Terry Pratchett - give me a couple. Terry Pratchett - give me a couple Self - not always happy

Unearthly beauty,
Take your finger out of your mouth!
Girls and boys,
Don't suck your fingers.
Dear children,
Fingers are not candy!
Eduard Uspensky "About a girl who sucks her thumb all the time"

So, soothing by sucking is quite natural for a child. But an interesting question is: why do some children do this occasionally, while others constantly suck their thumb, bite their nails, lick their lips, etc.?

Normally, the sucking instinct gradually weakens by two or three years. If a three-four-year-old child does not want to give up a pacifier, constantly sucks on the ears of a plush hare or bites his nails until they bleed, then something is wrong ... Most likely, the baby feels uncomfortable in this world.

Independent - not always happy

“Vanka is almost four, and he puts his finger in his mouth and sits,” his mother complains, “I scold him, he understands everything, and still sucks in spite. This was not the case with Yulechka - you will tell her once how she was cut off. And the boys are all...

If you are an unwanted or unloved child, you know it. Well, maybe you don't know, but you intuitively feel it. And you want to scream until your throat hurts! You just don’t know what words are needed to be understood and loved ... And you, out of impotence, simply take your finger in your mouth, as if fencing off and protecting yourself from the world that you don’t love ...

Of course, the reason is not always so acute. Perhaps the child simply lacks affection and warmth, because the mother disappears at work; or parents often quarrel, are going to get divorced; or maybe the youngest child was born in the family, and it seems to the elder that he is now less loved.

Bad habits can also provoke certain parenting strategies. There are parents who consciously adhere to the installation: even a newborn child should not be pampered, otherwise it will “sit on its head”. Child psychologists believe that bad habits often appear in children who have experienced a clear lack of attention from their parents since birth. These babies were left alone in the crib for a long time, they were rarely picked up and not rocked if they did not fall asleep well. As a rule, such children were also weaned early or the “dummy” was abruptly taken away from them, leaving the sucking instinct unsatisfied.

In conditions of lack of affection and impressions, the child experiences boredom or fear and seeks solace in the few actions available to him: he manipulates parts of his body, sucks his finger or lip, pulls his hair, ear, nose, etc. At first, he resorts to such actions because his mother is not around. When a worried mother appears and seeks to distract the baby from obsessive activities, she no longer attracts his attention: the child is busy with himself. The kid consoles himself and also looks for a source of impressions in himself. It turns out that sucking fingers, lips, etc. make up for the child's lack loving hands, eye. This self-stimulation can develop into a habit and last for many years.

In other cases, the child notices the mother who has paid attention to him, and then the reverse mechanism is activated. The baby feels that he has found a way to get the attention of his mother. He actively continues to do what is weaned from. And he continues, because while weaning, he receives the long-awaited attention. Such a vicious circle.

Are we asking for too much?

Non-compliance with the excessive requirements of parents is a great stress for the child. If something does not turn out the way mom and dad expect, the child has a feeling of guilt and he unconsciously wants to punish himself. It is for this reason that psychologists believe that most "self-destructive" habits (a child bites his nails, pulls out his hair, bites himself) appear from the desire to hurt himself - to punish for some kind of offense or even "bad" thoughts and desires. By the way, note: in the wise Russian language, the words “gnaw” and “remorse” (of conscience) have the same root. Sometimes an elementary analysis of their own educational strategy helps parents to understand the problem. You need to ask yourself a series of questions: “Is the child sure that I will still love him, even if he does not learn to play the guitar?”, “My daughter goes to gymnastics because she likes it, or because she does not want to upset me ?”, “Is my son afraid of me?” etc.

A heart-to-heart conversation "on an equal footing" may well help you understand the reasons for the child's anxiety. It may turn out that the son stole a keychain from a friend in kindergarten, or the daughter is very worried that she recently deceived her grandmother. In this situation, the child, who is very afraid of disappointing his parents and being punished, will be silent and unconsciously "flagellate" himself, causing some kind of physical pain. For example, one little girl was constantly picking a match in her teeth (until her gums started to bleed), because, contrary to the strict prohibition of her father, she was friends with the “bad” girl from their entrance.

