The situation is you can't have children. How to live if you can not have children: frankly about the innermost. “Sometimes people put their stumbling blocks in a beautiful frame and start rushing around with them like a curse, although in reality everything is solved”

Julia! If you read in my article "Types of emotional experiences" - the section "Awareness of the sensual sphere", then in my opinion - you can learn a lot of interesting things for yourself. The only thing is that this is related not only to your topic, but to almost everyone psychological topics... And to go to my article - click - PSYCHOLOGISTS - My page - MY ARTICLES - and access to the article itself.

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Julia, hello

life sets a difficult and painful task for you, but there are always ways out. Of course, isolating yourself in your pain for both you and your husband is not the way to overcome this situation. If it’s too difficult to talk about your feelings with your husband right now, it may be worth writing a letter to him or working with a psychologist yourself first so as not to be afraid of your own feelings.

Sincerely, Chinara I.

Hello Julia! From a psychological point of view, your difficult situation is a situation of loss. You have lost (or almost lost) your hope, your dream. And psychologists work with this loss in practical psychology in the same way as with any loss (loss). This is a serious crisis state, and in order to get out of it without losses or with minimal losses, one must live this state “correctly”. I offer professional assistance in this process, therefore, in a nutshell, you can’t explain anything here, and you won’t give brief recommendations. The only recommendation - do not be left alone with your loss, seek professional help. This will allow you to continue your life after the crisis, effectively and with joy. All the best, Elena.

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Julia, you yourself write about yourself: " I consider myself very strong man ready to accept and experience anything, But sometimes I also need psychological help., as it turned out."

What exactly do you need help with?

After all, you do not raise the question of whether you can give birth to a child and whether it is possible to help you ...

Pozhozhe this is NOT a QUESTION for you, you know in advance that you will not give birth! And it's your setup, no matter the cost! (operations, money, time).

Because for a woman who has been pregnant several times, conception is not the problem but in the ability to bear a child. And no IVF will help here. And you yourself understand this very well without us!

But "how not to hurt a relationship" this is a problem for you! You do not know how to call your husband for a confidential conversation?

How do I tell my husband we don't want kids? OR

How to convince him that you tried for him, but you didn’t succeed?

If you addressed the problem "why can't I have a baby" - perhaps I could help you. But how to maintain a relationship with a husband who has no desire to TELL THE TRUTH ...

PSYCHOLOGISTS CANNOT HELP YOU IN THIS.

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Children are the flowers of life ... this phrase always haunted me when in my thoughts my future baby and I ran across a sun-drenched flowering meadow. My baby, I never called him otherwise, came in my dreams and ran around me, laughing happily and hugging his beloved mother. And how bitter it became from the fact that at the age of 18 I was given a terrible diagnosis - infertility. There were always kids next to me: two brothers and a sister, children from the camp, where I loved to spend time and later became a counselor, and finally in kindergarten, where after college they took me as a junior teacher. A lot of children, but not mine ... but I coped with my problem. How not to go crazy or my story of finding the most expensive flowers in my life.

My revelation: how I existed without children

It happened suddenly, usually they talk about love, but I'm talking about my diagnosis. At that time, I did not even suspect that this could be: from the age of 17 I met a guy, loved each other immensely and were going to get married. In the yard, they constantly heard a funny saying behind their backs: “the bride and groom” and something else. But they only smiled, thinking how we would arrange our house, both of them large families, so the kids wanted madly. Three at least: two strong boys and a tiny daughter. And there, how to see what and how ...

After coming of age, everything happened by itself, and even the wedding date was set. Exactly six months after graduation. In just six months, my life has turned upside down. Nothing special happened, there were no bleedings, accidents or pathologies with me. They just somehow forgot to use their favorite contraceptives, and then on New Year I must have made the mistake of taking an emergency abort pill to prevent an unexpected pregnancy after intercourse before marriage.

Those days became hell, my stomach twisted incredibly, the temperature rose, and the next day we went to the doctor together. After taking it, it became a little easier, the doctor removed the attack and ordered tests: and they came. The second time we were also together, and instead of the news that everything was in order, the doctor rubbed his eyes behind his glasses and asked: how long have I been taking such contraceptives? My answer surprised him that it was only once, and before that, like many, I drank contraceptives from the age of 18, and now in the third month, as instructed, I took a break. I still remember his guilty look and the phrase: “You didn’t need this ... fruitless.”

physical abnormalities. This is when the uterus is located in the wrong direction or has a bend not in front, behind, which makes it difficult to conceive. Not my case.
Traumatic cases. The uterus is injured after childbirth, or during an accident or other accidents, also not my story.
A miscarried abortion. The epithelium, as I only then remembered this word, lines the uterus around the entire perimeter, and during an abortion, along with the fetus, it seems to be mechanically cleaned off, and if the operation was performed by a non-specialist gynecologist, for example, in private conditions, then the possibility of chronic infertility is not excluded. Not my situation either.
Obstruction of the fallopian tubes. Here it is my destiny ... the ovaries, which secrete the very egg for conception, are connected to the uterus by these special pipes, like in a vacuum cleaner, a stupid comparison was made by the doctor then, but similar. And if there is an obstruction, then the egg simply cannot reach the right place and will die within a day. This is the same for me...
Lazy ovary. I already listened to this part with half an ear, but I remembered that this also happens when the ovaries stop releasing eggs due to colds or sexually transmitted infections.

