He doesn't want to be with me anymore. My wife said she didn't want to live with me anymore. What does Maria Alyokhina do
My name is Christina. I really like my classmate Pasha, I have been studying with him for 2 years now. We finished the 9th grade and this summer, after graduation, we began to communicate well and walk with his company and mine best friend Julia. In the evening after graduation, Pasha and another childhood friend and classmate of mine accompanied me home. After that, we stood near my house for a very long time and talked about everything ... Then I realized that I like him. We walked for about a month, everything was fine ... And suddenly they tell me through their friend Yulia that they don’t want to communicate with me anymore! For me it was a blow, because for the first time I had a good company with which I could take a walk at any time. I decided to talk to Pasha about it, but he refused to explain to me why everything happened. He said that he was not such a good friend for me, but in fact he was dearer to me! I cried for a long time, did not go anywhere. It hurt me a lot ... A friend suggested telling Pasha that I really like him, but I decided that it would be superfluous. Please tell me where I'm wrong, what I did wrong, why did they just decide to leave me? It is very important for me to know...
Christina, Volgograd, 16 years old / 08/09/11
Opinions of our experts
Alyona
I know how important it is at the age of 16 to know exactly why your friends suddenly stopped talking to you, especially if one of them really likes you. And I know that it is very difficult to get explanations from friends who are only 16 why they do this. Simply because at the age of 16, actions are far from always friendly with logic and common sense. Your classmate didn't want to explain to you what was going on because the explanations might be stupid and he would look like a fool. This is common at the age of 16. Youthful maximalism makes it difficult to think sensibly. Perhaps he thought something or he was told something about you. I wouldn’t even be surprised if this was done with the help of your best friend, who has now taken on the role of mediator between you and that guy. Can you explain why those guys continue to communicate with your “best” friend, convey such unpleasant news to you through her, and at the same time she seems to not know what influenced their decision not to communicate with you? Suspicious... So the last thing you should agree to is that this Julia of yours becomes your messenger of love to this stupid boy. Even if she has nothing to do with it, you don’t need intermediate links in relationships with guys. You should learn to defend your interests with dignity without the participation of intermediaries in the person of girlfriends potentially interested in your failure. If that guy and his company weren't your classmates with whom you have to study for another two years, I would suggest that you give them up. If only because such behavior towards you characterizes them not from the best side. It's ugly, ignoble and just stupid. At the 3rd and 4th grade level high school. But since you have yet to cross paths with them in class, I recommend you muster up the courage and challenge the guy to an honest conversation. Not about love, of course. Say straight out that you have every right to know why they made the decision behind your back to kick you out of the company like a kitten. And if the guy starts to evade, call him a coward and say that you are glad that you did not have time to get carried away with him before you realized that neither he nor his friends are worth wasting time on them. And proudly left. You are only 16 years old, in a few years you will remember all this with a smile, if at all.
Sergey
You know, Christina, in this case, there can be as many options as to why what happened happened. For example, you can assume that your friend told something to your common company. What and why - I do not know. Maybe she liked this Pasha too. So I decided to eliminate the competitor. This is just an assumption, of course, but as far as I remember, in my school days, such collisions between best friends occurred all the time. Of course, the situation may be completely different. For example, this Pasha himself has a girlfriend, and as soon as he found out that you like him, he immediately decided to stop all communication so as not to "strain" his beloved. Or the guy just doesn't like you. Alas, this also happens quite often. As an interlocutor, as a comrade, he still perceived you, but not in another capacity. And having received information that you were breathing unevenly towards him, I immediately decided to break all ties. At your age, this is practiced as a matter of course. How did you find out? Well, again, you can ask your friend about this topic. In general, there are many options. But it's not worth worrying too much about it. If only because the behavior young man turned out to be very far from noble. That's not how normal guys behave. And, therefore, it is worth saying a big thank you to fate for opening its eyes to a person in time. After all, you could just explain yourself, talk, find out the situation. A person who simply throws someone out of the social circle for no reason and no explanation cannot be a good person. Why waste time on bad people? Let them live in their own well, but away from you. In addition, just take my word for it, in just two years, and perhaps even earlier, the situation will change dramatically. You will graduate from school, move away, grow up and begin to look at the world with different eyes. And everything that happened, you will evaluate differently. So don't fret too much. Of course, it is very unpleasant when you are “thrown” in this way. But on the other hand, it's an experience. And the experience, albeit negative, is already good. You will be wiser next time.