Such stories happen in families where the degree of trust between parents and children is not as high as the child needs for mental well-being and peace of mind; where the "little man" knows that " big people”, if you tell them something, they will evaluate and punish you, and not try to understand. And only a firm conviction that you will always be loved helps the child find the strength to confess to a misconduct, which means to survive and forget an unpleasant episode.

We reinforce the habit ourselves

It turns out that for episodic thumb sucking or nail biting to become a habit, someone needs to pay attention to it. But not just notice, but also scold, tell how bad it is, and in the future it is obsessive to ensure that the child does not take anything in his mouth. Unfortunately, this is the “fight” tactic used by many parents. But after all, the child puts his finger in his mouth almost unconsciously, so the parents’ remarks will not make him stop, but, most likely, will make the habit even more obsessive (“forbidden fruit is sweet” is the motto that our subconscious loves so much). In addition, the fight against the action itself does not make sense, because the root of evil lies in the psychological state of the child. That is, even if a boy or girl, under pressure from their parents, stops biting their nails, it is likely that after a while some other obsessive action will appear - licking lips, for example. Anxiety and uncertainty did not disappear ...

How to wean a child from a bad habit?

- Try to establish a tender and trusting relationship with the child, find out what worries or worries him, what he is afraid of. This knowledge will help you understand the situation and restore your child's self-confidence, their strengths and the love of loved ones. And this confidence is the main enemy of anxiety, and therefore of all bad habits!
- Do not deprive the child of the necessary physical contact with the mother, either in infancy or in older age.
– Try to reduce the number of requirements and prohibitions.
- Make your child's life joyful! Make sure that the baby gets a lot of different experiences, plays more often. But in most cases it is better to reduce intellectual loads.
– Do not take promises from the child to stop, for example, biting nails. His will is not yet sufficiently developed. Having broken this promise, he will feel even worse, because guilt will be added to the feeling of anxiety.
– If you can’t figure out the problem on your own, seek help from a child psychologist.

And the last. It happens that a child “peeps” some bad habit from another child or from an adult. May start picking his nose, like Seryozhka from kindergarten, or constantly fiddling with the ear, like an older brother. If you do not focus on this, most likely, the “alien” habit will disappear after some time.

"Bad" habits of children

If the child bites his nails, sucks his thumb, picks his nose, picks at the edges of his clothes, bites his lips, or is affected by some other obsessive habit, parents need to behave very intelligently to help the child cope with the situation that has arisen, wean the child from thumb sucking, picking nose and everything else.

Easy but ineffectual way

When a child pisses himself off with his bad habits, the first thing that comes to mind is to reprimand him (in an orderly tone, often turning to op), punish, intimidate. And this method of education usually works poorly, or does not work at all. The parent begins to feel powerless and therefore only increases the degree of pressure on the child. In such a confrontation, everyone loses.

Exit - in complex therapy

Like any competent treatment, getting rid of a bad habit should be complex. And include: the correct reaction of parents, changing the methods of education, finding out the cause of the appearance of a bad habit, eliminating provoking factors. Let's consider each treatment item in more detail.

Parents' reaction

It is very difficult to change yourself. But it is necessary - for the benefit of his "difficult" child. And when he once again brings his hand to his mouth to start biting his nails, do not shout at him, do not hit his hands and do not threaten to tie his hands. Ask politely, as you yourself would be pleased to hear the request. That is, not “Come on, stop it immediately,” but “Come on, you stop biting your nails, please.” And immediately switch the child to some activity that is interesting for the child.

Finding a reason

Before you start weaning your child from sucking their fingers or biting their nails, it is necessary to identify the reason for this behavior. Of course, in most cases, bad habits in children are associated with their worries and anxieties. But even being in a calm environment, the child may begin to bite his nails. What prompts parents to exclaim: “Well, you see, no one makes him nervous, but he’s still on his own ... And psychologists hang about nervousness of various kinds ...” But the fact is that a child can start biting the same nails not only from excitement and fear, but also from boredom, because of a feeling of loneliness, and even because of excessive stress, fatigue and when making some mistakes.