What should I do about my problem? Solve it surgically, expand the ducts and remove cysts that make it difficult to pass. However, the possibility of pregnancy is also ephemeral: in 50% of cases, the pipes are so injured that they even have to be removed.

I left the office, looked at the girls sitting in line: many were already deeply pregnant, sitting happy, some even with their husbands, and glowing, literally glowing from the inside. And I ... I silently approached my fiancé and burst into tears, clutching a medical sheet. He did not know the reason, and it would be better if he did not find out. Later, at home, he said that you need to try and then everything will work out, because together we will overcome everything. And then she asked: what if not, if the treatment does not help? Will he be able to adopt someone else and fall in love? The answer was silence, but I clung to his previous words like a lifeline.

My infertility: attempts, dreams and results

All my trips to the doctors began immediately after marriage. I was on my own beautiful bride in the registry office, but are you happy? I can’t say, all the time the thought was spinning in my head that I’m not like that, that I need to act and every day only moves away from me my long-awaited child, who is not there yet. Will he be soon? I hoped so.

Literally right after the honeymoon , dedicated to all conceivable and unimaginable methods of conception, I went to the antenatal clinic and began to act, the status of a married lady strengthened me even more. Among my girlfriends, I became just crazy, not only did I get married early, but I’m also going to be treated in parallel with the institute. “Why do you need a child? Walk while you're young!" sounded from all sides, but I stubbornly walked forward, furtively brushing away tears. All my girlfriends could give birth when they wanted, but I can't. And it seemed that every year this possibility decreases even more.

After going to the doctors in the breaks between family and study, I realized the main thing: the operational method is not so terrible than stuffing yourself with all kinds of chemicals in pills, they only start a hormonal failure, but pregnancy does not occur.

My husband rejected right away: he didn’t want to go to the doctors and donate something, and then my egg didn’t appear at all, so there was no chance. And I decided to have surgery.

When I woke up, I realized that something had changed, my husband looked at me somehow differently. My tests, trips to the doctors have exhausted him for a year and a half. He studied in absentia, worked and wanted an ordinary family, and not a girl who was preoccupied with sex on certain days of ovulation, and even by the hour. And also the one who wanted the baby so much that she decided to disfigure her body in such a way. The abdominal operation did not end very well, one tube broke during cleaning and had to be removed, and a long scar adorned the body.

My zero chances went negative, and my husband… He just looked at me in dismay. big eyes and I read in them no longer love, but pity. He didn't want this life. After my discharge, we quietly divorced, and he left. I hardly cried, only sometimes, when one of my kindergarten kids sobbed in his sleep, and I could not press him to me and hug him like my own.

Infertility is not a sentence, or how a new ray of light appeared in my life

After the hospital, I went to a psychologist, as I could no longer cope on my own. My father and mother shyly hid their eyes when they met, and the brothers and sister went their own ways for a long time: my sister also quickly got married, she is three years older, and I already had a nephew. It would seem that here she is a native outlet, but it was not that. My sister rarely gave me time to be with the baby, and in the end he hardly knew me, while the brothers were in no hurry to get married. And I was all alone. It’s only strange that the family pulled away from me, as if I were contagious. Therefore, the psychologist became an ideal option.

I looked forward to meeting a stranger with pleasure to blurt out everything that torments me and finally burst into tears, like in the movies. But the conversation went about something completely different. The psychologist turned out to be an energetic and bright woman who seemed to want to give me a kick during the conversation and my complaints. At the end of the conversation, she made a whole plan for me “to get out of a protracted depression”:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we become weaker and more vulnerable, so it is much easier to break us. You need to become stronger, temper your will, character, and then everything will get better. Life loves the strong, and tramples the weak.
Find what works best and develop professionally in this area. Work will save you from mental problems better than any medication.
Arrange yourself a rest. He must be active with a constant change of activity. A trip to the mountains, where I will be forced to survive on my own for at least a day, is what I need.
Transfer all your heartache into which the unspent desire to have a child and give him warmth has turned, to those who need it: to go to a hospice, Orphanage or baby house.

We parted strangely, after I wrote down all the recommendations, she looked at me for a long time and said: "We must believe and wait, and then everything will be resolved in the best possible way."

And then she showed a photo on her desk: a happy snub-nosed baby smiled from him, fair as an angel.

Your daughter, my heart sank.

Now mine, - the psychologist responded and said quietly. - When despair reached its peak, I just went to an orphanage and adopted her. And she waited for me, believed and waited.

I went out elated with hope and began to bring the entire list to life. She graduated from the university, became a senior teacher, even went camping with her parents, and most importantly, she found the nearest orphanage and, having bought goodies, went to the children.

The fact that I was happy is to say nothing. The children surrounded me and vied with each other twittering something, and the teachers smiled. I myself laughed and played with them until late in the evening. But my baby was not among them. Bye…

And then one day I saw him - Artem. He also brought treats and toys to the orphanage. We got to talking and realized that we have one thing in common. We both want to be parents and both are infertile, since Artyom's spermatozoa are too weak, and I, with my one whole tube, are generally like an invalid. But we were not united by a common grief, it was just love ...

