Didn't protect his wife. My husband never protected me. Psychologist Anzhelika Viktorovna Andrianova answers the question

Hello! Please help with advice or references to literature. I'm faced with a situation in which I don't know how to help. Please tell me, should a husband defend his wife if she is offended (by word or deed in his presence or without him), and the wife is not to blame? And how to react correctly in a Christian way, in order to bring the offender to reason and to support his wife? I myself think that I should, and if my husband doesn’t immediately know how to say it correctly, then I think, after all, it doesn’t matter, I should tell the offender somehow gently that after all, the offender is wrong. Help me please. Catherine.

Archpriest Mikhail Samokhin answers:

Hello, Ekaterina!

The Holy Scripture sees the relationship between Christ and the Church as an image of the relationship between husband and wife. The Lord laid down his soul for His Church, so a husband must be ready to defend his wife. From your letter it is not at all clear the situation in which such protection is necessary. Therefore, visit the nearest temple and personally consult with a priest who, having delved into the specific details, will be able to give you effective advice.

Sincerely, Archpriest Mikhail Samokhin.

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon!

Please help me understand the situation that has been going on for 13 years. My husband and I dated for 2 years before marriage and our relationship was ideal, with my mother-in-law it was also good. Everything changed after the wedding, when everyone began to live together in the mother-in-law’s house. Especially after the birth of the child, she simply became wedged, she did not congratulate me even upon returning from the maternity hospital on the birth of my daughter and began to reproach me for being a bad mother and calling my daughter by the wrong name that I had christened. My husband did not take any part, sat silently, and did not take my side. To my reproaches in private he always answered: my mother is good! Of course she's good for him, but not for me. As a result, we moved into a rented apartment, but his mother simply hates me with all her heart. Now the situation has reached a dead end, because my husband’s brother has also joined my mother-in-law, she is turning everyone against me. I tried to talk to my husband that you are the head new family I have an obligation to protect my wife and family, say a word for me at least once and this will all stop. And so the situation grows like a snowball, because his relatives understand that he will never tell them or do anything. On my last visit, forced for my father-in-law’s birthday, the situation generally seemed absurd to me. Neither my mother-in-law, nor my husband’s brother, nor his wife said a word to me. My husband is on a flight, and I haven’t been visiting them lately without him. But it was inconvenient to refuse the BD and I didn’t want to upset my husband. I love him and want to save the family, but he doesn’t hear me and says that he doesn’t understand. Without going into details, I told him that this whole situation was having a bad effect on our relationship, his mother wanted me out of the family. He is silent again, saying that it is I who is opposed to everyone, that’s why it happens this way. What to do? I understand mom and dad are relatives - it’s easier to change a wife. Leave this family and him with his relatives because he will never be able to stand up for me? And he himself has been calling me lately and often breaks down into screaming or irritation for no reason. He was always kind and loving to me, I’m starting to think that he’s cheating on me, I can’t find the reason for his behavior, which conveys a lack of respect for me. More and more often he compares me to my mother, who is a very specific lady and we also have a difficult relationship. Help me figure out how to behave with my husband.

Psychologist Anzhelika Viktorovna Andrianova answers the question.

Hello, Ksenia.

The current family and kinship situation is divided into two opposite camps: on the one hand you, and on the other hand your husband’s relatives. The husband himself is in the middle, but his opinion depends on the majority. Consider this situation from the outside, how two opposite sides accuse each other of various sins, there is a confrontation between two sides, and you are a participant in one of the sides. Everyone pulls the blanket over themselves. Naturally, in this situation the strongest will win (which is what the mother-in-law does, involving her relatives). If you want to participate in this “family battle,” then you need to strengthen your position and find those who will be for you, that is, support you (I have others, not my husband). There is another position in this situation, when you give up and agree with your mother-in-law that you are “bad” and cannot be changed and let them accept you as you are, and reinforce your position with your husband and say that he loves you and what a great guy he is.

There is another option, when you simply break off all relations with these relatives, then it will become much more difficult for your husband to live between two opposites who ignore each other.

Such options lead to tension and collapse of either family or family relationships. .

