked whose is better :).

Lada: Today, everyone together participated in the cleaning of the forest closest to the house. The children left the action with great reluctance, but we had to be in time for training: one for ballet, one for basketball. A total of 8 bags of garbage were collected.

Last month, our eldest daughter encouraged us to take part in a launch flashmob. They wrote wishes. One flashlight was safely stuck (it's good that it went out quickly), and the second one flew away. Fascinating action, given the evening time!

We also went to the Resource Saving Center to make birdhouses. At the same time, we learned a lot about migratory birds. And I finally understood why we need birdhouses! It turns out that they are indispensable in a young forest (just like that near our house), because the bird family needs a hollow, but it does not happen on young trees.

At home, we collect waste separately and teach neighbors. They bring us waste paper, which we then hand over for recycling. We also rent plastic, tetrapack, glass and tin.

During the “Blogger Against Garbage” campaign, we also collected glass and plastic in separate bags, each of them had a third bag for mixed waste. This is a whole separate topic, Olesya! 🙂

The idea of ​​the action belongs to Sergey Dolya, a popular blogger. He invited bloggers to organize in different cities Russia to clean up territories from garbage, thereby drawing attention to the problem of pollution of cities and nature.

That action took place in more than 120 cities of Russia. 16,000 people took part in it (these are only those who declared themselves).

Olesya: This year you have a personal blog. So far, there are not many entries in it. What are your plans for the future? What do you want to write about?

Lada: I started it after repeated praise (I guess you can call it that) from psychologists and various specialists from the foster family support service. They almost unanimously repeated that the girls were lucky to have them with me. That I resolve many situations as a professional psychologist. The same was shown by the results of the parent-child training, in which our young 5-month-old family scored the most points in terms of understanding each other. At the same time, all other families were with an experience of 6 years and older.

I want to continue to set a positive example for a foster family. Talk about our situations, ways to solve problems. Although I do not like this word, I like the word task more. She must have a solution. Maybe our blog will help someone decide to adopt a child in their family.

Olesya: Tell us about your performance as part of the Boomerang Kindness marathon. In your opinion, what prevents modern people from being kinder?

Lada: I ran a marathon webinar on the topic "An orphan in the house - joy in it!" (you can download both the book and the recording of the webinar here). I was glad that interested people came to listen to him and asked very specific questions. I really hope that the conversation will continue in the blog.

Olesya, I do not think that modern people are less kind. I see that people do not have enough time to do good deeds. When complicity, empathy is fed with mother's milk, then good deeds are natural, like breathing, and therefore are not noticed. Our rhythm of life also interferes with us. A lot of information comes to a person from the outside. And to think, to comprehend it there is no time.

Last May holidays, my family and I went to the country. And the Internet does not reach there, as well as cellular communication. We were alone for three days.

When we went back home, I had an interesting observation. The radio started working and - how could it be without it - advertising after advertising went on. About new apartments, about some discounts, about getting somewhere in time to grab your piece of happiness…

And for the first moments I still couldn’t grasp it in any way - why am I being offered all this ?! Why should I be in a hurry? There was a very sharp contrast. It was as if I was pulled out of myself and forced to listen and do what I did not need to. In this rhythm there was no place for good deeds. It was necessary to keep up with the well-being ... It was difficult even mentally to return to that sprout of cedar, from which I felt warmth and energy. Even now, from a distance, I can feel them.

By the way, with these cedars, too, an interesting story came out. I advertised in the city newspaper that I could take a seedling of cedar and plant it in the place I wanted. I had 100 of them. So I didn’t have time to get home, when they called me from the editorial office: “Lada, we conferred with the editor-in-chief here ... Can we take these cedars from you, there are a lot of us here, we will give each of us 5 things!” And after all, they took root, cedars!

Olesya: And now, as we have been practicing lately, 3 non-standard questions. Where would you go if you found a time machine?

Lada: To your ancestors. I really want to know how women lived in our family.