Day after day, and now we are already married, I don’t want to say anything about him and us - after all, happiness loves silence. Artem seemed to be always there, he became my mirror, and I completely forgot about my problem, but we didn’t leave the kids, we also messed around with them on weekends. And finally, after a year of our life together we saw Sasha. Pugnacious, strong and like a hedgehog, ruffy. He got here after the accident and was left an orphan. After the very first evening with him and the children, Artyom smiled at me, it seemed that he read my thoughts: “This is ours, Allochka, our son.”

“I can’t get pregnant, although there are no health problems” - more and more often modern women complain about the inability to have a child for psychological reasons. In such cases, doctors shrug their shoulders: from the point of view of physiology, everything is in order with the woman, but for some reason pregnancy does not occur. The author Daily Baby, together with experienced specialists, figured out what psychological infertility is, who is susceptible to it and how to deal with it.

Psychological infertility is not a myth

In order to conceive and endure a baby, physical health alone is not enough. It is important that future parents deal with their psychological problems and be ready for a new stage in life. What does it mean?

Imagine: a couple dreams of a child. Within a few months, young people take tests, go to doctors and prepare to become parents. Experts issue a verdict: you are perfectly healthy and can have children. However, weeks, months, maybe even years pass, and pregnancy does not occur. From a medical point of view, a couple is considered infertile if they do not have a child within a year of regular unprotected intercourse.

So what's the deal if both partners are physically healthy? Having learned such a couple closer, you can see: the girl is terribly afraid of childbirth and the very fact of the appearance of a new person in herself. A man can worry about finances - he doesn’t get much, but you still have to pay a loan for a car. Both sincerely want a child, but somewhere deep inside they put blocks: “we can’t do it”, “it’s not time yet, we have too many problems” and “I’m afraid”.

Oksana Naumova, a clinical psychologist with a specialization in systemic psychosomatic therapy RECALL HEALING, a 2nd stage Gestalt therapist (specialization in Trauma Therapy in the Gestalt Approach), comments.

Infertility is a complex of various psychological and physiological factors that lead to a violation in human reproduction. When, against the background of physiological health, a couple cannot conceive and bear a child, they talk about a possible psychological reason.

Infertility is both male and female. It can be caused by internal contradictions regarding the birth of children, conflicts with parents, partners, age crises, the desire to build a career.

The birth of children can interfere with such plans. The high level of infantilism of future parents, various fears become a serious obstacle to the realization of the dream of becoming parents.

A symptom is always a consequence, it is necessary to clarify what it comes from, what precedes it.

Perinatal psychologist, doula and mother of four children Yulia Plotnikova also believes that infertility often has a psychological basis.

A self-sufficient, beloved and loving person, who has been surrounded by care and attention since childhood, has less risk of psychological infertility. If from childhood there were some problems in the family, upbringing, relationships with others, there is a possibility of difficulties with conception. Very often a woman of childbearing age, healthy and full of energy, just mentally not ready for motherhood. Her parents, husband, society put pressure on her: she needs to give birth. And she doesn't seem to mind, but it doesn't work. Nature is amazingly smart. The body feels: something is not right, there is some danger from the outside, this is not the time to get pregnant. These clamps need to be removed by visiting not a gynecologist, but a psychologist or even a psychotherapist, Yulia explains.

By the way, some psychologists prefer not to use the word "infertility". They replace it with the term "unfulfilled desire to have a child." After all, psychological infertility is quite easy to treat, so this diagnosis is temporary and implies that the couple cannot yet conceive a baby.

Some experts are sure that infertility has a psychosomatic nature. The inability to conceive a child is seen in this case as a reaction to a psychological or emotional conflict.

As long as the problem does not go beyond the scope of psychology, a person does not get sick. But as soon as it passes into the category of physiology, the brain transfers the conflict to the body, and the disease begins to develop. Many illnesses are nothing more than a biological interaction between the part of the brain that controls the problematic organ and that organ itself, which contains the biological conflict. There is a theory that there are no accidents in life. Psychological infertility often signals unpreparedness for the appearance of a baby. The body, as it were, gives people time to rethink their life priorities and realize: are we ready to become parents?

It also happens that a couple despairs of becoming pregnant and adopts a child. And after some time, the couple give birth to a joint baby. This is neither an accident nor a pattern. After all, the reasons stored inside each of the couple are resolved in due time or not resolved, says Oksana Naumova.

Why doesn't it work?

There are many psychological causes of infertility. Here are just some of them:

fear of responsibility and unwillingness to change your life because of the baby,
fear of childbirth
lack of trust in a partner
subconscious fear of spoiling the figure, getting stretch marks and tears,
financial trouble and, as a result, uncertainty about the future,
uncertainty about what you can become for your child good parent,
psychological immaturity: “I am still a child myself, what kind of children do I have”,
pressure from others: everyone is forcing me to grow up and have an heir. The body includes protection: in principle I will not follow the lead of “everyone”.

Each person is the keeper of all or part of the family history, what he heard, saw, experienced.