It is possible to look at this situation from a different point of view. Ask yourself a question: why do you need such a situation when there are opposite sides fighting for influence over your husband.

If you are honest with yourself, you will receive many different answers, it is important to work with them, that is, to become aware of your actions, then you can change your life.

From childhood, or rather from the moment he was born, the boy was explained what he must do to be a real man. Must be strong, not cry, be resilient, climb mountains, carry heavy bags, be able to stand up for yourself, be an intercessor and protector for your family, your younger brothers and sisters. And all this was done in order to prepare him for manhood. And having reached it, a man is primarily concerned with three questions: “Who is he? What does he do? How much does he earn?”

And until he solves these three questions, serious relationship with women will remain somewhere on the periphery. As soon as he begins to resolve these issues and feel that his dreams are coming true, the man seems to gain new life, filled with energy. This encourages and inspires him. It is the solution to these three questions that gives a man the feeling that he has taken place in this life. He is his full name, does this, earns so much, and this much should be enough to ensure a decent standard of living for his family and children. It is in men's DNA to be providers and protectors. In his male world, he is assessed by other men precisely based on these indicators. Who is he, what does he do and how much does he earn?

And one moment. A man does not necessarily have to earn a lot now, but he should see that his dreams, plans and intentions are already being realized. He has already decided the first two questions - who he is, what he does, and this gives him the opportunity to go where he wants to be, and the money will come along the way.

Three signs of male love.

Men's love is not like women's. A woman in love is ready to do anything for the sake of the one whom she recognized and chose as her man. Women's love stands the test of time, logic and circumstances. Men are simpler. If a man loves, he does three things:

Sign of male love No. 1: A MAN DECLARES.

Men are owners and if a man is in love, then the first thing he does is declares to everyone around me - this is mine. This is “my girl”, “my woman”, “my baby”. In other words, you will have a title - an official one, which goes far beyond “this is my friend” or “this is my name.” This title is a way to let everyone around you know that he is proud to be with you and that he has plans for you. He sees himself in a long-term and sincere relationship with you and declares it loudly because he takes it seriously. And this could be the start of something special.

A man who calls you his is also making it clear that he claims you - that you are his. . Now he notifies everyone about it. Any man who hears another man say "that's my woman" knows that all the games/tricks/plans/schemes he had for this pretty, sexy lady standing in front of him must be forgotten until he another unmarried woman will not be caught because another man has declared out loud that “this one is mine, and she is not available for what you have planned for her.” This is a signal that men recognize and respect as a universal code for “no trespassing.”

If you have been dating a man for three months and he still has not introduced you to his family or friends and introduces you simply by name, then most likely you are not part of his plans and he does not see you in his future.

If he introduces you as a girlfriend or simply calls you by name, rest assured that this is exactly what you are to him - nothing more than a girlfriend or a name. But as soon as he gives you a title - as soon as he lays claim to you in front of the people who mean something to him, be it his son, his sister or his boss - that's when you know your man is making a statement.

He declares his intentions towards you - and declares them to the people who need to know about it.

Sign of male love No. 2: A MAN PROVIDES.

As soon as a man has claimed his rights to you and you have responded in kind, he begins to earn his “bread and butter”. Simply put, a man who loves you will bring money into the house to ensure that you and the children have everything you need. Society has told men for thousands of years that our primary purpose is to support our families: no matter what happens, no matter how we feel, the people we love should not want for anything. This is the essence of a man's calling - to be a breadwinner and provider. It all comes down to this. If the ability to provide for loved ones financially or in any other way is in doubt, male pride suffers severely. The more a man is able to provide for his woman and his children, the more significant and fulfilling he feels. It sounds too simple, but that's the truth.

He will make sure that you have everything and that you lack for nothing. Because every pat on the back for bringing more money into the house, every kiss for giving money to buy groceries, every praise for keeping the house in order increases his importance as a man. That's why if he a real man, his responsibility to provide for his family will mean much more to him than meeting his own needs. Men like to spend their money, but this pales in comparison to the desire to provide for those they love, because all kinds of entertainment cannot make him straighten his shoulders the way it can praise from the lips of a beloved woman. Consequently, everything he does will boil down to trying to provide his beloved woman with everything she needs.