We solve the psychological problems of children

After taking a closer look at your child and finding out when he most often bites his nails (picks his nose, etc.), you need to help the child cope with the situation in other ways, first doing a lot with the child, and then more and more yielding to him in activities. If a child does not know how to cope with excitement, teach him relaxation techniques, use fairy tale therapy, and help overcome fears. If a child is bored, make an effort to teach him to keep himself busy, to get him interested in something, to find a hobby (by the way, children often “get hooked” on nail biting in cars - they are bored sitting in a chair and looking out the window, so they find themselves class...).

Praise

Any bad habit in a child, according to psychological research, is associated with a subconscious desire to draw attention to oneself, to declare oneself as a weak and small person, and, moreover, with sadness for infancy. Therefore, if a child is overloaded with activities, if he has a lot of household chores (like the eldest child in the family, for example), all this can result in the habit of biting his nails and biting his lips. And in this case, along with other measures, it is necessary to focus the child's attention on what he already knows and to praise him more often for “adult” independent actions, only in this way it will be possible to solve the psychological problems of children. In addition, you can draw the attention of the child to the fact that adults do not have the habit of biting their nails and picking their nose (in particular, girls are often warned that “if you bite your nails, they will never be beautiful and you will not be able to paint, you can’t wear rings so as not to draw attention to your nails, etc.).

Don't tempt...

Together with all other measures, it is important to eliminate provocative factors from the life of the child to the maximum. If he bites his nails, trim them regularly. If you twitch your lips when watching cartoons, give up cartoons for a while. If you pick your nose while driving, have something to hold in your hands throughout the trip, but try to do more walking while doing so.

Learn to rejoice

No one bites his nails and twists his hair around his finger in joy! Bad habits are either associated with boredom or excitement. But not with joy. Therefore, the best prevention of bad habits in children can be lessons of joy for them. Spend time with your children together and have fun, feel free to fool around and fall into childhood. Hurry up to teach children to enjoy every day. After all, psychologists assure that if you do not teach a child to be happy before the age of 14, he will never become an optimist ...

Author - Irina Vshivkova, perinatal psychologist and family psychotherapist

Every person's very first habit was sucking. There is nothing more natural and enjoyable for a baby than sucking on the mother's breast. This is the satisfaction of almost all of his vital needs - food, warmth, security and love.
In fact, SUCKING is what first of all connects the child with the big world around. So why are we sincerely surprised when, in response to the hostility of this biggest world, a child or even an adult instinctively looks for a “nipple”?! When a person lacks self-confidence, independence, or he is worried, or some important business is ahead, he almost automatically takes something into his mouth (whether it be a finger, clothes, a toy or a pencil). In this way, a child or an adult helps himself to find peace and pull himself together. By the way, thanks to the advances in technology, scientists have been able to establish that during an unfavorable course of pregnancy, the child's anxiety in the womb is expressed precisely by sucking a finger.
So, soothing by sucking is quite natural for a child. But an interesting question is: why do some children do this occasionally, while others constantly suck their thumb, bite their nails, lick their lips, etc.?
Normally, the sucking instinct gradually weakens by two or three years. If a three-four-year-old child does not want to give up a pacifier, constantly sucks on the ears of a plush hare, or bites his nails until they bleed, then something is wrong ... Most likely, the baby feels uncomfortable in this world.

