When not to keep a family. Is it worth saving a marriage without love if there are children in the family? Causes of family collapse

Absolutely all couples, without exception, face problems (crises) in relationships.

Even those couples that at first glance seem to be just perfect ...

There are two options for the development of events, make an effort, work on yourself, change, develop, become better, look for compromises, etc. and so on, and also, work on your relationship with your partner so that the relationship is right, balanced, and ultimately makes sense OR = the easiest option, do not strain and leave. For most it is the 2nd option ...

Today, I will tell you about the 1st option, namely: in what cases it is worth trying to save the relationship.

In my opinion, it is worth trying to save relationships when it makes sense to save them.

Meaning is different for everyone. Below, I will give just a few examples (so that you understand (a)).

What does that mean, does it make sense?

If you feel that you still love your girlfriend / woman, or vice versa, your man = then you need to try to do everything in your power in order to establish and maintain this relationship.

By the way, here it may also be that one of the partners = is already ready to end this relationship, and someone, on the contrary, is still struggling and trying to maintain / improve them ... in this case, it is also worth trying to maintain and improve relations, because IT MAKES SENSE. In this case, I recommend to someone who is already ready to end the relationship = on the contrary, give your partner a chance, because he (or she) is trying his best, trying to establish and maintain your relationship, so I would recommend going to a meeting.

After all, think about it, you weren’t just with this person for so long. Break not build...

Well, if you have already given (a) a chance = nothing has changed = you will already know for 100% that this is the end. You will know for sure that you have done (a) everything in order to maintain this relationship.

But! If you really don’t want any of this, you don’t want anything anymore, with this person, then you don’t need to force yourself, because the meaning of relationships is to strengthen each other, not destroy.

If the relationship has no meaning, then they are not needed. Therefore, if nothing has changed, you have not corrected your problems, mistakes in relationships, then tell your partner honestly about everything and move on.

If you are a good match for each other = you have common interests, hobbies, you + - think the same way, you + - have the same worldview, you are approximately equal to each other, you understand each other perfectly, you are like kindred souls, as if the same, you are both feel = then, definitely, it also makes sense to try to maintain and improve your relationship. Because common ground = without them, no relationship can do.

No points of contact = none serious relationship basically not possible. And you already have them. This is your similarity, “relatedness” = a rather rare phenomenon = because we are all different personalities, absolutely different, and meeting “the right” little man = quite difficult, I would say, extremely difficult, therefore = it makes a lot of sense to improve your relationship and save them.

If you don’t see a joint future with this person, then there’s no point in maintaining a relationship.

When there is a meaning, you see it = then it makes sense to preserve them, improve them, etc. etc.

Worthy high-ranking personalities = units in the literal sense of the word. Hard deficit.

If you are lucky enough to meet a really worthy partner = then there is also a MEANING for establishing and maintaining relationships and you should definitely use it.

Because a dime a dozen - low-mid-ranking individuals. With which a lot of minuses, problems, shortcomings, horror, and so on. Things. And if there are other points, for example, feelings, love, sincerity, with such a high-ranking status = then it’s just definitely worth making every effort to improve your relationship and maintain it, and even more: improve together, work in all directions , improve relationships, etc. etc..

This item is especially relevant (important) for girls / women, because. you are biologically dependent on men, a worthy sexual partner is extremely important to you, tk. a worthy man for you is the main resource in life. No. 1. After all, it is a worthy man who will be a woman and offspring: to feed, clothe, protect, take care, etc. etc., It is extremely difficult to meet a worthy man in our time. And if suddenly, your man is such = it makes sense to establish relations with him and keep them and improve them.

The same, in fact, for men. Decent high-ranking women, in our time, are also in short supply. Therefore, if you were lucky enough to meet such a young lady = it makes sense to interact with her further, provided that, of course, you want it yourself ... provided that there are other points, for example, she tries, in everything, or there are feelings, love and many other things…

When the subject of the transaction has already been implemented, and it is the children who are the subject of the transaction in the relationship = you always need to find compromises in a good way, with each other, in relationships, always!

