How to convince your husband that he is wrong? Start with yourself. How to convey your standards to a man? How to tell my husband that I'm tired
How often do you hear from your friends that they are not valued or heard by their husbands? “I carry the whole house on myself, cook, wash, clean, but he won’t lift a finger, and he litters and throws things around!” And how often do you yourself get annoyed that your man doesn’t hear you at all and doesn’t fulfill your requests? If so, then this article will be useful to you. In it you will find a working tool that allows you to convey to a man what you want.
How to communicate with a man so that he understands and hears
The whole problem is that you simply don’t give him the information correctly, and your communication turns out like in a silent movie - you don’t hear each other at all! You want to convey to him that you are tired, that it’s hard for you and you need his support and care. He, for the most part, hears something completely different - that he is a loser and a rag, that you are unlucky with him, that he is a slob and that you would be better off without him. And in the end, you go to another room and cry there, and he, slamming the door, leaves in search of a place that is comfortable for him, where no one bothers him. He can simply go to the garage or pub, cool off and return, or he can go to another woman and not return at all.
Absolutely every such quarrel is a big blow to the cup of your love and it is unknown how many more such blows she can endure!
Today I want to tell you how to communicate with a man so that he hears you. How to ask a man so that he fulfills your requests. How to “re-educate” him while maintaining love and harmony in the couple. I will describe to you two approaches that will help you make a man hear you.
How to communicate with a man: two steps to understanding
These two tools that I will give you work one hundred percent. Take them into service and test them for yourself at the first opportunity.
The first step is “Pause”.
At that very moment when you unbearably want to tell him everything that you think about him and throw some evil or malicious phrase at him, or, even worse, instructive (a man does not accept it when a woman teaches him, and he will definitely wants to refute it!), stop! Literally for a couple of seconds. And imagine that you have a huge sledgehammer in your hands, with which you are now going to hit your cup of love, breaking it into pieces.
Of course, if you want to destroy yours, then swing and hit the bowl with this sledgehammer, and perhaps this blow will be the last and the bowl will shatter into small pieces. Break it to pieces!
But, if you don't want to end the relationship, stop. As soon as an evil phrase wants to roll off your tongue, immediately remember the sledgehammer and pause.
Second step “Contrast shower”.
In order for a man to hear what you want to tell him, you should not say hurtful words to him and insult him. You just have to tell him how you FEEL. But only in the correct sequence, using, so to speak, the carrot and stick method.
1. Pause(2-3 seconds).
3. Your feelings. Tell him how you felt when he acted rudely (in your opinion). For example, a man walked in dirty shoes on a cleanly washed floor. Tell him: “I am so offended and hurt that you do not appreciate my work. I tried so hard, vacuuming and washing the floor, and you walk on it in dirty shoes.” Basically, tell him exactly how you feel. But no insults! Talk about yourself, about your feelings, and not about what a “bastard” and “goat” he is and something worse.
4. Briefing . Tell him specifically what he should do (or not do). For example: “Can you not walk around the apartment in shoes?” or “Can you do this when you shave, take off your socks, eat (and so on)?” Tell him specifically what you want from him!
5. Praise again. For example: “I love you very much and appreciate what you do for me. Every minute I am glad that I have you!”
I think you get the point. Start with praise and end with it! When you start with praise, be sure that the man will hear you right away! When you end with praise, there is no heavy aftertaste left and the mood is not spoiled. In between, talk about how you feel and what you want from him. First your feelings, then absolute specifics. A man does not understand hints and halftones and does not like to play guessing games. He understands simple, concrete things!
As a result, you will not waste a lot of your nerves, you will preserve your cup of love and the comfort and harmony in your relationship.
Hello.
I want to divorce my husband, but I don’t know how to present this to him so that he will let him go. And I don’t want to offend him, he’s still a good person.
