Married for eight years. My husband is eleven years older, very caring and reliable, we have a good relationship. But for four years I have been in a relationship with a young man younger than me. Now he wants me to leave my husband and start a family with him. I can't choose: I love both, but in different ways. My husband is more like a father to me. And I feel a strong attraction to another man. We have many common interests, but with him there is no confidence in the future. Help me decide.

Vera, 29 years old

Vera, you have been leading a double life for four years already, does your husband still not notice anything? In part, you answered your own question: it all depends on what you expect from life. If you want imaginary stability - choose a husband. Imaginary, since such a union may suddenly break up. One day, one of you - maybe this time a husband - will get tired of the lack of feelings, the parent-child relationship, or simply decide that he is more comfortable alone.

It is hardly possible to predict how relations with a lover will develop if you choose him. Now there seems to be more honesty and openness between you than in your relationship with your husband.

Eight years of marriage is a long time. I think advice would be helpful. family psychologist. Do you think your husband will be surprised if you tell him that there are problems in the family? Consider what you would do if another man did not propose marriage to you. Would you dare to make the decision to leave your husband?

The situation is not easy. There are three people in this relationship, and one of you will definitely get hurt no matter what decision you make.

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The choice between a wife and a mistress is a painful situation, so try to look from the outside. To make an informed decision, it is important to separate short-term emotions, outbursts of passion, possible resentment and other husks, to expose real feelings of love, affection, desire to care, readiness to be, as they say, next to a person "in wealth, poverty, trouble, joy." Think logically, discard the feeling of guilt, it aggravates the situation. Be responsible, fate, personal happiness depend on the choice, so it’s worth weighing, analyzing all the pros and cons.

Imagine there are two projects on the table in front of you that should be analyzed, looked for possible miscalculations, decided and put into development. Creation harmonious relations is also a job no less important than building a safe house to operate. Projects have different stages of development, but they have one goal - to make your life happy. Marriage is a voluntary union, which, like a project, has a certain duration, beginning with a candy-bouquet period and a honeymoon, and ending with a divorce or death of one of the spouses.

There is another option - the slow fading of feelings, cooling, indifference of partners, communication difficulties, turning into irritation, hatred. If it's about your family life and attempts to restore mutual understanding are ineffective, it is better to leave the family. Is it worth it to torture each other, trying in vain to fan the extinct fire of the family hearth, if attempts to resurrect past feelings prevent you from becoming happy individually?

It is necessary to understand the specific goal of each project, the time for implementation, and take into account the budget. Please note that leaving the family for a mistress does not cancel your right and duty to be a loving, caring father to your children. Regardless of the circumstances, you are their protection and support in this difficult world. Try to avoid demonstrative mutual accusations, typical wars in which a wife and mistress are involved. Children are not to blame, they experience the separation of their parents most painfully. Their small world is crumbling, where everything is clear, laid out on shelves. When you leave your family, keep in touch with them, explain how you love them.

Once, in the vastness of the Runet, an instructive story came across. The child could not accept the divorce of his parents, closed in on himself. An experienced psychologist listened to a confession married man, who for a long time could not decide how to choose between his wife and his mistress, invited his wife, the mother of the child, to the room, then called the baby. She asked the boy what kind of girl he likes in the kindergarten. The child replied that at first he sympathized with cute Anechka, now he likes cheerful Katyusha. Then the psychologist asked: “Why then should dad live with mom if he fell in love with another woman?” The kid looked at her carefully, approached his parents with the words: “Come on, I understand everything!”

I love both

Who will win in the struggle of heart and mind, lawful wife or mistress?

Typical confession of a married man: I'm not a goodie. They lived well, peacefully, quietly, only had sex once a month. I fell into a depression, but did not change. was flirting with different girls, did not go beyond. I went into myself, was silent, actively watched porn, worked, and now I understand that my wife felt my secrecy, doubted my love for her. I started drinking but quickly stopped. At that moment, another girl appeared. There is a huge difference between a wife and a mistress. Turned out I'm a good lover, felt young full of energy. But the girl is angry with me, screaming that I'm using her, and then immediately confesses her love. I went through a lot with my wife, I love her too, but in a different way. Can't say mistress better than a wife. I don't know who to choose. Confused. I seem to lose a part of myself by making the final choice.

