Adopted children and parents. Foster Mom's Notes Foster Mom's Blog

Foster parenthood in our country is often presented as either beautiful (a crowd of ruddy children under the guidance of a strict but kind mother play musical instruments together) or gloomy and mysterious (here everyone has their own options). And in life it turns out very differently, but always - not as intended.

"Mercy" decided to talk to foster mothers. Today we publish the first such conversation.

Larisa:

- We have nine children - four relatives, four adopted, one adopted.

I had the idea to take foster children a long time ago - it comes from childhood.

When I was ten years old, I was treated in a sanatorium. There were two wards with refuseniks, and we took care of them. I remember that each of the girls “chose” a child for herself, and already at the age of ten, a three-year-old boy called me “mother”.

Happened by itself

The first adopted child in our family appeared quite by accident, and in such a way that we practically had no choice. My husband's nephew found himself in a situation where his mother started drinking. Then there were no SPDs, there was no “kinship custody” status, no benefits ... He just lived with us.

For some time there was hope that his mother would come to her senses. And then I started to get attached: the boy had health problems - and when you treat him, you don’t sleep at night ... After a while, the feeling began to appear: “Mine”. In the end, he stayed with us.

True, he came to us when he was little - at the age of three months we took him from the hospital, and he was a home child - without any orphanage problems. Immediately after his appearance, I myself gave birth to two children in a row, but our first experience of parenthood was him.

To be honest, it is precisely on this occasion that one can write about “foster parenthood in rose-colored glasses.” Then I was eighteen, my husband was twenty, and we didn’t bother with some things at all.

Impulse adoption

And then there were two of their blood - a boy and a girl. And when the boys were already in the second and first grades, they met a classmate at school.

His father hanged himself, and his mother got lost. The child lived in an orphanage, he was taken to a school where I was still working as an elementary school teacher.

Well, we met and became friends. And then it turns out: the mother of the child died long ago, and was even buried as unidentified. That is, before our eyes, the child receives the status of an orphan and must go to an orphanage. And we didn’t even have plans to give birth anymore; the only thing is that my husband and I thought that someday later we would take a girl. And here - please - an adult boy, nine years old, and an urgent decision needs to be made!

To be honest, I did not expect to take him into the family then. Just in the evening I started a conversation: "Imagine what a story." And the husband suddenly says: “The kid must be taken away urgently!”

The husband at that moment lost his mother, an elderly woman, she just applied for a pension and suddenly died! And the husband says: “I feel so bad at twenty-five, but what’s in the kid’s soul?” And then I only remember how I called the guardianship and cried into the phone: “Give us this Sasha.” There was already such an attitude: “Just don’t send him to an orphanage!” I don’t know, somehow my husband’s words turned me right away. Moreover, I understood that we had little chance, because we were without documents, and the orphanage car was already running.

Well, here, of course, there were problems with Sasha: trauma, study, “everything is boring”, aggression. And when I gave birth to a baby again, and a year later his teeth started to crawl, he began to bite the guys sometimes - so, like a child. And Sanka bit him seriously in response. Well, we talked, somehow we got over it.

Third reception - "planned"

And after giving birth, I don’t know if it was hormones or what? - the thought appeared: “I want a daughter!” And I sat on the parent forums, read different stories... And there they promoted a girl: pretty, black-eyed.

In general, I asked my husband’s consent, then I fought for the girl for a very long time: they didn’t give her away, they warned her about different diagnoses ... And now she is with us, but the situation is this: it’s hard with her, and it’s hard without her.

Here's the thing: Katya has severe organic brain damage, epilepsy. But besides this, and psychotrauma: from birth to three years, she was in orphanage, at the same time she underwent several serious operations - she lay in hospitals. Katya has a complete violation of attachment: two years have passed since she was with us, and she still has all the women of her “mother”.

I re-read a bunch of literature, I gnawed myself. And this is the worst thing - when you gnaw at yourself all the time, you think: “Why am I doing everything - but there is no result!” As a result, there is no development. More precisely, it is one that is noticeable only to me. I took her at three, now she is five, - I still feed her with a spoon, she does not eat herself. And this is very difficult.

Mom is a fighter and family on the defensive

The family was shaken very seriously - our strong friendly family who was everywhere and always together.

Three months later, the husband, who always tries to do everything for the family, simply told me: “Either she or I.”

It is generally difficult for a man to accept someone else's child - the brain is arranged differently. And here - a child who, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, in response, you can just get all smeared with poop. Katya can, for example, take off her pants on the playground. And it was especially hard for dad. And it’s hard for the children, because there were endless tantrums with her.

The eldest daughter was waiting for her sister, but it turned out such a “gift”: everything spoils, destroys.

But at the same time, I understood that I could not return it. For the first year, a fighter lived in me who stubbornly believed: “She will change, everything will be fine with us.” The family was in worries, and I took the whole blow. I courted Katya like a baby: we do our homework - I hold her in my arms - already a guarantee that she won’t do anything. Locks were put on the boys' doors so that they could fence themselves off. So the child was given boundaries so that she would not climb into the world of other children, so that they could rest from her.

But I made it clear to Katya: we have it forever, we need to adapt.

And about a year later, my strength ended, and for everyone else, on the contrary, acceptance began.

