Why should we get married? Where should we get married? Marry a German

How not to marry a psycho Who is a normal man? This is an individual that is not found in nature by every girl. The remaining points of “normality” can be debated for a long time. Still, each of us has our own criteria. I propose to take the data as a starting point

Where should we really get married?

Self-deprecating about one’s own abilities, lack of pretensions in life.

Burning verb: Dictionary of folk phraseology. - Green Age. V. Kuzmich. 2000.

See what “Where should we get married, we should do it somehow” in other dictionaries:

Where should we really get married / would we like to somehow // I’ll really give it to you- (give permission to have sexual intercourse, surrender to a man; rude) about treating oneself as incapable of doing anything. important... Live speech. Dictionary of colloquial expressions

WHERE SHOULD WE GET MARRIED?- adj. The speaker believes that he is not capable of something important that is being discussed, is not worthy of being taken seriously... Explanatory dictionary of modern colloquial phraseological units and proverbs

get married- MARRIED: Where should we go out, we just have to joke somehow (or I’ll give it to you anyway). self-deprecation... Dictionary of Russian argot

Maria Nikolaevna (Grand Duchess)- This article is about the daughter of Nicholas II; about the daughter of Nicholas I, see: Maria Nikolaevna (daughter of Nicholas I). Maria Nikolaevna ... Wikipedia

Vera, Mr. "(Hero of Our Time")- See also Princess Ligovskaya’s relative by marriage. The only woman who, according to Pechorin, understood him completely, the memory of which will remain forever inviolable in his soul. According to Werner, she is pretty and of average height... ... Dictionary of literary types

Maria Nikolaevna

Maria Nikolaevna (daughter of Nicholas II)- This article is about the daughter of Nicholas II. About the daughter of Nicholas I, see: Maria Nikolaevna (daughter of Nicholas I) Maria Nikolaevna Grand Duchess Maria Nikolaevna, 1914 ... Wikipedia

Pushkin, Alexander Sergeyevich- - born on May 26, 1799 in Moscow, on Nemetskaya Street in Skvortsov’s house; died January 29, 1837 in St. Petersburg. On his father’s side, Pushkin belonged to an old noble family, descended, according to genealogies, from a descendant “from ... ...

Zhukovsky, Vasily Andreevich- - famous poet. ?. CHILDHOOD (1783-1797) The year of birth of Zhukovsky is determined differently by his biographers. However, despite the evidence of P. A. Pletnev and J. K. Grot, indicating the birth of J. in 1784, it must be considered, like J. himself... ... Large biographical encyclopedia

Yagishna was waiting for guests. The day before, the fat-bellied sisar brought a dispatch with a telegram from the City itself, in which it was reported that Yagishna should scrub the floors in the hut and bake more pies. Yagishna’s old friend, a witch known throughout the City, Vzumeya Makarovna, finally got ready to visit. That's what she said in a telegram - I'm really looking forward to meeting you! Yagishna had been busy with the housework since the morning.

Look how you scraped the floors! – Izba grunted with satisfaction. – I wish guests would come to you more often!

But the fact that? – Yagishna wrung out the rag and in one fell swoop threw water from the bucket directly onto the potato beds.

Otherwise we won’t get it from you! – The hut was clearly asking for itself.

Yagishna glared angrily somewhere at the ceiling, opened the oven door, relished the smell of ripening pies and sat down on the bench with satisfaction.

Where should we get married? - she tsked at the Izba.

Are you supposed to be waiting for your groom? - Izba scoffed.

Not in your best interest! – Yagishna snapped.

And why is that? - Izba did not let up.

And this is because if the groom turns out to be efficient and economical, he will immediately realize that living in such a wreck as you is cramped and inconvenient. And he will certainly start building another Hut. And you are trash! Like dilapidated and unsuitable housing.

The hut creaked offendedly, closed the shutters on the windows and fell silent.
- Okay, don't sulk! – Yagishna was not angry. - Open the windows, don’t make it dark here! Why should I marry? Because it is unnecessary, we don’t keep husbands on the farm! I'm waiting for my friend. It’s almost like we haven’t seen each other for three hundred years.

Girlfriend? “Izba was clearly delighted at the turn of the conversation. – Which one is this? From the Distant Swamps? Redhead like that? Does she always have tow in her left ear? Then why did you scrub the floors?

What are you talking about? Are you crazy? The kikimora Galyunya lives in the Far Swamps! What kind of friend is she to me? So, annoying friend,” Yagishna broke into a blissful smile. - I’m waiting for understanding!

And what? Good girlfriend? – The hut creaked ingratiatingly.

Passion, how good! And arrogant, and harmful to the point of being unlawful, and vengeful to the point of ridiculousness, and envious to the point of absurdity! And just like a viper - don’t bother! best friend and it is impossible to wish. For someone like this, scrubbing the floors is not a burden!

The hut slammed its shutters in bewilderment.

And you should have seen how beautiful she was! – Yagishna continued with inspiration. - The eyes are green, like water in a pool, the braid is long, woven into a spike, slender, like a young birch tree! Grooms in whole teams flocked to her.

Have you chosen at least one? – Izba timidly asked.

Where should we get married? She might have chosen, but the gentlemen faded under her pressure and fled! – Yagishna’s laugh was crumbly and grinding. – In general, we have a holiday, my dear Real Estate!

“That’s what I thought,” Izba muttered gloomily.

As a rule, Vzumeya Makarovna did not roam far from her city; she sat in a colorful tent in the city market and worked there as a fortune teller. She didn’t do big dirty tricks on anyone, she just did little magic. Basically, her clients were respectable ladies who still had not lost their ardor and desire to find their happiness. So Understanding promised them what she could from her generosity. Moreover, they are unsuccessful businessmen who have squandered the allocated money and are unsuccessfully trying to prove their worth. For Reason, they were like an unplowed field.

The witch Vzumeya has not seen her friend, Yaga Yaginishna, no matter how you remember, for three hundred years. And then just the occasion turned up: Vzumeina’s niece Elsa unexpectedly came to the City from Abroad. Once upon a time there, this same Elsa married some kind of lazy troll and drove off to Abroad. Of course, she tried to dissuade her niece as best she could: “Where are you going?” You'll be lost in these foreign countries! But Elsa, of course, didn’t listen to her aunt and left. As it turned out later, her husband, Elzin, was lost. And Elsa herself settled down in some bar to make cocktails and avert her eyes tax office, fortunately heredity allowed. So she got by, didn’t suffer much, and didn’t want to go back to the Dark Kingdom from her Abroad. It was just longing for her old aunt that prompted Elsa to come visit.

And Wisely, in turn, realized that Elsa had relatives in the Dark Kingdom, in the Distant Swamps - her cousin, the kikimora Galyunya, so it would be nice to immediately visit her friend of her youth, Yagishna, and visit Elzina’s sister. This is so that Elsa, in her Abroad, remembers her relatives.

You would know, Elsa, how beautiful Yagishna was! – Of course, I was packing my suitcase in a hurry. – It doesn’t get any more beautiful! The eyes are huge, the eyelashes are long! And a nose! A sight to behold, not a nose – small, neat, slightly snub-nosed! She had no end to her gentlemen.

And what, auntie, is your friend married, or what?

Married? - I started thinking about it. - This is unlikely... Where should we really get married! Guess no husband can stand her! Yagishnu something.
- What is it, aunt? You said that there was no end to the gentlemen?

And I say - not a single one could fight back! Very savvy, our Yagishna,” the fortune teller chuckled. - But men don’t tolerate this. Well, that means the woman was smarter than them. I already know!

Oh! Aunt! But it’s not necessary to be more reasonable! – Elsa suddenly realized. – It’s very good when the gentleman himself is smart! I had such a gorgeous suitor here just now! Some very secret doctor at our Foreign Embassy. Call Vitaly.

How? “I suddenly became wary. - Vitaly? This is a karmic name, Elsa. Stay away from him. And the profession is karmic. I'm telling you this for sure.

Why the karmic name, auntie? And the profession is the most popular, it seems...

You understand a lot! - Reasonably whispered. - Listen here. Last year, only one came into my tent, not Vital, but Vitalik, but everything was the same. And not an embassy doctor, but the personal doctor of secret test pilots. But also smart! Aesculapius! Yes, apparently, it was so classified that it completely disappeared.

How did it go missing? – Elsa batted her eyelashes. - Lost?

That’s it, to hell,” she modestly lowered her gaze and straightened a strand of hair that had escaped from under her colorful scarf. - What’s that... He came into the tent, which means he came to see me. I look - a respectable, personable man...
- Yeah! With a belly and a bald head! Exactly? – Elsa broke into a blissful smile.

I ask, what do you want? – continued Vzumeya. - Tell your fortune? Ali what love spell to make? For fate? Or for money?

Well? What is he doing? Such a respectable man probably has both destiny and money in their place?

