I have been married for 7 years, a year ago I thought that I was very lucky with my mother-in-law and my husband's large family. And he has about 14 close relatives, to whom we went every Saturday. Travel 100 km one way.
His parents never interfered much, did not help, but invited him to stay at their expense, gave tickets, and so on. And for me and my sister even a couple of times)) My father-in-law at work has the opportunity to make free tickets.

Everything changed a lot when I became pregnant (the first child in the family). Everyone began to talk about how much everyone would pamper the child.

My sister wanted to organize a baby shower for me (a small celebration where they congratulate the expectant mother and bring gifts to the child, such as "dowry").
Immediately, the mother-in-law with her sister (husband's aunt) jumped in and said that she was organizing. I asked my sister to also participate in this, so that there would be an opportunity for my mother to participate in this matter via Skype (my sister and I live in another country). The mother-in-law ignored this moment, and when I asked again, she sent a message that she was canceling this holiday and that none of her relatives could spend it, only in a restaurant. Between this case, there were many comments in SMS about what things we should put in the gift list for the schauer, that we should definitely go to the stores and look there, and not just on the Internet. And all with comments, they say, after all, this is your child. The sediment was not good, both for my husband and for me.
I worked 12-14 hour days during my pregnancy until last day(and all night in the hospital while preparing for childbirth), that is, all this stressed me in addition to everything. My husband also worked at the same pace, because it was necessary to have time to complete all the projects.

Then the mother-in-law decided that she was uncomfortable in front of other relatives and "did a favor", and returned the holiday 2 weeks before the appointed date, after she found out that the wives of 2 of her husband's colleagues cooperated with my sister and organized the holiday.
All this got on my nerves.
There was a big disappointment at the holiday, all distant relatives gave very good gifts, but the relatives with whom we constantly communicated presented a full g. and not from a sheet on which they themselves insisted. Moreover, a cheap city, although everyone is very wealthy. To be honest, I was very hurt in the light of statements about how they would "spoil my child." I also asked not to give anything pink, and of course my mother-in-law bought pink clothes.

We didn’t know when I would give birth, but we warned everyone not to come to my hospital (visitors are allowed into the ward here), I only wanted to see my husband. The birth was difficult for the baby and I had an emergency caesarean. She was born small. I could not breathe, as a result I was put on oxygen and my husband stood with me and woke me up all night so that I would not stop breathing. It wasn't all easy. When the next day the husband called his father to say that everything was fine. Father said that they say your mother flew there to meet you. Naturally, immediately upon arrival, she came to my ward, and in outerwear, she had to be reminded to wash her hands. I was feeding the baby at that moment, it did not bother her, she stared into the ward and stared at my chest. Which I didn't like. And she began to have small talk with her husband about what she ate for breakfast. After the nurse came to inspect my seam and other parts, the mother-in-law was not embarrassed, she did not even try to get out. It was very unpleasant, disgusting, because my honey was discussed. questions including how I poop (sorry). The last straw was that she took the baby out of the crib and began to essentially apply it face down to the outerwear. I am under the pretext that the child needs to sleep and asked me to put it down. I couldn’t even look at her, it was so disgusting and unpleasant for me, and it’s a shame that my requests are being ignored. After that, her husband took her away, she kept him there for 2 hours, although I needed help with the child. After that, she repeated her arrival again, and I simply could not overcome myself and did not even look at her. My husband noticed this and tried to find out what was the matter, I naturally (hormones) expressed everything. To which he sent her quickly to relatives and she did not appear anymore.

My parents gave us $7,000 for our birthday, his parents gave us nothing but the organization of the holiday (the organization cost $200, I saw the bill). At all. Even when she came to me in the hospital, she did not give me anything. Although they have more opportunities than my parents, who work hard in Russia, although they are already retired.
And all his relatives know that I plow for 12-14 hours to earn money, because my husband has problems in the company now. That money would allow me to sit with the child and relax, and not rush to feed her, then run to the computer to work remotely and finish projects.