We have lost interest in each other and don't spend any time together at all. I’m always guilty of something: I looked in the wrong direction, I hung the towel in the wrong place, etc. He himself goes for walks with friends almost every day, he doesn’t let me go anywhere, he doesn’t want to go anywhere with me. It feels like we've been in a hateful marriage for 30 years.
But the question may arise, why am I still with him since everything is so bad?) Because not everything is so bad. He good man, visionary, ambitious, caring. He treats me with kindness. I always believed that love is when, in your eyes, a person’s merits overshadow his shortcomings. In relation to him, at first it was like that. But not now.
I understand that in absolutely every aspect I would be better off without him. And in moral, and in physical, and in housing, and in financial. But I know that he won’t let go. And I don’t know how to convey this information to him. I tried to discuss it with him several times, to which he tearfully promised me that he would change. But empty words.
Already once after the conflict I tried to leave, but he did not let go. I understood the whole essence of the quote: “it’s hard to leave a person who doesn’t want it.”
How can I convey the idea of divorce to him?
If he doesn’t consider this option at all.
Tatyana, Ukraine, Kharkov, 25 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello Tatiana.
You do not Small child and not a suitcase. You can get up, walk out the door and file for divorce. And you will be scammed. No one can hold you or let you go except yourself. So stop shifting responsibility to your husband and take it upon yourself. It's you who don't leave. Why? What will leaving you without mutual consent deprive you of? What happens if you leave despite your spouse's clear reluctance to divorce? What do you have to lose? Are you ready to pay this price? Then go ahead! No? Stay, but don't pretend that your husband is holding you back. You do it yourself.
Sincerely, Babievskaya Elena Kirillovna.
Ah, this love... When we girls fall in love, it seems to us that he has finally been found - ideal man. Isn't this a state of happiness and joy? But time passes and quarrels begin. Yes, yes, and always - first for some little thing. Having been offended on the sly or having openly expressed your complaints, you soon forgive, but with the confidence that in the future it will be possible to correct this selfish guy and make him normal person. Months and years pass, you may even become husband and wife, you have children, but the number of quarrels and reasons for them is only growing. And many can no longer be easily ignored. Moreover, the confidence is growing that it is simply impossible to convince a husband that he is wrong and to correct a man. Or have you not lost such hope yet? If so, this article is just for you - a woman who seeks and finds answers to all, even the most complex, questions and tasks.
Where to look for the answer to the question of how to fix a man?
Is it possible in principle to convince your husband that he is wrong?
How should we approach all conflicts in the family? How not to quarrel?
If a wife tells everyone around her that she and her husband never quarrel, you shouldn’t envy her. We can say with 100% certainty that she is lying. And the more persistently she does this, the more suspicion there is that she is hiding something.
There are no families where there are no quarrels. There are no such husbands who would ideally do everything exactly as is correct, necessary and optimal. And absolutely every woman has a little insidious “worm” living inside her, which after every quarrel asks sacramental questions: “How to convince your husband? How to prove to your husband that he is wrong? How to correct this selfish guy?” When we convince others that we don't have it, we try to look better than we really are. But hushing up the problem, pretending to play to the public, does not solve the problem itself, so you shouldn’t do it. It’s better to make an effort and try to find the correct answer to the question “How to convince your husband that he is wrong?”
How to convince your husband? - hundreds of answers from experts
The problem of quarrels and conflicts between husband and wife is as old as the world. It’s not surprising that magazines and the Internet are simply full of advice on this matter. Various experts: psychologists, doctors, religious leaders recommend avoiding quarrels, listening to the other person, showing participation and tolerance, patience and understanding towards each other, and then everything will work out, life will work out, and the family will be happy. There are many techniques developed for resolving everyday conflicts, for example, everyone will live one day in the life of their spouse to understand how difficult it is for him. All of the above sounds, of course, beautiful, but, unfortunately, is completely inapplicable to real life. In theory, and even based on examples from other people’s lives, yes, everything works. But when it comes to one’s own problems and inconsistencies, life reaches its fatal point - conflicts always continue; there is no way to convince, change, or change a husband. Even if you sit for hours round table with a psychologist and talk, talk, talk...