And they accepted Katya for who she is, with all the quirks. Now they are not ashamed to go out with her. They love her and pity her. And my husband sometimes says to me: “Calm down, do you want me to feed her, wash her?”

And I was so exhausted that I was afraid to give birth again. Now I understand that our next baby was probably given to us specifically for Katya. She begins to go through all the stages of development with him. For example, before that she was not at all interested in toys, except for “breaking” or “breaking”. Now sometimes he touches his tweeters, reaches out to rattle rattles.

Difficult Katya

And yet I myself have not accepted Katya yet. I see it changing though. Doctors put mental retardation and say: it will remain so. But doctors look standard. I see, for example, that she knows how to put her plate in the dishwasher. We must be able to rejoice in such things.

It’s not that I praise myself… But in recent years, there have been a lot of returns to orphanages of children with severe diagnoses, with psychological trauma. Apparently, because people take children on emotions: “Oh, he looks like! A handsome boy!"

I immediately told myself that I would not give Katya away. Well, she didn't choose me. She was sitting there in her orphanage, and then I flew like this from the Moscow region to Yekaterinburg to the mayor: “Give me the child!” I was warned: difficult. It turns out that I brought it - now I'm already responsible. Yes, and relatives will not understand, everyone loves her.

So, if you are taking a child, you need to be prepared for anything. “Everything is cured by love”, “family will cure everything” - I can’t say that now, with Katya this stereotype in me completely collapsed. Despite the fact that I have a nine-month-old youngest baby, I think every minute: “What is she doing there?” “No, I can’t cook such a soup - Katya won’t eat.” That is, if for the rest I am a mother - dosed, then for Katya I am a mother 24/7. And thanks, of course, to my husband - not every man would have endured such a life.

"I even felt sorry for myself"

I realized how tired I was. Previously, for someone’s birthday, she loved to gather children, take them somewhere to bowling, order a beautiful cake ... And suddenly I realized: I don’t have the strength for this, I fall into some kind of depression. True, I myself am a psychologist by education, I can analyze my states. But then I kind of felt sorry for myself.

Here is the eldest son's birthday, thirteen years old, my son. And no, to go buy balloons - I'm sitting, so empty. And I think that I need to cook special porridge for Katya and feed her, then cook soup ...

And I have nine children, and I'm only thirty years old.

When the elders were small, I took everything upon myself, but now, having given birth to the youngest, I understand how important it is to go get a manicure, get a haircut, dye, meet and talk with the same mothers ... Moreover, I still breastfeed, but I have there are two or three hours while the youngest sleeps.

I remember that I reproached myself with Katya: “You can’t cope,” and then I found out that you can’t do this. That is, it's not me - bad, it's just a difficult child.

But you still need to make time for yourself. It remains only to accept Katya, and not have any hopes, then everything will return to normal with me.

Two more and faith that everything will be fine

And recently we took two more. Brother and sister. I followed them for more than six months on one forum: they were promoted, promoted, and for some reason no one took them away. My husband was against it and did not want to listen to me at all. But six months later he said: “I know you will do it anyway,” and signed all the documents.

I flew directly with the little one to the Amur Region, almost to the border with China. Good kids, they did not stay long in the orphanage, although, of course, they managed to pick up everyone there.

But I believe that everything will be fine, I don’t know, maybe even faith in God. When we have children, we always do well. This is also why I believe that in the end, everything will be fine with us even with Katya, maybe later. This is work, and this is not a year or two - maybe ten years should pass.

Katya is, of course, my cross for something. Even relatives, when they come to us, ask about her: “Why are you dragging all this?”

But for some reason such a child appeared in our family. Probably to show that not everything in life is so simple.

After all, today's children often grow up selfish, but in our family there are no such problems. No one ever said, "You owe me." For example, I was very sick now, then the youngest was admitted to the hospital. So the help and mutual assistance was amazing ...

It's been a year and a half since we became Zhenya's parents, and a year since Sasha's appearance in our family. We have changed. Our lives have changed - incredibly, irreversibly and, for the most part, for the better. We do not count the losses, and still look forward with the same optimism, but awareness has come, a lot of new experience, understanding of ourselves, children, meaning.

It's funny, every time I look back, I wonder how I could live before and not know such simple things? Not to be able to do this or that, not to think about what, as it turned out now, is the most important thing.

Sometimes it seems that we were born the way we are now, but this is not so. At all. And it’s very cool to keep a diary in this regard - this way you can track and feel this difference between yourself today and yesterday. Between expectations and reality. And smile.

My expectations. It was more like a dream. I so passionately, strongly wanted to hug my child to myself, that somehow I didn’t think deeply about other things. In fact, it turned out that I imagined a lot differently, I was simply not ready for a lot. Are you ready now? Question. And this is despite the School of Adoptive Parents, endless videos, articles, forums about adoption. Don't predict everything.

I will try to remember and name my expectations at the moment when we stood on the threshold of foster parenthood, preparing to take the first step. And to see how far my expectations turned out to be from the reality of today.

Search for a child. Emotions or mind

I drew a picture for myself: I will see my baby, and I will understand everything right away - my heart will not lie. A million times I imagined him (or her), our first meeting. As it will be madly pounding in the chest, as I immediately understand - this is the same baby, MY!

The reality turned out to be quite different. I already wrote about our meeting with Zhenya, that in my dreams I saw another boy, whom I found in the database of orphans. And there were many tears when that boy was taken before us.