All this left a very large sediment. It’s very disgusting and disgusting for me to even think that in a week they will show up on the doorstep and touch my child. If I could, I would stop them from appearing here at all.
I refused all visits to relatives, because I will not take a small child 100 km in one direction, so that his relatives would be comfortable. His relatives did not understand this. Absolutely, well, how will they have to get up and do something, but it is unlikely that he will burden himself like that. But father-in-law will definitely draw.

The situation is complicated by the fact that my mother arrives for a month and will live with us, that is, it turns out somehow not fair that my mother will get this time with her granddaughter, and I deliberately oblige the time to his parents. I love and appreciate my husband and I don’t want to hurt him with my attitude towards his parents.

Questions:
1) what do you think from the situation, I perceive everything too much? My husband has the same grievances, but maybe we are too hormonal now and all this is "worldly nonsense"?
2) how will it be honest with respect to her husband so that the parents how long we have been sitting? Based on the fact that my mother will live with us for a month?
3) What should I do if I feel disgusted to look at them? How to overcome disgust, and how to make sure not to snatch the child from their hands when they decide to hold it. (I write and the very thought tears me apart)
4) how to overcome resentment for the material?
5) How not to offend or hurt your husband?

Thank you!

PS help with tags, free discussion is fine))

A Russian person has a lot of relatives. And each relative has a strange name that requires decoding.

"Father-in-law" - the father of a husband for his daughter-in-law (derived from "mother-in-law").

“Mother-in-law,” used to sound like “all blood”, “bred blood”, the head of the clan, which unites all blood relatives. Another version is “one’s own shelter” (earlier in Rus', the bride was brought to her husband’s house, so the house of the mother-in-law became native).

"Dever" comes from the word "trust".

To whom, if not this man, the young wife could entrust what she considered the most intimate. According to another theory, a relative was called brother-in-law not for the reason that they trusted him, but because, unlike others, he was often pointed to the door (you are not needed here with your advice, do not be smart). As an option, the brother-in-law was pointed to the door after being trusted too much.

"Sister-in-law" - comes from the word "evil", so in some regions of Russia it was pronounced as "zlovka".

This term may be associated with an old rite, when after the wedding, the bride was sprinkled with ashes on her head (her husband's sister also participated in this rite). This word is found in literary works written before the 18th century. The sister was always jealous of her brother for his young wife, and believed that she was doing everything wrong, shameless, so basically the term has a negative meaning.

"Daughter-in-law" - "who knows who."

This meaning is due to the fact that when taking a girl from a foreign clan, or other lands, as a wife, the husband’s relatives did not know anything about her (her customs, character, skills), which means they take someone who is not clear into the house. The etymology of the word is associated with the patroness of the hearth - Vesta, who lived in ancient Rome.

“Daughter-in-law” is a daughter-in-law, the wife of a son, a brother-in-law, or an experienced wife who already has children (“to be demolished”, “to demolish”).

The concept of "daughter-in-law" is not just a designation of kinship, but also a certain status. Another option - "daughter-in-law" comes from the word "son" - son's wife. But where did the "ha" part come from? The groom's parents considered the daughters-in-law to be clumsy, so they could both laugh at them and find fault (teach). Therefore, the word "daughter-in-law" has a derisive character.

“Father-in-law” - comes from the words: “tyaty”, “father”, “amuse”, “honor”, ​​parent of the wife.

A person who must monitor the observance of all traditions, the laws of honor in the family.

"Mother-in-law" - has Slavic roots and comes from the words "amuse", "comfort". After the wedding, the mother rarely sees her daughter, so amuse herself when she comes. Another option - the mother-in-law comforts small children (grandchildren).

"Shurin" - brother of the wife.

One of the points of view of the designation of the word "brother-in-law" is to scold (it turns out that he was scolded all the time). Another version - the word comes from "SHCHUR". To protect themselves from the evil eye in the old days, people squinted. The brother-in-law is a young friend who knows a lot, so it’s sly to squint. The verb "to make a fuss" was used when knitting brooms, weaving hedges and other products from branches. Therefore, the word "brother-in-law" means related by family ties (we introduced you to ourselves, therefore we are in the same family bond).

“Sister-in-law” - comes from the word “one’s own” (one’s relative is not blooded, but not a stranger either).

For a young husband often become the best friend.

"Svoyak" - earlier in Rus' this was the name of those with whom it was pleasant to spend time, especially to eat and drink.