Self-reliant - not always happy

- Vanka will be four soon, and he will put his finger in his mouth and sit, - his mother complains, - I scold him, he understands everything, and still sucks in spite. This was not the case with Yulechka - you will tell her once how she was cut off. And the boys are all...
If you are an unwanted or unloved child, you know it. Well, maybe you don't know, but you intuitively feel it. And you want to scream until your throat hurts! You just don’t know what words are needed to be understood and loved ... And you, out of impotence, simply take your finger in your mouth, as if fencing off and protecting yourself from the world that you don’t love ...
Of course, the reason is not always so acute. Perhaps the child simply lacks affection and warmth, because the mother disappears at work; or parents often quarrel, are going to get divorced; or maybe the youngest child was born in the family, and it seems to the elder that he is now less loved.
Bad habits can also provoke certain parenting strategies. There are parents who consciously adhere to the installation: even a newborn child should not be pampered, otherwise it will “sit on its head”. Child psychologists believe that bad habits often appear in children who have experienced a clear lack of attention from their parents since birth. These babies were left alone in the crib for a long time, they were rarely picked up and not rocked if they did not fall asleep well. As a rule, such children were also weaned early or the “dummy” was abruptly taken away from them, leaving the sucking instinct unsatisfied.
In conditions of lack of affection and impressions, the child experiences boredom or fear and seeks solace in the few actions available to him: he manipulates parts of his body, sucks his finger or lip, pulls his hair, ear, nose, etc. At first, he resorts to such actions because his mother is not around. When a worried mother appears and seeks to distract the baby from obsessive activities, she no longer attracts his attention: the child is busy with himself. The kid consoles himself and also looks for a source of impressions in himself. It turns out that sucking fingers, lips, etc. compensates the child for the lack of loving hands, eyes. This self-stimulation can develop into a habit and last for many years.
In other cases, the child notices the mother who has paid attention to him, and then the reverse mechanism is activated. The baby feels that he has found a way to get the attention of his mother. He actively continues to do what is weaned from. And he continues, because while weaning, he receives the long-awaited attention. Such a vicious circle.

Are we asking for too much?

Dashenka went to the first grade... She knew that a lot of interesting things awaited her there, a kind teacher, cheerful classmates and "fives". That's what mom and dad said. But one day Dasha quite unexpectedly received a “troika” in physical education. She wept and did not know how to tell her parents about this misfortune. They were so happy about her excellent grades, they called her “clever”, and suddenly this ... After that ill-fated “troika”, the girl developed the habit of biting her nails. Parents convinced their daughter that it was harmful, to which Dasha replied: “I don’t want to - they squabble themselves!”
Non-compliance with the excessive requirements of parents is a great stress for the child. If something does not turn out the way mom and dad expect, the child has a feeling of guilt and he unconsciously wants to punish himself. It is for this reason that psychologists believe that most "self-destructive" habits (a child bites his nails, pulls out his hair, bites himself) appear from the desire to hurt himself - to punish for some kind of offense or even "bad" thoughts and desires. By the way, note: in the wise Russian language, the words “gnaw” and “remorse” (of conscience) have the same root. Sometimes an elementary analysis of their own educational strategy helps parents to understand the problem. You need to ask yourself a series of questions: “Is the child sure that I will still love him, even if he doesn’t learn to play the guitar?”, “My daughter goes to gymnastics because she likes it, or because she doesn’t want to upset me ?”, “Is my son afraid of me?” etc.
A heart-to-heart conversation "on an equal footing" may well help you understand the reasons for the child's anxiety. It may turn out that the son stole a keychain from a friend in kindergarten, or the daughter is very worried that she recently deceived her grandmother. In this situation, the child, who is very afraid of disappointing his parents and being punished, will be silent and unconsciously "flagellate" himself, causing some kind of physical pain. For example, one little girl was constantly picking a match in her teeth (until her gums started to bleed), because, contrary to the strict prohibition of her father, she was friends with the “bad” girl from their entrance.
Such stories happen in families where the degree of trust between parents and children is not as high as the child needs for mental well-being and peace of mind; where the “little man” knows that “big people”, if you tell them something, will evaluate and punish you, and not try to understand. And only a firm conviction that you will always be loved helps the child find the strength to confess to a misconduct, which means to survive and forget an unpleasant episode.

We reinforce the habit ourselves

So, we tried to figure out the reasons and mechanisms for the appearance of such actions as sucking, gnawing, pinching, biting. In most cases, these actions are caused by anxiety and self-doubt. However, every child experiences various stresses and needs reassurance, but not everyone has an obsessive bad habit. What's the matter?
It turns out that for episodic thumb sucking or nail biting to become a habit, someone needs to pay attention to it. But not just notice, but also scold, tell how bad it is, and in the future it is obsessive to ensure that the child does not take anything in his mouth. Unfortunately, this is the “fight” tactic used by many parents. But after all, the child puts his finger in his mouth almost unconsciously, so the comments of the parents will not force him to stop, but, most likely, will make the habit even more obsessive (“forbidden fruit is sweet” is the motto that our subconscious loves so much). In addition, the fight against the action itself does not make sense, because the root of evil lies in the psychological state of the child. That is, even if a boy or girl, under pressure from their parents, stops biting their nails, it is likely that after a while some other obsessive action will appear - licking lips, for example. Anxiety and uncertainty did not disappear ...