Everyone is faced with numerous family, social and mental phenomena and processes, trying to find integrity with the appearance of meaning in their existence. “I don’t want to be who I am”: this situation can be the cause of infertility, when a woman unconsciously tries to prevent the appearance of offspring in order to interrupt the lineage, of which she is ashamed. Another psychosomatic aspect of infertility may be the following: "not being the way your parents want you to be." This is such an unconscious protest against parents, says psychologist Oksana Naumova.

According to Oksana, the cause of infertility can be civil marriage Because every woman needs stability and security. And the birth of a child in an unsafe environment is a serious stress for the expectant mother.

The events of the surrounding world in which a woman is located can affect the functioning of her reproductive system.

The phenomenon of wartime amenorrhea is known, when women did not have menstruation. The female body received a command: “not the time for conception” and stopped working as nature tells it to. Nothing seems to threaten the woman and the descendant, and the “on” button is not pressed.

In peacetime, women feel no less danger and unconsciously do not allow themselves to become pregnant, for example, during an economic crisis. Especially if a woman has financial difficulties, - explains the psychologist.

Often a woman has a fear of pain, a fear of dying during childbirth or losing a baby. This can be especially acute if such cases have already been in the family.

The unconscious feeling that motherhood is grief can contribute to an internal rejection of it.

There are cultures in which the birth of boys is welcomed and the attitude towards a woman depends on the gender of the child she gave birth to. Unconscious fear of becoming pregnant with a girl can suppress reproduction. Religious attitudes also influence the realization of the maternal sphere. Women are emotional creatures, they clearly feel the attitude towards themselves in society and realize this through their reproductive behavior. One of the important components of the psychological factors of infertility is the motivational conflict in the psyche of a woman. She does everything to get pregnant, while there is no place for the child in her outer and inner spaces. Often it is important for a woman not to lose face, she asks herself the question: can I become a good mother? This is very unnerving for the expectant mother. Anxiety, fear - all this negatively affects the ability to get pregnant, - Oksana Naumova explains.

Julia Plotnikova is sure: it is important to solve psychological problems that prevent getting pregnant in time. After all, they accumulate and form a huge snowball, which over time is more and more difficult to cope with.

One of possible causes psychological infertility - distrust of a partner. A woman either cannot choose a permanent life partner at all, or does not really trust the man who is in her life.

Many psychosomatic situations arise from this, interfering with a calm conception. Sometimes there is a vicious circle. A woman is trying to get pregnant, she doesn’t succeed right away, and fear appears: what if I don’t succeed at all. There are many questions: why does it not work? What is wrong with me? All this negatively affects reproductive function and it becomes even more difficult to get pregnant.

A woman may be afraid of a new role. What will happen when she becomes a mother? There is a fear of losing independence, freedom, status and position in society. How to deal with a child? How to survive childbirth? In what direction will my life change? There are a lot of fears. Such unconscious fears give rise to psychological clamps in the body, contribute to the production of “wrong” hormones that prevent conception. If a person subconsciously feels these fears, naturally, the body is filled with clamps and hormones that do not allow you to relax and live here and now, - says Yulia.

Constant tension and the race for the result, in this case, for two strips on the test - all this only aggravates the situation. If a woman is obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant, and all lovemaking with her husband comes down to only one thing: to conceive a baby, this can backfire. Failure leads to more fear, then the next failure happens, the fear intensifies. It turns out a snowball. Psychological infertility often arises when attempts to have a child go from quivering expectation to the category of “should” and “should”.

Do men have psychological infertility?

Psychological reasons for the inability to conceive a child in women are much more common than in men. They are more diverse and wider, but, in general, are similar.

Men are still more often infertile physiologically. However, there is also psychological reasons, because of which the spouse may not be able to conceive a baby. A man, for example, is not afraid to give birth, but he may be afraid that his beloved woman will die during childbirth, especially if there have been such cases in the history of his family, says Oksana Naumova.

So, a man unconsciously at the right time for conception can avoid sexual contact, thereby preventing a woman from becoming pregnant.

During meetings with a psychologist, a specialist identifies the reasons that prevent conceiving or bearing a child. It is very important to understand what exactly prevents this couple from becoming parents. Sometimes it happens that men, without realizing it and not wanting it, become main reason psychological infertility of his beloved wife. Sometimes a man does not understand his wife, does not know how or does not want to support his wife at such a crucial moment in life. The indifference and detachment of the husband lead the woman to the idea that she does not want to have children. It also happens that a man subconsciously or even consciously does not want children from a particular woman or does not want to become a father at all. In this case, his body can produce antibodies that reduce the quality of sperm or sperm motility, explains Oksana Naumova.

What to do?

If during the diagnosis it turns out that from a physiological point of view, the couple is doing well, it is recommended to look for the causes of infertility at consultations with a perinatal psychologist. The specialist will reveal the true reasons for the inability to conceive a baby and help overcome fears.

Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep and rest, avoid stress. In addition to psychotherapy, other methods can be used, such as acupuncture. And be sure to work with a professional psychologist: he will help overcome all fears and complexes, Oksana Naumova advises.

The specialist is sure: it is important to understand that a child is not only difficulties, but also great happiness. Then the female body will “accept” the pregnancy and “agree” to bear the baby.

Psychologist Yulia Plotnikova adds: sometimes you just need to “let go” of the situation and relax as much as possible.