Because children not in full-fledged families = they have much fewer opportunities than children in full-fledged families, because of this, children not in full-fledged families grow up much less adapted to the surrounding reality, respectively, and much less competitive, and, accordingly, and the chances of their survival, in this situation, are much less in comparison with children who grew up in a full-fledged family. Do you understand?

If before the implementation of the subject of the transaction = you can disperse one and all, then after the implementation of the subject of the transaction (the birth of children) = it makes sense = you need to try to maintain and improve these relationships.

When making a conclusion, remember the word SENSE, when there is a sense = you can (should) try!

1. If there are feelings, love, etc. = it makes sense to try to maintain and build relationships.
2. If one of the partners is trying to establish and maintain = it also makes sense to try.
3. For example, if you are a good match for each other, kindred spirits. = also makes sense.
4. For example, if you see a happy future together with this person… = it makes sense.
5. If the partner is worth it = worthy (th), high-ranking (th) = also makes sense.
6. If there joint child(children) = it also makes sense to establish and maintain relationships.
7. and many other things related to the word MEANING = when it is = it is worth it. IMHO!

Regards, administrator.

“I don’t understand my friend: I’m ready for anything for the sake of my wife, and she literally twists ropes out of him. He suffers, but does not leave. Says he loves her. And what kind of love is this abnormal?

Surely each of us in a close or distant environment has similar pairs. Somewhere husbands also suffer, somewhere - wives, who experience a disregard, to put it mildly, attitude from their halves. For what?! Because they love it! Why does love bring them so much torment? And is there really no way out in such a situation? With these questions, the correspondent of "AiF-Prikamye" turned to the psychiatrist and psychotherapist Alexander Weiner.

What attract us slides?

Vera Shuvaeva, AiF-Prikamye: Something tells me that in a difficult, painful situation unrequited love women appear more often than men. Do you agree?

Alexander Weiner: Based on my practice, this is more inherent in women. But it must be taken into account that men are much less likely to turn to psychotherapists - both in general and about interpersonal relationships in particular. By the way, recently I began to think that such relationships are not a pathology. Maybe a deviation, but definitely not a pathology. Because most people love it that way.

- Majority?

Well, yes, for some time. If we are talking now, of course, about love. What do people mean when they say this word? The vast majority - not the calm, measured life of burghers, preoccupied with what to eat and where to go. They mean Romeo and Juliet, Othello and Desdemona and the list goes on. All classical literature about love, especially poetry, is about it. From Pushkin to Brodsky, with stops through Akhmatova, Tsvetaeva, Mandelstam, there is a description of just such relationships.

- And if we translate them from the language of poetry into the language of psychology?

It's about love addiction. And about dependence not even on a specific person, but on an emotional state, on wild emotional swings that he constantly arranges.

- And why are these roller coasters so attractive for many?

Joseph Brodsky in the poem "Still Life" has a line: "Death will come, it will have your eyes." In my opinion, this is the most poetic essence of these relations. A person goes into them because he wants to die quietly. Yes Yes! And a partner in the form of a vamp or a fatal man is just a tool with which he kills himself.

Where are you, my other half?

- But no one is going to die from a good life.

Good people don't enter into such relationships. People who fall in love with vamps are people with a history of intense interpersonal hunger. They live in different myths about love. The most famous is the myth of two halves. A person thinks: I can’t start a relationship with just anyone, since somewhere there is my soul mate. Or, for example, the myth that true love is sacrificial love: I have to sacrifice everything for the sake of my beloved or beloved. As a result, the person "starves". Both interpersonally and sexually.

Such people can be quite wealthy, socialized. But their head is filled with ideas about reality that are incompatible with life. Constant psychogenic situations, terrible stress. And the person begins to dream of death. The mystery of why we love those who kill us so much has long been solved by Yuri Vagin in his book Typhoanalysis.

