"mom, I'm already an adult," or parental overprotection. System-vector psychology. Overprotection of parents Overprotection of adult children

Every mother worries about her child. But quite often, this anxiety develops into an obsessive guardianship that interferes with normal development. Most of all, this problem concerns the mothers of boys, since little men must grow up and become independent, responsible and purposeful individuals. Moms, showing excessive guardianship, performing all the elementary tasks for their sons and controlling their every step, deprive their children of the opportunity to become full-fledged individuals who in adulthood could take care of themselves and their families, as a real man should.

How does overprotection affect the formation of character traits?

Taking care of a child, a woman not only drives him into a rigid framework and does not allow him to develop comprehensively, but also deprives herself of the opportunity to live a full life, enjoy all its colors, and enjoy the achievements of her own son. Mother-hen mothers, because of their boundless love and devotion to their own child, in most cases simply do not understand that by such behavior and treatment of their sons they are doing them a disservice, not allowing them to find themselves and their place in this life.

The children of such mothers often grow up as notorious, irresponsible, helpless people, who then rush about all their lives in search of their vocation, they are constantly tormented by the need to choose between “necessary” and “want”, because they have not learned to combine the useful with the pleasant. "Mom's sons" often cannot decide on the choice of a life partner, they always doubt the correctness of their decisions, avoid responsibility and very often shift their problems and concerns to other people.

How to build a relationship with a child?

No wonder they say that the lazier mom, the more independent child she has. Doing all the work for the boy, the mother does not give him the opportunity to learn something himself.

One of the common mistakes mothers make is to criticize the unsatisfactory behavior of the child at a time when when it is necessary not to criticize, but to direct on the right path that is, to explain how to act in a given situation. This will allow the child to understand that he is expected to be independent, help and understanding, and not just scolded for his bad behavior. You can’t scold a child for the mess and scattered toys in his room, and then take the vacuum cleaner yourself and clean up. The right decision would be if, after expressing your dissatisfaction, calmly ask the child to clean the nursery himself. And it doesn’t matter at all if it doesn’t work out perfectly or not the way you wanted it, the next time it will still be better. Cleaning up after himself, the child begins to realize that he is obliged to do this, that this is also work and must be respected. After such a lesson, he is unlikely to want to scatter toys around the room again.

When the boy reaches a more conscious age, he will begin to notice some differences between himself and independent peers. He will be embarrassed by many little things that his friends deal with with incredible ease, and for him this is a whole science. This circumstance will greatly distinguish him from other children, and the boy will feel inferior.

Adult problems come from childhood

All adult life is literally built on risks. Adult independent people daily make a large number of decisions on which their lives depend. Solving any problems, we all take risks, but most of us are confident in a favorable outcome of the situation. Men who were overprotected in childhood are often unable to make serious decisions, to be responsible not only for their loved ones, but also for themselves. It is quite difficult for them to decide on a profession, because they will always face a dilemma - money or pleasure. Dearly beloved sons, even in adulthood, shift all their worries, and even the upbringing of their children, to their mothers, who take an active part in their personal lives and beyond. With excessive guardianship and care, the hen mothers live the life of their child, although they should enjoy their own. By depriving themselves of their personal lives, such mothers deprive their children of the opportunity to become happy.

The main complexes of overprotective children

The biggest complex in overprotective boys is low self-esteem and self-doubt. These qualities do not make it possible to grow in the moral sense, develop, become a person, an individual. To avoid such participation of your sons, you should not “cut off their oxygen” and drive them into a rigid framework. Give them more freedom, communicate with them like adults. And be sure that they understand you perfectly.

READ ALSO: How not to raise a sissy boy

Sissy

The birth of a baby radically changes the psychology of a woman and her lifestyle. At first, mother's overprotection is the norm and is predetermined by nature. A young mother must respond to every squeak of a baby so that he survives in an unfamiliar and dangerous world. However, the child grows and requires independence, and some women “get stuck” at the stage of complete merging with their own little man and do not want to let him go.

Causes of maternal overprotection

Excessive care must be distinguished from unconditional love, which does not interfere with the growth of the child and wisely frees him space for development. An overprotective mother has a main distinguishing feature- it is inherently selfish and little oriented towards the needs of another person.