As soon as a woman accepts the situation, relaxes and stops worrying about not being able to get pregnant, she succeeds. Children come at the very moment when parents are most joyful, when they are filled with calmness, peace and love. When they do not worry, but live here and now. Even physiological problems with conception can be explained in psychology. They are often associated with a woman's failure to accept her role: she is ashamed of herself, her physiology, femininity, sexuality. All these complexes and clamps must be removed, then the long-awaited pregnancy will definitely come.

There are no more “old-timers”, but the risk of infertility increases with age
Having a baby after seven circles of hell, or why I believe in miracles
“The first time everyone goes to the store for a gift.” Mothers' stories about the difficulties of IVF
"Hormones do not agree with the modern prioritization of women"
From egg freezing to operations: what women go to so as not to remain childless

With humor! So says the childless couple Whitney and Spencer Blake, who created a series of funny photos announcing their ... infertility. Whitney and Spencer only want to clarify one thing: the announcements on their blog that they can't have children were meant to be funny.

Although the topic of childlessness is very sensitive, and often hidden even from loved ones, this is exactly the topic that the couple would like to shed more light on ... and laughter. Before finally adopting two boys, Whitney and Spencer went through a long and painful path of fertility treatment, watching happy friends and loved ones.

“We were talking about how the results of the tests and analyzes make us feel, and we thought it would be fun to come up with a couple of our own versions,” Whitney describes their chain of interpretation. traditional photo. Below you will find 6 parodies of pregnancy announcements and learn how happy parents can find the strength to smile even in the saddest moments.

When you were undergoing treatment and trying to conceive, how did you feel when you saw someone's pregnancy announcement on your Facebook feed?

Whitney Blake: To be honest, it's one of the hardest things when you can't have a baby. We really tried to put smiles on our faces to rejoice with our loved ones and celebrate the increase in their family, but it was terribly difficult for us to see how others got what we prayed for and what we wanted more than anything else.

Infertility sometimes makes you feel like a freak. Ugly on the inside for being jealous of others, and on the outside for not being able to have a baby. You feel that something feminine is missing in you, that you are inferior.

The voice of reason told me that I good man and mine personal qualities not related to the possibility of having or not having a child. But emotionally I was depressed, especially when I tried to share the joy of future motherhood with others.

- Looking back, you were able to see the bright side of infertility. How did it happen?

Whitney: Even in the most tense and painful moments, we managed to find reasons to laugh. Somewhere in the middle of our trying and childless years, I turned our entire pregnant/non-pregnant game into a joke. Perhaps it was humor that helped us cope with pain and emotions.

- How did you manage to keep a sense of humor throughout the whole time?

Whitney: Spencer helped me a lot. He has that rare gift - to listen and support, but at the same time look for ways to cheer me up, even in the most intense and dark moments. I remember once, when we had to bring sperm samples to the hospital, the girl at the reception said: “OK, each bath costs $200.” To which Spencer replied in a rather serious tone, “Excuse me, but are they dirty?” He's funny.

"Bun in the oven"

The dough is over, there will be no buns

Movie Pregnant: release date - April

Film Barren: the release date of the previous film... one day?

The balloon will burst in April

And so burst our dreams of a child every month

Scrabble: June date, grow up, dad, mom, pregnancy, happiness, etc.

Scrabble: didn't conceive, whimpering, awful, barren, periods, depression

Hill ahead - dead end

Of course, couples without children are becoming more and more common these days. What can you do if people choose to live together only for their own pleasure ... Nevertheless, such couples are in the minority. Almost all family people sooner or later come to the conclusion that they need to have a baby. But not always regular sex life ends with the conception of a long-awaited baby. And after some time of fruitless attempts, the spouses think, what is wrong? The best thing to do in this situation is to contact medical care rather than torment yourself with thoughts why I can not have children, what are the reasons for this and what to do.

Doctors assure that in the absence of pregnancy for a long time, despite a regular sex life, you need to contact the doctors as soon as possible. Perhaps the cause of such infertility are factors that can be easily corrected, provided they are detected and treated in a timely manner.

I found out that I can’t have children ... Reasons

In fact, there are many factors that can cause infertility. Quite often, the impossibility of conception is determined by violations in the activity / state of the reproductive system itself:

Improper functioning of the ovaries;
- obstruction or absence of fallopian tubes;
- the state of the uterus (irregular shape, diseases);
- state of the uterine cervix.

But this is not all the reasons for the lack of pregnancy. Long-awaited conception may become impossible with:

Immunological pathologies (rejection of sperm or even own eggs);
- all kinds of disorders in the activity of the endocrine system (disturbances in the work of the hypothalamic-pituitary region, thyroid gland, reproductive system, etc.);
- genetic abnormalities.

It is worth noting that a woman may face the problem of infertility against the background of stress and other psychological factors. It is almost impossible to cope with such a factor on your own, it is better to seek advice from a qualified psychologist or even a psychotherapist.

Can't have children: man

In fact, the reason for the absence of a long-awaited pregnancy may also lie in a man. Representatives of the stronger sex are also subject to all sorts of pathologies that can disrupt their reproductive function. In principle, the basis of male infertility can be:

Insufficiently complete spermatozoa (when their mobility and viability are impaired);
- a significant reduction in the number of spermatozoa;
- defective promotion of spermatozoa.

