My husband can't protect me. Should a husband protect his wife from his mother-in-law? Psychologist Anzhelika Viktorovna Andrianova answers the question

From childhood, or rather from the moment he was born, the boy was explained what he must do to be a real man. Must be strong, not cry, be resilient, climb mountains, carry heavy bags, be able to stand up for yourself, be an intercessor and protector for your family, your younger brothers and sisters. And all this was done in order to prepare him for manhood. And having reached it, a man is primarily concerned with three questions: “Who is he? What does he do? How much does he earn?”

And until he solves these three questions, serious relationship with women will remain somewhere on the periphery. As soon as he begins to resolve these issues and feel that his dreams are coming true, the man seems to gain new life, filled with energy. This encourages and inspires him. It is the solution to these three questions that gives a man the feeling that he has taken place in this life. He is his full name, does this, earns so much, and this much should be enough to ensure a decent standard of living for his family and children. It is in men's DNA to be providers and protectors. In his male world, he is assessed by other men precisely based on these indicators. Who is he, what does he do and how much does he earn?

And one moment. A man does not necessarily have to earn a lot now, but he should see that his dreams, plans and intentions are already being realized. He has already decided the first two questions - who he is, what he does, and this gives him the opportunity to go where he wants to be, and the money will come along the way.

Three signs of male love.

Men's love is not like women's. A woman in love is ready to do anything for the sake of the one whom she recognized and chose as her man. Women's love stands the test of time, logic and circumstances. Men are simpler. If a man loves, he does three things:

Sign of male love No. 1: A MAN DECLARES.

Men are owners and if a man is in love, then the first thing he does is declares to everyone around me - this is mine. This is “my girl”, “my woman”, “my baby”. In other words, you will have a title - an official one, which goes far beyond “this is my friend” or “this is my name.” This title is a way to let everyone around you know that he is proud to be with you and that he has plans for you. He sees himself in a long-term and sincere relationship with you and declares it loudly because he takes it seriously. And this could be the start of something special.

A man who calls you his is also making it clear that he claims you - that you are his. . Now he notifies everyone about it. Any man who hears another man say "that's my woman" knows that all the games/tricks/plans/schemes he had for this pretty, sexy lady standing in front of him must be forgotten until he another unmarried woman will not be caught because another man has declared out loud that “this one is mine, and she is not available for what you have planned for her.” This is a signal that men recognize and respect as a universal code for “no trespassing.”

If you have been dating a man for three months and he still has not introduced you to his family or friends and introduces you simply by name, then most likely you are not part of his plans and he does not see you in his future.

If he introduces you as a girlfriend or simply calls you by name, rest assured that this is exactly what you are to him - nothing more than a girlfriend or a name. But as soon as he gives you a title - as soon as he lays claim to you in front of the people who mean something to him, be it his son, his sister or his boss - that's when you know your man is making a statement.

He declares his intentions towards you - and declares them to the people who need to know about it.

Sign of male love No. 2: A MAN PROVIDES.

As soon as a man has claimed his rights to you and you have responded in kind, he begins to earn his “bread and butter”. Simply put, a man who loves you will bring money into the house to ensure that you and the children have everything you need. Society has told men for thousands of years that our primary purpose is to support our families: no matter what happens, no matter how we feel, the people we love should not want for anything. This is the essence of a man's calling - to be a breadwinner and provider. It all comes down to this. If the ability to provide for loved ones financially or in any other way is in doubt, male pride suffers severely. The more a man is able to provide for his woman and his children, the more significant and fulfilling he feels. It sounds too simple, but that's the truth.

He will make sure that you have everything and that you lack for nothing. Because every pat on the back for bringing more money into the house, every kiss for giving money to buy groceries, every praise for keeping the house in order increases his importance as a man. That's why if he a real man, his responsibility to provide for his family will mean much more to him than meeting his own needs. Men like to spend their money, but this pales in comparison to the desire to provide for those they love, because all kinds of entertainment cannot make him straighten his shoulders the way it can praise from the lips of a beloved woman. Consequently, everything he does will boil down to trying to provide his beloved woman with everything she needs.

Moreover, a man can provide not only financially. Especially at first, if a man is truly passionate, then he becomes Mr. “I solve all problems.” He carefully makes sure that everything is fine with you, that you are happy and satisfied. A man will happily pay for you in a restaurant, buy movie tickets or make a pleasant surprise. Men really like to feel needed. By the way, don’t forget to rejoice enthusiastically and thank him when he does all this for you. Even in very early childhood, a boy tries to make his mother happy, then the same mechanism is transferred to his girlfriend and wife. It is very important for a man to know that you are happy.