anonymously
Hello. Help with advice, please ... We lived with my husband for more than 15 years, my son was born in 98, everything seemed to be fine, we went for walks, went to friends in another city, were in companies .. But then suddenly he stopped approaching me , sex could not be for several months! True, to be honest, I didn’t want to, because he’s not super in this matter ((Everything happened very quickly, and so constantly ... I didn’t even have time to understand anything properly, but he was already that, everything ... It’s terrible ... Neither his man, nor anyone else, at least for himself .. He would not let me go alone, and he almost stopped going with me to friends. It became terribly dreary, all the time at home, at home, at home .... nothing didn’t change .. I had to stupidly live my life like this ... Once I was at the anniversary of a woman I knew and met a man there, he is married, and I understood perfectly well that we wouldn’t have anything, although I really liked him But it so happened that after some time we began to call back, and then to see him at work. That is, I came to him in the evenings and even at night .... I will explain: at first I was uncomfortable in front of my husband, but then seeing what attitude towards me (home-work-home, and I did not react to my requests to at least change something), I decided both you and me! she left the house openly .. By the way, we didn’t have anything like that with that man !! That was a strange relationship ... I was drawn to him, but there was some kind of stupor - he was married and therefore it was impossible. Point ... All sorts of hugs, kisses, and then no .... I then stopped understanding and this, well, how is it? Why do I need him then? He called and asked how I was doing and if I could visit him. It did not last long, but I managed to fall in love, and very much ... And when this mine new love he told me on the phone, don’t come back and don’t call - I just stood in some kind of shock, I couldn’t really understand anything, and pride prevented me from asking what and why. I just listened to him, answered something, I don’t even remember what .... but, of course, I stopped coming. She dumped all the negativity on her hubby, who managed to go to him and talk! I do not understand anything!! It would be nice to go to beat the face, but no! It turns out they drank vodka together! ... Both laughter and sin ... Two idiots, honestly ... I had a big fight with my husband, so much so that the VSD came out to its fullest! In the morning, after the scandal, I felt so bad, I thought I was dying ... My husband flew in after my call that I felt bad (I thought I had swallowed the wheels), although in principle it was, but I just ate sleeping pills and sedatives to fall asleep in the evening . And an overdose came out .... Well, then .... then there was a terrible depression, very long time . I just sat in one place and looked at one point .... my husband came home from work, and I immediately went to my room, I couldn’t see him then ... Well, then he just dumped ... He just left. And that's it. He didn't show up again. Of course, he gives me some money, but it's more like a desire to push me away - like I gave you cat's tears, well, sit and rejoice !! ... Revenge. Knowing his family, he takes revenge. And now it’s been like this for more than 6 years .. And now he generally said that he doesn’t want anything with me (when he even wanted to, it’s not clear)), and that he won’t come anymore, that he can’t stand me, that he’s disgusted, that he loves freedom and and so on .... And he bought a third car, drove some women prostitutes ... and even took me to the doctor for scrap .. You won’t believe it, but I really RANDOMLY caught him with these girls ... I go and I see his car, and some heifer gets into it ... then again the same way ... I call after him, they say come back, I saw you! He turned off instantly and then didn’t take the pipe .. And the last time I saw him like that with another, it’s generally from the category of fantasy .... I was standing at a traffic light and I look next to a car, literally five steps away, his car, he sits and some kind of girl, and the girl is driving!!! .... I waited until they leave and call again ... they say, where are you?) He- yes I ... yes ... on business ... Pyk-myk ... I told him - I saw you. Come back, just sit behind the wheel yourself! At least I'll look at your whore! He again slurred something in response .... I went along the oncoming lane, to where they left, so that the road in that place was one and no forks. What do you think? .... I arrived almost immediately, but ... without her) ... I get into the car and calmly ask who it is, why and what .... While I was asking, I didn’t get any intelligible answers, which is terrible for me pissed off ... well, how so ?? an adult and cannot answer simple questions - who was it with you? ... In the end, everything got me so tired, all his lies and unwillingness to just figure out why I constantly catch him with other people's heifers, well, I almost knocked out his windshield with my boot in the car ... brought ... Then he still somehow communicated with me, even after all this, but now .... no. Not at all. Even in the heat of the summer, he takes the child to swim on the Volga, but he doesn’t call me. there were as many as I had no boyfriends for all this time. There was one constant whom we met for four years. So what? I'm still bad! How about thinking with your head? Who is it all for?? Impotent? And what am I to blame for??... Well, what??.... I already lived with him, knowing his problem and did not go anywhere, although I was already dissatisfied with nothing at all. . Well, now for all these years I get "thank you" .... So what should I do? .... if I knew what he was, I would never live with him and get married, respectively, I would not go either. And now the idiotic situation: we are still husband and wife. There is a stamp in the passport ..... And no one is going to file for divorce! I don’t want to, but he has no idea ..... If I am so disgusting to him, why won’t he go and file an application ?? And he doesn't want to live with me... I don't understand anything... Explain to me, please, what kind of behavior he has? After all, the girls with him were definitely not because he was such a Casanova ... but they wanted money! I once told him so - you will finish the game! Some creature will put you like that, figs get up! And for sure .... well, it didn’t go to extremes, but the fact that he found out that she only needed money from him - he quickly understood ... But I warned ... ehh ... I didn’t listen ... Help me figure it out - what it is? Is this something new for men? live like this ... And how can you make him want to return? True, this is also from the category of fantasy .... Thanks to everyone who will respond.