There are many factors that can cause these situations:

Congenital pathologies, all kinds of genetic failures;
- transferred infections, inflammatory processes, injuries;
- varicocele - an ailment in which the veins of the testicles and the spermatic cord expand;
- all kinds of sexual problems (inadequate erection, untimely ejaculation, etc.);
- pathologies of the immune system (for example, the immune system attacks its own spermatozoa);
- Carrying out certain medical manipulations, for example, operations, chemotherapy, etc.

It is worth noting that infertility can be observed with lifestyle disorders:

Nicotinic, drug, alcohol addiction;
- influence of factors environment(radiation, pesticides);
- lack of certain nutrients;
- overheating of the testicles.

What to do if pregnancy does not occur?

Doctors recommend seeking medical help if married couple throughout the year actively engaged in unprotected sex, but the pregnancy does not occur. After consultation with a specialist, readers of "Popular about Health" will need to undergo a complete examination of the body: take tests - blood, spermogram, vaginal smear, etc. Ultrasound, endoscopic procedures, etc. may be necessary.

As medical practice shows, it is quite possible to cope with most causes of infertility if adequate and timely therapy is provided. So, hormonal factors can be successfully corrected with specially selected hormonal drugs. Such medicines are really able to normalize the activity of the ovaries and activate the production of female sex cells.

Also, modern methods of medicine allow you to cope with other factors that led to female or male infertility. But even if such treatment is not effective, spouses should not despair. You can become the parents of a long-awaited baby using artificial insemination techniques. So, today in clinics it is practiced:

in vitro fertilization (known by the abbreviation IVF);
- intracytoplasmic sperm injection (known as ICSI);
- performing insemination.

So, during IVF, female eggs are fertilized by male spermatozoa outside the woman's body - in laboratory conditions. After fertilization, doctors wait for the successful growth of the embryo and plant it inside the woman's uterine cavity, where it is fixed and develops.

The ICSI technique is usually performed for male infertility. The doctor selects the fastest sperm and implants it inside the egg. Usually the ICSI technique is combined with IVF.

During insemination, the partner's sperm is injected directly into the uterus or cervical canal. The procedure is completely painless and most often does not require any special preparation, it is simply performed on the days of ovulation. Sometimes doctors recommend that it be carried out against the background of superovulation, which is achieved with the help of hormonal stimulation.

Fortunately, modern medicine is able to help many couples who are faced with the problem of infertility.

Children are the flowers of life ... this phrase always haunted me when in my thoughts my future baby and I ran across a sun-drenched flowering meadow. My baby, I never called him otherwise, came in my dreams and ran around me, laughing happily and hugging his beloved mother. And how bitter it became from the fact that at the age of 18 I was given a terrible diagnosis - infertility. I always had kids by my side: two brothers and a sister, children from the camp, where I loved to spend time and later became a counselor, and finally in kindergarten, where after college I was taken as a junior teacher. A lot of children, but not mine ... but I coped with my problem. How not to go crazy or my story of finding the most expensive flowers in my life.

My revelation: how I existed without children

It happened suddenly, usually they talk about love, but I'm talking about my diagnosis. At that time, I did not even suspect that this could be: from the age of 17 I met a guy, loved each other immensely and were going to get married. In the yard, they constantly heard a funny saying behind their backs: “the bride and groom” and something else. But they only smiled, thinking about how we would arrange our house, both from large families, and therefore they wanted the kids madly. Three at least: two strong boys and a tiny daughter. And there, how to see what and how ...

After coming of age, everything happened by itself, and even the wedding date was set. Exactly six months after graduation. In just six months, my life has turned upside down. Nothing special happened, there were no bleedings, accidents or pathologies with me. They just somehow forgot to use their favorite means of protection, and here on New Year's Eve I probably made a mistake - I drank an emergency interruption pill so that after intercourse there would not be an unexpected pregnancy before the wedding.

physical abnormalities. This is when the uterus is located in the wrong direction or has a bend not in front, behind, which makes it difficult to conceive. Not my case.
Traumatic cases. The uterus is injured after childbirth, or during an accident or other accidents, also not my story.
A miscarried abortion. The epithelium, as I only then remembered this word, lines the uterus around the entire perimeter, and during an abortion, along with the fetus, it seems to be mechanically cleaned off, and if the operation was performed by a non-specialist gynecologist, for example, in private conditions, then the possibility of chronic infertility is not excluded. Not my situation either.
Obstruction of the fallopian tubes. Here it is my destiny ... the ovaries, which secrete the very egg for conception, are connected to the uterus by these special pipes, like in a vacuum cleaner, a stupid comparison was made by the doctor then, but similar. And if there is an obstruction, then the egg simply cannot reach the right place and will die within a day. This is the same for me...
Lazy ovary. I already listened to this part with half an ear, but I remembered that this also happens when the ovaries stop releasing eggs due to colds or sexually transmitted infections.

My infertility: attempts, dreams and results

All my trips to the doctors began immediately after marriage. I was the most beautiful bride in the registry office, but am I happy? I can’t say, all the time the thought was spinning in my head that I’m not like that, that I need to act and every day only moves away from me my long-awaited child, who is not there yet. Will he be soon? I hoped so.