When we were offered to meet Zhenya, at the very first moment, I was frightened. My thoughts were on that other child. The heart did not beat, there were no “signs” that Zhenya was the same one. It was just a baby, Zhenya. And I needed to understand whether I was ready to become a mother for him.

And the understanding came - of course, yes, ready! There is a child, he is waiting for his mother, me. So he is the one, mine. I did not choose it, but the Lord, with Love, gave it to me. And he's the best thing that could have happened to us.

Then it turned out how amazingly similar we are with him, with my son, my Gift from God.

This is probably just my experience. In no case do I deny that it happens otherwise - when everything is together, and the mind and feelings - from the first second. It's probably great. But that doesn't always happen. It is important to understand that Love, connection with the child, trust, emotions - can come later. We did.

I know how to be a good mom

Photo from the personal archive of Tatyana Mishkina

Well, what is this nonsense? In schools, we are taught a bunch of unnecessary subjects, clog our brains with unnecessary information that will never, just NEVER be needed in life. And they do not teach the main thing - life itself. Family relationships, motherhood.

It is likely that this function should be performed by parental family. So be it, but there is also a huge gap. Rather, very often, this is a clear example of how NOT to be. I remember, as a little girl, standing in the corner, I clearly knew the recipe for becoming a GOOD mother - not to put my children in the corners.

Then a number of dogmas were added to this conclusion about the angle. It seemed that I would just act in accordance with them, and everything would be fine. But life turned out to be much more difficult. I could not even think of many difficulties, simply because I had no experience of motherhood. And even the knowledge gained in the school of foster parents was not enough. It was a theory, but I was waiting real life, real meeting with son.

When my self-confidence, like a mother, was shattered into smithereens against Zhenya's impenetrable armor - all this horror is described in great detail in the article “Love me black” - I was preparing for a new battle, for Sasha. And Sasha surrendered without a fight - instead of fighting, a wave of all-consuming tenderness and love hit me.

It turns out that again I was deceived in my expectations. Those qualities of the soul that I so stubbornly cultivated in order to become a good mother for my son were simply not useful with Sasha. With her, everything was and is completely different. And she had very different needs.

I have everything on my shoulder

Haha. How many times have I had to lose faith in this, to feel complete impotence, despair, hopelessness. When you can't help it and yell at your son again. When you have absolutely no strength, and things, like waves, come over and over again, threaten to capture everything, and you just drown in this chaos and fuss. When you are so tired and irritated that you can’t even pray and ask, but you just sit on the floor and cry. Or, when sticky horror seizes the soul, your child is in intensive care and there is no prognosis. Yes, many, many times!

Photo from the personal archive of Tatyana Mishkina

Probably, it is at the moment of the greatest weakness, vulnerability, that you begin to feel that it is not so scary. Comes humility, understanding. As if, agreeing with your fate, you sink to the very bottom of experiences, and there you find support. One has only to push harder with your feet, and the bottom itself will become a springboard for you in new reality where you are no longer so weak.

I'm weak, I can't handle

I remember when Zhenya lived at home for a month, thoughts about the second child did not visit me. My whole being was focused on him alone. And still, the strength was not enough. I couldn't adjust to him or adjust him to me. Conflicts met us at every turn, and I constantly lived on the edge, on edge, like a stretched string. Sometimes the string broke. And everyone felt very bad.

I thought that was all, my resources would not be enough for anyone else. Never. I was sure that Zhenya would be the only child, that I would no longer be able to decide on children. And I was wrong.

Everything has gone with time. Man is an amazing creation of God, he gets used to and adapts to everything. Especially when there is motivation. And especially if this motivation is Love.

Trials give us experience and new knowledge. The most important of them is the knowledge that everything passes. And fatigue, and pain, and fear. Very unpleasant things, experienced many times, each time less and less scratch the soul, less and less poison. You fall and you get up again. The one who walks will master the road, and the one who endures everything to the end will be saved.

Another month passed, and without a shudder I could look at myself in the mirror. Yes, I often broke down and was "out of sorts." And Zhenechek has not changed much yet, and remained a prickly hedgehog, ready to “bite” me in response to any approach to him. But I already saw through the shell of rejection and pain his tender heart, vulnerable and quivering, like a chick's. And my heart sank with tenderness and pity. I stopped being sensitive to his "bites". We already truly loved each other and were mother and son.

I thought about his past, which left so many scars on his soul. About those kids for whom such a life is not the past, but the present, who suffered and accumulated scars. And often had very little chance to escape.

I understood that even though I am not ideal, I am far from ideal, but Zhenya is with me, at home, in the family - and he is healing, he is learning to be happy. And I wanted to reach out to another baby. I felt that I had the strength to do so. And soon Sashenka came to us.

If a child was adopted at an early age, he is practically no different from "home" children.

No, of course I knew about reactive attachment disorder and deprivation. But Zhenya at the time of our acquaintance was a year and four months old. Just, it would seem. When I read about adopted teenagers that they are often prone to lies, cruelty, theft and other destructive things, I reassured myself - they say, our Zhenechek is still a baby, well, what can he do, after all.

I was sure that I could handle everything with a bang. Of course, I was wrong.