There are several main reasons why a mother begins to “strangle with care” a child:

1. Own non-realization. Lack of recognition in the profession and exciting hobbies makes life empty and meaningless. Devoting herself to overprotection, the mother feels her importance and holds on to this feeling.
2. Emotional dissatisfaction. If the mother does not have a man or communication with him does not bring joy, for example, he needs it regularly, she finds the only consolation in the baby and puts all her unspent tenderness into him.
3. Pathological anxiety. Complicated pregnancy, the poor health of the baby or the peculiarities of the psyche of a woman lead to the fact that she cannot calmly enjoy motherhood. It constantly seems to her that something terrible is about to happen, and therefore she does not relax control for a minute.

The described situations are not uncommon today, therefore, psychologists often meet with overprotection and its consequences. Sometimes with problems taken from childhood, adults turn to us. Often, even at this age, they continue to suffer from the obsessive care of the mother.

How does overprotection affect children?

Normally, teenagers rebel against total control and unceremonious meddling in their affairs. But if a boy or girl has a weak type nervous system and subtle mental organization, they do not dare to hurt their mother and abruptly stop her intrusion into the zone of their personal space. However, discontent does not disappear anywhere, and suppressed negative emotions have a toxic effect on the body.

It is possible that in a few years the youngest member of the family will go to or end up in the hospital with a psychosomatic disorder due to overprotection. Having matured, such people do not find a place for themselves in the world, it is difficult for them to get a job they like, to fit into the team. Their life revolves around the mother and her orders. They do not know how to think with their own heads and correctly understand their own feelings and desires.

Mother's overprotection forms infantile adults. They forever remain helpless children in their behavior and perception of themselves. The child intuitively turns into the one whom parents want to see in him. He continues to suffer in adulthood, intuitively feeling that he is not going his own way. Therefore, thinking parents should step aside in time and give the child the opportunity to become themselves, and not the embodiment of their unfulfilled ideals.

2968

Hyper-custody over a child: causes, consequences, advice to parents. What is overprotectiveness. What causes it and what are the consequences. What to do for children. Tips for parents.

Taking care of children is normal behavior on the part of parents. But more and more often there are situations when parents, for one reason or another, take too much care of their children. Not giving them freedom and independence in making this or that decision. The other side of the coin is also dangerous - the lack of attention from the older generation. One way or another, neither overprotection nor its absence is desirable for children. You can learn about how parents not to go too far from the material of the article.

What is overprotectiveness

• Some parents cross the line in raising and caring for children. By exercising excessive care, they themselves do not understand that they are disrupting the natural process of the child's development and blocking his opportunity to gain experience. Signs that overprotection may interfere with the growth and development of children can include the following indicators:
• There are times when parents try to stand up for their children, literally depriving them of the opportunity to learn to stand up for themselves on their own. So, when coming to school to talk with the offender, parents do not think about the future reputation of the child in the form of a "mama's boy" and the like, which may further negatively affect the overall formation of development.
• This picture is often seen. If the child has fallen, then parents or grandparents, instead of actually helping the child, often try to smooth out the conflict by encouraging them in the form of sweets and toys. In this case, the child may develop social dependence and too high a level of self-esteem, and with the help of such tricks, he may try to manipulate adults in his favor.
• Often there is such a picture that a child who has already reached a fairly adult level cannot even be in different rooms with his parents. Parents control every step of the child, not realizing that they are ruining his psychological development.
• Another mistake of parents is the restriction of the child. Children are quite freedom-loving creatures and any restriction does not leave the best imprint on their psyche. Often such children grow up as rebels and representatives of a certain culture, as if in protest against restrictions and social norms.
• The carrot-and-stick method of raising children is only useful when used in the right way. When there is a totalitarian control of the mother over the daughter, and the father over the son, any exit for family traditions, which are established by such parents, leads the child to sometimes cruel punishment.
• Often, parents focus their child's attention on only one area of ​​life. Job search, study, and so on. And if the child does not correspond to their fictitious ideals or is below the level of the children of family friends, then the parents begin to psychologically put pressure on the child, and in turn, perfectionism develops over time, which interferes with the overall formation of the child's personality.