My husband rejected right away: he didn’t want to go to the doctors and donate something, and then my egg didn’t appear at all, so there was no chance. And I decided to have surgery.

My zero chances went negative, and my husband… He only looked at me lostly with his large eyes, and I read in them not love, but pity. He didn't want this life. After my discharge, we quietly divorced, and he left. I hardly cried, only sometimes, when one of my kindergarten kids sobbed in his sleep, and I could not press him to me and hug him like my own.

Infertility is not a sentence, or how a new ray of light appeared in my life

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we become weaker and more vulnerable, so it is much easier to break us. You need to become stronger, temper your will, character, and then everything will get better. Life loves the strong, and tramples the weak.
Find what works best and develop professionally in this area. Work will save you from mental problems better than any medication.
Arrange yourself a rest. He must be active with a constant change of activity. A trip to the mountains, where I will be forced to survive on my own for at least a day, is what I need.
Transfer all your heartache into which the unspent desire to have a child and give him warmth has turned, to those who need it: go to a hospice, an orphanage or a baby's home.

And then she showed a photo on her desk: a happy snub-nosed baby smiled from him, fair as an angel.

Your daughter, my heart sank.

Now mine, - the psychologist responded and said quietly. “When despair reached its peak, I just went to an orphanage and adopted her. And she waited for me, believed and waited.

Day after day, and now we are already married, I don’t want to say anything about him and us - after all, happiness loves silence. Artem seemed to be always there, he became my mirror, and I completely forgot about my problem, but we didn’t leave the kids, we also messed around with them on weekends. And finally, after a year of our life together, we saw Sasha. Pugnacious, strong and like a hedgehog, ruffy. He got here after the accident and was left an orphan. After the very first evening with him and the children, Artyom smiled at me, it seemed that he read my thoughts: “This is ours, Allochka, our son.”

We immediately applied for adoption, and two years later a miracle happened. I, on my own, just when the three of us lived, rejoiced, raised Sasha, and I stopped trying and tormenting myself with my heavy burden.

There are four of us now: me and my three favorite men of different ages. We laugh, argue, take care of each other, joke and even fight. We also love to walk in nature, and I always return home with three huge armfuls of flowers: from Artyom, Sashenka and little Vanechka.

Now I know for sure that the diagnosis of infertility is not the end , but only the beginning of a difficult path of work on oneself, and everything will work out, because at any time one must always strive for the light.

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You met a person with whom you are ready to start a family. One thing - you are not destined to endure and give birth to a child. This diagnosis is a blow to most women. It is even harder when a sister is preparing to become a mother. Journalist Alyssa Lynn talks about how a barren woman feels when everyone around is talking about children. How to cope with painful experiences, advises psychologist Ksenia Ulyanova.

At the age of 12, I found out that I could not have children. Over time, I got used to this idea, but sometimes it becomes clear: I have not really come to terms with this.

Now mine elder sister expecting a baby. My parents will soon have their first grandchild. We are with younger sister for the first time we will become aunts. My parents are crazy about happiness, others share their delight. My sister had no other topics to talk about. Everything she says is related to pregnancy in one way or another.

It tired me out quite a bit. I'm tired of constantly hearing about pregnancy and the unborn child. But my sister sends me pictures of her growing belly every week. I am glad that I am participating in this wonderful event, but at times it becomes hard for me.

When the parents found out that their sister was pregnant, they burst into tears of happiness. Since then, their eyes have been constantly glowing. It reminds me that I won't be able to give them the same joy. I was consumed by despair and hopelessness, it prevents me from adequately communicating with others.

The birth is coming soon, so we are preparing a celebration in honor of the birth of the child. True, the further, the more this event reminds me of window dressing - relatives are trying too hard to surpass everything that they saw on this topic in social networks. And the abundance of gifts, children's things and constant conversations and disputes on the theme of the holiday and children drives me into depression. And it's getting harder and harder to get involved.

What should I do now? The only thing I can do is worry, talk and write about it. I have infertility, which is not easy to come to terms with at any age and in any circumstances. I don't blame my sister or anyone else.

Sometimes I don't even remember my infertility

Sometimes I don't even remember my infertility. At other times, it reminds of itself. Nobody is to blame for this. I am very glad that my nephew will be born soon. I love him in advance.

Now there is different variants for families who are unable to have a child. I, like others like me, am not hopeless. Even if at times it seems that nothing can be changed, this is not a reason to give up. Even if there are no simple solutions for us, we can talk and share our experience. Therefore, I allow myself to mourn and talk about my trouble. You are not alone.

"You have every right to be sad"

What will help to cope and survive your own infertility? Advises psychologist Ksenia Ulyanova.

You are in a situation that you cannot change. Do not drive your thoughts and feelings deep inside. You need to understand them and accept them.
You have every right to be sad, angry, worry, despair. You are free to experience the full range of negative emotions. But do not get hung up on experiences - this is a destructive state. You don't have to think like a victim. It feeds pain and provokes psychosomatic illnesses. It is important to deal with frustration, which does not allow you to fully live on.
Do not withdraw into yourself: discuss the problem with loved ones or contact a psychologist to sort out your feelings. You can't keep the pain inside. In addition, you will have to do a lot of independent work. Rely on the tips below.