And he says, they say, money doesn’t interest me at all, I don’t even count it! And fate, they say, bypasses me itself, and all because of my special secrecy. Tell fortunes, he says, for good luck to me, Vzumeya Makarovna. Because I am the personal physician of space test pilots who fly to the very stars, and my assignments are always very secret and sudden. That’s why I can’t, they say, find my happiness.

Well, what about you, aunt?

What about me? She spread out her ears, glued her eyes to him, and she became all faint from such sudden happiness! – I took a deep breath. – I told him fortune and fortune. I guessed everything as it should be, don’t think about it! He was blessed with a long road and a heartfelt interest. Stupid me, I believed it myself! But where should we get married?

Well, what a trifle, aunt! – Elsa snorted disdainfully. – A long journey and a heartfelt interest always fall out for you, no matter how you throw your cards! What's next?

And nothing! – I sensibly latched the jam-packed suitcase. “Issho, for a month or two he came to my tent. And then he said that he was urgently called to treat secret pilots, promised to return for me soon, and since then he disappeared...

Lost?

Lost! Let's go already, otherwise we'll miss the train!

They went outside. She was puffing herself up, but she was dragging a pot-bellied, heavy suitcase behind her, while Elsa, like a goat, clicked her tall heels on the asphalt, holding in her hands a small, stunningly green handbag and a surprisingly crimson umbrella.

Aunt! – Elsa looked with regret at Vzumeina’s efforts. - Well, why do you take so many things with you?

What do you mean why??? – Really, in a fit of indignation, she straightened up to her full height. – I’m going, one might say, three to nine lands away! What if there’s an occasion and I don’t have anything to change into?

What's the reason, aunt? Are you going to see your friend?

There is a reason for it to happen unexpectedly. Besides, we’ll also visit your sister, kikimora Galyunya,” she grunted wisely and picked up her suitcase again. - What if there turns out to be some kind of gentleman, and I’m not all dressed up?

Where should we get married? – Elsa snorted. - But keep in mind, Auntie, I won’t carry your suitcase!

*****
The train puffed, whistled and rolled off cheerfully into the foggy morning, leaving a confused Elsa on an empty platform in the middle of the forest with a green reticule and a crimson umbrella, and sweating from the excessive weight of an unliftable suitcase, I mean. However, the platform - this is too strong a word in relation to the sand and clay embankment, soaked in the rain, along which the rails ran into the forest thicket - almost the only sign of civilization for the next hundred miles.

It was deep autumn outside. Yellowed foliage lay like a golden carpet on the ground, the forest crown noticeably thinned out. And only the fir trees of the dark green guard stood on their constant watch. Completely muddy, the road lazily skirted a rickety hut with windows sagging to the very ground and an open door rattling in the wind, above which stood a nailed-down board with the inscription: “Shish Station.”

I told you, aunt, that you should have notified your friend so that she could meet us,” Elsa opened her umbrella with a loud click. – And you – “Surprise! Surprise!" Here's a surprise for you!

She was understandably angry, but stubbornly remained silent.

From the doorway of the Shish station, as if from a yawning abyss, a small, shaggy and incredibly fragrant man appeared. A well-worn, tattered quilted jacket, dangling from it like a scarecrow, disproportionately large, Brown the palms reached almost to the knees, and the tarpaulin boots shuffled along the floor like skis. A crooked, smoking pipe was sticking out of the man’s mouth, emitting that same overwhelming aroma.

Aunt! Will you change clothes? – Elsa was quick to sarcastically. - It seems that the occasion has happened!

Reasonably, she pointedly ignored her niece’s ostentatious malice, collected all the remaining supportive notes in her voice and waved her hand towards the doorway of the Shish station:

Hey! Dearest!
The fragrant little man, as if he was just waiting for an invitation, immediately pulled an awkward felt hat over his head and jumped out into the rain. He gazed at the immense figure with delight, while simultaneously glancing sideways at her pot-bellied suitcase:

Ass? So you went under the roof, or what? Are you dry? Why get wet in vain?

Elsa, without thinking, hobbled on her heels, as if on stilts, to the doorway, folded her umbrella and disappeared inside.

Y-y-y-y! – the man tried to move Vzumein’s suitcase, but to no avail, since he himself was hardly taller.

Then Vzumeya decisively removed the zealous assistant from business, grabbed the handle of the suitcase with both hands and, with all her might, pulled it towards herself. The suitcase made a drawn-out slurping sound, but did not move from its place.

E-eh-ma! – the man extended the suitcase in time. - Sucked in!

I took a deep breath and pulled the handle harder. Shake! The pen remained in her hands! Plop! With all her considerable mass, the venerable witch sat down in a puddle!

Half an hour later, after wallowing in the sticky slurry, all dirty in soaked clay, Vzumeya Makarovna was sitting at the table of a small closet, securely wrapped in a cotton blanket and enjoying hot currant tea with lingonberry jam. Her and Elzina’s shoes, carefully placed by the owner under the stove damper, were also drying after such a wet adventure. And behind the door of the closet, in the waiting room of the Shish station, on seven rows of stretched strings, a strange piece of junk from a pot-bellied suitcase with a torn off handle was swaying. It should be noted that neither Vzumeya nor Elsa noticed the extremely pungent aroma that the hospitable host’s smoke emitted.

And you, my dear, who will you be? – Understanding finally inquired, stretching with satisfaction.

Why! Since the station is Shish, that means I’m a big shot in it,” the man coughed, but did not let go of the pipe from his mouth. - They call it Paramoshka.

Bump? – the venerable witch yawned tiredly. - Little Demon, then?

So, someone has to do minor work, right? – the man became embarrassed and blushed. “At first you think so, that you’re a little Demon, and then you get confused.” But if I hadn’t been on duty, who would have gotten you out of the puddle?

Come on, “I got it,” Elsa poured boiling water into the cup. - But, of course, there would definitely be nowhere to dry...

Do you know, big shot Paramoshka, where my friend, Yaga Yaginishna, lives? How far away?

Yagishna? Y-y-y-y... How to say?... It will be about fifteen versts on foot from here,” the smoking pipe miraculously did not fall out of Paramoshka’s mouth.

Come on! – Elsa hiccupped. - Let's go! Have you gone crazy? How can I walk fifteen miles on foot? In heels? Do you have taxis here?

What? – Paramoshka opened his mouth, but did not drop the phone again. - No one can walk here except Pups! And no one else will pass. You'll get there on it!

The baby doll turned out to be a huge pig, with stiff black stubble on the back of the neck, powerful curved legs, a wet snout and tiny red eyes.

Razumya and Elsa, with frozen faces, stared at the cheerful boar trampling under the window.

“I won’t go on THIS,” Elsa whispered with only her lips.

But I don’t have another! – Paramoshka burst into a benevolent smile. - Don't be afraid, girl! Baby ishsho didn’t drop anyone!

I'll be the first! “I was about to get ready to go out, but her hotel dress, chosen in advance for the occasion of the long-awaited meeting, stood up like a stake and crunched like overcooked crackers - apparently, the clay was heavily kneaded at the Shish station.

“We’ll have to change clothes, auntie, even if you’re here,” Elsa grinned. - This is exactly what it is - a reason!

Where should we get married? – Vzumeya snapped, and went to remove from the rope what had managed to dry.

The bathhouse at the goblin Akimka is famous throughout the area. One might say - for the entire Dark Kingdom! It is spacious and well built, and its cleanliness is maintained in the most careful manner. Akimka’s bathhouse is miraculous, it completely eliminates any ailment. And he always gathers soulful company—that’s why Akimka made the dressing room wide—drink kvass after the steam room, play cards, have a heart-to-heart talk with someone. Dear, dear! And everyone has long been accustomed to the fact that Gorynych lives behind the bathhouse. Even if Gorynych is alone, this is already a company. But the Snake doesn’t like to steam. He plays more and more on harmony.

That day, as soon as Akimka had heated the bathhouse, Mitrofanich, a werewolf from the Far Swamps, appeared on the threshold:
- So, Akimushka, is the bathhouse heated?

Extinguished, Mitrofan Mitrofanich! Why not! – Akimkina’s red beard spread over her shoulders with a wide smile. - Just in time! Why so concerned?

That's it, by the way! – the werewolf winked slyly and took out a purple bottle from his knapsack. – I created the infusion myself! Healing! Infused with herbs and honey blossoms! I, Akimushka, have fallen ill due to these rains. Let me, I think, take a look at the bathhouse while my Galyunia is not at home!

Akimka smiled wider. Because he knew that kikimora Galunya did not leave her Mitrosha without supervision. No matter what he turned out to be - a forest animal, a migratory bird, and an inconspicuous mosquito - it was all the same, Galyunya found him and certainly brought him home.