Later, distant relatives who are not blood relatives began to be called that. In this case, such a person is neither a relative nor a stranger. Even with relatives, sometimes there were no such warm relations as with brothers-in-law (after all, a brother, for example, may turn out to be a non-drinker).

"Son-in-law" - the main meaning of the word is "to take."

Why take it? Because this is a person who took a girl (wife) as his wife, and not money from the bride's parents. Another version - "son-in-law" - a person who, after the wedding, becomes famous, familiar. Son-in-law could only be called the man who brought his wife to his house.

Husband's relatives

Relations with the husband's relatives often bring a lot of unpleasant moments and sometimes have a very negative impact on children. The situation in which a child is brought up by a mother and her mother-in-law, who mutually hate each other, can hardly be considered safe.

The word "daughter-in-law" is interpreted by many as "who knows who" in the understanding of the husband's mother.

Any mother, becoming a mother-in-law, is at first critical of her daughter-in-law. This is quite natural when it does not go beyond the framework of universal concepts and relations. The odious image of the mother-in-law is caused not only by maternal jealousy, and not only by the fact that all mothers-in-law are like that, but also by the inability of a young wife to find mutual language with her husband's mother. Since this is often a young girl, her attitude towards her mother-in-law is akin to the continuation of a teenage rebellion. In families where spouses are older, this conflict, as a rule, is much less pronounced or absent altogether.

Why is it difficult for a mother-in-law to come to terms with the fact that her son has another woman, who has now become the main one in his life? Well, of course, from this very love for his son. After all, she gave her boy all her heart! The mother-in-law-daughter-in-law conflict is especially acute when the mother-in-law herself did not have a relationship with her husband. She gives the most expensive - this is understandable. You can talk a lot about how a mother shouldn't do that. But this is often beyond her control. So what to do?

She mother-in-law - to understand that her son suffers from this. And the bride? Fight or submit? Neither one nor the other. Wait, and make every effort so that the mother-in-law does not consider her the one who can offend her son. The more love from the daughter-in-law to her husband she observes, the faster her heart will make a choice. And then, do not make your husband suffer! And when grandchildren are born, then she (mother-in-law) can calm down completely. It is very important not to spoil the relationship at the very beginning. A few tips will help young wives ingratiate themselves with their mother-in-law.

Tell her about your plans. You can even ask for advice. You will still do it your own way, but if you emphasize that you do something the way she sees fit (that is, your opinions are the same), she will like it.

Thank her often for her help. She does it from pure heart, believe me.

Do not insult or criticize your husband in her presence. You can do it very well when she is not around.

Ask her to teach you something, like how to cook their favorite family meal.

Don't forget about it during the holidays.

But it happens that the husband is completely weak-willed and definitely under the influence of his mother can accept her point of view, for example, such that your role is to look after him and give birth to his mother's grandson. This is a bad alignment and means that your family has little chance. This is something you should talk about with your husband. Remember that if you say "Either she or I" - then there will be nowhere to retreat. You'll have to think about

The relatives of the husband are those people who are familiar and dear to him. The wife's relatives are also dear to her. Relations between clans are a sign of culture, respect and understanding of spouses for each other.

Men, of course, again, it's easier. There are anecdotes about the relationship between the mother-in-law and the son-in-law, while stories about the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law are painted with tragic shades. It must be said that the intelligence of the mother-in-law and mother-in-law is measured by what they say about the son-in-law or daughter-in-law outside the family. A smart mother-in-law will never talk badly about her son-in-law in front of outsiders, no matter what she thinks about him.

I really liked the answer of one woman from the program “My Family”. She said something like this: “My daughter fell in love, and all that remains for me is to love the one she chose.”

Couples need to understand two things:

The first is that their loved ones, coming into conflict with their half, most often do it because they think that they are doing you a favor in this way. If so, then explain to them that you will figure it out yourself, and tell them about the positive qualities of your wife or husband. Almost always, the phrase works flawlessly: “And she (he) never thought about you that way” or something like that.

But if you see that the conflicts that existed in your family before marriage begin to affect a new family member, this should be stopped.