Olesya: What question would you like to answer, but you are not asked?

Lada:"And what do you want?" Not a foster mother, not a sister, not a daughter, but I ...

Olesya: What plant do you associate with? Why?

Lada: Birch. I have always liked this slender tree with spreading light branches. I've always been slim too. long hair. Before, not now :). Remember in the movie "Kalina Krasnaya" the hero hugs a birch tree, strokes it, compares it with a nurse? And I also love birch sap. And the birch leaves with buds are healing, I always collect them. She is beautiful, attractive, in general :).

Olesya: Linda, thanks for the interview! And - the traditional moment - your wishes to our blogomas.

Lada: Do what you like and what you are experts at. Then people will come to your blogs :) and you will enjoy blogging. And sometimes it’s very boring to read only reposts on the Internet.

Olesya Pupysheva spoke with Lada Rodionova

Hello, dear readers! Until a certain age, I believed that children from orphanage only those who are physically unable to give birth to their own are taken. This topic has eluded me for a very long time. But now I increasingly began to notice people with big hearts who have both their own and adopted children. Why?

Who are adopted children?

Let's start with the fact that many people (like me) do not have a visual idea of ​​​​how kids live in a "children's home." They do not understand what a serious imprint this leaves on their entire future life. And there are two sides of the same coin. First, children really need a family. Without a family, they have almost no chance of a full life. Most teenagers from orphanages become criminals. Or, at least, completely unadapted to life. The documentary “Bluff, or Happy New Year!” tells in detail about life in orphanages. Therefore, I will not retell anything, it's better to see for yourself!

Secondly, even if people have adopted a very small baby, it will not be easy for them to help him adapt to a new life. They will have to invest a lot of resources in such a child. Make up for the lack of attention and warmth. Many foster children fail to recognize their needs. They eat endlessly and are not satisfied. They don't know when they need to go to the toilet. When falling asleep (and some - and just during the day) swing back and forth.

Tantrums in such children, as a rule, are much more serious and dangerous than those who lived in the family. All crises are much brighter. Foster parents will have to face the most serious internal traumas of their children. And do not expect a huge gratitude in return (which sometimes never comes). Most babies in the orphanage have developmental delays. And of course, a lot of diseases in neurology.

Why not everyone can decide to take a foster child?

1. Many people are afraid of bad genes. As well as all the psychological trauma of abandoned babies.
2. I want to . And I understand it very much. Because I can't raise an infinite number of children. Therefore, if you take someone from the orphanage, you will lose the pleasure of possible pregnancy, feeding, etc.
3. Many women are afraid that they will not be able to love someone else's child. Although, as practice shows, this is the most ridiculous fear.
4. Many people do not want to have many children at all. And one or two of their own is enough for them.

However, despite all this, someone brings such orphans into their family...

Oleg Torsunov's opinion about adopted children.

Family for a foster child

Surprisingly, even in our materialistic world, there are people who are able to think more broadly. They are considered crazy. Nobody understands them. But they are. And these are people with big hearts. You can't say otherwise. For whom there are no children and strangers. For whom how a person was born does not matter much.

Recently, I read this comparison from one foster mother: “If you see in the war that a child was left without parents, you will not hesitate to take him to you. You will not argue whether you can love him, whether you have enough warmth for him. You just take him into the family. Also now... We have a similar situation.” Many adoptive mothers believe that in the "children's home" is no better than in the war. There are good conditions for life. Always fed, provided with everything you need. But without love it doesn't matter. Children need a family. There is a lot of talk about this in the movie I recommended above.

Of course, one cannot say that all adoptive parents- ideal exalted personalities. But most of them live by other laws. on other principles. I wrote about. They are not as developed as most people. Yes, everything happens. It happens, and vice versa, that people take children into the family out of pride, wanting to feel like a savior. But as a rule, they are quickly disappointed in their decision. After all, the sacrifice that an adopted child requires is too great.

Have you thought about adopting a foster child?

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