Psychologist Tatyana Cherneva: What to do if the child does not hear the first time? The child does not obey - how to respond correctly? Tips from a child psychologist The child does not respond to the comments of adults

Question to the psychologist:

My son is 8 years old and is in the second grade. Doesn't want to do anything at school, doesn't write in class cool work, does not answer, although he knows everything. Constantly playing around, fighting. In class, he talks about abstract topics, eats or constantly asks to go to the toilet. Interferes with classmates. The teacher says he can't handle it. We constantly explain to him that you can’t behave like that, that there are norms of behavior that students must adhere to, he promises that he will improve, but the next day everything repeats. They no longer let us into the dining room for lunch and they want to kick us out of the after-school. My hands are already sinking, I don’t know how and what to talk to him about. What methods we just did not try and talked, and scolded and tried to somehow encourage good behavior, but everything is useless, there are no changes, it turns out even worse, as if he does all this on purpose. Help, tell us what to do. If there are such problems in the second grade, what will happen next? good behavior he was never different, but he could be kept under control. Thought it would outgrow it, but it's getting worse and worse. We have a complete family, dad, mom, there is only one child in the family. The child is capable, he has a very good memory, logic is well developed. He has a correct speech, as the teacher says, the class has no better storyteller, but the behavior spoils everything. He cannot communicate with peers, although he is a very sociable child. Constant conflicts with children, he calls them names, fights, but says that they are to blame, they offend him. In the kindergarten, the teacher did not complain about him, he dabbled, but was no different from other children. In the first grade, when he entered, he was one of the best students, and then he began to roll down and all because of his behavior. There were conflicts, but not so serious. In the second grade, the situation became more complicated, he stopped responding to the teachers' comments at all. We are constantly at work and cannot constantly pay attention to him, only in the evening. On weekends we try to go somewhere together or go. He does not need anything, he has everything he wanted and toys and books, a telephone. We try to arrange holidays for him, his birthday, New Year. He has no motivation, even if he really wants something, for the sake of this he does not change his behavior. We tried to set conditions for him, you change your behavior, you get what you want.

The psychologist Kostoglodova Irina Viktorovna answers the question.

At the same time, such behavior of children often signals the hidden processes taking place in the family. What has happened in your family lately? Perhaps a quarrel or conflict that you are hiding from your son. Children perfectly feel any changes in relations among family members, but they are not aware of them and cannot express them verbally. In such cases, there are changes in the behavior of children. Without knowing all the details, it is difficult to judge what exactly is the reason for this behavior of your son and how to fix it. I recommend that you visit a psychologist with the whole family. The sand therapy method works very well with children.

What should parents do if the child does not react at all to comments and does not obey? How to make him hear you?

Janusz Korczak, a teacher and writer, promoted an excellent idea to the masses, but for some reason was not heard by the majority of those who in one way or another come into contact with children. The idea is this: if a child is often and a lot told what to do, how to do it, and how not to do it, these words turn into noise. Normal background noise. It is near the playgrounds that you can hear something like this grandmother’s monologue: “Masha (Sasha, Pasha, Misha, Dasha), I don’t go there! Don't throw sand! Don't go up the hill! Get off the tree! Well, I told you not to climb! How many more to repeat! I'm warning you!" - and so on.

What to do if the child does not hear your comments?

It will turn into noise even for an outside observer. What can I say about a child who hears this as often as something disgusting squeaks behind the cash registers at McDonald's. This is the characteristic squeaking sound that visitors notice for the first three minutes. The child also pays attention to the comments. First three minutes. Then - the production noise that accompanies the expectation of a hamburger. Or educational noise in anticipation of growing up.

"And then what to do?" - good question. Indeed, if you listen to yourself and your comments, you can immediately divide into two or even three, and rationally estimate which of this the child will listen to, and which will still have to wait.

Objectively, most of the comments are still empty. Correct, lift, remove... He is still small, or not quite an adult, as in order to understand the reasons for the remarks himself. It's not a multi-tasking computer anyway, and it can't respond to every requirement. The parental “am I asking a lot?” has the only correct answer: “yes, a lot.” Apparently, the time has not yet come to hear and process it.