Why can't I convince my husband? The answer, oddly enough, is very simple. Because it is impossible. I agree, it sounds like a sentence, but still this is exactly what it is: to remake a person, his inner desires, attitudes, stereotypes, to make him into a different person than he is it is forbidden!
Stop! Don’t stop reading this article - we are looking for answers to all questions and will definitely find them. But to begin the search, it is necessary to start from obvious facts, and not turn a blind eye to them. And the first such fact, although very unpleasant, is written above. There is a second, important fact: nature is intelligent and all couples that were created not by calculation, but by attraction are opposites, but those that complement each other. Like two puzzle pieces, they fit together perfectly. But, not being able to understand our difference, we demand - change, look at the world like I do. It is here that all conflict situations are buried, and not in changing or convincing the husband that he is right. This is what we need to figure out.
In order to understand our issues more deeply, it is necessary to rely not on our own judgments about people, but on scientific knowledge. The latest research on system-vector psychology will help us with this. They help to see that depending on a person’s vector set, not only his behavior and life scenario are formed, but also all his desires, environment, and so on. Moreover, not a single desire is repeated in different vectors, so often pairs are made up of real opposites, each of whose desires is unique in the other, and therefore not understood by him.
If you didn’t understand anything from the previous paragraph, it doesn’t matter. Let's put this whole thing into an allegory. For example, there is a wife - she has adored ice cream since childhood, and in general has a deep love for everything sweet. But her husband loves salty and bitter tastes, that is, beer and fish (we will not figure out what is healthy and what is harmful, and how this affects excess weight- ice cream and beer with fish are just an example for clarity; in their place there can be any conflict of interest: skiing or fishing, etc.). So, it so happened that she loves ice cream, and he loves beer with fish. Moreover, their tastes do not overlap at all. That is, she can’t stand beer with fish - it makes her really sick, and he hates ice cream. Their body is so complex, nature itself created their taste organs in this way. But at the same time, love arose between them and they got married. How do you think all her attempts with the best intentions will end to convince her husband not to drink beer, but to enjoy ice cream? Moreover, you can apply a wide variety of practices in this case. For example, she can take him to an ice cream festival, buy him his favorite ice cream and let him try it. Or you can watch some cool popular science film about how ice cream is made, how much milk and calcium it contains, as well as thousands of interviews with people who describe ice cream as their favorite treat. In addition, you can buy an ice cream maker for home and make ice cream with different flavors every morning. Or maybe just tie him to a chair and feed him ice cream until he, the fool, finally realizes that ice cream is delicious? It’s unlikely to convince your husband, is it? And the husband, too, will not be able to convince his wife that beer with fish is delicious. Of course, out of great love for the other, each of them can make an effort and pretend: he, grimacing to the side, still eats ice cream, and she drinks beer, which is terribly not to her taste. But is this love true and how long will it last? Moreover, in marriage, conflicts most often are not about ice cream at all, but about life values, the priority of family or career, about different views on life...
Our vectors, our desires are laid down in us at birth - nature cannot be changed. As we grow up, our personality is formed along with them. Just as our height, eye color and nose shape, taste preferences and, in general, our entire body cannot be changed, our psychotype cannot be changed either. If a person was born with an anal vector, he will never transform into a skin person. If a person does not have a visual vector, all visual measures will be alien to him. Don’t ask, don’t beg, don’t impose, don’t lament, don’t try to push him into your skin. It will not be possible to change your husband, because he cannot be changed. Where is the way out? Well, certainly not divorced!