Why does overprotection appear?

Hyper-custody does not appear out of nowhere. The reasons can be a variety of factors, but knowing some of them can identify the pattern in time and prevent Negative influence behavior of such parents on the life of the child.

One of the most common reasons is the unwillingness of parents to be left alone. In other words, than older child, the more parents are afraid that he will leave them. Studies show that the fear of loneliness in old age haunts a greater number of older parents.

Some parents are too overbearing. They are not able to trust their child, and, as a result, they themselves can slow down the process of his general development. For example, not letting one go to school, not allowing certain things to be done without logical reasons, and so on.

Often behind the total control of parents over their children lies the banal desire of parents to assert themselves at the expense of their child. For example, too high demands on the child, misunderstanding, disbelief in his strength, all this may indicate an attempt of psychological control on the part of the adult generation and unwillingness to accept the child as he is.

Sometimes cause overprotection becomes the jealousy of parents and unwillingness to let the child go into adulthood. Such behavior is often found when parents do not accept the second half of their child, considering the union not strong enough, immoral, and so on.

Consequences of overprotection

If parents still do not want to let their adult children go away from them, they risk ruining their child's life. Such overprotection can affect the child in the following ways:

What to do for children

Children who understand that overprotection in the family has been or is present can act as follows:

1. Children can put up with such a condition of existence, but when their parents are gone, their way of life will be completely disrupted, and for them a strange world and independent life can become a real tragedy.
2. Often children rebel against their parents and established norms, which in this case can also be taken as normal behavior.
3. Sometimes adult children choose middle method between the first and second. They simply do not tell their parents about their plans, but act on their own, overcoming their fears and going beyond the usual limits of comfort. This method is the most convenient and will allow parents to understand without scandal that the child is no longer a child, but an adult and mature person with their own values ​​and beliefs.

In any case, it is worth remembering that in the custody of children you need to be able to find a golden mean, otherwise there is a risk of ruining life not only for yourself, but also for your child.

It would seem that there is nothing better than the care of mom and dad, except for them, no one in the world can be closer and more expensive. But it turns out that parental love is sometimes very much and even excessive. It interferes with living a fulfilling life, sometimes causing a depressing feeling of guilt and regret.

There are a lot of reasons for parental overprotection:

1. Lack of attention in childhood. Not having received full parental attention in childhood, many grow up with a lack of love and care. The instinct of parental care fails, and hence the constant control and guardianship of their children, the desire to give them as much love as possible.

2. Non-realization. It is very difficult to realize that what you once dreamed about in your youth did not come true and remained behind the curtain of the past. There is only one way out of this situation - to insist and force your children to realize their dream. Leading along the path of achieving what you want and instructing at the same time is the goal of life, according to parents. Only they can give valuable advice to their child, so the constant suggestion: “You are still so stupid, but your parents know how to do it” will accompany you all your life.

3. Guilt before the child. Life is sometimes so unpredictable that, due to some circumstances, a mother could feel negative towards her baby, maybe even not yet born. The constant feeling of guilt on a subconscious level pushes her to a special manifestation of love and tenderness. Hyper-custody becomes a companion for many years, now no one can accuse her of being a bad parent.

4. The need for constant attention and recognition. That's who really poses a threat to the psychological comfort of their children: ambitious and domineering parents, striving to raise a genius no matter what. Every step and movement, word and action is controlled especially carefully. Basically, such guardianship is in the nature of a demonstration and window dressing for others.

5. Fear of loneliness. This is a common problem in single parent, single child families. A mother who has devoted her whole life to raising a child is very afraid to break this connection. When a son or daughter grows up, she begins to feel panic attacks of loneliness and abandonment, Mom no longer has such influence and authority, and in fact the child no longer needs her. This provokes her to take extreme measures, she is ready to do anything to stay in the child's life: tantrums, lectures, scandals, resentment - all in order for the child to remain under her control and guardianship.

Consequences of overprotective parenting

It is not necessary that the victim of parental overprotection will remain unhappy for life. Many take this quite calmly, create their own families and do not experience any difficulties in communication.