Good evening! Unfortunately, I don't know your name. I have more questions for you than answers. In my opinion, it makes sense to be interested now not in the behavior of your husband that is incomprehensible to you, but to try to understand what is happening to you, what you feel, what you want for yourself. Be sincere and answer, first of all, to yourself, why are you so actively controlling your husband’s life, if in fact you have not lived with him for 6 years already, if, as you write, you were unhappy with living with him earlier, if you were not satisfied with the quality of sex ? Do you love him? If so, then such control and the requirement of an account of who he was with, as well as unflattering comments about women, are unlikely to contribute to your rapprochement, rather, on the contrary, they will increase the already large distance between you. If not, then it is important to understand for what purpose you are doing what you are doing, why do you want to keep a man nearby who does not suit you? Do you have answers to these questions? Do you know exactly what you want and why you need this relationship?
anonymously
My name is Natalya. Yes, I know what I want. And all this negativity is because the husband, having the opportunity to be together, raise a child, and not drive him from house to house (either with me or with daddy), does not want to lift a finger for this. All his ignores are incomprehensible to me, I try to call less, to see him. And even after two months, you can call and run into his usual "no", "I can't", "I won't help" and so on .... But for someone it immediately rushes and does what they ask. Now I have to take tests for hormones, further treatment ... maybe even an operation, which I am terribly afraid of, but I won’t look for support from him anymore ((I don’t want to wind myself up to the next neurosis. I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND why he does this!
Natalia, hello! It is a pity that you did not write about what you still want for yourself. I can only say that being able to be together and wanting to be around are two different things. Living together makes sense when there is love. Do you love your husband? Are you really ready to accept him the way he is, given all of your above claims against him? Does your husband want this? Agree that living together just for the sake of "not driving the child from house to house" is not the most the best option. What will the child observe? What kind of relationship will he see between you? How will you build your family later, what do you think? If possible, I recommend that you contact a psychologist for a face-to-face consultation and deal first with what is happening to you, with your feelings, desires, resentments, to understand why you want to return your husband and whether this is really the person you want see nearby. Good luck to you!
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon. My problem is very serious and it has been bothering me for 2 months now.
The fact is that my friend (considered her the best) Anya stopped communicating with me. Over the past 6 months, we have become very close and became friends. At that time, Anna was in a quarrel with her friends (Ulyana and Dasha). I have long wanted to start communicating with Anya, because I considered her very beautiful, sympathetic and kind. I might have wanted to be like her. Therefore, I began to pay a lot of attention to her, write to the post office every day. Anya began to reach out to me.
After 3 months of our friendship, Anya reconciled with her best friend Ulyana. (Ulyana, as I learned, hates me with all her heart and never wanted me to communicate with Anya.) The first weeks I was very offended that Anya communicates not only with me, but also with Ulyana, but I quickly reconciled.
There was a situation in which I became very close with the girls - this is an attempt to lose weight. After strict diets, Anya lost weight to dystrophy and is still being treated for it. In the midst of her illness, she realized that she was sick and stopped sitting on various diets, watching the cooking of food (this calmed her down). And after this realization, she drastically reduced our communication. Recently I found out that Anya has reconciled with Dasha and spends all her free time with her. When I start a conversation on the social network, Anya ignores my messages.
Yesterday I managed to talk with Anya and she told me that she was no longer interested in talking about diets, food, that my conversations were only about this and offered to cut communication to a minimum. I AM VERY HAPPY TO HER.
How to forget a friend? How to stop blaming yourself for this quarrel? Help me please.
The psychologist Kider Nikolai Klimentievich answers the question.
Hello Evgeniya. To be honest, I did not understand what the quarrel was about, which you write about at the end of the letter. Also, I don’t understand why you should forget the person for whom you feel, or have experienced, warmth? I mean that life is full, wide and multifaceted, and, in fact, there are a huge number of other topics for general conversations, both with Anya and her other friends. Starting from the simplest discussion of films-music-books-boys to something more original, like surfing.
Your friend gave a clear message, which was that she was no longer interested in talking about diets - great, find another topic. After all, if you look, the topic of weight loss and diets is traumatic for her, you yourself wrote that she got sick. And, quite naturally, these conversations are not pleasant to her.