And my Galyunya, - Mitrofanich saw Akimkina’s mood. – Today, by the way, I also soaped up at Yagishna’s. She says that a friend from the city drove up to her and took Galyunina’s cousin Elzochka, who came from abroad on leave, with her. Now you don’t have to wait for her, my Galyuny, until nightfall!

Akimka was just about to say something enthusiastically and joyfully, when on the path, behind the bathhouse, Koschey the Immortal suddenly appeared with a dejected grimace on his face.

Uncle Koschey! Why are you so sad? - The goblin did not like passion when someone fell into despondency.

So I went to see Yagishna... - Koschey tried to collect his thoughts. - Her pies are piping hot from three miles away... And she told me - Go away, they say, we are having a bachelorette party today!

How is this a bachelorette party? Is there a room in the Yagishna girl’s house? – Akimka scratched his beard in bewilderment.

I know! – the werewolf Mitrosha suddenly became happy. - This means that they, women, will only crack pies, without men! That is, without us! And my kikimora is there!

Then this is not a bachelorette party, it’s just a complete bachelorette party for you! – Koshay was indignant. - And pirogues, passion is like hunting...

And if so, - Akimka frowned. - If they are having this same bachelor party, and they don’t want to share pies with us, then let’s have our own bachelor party! And what? In the bathhouse, huh?

So why did I come? – Mitrosha jumped up and down. - That’s what I’m telling you about! I have a little honey infusion! Let's sit and play some cards, huh? And so without the woman's squealing!

Right! – Akimka was happy. - The bathhouse is heated, there is plenty of kvass, potatoes with mushrooms are in the oven, salty milk mushrooms and cabbage are in the cellar! I'll bring the cards right now! We can keep ourselves company without Yagishna and her friends! I want, of course, without pies too...

And I brought some raspberry jam! – Koschey perked up. – As it is, we’ll cope! And I can’t stand women’s squealing since childhood...

*****
The sun, barely peeking through the gaps in the gray clouds, had already turned towards evening. “It’s taking a long time for Razumeyushka to get there,” thought Yagishna, mechanically moving the cups on the table from place to place. - How far is it to the station? Fifteen versts, no more. Like there's nothing to do. And where does she wander?

A hysterical squeal in the yard distracted Yagishna from his thoughts. In addition, the squeal was mixed with choking, zealous grunting and loud slapping. Yagishna suspected something was wrong and went out onto the porch.

From the edge of the forest, scattering lumps of stuck together earth in all directions, the excited pig Pups rushed straight to Yagishna's hut with an inspired gallop. On the back of his neck, rolling around like jellied meat in a wide bowl, sat an incredible-sized woman with disheveled, seven-times dyed hair, bulging eyes and rosy cheeks. With fingers as thick as sausages, she grabbed Pups' stubble with a death grip and squealed no less than the pig himself. Behind the screaming aunt, her knobby and long legs, like poles, spread out in different directions, with one hand grabbing her aunt’s conventional waist, and with the other, holding the open crimson umbrella with incredible effort, a thin lady with a disheveled red head of hair on her head howled loudly.

Finally! – Yagishna rubbed her palms with pleasure. – My Reasonable One has arrived!

Is this the one as slender as a young birch tree? With a long braid? – Izba grunted.

Tsits! What would you understand? – Yagishna growled in response.

The bobblehead slowed down with all four legs at the same time, plowing half of the garden for Yagishna. Wisely and Elsa, by inertia, flew forward and rolled head over heels onto the withered leaves collected in a picturesque yellow pyramid.

With incredible efforts, she climbed out from under the damp, wet heap of leaves, and with the grace of an airship in a narrow gorge, climbed onto the porch. The hugs were strong and plentiful.
“Damn you, old galosh! – She deliberately wiped her dirty palms on her friend’s back. - Look! She wrinkled and writhed, but the ribs! What a washboard!”

“Look, I grabbed it with my hands!” It’s okay, for such an occasion there’s no shame in changing clothes,” Yagishna unsuccessfully tried to reach with her hands to the middle of Mind’s back. - And where did you get blown to? I’ve eaten so much goodness that I can’t hug you with three girths!”

Finally, the friend’s embrace weakened, and Yagishna accidentally caught her eye on Elsa, who, shaking off the leaves that had stuck to all places, absentmindedly looked after Pups, who was running away towards the Shish station.

Makarovna! What's wrong with you? You won’t find it in the dark and with a rake! Isn’t it Galyunina’s little sister? Elzochka?

I wish you good health, Yaga Yaginishna,” Elsa, without letting go of her crimson umbrella, sat down in a deep curtsy, and then squeaked towards Vzumeina’s back, “Auntie!” What did you tell me about your small, slightly snub nose?

Oh! Why are we jostling on the threshold? – Trying to change the subject, Yagishna opened the door wide. - Come into the house, dear guests!

The smell of pies was delicious. No one in the whole world knows how to bake such pies as Yaga Yaginishna bakes! Here you have a kulebyak with cod, here you have a pie with lingonberries! And of course - cheesecakes! With cottage cheese, with strawberries, with blackberries! Ruddy poppy seed roll, shanezhki with sour cream and potatoes! And you can’t even count all the little things – with mushrooms, with cabbage, with apples!

An hour and a half later, washed, combed and entirely wrapped in Yagishna’s checkered blanket, Vzumeya Makarovna relaxed in a wicker rocking chair and devoured another pie on both cheeks.

It’s a shame you don’t have anything to change into! – the chair creaked strainedly.

And you, auntie, should drive us to Shish station! – Elzina’s shock of hair, wrapped in nylon ribbons, bounced funny from her rattling laughter. – You have a suitcase full of junk there! At least change your clothes all day!

Yes,... - I didn’t appreciate the joke and, taking a deep breath, added. - And the hotel dresses are there... In the suitcase... Only the handle came off...

What a disaster! Pen! – Yagishna shrugged. - Paramoshka will fix it right away, your pen. He is a handy man.

What's true is true! Handy! Your arms are dangling all the way to your knees! – Elsa rattled from her corner.

And this,” Yagishna smiled condescendingly. - This, Elzochka, depends on what you are looking for in life. If the standard of male beauty is the standard of male beauty, then Paramoshka doesn’t fit here, he’s an unprepossessing little man, that’s true. But at the same time, you need to keep in mind that you will have to do everything in the house yourself with the standards. But if Paramoshka is washed and scrubbed properly, you don’t need to wish for anything better - our Paramoshka has golden hands.

And that's right, that's just the way he is good master? – I understandably fidgeted in my chair with interest. - And in my tent the light keeps going out... And the door is flying off its hinges...

And if your Paramoshka, this very big shot, is so efficient,” Elsa pursed her lip. - Why didn’t you, Yaga Yaginishna, take him to your place?

And for me, my dear, the light in the hut does not go out, and the doors are held tightly on their hinges! – Yagishna snapped, and then added sarcastically. - Where should we get married?

The rumble of an overturned bucket in the entryway interrupted the sweet female conversation. After a series of curses, a squat woman with a thin long nose, nimble hands and a gorgeous bust appeared on the threshold.

Oh! Be healthy, ladies! – the aunt broke into a gold-toothed smile. - Yagishna! And why do you have all this stuff in your entryway? There's nowhere to go!

And without waiting for an answer, looking for Elsa with her eyes, she whined loudly with a howl:

My dear Elzyunechka! My lost child! My beloved sister! And how thin she is! And the little eyes have sunken in! And on the head! Damn I was looking for a penny! Let me at least hug you!

Sister Galyunechka! – Elsa tried in vain to free herself from her family’s embrace. - Sister Galyunechka! Yes, sit down next to me! Are you tired on the road?

Why are you sitting alone? - Kikimora Galyunya finally released Elsa and plopped down on the bench. - Without men?

And here we have... a bachelorette party! Here! – Yagishna took out a clean cup from the shelf. - Yes, and you, I see, seem to have run away from your Mitrofanich. Better take some pies, Galyunya.

Red from a couple of Koscheys once again handed over cards that had become damp in the bathhouse:

E-ehhh! Now I would like to paint the bullet, but here we are sitting here in the bathhouse, playing the fool...

Akimka’s dressing room was nice and spacious. The benches are smooth, there are no gaps! In the middle is a round table, polished like a mirror. And as many as four chairs with curved backs and ornate carvings on the legs.

Yes, your bullet gave up here, Uncle Koschey! “Akimka, apart from playing like a fool, never played anything else.” – For me, it’s very good without her.

“For me,” Mitrofanich agreed. - It’s good everywhere where my Galyunia doesn’t stick her nose.

I don’t even know where she doesn’t stick it,” Koschey grinned, covering the deck with his trump ace. - There are none of yours!
- Well, Uncle Koschey! – Akimka slammed his palm on the table with frustration. – You win all the time! How do you look at cards?

Live like mine and you'll be lucky. Eh, hunting for pies... That's Yagishna! Go, he says, to the bathhouse! We're having a bachelorette party today, he says! And the pies for half the kingdom probably smell...