Photo from the personal archive of Tatyana Mishkina

If a person has a huge black hole in his soul, if he does not trust the world and people, and all his experience screams that "life" is equal to "pain" and "suffering", it is not easy to be with him, even when he is still a baby . Let unconsciously, the son constantly defended himself, kept the defense and pushed me away. For a long time I was an aggressor for him, he saw a danger in me and fled.

Thank God, the most difficult stage of adaptation is over. It's been almost a year and a half now. Zhenya gradually thaws and opens up, surprising us with her ability to care, love, and compassion. He is the most gentle older brother, always carefully protecting little Sasha.

And yet, echoes of the past still resound in him. Sometimes he looks at me with such a look that it is impossible to believe that he is not even three years old. He still wakes up at night from nightmares, albeit less often. And still, he panics, losing sight of me. Between us, skirmishes and conflicts are still not uncommon - the son is stubbornly trying to throw me off the position of an older, adult, and take this position. We often cry after quarrels, everything is the same - together, in an embrace. And this tool works perfectly, as in the first time.

Zhenya, like Sasha, is different from his peers and friends in the yard. But this no longer upsets us.

After the end of the adaptation period, we will become an ordinary family

I was looking forward to when we would turn the page and the adaptation would be a thing of the past. It seemed that this would immediately remove all questions from others, and everything would be like everyone else. Let's be a normal family. For some reason I wanted this. Now I don't even understand why?

A year later, our appearance with children in any company still raises questions.

We don't look alike. Black-eyed, dark-skinned Zhenya stands out especially. In addition, his relationship with food is still not simple, and he is very thin, small. Usually people are surprised to learn that he is three years old - he looks much younger. Zhenya speaks willingly and a lot, only his speech is understandable to me and my husband and no one else.

Sashulya attracts the eye like a magnet. My blonde star, in addition to the typical "sunny" appearance, also has a small scar on the upper lip after the operation to eliminate the cleft. An active, gutta-percha girl demonstrates miracles of dexterity and artistry. She, like her brother, looks at least half her real age.

It usually doesn't take long before the first question is asked. For example:

And what is their age difference? How is it eight months?

Photo from the personal archive of Tatyana Mishkina

We do not hide the fact of the adoption of our children. Including from themselves. I don’t even really imagine how this would be possible, in our particular case.

My niece is happy to tell how we took Sasha and Zhenya from a special kindergarten. She likes this story so much that she herself promises to take the kids when she grows up.

Zhenya, who roughly understands what it is about, is also absolutely not embarrassed by anything - he was born to his aunt, and then mom and dad found him and said: “This is our boy!”.

Yes, it is now quite clear that we will never become “like everyone else”, an ordinary family. There will always be questions. And you can't rewrite the past, we and our children will have to live with it. But this is not a problem for us at all. We are open to the world, we are always glad to make new acquaintances and friends. Being different does not mean being in confrontation with others. And there are no worries about it.

Sooner or later, the blood family will make itself felt

This is only our situation, my expectations, which, to date, have not been met. Rather, if we talk about expectations, we are talking about Sashenka's family. Zhenya's biomama is unlikely to care about him, as well as about herself. This young woman still has such a rich set of diagnoses that it remains to be surprised by the grace of God that she did not pass all this on to her son.

With Sasha, the situation is completely different. She comes from a family that, by all indications, is prosperous. There is mom and dad elder sister. Moreover, her biological parents are quite successful people, educated, with a good income.

Sashenka is a late child. Probably planned and long-awaited, since my mother, even knowing about Down syndrome, decided to keep the pregnancy. It is not very clear what happened after. According to the staff of the Orphanage, the decision to leave the child was taken by the father. At first, my mother cried and resisted. But then she agreed. What scared her? Syndrome? Cleft lip and palate? Or that dad will leave the family?

Photo from the personal archive of Tatyana Mishkina

I will never understand this woman. And infinitely sorry for her. I know several mothers who realized their mistake and took their children. Sasha's mother will not have such a chance. She could find us, especially since no one is hiding - the whole life of our family in my blog on social networks is like an open book. But there will be no communication, my husband is categorically against it. I don't agree with him, but I won't argue. At least until Sasha can decide for herself.

I confess, honestly, the mere thought of meeting biomoms makes me feel cold inside. And yet, I try to learn more about them, so that later my children, who have already matured, would know something about their origin, roots.

But, fortunately or not, biomoms are silent, do not manifest themselves in any way until today. In this sense, my expectations were also not justified. As long as everything is quiet. But the realization came that even if one of the parents announces himself, this will not be able to radically change the relationship within our family. We are relatives.

So far, we have a lot of expectations that will probably not come true. It's probably not scary. If you do not adjust yourself, children and life itself to your own expectations, but let everything around you just be. Accept, with Love, everything that the coming day prepares for us. After all, the most difficult periods and stages are remembered, sometimes, with special warmth and gratitude.

That's how we live. I try to think about the good, not to let fears sharpen my soul ahead of time. Everything will come - and adolescence, and school, and first love. Children are growing, thank God. We'll manage somehow.

And again, years later, I look back. I remember myself today, my thoughts about the future. And I will smile.