Secondly, your relatives should know that, in conflict with your chosen one or chosen one, they hurt you. Perhaps this understanding will help smooth out the roughness of interfamily relationships.

But when the family is young and has not yet become a symbiosis, when the spouses have not yet gained confidence in each other, the farther the relatives, the better. This forces young people to look for independent solutions for optimal interaction.

All this concerns normal people, of course. Family is something that is not given up. The members of the family in which you grew up are bound for life by ties that are difficult to explain materialistically, and even unseemly deeds, unfair treatment and insults, family members forgive each other. Young spouses understand all this later, many years after the wedding, but it is better to know about it from the very beginning.

The best way to try to understand is to ask yourself if you had a choice - your spouse or mother, brother, sister or father, what would be your choice. To face such a choice is to plant a time bomb in your family, which has not yet been formalized.

It is better to do everything so that this choice never has to be made.

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The topic of relations with the mother-in-law is much less anecdotal than the “mother-in-law”, but the number of tragedies, family scenes and divorces in seemingly strong marriages through the fault of the mother-in-law is off scale. The reason for this is the excessive infantilism of a man, often superimposed on the parallel authoritarianism of his mother and the moral immaturity of his wife. As a result, either the years of the Cold War, periodically accompanied by domestic sabotage, or a wedding, scandals and a solemn division of property. Let's figure out how to solve this problem. Once and for all.

Divide and don't let rule

First rule building a good relationship with the mother-in-law sounds like this: it is absolutely impossible to live together. A man should not be torn between opposite social roles - husband and son. For his mother, at any age, he is a child, small, in need of care and the best in the world. And for the wife - the protector, the head of the family and the father of joint children. And, if these roles constantly stumble upon each other, a conflict in the head is inevitable. Therefore, under no circumstances should you live under the same roof with your father-in-law. Even if you can't afford to rent an apartment, rent a dorm room, but separate.

Realize that a mother-in-law, even the best in the world, will never be your friend. Don't be fooled by illusions. You took away her beloved boy from her, now he gives you most of his love, his time and attention. He buys gifts for you, lives with you, takes care of you. Therefore, if you are constantly in front of your mother-in-law, jealousy is inevitable. As well as resentment and attempts to pull the blanket over yourself. Only one mother-in-law will do this defiantly, impudently, and the other - gradually, sometimes not even realizing that "wishing well", she crosses the boundaries of a stranger, in fact, a family. And then there is a 99% chance that the marriage will either break up or turn into family hard labor. So separate. By any means.

When distance doesn't help...

I often have to remind that the formal age of a person (written in the passport) does not matter. You can live until retirement, and keep the brain at the level of a teenager. It is quite possible that the mother-in-law is reasonable as a fifteen-year-old girl, but considers herself a wise woman. And you, due to a misunderstanding of how to deal with it, are lost.

If the situation is familiar second rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law - move away emotionally, imagine that in front of you is not your mother-in-law, but one of the unfamiliar neighbors. She calls you with incomprehensible claims, insults, instructive and soul-saving conversations. You feel uncomfortable talking to her. How will you react? And, moreover, how will you perceive her chatter? Represented? This is exactly what your reaction to the conversations of your mother-in-law should be now - this is a stranger to you. And she does not wish you any "good". Since her own life did not take place, she cannot advise you anything smart, but she is offended because you live better than she does.

Rule Three : live your life, and let the mother-in-law live hers. She is not your daughter to raise or pity. Her own adult choice of infantility is none of your concern. Your task is to protect yourself and your family from the toxic influence of someone else for you personally, I emphasize, an infantile person.

Read Karen Pryor's book "Don't Growl at the Dog" and exactly from this book decide which topics of conversation you like and which ones you are not interested in. And how will you stop talking on topics that you don't like. Explain what topics you are ready to talk about and what not - and let this decision become the sixth rule in relations with the mother-in-law. And act in accordance with these conditions. If you do not take the initiative, your husband's mother will blow your mind with her interests and provoke you to emotions with conversations.

Some manage to stir up passions even during a telephone conversation. If you don't manage this conversation, the mother-in-law may grope for painful topics and tread on pet peeves. If you politely endure, she will drive over your feelings with a tractor, hurt incredibly painfully, but educated girl cries, licks his wounds, and again politely picks up the phone so that it all happens again.