Will he get down from the tree at the first call, or is it better to silently go fishing. Will he wash the cup behind him, or is it easier to buy a dishwasher and not make noise. It's simple - the less clogged the air, the more valuable the text will be. Parents, be patient! published .

Vasilisa Levchenko

If you have any questions, ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together! © econet

At some point, parents notice that their child is completely out of control. This can happen at three years old, and at five, or even at nine. It is difficult to endure whims, tantrums and other manifestations of disobedience. Few of the fathers and mothers are ready to endure this. How to explain the uncontrollable behavior of the child and what to do with it? Find the answers in our article.

View from the outside

What is an out-of-control child? This is a child who does not fulfill the requirements and rules of the parents, who does not obey them.

Let's remember what the uncontrollable behavior of a child looks like from the outside. For example, imagine that a child is rushing like a tornado through a children's psychological center. It seems that he is in several places at the same time. He climbs everywhere, touches everything, pulls, pulls, turns to those he meets, without waiting for an answer. When grabbing valuable items and receiving comments, it reacts inadequately, aggressively, rushes into a fight or brushes it off and rushes on, threatening to break and break something. In such situations, mothers are usually completely at a loss: they don’t want to be heartless and cruel towards the child, but they can’t do anything to stop the mess.

It happens that the child seems to have calmed down, showed obedience, but after a while everything becomes the same again: the baby does not obey, others are dissatisfied, parents are in shock.

And it happens that children behave quite quietly and peacefully at school or at a party, but at home they turn into real hooligans and practically kill the whole family with their behavior.

What could be the reason for such demonstrative behavior?

Consider the reasons

The causes of children's uncontrollability are different:

Congenital features of development (psychophysiological). Specialists most often point to hyperkinetic syndrome, which is expressed in excessive involuntary movements. This pathology manifests itself in the form of behavioral disorders. Unfortunately, in such cases, parents do not always rush to the doctor, although in this case treatment is simply necessary.
age crisis. If you notice that the child regularly, does not obey at all, and reacts to comments with hysteria, then most likely the reason for his uncontrollability is age crises (from one to three, six to seven years, adolescence). crises associated with age characteristics occur in all normal children. Reacting to events in your life with tantrums and whims (in younger age), stubbornness and laziness (at an older age), the child grows and learns the world, discovering its new understanding, realizing the limits of permissibility. During these periods, parents just need to be more attentive to their children.
Unhappy child. Internal trouble can cause uncontrollability of the child. In this case, the child's behavior, which is difficult to control, is the child's cry for help. By his behavior, the little rebel demonstrates to adults that he has problems.
Misbehavior of parents. Parents who do not have enough pedagogical knowledge and experience may behave incorrectly towards a rebellious child: provoke him, encourage whims, etc. A child is not born bad. He just behaves the way his parents allow him to. The behavior of the child is affected by whether we allow or forbid, allow or restrict, whether we are attentive to him or indifferent.

“It might be helpful. Parents' confidence in their actions and consistency in the requirements for the child, a clear idea of what is possible and what is impossible is the key to obedience and adequate behavior.

Most often, it is the pedagogical illiteracy of parents, their unwillingness to devote time to raising a child, that underlies children's uncontrollability.

What to do about hyperactivity?

It happens that the reason for the uncontrollability of the child lies in his hyperactivity. For a child with increased activity, the state of uncontrollability is a common thing. Such children, even with all their desire, cannot restrain themselves.

What to do with hyperactivity?

We study the issue of hyperactivity. First, parents should understand this issue by learning what behaviors are inherent in hyperactive children. Such children differ from ordinary ones in too free behavior, disobedience. They do not respond to prohibitions and requests, and also do not know how to control emotions and desires. These characteristics are the basis of their restlessness, contradictions and fears. Being in constant logical stress causes emotional damage to the child, which makes both the baby and his parents feel bad.
We show calmness. Remember what breeds aggression. If you do not restrain yourself in relation to the child, you will not be able to agree with him, but only exacerbate the scandal. Restrain emotions (after all, we are adults), be consistent in actions and decisions. Seeing your calm behavior, the baby will cry and calm down.
We introduce a clear daily routine. Hyperactive children need to be busy all the time. Make a small bright poster with the schedule of the day and place it in the child's field of vision. Decide how much time you have for each activity. Don't forget to remind him of his responsibilities.
Let's go to sports. The best way find a use for the excessive energy of a hyperactive child - enroll him in the sports section. The child should like to play sports. In the process of training, he will not only throw out negative energy and accumulated aggression, but also learn to observe discipline.