I raised a foster girl, we quarreled, put up, gradually got used to each other, but meanwhile the thought of a little boy did not let go of me. Initially, I planned to take a boy of three or four years old, to pair with my two-year-old daughter. The adopted girl did not at all take his place in my heart - her own little room was cut through in my heart. And the little boy's room remained unoccupied. And at some point - the older children went to school, life settled down a bit - I decided: well, that's it, it's time. The documents were ready for a long time: from the very beginning, guardianship gave me a conclusion about the possibility of taking two children into the family.

I habitually looked through the bases, hundreds of videos and questionnaires. There were a great many cute boys: the country is large, in every city there is an orphanage, it’s good if not a dozen more. It was decidedly impossible to choose a child. I called to find out about some - well, I found out. Kemerovo, Irkutsk, Chelyabinsk, Krasnoyarsk - wonderful children everywhere, where to fly? I hung.

At the same time, in the adoptive community familiar to me, a favorable review appeared about a boy from an orphanage in our city, and I thought: oh, there’s no need to fly anywhere, I’ll take him. But somehow this boy did not work out. It seems like at first he was in a sanatorium, and therefore it was impossible to get to know him. Then they refused to give me a referral to him: the district guardianship sent for referral to the city data bank, where I had to sign up for a month. I consulted with lawyers, they all unanimously said that it was illegal. But while I was fussing, time passed, and the next time the guardianship reported that other potential guardians were already visiting the boy. And then it seems like they signed an agreement on it. It is characteristic that six months later that boy remained in the base - I don’t know what the matter was there.

Then I realized: if you do not insist too much, it will not work out with any child. It turns out that all the children have disappeared somewhere: one is being treated without the right to visit, the second is taken by relatives right tomorrow, and the third does not want to go anywhere, because he loves his orphanage too much. But then I decided that I was doing something wrong. We need to stop fussing, and our boy will find us himself.

Just a couple of days later, a friend told me about a four-year-old child who was looking for parents. He was not in any bases, he was in a shelter, and guardianship (the world is not without good people!) wanted to place him in a family, bypassing the orphanage. I immediately called this guardianship and agreed to drive up. The head of care described the boy asgood, but neglected; according to her, a variety of specialists worked with him at the shelter.I had not even seen a photograph of the child and did not know anything about him. The city was different, but not too far away - I was going to go there in the morning and return home in the evening, look at the boy and immediately decide whether I would take him. But overall, I was determined to take it. I like it, I don't like it, mine, not mine... there are probably cases of total incompatibility, but I realized to myself that I become attached to those who are nearby, simply because they are nearby. And as soon as you take the child, it is already yours, and there are no questions.

The guardian gave me the phone number of the shelter psychologist so that we could discuss the best time to visit the child. The lady psychologist turned out to be muddy. She somehow hysterically, with dramatic pauses, told me that the child is practically Mowgli, he lived with a dog, ate roots, knows little, almost does not speak, is emotionally deaf, mentally dull and his terrible backwardness will hardly ever succeed. compensate. I listened to her with some bewilderment, as if she was composing some kind of movie script on the go. In one of the protracted pauses, I inserted that I also love dogs and that I myself developed with a clear lag, even now I have not quite caught up with the norm. The lady psychologist did not like my mood. She expressed her doubts that I understood how serious problems child, and asked why I need it at all. If I'm looking for an ordinary healthy boy, then this is not the case at all. In fact, the lady psychologist immediately began to dissuade me from taking it. Although I only called to make an appointment. The lady psychologist scared me, I insisted, saying that I was not afraid of difficulties.

“Well, okay,” the psychologist lady said displeasedly. - But then come to the shelter in the morning, right from the train. And then you go into custody. I have other plans, around eleven I will have to leave.

“But without tutelage, I will have no direction,” I said.

“It’s okay, I’ll take you without a referral. But this, of course, is between us, don't talk about custody.

It turned out that I entered into a secret agreement with a lady who absolutely did not inspire confidence in me. But from my past experience, I learned that nice people and open layouts are not found in such places at all, and I have already reconciled.

I asked the lady if it was possible to bring all the children in the group a toy.

“Take what you want,” she said wearily. - We have four children now, but tomorrow, it seems, another one will be delivered ... Count on five.

My daughters and I went to a children's store, we looked at toys for a long time. And in the end we bought a bunch of bright helium balloons. Because kids love balloons.

It was very thoughtless. Well, then I suffered with these balls on the train! Balls climbed everywhere, interfered with everyone, flew up to the ceiling. It turned out that they take up a catastrophic amount of space. I have never apologized so much.

And I dragged them in vain: the lady psychologist put the whole bunch into some pantry, and the orphanage children never saw them.

At the meeting, the psychologist made an even less pleasant impression on me than on the phone. She turned out to be an elderly lady dressed all in black and looking hopelessly depressed. Her features were frozen in an expression of despondency and sorrow. I wanted to ask what happened to her and express some condolences. But she was also angry.

In general, the lady psychologist seemed pretty crazy to me. I have no doubt that I - joyful, excited, disheveled, with these stupid multi-colored balls - and even more so seemed to her rather crazy.

In the shelter, located in an old house in the very center of the city, there was a heavy smell - maybe I was so unlucky and everything is usually wonderful there, and on that day the sewer broke. But I felt like I was in some kind of horror movie. Gloomy morning, shelter, stink, angry lady in black.