But these are few victims of parental love. Most of the grown-up children are daily subjected to emotional pressure from their parents. The consequences of such care and attention are sad:

Lack of autonomy and decision making;

Because of the fear of repeating the situation (projection of mother's behavior onto wife)

Constant dependence on someone else's opinion;

Lack of adaptation to life changes;

Lack of self-esteem and a statement.

How to get rid of overprotective parents?

How to start new life and not offend dear parents? Undoubtedly, all their care and attention comes from pure heart. Sometimes they do not even notice that they are taking care of their children too intrusively and immensely.

1. One way to get out of parental custody is to have an open and honest conversation. Without shouting, mutual claims and scandals. Perhaps the parents themselves do not suspect how much they take care of their already adult child and interfere in his personal life and space. The conversation will help to define the limits of permissibility in caring.

2. Openness to parents is another step towards getting rid of guardianship. It is quite understandable that parents ask so many questions only because they do not know at all what and how their adult child lives. It is not necessary to inform all the little things of your personal life, it is enough to give a little information about your plans for the future and tell what is happening in life today.

3. Replay the history of relationships and exercise control over the parents themselves. Start calling yourself to find out about plans and mood, be more interested in business and well-being - “prevent” sudden questions, calls and visits.

4. Inform about trips, business trips or just long walks. Parents will be calm. It is quite possible that the information that the children will give in doses about their lives will be enough for them.

5. Employment and financial independence will define a certain boundary between parents and children. Successes and achievements at work will help parents come to terms with the idea that the child is an adult and does not need constant care.

6. Moving to another area or even a city will not leave a chance for parents to patronize and load with their love. To avoid hourly telephone instructions, arrange a time to communicate with parents in advance.

Leaving or separating from your beloved parents does not mean abandoning them. Parents will always be mentors, teachers, doctors, even if their child is well over 30. Most often, their excessive love and care manifest themselves completely unconsciously. Or maybe someone will conclude: as long as the parents are alive and take care of us as best they can, then this is happiness.

Dad and mom are the closest people in most people's lives. However, at some point, parents and their child must move away from each other, no matter how difficult it may be. Often, adults who, even in adulthood, live under the close supervision of the older generation, experience all the hardships of their love and excessive guardianship, but cannot refuse it in any way, fearing to offend their mother or father. How to establish healthy boundaries in communication with parents, so as not to suffer from increased attention and at the same time maintain a good relationship with them, the site advises.

Many people do not know how to get rid of overprotective parents

In recent decades, the tendency to move out of the parental home at the onset of adulthood has become increasingly common. However, many young people continue to live with their parents even at the age of 20 or even 30, which is why they often experience discomfort. If you "got" overprotective parents, you know firsthand what it means to account for each late return home or, for example, for your own way of managing a personal budget. Not to mention personal life ... At best, you will get off with reports of what was eaten for dinner and whether a hat was worn.

The fact that mom and dad want to protect their child, albeit completely independent, from all sorts of troubles and hardships is normal.

However, control that goes beyond any limits, the imposition of one's opinion and the rules of life will not please any sane person. Such relationships between adult children and their parents cannot be called normal, and in order to correct them, it is necessary to take quite radical measures. Readers of our forum have been discussing for years how to gain independence from their parents, but at the same time maintain warm and friendly relations with them.

Someone prefers to resolutely “bud off” from the representatives of the older generation and fill their own bumps, while it seems more correct for someone to accept the rules of the game of mom and dad so as not to upset them and not make them worry.

It is often difficult for adult children to separate from their mother and father.

Recently, one of the readers of our forum created a thread in order to ask users how to push their own mother to move out of her apartment. In her message, the girl said that their living together brings her psychological and everyday discomfort, but she has already broken her head in an attempt to find the right words and ask her parent to find another place to live.

The author's father cheated on her mother, who, learning from this, went to live with her daughter. For three months now, the parent has been pestering the girl with claims: you can’t get up early, because she wakes her up, don’t eat up either, and there can be no question of planning the purchase of groceries on your own.

In addition, the mother of our reader in an orderly tone tells her to go home after work and not linger anywhere. Single topic- comparison of daughter with married heirs of girlfriends...