To tell the truth, I have nothing more to add. Your friendship, which began on the basis of a common interest, can easily transform, make a new round, on new topic. Set a goal, find out what Anya, her friends are interested in, and "start from the beginning." In the end, Anya did not say that you were no longer interesting to her. She said the topic was bad. Well - find a better one! :)
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Eugene, age: 36 / 11/13/2011
Responses:
Good afternoon, Eugene! I sympathize with you very much. I'm sorry all this happened to you. I have met so few men like you among friends, colleagues and just acquaintances. I was in your situation almost 2 years ago. My husband told me the same thing (it’s boring with me, but it’s fun there, it’s hard for him with me, but they understand him, he endured all the time, almost suffered, but it’s easy there, there is a celebration of life, which he deserves :) and etc.). A friend of mine once told me that he felt bad for me. And at first I felt offended: what, am I really so terrible ?! And then it became clear what she meant. It was customary in his family to make boorish jokes, to allow oneself to speak rudely, to tell vulgar jokes, to drink from time to time - all this was for him and his family the norm of life and great torment for me! I objected, protested, initially gently, and then almost went to extremes, because he was a husband and I could not leave, I could not leave him, even dying and breaking my psyche. I wanted to help him, to protect him from himself and from the influence of his family and acquaintances. Now you probably want to ask me a couple of questions: why did I marry him, and why did I lose this battle? The answers are simple:
1st: both my ex-husband and I overestimated our capabilities: he thought that he could stop drinking completely (when we met, he only drank non-alcoholic beer, though 5-6 liters a day) and become what he always dreamed of: strong, caring, gentle, protector, and I thought that if I could help him improve, because initially he tried to be what he wanted to become.
2nd: and after a while my ex-husband it became clear that in order to live with me, he needs to change a lot in himself, really become the way he imagined himself, and it’s difficult to change and it’s easier to find a woman suitable for him ... Then my world collapsed. But now I am very grateful to him! And I'm glad that he left me then: after all, we could only be together if one of us could change and become like the other, otherwise, staying together we only destroyed each other and ourselves. Conclusions: it is necessary to choose a spouse of a person similar (to some extent): mentality, aspirations, desires, behavior, attitude towards parents and other people; do not rush to run to the registry office, but take a closer look at the person: maybe he is deceiving not only you, but also himself :), and does not even suspect it. In any case, you need to be careful and try not to make a mistake in choosing your own or in choosing a partner, i.e. not to let him make a mistake, from which it will be very painful for everyone later. Now I'm 34 and I get a little sad. :) It's sad that I may not meet my man, who will be a kind and reliable husband to me, and I will be his kind and caring wife, girlfriend, sister, because I may not have children ... But with On the other hand, how can I know what will happen next?! And being sad for the above reasons is just as ridiculous as being sad about the fact that one day I will get married again and have many children! :) And therefore, I ask you not to despair, you can safely continue to love your ex-wife, remember only that real love to one person does not interfere with loving no less passionately and being truly happy with another person. I don’t think that you should try to save this relationship, but you must definitely forgive your wife: can you imagine that your spouse understood everything and asks you for forgiveness, would you really not forgive her? Of course we did. And so it will be, only you may not know about it, therefore it will be impossible for her to be ashamed in reality to approach you. Someone said that God does not have time, i.e. for him there is no past, present and future, everything happens in one moment. I think that's right. May it be so for you. Still can be! I sincerely wish you to recover as soon as possible, shake off the pain and resentment, and start living again! Everything will work out for you, and you will definitely be happy and will be able to please your future spouse and children with your presence! So far you have only the future, but this is not enough! Diana.
Diana, age: 34 / 11/14/2011
Hello Eugene!
I want to give you an example from my life.
Here is one man. He sincerely considers himself an ideal husband. In general, this is not far from the truth - he doesn’t drink, doesn’t beat, doesn’t cheat, works, loves his job, defended his dissertation and generally achieved success, economic - everything for the home, for the family, and even with a sense of humor, and respects parents, loves children ... you can list for a long time.
But ... a small fly in the ointment - next to him you are suffocating. There is not enough air, life ... I don’t know .. some kind of recklessness, the breadth of nature.
You suffocate from the endless grumbling, nitpicking, from this terrifying, mechanical CORRECTNESS.
And yes .. it's boring with him. Boring to the point of tears. Because you understand that for this person ORDER in everything is a hundred times more important than living people around.
And such hopelessness when you realize that, for example, until you wash the dishes in this way (in this temperature of water, with exactly this amount detergent, it is with such a cloth to wash the plates, and precisely the other - the pans, and then wipe one with a towel - the other with gauze and arrange on the shelves in a once and for all routine manner), until you learn how to do this and only this way, you will be sawed, sawed and sawed ... And it's in every little thing.
When his wife left this man, he was genuinely amazed. He's the ideal. They have the perfect family life. He considered his wife a vile traitor and simply did not see and did not understand that he had sawed her with his own hands for a long time, strangled all the good that was between them. (But it was!!! And "one breath for two, one heart, one thought")
This does not mean that some of them are bad and some are good. It just means that people are VERY different. What is good for one is death for another.
If his wife had been such a lover of order, perhaps they would have lived a happy life.