- That is, love becomes for these people a way of self-destruction?

That's right, stretched out in time. Yes, within the framework of the emotional swing, there are rare surges of happiness, which for an exhausted, starving person are comparable only to the feeling of paradise. But the main background is unhappiness, negative emotions, torment. Everyone who has been in a situation where you love, but not you, knows that a day in this relationship goes for two, and sometimes even a month. That such a union not only adds gray hair, but also really shortens life.

- And what to do?

If you find yourself in a burning house, you must escape from it. If a wild animal rushes at you - too. So here too. I really love the movie "Forrest Gump", the key quote in which is: "Run, Forrest, run!" And I am ready to advise this to any person who is head over heels in love with someone who not only does not reciprocate, but also mocks him. Not necessarily physically.

Which marriages are stronger?

- And if we try to change this difficult situation?

It won't work on its own. Months, and maybe even years of such a life speak for themselves. Since until now a person has not been able to make him fall in love, he will not be able to continue. Only a psychotherapist can change the situation: in half of the cases it is possible. But without contacting a psychotherapist, one must run away in 100% of cases.

- I'm sure not everyone will take your advice "Run!" as a guide to action. And I hear objections: “I’ll run away, but where will I find someone else?”, “And the child? Will he be left without a father?”, etc.

Hiding behind a child is unacceptable! For the psyche of children, it is much better to live in a loving incomplete family than in a complete, but with a psychopathic relationship. Because children feel and understand everything.

As for the search for a partner, in order not to offend women, I will answer on behalf of a man. If I cannot find a quality woman, then the questions here are not for women, but for me. So I'm not good enough. So, you need to work on yourself, put yourself somehow in order.

- In your opinion, is the well-known journalist and photographer Yuri Rost right, who once said that one should not marry the woman without whom you cannot and with whom you cannot, but the one without whom you can and with whom you can?

Absolutely! In general, it is worth remembering that it does not happen that both of them love in a couple. There are three options. First, they love me. Second, I love it. The third is partnership, when there is no love, but there are a lot of positive aspects: mutual respect, support for each other, good sex, good relations. And it is these marriages that are the strongest.

What leads to a dead end?

Man is designed in such a way that he does not need what he already has. When he is full, he does not think about food. Thinks when hungry. And when someone loves him without memory, he does not appreciate it either. well and loving person the more he gives without receiving a reciprocal feeling, the more he gets addicted to his idea, which over time becomes overvalued for him.

As Pushkin accurately wrote in Eugene Onegin: “The less we love a woman, the easier she likes us and the more we destroy her.” If you want to believe harmony by algebra - please! According to psychotherapists, there are 3 clear criteria that, literally after a month of relationship, make it possible to understand that in this case a dead end awaits you.

The actions and deeds of a partner bring you more negative emotions than positive ones.

Life constantly, sometimes several times a day, puts people before a choice, but your partner, alas, chooses not you, not your plans and desires.

Feelings for you do not erupt even in hugs, glances, touches and other non-verbal things from a partner.

That is, a month is more than enough to understand that there is no reciprocity in your union. Of course, you can continue to entertain yourself with illusions, suffer, suffer. But at the same time, your masochistic head will die with you.

In any family, there are moments when it seems that love has passed and the only way out is divorce. Time passes and everything is forgotten until the next time. The danger is that the problems can snowball and eventually destroy the family nest. Is it worth saving the marriage or is it better to try to find happiness with another partner? You need to think carefully before giving a definite answer.

Family - yes!

When should a marriage be saved?

When you understand that one or one will be worse for you than together. And if feelings are still warm in your chest, then you should remember the words of the song "Not renounce loving" and try to glue the cracked cup of love.

Call your partner for a frank conversation, but not just to dump a new batch of reproaches on him, but to find a solution to the current situation and agree together to start life from scratch.