If a man loves, he will provide everything he needs.

Sign male love №3: A MAN PROTECTS.

When a man loves you, anyone who says, does, offers you anything bad, or even even thinks of insulting you in any way risks being destroyed. Your man will sweep away everything in his path to make sure that everyone who treated you with disrespect pays for it. This is his nature. It can be said about any man on this planet: no one can insult his family without paying for it or, at least, without running into a serious fight.

This is what every man should do - and is willing to do - for the people he cares about. Once he expresses that he cares about you, you become a valuable asset to him, and he will do anything to protect his property. If he hears you arguing with the taxman, he will say: “Who are you with? Let me deal with him." If your ex is bothering you with calls, your man will put him in his place. If he sees that your children are getting out of hand, he will talk to them too. In other words, he will protect his family, because he knows that a real man is a protector. There is not a single real man who would not protect what belongs to him. Because we are talking about respect.

Moreover, defense is not only the use of brute physical force, loving man will not allow you to walk the dog alone late at night or hammer nails into the wall. He will save you, to the best of his ability, from all situations that he considers dangerous for you in one way or another.

Excerpt from Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.

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This video answers many “Why...?” And How...?" Why don't relationships work out? Why does he leave after the first night? How to understand his true attitude towards you? And many other interesting and very useful information on the topic of relationships and male psychology.

Excerpt from Anna Chernova's speech at the conference "Find and Accept Yourself 2.0"

Hello Maria!

I think that each of us expects that a loved one will take our side and protect us. But for some reason my husband does exactly the opposite. There may be several reasons:

1. Perhaps he has accumulated irritation and anger towards you, which he cannot express directly, but when an opportunity arises, he gladly joins your offenders.
2. Are you always “innocent”? Perhaps he just wants to be on the side of truth, and nothing personal. And you expect protection from him, no matter what.
3. Do you come to his defense when your voice is needed? If not, then it's probably mutual.
4. If this happens often, then this may be a symptom that in your relationship both of you are deeply dissatisfied with something and it’s time to change something.
But this can only be understood through your dialogue with your husband, asking him, without blaming, what is happening? What don't you like? Explaining what you expect from him (protection, etc.) and asking what he thinks about this. If your husband does not make contact, then it is possible to find out through a conversation with a psychologist who can give recommendations specifically for your family situation.

Sincerely,
psychologist Irina Shashkova

We have been together for 6 years. We have one child together, and my daughter is from my first marriage. This is to characterize the family) I have always respected and still respect my husband’s personal space, interests, I am interested in his hobbies.. I have always treated his friends well. Not once did I allow myself to say anything bad. I grew up in a family where dad respected mom, and mom respected dad, was his support and support, his dignity! , especially friends.
Recently it happened that his close friend at our wedding... hit me in the face. I’m not a stupid person, I tried to get away from the conflict, I simply disappeared, talked, calmed down...translated topics to avoid the conflict...since this is a friend of my loved one...and I didn’t want anything bad for anyone..I tried to convey to my husband that he tries to pinch you on the cheek, to slap you in the face. But my words were ignored, and in the end they accused me of this..... It was a year ago that the marriage was officially registered there, and to this day they asked me for forgiveness.. and another friend, after a while, insulted me in public and disrupted my daughter’s christening, where he had to, at his own request, be godfather...
The model of behavior taken from his father was revealed just recently and he has never been a protector of the family and his woman. I dreamed that it was important to me how to save my family. I love this person, I appreciate and know what he is capable of at times...was... I do not limit meetings with friends. I appreciate, respect, and even share his interests.
Belgorodsky is trying to talk to him, tell him how I feel from these moments. Not blaming me, but asking me to understand how painful it is, I’m scared... What if this is the attitude towards me, then they don’t respect him either... they don’t want to hear and understand me... he’s happy with everything... It’s scary that when choosing between friends and me - they will not choose me, they will not protect me, they will not help me...
I want to save the relationship. Because I love, I appreciate everything that we built this way for a long time... I don’t misbehave in everything, I didn’t spoil him... I put it where it was needed and vice versa, I understood his desires without limiting. How can I make him defend my honor and even more so his own...
I'm pretty, active and sociable... not a blue stocking, an interesting person... and not a knucklehead who watches her husband in fear of betrayal... Doing nothing else... a complex with legs.
How to reach? explain... So that they protect me and don’t look at me as painful, insulting... I don’t take over men’s responsibilities... without humiliating my libido, etc. They bat their eyelashes and eat with happiness that he has golden hands when he gets to do something... Although I can do a lot. He has the support and respect of his family. She put a lot of her energy into improving their relationship with the child from another marriage.
I don’t forget to remind him of his responsibilities as a man, a head, a person who must secure housing for his offspring at least...
Everything is falling apart terribly.. conversations do not bring understanding.. he says that he loves, he cannot live.. etc..
But..my powers are not endless... And I have pride.. what to do... what to do... is there a chance to change something... at a dead end