If none of the described methods helps or is not suitable, it is better to consult a psychologist or doctor: the cause of uncontrollability may lie in a congenital brain disease.

Parenting patterns

“Do you know that there are no uncontrollable children, but there are parents who cannot cope with their child?”

When the baby grows up, he begins to fight for attention to himself, for. Most often this happens in the form of various protests against guardianship and supervision, demands, strictness, or, conversely, the indifference of parents. These patterns of parental behavior only stimulate the insubordination of children and develop their moodiness.

One of the most common causes of uncontrollable and demonstrative behavior of a child is insufficient attention from parents. The fact that parents do not pay attention to the child or do not spend enough time with him may encourage him to behave inappropriately. For children, there is nothing worse than indifference. So they are trying to get attention.

Problems arise in those families where father and mother are inconsistent in their requirements: they do not keep their promises; today they allow, and tomorrow they allow; dad says one thing, mom says the exact opposite, and grandmother says the third. A child from such a family will easily manipulate adults, arranging whole performances. Parents must agree on a common upbringing tactic, decide what is allowed for a child and what is not, and outline the boundaries of what is allowed.

"Advice. An adult must remember that he is the main initiator of building relationships with a child.

Sorry mom

So sorry for those parents who can not cope with an uncontrollable child. You can often hear unpleasant words about the mother of a little fidget. Others consider such mothers to be indifferent to the upbringing of their own child, unable to influence him, calm him down, explain the rules of behavior. It's easy to say that: it's someone else's child. It is difficult for others to put themselves in the place of the mother. And having put - you can feel only insane tension, fatigue, despair.

Depending on the psychological characteristics of the mother, she may perceive the uncontrollable child in different ways. One of them will react to stress with protective inhibition, outwardly showing indifference, but inside - very worried. The other mother, on the contrary, will control every step of the tomboy, feeling annoyed and showing irritability. Both styles are far from the best options.

When a mother is ashamed of her child's violent behavior, this is a sure sign. She is aware of the problem, trying to find a way out of it, looking for reasons in herself. If the mother justifies the child in everything, no matter what he does, blaming educators, teachers, children and other environment for the existing problems, then she does not adequately perceive the situation. Such a mother has a distorted idea of social norms of behavior, she is not able to change the situation for the better. This mother will easily inspire the child with the idea of the hostility of the world, sowing fears in his soul. And hyperactive children already have increased anxiety.

In any case, others should be sympathetic to a mother who has such a problematic child, because this is not an easy test. And the best option for the mother to start the exit from the problem should be love for the child, however, not thoughtless, but aimed at positive upbringing.

What to do if the child is out of control

In most cases, uncontrollable behavior can be controlled, albeit with difficulty. Let's see what can be done at each specific age:

1.5-2 years. It is better to make a list of your requirements for the child from early childhood and monitor their implementation. At this age, the child can be influenced by any method that works: distraction with a bright toy or sweets, an interesting game. , does not remove toys - this will continue until you change his attitude towards these matters. Remember: you do not depend on the baby, but he depends on you. For kids, the rule of “absolute prohibition” should work, which must be strictly observed. For example, in no case should you approach the stove or iron.

3-4 years. At this age, the baby learns to be independent, he wants to do everything himself. Children explore what is possible and what is not. If they behave well, their parents approve with smiles. If not, no big deal. Pay attention to the fact that the baby is doing well, and praise him more often. With the help of encouragement, you can change the baby for the better. The task of parents is not to scold (and in no case beat) children, but to gently guide them, showing them how to behave well.

6-7 years old. This is a period of intensive development of the child's cognitive processes, as well as entry into a new society - the school. The child begins to study intensively, gets used to the new daily routine, tries to establish relationships with classmates. Parents need to be attentive to the child, help to get involved in the educational process, overcome communication difficulties, support.

9 years and older. Around this age, hormonal changes begin that can affect the behavior of the child. The student grows, his interests change, he develops physically and emotionally. You need to work with teenagers in a special way, because the solidarity of parents and understanding are important to them. Nurture in an optimistic spirit. Find common hobbies, spend weekends together. Be an authority on your child.