Tired? Write your own conversation script. You are a smart and mature woman, so communicate according to the scenarios that suit you and stop unpleasant dialogues. No one is forcing you to keep up a conversation that you don't like. You are not under interrogation by the Gestapo, you are free to interrupt the conversation and leave. Learn to take responsibility for your condition and well-being and teach other people to respect your comfort.

She's a grandmother!

Fourth Rule building a good relationship with the mother-in-law calls for remembering that public opinion and established stereotypes are often wrong. Women are afraid to limit communication with their mother or mother-in-law under the pretext "she is a grandmother, she loves her grandchildren." Yes, grandmother, but, alas, not always loves. For many grandmothers, love does not appear, something does not work. Grandmothers may well not experience love on demand. Moreover, you are nobody to her, she may well not love you, but quietly hate you.

However, public opinion says that it is “not good” to ignore the grandmother, and she appears in the house under the pretext of communicating with her grandchildren, but in fact - in order to keep public opinion satisfied. At the same time, a grandmother can bring so much negativity that after her you and your children can even get sick. Remember, are there any such patterns? That she came, said nasty things to you or the children, and left satisfied, but your head hurts? And she attacks you most often - under the pretext, of course, of kindness. She is native person How can she give bad advice?

Maybe. And unconsciously. If a grandmother moves away from her grandchildren or does dirty things over trifles, there is only one conclusion - distance yourself. A person who truly loves will not compulsively climb with aggression, he will find ways to interact pleasantly and with pleasure. And this communication will be joyful, not burdensome. If any conversation or any meeting with the older generation turns into hell, a stream of negativity, claims or reproaches - remove this poison from the life of your family, do not poison yourself.

It’s somehow inconvenient to leave an elderly person

Fifth Rule building a good relationship with the mother-in-law will be useful in relations with all relatives and friends without exception. It's about not letting anyone treat you badly. From such behavior it is necessary to wean or reduce communication to zero. The ability to communicate is a necessary skill that every adult should and can develop. If it is important for a mother-in-law to be able to talk to you or her grandchildren, she should do everything to be pleasant for you. Find at least one reason why a strange woman gets the right to control you, give ridiculous advice and spoil your mood? Why do you need it? You don't need anything from your mother-in-law. And her relationship with her own son is none of your business. Your job is to make sure that the husband defends the interests of his wife and family, and not his mother. As long as it protects, there is nothing to worry about.

It's his mom, not yours.

Your mother-in-law is a stranger, says sixth rule. This is his mom. If he wants to communicate with her - let him go to visit or go to theaters with her and communicate. And you mind your own business. If you do not force your husband to endure the mother-in-law, then he should not impose the mother-in-law on you. If the husband does not think so, most likely, you yourself are not sure about the correctness of the decision not to see his mother. You, too, were inspired for many years by the social standards of Soviet society, in which elders must be respected, even if they behave like impudent teenagers.

Sometimes, in response to a desire to stop communicating, they may begin to accuse you of being an insult to your mother-in-law. Answer yourself, how can it be an insult not to communicate with a strange woman, not your mother at all? Where is the logic in this statement? There are seven billion people on the planet - who else have you offended by not communicating with them? These are strangers to you, the same as your husband's mother. You did not choose her to create a family and did not decide to live happily ever after with her. You may as well not communicate with your husband's brother, with his aunt, grandfather, cousin and ex-girlfriend.

If you are confident in your decision, no one will move you from your position. Let's say you are sure that children should only be born in an official marriage - and you will not be forced to give birth before being stamped in your passport. But what about alimony, if anything, and what, if you never know, how will life turn out?

In the situation with the mother-in-law, if you are waiting for approval from me - here it is, I approve of your decision to share communication. Share. Arrange mother-in-law visits so that you are not at home at this time. Go away. Don't visit her. The husband will spend time with his mother, and you do not need it.

Give yourself permission to do your own thing rule number seven and for all time, if you want to be happy. Without doubting, without worrying and without thinking that maybe you are wrong? You're right. At 100%. That's the right decision. The rest of the family system will adjust, will be forced to accept your position. And while you yourself doubt, you get these games in which you are manipulated, and you are a puppet bouncing under the wrong hands.