Vlada and Alexey have been together for five years, legally married for the third year, and for the third year they have been living with their mother-in-law - saving for an apartment.
This decision was not easy for Vlada at the time. Nevertheless, she decided to take the risk. Firstly, they are all well-mannered, intelligent people, and they probably won’t stoop to spitting in each other’s teapots. Secondly, the mother-in-law’s apartment is spacious, there is plenty of space, you won’t have to sit on each other’s heads, and therefore there shouldn’t be any special conflicts. Well, and most importantly, this is not forever. If they save a certain amount per month, after three years they will have a down payment and will be able to think about their own home.
It’s possible to endure for three years, especially when there is something for the sake of it. And renting an apartment, paying money month after month to nothing, is a dead end...

The young couple moved in with their mother, and at first they lived quite tolerably. The guys worked, came home only to spend the night, mom ran the house, didn’t interfere with the young family, and the savings went at a brisk pace. Vlada was only happy with how great they came up with, and sincerely did not understand who was making up these stupid stories about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. And then suddenly pregnancy happened. The young couple planned to have a child in principle, but a little later - first they wanted to resolve the issue of housing. But since this happened, we decided to give birth. My mother-in-law was the loudest advocate for this - they say, as long as we live together, I will help. This idea seemed logical. Vlada will give birth, sit with the baby for a while, and then start working, gradually leaving the baby to her grandmother, and they will get back on schedule. Three years will stretch, maybe 4-5, but it doesn’t matter. They will break through!

Only bad luck - since Vlada went on maternity leave, the relationship between the two women, which was quite good at first, for some reason began to deteriorate before our eyes. And the further it goes, the worse it gets. The child is now a little over a year old, and the house is hell and a nightmare.

The mother-in-law is impatiently waiting for her son to return from work, complains to him about his daughter-in-law and is sure that he simply must rein in “this impudent person.”
“The child is without socks, the window is open,” the mother lists the daughter-in-law’s sins. - And by the way, he was coughing all night today!.. He sits alone on the floor all day, and my mother shares her experience with us on the Internet... And what an experience! The child is one year old, he doesn’t speak and doesn’t know what a potty is! Where has this been seen... Our children at this age already ate themselves, recited poems, went to the toilet... Because we didn’t have the Internet... We are free from everything, I cook, the machine does the laundry, the vacuum cleaner cleans ... He won’t wash the cup after himself... And at the same time, not taking care of the child - well, that’s already a thing! Not at any gate!

Alexey absentmindedly listens to this entire stream and automatically nods his head. Vlada perceives her husband’s behavior as cowardice and betrayal. The husband does not see any problem in Vlada’s actions towards the baby, but does not want to quarrel with the mother. But he could have protected his wife. Say, don’t interfere, this is OUR family and OUR child. Well, at least, at worst, change the conversation to another topic, and not listen to all this nonsense. But he is silent, and the mother-in-law works herself up more and more, confident that her son listens to her carefully and supports her.

If only you had said that you didn’t want to listen to this! - Vlad cries later in his room. - Why does she think I’m a bad mother??? I do everything for my baby, read to him, play with him, walk every day, breastfed... tell her! Well, it’s impossible, all day with a child! Do I really not have the right to rest for half an hour when the child is busy or sleeping? And I cook... sometimes. And I always wash the dishes!..
- Oh, figure it out yourself! - Alexey brushes aside his wife’s complaints. - These are your women's affairs!.. I know that you are a good mother. But what do you want from me? So that I can also quarrel with my mother? Life will become completely unbearable. We are in her house, she does a lot for us. And he cooks, at least sometimes, and sits with the child. Then, she wants what’s best for her grandson, first of all. Well, don't pay attention!..