Psychologists predict a deterioration in marital relations between the 3rd and 7th year living together. This is facilitated by the disappearance of romance from relationships, quarrels over domestic issues, silent protests and reproaches, the desire to hurt the partner as much as he did.

You can save relationships at this stage of living together if you give each other more freedom, give your partner the opportunity to pursue career growth, learn a new profession or hobby. Hobbies that are not related to the family will let the spouse understand how dear this person is to him and that losing him means losing yourself.

The second crisis period begins when the family crosses the 17-year mark and moves towards "golden wedding". This time is the greatest danger for women, as men often go “breaking bad”, trying to have time to jump into the last carriage of the outgoing train of youth and again feel “on horseback”.

Wise women simply wait out this period and give their beloved man the opportunity to work up and return to the family.

But this is possible only on condition that the partner carefully hides his life on the side, continues to respect his wife and support his family. If this is not the case and the man demonstrates his disrespect and even hatred in every possible way, and the partner responds in the same way, there is no point in maintaining such a marriage.

How to keep love in a marriage

However, it is always easier to prevent the occurrence of dangerous situations than to glue a broken cup later. There are things that should never be allowed. This applies to quarrels in front of strangers and children, the transition to personalities and the involvement of relatives in a dispute. You should not remember past grievances, especially if the other half has already begged forgiveness from you for them.

When you are close to hysteria, when you are tearing and throwing, and bombarding your partner with reproaches, accusations, trying to hit as hard as possible and even humiliate, try to look at yourself from the side at this moment. How unsightly you look, how disheveled your hair is animal grin mouth. You will stop respecting yourself at this point, and your partner will do it even earlier.

Try going the other way and use one of the following tips:

1. Do not try to remake your spouse, no one has yet succeeded;
2. Highlight for yourself its advantages, not disadvantages;
3. Find time to discuss current affairs, ask for his opinion;
4. Engage in a business that fascinates both of you, and then you will have something to talk about;
5. Look for ways to spend time together more often: visit exhibitions, museums, theaters;
6. Watch melodrama films that save marriage;
7. Compliment each other, take care of each other;
8. It is very good if at least one partner has a good sense of humor. Then any conflict can be suppressed with a joke at the stage of its inception.

Tips for a wife on how to save a marriage can be as follows: to find a middle ground between a downtrodden horse that drags the whole life on itself, and a princess who only cares about herself and her appearance. Women very often go to extremes and either suffocate men with their care, or, conversely, make it clear that they put their own priorities above family ones.

Try to keep up with everything: cook borscht and do a manicure, and most importantly, match your spouse in everything. If he leads an active lifestyle, it is necessary to keep up with him, otherwise he will seek understanding elsewhere.

And men can be given advice to be more resolute, more responsible, more active. A woman should feel that you are always ready to help her and that she is behind you like behind a stone wall. Give her flowers for no reason, say compliments, love children and try to spend time with the whole family more often.

Well, the most important advice to both parties- Do not refuse your partner in sex. As you know, appetite comes with eating, and even if now you don’t feel like anything, after 5 minutes you will forget about it and will gladly give your partner love and affection.

Many do not know how to save a marriage after infidelity. If you understand that you will never be able to forgive and forget this, then it is better to get a divorce. Although some psychologists advise just to part for a while and think. Some create a family again and forget the past, but this is only possible if the relationship is completely broken on the side. Worth a listen "guilty" side, although it will not be easy. Such frankness will help the other understand the motives and make "work on mistakes". Forgive each other and then your marital relationship has a chance to continue.

I often meet people who are unsure whether they should continue their relationship with a partner. Recently, a friend shared: “Only when my beloved and I are together, I feel our connection. If he is not around, I don’t know if he needs our relationship and how exactly he spends his time. I try to talk to him about it, but it only angers him. He thinks I'm exaggerating and I need to be more confident."