Understand that projecting your position onto others is a vicious circle. Today the sister became pregnant, tomorrow the neighbor, then on the street you will meet a woman with a tummy - that's it, a breakdown is guaranteed. If a person has not accepted the current situation, he will experience suffering every time.
Stop blaming yourself. Even without children, you remain a complete person and can be happy. Think about which path you want to take in the new environment.
Write down a plan for a year, five, ten years ahead. This will help you understand that you have a choice: adopt a child, find a man with children, resort to surrogacy.
Shift the focus from motherhood and realize yourself in a career, devote yourself to creativity or a hobby. Doing what you love is a powerful source of joy and inspiration, which makes it possible to feel the taste of life again.
Get involved in charity work. There are many people around who need your help: children from orphanages, grandparents in nursing homes, lonely neighbors. Charitable organizations will gladly accept a volunteer, and your life will be filled with meaning.

“I just started dating a gorgeous guy that I'm madly in love with. It's still too early for us to talk about marriage and children, but the catch is that due to health problems, I won't be able to have children. I'm afraid that this will become a stumbling block for us.
How soon should I tell him about this? I need a serious man who would like to start a family. But I'm afraid that just such a guy I won't fit - for a reason that I can't fix. And he'll leave when he finds out."

Probably, each of us has a moment when we would like to have a magic book on etiquette, by which everyone would agree to live. But, alas, she is not. And there are no hard and fast rules for something as deeply personal as our reproductive health. And this is for the best. Such personal decisions are best made on a case-by-case basis.

It remains to trust intuition to choose the right time. But it's better, of course, not to rush too much. Of course, it's respectful that you want to be honest and consider the other person's feelings. But think about your own. It is unlikely that you will want to raise such a difficult conversation before a certain level of trust and peace of mind is established between you.

Love is greater than any "stumbling block". Sometimes people insert their stumbling blocks into a beautiful frame and start to rush about with them, as if with a curse that dooms them to misfortune, although in reality everything may not be so scary and completely solvable.

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“Sometimes people put their stumbling blocks in a pretty setting and run around with them like a curse, when in reality everything can be solved.”

Better think about how this guy is lucky with you and how you can make him happy.

Of course, if you really want to discuss this issue with him as soon as possible, discuss it. If you decide to wait, then do not let this circumstance become the cornerstone of your relationship. Don't lie if this topic comes up, but remember that you have the right to wait until your relationship is serious enough to talk about the future. So far, in fact, there is nothing to discuss.

And if the time comes when you decide to think about family planning, you know that there are other possibilities: adoption or surrogacy.

Remember that the stumbling block may not be that you cannot have children, but that you attach too much importance to this. Everyone can have their own problems: medical, psychological, etc. loving person understand and support. Just don't let things like that come between you.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! My name is Asya! I work from home. I can not leave the house for 5 days, lazy person). Mostly I communicate with people on the phone, there is very little live communication. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we love each other very much, but unfortunately there are no children. We swear very rarely, but aptly). By nature, I am calm, but if I don’t like something, I can flare up, express it and get angry during the day, but then I forget this bad situation (work) forever. There are health problems, for 2 years I cannot cure viral herpes type 2, the treatment was carried out in courses, but herpes is always in the blood as in an active state, i.e. IGM. Weakened immunity (according to the results of the analysis). Tired of taking pills. There is also stress before meeting friends, all friends already have children, and I am ashamed when the conversation is about children, I notice that my husband is thinking, and my heart hurts and even sometimes I don’t want to go anywhere. In April 2018, they did IVF, the first 7 days were calm, after that I started doing tests, I read in the forum that with IVF the test shows earlier, but the test did not show 2 strips for a long time, after 2 weeks my husband and I went to take hCG, showed a small figure, the attending physician said that most likely it was an empty fetal egg, there was strong stress and bleeding began slowly, a week later she passed hCG again, it had already doubled, but could not be saved. There was a lot of stress and apathy. Now I am getting ready to transfer the embryo again, but the fear does not leave me, I have no faith that it will turn out, I don’t know what to do. Can a psychologist help?

The psychologist Pronina Tatyana Viktorovna answers the question.

Hello Asya! Yes, a psychologist can help. But you don't need help. You need to contact a perinatal psychologist who will help you identify the psychosomatic causes of your infertility and miscarriage.

I have a few questions for you on two topics:

1. How do you feel about sexual relations, about sex? Is there any shame, hostility at the mention of this topic? How do you feel when your husband asks for intimacy?

These are not idle questions. By answering them (to yourself), you can understand the nature of your herpes. If there is shame, hostility, if you consider sex and genitals "dirty", or consider sex as something sinful, then this is the cause of your illness. It is necessary to change the attitude to sex, to a partner, to yourself.

2. You wrote "... all my friends already have children, but I'm ashamed ..." What are you ashamed of? Where did this feeling come from? Maybe you heard from your mother about shame when she talked about children, in particular about you?

As I see from your story, the problem of your "I can't have children" lies precisely in the fact that you are ashamed to have children (of course, I can be wrong). This problem sits deep in the subconscious, which is why repeated work with a psychologist is needed. Finding the problem and working through it, you can easily get pregnant and bear the child yourself. What I wish you with all my heart!