My husband is teaching me. How to teach your husband to love you your way. Be happy in marriage
Many people are afraid to say what they want. And that's why they don't get it. Madonna
Have you heard this story about a buttered bun and two loving spouses? It is usually told to show the importance of sacrifice and giving in marriage. Briefly retelling it, I will explain why I do not agree with it.
40 year old bun
Two spouses who had been married for 40 years had breakfast together every morning and at the same time shared one bun. They cut it in half, and the wife gave the upper part to her husband, and took the lower part for herself.
On the morning of their 40th wedding anniversary, the couple cut and share the same bun. And the wife thinks to herself: “For forty years I gave my husband the best, the top part of the bun, although I so wanted to eat it myself. So at least for 40 years of our life together I will make myself a gift - I will take the upper part. She cuts the bun, butters both halves, and gives her husband the bottom of the bun (instead of the top, which she finally decided to keep). The husband, holding the lower part of the bun in his hands, looks at his wife, and in his eyes there are tears, delight and gratitude. And he says to his wife: “Thank you, my love! All these 40 years I have wanted this bottom part of the bun so much, but I always gave it to you. Curtain.
Well, after that, the conclusion usually comes that like this, they say, you need to learn how to sacrifice for your spouse and take care of him, as the husband and wife from this story did.
I do not agree with this conclusion! For example, I am very sad that for 40 years this married couple has not been able to figure out what each of them loves and expects from each other. Think about it, they could eat their favorite part of the bun for the past 40 years in a row (without harm to their marriage)! Why didn't they share what they really expect from each other? Why didn't they speak sincerely about their desires? Why do they find out that a loved one loves by chance? ..
I hope this story is not about you and you are ready to learn your spouse's love language and help him learn to love you the way you really want to. Harmonious Relations husband and wife are very important for women seeking to change the world for the better. After all, if you are loved and your vessel of love is full, then you have a huge resource in order to love the people around and serve them. That is why it is very important to teach your family to love you, to give love to you too, and not just to accept it from you.
My following law of influence for strong women will help you with this:
DISCOVER YOURSELF WHAT YOU NEED MOST. THEN YOU CAN GET IT FROM YOUR LOVED ONES
To make it easier to teach your husband to love you your way, I want to offer the following algorithm:
- STEP #1: Start loving first! Learn your husband's love language and start using it regularly. To fill the husband's vessel of love so that he has a natural desire to express love to you.
- STEP #2: Identify your own love language and find out for yourself how exactly your vessel of love is filled.
- STEP #3: Write Your Husband's Love To-Do List - Small, concrete actions that a husband can take to show you his love.
- STEP #4: If the husband is positive, give him this list and discuss it together. Tell your husband about the peculiarities of your love language. Ask your husband to use your love language.
- STEP #5: If your husband is negative, start asking him regularly for just one thing on your list. Choose one item, formulate a polite request and ask.
- STEP #6: If your husband agreed and did something for you in your love language, praise him immediately and very emotionally. Let him know that he was in the "top ten" and that he is just super-well done. No matter how well your husband complied with your request (or didn’t comply at all), he still slowly learns your love language, and this is just what you need!
- STEP #7: If your husband refuses, don't be discouraged! Continue to fill his vessel of love and ask again for other love things on your list.
- STEP #8: Analyze your husband's reaction to your request. Try to understand why he didn't do it. Try to make it easy for your husband to do things for you in your love language.
Be kind and considerate, because you are helping your husband learn your love language, and this is not at all easy. The maximum waiting period for results from your actions is six months. Therefore, tune in to hard work and do not give up, even if it seems that there is no result. Everything will be but not immediately!
Don't give up and take action! What you sow is what you reap, and love will always give its shoots, there are no other options.
Exercise
Your assignment for today. Answer the questions: How exactly is your vessel of love filled? What specific actions of your loved ones convey their love to you? Make a love to-do list for your husband (ideas of things your husband can do to express his love to you in your love language). I look forward to your answers and questions in the comments!
Greetings, Lady!
With you Olesya Chepinoga (Dmitruk)
And today we will talk about
what to do if a man tries to "impose" his opinion - how do we live, what to get involved in and with whom to be friends .
In other words, when he annoys with his advice and tries to correct us, and we only feel irritation and a desire to do it, on the contrary, to evil.
And often the advice is good. We ourselves understand that it will be better for us ... But instead of “listening” we come up with 1000 and 1 reason why NO ... and we get angry, angry, angry ... After all, we perceive advice as criticism, and not a desire to help us.
As you know, I am a supporter of full responsibility for my life. After all, only with such an approach it is possible to influence events.
if it covers US with emotions, then US and deal with them.
You can watch yourself and notice that we are annoyed not only by the advice of our man, but also by the advice of our mother, as well as some girlfriends. One gets the feeling that everyone around agreed to piss us off 🙂
But in fact, this is a bell from the Universe for us to develop a new skill / quality / state that would allow us not to get annoyed. And when we develop THIS in ourselves, the situations will disappear or we will stop noticing them.
Olesya, what's the way out? What exactly to do? Don't languish! 🙂
First of all, it’s good to answer yourself the question: “What is the reason that advice is annoying?” “What specifically makes you angry when an opinion is imposed on you”?