First, let's deal with the concept of "love". If we understand affection by it, then it is permissible to love two or three people. But, understanding by this word mutual care, devotion, support, we realize that feelings are directed at a particularly close person. With such a strong connection, we do not need anyone but the object of love. Often, instead of such feelings, people experience emotional dependence, habit, lust, persistent interest, confusing it with true love. This explains the typical phrase "I love both in different ways."

There is another interesting point of view. Attraction to two women at the same time is considered through the analysis of physiological and psychological reasons. Some psychologists advise looking for roots first of all in oneself, in early childhood. The boy always requires constant attention, mother's care. Having not received love, he matures, becomes an adult man and the desire to have endless maternal love turns into the need to receive affection, care from other women. Psychologists say that more often than not, the cause of romances on the side is the unfulfilled children's need for love, attention, and not the sexual aspect, as the majority believes.

How to break a love triangle?

The psychology of a married man who has a mistress creates a specific pattern of behavior. The need to hide relationships on the side, constantly control one's own speech, seem calm - unpleasant moments, but they pay off by the absence of the usual reproaches, reading morality, which the wife often abuses, updating intimate life, the illusion of free relations. A man tries to live up to expectations, but, letting a person into his own life, he becomes vulnerable, susceptible to manipulation.

But the motives of the girl should be taken into account. What pursues, expects a new hobby? Over time, the lover will either begin to rigidly demand more attention, effort, financial support, skillfully manipulate feelings of guilt, affection, or will find a more suitable option. Of course, the exception is real love, which will help to overcome all obstacles, fire and water, business bankruptcy, prolonged lack of money, a serious illness, will not fade away from routine and life, but such cases, unfortunately, are rare even among lawful chosen ones, not to mention a new lover.

Most often, a girl is looking for a married partner who has already reached certain heights in order to win him, perhaps even give birth to a child. Thus, she kills two birds with one stone - increases her self-esteem, status and gains material security. Skillfully playing on weaknesses, family misunderstandings, problems that bother you, but there is no one to discuss them with, she will achieve what she wants.

Need to be determined. An unfinished relationship is like a thorn in the finger. They interfere with enjoying life, constantly threaten to aggravate the situation, the appearance of an abscess, and can lead to a nervous breakdown. If the connection is alive, try to restore it.

When we live in vain hope, regularly compare a potential partner with the former one, we ourselves do not change inside, there is a threat of repeating the mistakes of a previous marriage. The novelty is gone. Romance is slowly moving into everyday life. The new lady of the heart imperceptibly loses her angelic appearance, turning into an ordinary woman with her own problems, demands, claims, reproaches. Vicious circle.

This is how stereotyping, stereotyped thinking is created. We justify ourselves by believing that "all women are the same" or "again made a mistake, did not meet that one." However, the real reason is deeper. It is necessary to revise values, analyze mistakes, work on oneself. Therefore, before starting a new relationship, you should definitely end the old one.

Psychologist Kristina Kudryavtseva argues that the triangle cannot be broken if it is perceived in the plane of competition between two parties for attention, significance for the third. Focus on yourself, internal conflict. Is it a choice between what for you? What you are striving for, understand the essence of the search. What's missing from the old connection? Is it possible to fill an empty niche of marriage, to complement your project?

It is permissible to seek help from an experienced psychologist. Independent analysis is not always effective. Barriers, psychological self-defense work, distorting the perception of the situation. A critical appraisal is needed.

If we are not aware of what is happening inside, from the outside it seems that this is fate. - Psychologist Carl Gustav Jung.

The presence of relationships on the side indicates problems, stagnation in the family. Take into account the advice of a psychologist: make a decision consciously. Analyze the situation, calculate the risks, predict the possible consequences, scenarios, take into account the strengths and weaknesses. Do not be guided by someone else's opinion, the advice of friends, do not succumb to manipulation. You are responsible for your own life, your choices. No one knows better than you what decision to make.

In many couples' relationships, there may come a point where it's tempting to find something else. Most often, it is men who begin to be tempted to have a mistress. Every marriage, no matter how strong and enduring, has its ups and downs. Life changes, circumstances change. So is it still worth being tempted, cheating on the closest and native person? We will tell you a story to remind you that there is no compelling reason to cheat on your partner.

Wife and mistress - which one to choose?