My husband categorically does not want to move to a rented apartment now. Rent prices have gone up, it’s very difficult to rent with a child, and you don’t want to drag your baby around other people’s bedbugs. Moreover, here the area is inhabited, and the clinic is wonderful, and the pediatrician at the site is simply a magician, she even treated Alyosha as a child. And the savings, with my mother’s help, are somehow going on, although not as quickly as I would like, but this is already good. After New Year's holidays Vlada plans to go to work, the child will be with his grandmother, so it’s impossible to move out now. It’s scary to take out a mortgage immediately; you still need to save up. Well, in the end, we endured so much - it’s stupid to be offended now and give up everything halfway.
Vlada understands all this, and in general agrees to be patient - but on the condition that Alexey tries to protect Vlada from criticism and attacks.

Should Alexey put his mother in her place? How can I support Vlad? Slam your fist on the table and resolutely say that this is my family - don’t interfere? Well, or at least not knock, but have a good conversation, make it clear that he will not allow his wife to be scolded?
Or consider mom’s point of view; after all, they are in her house?
Or is it no good for a man to sort out women’s conflicts? Let them reconcile themselves, and Alexey is right that he doesn’t interfere with all his might?
If moving out is not an option, what is the best option?
What do you think?

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon!

Please help me understand the situation that has been going on for 13 years. My husband and I dated for 2 years before marriage and our relationship was ideal, with my mother-in-law it was also good. Everything changed after the wedding, when everyone began to live together in the mother-in-law’s house. Especially after the birth of the child, she simply became wedged, she did not congratulate me even upon returning from the maternity hospital on the birth of my daughter and began to reproach me for being a bad mother and calling my daughter by the wrong name that I had christened. My husband did not take any part, sat silently, and did not take my side. To my reproaches in private he always answered: my mother is good! Of course she's good for him, but not for me. As a result, we moved into a rented apartment, but his mother simply hates me with all her heart. Now the situation has reached a dead end, because my husband’s brother has also joined my mother-in-law, she is turning everyone against me. I tried to talk to my husband that you are the head new family I have an obligation to protect my wife and family, say a word for me at least once and this will all stop. And so the situation grows like a snowball, because his relatives understand that he will never tell them or do anything. On my last visit, forced for my father-in-law’s birthday, the situation generally seemed absurd to me. Neither my mother-in-law, nor my husband’s brother, nor his wife said a word to me. My husband is on a flight, and I haven’t been visiting them lately without him. But it was inconvenient to refuse the BD and I didn’t want to upset my husband. I love him and want to save the family, but he doesn’t hear me and says that he doesn’t understand. Without going into details, I told him that this whole situation was having a bad effect on our relationship, his mother wanted me out of the family. He is silent again, saying that it is I who is opposed to everyone, that’s why it happens this way. What to do? I understand mom and dad are relatives - it’s easier to change a wife. Leave this family and him with his relatives because he will never be able to stand up for me? And he himself has been calling me lately and often breaks down into screaming or irritation for no reason. He was always kind and loving to me, I’m starting to think that he’s cheating on me, I can’t find the reason for his behavior, which conveys a lack of respect for me. More and more often he compares me to my mother, who is a very specific lady and we also have a difficult relationship. Help me figure out how to behave with my husband.

Psychologist Anzhelika Viktorovna Andrianova answers the question.

Hello, Ksenia.

The current family and kinship situation is divided into two opposite camps: on the one hand you, and on the other hand your husband’s relatives. The husband himself is in the middle, but his opinion depends on the majority. Consider this situation from the outside, how two opposite sides accuse each other of various sins, there is a confrontation between two sides, and you are a participant in one of the sides. Everyone pulls the blanket over themselves. Naturally, in this situation the strongest will win (which is what the mother-in-law does, involving her relatives). If you want to participate in this “family battle,” then you need to strengthen your position and find those who will be for you, that is, support you (I have others, not my husband). There is another position in this situation, when you give up and agree with your mother-in-law that you are “bad” and cannot be changed and let them accept you as you are, and reinforce your position with your husband and say that he loves you and what a great guy he is.

There is another option, when you simply break off all relations with these relatives, then it will become much more difficult for your husband to live between two opposites who ignore each other.

Such options lead to tension and collapse of either family or family relationships. .

It is possible to look at this situation from a different point of view. Ask yourself a question: why do you need such a situation when there are opposite sides fighting for influence over your husband.

If you are honest with yourself, you will receive many different answers, it is important to work with them, that is, to become aware of your actions, then you can change your life.