But it should be noted that in this situation, the wife still tried for MANY YEARS in a row to change herself to please her husband. I tried to live by his rules. Out of love for him. But for this, you had to break yourself. Here she could not stand it and broke down.
The husband was sure that he was right, that he was an ideal. He wouldn't even think of changing himself. He only looked meticulously at the efforts of his wife. And I noticed everything - here it is still far from ideal, and here there is disorder, and here there is disgrace. He never even thought of praising her. After all, when you love, you need to point out to a person his imperfections so that he becomes better. So he thought.
Maybe this example has nothing to do with you, Eugene.
Just in a family, everyone should strive to break themselves in something for the sake of the other. Not only one. It's very hard and painful. Therefore, they remember the martyrs during the wedding.
"Giving your life in the literal sense of the word" is nothing compared to trying a little bit every day to make your wife feel loved.
Do exactly what she needs.
At least to give up for her sake his wonderful love of order. This is a real feat.
dikobraz, age: 30 / 11/14/2011
Eugene, I will give you one example from life. There is a man sitting next to me at the table next to me. He is 54 years old, 30 years of marriage, two wonderful children with whom he has a great relationship, but ... Exactly a year ago, he divorced his wife. For the reason: Did not agree on the characters. And the wife did not even resist the divorce! Vice versa! She agreed immediately!
Why did you leave? I asked this man.
And he, with strong (and after all, a year has already passed) experiences, said that he did EVERYTHING FOR THE WIFE!
Here is his story: New Year, I cut salads with the children, cooked soup, she came and is silent. I did not approach her, I gave my son a gift for her, so that he would give it to her and call to the table. The son, of course, immediately went to his mother, called to the table, gave me a gift, and she silently went into her room and closed the door. This was the last straw and I filed for divorce. She immediately agreed.
I asked: "Maybe your wife was waiting for you to hug her, kiss her, put a gift in warm hands?"
My colleague almost screamed with resentment: "Hug?! Yes, I set the table !!!"
For 30 years they spoke different languages. And they didn't understand each other. For a man, love was expressed in deeds, for a wife in something else (perhaps in touch, in conversations), and here are two very good people parted in resentment against each other, having lived together for 30 years!
Eugene, there are very good book, which helped me and my husband in solving a similar problem: "Five Love Languages", you can find it on the Internet. This is the only book that my husband described in one word: efficient.
It seems to me that you and your wife can still fix something, but you will have to change yourself and change your attitude towards your wife and family. Only work on yourself, on your mistakes can help. And, of course, God.
Karina, age: 45 / 11/14/2011
Hello Eugene. I sympathize with you, but believe me, the fact that your wife left you after 6 years is much better than what happened to me. My husband left me for another woman after 27 years and for the same reason as yours. We loved each other, always and everywhere we were together, it seemed we understood each other. They also went on vacations at sea with him, on kayak trips, built a summer cottage together, grilled barbecue, went to the forest for mushrooms, etc. But there was one misfortune - I didn’t allow him to drink too much (he could afford a lot), to speak obscenely in front of me and the children, tell obscene jokes, scoff at people’s faith in God (everyone has the right to believe or not - and it’s not for him to judge them for This). I have always thought that such remarks on my part are reasonable. But I turned out to be wrong. After 27 years (in May of this year), my husband found a woman (oddly enough, she works as a policeman) who allows all of the above, likes to take noisy walks, drink a lot, and is allowed to drink a lot. And for her, this behavior is the norm.
When parting, my husband said that I was very good, kind, but he found the life that he always dreamed of, that such a life is a holiday. It turned out that all these years I was breaking his concept of a good life, that it was boring, although he never told me about it. It was very hard and painful for me. And even now I am very bitter, but I am slowly trying to start living again. And I only regret that he did not leave me earlier, because I remained at the age of 50 with my life positions, but he has not changed and is unlikely to change, because education is laid from childhood.
Zhenya, don't break each other. You are still very young, you still have everything ahead of you. I think that you will definitely meet a woman who will understand and accept you the way you are. It seems to me that you are a decent, kind and good person, if only because you fell in love with someone else's child (and this is very difficult). All the best.