And why are you so upset? – the werewolf Mitroshka threw the cards on the table: there remained three sixes and a jack of diamonds. - Let them sit at Yagishna’s, sharpening their lasses. Well, what should women do? Nothing practical, just talk.

Yeah! – Koshey wrapped himself in Akimkin’s bathrobe and leaned back in his chair. “If they had offered you Yagishin pies, you would probably have run away right away?”

And if Galyunya was there, he wouldn’t have escaped! Then I won’t even have any pies!

Listen, Mitrofanich, but if you’re so afraid of your Galyuny, why won’t you leave her? – Koschey winked slyly with his left eye.

You see, she’s very persistent..,” Mitroshka sighed. - No matter how many times I left and hid, she still figured me out. And under a snag, and in a swamp, and in Bear Gati... I just didn’t turn around! Bug-eyed frog, squirrel, horned elk. Even a bear! And she, my Galyuny, immediately recognized me and turned me into human form. And how strict is your general! They couldn’t say a word!

Mitrofan Mitrofanich! – Akimka’s ears even itched with indignation. - And if everything is so strict, why are you tossing and turning to her again?

And I’m wasting away without her,” a blissful smile spread across the crumpled, wrinkled face of the werewolf Mitrosha. - Stop itching! And I look at her and keep thinking how beautiful she was! Golden braids, blue eyes, honey-colored voice... It was she who later became a kikimora, but earlier she was a swimsuit, a forest maiden, that means...

It’s always like that with girls,” Koschey creaked his knuckles. “At first she’s your beloved beauty, and then she’s a perfect kikimora.” Only fools are lucky in marriage: they marry a pimpled frog, and then she turns into a princess. But for everyone else it’s the other way around. It’s just that they’re hungry for pies, which is probably why men get married...

You, Uncle Koschey, will find fault with the girls! – Akimka was indignant. - Maybe it’s not their fault at all? Mitrofanich himself says that he took a beauty, a forest maiden, as his wife! But how did he allow her to turn into a kikimora?

You’re right, Akimka, why not..- Mitrosha poured kvass into the mug. - Living with a werewolf, any woman will become a kikimora...

“For some reason, our bachelor party is turning out to be kind of boring,” Koschey straightened up and crunched his bones. “This is probably because Mitrofanich and I are no longer capable of the brave fun.” One Akimka among us is well done!

And that’s true, Akimushka! Amuse us old people with your brave amusements! – Mitroshka picked up. - For example, can you squeeze out a bucket full with one hand? Come on! Let's go to the yard!

“You look like a little boy, Mitrofan Mitrofanich,” Akimka blushed. - Why bother squeezing it out? A bucket?

The goblin, as he was, barefoot, in a long linen shirt, padded with his bucket straight to the lake. Koschey and Mitrosha looked after him, grinning. A light rain was drizzling, slapping the fallen leaves as if they were palms. And this made the approaching twilight seem even closer.

And what about our Gorynych? Can’t hear some of his harmony today? - Mitrosha looked behind the bathhouse, from where monotonous snoring and whistling could be heard. - The Serpent is sleeping! It gives!

Well, so... Autumn is just around the corner. And Gorynych is in hibernation. Now you won’t hear its harmony until spring.

Akimka, meanwhile, was already plopping back along the walkway, but the plopping of his bare feet under the weight of a huge bucket full to the brim became more weighty. Having reached the bathhouse, he placed the bucket at the threshold, rubbed his palms, stretched his white-toothed smile to his very ears and exclaimed invitingly:

Well, why is there some kind of bucket there! In! Look!

With one hand, the goblin picked up a huge bucket of water and raised it above his head. The water didn't even splash out of the bucket. Several times Akimka raised and lowered the bucket without visible effort. Mitroshka and Koshchei just batted their eyes.

Yessss...” Koschey drawled slowly. - This is what I understand - good fun!

Eh, you have no competitor, Akimka! – Mitroshka was wrapped in a bath towel, hiding from the cold autumn wind.

And so? Look! – Akimka raised the bucket above his head and began tossing it from hand to hand.

Akimka! Don't worry! – Koschey took a step back. - It’s not exactly the hour...

The bucket immediately, in time with his words, touched the edge of the cornice and overturned on Akimka’s head. Snorting and spitting, the goblin took the bucket off his head. Wiping his face with his fingers, he laughed:
- I miscalculated a little! And here's another! Look!

There was an old forged mace near the bathhouse. The mayor used it to prop the door so that it wouldn’t open in the wind. With zealous fervor, the goblin grabbed this very mace with both hands, turned around himself three times and launched it into the blue-gray twilight sky. The mace flew upward with a whistle.

E-eh! Good job! – Mitrofanich sniffed. - You are clever, Akimka!

Boommm! – was heard high behind the clouds. And a bright flash illuminated the forest. And then, with a hysterical howl, something quickly flashed across the sky. It smelled like smoke.

Hit someone..,” Akimka muttered in confusion.

Who can be killed here? Unless he caught a star,” Koschey shivered from the cold. - So, he organized the starfall. We've had enough of the good-natured fun for now, Akimushka. Let's go to the steam room, tea, otherwise you'll catch a cold! But now there’s even more of a desire for pies...
... Said Ali Abutalib ibn Mahmud, a venerable genie from another, eastern Abroad, that day, to his misfortune, decided to take a shortcut. In order not to fly for three whole days over the Endless Sea, which was also very stormy, Said Ali sent his brand new, gold-embroidered flying carpet exactly over the Dark Kingdom.

Thick clouds like a dense blanket hid the panorama of impenetrable forests and endless swamps from the genie’s gaze. The shining flying carpet smoothly glided above all, even the grayest, clouds, drowning in the crimson-orange rays of the setting sun. Lush, cotton-like clouds grew around like marvelous castles, letting through the enchanting colors of the sunset.

“My flight is very fast!” Said Ali rejoiced. “Soon, soon Said will be able to do everything!” And this Dark Kingdom is not at all scary!”

Suddenly something heavy and spiky, with a noise and howl, tore apart both the gray clouds and the rainbow-cream clouds! Before the genie even had time to blink an eye, this thing that flew from below punched a large round hole in his carpet, then froze for a moment and rushed back down with double speed. The carpet began to smoke, tilted, howled offendedly and began to fall rapidly.

Oh Allah! – only the frightened genie had time to exclaim.

The candles burned brightly and promisingly. Shadows glided in their flickering in bizarre silhouettes, blurred into the corners, clung to the low windows of Yagshishina’s Izba, and huddled behind the stove.

Do you remember, Yagishna, how you and I first flew to the Sabbath? A? Quietly! – the well-fed Vzumeya was relieved by the warmth and smell of honey herbs, with which the tea was infused. – And you tell me, don’t look around! Let's go straight to where the Foreign Witches gather!

Yeah! I was stupid in my youth! – Yagishna changed the candles in the candelabra. “I kept thinking that they there, in foreign countries, were wiser than us.” I thought that their witches were both more powerful and stronger. But no! They're just married. And the more married, the more powerful! Everything depends on the husband’s wallet. And if you touch upon any magical act, they can’t do anything against ours!

But you, Yaga Yaginichna, correctly notice! “Elsa even forgot about the pie.” - All we talk about is husbands! What good are they, husbands, if they have no intelligence or memory in their heads?

“It’s you, Elzyunechka, who are so angry,” Galyunya said from behind the stove. - Because your own husband disappeared! For every woman, and even for every witch, family replaces everything!

Well, yes,” Yagishna grinned. - But before you get one, you should really think about what is more important to you - everything or family?

Don't worry, baby! – Vzumeya stood up for her niece. - He's gone, he's gone! Let's go, let's go! Apparently there was not much need.

Yes, what are you talking about, auntie! - Elsa blushed like a poppy. - But I’m not grieving. I manage well without him. I'm not some kind of kikimora! I am a real witch of noble blood!

Oh you! Auntie! – Galyunya did not let up. “I would never let my Mitroshka go to waste!”

So you spend your whole life chasing him and running through the forest! – Razumeya swayed in her chair.

But not anyhow, but in marriage! – Galyunya was offended and pouted her lip.

“Where should we get married?” Yagishna firmly decided to change the topic. - So, Elsa, what are you doing in your Abroad these days?

Elsa was obviously flattered by Yagishna’s attention - she blushed, hastily removed the nylon ribbons from her dried hair and began to look like a disheveled red sheep or a disheveled but enthusiastic poodle.

Well, you know, Yaga Yaginichna, I create unique cocktails,” Elsa’s awkward and angular shoulders protruded from under any clothing. – For example, the elixir of youth for an hour...

For an hour? And that's all? – Of course, with all its mass it gurgled under Yagish’s checkered blanket. - And what can you accomplish in an hour?