Be that as it may, every girl who meets a guy's parents is very worried and worried. In order to make such an acquaintance as comfortable as possible, you need to know a few tricks that can really elevate a girl in the eyes of her boyfriend's parents. In order for the first acquaintance to be of high quality and without problems, you must first learn everything about the character and habits of the chosen one's parents. It is their behavior that will tell you how they appreciated the girl, her appearance and character. Next, we will look at some recommendations on how to get to know a guy's parents and like them.

Relatives of husband and wife: all about relationships

The husband's relatives, especially his mother, as well as the wife's mother, have long been the heroes, if not of anecdotes, then certainly of funny stories, and sometimes of very difficult events. Attention is also paid to the joyful events associated with newly acquired relatives, and the very sad negative relationship between the older generation and the bride or groom, whom the children brought into an already established family.

In such cases, you can even hear statements in the style of "I do not like my husband's relatives." To get rid of negativity in life, you should know how to love your husband's relatives and establish contact with your wife's parents.

A woman's relationship with her mother-in-law and father-in-law

Good relations with relatives are beneficial to both parties - parents with their children, the older generation with the younger. But often there are problems and conflicts in the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the husband's parents.

Girls very often complain about their mother-in-law and pour statements like "my husband's relatives do not accept me." Indeed, it is the mother-in-law who can cause some of the most serious problems for marriage. This can happen for several reasons at once:

1. The mother-in-law does not approve of her son's choice, just as she does not approve, for example, of the low level of housekeeping of her child's chosen one, her pedigree, her unwillingness to have a child soon, or any other characteristic of a girl.
2. The mother-in-law behaves too selfishly, constantly demands attention from her son and is offended by the lack thereof.
3. The husband's mother can also be overly critical and picky towards her daughter-in-law, check and control her every step, which can certainly lead to quarrels, disputes and unpleasant disagreements.

In all similar situations you need to understand what to do if you don’t like your husband’s relatives, and how to take some steps to improve family relations among all her relatives. So, for example, you should not react too aggressively to annoying criticism and it is better to show attention to your husband's parents more often and visit them on your own initiative.

It is important to remember that constant complaints to the husband are unlikely to improve the situation - the man will most likely take the side of his mother, which will definitely not help get rid of quarrels.

Of course, there are various other ways and solutions that suggest how to protect yourself from the blatant relatives of your husband. Among them, one can single out such radical decisions as moving to another city, or simpler and more banal ways, such as restrained and cold communication with a newfound family, not allowing any of the relatives to hurt and offend with their own words.

Negative image of mother-in-law

In fact, the mother-in-law poses a much lesser threat to the relationship of a young couple than a selfish and critical mother-in-law. Perhaps the only thing for which the mother-in-law is a threat is conceit young man, since the mother of the wife very often likes to play tricks on her son-in-law and tease him.

As for the rest, the spouse does not allow criticism of the husband, preferring, if discussing the problems of marriage with his mother, then doing it completely imperceptibly.

The father-in-law usually also does not interfere in the daughter's relationship and reacts negatively to the son-in-law only if he really manages to offend his wife.

The chosen one of the girl may be suspicious of the parents of his wife if former relatives husband, in the case of the existence of previous marriages, have become a negative example of the relationship between two families.

In this case, the husband should put aside prejudices and try to establish contact with new relatives so as not to upset his beloved wife and not give the mother-in-law another reason to let go of taunts in his address.

The importunity of the wife's mother should not be frightening either - the importunity of the husband's mother is in no way inferior to her, and sometimes even "exceeds" her. However, a girl should not complain and tell negative stories about her husband’s relatives and himself to her parents - this can disturb them and cause suspicions about right choice the chosen one for his daughter, which can cause a deterioration in communication between them and, as a result, to quarrels within the couple.

Good relations between members of two families often depend not only on the behavior of the older generation, but also on the young themselves. They must also show firmness of character and stop the arrogance of their own parents in case such actions are needed, but at the same time show enough attention to relatives on both sides.

Husband's relatives or wife's family can become real family people if you find a common language with everyone and try to create and maintain a good atmosphere.