Moreover, a man can provide not only financially. Especially at first, if a man is truly passionate, then he becomes Mr. “I solve all problems.” He carefully makes sure that everything is fine with you, that you are happy and satisfied. A man will happily pay for you in a restaurant, buy movie tickets or make a pleasant surprise. Men really like to feel needed. By the way, don’t forget to rejoice enthusiastically and thank him when he does all this for you. Even in very early childhood, a boy tries to make his mother happy, then the same mechanism is transferred to his girlfriend and wife. It is very important for a man to know that you are happy.

If a man loves, he will provide everything he needs.

Sign male love №3: A MAN PROTECTS.

When a man loves you, anyone who says, does, offers you anything bad, or even even thinks of insulting you in any way risks being destroyed. Your man will sweep away everything in his path to make sure that everyone who treated you with disrespect pays for it. This is his nature. It can be said about any man on this planet: no one can insult his family without paying for it or, at least, without running into a serious fight.

This is what every man should do - and is willing to do - for the people he cares about. Once he expresses that he cares about you, you become a valuable asset to him, and he will do anything to protect his property. If he hears you arguing with the taxman, he will say: “Who are you with? Let me deal with him." If your ex is bothering you with calls, your man will put him in his place. If he sees that your children are getting out of hand, he will talk to them too. In other words, he will protect his family, because he knows that a real man is a protector. There is not a single real man who would not protect what belongs to him. Because we are talking about respect.

Moreover, defense is not only the use of brute physical force, loving man will not allow you to walk the dog alone late at night or hammer nails into the wall. He will save you, to the best of his ability, from all situations that he considers dangerous for you in one way or another.

Excerpt from Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.

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This video answers many “Why...?” And How...?" Why don't relationships work out? Why does he leave after the first night? How to understand his true attitude towards you? And many other interesting and very useful information on the topic of relationships and male psychology.

Excerpt from Anna Chernova's speech at the conference "Find and Accept Yourself 2.0"

“There should be no one closer than husband and wife”

On the role of mother-in-law and mother-in-law

In a previous conversation with Archpriest Vladimir Parkhomenko, we talked about what the hierarchy should be in a family and how not to raise a child to be an egoist. Today we will talk about such serious and often unshakable family members as mother-in-law and mother-in-law, about how they should act in relation to a young family and how the family should react to their intervention.

Limit interference

— Father Vladimir, in Russian folk tradition there are a lot of jokes associated with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law. And these jokes are sometimes quite bitter. We have to admit that when we get married, our mothers, for all their good intentions, sometimes have a destructive effect on our family. How should our dear parents behave so as not to harm us in marriage?

“The Bible says: let the husband separate from his mother and cleave to his wife.” Since we are talking about Christian family building, everything here should be very simple: the husband left his parents and clung to his wife. In the same way, a wife must cleave to her husband, become part of him, half of him.

As soon as the family was created, the ship went to sea. This is an independent unit. And what's the problem? The fact that not everyone immediately perceives it as such is well known from family psychology. As a rule, for at least three years, neither the wife's parents nor the husband's parents perceive them as a family. For them, he is still their Kolya, their Masha. And some Sasha stuck to her, and to Kolya - "This Lena is a fool" which " ruins his life...

A lot of different personalities are superimposed on this scheme. For example, the wife's mother may be overly active, and the husband's father may be too domineering. There are many options, but in each of them the task of both the husband and wife in a young family is to protect their own family, their ship that has just set out to sea from those ropes that parents are trying to throw on board in order to moor it.

— How to protect? You can't throw your parents overboard. And we love them, as a rule...

— Limit their interference. I’m not going to tell you all the ins and outs of my personal family experience, but I assure you - we are an ordinary family, we have nothing ideal. All the problems that everyone had, we experienced and went through on our own skin.

A husband must protect not only his wife, but his own family from his parents. When mom starts to pick on her brains - yes, she is like this, she is like that - wisdom is simply needed here. On the one hand, you need not to offend your own mother, on the other hand, you need to bury everything that she poured out on you. You don’t need to be a repeater, you need to be such a good “swamp” in which everything drowns. Because it will be extremely difficult for your own spouse to perceive criticism addressed to you, relayed by you.