How to convince your husband? - proven by life itself - it is impossible
It is clear that this ice cream and beer example is absurd, and no one will argue about it. But if you look closely, any conflict situation is built around exactly what we like (or what we consider correct) and which for some reason our chosen one looks at completely differently, from his own point of view. But I really want him to do exactly what is obvious to me. Hence the question: how to convince your husband that he is wrong? That is, it always turns out that I am necessarily right, and he is wrong. But from his side the situation looks similar, but in the opposite direction. For him, He himself is always right, and you are mistaken. And there’s no need to blame him - she’s the same person herself.
There are many examples that can be given, not with ice cream, but with real serious conflict situations that destroy families and ruin relationships between essentially good people. Here is the first couple, they have been together for 8 years. He is a representative of the skin vector - a wonderful entrepreneur, director of a plant, provides his family with everything necessary. She is an anal-visual woman - the mother of his children, caring, neat, loving wife. Every evening he comes home tired, and she starts nagging him: “All the days at work, even weekends and holidays, if only you could spend one day with the children, you know how hard it is. You won’t get any care from you.” And he answered her: “If I sit at home, who will earn money? When Dimka got sick, you didn’t want to call the state ambulance - only the best for the children, and this is the most expensive.” Every evening there is a quarrel in the house, she reproaches, he gets angry. And he comes home later and goes to work more and more. And she gets offended and cries into her pillow all night long, out of bitterness. unhappy life. Which one is wrong, which one is wrong? Of course, her friends take her side, and his friends support him. And reproaching the other, each of them justifies himself, because everyone has their own truth. In fact, he could afford to go to work on Saturdays and Sundays without running, the tea is not a courier, but a director - he just needs to find a smart assistant. But for her, the highest pleasure is raising children, and if her husband sat at home, he would rather prevent her from doing her favorite thing. But instead, he justifies himself, avoids her reproaches, and drowns himself at work. And she justifies herself, sits in bitter and long grievances. And everyone only thinks about how to change the other, how to prove to their husband that he is wrong. But love gradually fades away and at some point these two risk waking up with complete hatred and hostility towards each other.
Let's take another example. He is an anal-sound man, she is a skin-visual beauty. People with the anal vector are slow and reasonable, they do everything intelligently and efficiently, and this is how they approach life. The main thing for him is that when he comes home in the evening, his slippers are in their place, there is a clean tablecloth and a plate of delicious, hot borscht on the table. A closed and introverted sound person, he is not inclined to talk, but is more absorbed in his thoughts - he needs peace and the opportunity to think. And he, in turn, will always show concern, and he has golden hands - he will fix, do, and provide for everything. And she, of course, cooks him borscht and puts his slippers in their place, but two vectors - skin and vision - make her a completely opposite person. She is flighty and very emotional, she wants frequent changes of state, games, theater and no boredom. She wants to chat, tell her where she was today and what she saw, who she talked to and what she wore. And he is silent, and he is in himself. How can she convince her husband to show his emotions towards her? The answer is simple - through yourself. What would get her the most and make him angry? Of course, her betrayal. He will take it and start an affair on the side - so that he will be jealous, so that he will prove himself as a powerful man. For her, this is just an affair, a game - and maybe there was just a kiss and passionate emotions without carnal pleasures. But no matter how hard she tries, you can’t turn a man with anal and sound vectors into a skinner. Having learned about the betrayal, the anal sound artist will not be hysterical, throw scandals, or express her emotions, as she would like. An introvert will remain an introvert and will not express himself outwardly. But he will remember this betrayal for the rest of his life, he will reproach him at every opportunity, resentment and the desire for revenge can cut off their potential marriage.
In both examples, the man and woman are actually made for each other. Their problems, quarrels and conflicts began with initially incorrect questions: how to change, convince, remake your husband? To which there is no and cannot be an answer. The entire history of families since the beginning of time proves this, so why bang your forehead against a locked door?