She spoke like this:

- Well, who lives with us? They are the dregs of society, you understand. Children of alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes. Urban poverty. What kind of genes can be here, makings? What to expect from these children? And your boy - well, I'm even scared to predict his future. Psychoneurological boarding school? It doesn't turn on at all. Not a child, but a vegetable - not in the physical sense, but in the mental one. We taught him some words here, some phrases, but does he understand what he is saying, but he doesn’t seem to understand anything, he repeats like a parrot. What four years are there - he is not yet three or two ... Even infant distinguishes intonations, feels the mood, but this one ... Well, I don’t advise you, you understand. As a person, I don't recommend it. Look how blooming you are, and you have your own children, prosperous normal children - well, raise them, mommy! This child will destroy your family. You just don't know what you're facing.

“I already have a foster child,” I put in.

- So much so. Why else would you? They already took one, they suffered, and that's enough, that's enough ...

- Can I see him? I asked.

“Look... But we must also think about the child. You look - and he is injured. He will imagine that you have come for him, but how are we going to calm him down, how can we console him? Are you thinking about a child? Or do you only think about your pleasures? I want to have fun, to hold such a little animal in my arms, right? You wonder, and the child will be traumatized.

“Well, wait,” I said, “I just came to look at the child. I don't want to hurt anyone, but that's what I came for.

- Where is your direction?

“But you said that it’s more convenient for you to receive me in the morning, and I can bring the direction later?”

- Yes, we will show you the child, do not worry. It's not about that at all. It's about where the child is better. Especially such a neglected and complex one. Here we have eleven specialists in the orphanage for five children. What do you have at home? Are you alone and have five children? Do you cook soup, and sweep the floor, and entertain children? Judge for yourself, where is the best place for a child? How exactly are you going to deal with it? By what system? Are you a defectologist, do you have a psychological education?

(Surprisingly, I have a degree in psychology, and this is one of the most worthless acquisitions in my life.)

“I think that a child is better off in a family anyway,” I said as firmly as possible. "Can we still see him?"

"So that I can bring him to you and put him on your knees?" No, thank you,” the lady said no less firmly. - Sign the consent for the child, take it - and then consider it. We don't need more tears.

- Well, wait, - I said, - if I sign the consent for the child without looking, you yourself will say that we have not established contact and there is no way to give it to me.

“Certainly,” said the psychologist lady.

Our conversation came to a standstill.

By then, I had already cursed myself several times for jumping at the offer to come in early instead of acting legally through guardianship.

“But we can attend the children's music class,” the lady suddenly said. - Look at them together. All sorts of commissions often come to us, so the children will not pay attention to us.

And we went to attend the children's music class.

They went up to the hall and sat down on a bench. Four boys and one girl jumped to the music under the supervision of as many as four teachers (one played the piano, the other showed how to jump, and two more jumped for the company, cheering the kids). Everyone jumped at random, the music sounded by itself. The psychologist showed me through the eyes of our boy, he jumped especially stupidly, flying into others. The boy is like a boy - button eyes, dark-haired, snub-nosed, funny. He nevertheless drew attention to me - and everyone else paid attention, smiled. The children looked normal, and the hall looked normal - if not for the terrible smell, everything is like in any kindergarten. We sat for five minutes and left.

- Decide! said the lady psychologist. - I told you my opinion. This child belongs in a specialized institution. But if you don't have enough problems - take it.

“Well, wait,” I said, “I would still like to get to know the child better.

- Sign the consent - and get acquainted, - the lady said adamantly. - And guardianship about our meeting - not a word. You promised.

In the meantime, my switched off phone was ringing and calling the guardian who had lost me. To whom I should not have said a word, while being completely unsettled.

I said goodbye to the gloomy lady, went to custody, received a referral to visit the child. Everything was somehow complicated: one guardianship, at the location of the shelter, issued a referral, another, at the place of registration of the child, approved the referral, some other department put a stamp, and then the referral had to be taken to the wrong building of the shelter where I was, but to his central office somewhere else. I would never have had time to go anywhere and would not have found anything myself, but I guessed to take a taxi, and it obediently drove me to the given addresses.

The central office of the orphanage, fortunately, turned out to be a much less gloomy place. And it doesn't even stink at all. I was allowed to get acquainted with the personal file of the child, and the local social worker told me everything she knew. The social worker was sympathetic - both to the child and to me.

The boy's story was rather strange. My adopted daughter had no one left - she had only her mother, and she died. This boy had a mother, father, grandmothers, aunts and uncles. And for some reason everyone refused it. These numerous relatives were quite healthy, young, they had apartments in the city center, they were not in prison, they worked somewhere and did not even drink.

“Mom came to us, wrote a statement,” said the social worker. “And she is, you know… A beautiful young woman. Well, just a beautiful young woman, well dressed, with no signs of alcohol or substance abuse. With competent speech, not rude, well-mannered. If you met her on the street, you would like her. And she got us so confused. Usually we have a different contingent. And then for a long time we could not understand what was wrong. She came to us, complained about difficult life circumstances, asked to attach a child. For half a year. We had no doubt that she would take it. And here's how it happened.