Another patient confesses: “We have been married for three years and I love my wife. But she does not allow me to be myself: to pursue my hobbies and spend time alone with friends. I constantly have to think about how my wife will react to this, whether it will upset her. This cramped position and distrust wears me out.” To anyone who also has doubts that do not allow them to call the relationship happy, I propose to answer six questions.

1. How often do you experience negative emotions?

We try to ignore anxiety and doubt so as not to meet difficult conclusions for ourselves: relationships do not make us happy. Instead of blaming yourself, suppressing your feelings, and trying to look at the situation more positively, deal with what is happening honestly and responsibly.

Falling in love, we ignore intuition, which tells us that this is not our person.

The first and most important step is talking to a partner. Watch his reaction: how attentively he will treat your feelings, whether he will offer to change something in the relationship so that you are comfortable, or whether he will begin to reproach you. This will be an indicator if your union has a future.

2. Does your partner keep their word?

The basis of a healthy relationship is the belief that the person next to you can be relied upon. If a partner promises to call, spend an evening with you or go somewhere for the weekend and often does not keep his word, this is an occasion to think: does he appreciate you? When he fails even in small things, it destroys trust, depriving you of the confidence that your loved one will be with you in difficult times.

3. What does your intuition tell you?

When we fall in love, we so passionately want to continue experiencing this intoxicating feeling that we ignore our own intuition, which tells us that this is not our person. Sometimes people suppress these feelings for years and even get married, but in the end the relationship falls apart.

There is no relationship that begins with discomfort and then suddenly blossoms.

After parting, we understand that in the depths of our souls we foresaw this from the very beginning. The only way to avoid disappointment is to be honest with yourself. If something is bothering you, talk to your partner about it. In the vast majority of cases, the inner voice does not deceive.

4. Do you feel embarrassed for your partner?

If a loved one makes you feel uncomfortable: provokes conflicts in front of your friends and relatives, deliberately touches on topics that are painful for those present, demonstrates bad breeding, you will always experience this discomfort. Are you ready to avoid joint meetings and see your close circle only in private?

5. What does the experience of other relationships tell you?

We often hear that relationships take work. This is partly true - we should try to listen sensitively and treat our partner with care. However, this process is only important if it is two-way.

There is no relationship that begins with a feeling of discomfort and anxiety, and then suddenly, by magic, blossom and bring joy. The readiness to understand each other is the basis of happy unions, and it manifests itself (or does not manifest itself) immediately. Most likely, you will agree with this if you remember your previous relationships.

6. Are you ready to openly discuss sharp corners with your partner?

Are you unable to freely talk about what is bothering you because you are afraid of a negative reaction from your partner? Then you doom yourself to a feeling of loneliness, which can last for many years. Perhaps your insecurity extends not only to relationships with a partner, but also to other areas of life and needs work on yourself, which only you can do yourself. But even then, you must be able to openly, without fear of consequences, talk with your partner about what is important to you.

If your feelings do not meet with understanding and after a conversation a loved one continues to hurt, this is an occasion to think about whether this relationship is necessary.

about the author

Jill Weber Clinical Psychologist, Sexual Relations Specialist, Author of "Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy: Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships", Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2013.

When a young couple decides to join their lives in marriage, first of all, she unites them with love. The honeymoon passes, family everyday life begins. Love is a feeling that you need to work with every day, it is like a fire, they forgot to throw brushwood and it went out. Likewise, the family requires the daily work of both spouses. Time passed, the fire of love went out and the question arises: Is it worth keeping a marriage without love? Each family will answer it differently.

Is marriage possible without love?

Modern family life very different from our ancestors. Earlier marriage was mainly based on the preferences of the parents, and not those who concluded it. Marriage was based on mercantile calculation, convenience, comfort of living. At the same time, divorces were forbidden, and the proverb entered everyday life: “be patient, fall in love.”