How to wean a child from a bad habit?

Try to establish a tender and trusting relationship with the child, find out what worries or worries him, what he is afraid of. This knowledge will help you understand the situation and restore your child's self-confidence, their strengths and the love of loved ones. And this confidence is the main enemy of anxiety, and therefore of all bad habits!

Do not deprive the child of the necessary physical contact with the mother, either in infancy or at an older age.

Try to reduce the number of requirements and prohibitions.

Make your child's life joyful! Make sure that the baby gets a lot of different experiences, plays more often. But in most cases it is better to reduce intellectual loads.

Don't make promises to your child to stop, such as biting their nails. His will is not yet sufficiently developed. Having broken this promise, he will feel even worse, because guilt will be added to the feeling of anxiety.

If you can’t figure out the problem on your own, seek help from a child psychologist.

And the last. It happens that a child “peeps” some bad habit from another child or from an adult. He may start picking his nose, like Seryozhka from kindergarten, or constantly tug at his ear, like an older brother. If you do not focus on this, most likely, the “alien” habit will disappear after some time.

Maria Vorontsova

"Seven nannies" thanks perinatal psychologist and family psychotherapist Irina Vshivkova (Moscow) for her help in preparing the material and for answering the questions of our readers:

Craving for a blanket, sheets, the habit of chewing hair, the edges of a blouse and biting lips, biting nails, pulling on an ear, a nose, eyebrows, cilia - all this is one field of a berry, an attempt to ease the accumulated tension or anxiety. In any case, these are symptoms that indicate only one thing: the baby is nervous. This is not a lack of education, this is a signal to which parents must respond adequately. In other words, as in solving any problem, you must first understand its cause, and then choose the best solution.

Both the inattention of parents to him and too strong guardianship can disturb the little one. It is quite easy to compensate for the lack of affection. Try to hug your treasure more often, kiss him, stroke his back, shoulders, arms, and head. It is difficult for many mothers and especially fathers to say: “Mishenka, I love you so much, I am so glad that you are my child!” Adults, don't be afraid to spoil your child and don't be shy: it's quite simple, just try. Try to do it one, two, three times on purpose. Believe me, very soon affection and tenderness will become an absolutely natural expression of feelings for you. Talk to your child more often, play his games. At the same time, you should not take too much care of the little one either. As well as overloading his day with mental activities (languages, music, mathematics, sports sections, etc.), to which the baby simply has not grown up. They cause too much nervous tension, which the child can only ease with the above-mentioned in an unconventional way, which adults have dubbed "bad habit".

Anastasia, 25 years old, Rostov: For as long as I can remember, I have always peeled off the skin on my lips with my nails. And recently I noticed: my two-year-old daughter does the same. Now I try not to set a bad example for her, I don’t make comments: either I distract her with something, or I imperceptibly remove her hands from her mouth. My parents constantly scolded me for "lips", and I know that this is not an option. Tell me, how can I help my daughter?

Psychologist's opinion: You yourself understand that scolding is useless. Saying that your mouth will hurt, too. It is important to understand the reason for the daughter's actions. It is worth remembering that the lips are the mouth, and the mouth is a means of self-expression. Perhaps this is where the problem lies. It is possible that the daughter is ready to talk about something, ask questions, etc., but she does not have such an opportunity. It is useful for a mother not only to monitor her behavior (they probably managed to set an example), but also to observe whether her daughter has the opportunity to express herself, how tolerant you are of her speech that is not yet correct. Maybe you correct it too often, or every time a word sounds wrong, your face expresses displeasure (albeit very veiled).

Galina, 32 years old, Rostov: I can't stop my son from biting his nails. It started when he was six years old (and now twelve). For a while we managed to solve the problem. We agreed that if on Friday evening all his nails are intact, then on Saturday we go to the store and buy something for him (toys, books). He endured a couple of months, "earned", and then broke loose and again began to gnaw. What to do now, I don't know.