If parents work not only on their children, but also on themselves, thinking about the methods of education, then they will achieve success and overcome the uncontrollability of the child.

How to find an approach

In order to prevent or correct the uncontrollable behavior of the child, we propose to be guided by a system of rules:

Be consistent. Learn to keep your word given to the child and deliver what was promised. Do not violate the established.
Be firm in prohibitions. A child may feel weak if something is impossible in the morning, but in the evening it is already possible.
Communicate with the child on an equal footing. Respect the opinion of the child, appreciate his personality, reckon with his opinion. When you say no to something, explain why.
Develop a daily routine. And make sure your child follows it. This will teach the child to discipline and order, and will reduce protests to a minimum. Be with the baby by teaching him daily activities. Repeat the steps over and over. It will take a long time until he learns to observe the regime of his own free will.
Do not Cry. A child is a small person who wants to be respected too. Therefore, be respectful to the baby, do not raise your voice, do not scold, do not blame, do not beat.

The baby can be seated on his knees, hugged, affectionately talk to him, looking into his eyes, until it passes.
It is necessary to distract the child with something neutral, use humor and affection. When the child calms down, you need to calmly explain to him that this cannot be done.
Leave the room during a tantrum. The performance is always designed for the viewer.

The main thing in working with children's uncontrollability is that your efforts, restrictions and prohibitions must be united by the power of parental love, care and confidence that you are raising a child for the good.

conclusions

Faced with children's uncontrollability, parents need to think about what worries the child, what is the true reason for such behavior, how to help him. If parents are attentive to the problems of the child, his behavior will return to normal. Don't forget your behavior. The child learns everything from the parents. Therefore, try to become a role model.

Unfortunately, many parents are faced with such a situation when at one point they notice that their child has become uncontrollable. It can happen at any age: at one, three or five years old. It is sometimes difficult for parents to withstand the constant whims of the child. How to behave with children in such cases and how to influence them? Let's talk about this in more detail.

External manifestations of disobedience

What do unruly children look like? External manifestations can be very different. Children are very inventive in this regard, and each kid consciously or unconsciously chooses his own line of behavior. Surely each of you saw how a child yells for no apparent reason and demands something from his parents, while he does not listen to the arguments of the elders and is not going to calm down. Parents are far from always able to calm their child in such cases, especially if such incidents occur in crowded places. And, as a rule, it is in public places that the child does not obey. He tries to grab objects that cannot be taken, actively runs, and does not react to the comments of strangers in the best way.

Such situations may develop in different ways. The child can calm down, but after a while repeat the tantrum again. And it also happens that the kids behave approximately in the kindergarten and on the playgrounds, but at home they plague all relatives with their behavior. Why does the child disobey and demonstrate to others his disobedience? Where do unruly children come from?

To answer all these questions, it is necessary to understand the reasons.

Causes of uncontrollable children

The causes of uncontrollability can be very different:

Psychophysiological (congenital features in development). In such cases, experts indicate the presence of hyperkinetic syndrome in the child, which manifests itself in excessive chaotic and similar pathology.
Age crisis in a child. If you began to notice that the baby regularly scatters his toys, does not obey you, and responds to all comments with hysteria, then most likely the reason for such uncontrollability lies in the age crisis (crisis of one year, three years, six or seven, teenage years). The age crisis in a child is quite normal. All normal children go through this stage. To all events in their lives, babies react with whims and tantrums, and at an older age, laziness and stubbornness are a characteristic manifestation. and develop, they learn the world, discovering a lot of new and unknown things. At such moments, parents should pay more attention to their children.
Unhappy child. Unruly children sometimes demonstrate inner trouble by their behavior. Their cries are signals for help. In this way they try to show that they have problems.
Wrong behavior of parents. Adults who do not have sufficient pedagogical experience create the wrong conditions for raising children. Sometimes parents themselves provoke a rebellion in the baby or, conversely, encourage his whims. Children, as you know, are not born bad. They behave as their parents allow them to do. Absolutely everything affects the behavior of our children: whether we allow them something or forbid it, whether we are indifferent to them or attentive. Unruly children, as a rule, are the result of illiterate upbringing of adults who do not have minimum pedagogical skills. Such parents do not want to deal with kids and delve into their children's problems.

hyperactive children

If a child throws tantrums, what should I do? As we have already mentioned, one of possible causes Your baby may be hyperactive. For children with increased excitability, uncontrollability is a common thing. Such kids, even with a great desire, cannot control their behavior. What should parents do when faced with such a problem?