Stop for a moment in reading and listen to the answers. Just don't answer from your head. In my head, mostly stereotyped answers. Trust your intuition. You can even close your eyes.
Happened?
I will now reveal the most common answer. If you have another, write in the comments - we will discuss!
As a rule, when we hear advice, it seems to us that we are not understood. We feel that we are perceived as a little girl who is NOT ABLE to deal with her own life. And there is someone smart/adult who KNOWS BETTER.
And we are sure that we ourselves know MORE than others! And from other people's advice, we are "torn to pieces." After all, advice is proof that people do not notice our uniqueness and wisdom!
In addition, we often demonstrate our “wisdom” by helping our man and not only him with advice))
Lady, we first of all should see a “mirror” in people and our Man. And observe how often we ourselves love to “teach life” without asking. And how often it seems to us that our man (friends, mother) are not able to deal with their tasks.
If we observe such a habit for ourselves, then we will be annoyed by other people's advice.
That's why,the first step to your inner peace Stop giving advice to your man and other people.
Thus, to pacify our EGO from the conviction that we are better than others. Otherwise, we will run in a vicious circle, where they “teach” us and we “teach” 🙂
The second step is to understand what we ourselves want from life.
And have the courage to live the life you want. When we have OUR clear position about our lifestyle and specific actions in this direction, we become emotionally impenetrable to the advice of others.
Don't believe? And you try to “get through” to a person who confidently follows “his own path”, clearly knowing what he wants 🙂 He will take advice like a fly flying by)) He is so busy with his questions that it would never occur to him to waste time to impose their position on other people. Especially to listen to the recommendations of other people regarding yourself 🙂
The best way to know the truth is to test! 🙂
Starting today, observe yourself and how often you give advice / instructions to a man and other people. Try to stop yourself. And if you really want to direct a person on the true path, ask permission.
In parallel, think over what you want from life - what to do, get involved, with whom to communicate. And gradually realize your desires, regardless of the opinion of the environment.
The results won't be right away. But they are inevitable! 🙂
Write about them in the comments too 🙂
Oh yes, you still have the opportunity to have a consultation with me with an 80% discount. So register by clicking on the link.
And with you was Olesya Chepinoga (Dmitruk)
With love and faith in you 🙂
My husband criticizes me all the time and gives me instructions - in absolutely all areas of life, from when to change a baby's diaper and in what sequence to clean the house - and ending with how I should understand the Torah and how to speak about the characters of the Tanakh. I have a feeling that he wants me to be a robot and not a living person. Any of my attempts to defend myself turn against me - when I say that criticism is unpleasant to me, he accuses me of criticism. When I say that I am tired of his instructions, he is offended and says that these are not instructions, but good advice based on the fact that he clearly sees how best to act in this situation. And such situations when he clearly sees - every day there are a hundred pieces ... We have been married for 3 years, we have two children - but I feel that I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t feel like a mistress of the house or a full-fledged mother - because about every little thing (to bathe a child in the pool today or wait after a cold) I have to call him and ask permission - otherwise there will be a scandal in the evening. Our family life threatened. Help! R.
Good afternoon! We have such a situation - my husband works, I'm at home, my main job is two small children, and I also work from home for 2 hours a day. But I feel that I would like to work as a babysitter, in addition to working on a computer. Because I feel that, working as a babysitter, I could better realize myself professionally. Husband is against it. He says this: “You do what you want, but I'm against it. You don't do housework anyway." It's true, I can almost never keep my house at the level of cleanliness that suits my husband. Now a question. Do I understand correctly that, according to the Torah, I must agree with my husband’s decision and not take additional work, because 1) the husband is a king, 2) the wife’s duties lie primarily in the field of home and children, and therefore, if the husband is not satisfied, how I can handle it, he's right that he doesn't want me to take on extra work. R.
Postpone Postponed Subscribe You are subscribedAnswered by Tzipora Kharitan
Dear R.,
I answer both of your questions together, because. they are linked.
It is very difficult to live with a person who constantly criticizes, teaches how to live correctly, gives valuable instructions, expects them to be fulfilled, etc. But, as you yourself write in your letter, he does not perceive his behavior as you perceive it, but, apparently, he considers that you are not doing your duties well enough, and wants to help you cope with them better. It is very likely that he is a man who was brought up in such a spirit, i.e. parents constantly made comments on any occasion, and he is convinced that this is the way to teach a person to act correctly.
I think in your case it is absolutely necessary to seek help from family psychologist or a consultant. And, if necessary, motivate this by the fact that you need to overcome resentment. And since this problem also interferes with him, you will look together for how to solve it correctly. In this case, I believe, he will be taught what to say and what not to say, and how to say. If he does not agree to this, go yourself in order to learn how to respond to these endless comments and reduce their number. As for working as a babysitter, since the husband does not completely forbid, but leaves the decision to you, I would think: perhaps the work that you like will become a motivation for you to better cope with household chores. In addition, I would check with my husband what specific moments interfere with him. Because sometimes we make great efforts in one area, and we are expected in another, and we do not even know about it. Let me give you an example. One of my friends told me that her husband constantly came home at yom shishi(Friday) and said with a sigh that "again, nothing has been done on Shabbat." She was terribly offended, because although the work was not yet finished, a lot had been done. In the end, she asked her husband: what should be done? And it turned out that what worries the husband most of all is that he White shirt, in which he goes to prayer, will remain unironed. Since then, she has begun preparing for Shabbat by ironing her shirt, and there are no more complaints.