The apartment was bought by the girl's father, who, by the way, comes home literally a day later to ask for forgiveness from his wife. Every communication between the author's mom and dad ends in a scandal, the same thing happens when the daughter hints to the parent that she should find another place to live. The reader is completely at a loss and incomprehension of what to do next, and therefore spoke about her problem on the forum.

old legend

As the psychotherapist Aina Gromova notes, this situation is typical for Russian families. “In the mentality of Russians and residents of the countries of the post-Soviet space, in principle, there is no such thing as “healthy borders.” The way of too close interpenetration into each other's intimate space flourishes and is passed down from generation to generation. With all significant people, it is customary to build relationships on the principle of merger. But the norm is mutual respect and understanding that two (!) separate people live side by side,” our expert believes.

Codependency between parents and children is widespread in our country.

Most of the readers of our forum are sure that the author of the post urgently needs to dot the i in relations with her mother and make it clear that she is an adult who does not need instructions on how to live. If this fails, it is necessary to insist that the parent move out, no matter how difficult it may be to do so.

“She is manipulating you. Speak directly: it was their choice - to give birth to you, their choice - to buy you an apartment. But let them deal with their problems on their own - you have your own, completely independent life. Talk to her directly and ask her to move. Don't let a woman who doesn't respect you rule your life," one commenter advises.

However, there are those who believe that the desire to put a mother out of the door, who recently experienced her husband's betrayal, is inhumane.

Many advise our readers to endure all the discomfort that living together with her mother brings to her in order to support her and become a real support.

“In a difficult situation, your mother counted on the help of the closest person - her own daughter, what is strange? She raised you, raised you, solved your problems, and you told her: "Get out, figure it out yourself." After all, no one owes anything to anyone, right? one of the readers shamed the author. Many also point out to the girl who came up with the problem that she did not buy the apartment herself, and therefore she is obliged to indulge the whims of her parents and, at the first request, allow them to use their housing as they want.

Our reader does not know how to build boundaries in communication with her mother

Among the comments are practical advice about how to resolve the conflict with “little blood” - that is, move out to her father for a while so that the woman is left alone and bored ... Perhaps this is how she will begin to react differently to her husband and go towards him in his attempts to reconcile.

What is the reason

Aina Gromova believes that the problem of overprotection and violation of personal boundaries always begins in childhood. “When a child is born, his parents already create a certain “program” for him - they know how he should grow up, how he should think. Of course, in some ways they are right, because it is the task of mom and dad to fill the child with knowledge, skills, values. However, often they go too far, they begin to educate their child with distortion, broadcasting their tasks absolutely without any boundaries, without understanding that this is a different person, that he is not their property.

The psychotherapist is sure that in the post-Soviet space, most people do not have the habit of respecting someone else's personal space - not only territorial, but also the choice and responsibility for it of another person.

As a result, the child often becomes a hostage to the attitudes of the parents, which he cannot get rid of, even as an adult.

It is important for children to show their parents in time that they have already grown up.

Such a person does not have his own opinions and values, but has a strong conviction that he "owes" his parents, simply because they gave birth to and raised him. Such a merger eventually leads to constant conflicts. From birth, a codependent child learns to build relationships with all significant people on the principle of mutual penetration into an intimate space and the absence of boundaries. And either he himself will “strangle” those close to him with his control, or he will “suffocate”, being under hyper-guardianship.

How to be further?

According to psychotherapist Aina Gromova, in families where parents overprotect their adult children, there have never been interpersonal boundaries. This situation also happened in the family of the girl who wrote on our forum. “Her mom and dad did not live very well, and everything came to a logical outcome. Mom decided to move in with her daughter, not realizing that she has the right to her own life,” says Aina Gromova.

Therefore, our heroine found herself in a situation where her mother tells her how to live, not understanding her separate, free will, not seeing the difference between her desires and the desires of her daughter.

First of all, the author of the post, like all people suffering from parental overprotection, needs to recognize co-dependence in relations with them and begin to destroy it, giving preference to their desires and not being led by the parent.

At the same time, it is important not to allow parents to manipulate themselves - it is necessary to clearly insist on their position and voice their own thoughts and requests in terms of further interaction and conflict resolution. Only in this way can you build boundaries between yourself and a suffocatingly caring mother and maintain a warm and trusting relationship with her.