Psychologist's opinion: It looks like you tried everything that was not worth doing: reproaches, punishment and even bribery. Useless. At this age, you have so fixed this habit that for its disappearance it is no longer necessary for your influence, but, for example, for the girl he likes. If a girl looks askance at her son's nails, then most likely the boy will have a desire to follow them. On the other hand, relying only on the future girl (who knows when she will appear?) is not worth it. Think about changing your attitude towards your son's problems now.

First, it is worth declaring that he is already big enough to solve his problems on his own. And this means that biting or not biting your nails is his business, and you no longer interfere in this. Not to intervene means really not to react in any way: no reproaches, no sidelong glances (even if for the sake of this it is necessary, gritting your teeth, to run away on suddenly arising cases).

Secondly, think about what requirements you make to your son, whether they are overstated, whether they meet his capabilities. If they are too high, then the bar must be lowered. Learn to accept your son the way he is, and he will become the way you want him to be.

Ksenia, 22 years old, Rostov: I want to tell you how I stopped biting my nails. This habit has haunted me since kindergarten. Parents scolded, beat on the hands - it's useless. And when I was 8 years old, older sister donated a microscope. She gave me a microscope to examine what we have accumulated under the nails. Terrible experience! All desire to bite your nails is gone.

Psychologist's opinion: The method is good, but only suitable for teenagers or overly nervous preschoolers (impressionable, with a high level of anxiety). The last nails will stop biting, but, most likely, a new habit will appear. So it is worth looking for the cause and eliminating it.

Oksana, Rostov: Our three-year-old son Denis has recently acquired the habit of biting. He can bite me or dad in the game, or when I dress him or wash him. It happens that it will approach imperceptibly from behind and bite on the leg. Many times they said that it hurts us, but Denis is either silent or says that he is joking. Frankly, I now feel tense when my son comes close. But not to bite him back?

Psychologist's opinion: Yes, you should not bite in response. The problem is not only that it hurts you, but also that your reaction (tension in response to the approach of a child) can be fixed in Denis as a reaction of women in general to him, and this is not in the best way may affect his adult life.

To begin with, it is worth remembering that a child instinctively expresses any tension (angry, hungry, envy, jealousy, etc.) through oral activity, it was the instincts that taught him to bite. Accordingly, it is necessary to teach the son other ways of expressing all feelings. Among people, the most civilized and socially acceptable expression is the word. If you purposefully teach children to master the word, then biting will decline. With systematic training, children usually master well the ability to name their feelings and the causes of discontent, which gradually translates direct oral activity into verbal (verbal).

However, one development of speech is unlikely to lead to desired result. Watch if your son bites you at the moment when you do something wrong from his point of view. Then instead of your usual reaction to the bite, you should say: “I understand that you don’t like the way I wash you, but I have to do just that in order to wash you. Try to wash yourself. And next time, it's better to say right away that you don't like it so much. After all, I have ears, I can hear you, and then we will quickly understand each other and be able to agree.”

If the child does not know how to speak well and negotiate with the parent about their needs, adults will have to guess about the occurrence of discomfort and try not to bring the situation to biting.

Elena, Rostov: I don’t know if this can be considered a bad habit: our five-year-old daughter Irochka is obsessed with sweets. I can’t imagine how much she would have eaten sweets, chocolates, pieces of cake if we hadn’t limited her. And it is necessary to prohibit, because its weight is much higher than the norm. Ira is very worried about every “no”, gets offended and sometimes cries, although we have long established the norm - three “portions” of sweets a day (a portion is a candy or a cake, a piece of cake).

Psychologist's opinion: Here you can talk about a whole range of problems and acquired bad habits. On the one side, excess weight at the age of five is usually not yet big problem, but parenting this topic can lead to a real problem. Any prohibitions at such an early age can only be justified by a persistent violation in the endocrine sphere. All the rest will only lead to these violations and an increased desire to eat the forbidden. Sweet in childhood is one of the required components. There is even a formula that "PUNISH WITH a ban on sweets, streets and hugs is NOT possible." You can adjust the weight in a different way. And prohibitions will cause an almost pathological desire to eat sweets and, as a result, its accumulation in the body.