So it’s just a matter of chance, auntie! Everything in this world is ruled by chance! Don't you know?

Chance rules everything,” Yagishna thought for a second. - It's right. Would you like to know who is in charge?...

Or here's another! – Elsa got excited. - Love potion! Yaga Yaginichna! Do you have the most common mint?

Yes, as much as you like! – Yagishna nodded her head to the corner, where bunches of dried herbs hung along the wall.

Elsa quickly rushed behind the stove, and after some time, presented a faceted glass with a cloudy greenish-brown liquid for everyone to see at the bachelorette party.

Here. “The one who drinks this cocktail,” she said with undisguised pride in her deed. - And at the same time he will look into the eyes of the object of his adoration, until the end of time he will adore this object and will not go to waste!

Why didn’t you figure out this compote for your husband? – Galyuny hissed with annoyance.

That’s what you are, Elsa,” Razumeya looked thoughtfully at the glass. - Better put it on the table. All the same, there is no one to screw around here and there is no need to screw it up. There is no suitable case. And even if there was, I wouldn’t even have anything to change into!

In general, the situation is hopeless, women! – Galyunya giggled quietly.

Usually we call a situation hopeless, the way out of which we do not like,” Yagishna took a deck of cards from her pocket. - Come on, Reasonable! My beloved girlfriend! Show us your skills, tell us everything as it is, about our girlhood life!

The cards lay on the table evenly and confidently, circle after circle. Having understood, Makarovna half crawled out from under the blanket and leaned both elbows on the table, enthusiastically and selflessly playing fortune-telling solitaire. Everyone looked at her with great impatience. Finally, the venerable witch chuckled with satisfaction, crawled back into the blanket, ran her amber green eyes over the faces frozen in anticipation and, smiling mysteriously, said:

Now I’ll tell you the real truth about all of us! Listen up, girls! Cards, not like us, they don’t know how to lie or flatter...

But you are a master! - Yagishna inserted.

I understood, as if I had not heard the malicious voice of my friend. She looked at the cards, her eyes sparkled like emerald stones! Such shine and shine appeared in them! And sitting at the table was no longer a fat woman of advanced years, but a majestic and powerful sorceress who knew a lot about her business.

Start with me, Understanding Makarovna! From me! - Galyuny jumped out from behind the stove, pushed everyone aside with her elbows and stuck her nose between the cups on the table.

Why talk so much about you? – I deliberately moved three cards to the left. - A long journey and a heartfelt interest!

Elsa giggled quietly, covering her mouth with her hand, but Reason did not pay attention to it:

You have only one heartfelt interest, Galyunya. Werewolf Mitroshka! And you protect it better than the eye. That’s why the road is long, there’s only so much interest around it.

And so that some people don’t giggle,” the fortune teller continued, looking intently at her niece. – I’ll start with myself! So we’ll check it out, we’ll see... But I’m faced with a long, bumpy road... Yes, the interest is from the heart. Though unpretentious, but very, very reliable.

Yagishna and Elsa looked at each other and laughed together.

Aunt! You have a heartfelt interest in the future, and you are not in disguise! Wrapped in a blanket! – Elsa bleated through her laughter.

And to you, my dear niece, this is what I’ll tell you,” she pointed her plump finger at the cards. – For you, everything will turn out the other way around: first, a heartfelt interest, and then a long road, even to Abroad! But first there will be a direct blow to you!
Yagishna, no longer able to contain her laughter, sank onto the bench.

Well, and for you, my dear and beloved friend... - the fortune teller continued calmly, but her words were interrupted by a deafening whistle.

The door swung open with a bang, and a decent-looking man in an embroidered gold, silk robe, a velvet turban and funny shoes with their toes turned up flew into the house on a smoking magic carpet. At full speed, he knocked Elsa off her feet, slid off the carpet, cracked his forehead on the table and fell dead.

Here’s a direct blow for you,” Vzumeya whispered in confusion.

It couldn’t be straighter,” Elsa breathed, rubbing the purple bump on her forehead. - Who is he? Doesn’t look like ours...

Come on, women, let's put him on the bench! “We need a doctor,” Galyunya began to fuss. - How will he die?

Yagishna splashed water from a bucket onto the smoking magic carpet and looked critically at the stranger:

Why will he die? Well, a bump on the forehead, so what? Look, Elsa has exactly the same one - and nothing!

But the uninvited guest showed no signs of life.

A doctor, it’s all the same, it’s necessary, - Mindfully, she held the blanket on herself with both hands. - Only the real one, so that he is not just a doctor, but a real physician!

Yagishna stared questioningly at her friend, then took out a huge porcelain dish from the chest, took an apple from the table and gently pushed it with her palm:

Come on, gift from overseas, show us this very doctor!
The apple rolled across the dish, faster and faster with each circle. And soon on the porcelain surface one could see an already middle-aged man in a white robe and with satin ribbon over the shoulder, on which “Aesculapius” was written in gold letters.

Will this one do? - Yagishna asked and, having received an approving nod from her friend, clapped her hands three times.

Vitaly Borisovich Kastryulya worked at the clinic as a local therapist. He knew his job well, but always believed that his work and merits were underestimated by management. He saw himself as a venerable luminary of medicine somewhere in the capital's institute; every evening before going to bed he counted his unwritten academic works, of which, in pipe dreams, he built entire shelves. But in fact, he was content with the area where he had been wandering around with great diligence for thirty-five years - treating runny noses, measuring blood pressure and writing out many prescriptions, on which he put the personal stamp of “Doctor Pan”.

The surname was the second injustice in life for Vitaly Borisovich after his failed authority in medical science. Well, whatever one may say, even the faceless “Doctor Ivanov” sounds much more decent than the individual “Doctor Pan”. And only the one who owns it knows how many jokes and offensive barbs such a surname entails! A saucepan, a ladle, a china shop, a cook's dream - this is the most harmless thing that was offered by others. Needless to say, such a name practically destroyed the great medical luminary in Vitaly Borisovich! In fact, the phrase “Dr. Pan's research concept” initially did not foreshadow its serious perception.

The third injustice committed by fate in relation to Vitaly Borisovich is women. Dr. Pan's appearance never gave him a reason to be the favorite of the fair half. Loose and heavy from a young age, he became even heavier and looser with age. Thick hair, which previously at least somehow adorned Vitaly Borisovich’s high forehead, are now incredibly thin and gray. What about hair! Even fashionable jeans no longer changed the essence of the matter - they treacherously slid down from his round belly protruding forward. In connection with all these depressing indicators, the age of the subject of Dr. Pan's personal interests has also grown noticeably. The new laboratory assistant pronounced the verdict when she exclaimed enthusiastically:

- Vitaly Borisovich! You look so much like my grandfather!

And now this anniversary! Just think - sixty years, and all around are the same corridors, the same magazines, the same recipes! And nothing more! The team, of course, tried their best to make him, Dr. Pan, a holiday. They even hung a ribbon over the shoulder - “Aesculapius”! Pink with gold letters! But no one, none of the women looked at him with devotedly loving eyes...

After the noisy celebration, Vitaly Borisovich slowly walked along the empty corridor. Colleagues fled to their homes without pausing or taking a breath. “Congratulations on how you got rid of it! So what do I do now? Looking at your peers? – the tragedy in the mind of Doctor Pan grew into an apocalypse. - They're all scary! No, I can’t look after old women!” “Oh, if I had the appearance of an actor from Hollywood, no one would have noticed how old I am! – consciousness was looking for excuses. – When I was in Foreign countries on a tour package, I met one of our emigrants there... What’s her name? Elsa, I think? But this is not a reason to serious relationship! We had to spend the night somewhere. I stayed and it will be!” “What about the fortune teller in the square? – Vitaly Borisovich even cheered up. – Immense Madame Understanding! And then I just needed to hide somewhere from the importunity of one almost elderly doctor! How old is she? Oh yes! She is only three years younger than me. But what difference does it make? “And it’s necessary! How easily they both believed that I was the personal physician of space test pilots and secret ambassadors! – thoughts finally came into order. - Eh! If I were like that, would I start talking to them? Gullible fools!

For some reason I suddenly felt very dizzy. "Strange. There was very little champagne,” Vitaly Borisovich leaned against the wall. “Such severe dizziness and tinnitus...”

Three pops - either in the ears, or somewhere outside the window. And suddenly the hospital corridor began to narrow, shrink, and then completely disappeared somewhere. Everything was spinning in my head, spinning and rushing head over heels towards me. “It’s probably fainting. Perhaps the pressure..."

When Vitaly Borisovich opened his eyes, he was surprised to find that he was sitting on the floor in a log hut, and a bony old woman with a hooked nose and sunken cheeks was looking at him point-blank.

Will this one do? – she asked joyfully, turning somewhere behind the stove. – It’s written on it – “Aesculapius”. Everything as requested!