A man who was happily married was tempted and began to build a relationship with another woman. He was happy with his mistress, but he also could not leave his wife. Then he decided to ask the advice of a wise man. With whom should he be - with his wife or mistress? The sage handed him two pots and said: one of them contains a rose, and the other contains a cactus. What plant will you choose? Such a question did not cause any difficulty for the man, and he immediately chose a rose. After all, it is obvious that a rose is a more beautiful flower. The sage just shook his head and replied that he deserved neither.

Cactus or rose?

In fact, the rose and the cactus were fictitious. There were no plants in the pots. Very often, in pursuit of bright and new relationships, many men forget about their faithful and devoted wife in order to have a mistress. The cactus will always remain so, and the capricious rose must be carefully looked after, creating special conditions for it. Some men, chasing beauty, choose what is brighter. They completely forget that their mistresses can also find someone more interesting and richer. But if you take care of a cactus, then it can also bloom. Just like the woman you live with. From gentle and affectionate treatment, she will only become more beautiful and desirable. Think, is it worth changing something in your life? After all, your wife loves you the way you are. Knowing your shortcomings, she still remains there. She is interested in your joys and victories, she will support you in difficult times. While the mistress is not interested at all. And the wise man said that a man does not deserve a single flower! After all, a diamond is waiting for him at home, but for some reason he started searching and collecting stones.

Finally

It is very easy to destroy relationships, but to return them is not at all easy, and sometimes even impossible. Think about this before chasing a flamboyant relationship. After all, you risk crashing in both cases!

Hello! Help me please. Married 9 years, have a common daughter. A year ago, my husband went home on business, stayed there for a month. He met a girl who liked him in his youth. Changed me or not - I do not know. But then he went to work in another region, he was alone there. Financial problems began, I began to put pressure on me to return home. I was getting ready. And then he ended up at home, began to live with that girl. At that time she was married, but left her husband. My husband continued to tell me that he was still at work, he couldn’t leave. Then he disappeared for a week. I began to look for him, I felt something was wrong. I wrote to her, because do we know each other. She replied that my husband is now with her, they have been living together for a long time. Then I found out that a long time ago is 2 weeks. She handed her husband the phone, and he said in a drunken voice that now he loves her, but he stopped loving me. A few days later, the brother of the drunk took him away from her. A week later, my husband called, asked for forgiveness, wanted to return, said that he could not live without us. I forgave. He returned, got a job as a driver. They began to live together. He often has to leave for work, so he is at home only 1-2 times a week. I tried to improve relations, he too, but only for a while. After some time, I began to notice that he was texting her again. He said that as with a friend. I saw that this was not so, I made scandals. He left but returned the same day. Reconciled. He promised to finish everything there. He called me 2 times from work and said that everything, the relationship on the side was over, I saw that he was getting better. Then everything repeated. This story lasted for about six months. We went on vacation in May. To different places. He is to his homeland, I am not far from those places. The whole vacation rushed from me to her, once again managed to quarrel. He showed me the correspondence where he frankly sent it. A few days later I went back to her. He returned home earlier, I had to stay late because of the illness of the child. It turned out that he brought her with him. Rented an apartment. We had a big fight. We did not communicate for several days, then he called himself, said that he had brought her to work in a city nearby, that he lives alone, wants to figure out why this whole situation happened, so he will live alone. When my daughter and I returned, he began to come to visit. Again he said that he loves, cannot live without us, etc. Relatives told me that she is still here, has not gone anywhere, although he claims that he lives alone, she is not here and he does not even know where she is. He says, and he himself, that he will soon return to the family. I asked him to choose several times, let him go, asked him not to lie, but he insists on his own, is offended. I do not know what to do. He doesn't want to get divorced.

Tatiana, Russia, 32 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello, Tatyana!

When you wait for someone else to decide how your life will go on, you are not in control of your own life. That is why waiting for such a decision can last so painfully long. I can only recommend you to take responsibility for your future and decide for yourself what you want. If you want a divorce, you do not need your husband's consent to apply for a divorce. This will be determined in court, since you have a common child. If you want to continue sharing your husband with another woman, make that decision and talk it through with your husband. Clarify all the details of such a complex life. Distribute how you and him will raise a child in such a situation. If you want to try again to give your husband a chance to make his choice - discuss exactly how long you give him, under what conditions and what happens if these conditions are not met. Stick to your agreements exactly, because it is so important for you to return stability to life. Good luck and make the right decision!

Sincerely, Elena Rakitova

Between two fires: to choose a mistress or a wife?