Nina Stepanovna, age: 50 / 11/14/2011
Zhenya, forgive me for calling me that, don't take it for familiarity. I want to support, but I don’t know how, I know only one thing, but it’s for sure that with God nothing happens just like that, by chance. Firstly, this is a test for you, and secondly, perhaps there is a girl waiting for you around the corner, who needs exactly this. Yes, many dream of such a man nearby! About calm, laconic, reliable and correct! So you deserve better, you still need to give birth to children, trust the will of God, I wrote earlier in my letter that there were times when it seemed that there was no more unhappy than me and I didn’t want to live, I asked God to take me away, and I have a daughter, and now Every day I thank Him that I extended my life, that I came to the temple, and I have changed and life has changed and the people around me are good! Just believe that everything is ahead, ask God for help! When tests are sent to a person, the Lord wants to bring a person to faith through them. After all, when do we feel bad? we most often turn to God, well, apparently there is no other way to get through to us, sinners! Think about it, maybe this is a signal to start new life? After all, if you do not change anything in yourself, then nothing will change around! Look into your soul, we care a lot about the body, we spend so much energy, money, and in the end it will become dust. How much do we care about an immortal soul? Yes, sometimes - not at all, but our darling is IMMORTAL, we need to cook it. God give you, Zhenechka, the strength to pass this test with dignity, learn a lesson from it, become stronger and gain faith. Only in this way and nothing else, with God's help!!!
Julia, age: 36 / 11/14/2011
When a person wants to leave, but there’s nothing to complain about, that’s when it starts: too talkative - too silent, you love order - you don’t like order ... I also (everyone like a carbon copy) was told "I'm tired, I want to live alone, you're so - melted ... walks here, breathes. " - It turns out that in order to please my husband, I had to stop breathing, or what? As they say, will it not be fat? Traitors, unfortunately, say all sorts of things and are wrapped up in such a way that sometimes you even begin to take your own merits for shortcomings. "I love order (especially in words and deeds)" - this is your quality - dignity, do not even hesitate. Yes, and it is strange to reproach for silence somehow; if you were a joker by nature, you would probably work as a clown in a circus. Therefore, you should not blame yourself for how much in vain.
Of course, everyone has flaws, and we make mistakes, we are living people, and we gain experience, we manage in the process of life. No one is born knowing everything and everything, I think. And these endless questions ... We must understand that some questions will be answered soon, some - over time, and others will remain unanswered, since they are rhetorical, not in our competence or for some other reason .. .
The greatest Saint Anthony asked the Lord why some people live like this, others like that, why some are given something, while others are deprived of it; he was told: "Anthony! That is the destiny of God!"
We must accept our circumstances, believing that the Lord loves us and everything will be for the better, let the person go, keep our hearts from bitterness and resentment. - This is the work of the soul - and not for one day. Eugene, you just know: the pain will subside; Most importantly, you strive to accept the situation, to realize that any person is endowed with free will and does what he thinks is best (even if it goes against our ideas about the best), treat yourself carefully, do not blame yourself for your virtues (if they weren’t appreciated, they didn’t stop being virtues for this), and take mistakes (if any) as a useful experience, the main thing is to have the courage to admit and correct them yourself.
Eugene, why did you decide that you should forget? Who should? And for what? These 6 years are part of your life, why forget this part, make it as if it had never been? You were happy - so thank the person for this, over time, remembering this part of your life, light sadness will remain. And let the person go, since such a choice has been made by him. Take it as is. In one sermon, the priest denounced lovers of all kinds of predictions (astrological): "Do you want to know what will happen? I'm making a prediction for you - it will come true 100%, I predict - it will be what will be." So we don’t know whether our halves will return to us, or our path will be without them, and we don’t know the future at all (although we fantasize richly). We can only accept what will be, firmly relying on God's help in this uncertainty... And accept what the Lord sends. Ask Him for strength and patience to endure the test, ask for good thoughts, ask for the strength to accept and humble yourself. I think it will be more correct in a global sense and more useful for us personally. Eugene, everything will get better, your heart will warm up, and you will still love, even though you can’t believe it now. Everything will be fine!
Irina, age: 43 / 11/15/2011
Hello Eugene.
Dialogue with a man is a special thing, here it is important to be able to get away from the female manner of communication, from "girlish" intonations, try not to overdo it with emotions. Dialogue is always "hearing the interlocutor", but how difficult it is to hear someone who is arranged and thinks in a completely different way, and has his own logic, masculine. You are well done, Eugene, you are - strong man. Already because they found the strength to write here. But here your interlocutors for the most part are those who also fell into history, and also probably failed to hear something from their now former partner. Here are all those whom life has put in the conditions of working on mistakes. We see a lot in other people's stories, we advise, we analyze. And they failed to understand their lives in a timely manner.
So you ask yourself: "Why is life like this?" And by whom is it arranged, what do you think? Who arranged your life, your wife? Isn't it you? Our problem is that we are not always ready to take responsibility for our destiny, for the lives of those who were let into it, for the consequences of this choice. And, when life cracks, we habitually look for someone on the side, some external forces, circumstances that could be attributed to failure. That's how most of us are. Everything good is fragile, you rightly noticed it. Therefore, it requires care, protection, careful handling, tact, tenderness. Like a newborn baby, from which a strong, strong, harmonious person will someday grow up. Unless, through negligence or indifference of the parents, he is crippled or becomes dystrophic or rickets.