Husband and wife are one. There should be no one closer and dearer. And if a husband begins to express to his wife a claim that his mother expresses to him, this is extremely offensive for the wife. She feels that she is losing protection, losing in him the one who, in principle, should protect her. The same is true vice versa. Therefore, this is the primary task of young people - to protect their family from outside influences.

Moreover, I will say that when we marry people, we always warn them that in family relationships There is such a law: as soon as you become husband and wife, you must not tell anyone anything at all about your family relationship. So mom asks: how’s it going? “Everything is fine mom, everything is fine...”

— But mom won’t give up so easily. She’s interested, she’ll start asking further questions.

- And you continue to lull her vigilance - “everything is fine mom, don’t worry...” All of this needs to be blocked. You cannot allow someone to get involved in your relationship, even under a plausible pretext - this is the law. If your parents, as well as numerous relatives, get used to this at the first stage, then they will stop bothering you altogether.

— It’s probably hard for moms to get used to it right away. It is difficult to part with a child. It may begin to seem that your own son, whom you raised for twenty years, is moving away from you. Or maybe he’s already fallen out of love altogether “because of this stupid Lena”...

“There should be no rivalry here, no selfish attachment.” You need to be able to let go of your son or daughter. So what if I raised you for twenty years? Now I've already grown it. Don't keep it to yourself all your life.

As for good relationships, if they were between mother and son or mother and daughter, if they were truly close people, then they will remain so even at a distance.

In general, the most reliable remedy against all problems is to resettle the young, as has always been the case. In Rus', young people were always resettled; they always immediately had their own housing. What was it like in Russian villages? They are preparing for the wedding - they are building a house for the newlyweds. Or, at the very least, some kind of outbuilding is added, or at worst, a separate room is allocated. Just a separate one that they wouldn’t go into.

You understand what separate living means for a young family. Therefore, if you don’t have your own separate housing, but there is the slightest opportunity to rent a house, this is very important in the first stages family life. And if this does not work out, then greater wisdom is simply needed here. It must be taken into account that living together will bring more difficulties into a joint relationship.

Don't drive into a corner

— You speak — no need to relay negativity. But it happens that the husband tries not to relay, but the wife still feels that his mother does not love her. She becomes offended and insults his mother in front of him. Then he becomes offended - this is his mother, he cannot tolerate insults towards her even from his beloved wife. How can we be here? Many people stumble over this tangle of contradictions and mutual grievances...

- This is already the wife’s mistake. It's very simple thing- in our life there are certain statuses, and the commandment "honor your father and mother" no one canceled. And the wife must understand that she cannot provoke her husband to violate this commandment. Because it is basically a religious thing and he will be forced to react to it.

And even if you have become a family, no one can cancel this commandment. Even if the parents died, no one cancels it, because then you should honor how? Pray for the repose of your parents. Therefore, no matter what kind of mother-in-law she is, the wife cannot provoke her husband. She understands perfectly well that there is, for example, a commandment - "Thou shalt not commit adultery." For a normal woman It wouldn’t even occur to you to provoke your husband to violate this commandment. It’s not possible here either. It's simple math.

At one time, Vladyka Evgeniy, rector of the Moscow Theological Academy, gave a good example. He said that you should never drive a person into a corner. Because if you drive a person into a corner, he has only one way out of this situation - to hit you in the forehead and move on. There are no other options...

— By the way, about the forehead. I know cases where they are quite calm loving husbands raised their hands against their wives for speaking incorrectly about their mothers. I don’t condone this in any way, but I understand that it’s out of powerlessness.

- Of course, what options remain? You put a person in a position in which he should not be put. This blunder, you can’t do that. We must repent and correct our life in this sense.

— Now half of the readers will think that we condone domestic violence...

- Nothing like this. The husband also needs to repent for not restraining himself. Everyone must repent for their own.

— And if the mother-in-law doesn’t like her daughter-in-law for some reason, should the daughter-in-law try to earn her sympathy? Should I try to please her?