Mom and dad of the boy broke up, even when mom was pregnant. She wanted to leave the child in the hospital. But the father took the child. More precisely, his mother, the boy's grandmother. Somehow his grandmother raised him, wellor mostly in the country (apparently, they ate roots there), closer to winter they returned to the city.And when the child was almost three years old, the neighbors called the guardianship: they say that the child is somehow neglected, dirty, walks half-naked, holding on to the tail of a dog, looks with hungry eyes. Guardianship went to look at the baby. The baby crawled rather than walked, slept with the dog, ate with the dog. The child did not have any speech. But at the same time, the boy was quite well-groomed and affectionate, he immediately climbed onto the arms of the girl from guardianship, jumped merrily, smiled. And the apartment was clean and quiet. There are few toys, few clothes, but there is still something. The grandmother said that it was difficult for her with the child, the parents had completely withdrawn from the upbringing, and that something was wrong with the boy, she herself saw. But how is it.

The grandmother seemed quite adequate to the girl from guardianship. The girl decided that she and her grandmother agreed that she would take the child at least to a therapist (they had never been to the clinic), who would assess his condition, and guardianship, for its part, would help with the boy's placement in a specialized kindergarten.

After some time, the boy fell ill - nothing special, a virus, otitis media. But the grandmother called an ambulance, sent her grandson to the hospital. She didn’t go to the hospital herself, she didn’t visit her grandson. She refused to take her home after discharge - with the wording "the child is difficult, they should be dealt with by specialists." Guardianship sent the child to a sanatorium and began looking for his mother.

Mom found - and everyone liked it. Beautiful, young, well-dressed, without signs of abuse, not rude, with competent speech. Mom said that right now she is not ready to take the child, she needs to prepare and prepare the friend with whom she lives, but then - of course, without fail, she is a mother! (At that moment, guardianship did not yet know that the mother had left her two previous boys in the maternity hospital; their further fate is unknown.)

So the child migrated from the sanatorium to the orphanage. And there they - how else? experts took over. From time to time, a three-year-old boy was sent to the hospital, then to rest, then somewhere else, exclusively for good purposes. And every time unaccompanied. Everywhere others good specialists they can handle any difficult situation. For several months, the child lived like a parcel, which is passed from hand to hand. As I understand it, from general confusion and fright, he quickly turned off. And it didn't really turn on anymore. In this off state, I found it.

Six months later, the mother honestly took the child. Before that, she visited him several times. According to the stories of the educators, it happened like this: he comes, gives the child a chocolate bar. Watch as he eats this chocolate bar. Smiling. Hugs a child. Leaves. At the same time, my mother did not call herself mother, only by her first name. So, by name, the child remembered her. Sveta.

Having taken the child, Sveta obviously tried to deal with it. Because our boy has the brightest memories of life with her. We rode horses and played cars. Nothing bad, that's all. But this did not last long - soon Sveta used the technique already tested by her grandmother. The child falls ill, an ambulance is called, ambiguous symptoms are described, the child is sent to the infectious diseases department of the hospital. Parents are not allowed there in the old fashioned way. For some, this is a drama, but for some, it is a welcome exit. While the child was in the hospital, Sveta moved and changed her phone number. And guardianship could not find her. Went back to grandma's. And to another grandmother. We tried to talk to the father of the child - he didn’t even open the door, he sent a foul language. Uncles with aunts refused to talk - without a mat, but in a categorical form. From the hospital, the child ended up in the same sanatorium. And from the sanatorium all to the same shelter. Who again began to send the boy for treatment, then for rest. Who wouldn't become a vegetable under such circumstances?

The lady psychologist said:

“He doesn’t even single out people, he doesn’t recognize them. And this is four years old! He is not attached to anyone, he is not happy with anyone.

And to whom was he supposed to become attached, if people changed all the time?

Guardianship despaired of calling the boy's relatives to account and sued for deprivation parental rights. The disqualification process took several more months. My father did not appear in court, but my mother, to everyone's surprise, did. But she didn’t argue with anything, she just cried. She was pregnant again. Beautiful young woman.

“I'm sorry this happened,” she said.

And it was clear that she was really sorry. And all those present: the judge, the shelter staff, guardianship employees - were also very sorry. But this is how it happened. In general, the child spent more than a year and a half in hospitals, sanatoriums, orphanages, only because guardianship until the last hoped to return the boy to his family.

After that, guardianship immediately began to look for new parents for him. Only family children can live in the orphanage, and those who do not have parents should be placed in an orphanage. It's great if there is an opportunity at this stage to transfer the child to the family. But it is not always possible to quickly find such a family.

- Didn't you have your own candidates? I asked the head of the guardianship at the meeting. - He's such a good boy. Cute, calm. Small. And perfectly healthy, except for developmental delays.

"We haven't seen a single candidate," she replied. “No one here wants boys or girls, neither little ones nor big ones ... That's what you want - we are happy.”

And they say there are queues for the children.

As soon as I began to act officially, armed with a referral, support from the guardianship and the social worker of the shelter, the blackness receded. The administration of the orphanage warned the preschool branch about my visit. I went there again. The children walked, the teachers were already familiar to me, no one prevented me from sitting on the bench and calmly looking at the kids. Our boy himself came up to me, held out some kind of twig. We even chatted a little - if you can call it a conversation, because the boy only gave his name to all my questions. And he was smiling all the time. The teachers also talked to me - they were kind, simple-hearted, they wanted the best for all their pupils and hoped that everything would work out in our boy's family.

He has been waiting for his mother for so long! one said. - After all, they come to others, they take others, but he is not there. And he keeps looking, looking at the gate. And so sorry for him.