If your husband is an overly pedantic person who expects perfection in housekeeping from you, then again, I think only talking to a family counselor can help. Because the consultant will help him see what your strengths and weaknesses are as a housewife and how difficult or almost impossible it is to achieve absolute order with three small children.
As for your obligation to obey your husband, then, indeed, if the husband is categorically against something, the wife should not do it. But if he has objections, and in principle he is ready to accept your decision, then you can do what you think is right. The fact that your first duty is to take care of your husband and children is certainly true, but you need to check whether what you want to do really turns out to be an additional hindrance, or, conversely, as I wrote above, motivation. If you feel that this might motivate you, try to convince your husband, or at least agree on a trial period. Let's say: let's see for three months how this affects what is happening in the house.
And, finally, about the fact that you are crying out for help because you are tired and the marriage is bursting at the seams. I assume that in your endless disputes and bickering about how to behave, everyone already clearly knows every replica of the other side. It is quite possible that your husband has a feeling: you do not respect him enough and listen to his opinion insufficiently (and in such cases, conversations always begin about who is the king and ruler in the family according to the Torah). And you have the feeling, as you write, that someone is programming you, trying to subordinate you to their will, etc. Therefore, everyone says the same things over and over again, and the same scenes and insults are repeated. Sometimes it helps a lot to make slight changes to the script. Those. follow any of his "instructions" (in your opinion) or "useful advice" (in his opinion), and then say: "Thank you, it really turned out well." Sometimes one such change can undo twenty more " useful tips» during the day, because the husband will feel that he was listened to. Again, in order to find the strength to do this, we need psychological help and support. But I think that if you want to save the marriage, then it is simply impossible to continue as it is now. Therefore, I wish you to find the strength and means to receive constant psychological support and use it to improve relations in the family.
Best regards and best wishes, Tzipora Haritan
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Question to the psychologist:
Hello! I'm 27 and have been married for almost 7 years. There is a three year old child. Recently, my husband and I have constant conflicts for the same reason: he finds fault with many of my actions and actions, begins to pronounce long and tediously how I should have acted in this or that situation, what I did wrong. My reaction to this: a violent protest, I try to justify myself, to prove to him that I did the right thing (from my point of view). But he NEVER admits he was wrong, in the vast majority of cases the argument ends with the fact that I run out of arguments, and I bring everything to naught (tired of bickering). My husband gets angry and accuses me, allegedly he wants to help me, teach me, make my life better and easier, but I resist, hysteria and want to quarrel. In his view, I should react calmly to such remarks and follow them. Let me give you an example of a quarrel: late in the evening we get out of the car, it is dark on the street, I do not notice a drunk man and run into him. For a couple of seconds I can’t realize what’s happening, I just stand there, my husband pulls me aside. Let's go. He begins to teach: you haven’t analyzed the situation, you don’t see anything around, you could figure out that it’s dark, that there’s a bar nearby and take a closer look around. I tell you this so that next time you think in advance and this will not happen again. I internally get angry and say that this situation is not worth talking about at all, he is offended that I do not listen to his "kind" advice. And so it is repeated from time to time, most often the reason for remarking is some kind of nonsense (in my opinion), where he could well remain silent. I have a hard time enduring criticism in my address, especially systematic. kind words and you won’t wait for praise from him (maybe this would somehow balance the situation). How to act during a brewing conflict, how should I respond? I can't suppress my negative emotions at such moments. I understand that my husband will not stop teaching me, I want to somehow change my attitude towards this.
The psychologist Sviridova Lyudmila Pavlovna answers the question.
Hello Evgeniya!
Evgenia, try not to go into emotions, but play along with your husband, that you are pleased with his concern for you, that you listen to his recommendations, but when there are too many of them, it is difficult for you to rebuild yourself in everything. Take this as a game too, so that it turns out easily, you will know to yourself that such tactics will allow you to save your relationship and family. The wisdom of a woman lies in her flexibility, her ability to smooth sharp corners, to create an atmosphere of peace and psychological security. Of course, this comes with age, but the main thing is to know where to head. It is not for nothing that the wife was called the "neck", in the end she controls the head, but in such a way that it does not look like manipulation, but happens naturally, with love. Think about your reaction to criticism, why it hurts you so much, most likely it stretches from childhood. Somewhere in the upbringing there was an inflection, or you were often criticized, or, conversely, only admired and praised, thereby not forming immunity to other relationships. Very well helps to cope with the reaction of anger - humor. In every situation, if you look at it from a different angle, you can find something funny. In this way, you can get away from the conflict and defuse the situation. Track your reactions, turn on awareness - this is the ability to look at yourself from the outside and understand what I really want: to be right or harmony and peace in the family? What I wish you!