“I don’t think there’s any need to deserve it specially.” The task of the daughter-in-law in this case is to be critical of herself and the claims expressed by her mother-in-law. If she does not see any real guilt in herself; if she is not insolent to her mother-in-law, if she is not rude, if, in a word, she “doesn’t like” the moral component in this, then there is no need to do anything.

Why might her husband’s mother not like a girl? The reasons can be the most seemingly funny. For example, I came across the following things: for example, my mother-in-law scolds her for being slow. The mother-in-law is fast, and she is slow. And now my mother-in-law begins to irritate her - "this chicken does everything slowly, crawls there..."

Here we see carnal relationships, this is pure physiology. That is, she doesn’t like her daughter-in-law not because she bad person. She doesn't like her qualities, there are some purely physiological characteristics. There is no need to play any role or try to remake yourself. There is no reason for change here. You just need to humbly, in a Christian manner, bear this cross, especially since it is not the heaviest. Well, I don't like it and I don't like it. Take this as a given.

It will pass with time, I assure you. Life is a marathon. A few years will pass and everything will change. The hardest thing is the initial period of family life, because a family is not perceived as a family.

— And if there is a moral component to the mother-in-law’s antipathy, should you try to change yourself?

- Yes, sure. If you see that you were harsh or behaved tactlessly, then correct yourself. But not for the sake of being liked, but in a Christian way. Strive for spiritual perfection and that’s it. Correct yourself not for your mother-in-law’s sake, but for your own sake. There is no need to do something special to yourself for the sake of someone. As Seraphim of Sarov said: save yourself and thousands around you will be saved. This is a rule for all time, for life.

Newspaper "Saratov Panorama" No. 44 (1023)

We have been together for 6 years. We have one child together, and my daughter is from my first marriage. This is to characterize the family) I have always respected and still respect my husband’s personal space, interests, I am interested in his hobbies.. I have always treated his friends well. Not once did I allow myself to say anything bad. I grew up in a family where dad respected mom, and mom respected dad, was his support and support, his dignity! , especially friends.
Recently it happened that his close friend at our wedding... hit me in the face. I’m not a stupid person, I tried to get away from the conflict, I simply disappeared, talked, calmed down...translated topics to avoid the conflict...since this is a friend of my loved one...and I didn’t want anything bad for anyone..I tried to convey to my husband that he tries to pinch you on the cheek, to slap you in the face. But my words were ignored, and in the end they accused me of this..... It was a year ago that the marriage was officially registered there, and to this day they asked me for forgiveness.. and another friend, after a while, insulted me in public and disrupted my daughter’s christening, where he had to, at his own request, be godfather...
The model of behavior taken from his father was revealed just recently and he has never been a protector of the family and his woman. I dreamed that it was important to me how to save my family. I love this person, I appreciate and know what he is capable of at times...was... I do not limit meetings with friends. I appreciate, respect, and even share his interests.
Belgorodsky is trying to talk to him, tell him how I feel from these moments. Not blaming me, but asking me to understand how painful it is, I’m scared... What if this is the attitude towards me, then they don’t respect him either... they don’t want to hear and understand me... he’s happy with everything... It’s scary that when choosing between friends and me - they will not choose me, they will not protect me, they will not help me...
I want to save the relationship. Because I love, I appreciate everything that we built this way for a long time... I don’t misbehave in everything, I didn’t spoil him... I put it where it was needed and vice versa, I understood his desires without limiting. How can I make him defend my honor and even more so his own...
I'm pretty, active and sociable... not a blue stocking, an interesting person... and not a knucklehead who watches her husband in fear of betrayal... Doing nothing else... a complex with legs.
How to reach? explain... So that they protect me and don’t look at me as painful, insulting... I don’t take over men’s responsibilities... without humiliating my libido, etc. They bat their eyelashes and eat with happiness that he has golden hands when he gets to do something... Although I can do a lot. He has the support and respect of his family. She put a lot of her energy into improving their relationship with the child from another marriage.
I don’t forget to remind him of his responsibilities as a man, a head, a person who must secure housing for his offspring at least...
Everything is falling apart terribly.. conversations do not bring understanding.. he says that he loves, he cannot live.. etc..
But..my powers are not endless... And I have pride.. what to do... what to do... is there a chance to change something... at a dead end