How to convince your husband that he is wrong? Start with yourself
We all get tired of our worries sooner or later. Cooking, cleaning, children, and also work - it’s so easy to blame it on your husband. “He owes this and that, but I do everything perfectly for him,” we think in our hearts. It seems to all of us that I am a black sheep, and he is a man and should. And period! But with this approach you won’t be able to cook porridge and you won’t be able to create an ideal marriage. Therefore, it is best to strangle your egoism, throw away your great opinion of what and who owes me and think about yourself. Instead of the question: “how to convince a man that he is wrong?” It’s worth thinking about what I can actually do to avoid a conflict situation. We need to think not what to change in my husband, what properties of his should change to suit my needs, but what I can change in myself so that our family is exemplary and without quarrels.
Let's return to our couple, ice cream lovers and beer and fish aficionados. If you are looking for an answer to the question: how to convince, change your husband/wife?, there really is no answer here. What should they do?
Ice cream and beer are a simple example. Real life, of course, is much more complicated. And, of course, each of the readers can give an example from life that cannot be inserted into this story, because a quarrel, swearing between loved ones is actually very, very painful. But there is no other way out - only a thorough analysis of yourself first and foremost can lead to the right results. And if the shifts in positive side no - the problem must also be looked for in yourself.
The best approach in life, so as not to be painful and sad, is not to blame your husband, not to try to change him, but to make an effort on yourself. This is something that can actually be done! In each case, in each specific situation. Such soul-searching is greatly facilitated by the online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. On it you can understand yourself, understand your vectors, draw up your psychological portrait, and understand the reason for your desires and actions. Introductory lectures are free and everyone is guaranteed to recognize themselves. You can sign up for them using this link or by clicking on the banner.
Leave your e-mail in the form below and we will definitely include you in our newsletter: each issue contains a lot of applied information on system-vector psychology.
Tell your friends about this article. Because 9 out of 10 women do this fatal error . A mistake costs . As they say, start with yourself and pass on bright thoughts to those around you.
As we remember from my earlier articles, the man is not a psychic. That is why it is necessary to convey to a man your thoughts, desires, and requests.
But what if yours? He has strengths and weaknesses. And that's okay.
For example, my things are always scattered, my desk is always a mess. Where he undressed, that’s where the clothes lie. This is my weak point.
How can I properly reprimand? Because I suspect you're tired of jumping over my shoes on the way to the toilet at night.
For a long time now you have been asking me to take off my shoes not in the middle of the corridor, but I automatically do the same regularly.
Can you imagine, I even heard a terrible story from a woman about her husband who pulled his socks over the arms of the rocking chair like condoms. The man is an adult, and he was not kidding. He just had such a “weak side”.
How to reprimand a man, how to correct something in him that “doesn’t fit into any corner,” how to make sure that your Knight hears you and doesn’t pretend to be.
What did your mother do in such cases?
What do your girlfriends do in such cases?
What is shown in films and TV series on this topic?
I dare to suspect that you are behaving close to the answers above. And if I’m wrong, feel free to write it in the comments under the article right now!
- Method Classic (Fashionable)
How many times do I have to tell you, don’t let your socks fall...
I'm tired of you not hearing me...
Why do you need to be reminded ten times of the same thing...
Sound familiar? Or Very familiar?
Never! Never! This method will never work. But why is it used by 98% of the Russian-speaking female population? Out of habit. Because everyone does it.
The method not only doesn't work. He burns out your relationship with a man.
What's the result? The woman turns into a saw. Who gets what she wants from a man every seven times. And happiness... Where is happiness?
- The Real Woman Method
There is a legend that girls who have this technique are the happiest, and their men are strong and successful. Be sure to check this out and then tell me how true it is.
You make a childishly sad face (not stern, not capricious), so that the man cannot help but ask: “What happened, dear?”
The woman answers in a soft, even voice: “Well, honey, I’m angry with myself... I’ve been asking you to take the carpet to the dry cleaner for two weeks now, and you’re busy with me. You still can’t fulfill the request. So I’m angry with myself that I don’t feel good with the dirty carpet in my apartment.”