Doctor Pan moved away in fear, but the whole horror of his situation was ahead. In the flickering flame of the candles, he saw a man in a turban, robe and funny snub-nosed shoes lying on a bench. The man was pale and motionless. And above him, wrapped up to the armpits in a checkered blanket, towered the market fortune teller Vzumeya Makarovna! Her gaze bored into Vitaly Borisovich like an electric drill! The already terrible situation was further complicated by the fact that next to the immense Vzumeya, sparkling with a purple bump on her forehead, the emigrant Elsa was sniffling!

Vitalik??? – I realized that it looked like fermented dough crawling out of a tub.

Vital??? – Elsa’s mop of disheveled hair bounced in time with her piercing squeal.

Having come to their senses with Elsa, with their fingers outstretched, they rushed at Vitaly Borisovich with a longed cry. Doctor Pan himself, beside himself with horror and fear, screamed in a bad voice:

Guard! Save! Help! - and rushed back through the open door, sweeping away everything that came under his feet with an incredible roar. The bony old woman retreated to the wall, almost pushing another long-nosed woman off the bench.

Crazy house! - Kikimora Galunya squealed when Yagishna stepped on her foot in the bustle.

And then the Hut could no longer restrain itself: suddenly the floor in it swayed, and the windows flashed like carousel horses.

I'm not a madhouse! I am a decent property with a decent pedigree!

But if you are real estate, then stand still and don’t move unless necessary! “Yagishna was the first to come to her senses and rein in Izba.

Understanding, cursing, she frantically tried to rise to her feet, carefully holding the sliding blanket with both hands.

Elsa, too, could not stand on her feet and rolled head over heels under the bench on which lay the genie, who had suffered from Akimka’s brave fun. Elsa's collision with the bench caused him to fall to the floor and open his eyes.

Seeing Elsa awkwardly floundering in front of him, the venerable genie Said Ali nervously took a breath of air with dry lips, and reached out with his hand for a faceted glass with a cloudy green liquid that stood on the edge of the table, and drained it to the bottom in one gulp. Then he rubbed the stinging purple bump on his forehead with his palm and met his gaze with Elsa emerging from under the bench. Elsa was also rubbing the same purple bump on her forehead with her palm and batting her eyelashes absentmindedly.

Suddenly, something gurgled, hissed and seethed in the genie’s stomach. The Izba smelled of mint. Said Ali felt a slight pop in his head and, looking devotedly into Elsa’s eyes, said:

Oh my Lady! – the genie bowed his head to the floor itself. Elsa stared blankly at the turban embroidered with pearls. – Oh, Mistress of the Universe! Mistress of my heart! Would my Queen deign to become the full-fledged mistress in my white-stone palace? And she would have the powerful wizards of the seven Kingdoms at her service! And the beautiful concubines would begin to comb the wondrous hair of my incomparable Fairy in the morning!

Elsa continued silently batting her eyelashes. The inspired genie Said Ali, without waiting for an answer, again slammed his head on the floor:

If the Star and Delight of my life does not want to see Said Ali next to him, then Said Ali will die in terrible agony!

Yagishna and Galyuny exchanged glances:

What is he muttering about? – Galyunya asked in a whisper.

Works! – Yagishna also answered in a whisper.

What works?

Love potion! Elsa left the glass on the table, but this one,” Yagishna nodded her head towards the turban that was falling to the floor. - I took it and drank it stupidly!

There are so many reasons around, - Reasonably, she finally coped with the sliding blanket. “And I don’t even have anything to change into!”

C'mon! – Yagishna loudly slapped her friend on her plump, bare shoulder. – You look so good!

“And you’re lying well!” Razumeya hissed in response, but her hissing was interrupted by a brave exclamation coming from the yard: “He-he-hey!” and random squelching, slurping and grunting. Everyone looked outside: near the Yagishnaya Izba the pig Pups was zealously stomping around.

Understanding Makarovna! - Vzumein’s suitcase squeezed through the door first, and behind him appeared the big shot Paramoshka. - And I fitted a handle to your suitcase! And the linen, all as it is, starched!

Yagishna exchanged glances with Galyunia again, and Vzumeya immediately rushed to her suitcase. To her great amazement - all the hotel dresses, as well as all other contents (stockings, pantaloons, shawls and woolen socks) - everything was tightly ossified and stiff from the excessive amount of starch. And the copper handle of the suitcase, polished to a shine and fastened with steel bolts, shone like a medal on a general’s uniform. Realizing, without hesitation, she immediately grabbed the suitcase and rushed behind the stove with it.

Kikimora Galyunya just gasped in amazement, and Yagishna secretly smiled at something. And from this smile of hers, Paramoshka blushed to the roots of his hair and shamefully hid his clumsy hands behind his back.

Soon the grinding and rustling behind the stove stopped, and Understanding floated out into the middle of the room, crunching her starched pea dress. She walked with the proud gait of a queen, exuding complete benevolence and peace with her entire appearance.

Why is he not capable of this? You offend, Understanding Makarovna! – Paramoshka still did not let go of his constant fragrant pipe from his mouth.

Elsa! – Vzumeya said condescendingly from behind the door. “You can do whatever you want with your Vitalik, but I need to think about my own affairs!” It’s quite a waste of talk at bachelorette parties!

Yes, your Vitalya surrendered to me, aunt! – Elsa lifted her nose smugly. – Today we are flying with the almighty genie Said Ali to his Abroad! On a magic carpet, by the way, and not on a hairy boar!

The hole from Akimka's mace magically disappeared from the carpet, and it now silently hovered two inches from the ground, waiting for its owner. Said Ali gallantly offered his hand, and Elsa regally mounted the carpet, clutching her poison-green reticule under her arm and gracefully leaning on an ecstatic crimson umbrella. Already from above, she shouted:

Yaga Yaginichna! Sister Galyunya! Now you are with us!

The carpet rose higher and smoothly glided across the sky among the first evening stars, deliberately skirting the pond near which Akimka’s bathhouse stood. Yagishna and Galyunia were left alone in the hut.

That’s the whole bachelorette party for you...” Galyunya muttered under her breath. - They grabbed all the men and gave it a go! How are you and I?

“Where should we get married?” Yagishna yawned tiredly.

Oh! Listen, Yagishna! – Galyunya suddenly caught herself. - And this, their Aesculapius? Where did he go? Will Issho go to waste here, no matter what?

Yagishna went out onto the porch, took a deep breath of the cold autumn air and shouted loudly into the darkness:

Soo-o-o-o-p!

Yagishna! Aesculapius! – Galyunya timidly corrected.

What am I saying? – Yagishna cupped her palms and tried again. - Soooooooooooo!

And then she came down from the porch, rolled out the mortar from under the canopy and smiled slyly, looking into the darkness:

That's it, Galyunya, he's not going anywhere, this same Vitalik! The Dark Kingdom is not the place to waste away. This is not some kind of foreign country! From here there is only one way - to the goblin’s bathhouse. Load the pies into the mortar! We fly to Akimka - all the men who didn’t run away, everything as it is, will be there!

Mitrofan Mitrofanich dealt the cards:
- And ishsho once! Well, how can I beat you this time?

No, Mitrofanich, you can’t beat him,” Akimka grinned. - You fuss painfully.

Koschey suddenly pushed the cards away from him, without even looking at them:
- All! I don't want to play anymore. I'm hunting for pies, I have no strength! I think about them all the time. Damn it, damn this old woman of theirs!

Akimka was about to find a consolation prize in the form of a pickled cucumber, but suddenly became wary. From the street the distinct clatter of feet and the hoarse breathing of a running man could be heard louder and louder.
- Who would it be?

A moose has hooves, but this one steps on shoelaces... And moose don’t puff like that when they run...
- So, run straight at us. We'll find out now...

And indeed, soon the door to the bathhouse swung open and in its opening, along with a portion of the cold autumn air, a breathless man, stained with wet clay, appeared in a white robe. Rare White hair he was wet, there were beads on the top of his bald head, and drops of sweat sparkled. Puffy cheeks were flushed from running, whitened lips frantically gasped for air. His jeans, soaked through, slipped off his round, protruding belly, across which was a pink ribbon with gold letters: “Aesculapius.” The frightened gaze of the sudden guest darted around Akimka's dressing room like an alarmed bird, but not finding anything dangerous, he calmed down somewhat. The man took a shaky breath and leaned against the doorframe.

Kvaska? – Akimka helpfully handed him a full mug of foamy kvass. The man nodded silently and drained his large mug in one gulp.

Ali, maybe some liqueurs? – Mitrofanich reached for the bottle. - Honey?
The man shook his head.

Where did you come from, and who will you be? - Koschey finally inquired. - Well, at least what’s your name?

Vi-vi-vi-talik,” the stranger stammered.

Tell us, Vitalik, are you a master at playing cards? – Koschey readily shuffled the deck.