It's the same with relationships. We very often, living with a person for many years, really never get to know him to the end. Not because he is closed from us, but because we are focused on ourselves, loved ones. We do not want to, too lazy to find out who is nearby. What he breathes, what interests him, what hurts, what he needs. We reduce relations to the exchange of a set of familiar application functions.
Wife: well, I cook food, I iron his shirts, marital obligations I'm doing. What does he lack?
Husband: well, I did the repair, I hammer in nails, I give my salary, I bring flowers on March 8th. What else does she need?
All of the above, each of the duo can receive without problems in the form of a service, without binding themselves to marriage obligations. You can have lunch in a cafe, shirts will be washed and ironed in a laundry, repairs will be done much better by professional builders, a capable person will always earn money himself and spend it on himself with great pleasure. For the same flowers for myself. As well as other needs...
So why do people want to live together? What unique need do they want to satisfy in alliance with each other that cannot be obtained as a service? People want understanding, sensitivity, tenderness, warmth, attentive and full of love look, the opportunity to just be silent, even in different rooms, but feeling the presence of each other. People need touches, very different ones: knowingly put your palm on the palm of another, or just hug, because you want, because this hug is pleasant for you, or just kiss on the back of the head, bent over homework. Little things like, but without them the life of two is like distilled water: no taste, no color, no smell. The strength of the little things is that there are many of them. And you can't do without them. And all these little things, transiences, touches and nuances, merging, turn into a song: "I love you, I need (need) you", even if it was not verbally uttered.
"Little things" in a relationship have a colossal power of influence, cause a strong emotional response. Either positive or negative, if they are neglected. And, if one of the partners underestimates this, as they say, "does not catch up", none of his correctness and positivity of the relationship will save if there are no emotional colors in them. The second half begins to experience emotional hunger, which causes a feeling of deep dissatisfaction with the relationship, irritation, alienation. And he will want to satisfy this hunger elsewhere. Because it's COLD here. And he (or she) leaves to WARM, where it's warm, where there's just kindness, participation, the opportunity to relax and lean against someone's shoulder or put your head on someone's knees, so that someone's hand just ruffles your hair . And that's it. But how much is said by this gesture!
Not later than today, I had the opportunity once again to be convinced of the magical power of "little things". One of the employees had a big trouble with her adult son. She could not tell anyone about the situation that weighed on her for a number of reasons, but she kept on the last nerve. It so happened that at lunch in the dining room the table turned out to be free exactly where this woman was located. It was impossible not to notice the upset face of the neighbor, she literally barely held back her tears. I did not ask the employee about anything, but her condition caused an irresistible desire to somehow support the person. Quite spontaneously, I just put my hand on her hand and quietly said: "Everything will pass. Everything will be fine, you'll see. Just trust that everything will be fine." In response, the woman began to cry and told what had happened to her. It was really a story that is unlikely to have a desire to tell. What a load!
I listened without interrupting or asking questions. At the end of the story, the woman sighed with obvious relief and said: "Thank you. It was as if I had talked with a loved one and I felt better." Trust me, those words brought tears to my eyes. From the sincerity of a person and the pain he splashed out. But we hardly communicate with this employee at work, like this: hello, goodbye.
All questions should be addressed not to life, which for some reason "is so arranged", but to ourselves: why am I stingy on good words to loved ones? Why can't I see what it does to me native person? And if I notice, then why don't I tell him about my gratitude aloud? Why didn’t I react in any way when my wife came home from work clearly upset? Why don't I call her during the day, at least sometimes, just to tell her how much I miss you and look forward to watching TV in the evening? Why can't I cook dinner or at least wash the dishes when my wife isn't feeling well? Why don't I give her flowers without a solemn occasion, but just like that? Well, at least one flower? Why did I go to my friends (for football) on the weekend, and did not figure out how to spend an interesting weekend with my wife? Why doesn't it occur to me to just put her slippers on the heater to keep her warm when she gets home? Is that difficult? Yes, for this gesture, a woman will be smashed into a cake for her husband!
And many, many more "why?". That's what life is made of. Right or wrong. From all this lies the fragility or strength of all that is good. In the 1970s, the theater of satire staged a performance with a star cast called "Little Comedies of the Big House", which was often shown on TV. One of the characters, the Caucasian husband of a caring wife, who was offended by his indifferent attitude, replied to her expression of resentment: “So what if I don’t say any words? Dusya, I love you internally!” This is wonderful, but does the one who is loved “inwardly” guess about it?
We did not come into this world to build the Dneproges, to earn money for a dacha-car-apartment, to rub the nose of our neighbors with a cool renovation or to defend a dissertation. We came into this world to LEARN TO LOVE. So that another next to us feels good, and we feel good because he feels good. And everything that happens to us in the course of the plot, all the episodes of our life, including the construction of the Dneproges and European-quality repairs, meetings and partings, serves as a means to achieve this main goal. It is a pity that this understanding comes to us rather late and is achieved at a very high price. We are careless students.