The man now understands that the cost of an unfulfilled request/obligation is equal to the misfortune of his woman. And unlike the “Fashionable” method, a woman’s behavior does not cause a state of rivalry.
On the contrary, it shows its weakness, thereby causing in a man an instinctive state of strength, a desire to protect and care for a woman.
Eh! As I write, a tear comes out. Honestly. It's so simple. I don’t even dream that this will be taught at school or in universities.
So thank you for reading my humble . And see you in the next articles.
Don't forget to write your thoughts in the comments below, it will be appreciated.
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Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I want to understand how my husband treats me, and what should I do about his behavior? We've been together for 4 years. Our relationship has always been difficult. But there is love, there are common goals, there are no quarrels on everyday grounds. But, unfortunately, my husband turned out to be a homebody, and we don’t really go out with him. He only goes to see his friends once every 2 weeks to drink beer and talk. And his get-togethers are the biggest problem in our relationship. I used to be jealous of him, but now I’m more relaxed about it. But it irritates me wildly that my husband says one time to return home, but in the end the meeting drags on for another 2-3 hours longer, or even the husband disappears for half a day. He doesn’t pick up the phone when he’s already “late” for home. And if I do get through, he starts talking nonsense! The feeling creeps in that at such moments I don’t exist for him! No matter how much I talked to him about his get-togethers, it was useless, he just wanted everything to come to naught, and next weekend he would be back with friends. I cannot convey to him that it doesn’t matter to me that he will be delayed, it is important for me that he does not deceive me, that he understands that somewhere there, at home, there is a wife and she is worried, and this situation is unpleasant for her. What if he’s delayed, at least let him call or send a message so that I don’t worry (there were cases where I was looking for adventure while drunk). And secondly, if he stays late, it means he drinks more, and then comes home not in good spirits. at its best, and this makes me disgusted with it (I don’t drink myself). Those. the person does not think at all about me, about the fact that he lied, deceived, the main thing is that he is currently enjoying himself and does not care about the consequences, but as for me, this hits our relationship. I don’t know how to convey that I feel disrespect on his part, while, in turn, my husband does not tolerate any disrespect or deception in his direction and strictly suppresses it. In general, I’m tired, I don’t know what to do, every time I live with a person in perfect harmony, and then every two weeks I see how his heels sparkle, and then another deception... This is terribly annoying, and I already want to fall into the ground , and sometimes, not knowing this person.
Psychologist Svetlana Viktorovna Bashtynskaya answers the question.
Dinara, hello!
You are angry at your husband, that he is avoiding resolving the issue, that he is simply acting in his own interests, without paying attention to you. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you how your husband treats you. Only he knows this, and he can answer this question for you.
As I understand, you have different interests - you would like to go somewhere, take a walk, go to events, but he prefers another vacation, which is incomprehensible and unpleasant to you. And what hurts you most is his deception. You write that you have talked many times about these delays and lies. Here you haven't described how this happens. Perhaps in these conversations you switch to the role of a parent who reprimands the offending child. And then your husband cannot perceive the information in any other way except to nod, agree and do it his way. You tried to tell him about your feelings and experiences, first of all. About how scared you are when he disappears, how painful it is to understand that he is deceiving. How you would like to spend time together, how unpleasant it is for you to see him in a state of severe intoxication. Without slipping into accusations and claims. It is important to talk openly and hear his vision of the situation. After all, you cannot solve this situation yourself; the participation of your partner, your husband, is necessary. Only after you understand what happens to him in such situations, what happens to you, what feelings arise (anger, pain, shame), to whom, it will be more clear whether other ways of interaction are possible in your relationship. Is there a desire to change something on both sides? It is possible that you lack this open communication, it is possible that everyone will remain in their own opinion and will not be ready to act differently. And all this is possible only in the process of interaction with each other, and with ourselves.