Uncle Koschey! – Akimka led the guest inside and closed the door. - Wait a minute with your cards! Don't you see? The man is tired, dirty, sweating. You, Vitalik, go to the bathhouse, wash yourself, lie down on the shelf in the steam room. Otherwise you’ll catch a cold - tea, autumn is in the yard.

Doctor Pan had almost come to his senses, but just in case, he shook his head again.
- Don't be afraid! – Akimka generously patted the guest on the shoulder with his wide paw. - Take off your clothes, we’ll rinse and dry them right now. Do you want me to go with you if you are afraid? Shall I have enough of a broom?

...Vitaly Borisovich came out of the bathhouse all pink, steamed, with a birch leaf stuck to his shoulder. His clothes, already clean, were carefully hung along the wall on a rope and serenely dried. Doctor Pan finally calmed down, wrapped himself in a wide towel, immediately offered by Mitrosha, for some reason removed the ribbon with the inscription “Aesculapius” from the rope and put it in its original place - over his shoulder.
- What, guys? What are we playing? – Vitaly Borisovich readily sat down on an empty chair and looked at the cards lying in front of him. The game became more fun and entertaining.

So you’re saying that you were lucky enough to get to Yagishna’s bachelorette party? “Koschei was losing for the first time that evening, so he tried to distract his opponent with conversations.

What do you! – Vitaly Borisovich hiccupped nervously. - What kind of bachelorette party is this? This is a real Witches' Sabbath!

Well, it's the same thing! Were there pies?

“I don’t know, I didn’t notice,” Doctor Pan absentmindedly glanced at the cards and covered Koshcheev’s deck. - Yours are not there...
- Yeah, Uncle Koschey! Now you too have lost! – Akimka exclaimed joyfully.

Listen, Akimushka, come here,” Mitrofan Mitrofanich opened the door and listened warily. – Why is all this trashing? What do you think? W-o-o-o-n there, above the lake?

Akimka went outside and listened:
- None other than the Yagishna stupa! Flying straight here. Loaded, goes low...

Mortar??? - Mitrofanich was deeply puzzled. - If Yagishna is flying here, then my Galyuny will probably be with her too! Oh you! Oh you! How could I do this quickly?...

The werewolf purred like a dog, spun around like a top and turned into a small spider! Yes, he climbed into a corner right up to the ceiling. He also wove a web for himself to be convincing.

Yaga Yaginichna??? These are with her! Witches! – Doctor Pan turned as pale as a sheet, jumped up from his chair and rushed through the door, but Akimka grabbed him by the ribbon in time.

Wait! Where will you run? Without pants and even with this ribbon on the belly? All the same, there is no road further than my bathhouse. Wait, Vitalik, I have one surefire remedy! Always averts trouble, if necessary. Sit on the floor, sit quietly and don’t fuss in vain.

When Vitaly Borisovich sat down doomedly on the floor, Akimka carefully covered him with his huge bath bucket, and he sat on top of it:
- Come on, Uncle Koschey! Hand over your cards!

*****
Snorting like an angry porcupine, with a grinding and stuttering sound, Yagishna's stupa began to land. Taking a sharp turn over Akimka’s bathhouse, almost catching a pipe, she landed exactly in a puddle, completely covered with fallen leaves.

Yagishna, having previously stamped her feet loudly on the threshold, opened the dressing room door and looked around. Everything was orderly, tidied up, some funny trousers and a white robe, clearly not Akimkin, were drying on the line. And the goblin himself sat at the table and demonstratively played cards with Koshchei:

And here's to you, Uncle Koschey!
- Hold it!
- But what about it!
- And also!
- Yes, as much as you want! And yours are gone! – Koschey completed the roulade and was demonstrably surprised. - Oh! Akimka! Look, we have guests! And here we are playing cards. And what? Is your grandma’s job already over? A? Yagishna? Why are you alone? Without a girlfriend?

Yes, my friend has already taken her leave. She had urgent matters to attend to, and so did her niece, - the bucket under Akimka began to sniffle noisily, Yagishna chuckled with disbelief and asked in a sweet, sticky voice, which in all respects did not bode well:
- Why are you, Akimushka, sitting on a bucket when you have two whole chairs free?

And it’s convenient for me to sit there,” Akimka didn’t know how to lie, so he blushed to the roots of his hair. Koschey, although he could lie well if necessary, also somehow hesitated. The bucket hiccupped loudly.

Okay, if that's the case. Then go ahead, Akimushka, bring the pies into the house before they get completely cold, and bring the samovar here,” Yagishna creaked affectionately. – The conversation will be richer and more fun.

Akimka reluctantly got up from the bucket and, looking around at Baba Yaga, went out into the yard. And she immediately plopped down into the vacant seat! The bucket sobbed. Koschey felt the awkwardness of the situation up and down his spine.
The situation was saved by kikimora Galunya. She suddenly craned her neck and sniffed with her long nose, as if sniffing. Then she went straight to the very corner where Mitrofanich was hiding like a spider.

Ah, there you are! Unscrupulous! – Galyunya exclaimed triumphantly. – What did I tell you to do? Fix the closet, dry the felt boots! And you, damned one, are right over the threshold! Come on! Stand before me like a leaf before the grass!

The spider in the corner shrank and shrank, rolled head over heels from the wall, hit the ground and finally took on a human form.
- Little girl! - Mitrofan Mitrofanich tried to smile. - And here I looked at Akimushka’s bathhouse. Let me steam the bones, I think? And what?

I already know, Mitrosha, your bathhouse! There your bottle is right there!

But tell me, Galyunya,” Koschey resolutely called fire on himself, helping his comrade. - Well, how do you, Mitrofanich, always recognize it and cash it?

Why do you think I don’t recognize my husband? – the trick worked and Galyunya switched to Koshchei. - Yes, no matter who he turns out to be, I can see him through and through! And even more so - a spider! Made me laugh!

What's funny about a spider?

Of course, there’s nothing funny about a spider,” Galyunya let out some steam and was already speaking calmly, without squealing. - Just when did Akimka have a cobweb in her bathhouse? Let's go home, Mitrosha, it's late.

And no longer listening to her husband’s excuses and Koshcheev’s exhortations, Galyunya almost blindly pushed her Mitroshka out of the bathhouse and set off towards the Distant Swamps...

Eh-ma.. – Koschey sighed sadly. “They say it’s true that fate guides the zealous through life, but drags the lazy one... Mitroshka got caught like chickens in the plucking...
- Well, I got it, but I didn’t get lost! – Yagishna noted. “You shouldn’t be upset, Koshcheyuko.” Where would your Mitroshka be if it weren’t for Galyunya? Who would look after him if not for her? A werewolf, he is a werewolf: he would have turned around like this many times, and he wouldn’t have been able to go back... But Galyuny will always find him and turn him back into human form.

Meanwhile, Akimka brought from the Yagishnaya stupa a whole box of fragrant pies that had not yet had time to cool down, and with annoyance, looking sideways at the bath bucket under Yagishnaya, he shook it all out on the table.

Wow! Pies! – Koschey lamented joyfully, rubbing his palms. - I've been waiting for a while, what a passion!

Yagishna, why are you sitting on a bucket now? – Akimka placed the samovar on the table. - Not convenient, guess?
- Come on! How convenient! – the bucket puffed and puffed, but Yagishna hit it with her heel, and the bucket became silent.

Koschey, meanwhile, was devouring pies on both cheeks, squinting with pleasure, like a cat.

Hey, goblin, why did you only serve three cups to the table? “Yagishin’s squint with a wink threw Akimka into confusion.

So, why more? - The goblin blushed deeply, and Koschey even stopped chewing.

For what? Hey! Dumb! Stand before me like a leaf before the grass! – Yagishna rose to her feet and knocked over the bucket.
Vitaly Borisovich sat on the floor, wrapped in a bath towel, clasping his knees with his hands, and blinked his eyes in confusion. Akimka and Koshchei looked at him sympathetically and in solidarity.

Why are you, Vitalik, hurting my girlfriends? A? – Yagishna knew how to be strict.

Yes, yes, yes, I,” Dr. Pan muttered awkwardly. “I no-no-didn’t know that they were girlfriends... It’s no-no-not my fault, they’re real witches!”
Baba Yaga took the fourth cup from the shelf, moved the bucket to the table and looked into Vitaly Borisovich’s very soul:
- Eh, you, Stupid... You are such a secret healer, but you don’t understand that an undeserved insult will turn any woman into a witch, and an affectionate word will turn any witch into a Queen. Take the pie, or take the shanezhka.

And the conversation went smoothly; time quickly passed past midnight.

“I want to sleep,” Koschey yawned sweetly and stretched, crunching all his bones.
- And that’s true! It's too late. You're overstaying your welcome, Vitalik. Come on, put on your trousers - it's time to go home!