In our time, there are also marriages created not by love, but by cold calculation. A woman chooses a richer man as her husband, wanting to get a rich and luxurious life, while feelings do not matter much to her. A man may marry the daughter of his boss, wanting to secure a good career for himself.

Do such marriages have the right to life? Of course yes. Both spouses understand what their relationship is built on and what each wants from the other. Such a marriage can last a lifetime, and cold calculation will develop into tender affection and even love. And it can end very quickly, when one side gets what they wanted.

If there is no love, but there are children, is it worth it for spouses to live together for them

Quite often, it is after the appearance of a child in the family that conflicts begin between husband and wife. The woman, previously wholly owned by the man, is now completely given over to the baby. Everyday questions arise, because before the spouse had time to meet her husband with a beautifully set table, and now she does not even have time to wash the dishes.

If love is preserved in such a family, the spouses will overcome all domestic difficulties and financial problems together.

Time passes, the children grow up, and the spouses realize that there is no former closeness between them, that they are completely strangers to each other. What to do in this case, is it worth living together for the sake of children?

There is an opinion that divorce greatly harms the psyche of the child. He equally loves dad and mom, and will definitely blame the initiative side for breaking the family. The younger the child, the easier he will endure the divorce, it's true. But is it worth sacrificing your life and possible future happiness for fear of harming a child?

Divorce gives the child much less psychological problems than parents who always swear over any trifle. After all, if not only love is lost in marriage, but also mutual respect, the child will endlessly suffer from the humiliation of one parent by the other, while it is quite difficult for him to choose any side. Therefore, the choice must be made by the spouses, having agreed in advance on the joint upbringing of the child after the divorce.

How to make the right decision: leave or stay?

There is no love, family life is bursting at the seams, what needs to be done to improve the situation? It’s easy to destroy everything and leave, but before you do this, you need to answer a few questions for yourself:

• What will it bring? You need to answer truthfully, without taking into account the advice and tips of relatives, friends and colleagues. Life is our own and only we need to take it on our own important decision. Your own answer should be written down on paper. It is worth returning to this question after a while and writing down the answer again. And now we compare the answers and think about how honest each of them was;

• What needs to be done to leave the family, and what to stay in it? Again sincerely writes down the answer. We draw up an action plan with deadlines. We return to the plan in a day, make adjustments, fix something.

There is a plan to get out of the situation. Ahead of a difficult conversation with the second half. You should not put it off until sometime, if the decision is made, then way back not anymore. Prepare for the conversation.

How to explain to your soulmate that the marriage is over?

If a decision is made to break family ties, explanations cannot be avoided. The conversation must necessarily take place, and as much as possible to analyze the current situation. However, it must take the following form:

• Do not interfere with the partner to express his opinion, let him finish speaking;
• Do not get personal and hang labels. This is not the most suitable situation for a mutual discussion of character .;
• The partner may be incomprehensible to the current situation and this is normal. It happens that only one of the spouses does not feel love;
• Don't shout, don't slam the door, don't rush. Sleep with this conversation, and if nothing has changed, pack your things in the morning and leave.

The most difficult thing in such a situation is to finish what you started. If the decision is made and discussed, then you have to go to the end. Respect your ex, because there were good moments in life together.

Is it worth saving a marriage without love?

This question is very individual for each family. Some cannot live together without feeling passionate feelings and emotions. Others treat marriage more prudently, determining what benefits it can bring. To decide on the termination of marriage, if there is no love, only spouses can.

If love was present in a relationship, and it seems that not everything is lost, you can try to change the situation and work on feelings. Until the final relationship is clarified, it is worth living separately for some time. Perhaps the partner will get bored and ask to return. Many things are checked by time.

But if a couple is sure that a relationship without love is not acceptable for her, and love is irretrievably lost, you should not sacrifice yourself to circumstances and live with an unloved person. The family will be preserved, but it will consist of two unfortunate people. After parting, you can find new happiness and create two happy families.

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