Women regularly turn to me with a request for help - it is necessary to “repel” the husband’s mistress and return him to the family. Or, in other words, how to make my husband decide to choose me.

And I tell everyone who applied the same thing - the psychologist is powerless here. Because a person (in this case, a husband) cannot decide anything in such situations. Can't just physically.

Let's explain on the fingers.

We live among systems

In human life there is such a phenomenon as the systems in which we are included. For example, a member of a work team, a resident of an entrance, a participant in a theater studio, a son, grandson, friend, matchmaker, godfather, brother, and so on.

Man belongs to these systems with varying degrees of affection. And - what is important! - the more attractive the system is for him, the more he is attached to it, the more the system attracts him.

Moreover, the attractiveness may not be very bright - say, it may be a childhood memory (from the first grade together, at the same desk) and no more. But even such a memory may be enough to make the system attractive, to bind to it.

I talked in more detail about the systems themselves in the article “How to unravel in your life”, but here we’ll just fix it - a person lives in such systems, and these systems differ in their degree of attractiveness.

When the mind is powerless

As long as we live in a situation where different systems have different degrees of attractiveness, everything is fine - the priorities are set, the goals are subordinated, first the first, then the second, and the compote for the third.

Problems begin where both systems become equally attractive.

Here, for example, is a mistress. She is younger than wife, not wrapped up in children and everyday life, always happy and available in a sexual sense. The "mistress" system is undeniably attractive.

But the wife - she had a long (and in some places very good) history of relationships, common children, an established life, a fair amount of wear and tear. The “wife” system is attractive, though in a different way, but no less.

This is where these crazy swings begin, when a man decides, they say, that's it, I'll go to my mistress, crosses the threshold, leaving behind a crying wife and confused children, comes to his mistress to live with her forever .... And in a week he is going back - home to his wife.

At this moment, the wife is happy, the children relaxed, everything fell into place .... And in a week the man is going back - there, to his mistress.

It seems that he is playing with the feelings of these women or is simply weak-willed, since he cannot decide (and if so, then something can be done to help him make a decision).

In fact, he is torn apart between two equally attractive systems and no amount of willpower will work here. Simply because a person cannot use it.

To be torn in such a situation is extremely natural for a person. It is also natural not to be able to fly or throw off the tail (for lack of a tail).

It can’t, a person simply can’t take and choose in such a situation - he doesn’t have enough resources in his head for this.

endure and wait

And here we come to the most difficult moment - to solve this situation.

I assure you you won't like it. However, I believe that the bitter truth is better than sweet lies, at least in some matters.

Therefore, keep the bitter truth - if a wife has a task to keep a man (although why is he needed like that?), Then you need to wait and endure.

The effectiveness of this strategy is not absolute, but of all the others it is the most effective. So to say - the best among the worst.

Here's the thing - in such a clash of systems, the one that remains attractive wins. And to remain attractive, you need not to push.

Indeed, at some point, the mistress will say, they say, it’s enough to live in two houses, it’s time to decide, and then her attractiveness for a man will begin to decline sharply (I know what I’m talking about, I constantly come across this at work).

And the wife at this time is silent and does not require anything. And then the choice happens as if by itself - the attractiveness of the mistress has decreased, the attraction to her is no longer so strong, but the attractiveness of the wife has remained at the same level, she is drawn to her.

There is no need to choose here - he returned back, he doesn’t pull anywhere else, everything is the same again. Here is the end of the story.

There is only one problem - to endure and wait is very, incredibly, exceptionally, monstrously difficult (and, by the way, as a rule, for a very long time - up to three years, it happens). Few people can survive all this.

And here is the question for the woman - is she ready for such trials for the sake of this man. There is no right answer here, everyone decides for herself.

I can say one thing for sure - other options are even more hopeless in terms of results (but not so difficult). How to deal with this is, of course, not for me to decide.

Total. When a man is torn between his wife and his mistress, he does it not out of malice and not out of weakness of will, but because of a kind of “failure” in the head. This “failure” cannot be cured in any way, it can only be experienced. This experience can last for several years, and it is difficult for both the man and his wife to experience it. If she does not put pressure on her husband, the chances that their marriage will last are quite high (but, of course, not absolute). Whether a woman has enough strength for this and whether she needs it at all is not for me to decide.

And I have everything, thank you for your attention.

Pavel Zygmantovich