Vitaly Borisovich stood in the dressing room, embarrassedly fiddling with a button on his robe.

“You’re a doctor,” Koschey muttered through a yawn. - When would you come in? Would you like to play cards?
“Yes, come to the bathhouse too,” Akmkin’s red beard spread along with his smile. - I’ll steam to my heart’s content, you won’t end up at a loss!
- Don't hurt my friends. And don’t offend anyone,” Yagishna took a small mirror from her apron pocket. - This is a gift to you - a sure cure for witches. When it seems that there is a witch next to you, well, so scary - it couldn’t be more terrible - so immediately in his, in the mirror, look! And as you look, all the fear will immediately pass. Well, come on, Aesculapius!
“Ostolop, Yaga Yaginichna,” Vitaly Borisovich smiled. - Stupid!

Everyone laughed together. Yagishna clapped her hands three times, and Dr. Pan disappeared as if he had never existed.

The stupa, confidently cutting through the pre-dawn darkness, smoothly descended at the porch.

She has appeared! Finally! “Izba sighed with relief. - It's been a long time today. Maybe you also have a gentleman today? For company?
“Where should we get married?” Yagishna shuffled tiredly into the hallway and closed the door behind her. - Why aren’t you sleeping?

Waiting for you! – Izba snorted offendedly. - There’s no one looking after you! And besides me, no one will worry about you...

What you say is true, my Wreck! I won't take a closer look. None. That's the whole point.
- The meaning of what?
- The meaning of living together. That means, to look after each other until old age, no matter what happens to someone. For example, I clean your pipes and lubricate the hinges on your doors. And you make sure that I don’t sneeze again, that there are no drafts in your windows, and every time you watch over me, you worry, you creak.

Well, that goes without saying,” Izba was flattered by Yagishna’s assessment of her own importance. - But it doesn’t matter, you’re left unattended. Whatever one may say, you are still a respectable lady, the weaker sex!

Do not even hope! When I become completely decrepit and can no longer look after you, and all your boards rot - then you will have the weaker sex!

“Oh, you,” the Izba shook its shutters. “There is no master over you, that’s what.” I know that you yourself can do everything and know how to do everything. But the owner would not allow this...

“Where should we get married?” Yagishna looked out the window: the first snowflakes, like a flock of white flies, were circling over the autumn forest. “Your concern is enough for me.” Let's sleep!

The snow swirled over the forest in a slow white dance of countless snowflakes. Thin and transparent ice timidly bound the puddles. And these fragile mirrors reflected the dark, cloudy sky and a golden ray of sunlight that was trying to break out of the gray embrace of the clouds and spin in a dance along with the snowflakes. A lazy slumber shackled the empty forest - autumn fell asleep in a deep sleep.

Photo taken from the Internet

The funniest

Early morning in the village, an ordinary family of mother, son and father without legs,

Early morning in the village, an ordinary family of mother, son and father without legs, which they lost in the war. The son is getting ready to hunt, takes a gun and a cartridge, then his dad crawls up to him and says:
- Son, take me hunting, I really want to!
- Dad, how can I take you, you don’t have legs, what good are you?
- And you, son, put me in a backpack behind your back, and if we suddenly see a bear, you shoot at it - you won’t hit it, you turn your back, and I’ll kill it with one shot, you know it yourself - I shoot a squirrel in the eye from 100 meters! So we’ll bring the loot home, so we’ll have something to eat in the winter.
The son thought and thought and said, “Okay, dad, let’s go.”
They are walking through the forest, the father is sitting in a backpack, and then a bear meets them. The son shoots, misses, shoots again - misses again, turns his back, dad shoots - also waves, again - misses again. The bear is already rushing towards them, well, the son will give it a try, and meanwhile the father is shouting - they say, quickly, they will catch up! They’ve been running for an hour, they don’t have the strength, the son understands that he and his dad won’t run that far - they’ll both be lost, so he decided to throw off his backpack and runs on.
He comes running home all out of breath and says to his mother:
- Mother, we no longer have a father... - with tears in his eyes.
His mother calmly puts down the frying pan, turns to him and says:
- How did you fuck me with your desire, then my dad came running 10 minutes ago in his arms and said that we no longer have a son!

They invited a guy at work to a corporate party and allowed him to come

They invited a man at work to a corporate party, they allowed him to come with his wives, the corporate party was themed - a masquerade, you had to come in costumes, with masks. No sooner said than done, they got ready before going out, and his wife had a headache, she said, “Go without me, and I’ll lie down at home for now,” and she herself came up with a cunning plan - to follow the man, how he would behave at the masquerade, to pester Zinka from accounting or even get drunk. Before going out, she changed her costume, came and saw her hubby - first dancing with one, then twirling the other, guard! She decided to check how far he would go, invited him to dance, they danced and whispered in his ear: - Maybe we can retire...
They retired, did their business, and the wife quickly went home. Her husband arrived a little later, she decided to ask him:
F - Well? How do you like your corporate party?!
M - Yes, gray boredom, the men and I decided to go play poker, and before that Petrovich, our boss asked him to exchange suits, since he had dirty his, so he was lucky, can you imagine, some woman in the ass gave!

The son comes up to his father and asks: - Dad, what is it?

The son approaches his father and asks:
- Dad, what is virtual reality?
Dad, after thinking a little, says to his son:
- Son, to give you an answer to this question, go to your mother, grandparents, and ask them if they could sleep with an African for 1 million dollars. He approaches his mother and asks:
- Mom, could you sleep with an African for 1 million dollars?
- Well, son, it’s not a tricky matter, and we need money, of course I could!
Then he approaches his grandmother with the same question, and the grandmother answers him:
- Of course, grandson! If I had a million dollars, I would live the same number of years!!!
It's grandfather's turn, grandfather answers:
- Well, actually, once doesn’t count, so of course - yes, with this million we would build a house by the sea, and finally leave my grandmother!
The son returns to his father with the results, and the father says to him:
- You see, son, in virtual reality we have three million dollars, but in real reality - 2 simple #tuts and one faggot!

The girl invited the guy to visit, romantic, that's all. And

The girl invited the guy to visit, romantic, that's all. And at that moment his stomach began to twist, he simply had no strength to endure it anymore. They come into her apartment and the girl says:
- Come in, don’t be shy, go into the room, and now I’ll go to the bathroom and powder my nose...
It was somehow awkward for the guy to ask her ahead of her, so he decided to be patient, although he no longer had the strength to endure it. He walks into the room and looks - there’s a big dog sitting there. He took it and piled it in the room, and thinks that he will then blame everything on the dog, while he, contentedly, goes to the kitchen to drink tea.
The girl with the bath comes out and asks him:
D: Why don’t you go into the room?
P: There’s a big dog there, I’m afraid of it.
D: I found someone to be scared of, she’s plush...
P: Wow, she gave a shit like a real one!

Perestroika, collective farms are slowly dying out, everyone has gathered

Perestroika, collective farms are slowly dying out, all the animals have gathered in the barnyard and are discussing their future fate.
The bulls came out first and said: We must leave here while the hooves are still intact. The roof of the hangar is already leaking, it’s not raining, so we’re swimming like ducks. Next come the pigs: they haven’t eaten normal food for 100 years, the straw is all rotten, they give water once every three days. It’s impossible to live like this, you need to get out. All the other animals supported: Yes, yes, stop putting up with this and let’s go. One Sharik sits still, everyone asks him:
- Sharik, why are you sitting?! Come with us!
Sharik answers:
- No, I won’t go with you, I have a prospect!
Animals:
- What is the prospect? You'll die of hunger here!
Ball:
- No, guys, I have a prospect here!
Animals:
- Well, what prospects do you have here, you’ll get sick, catch fleas and die alone here!
Ball:
- No guys, I have a prospect...
Animals:
- What kind of prospect is that?!?!?!
Ball:
- I heard here that the landlady told the owner “... if things continue like this, then we’ll suck Sharik all winter...”

New jokes

The husband runs home and says to his wife - WIFE, urgently, we have

The husband runs home and says to his wife - WIFE, urgently, we will have guests in half an hour, I called our boss to our house! Wife:
- Are you crazy?! We have nothing to eat!
- Well, figure something out, you definitely need to do something, because tomorrow they will distribute the money, whose salary will be increased!
- So we have nothing except soup and a can of peas!
- So, listen carefully! When he comes to us, I’ll tell him that you made an awesome steak and peas, and in the meantime I’ll treat him to some of my moonshine. And then you accidentally break a plate in the kitchen and shout that you dropped the steak and now it’s in the trash, you’ll only have to serve peas, nothing can be done.
We agreed, the boss came. The husband treats him to moonshine, then yells to his wife:
- Wife! Get the steak!
Plates are falling in the kitchen, there's a crash!
Husband:
- Well, what are you doing there? Did she really drop the steak in the trash?!
From the kitchen sobs:
- No, peas!