Inside you, Eugene, now goes big job, It is obvious. Evidence of this work, the search for the best part of yourself is your letter to the guest page. You are tormented by this story, you ask a lot of questions, take inventory of the part of your life you have lived. This work will surely bear fruit. You will change. And he, the new Eugene, will see the current situation differently. In the new position there will be no condemnation of the properties and characteristics of the other partner. It won't at all. But there will be a clear picture of their imperfections. And this will be the main result of what happened. It is clear that a young and intelligent man will not be left alone. And with whomever new relationships develop, you, for your part, will build them on a completely different level. It cannot be ruled out that a new relationship will be built with your wife. That happens. The pause that has now come in your life is absolutely necessary for you to comprehend. Do not rush to fill it with new relationships. There will be no sense, so, there is only one vanity. Your time will come when you are ready for a new relationship. Everything will be ok. Confidence in this inspires your restlessness, desire to understand, readiness for a critical look inside yourself. You will certainly be happy. It just takes effort. Good luck to you, Eugene!
Smilla, age: 55 / 11/16/2011
Thanks to all of you who responded to my letter! Read a lot of really good advice. Diana,
especially for answer #2 and the fact that we don't know what's around the corner.
dikobraz, Thank you very much, but, of course, I didn’t get to such insanity. I wanted to instill in my son simple worldly truths, such as respect for elders, I tried to get away from the computer and go to the sports ground (although I understood that at the age of 12 what kind of horizontal bar could we talk about), etc. I agree with you that everyone should break themselves for the sake of the other, that's where I missed the moment, although, believe me, I tried, but apparently not enough.
Karina, I completely agree with you, she didn’t have enough attention and she told me about it, but I didn’t take it seriously, because I seem to be trying and doing men’s housework and doing women’s affairs (I’m not boasting), but lost some thread, missed something more important
Nina Stepanovna, thank you for your kind words. Yes, your situation is much worse. But, sorry, I don't understand him - TWENTY SEVEN YEARS together!!! And then what about apart?
Julia, you know, but once she also said that she needed a calm, restrained she's too funny. Thank you for understanding, for the advice of turning to God. At the very thought such arise, but somehow I will not make up my mind. Responsibility is a very matter.
Irina, you hit the mark in many ways, there is no answer to a single question yet, and I myself understand that no one can answer them, except for myself, a matter of time.
Smilla, you are right about the stinginess of emotions - this is the full truth. For a long time I considered myself emotionally greedy, but in relationships with women this is important.
Thank you all for your support, understanding and advice. But, you see, what is the paradox, I became even more silent and did not show any emotions. Somehow I accidentally noticed.
Eugene, age: 36 / 11/16/2011
Eugene,
Emotions will come after rethinking. I also had this: silence-experience-understanding - life after rethinking. And those problems that were a reason for tears have now become life experiences and changed the way we look at the world.
All your thoughts relate to something high and sublime, you are looking for meaning in life. However, while solving the problems of the universe, you do not notice the simplest life! Open the window, take a breath Fresh air! Look how beautiful life is! This beauty is for you to enjoy. Breathe deeply, feel the world with every cell of your body. Otherwise, you will wither on the vine, like a flower without water, and you will cease to interest not only yourself, but also those around you.
The most important thing is that you are at home: healthy, young.
Ariadne, age: 40 / 11/17/2011
Eugene, you cause boundless sympathy! Very self-critical and sane person! and you deserve happiness. And it is possible that your wife will soon come to her senses, it seemed that something from the outside clouded her brain. It happens ... Or maybe just depression fell on her at that moment? It happens ... But it all PASSES! GOOD LUCK!
And Smilla, as always, is incomparable in her comments!
Marina, age: 41 / 11/17/2011
Hello Zhenya.
Firstly, I want to tell you that life goes on ... yes, it hurts, it's a shame, but it will pass ... you are now in the past, you blame yourself, then her, then fate ... without noticing it ... you are offended, but believe me, this will also pass ... think about the fact that you - here and now - you are real ... and then you can look at the world with love ...
My husband left me (they lived for 13 years), left us with my son (he is 12) - he simply said that he no longer loves, and then he brought down all his discontent on me (it turned out that he had been dating another for 5 years, he loves her, she loves him dream, etc.) we broke up... after 8 months we decided to live together, but alas, there are no miracles in the world... you can't return what has already been lost...
Perhaps, in your case, you met a person, and he is uncomfortable with you, it happens that you are perhaps cleaner, brighter, more well-mannered, people can’t always live with a person who is a head taller than him, they constantly need to reach out ... and it’s hard. ..maybe this is the reason...everyone is looking for what they deserve...
So look ahead, do not feel sorry for yourself, and everything will work out for you ... Good luck to you.
Olga, age: 35 / 11/18/2011
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