First, they need to study the behavior of a child with increased excitability. You need to understand how these kids are different from others. But this does not mean that your son or daughter should throw tantrums. Disobedience can manifest itself in the active expression of emotions, desires, rapid movement, a sharp change in activity. The child may not respond to comments or calm down at your request, but not for long. Manifestations can be very different. The main feature of hyperactive children is restlessness, which causes unnecessary trouble for parents, and at the same time keeps the baby in constant emotional stress.

Methods for dealing with hyperactivity

If your child is yelling, you should be as calm and understanding as possible. Always remember that your aggression will give rise to retaliatory aggression on the part of the baby. You need to learn how to be tactful and try to negotiate with your child, no matter how old he is: one year old or ten years old. We, as adults, must be able to restrain our emotions, we can do it. But children still do not know how to do this. Remember, if your son sees that you are absolutely calm, then after a while he will also calm down.

Experts recommend introducing a strict daily routine for hyperactive children. The fact is that such kids need to constantly do something. Compliance with the regime, a long night's sleep and afternoon rest will significantly reduce nervous tension. The child must clearly understand what he will do in each period of time. Such a workload will help reduce the manifestations of uncontrollable behavior, when whims and leprosy begin from idleness. Even the smallest child can be charged with any duties that he must independently perform.

Neurologists strongly recommend giving hyperactive children to sports. This method of dealing with the "problem" will help to find a useful application for the excess energy of the baby. The child must love sports. If he does not like one type, you can switch to another, and so on until the baby finds what he likes. Classes in the section will help not only throw out excess energy, but also relieve aggression, as well as learn discipline.

In addition, adults should understand that if your son or daughter has signs of hyperactivity, you need to contact specialists such as a pediatric neurologist and psychologist. Neurologists will help to figure out if there are congenital pathologies on the part nervous system and the brain, and a psychologist can find the causes of uncontrollable behavior.

Parental behavior

Some experts argue that there are no uncontrollable children, there are simply parents who do not know how to cope with their children. Even 1 child in a family with bad behavior can create big problems for adults.

We sometimes do not notice how kids grow up quickly and gradually begin to fight for attention to themselves. They want to assert themselves. As a rule, this can manifest itself in the form of all kinds of protests against excessive guardianship, strict rules of conduct, or, conversely, the indifference of adults. Sometimes parents behave in such a way that their behavior only stimulates the capriciousness and disobedience of children.

The most common cause of demonstrative and uncontrollable behavior of children is the lack of attention from parents. Adults may not be interested in the affairs of their offspring or spend very little time with them, which encourages children to act inappropriately. After all, for a person there is nothing worse than indifference, especially when it comes to children. They try to attract the attention of adults by any means.

Similar problems arise in those families in which parents are inconsistent in their demands: mom and dad say opposite things, do not keep their promises, etc. In such families, even 1 child quickly begins to manipulate adults, and two children are generally able to turn life into a nightmare. And the parents themselves are to blame for this situation. All adult family members must agree on a common tactic for raising children.

How does mom feel?

Sometimes it is a pity for the parents of uncontrollable kids. Often, strangers unreasonably allow themselves to express their dissatisfaction with the mother of a young fidget, who cannot cope with her child. Of course, it is very easy to condemn someone when you have no reason to.

A woman faced with difficult behavior in her child may react differently. Her reaction depends, first of all, on her psychological characteristics. Some mothers react to stress with quite logical inhibition, and outwardly, this may seem to people as excessive calmness and even indifference. Other women, on the contrary, begin to carefully control their child. Both options are not very successful.

If the mother is ashamed of the behavior of the child, this is wrong. Of course, she is aware of the problem and is trying to influence the situation, looking for reasons in herself. But the child must be treated with love and understanding. Also erroneous is the behavior of those mothers who fully justify the actions of their children, writing off all the blame on teachers, educators, and those around them. Such a woman can form a very distorted view of reality in a child.