- The boy is good, not harmful and very smart. It is with us that he develops poorly and languishes, it is difficult for him without a mother. And it will bloom with you, ”said another. - Do not even hesitate.

It was such a striking contrast with the opinion of the lady psychologist.

I returned to custody, wrote consent and went home. In just one daya whole life was loaded into me, also commented on in various ways.

A week later, all the documents were ready, and I became the official guardian of our boy.

Of course, the lady psychologist on behalf of the shelter stated that I did not establish contact with the child and should visit him at least five times before picking him up. Otherwise, the injury will be too monstrous. And in general, guardianship behaves extremely irresponsibly, distributing children to anyone: personally, she, a specialist with great experience, has serious doubts about my personality.

Guardianship in response noted that it was time to transfer the child to an orphanage, and this injury might be even more monstrous. And obstruction in the placement of a child in a family by the orphanage cannot be called anything other than malicious intrigues. Do you have other candidates? And most importantly, what do we achieve, guys? You're going to lose this child, whatever.

After that, the lady psychologist went somewhere.

The shelter gathered a small round table to discuss all the issues related to our boy - a health worker, a social worker, another, slightly less gloomy psychologist, a defectologist, a teacher and other ladies involved in the case sat down. The main advice they gave me:

- As soon as you return home, immediately show the child to specialists!

And then for the last couple of years it has not been shown to anyone.

From the word "specialist" I shudder ever since.

When I came to the shelter for our boy, it turned out that he remembers me very well.

The children were walking again, he saw me from afar, ran towards me and asked from a raid:

- What about you, my mother?

"Well, if you want," I said, "I'll be your mother."

The rest of the children, hearing about my mother, surrounded me and began to yell:

- Mother! Mother!

Although they seemed to come. They even took them home. But apparently not that often.

This mom is mine! our boy said angrily. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the gate. How I would visit him at least five times - and I can’t imagine.

A lady psychologist from the round table came out to see us off. I told her:

- Your colleague said that the child does not recognize anyone and does not single out. But he recognized me and is ready to leave with me.

"Sure," the lady replied coldly. - The fact that a child is ready to go anywhere with anyone is also a sign of mental retardation.

On that they parted.

To be continued

Hello, dear readers! Until a certain age, I believed that children from orphanage only those who are physically unable to give birth to their own are taken. This topic has eluded me for a very long time. But now I increasingly began to notice people with big hearts who have both their own and adopted children. Why?

Who are adopted children?

Let's start with the fact that many people (like me) do not have a visual idea of ​​​​how kids live in a "children's home." They do not understand what a serious imprint this leaves on their entire future life. And there are two sides of the same coin. First, children really need a family. Without a family, they have almost no chance of a full life. Most teenagers from orphanages become criminals. Or, at least, completely unadapted to life. The documentary “Bluff, or Happy New Year!” tells in detail about life in orphanages. Therefore, I will not retell anything, it's better to see for yourself!

Secondly, even if people have adopted a very small baby, it will not be easy for them to help him adapt to a new life. They will have to invest a lot of resources in such a child. Make up for the lack of attention and warmth. Many foster children fail to recognize their needs. They eat endlessly and are not satisfied. They don't know when they need to go to the toilet. When falling asleep (and some - and just during the day) swing back and forth.

Tantrums in such children, as a rule, are much more serious and dangerous than those who lived in the family. All crises are much brighter. Foster parents will have to face the most serious internal traumas of their children. And do not expect a huge gratitude in return (which sometimes never comes). Most babies in the orphanage have developmental delays. And of course, a lot of diseases in neurology.

Why not everyone can decide to take a foster child?

1. Many people are afraid of bad genes. As well as all the psychological trauma of abandoned babies.
2. I want to . And I understand it very much. Because I can't raise an infinite number of children. Therefore, if you take someone from the orphanage, you will lose the pleasure of possible pregnancy, feeding, etc.
3. Many women are afraid that they will not be able to love someone else's child. Although, as practice shows, this is the most ridiculous fear.
4. Many people do not want to have many children at all. And one or two of their own is enough for them.

However, despite all this, someone brings such orphans into their family...

Oleg Torsunov's opinion about adopted children.

Family for a foster child

Surprisingly, even in our materialistic world, there are people who are able to think more broadly. They are considered crazy. Nobody understands them. But they are. And these are people with big hearts. You can't say otherwise. For whom there are no children and strangers. For whom how a person was born does not matter much.

I recently read from one foster mother such a comparison: “If in the war you see that some child was left without parents, you will not hesitate to take him to you. You will not argue whether you can love him, whether you have enough warmth for him. You just take him into the family. Also now... We have a similar situation.” Many adoptive mothers believe that in the "children's home" is no better than in the war. There are good conditions for life. Always fed, provided with everything you need. But without love it doesn't matter. Children need a family. There is a lot of talk about this in the movie I recommended above.

Of course, one cannot say that all adoptive parents are ideal exalted personalities. But most of them live by other laws. on other principles. I wrote about. They are not as developed as most people. Yes, everything happens. It happens, and vice versa, that people take children into the family out of pride, wanting to feel like a savior. But as a rule, they are quickly disappointed in their decision. After all, the sacrifice that an adopted child requires is too great.

Have you thought about adopting a foster child?

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