In any case, the surrounding people should be sympathetic to the mothers of children with problematic behavior.

Crisis 1-2 years

At almost any age, out-of-control behavior can be dealt with with the right approach. Out of control child in a year or two - this is not a cause for great concern. At such a tender age, babies can be influenced by any means: distract them with their favorite toys, sweets, interesting games. A number of requirements must be presented to the child, which he must fulfill: collect toys to the best of his ability, eat, sleep. The kid must clearly understand the word “no” and be aware of the prohibition.

Crisis 3-4 years

At 3-4 years old, children make their first attempts to learn independence, they try to do everything themselves. Little explorers climb everywhere in search of something unknown and new. If a child behaves well, he should certainly be praised and encouraged with a smile. But scolding the kids is not worth it, you need to gently direct them in the right direction.

Crisis 6-7 years

In 6-7 years there is an intensive development of cognitive activity of the child. Children begin to learn, enter a new regime and a huge society. The task of parents is to help the child to integrate into new team and learn to live in it. At this age, children receive their first serious communication lessons.

Teen Crisis

At the age of nine and older, hormonal changes begin, which in turn affect the behavior of the child. Students grow rapidly, develop, their interests change. Teenagers need to pay much more attention, it is very important for them to have the support of their parents and feel their understanding. Children need to be raised to be optimists. It is worth finding common hobbies and spending time together. And do not forget that you must be an authority for your son or daughter.

Basic Rules

If you are faced with childish uncontrollable behavior, then you should adhere to the following rules:

You must be consistent in your deeds, deeds and promises.
The child must clearly master the prohibitions.
It is necessary to communicate with children on an equal footing, respecting them and considering their opinion.
At any age, the child must observe the daily routine, this will help to instill discipline in him.
You can not yell at children and lecture them.
The important thing is communication. As much time as possible, you need to spend with children, being interested in their affairs and problems.

Instead of an afterword

If you are faced with uncontrollable behavior in your child, then you should think about the reasons for the situation. Attentive parents who devote a lot of time to their baby will be able to normalize behavior. But at the same time, do not forget that you are an example for your child, so try to be a worthy person to follow.

Good afternoon! I turn to you, it seems to me, with an unsolvable (for myself) question. My child, he is 8 years old, does not respond to anyone's remarks and requests, at least immediately, i.e. you have to repeat several times and in an urgent tone, if this is done in a calm tone, then this "song" is even longer. At home, I learned to live with it and take it for granted, but we constantly have problems now at school and in communication with peers for the same reason, strangers perceive this as arrogance, although I see that this is not so. In my opinion, this is some form of irresponsibility and social alienation, i.e. when we talk with him on this topic, he says that it was not even in his thoughts to offend anyone, he just wanted to or, on the contrary, didn’t want to. WHAT TO DO WITH IT? he always had this trait, he never understood quickly limiting words like “no”, “stop”, etc., all our efforts and attempts to teach him this in early childhood ran into an aggressive protest, then ignoring. Now this hopelessness frightens me, I don’t know what to do, he doesn’t have unconditional authorities, I mean people whom he listens unquestioningly, although at the same time he can be very attached to a person, but no one’s conversations and influences will lead to a result, Help me help him!

Thanks for the advice, but unfortunately, we went to karate for 2 years, it was very interesting and the coach was a real teacher, but you know, it also happened there, only the coach had the patience and the mind not to build a problem out of this, but when the time came for the competition , but they didn’t take him to them due to not being ready - he flatly refused to go to the section. Yes, and probably like many smart children, he quickly lights up on EVERYTHING)) and is ready to do everything, but at the first failures, interest disappears completely ..

Alexander, everything is in order with the feelings in our family)))) and I hug and kiss him more than once a day and say "I LOVE You" quite often)))) however, it does not cure. I do not disclaim responsibility for this phenomenon, but I really cannot figure out where I am making these mistakes - that's why I turn to professionals in this field for possible tips. And, unfortunately, it did not form for 8-11 years)) - it was originally, it’s just that all this time I was looking for options for adjustment, but so far this has not brought fruit. Attention was drawn to this both in the d-s and in the 1st grade - incl. with the involvement of psychologists in these institutions, just now I have lost faith in myself, namely that I am able to solve this situation, but the desire to help my son is ACUTE!