Why adult children don't like their parents. “Well, it’s mom.” Psychologist about why we are not obligated to love our parents Reasons why I love my parents

Nature itself has planned it in such a way that from childhood we are given the opportunity to experience the most selfless love that can be in the world - maternal love. With joy and gratitude we respond to this feeling with all our souls, and these ideas are another opportunity to do a pleasant surprise to a loved one.

It’s the way we are designed that it is our loved ones who suffer the most from our grievances – voluntary and involuntary – and today we will correct this mistake by remembering 100 reasons why I love my mother. The reasons for loving your mother are multifaceted, just like love itself, and there is no ready-made template for sincere feelings, but such an approximate list will help awaken your imagination.

Some of the 100 reasons to love your mother

1. It is to you that I owe my birth.
2. For several years, your hands were the most reliable and calm place for me, you fed me with your milk and taught me to take my first steps.
3. You sang lullabies to me and taught me and my children to music and musical instruments.
4. You instilled a love for books, and my professional achievements today are thanks to you.
5. You taught me to finish things and not waste words.
6. Thank you for always believing in me and teaching me to believe in my talents and love myself the way God created and our strong genetic roots.
7. You taught me to do small and big good deeds every day and appreciate kind word and a kind attitude towards yourself.
8. Thank you that today, like you, I love giving gifts to loved ones and making them happy even more than receiving signs of attention addressed to me.
9. You taught me to get along with people, and not to hide from them with grievances and claims.
10. Your smile is priceless, and when your eyes shine with joy, I am ready for anything.
11. Having lived with dad until the golden wedding, you taught me to take care family values– the most important thing in our life.
12. Even in difficult times, your parents’ home is always warm and satisfying thanks to your and dad’s irrepressible energy and hard work.
13. Only you are able to accept me as I am, and forgive me all my mistakes. You will always support me, even if you know I’m wrong.
14. For you, I am always a child, and I always feel your care and support.
15. You can make me happy with your presence, simply because you exist.
16. I love how you generously forgive and tolerate all my whims and weaknesses, not paying attention to them.
17. You feel any change in my mood and well-being, but you will never complain about your ailments and troubles.
18. Your faith in my strength inspired me to small and large everyday feats.
19. I talk to you about anything and trust you with the biggest secrets, without worrying that you will misunderstand me.
20. Your love is selfless; you never demand anything in return for your undivided attention.
    
21. You are my guardian angel, who has always blessed me - for studying, for family life, for simple female happiness.
22. Seeing in the mirror and hearing from others how similar we are and how we look more and more each year brings me great joy.
23. Your whole life is an example of selfless maternal deeds for me, and I am very proud of you.
24. You really appreciate my gifts, even the most modest ones, made with your own hands, and you keep them all your life.
25. I respect you as a great worker who taught me to work, convincing me that idleness and despondency are a great sin.
26. In 100 reasons why I love mom and dad, I need to remember, because I love you and dad both for raising us in strictness - if it weren’t for family discipline, I don’t know if I would be able to withstand all the tests that life sends us
27. You taught me how to run a house and farm at any time family budget(especially in difficult times), taught me to cleanliness and order.
28. Thank you for teaching me to love and understand the land on which you live, to work on the land that gives you vitality.
29. My love for nature, for all living things, is also your merit - you taught me to be responsible for those whom you tamed.
30. You taught me to distinguish between good and evil, to understand people and not to give up even in the most difficult situation.
    
31. By your example and character, you raised me to be a self-sufficient person.
32. I appreciate you for teaching me not to be afraid of pain and difficulties, but to be afraid of sin and bad deeds.
33. Thank you for always being there in the most important and difficult moments.
34. I really value your opinion and experience - they are pointers for me on the path of life.
35. You taught me humility, patience and forgiveness - the main virtues of a woman.
36. You taught me to live according to my conscience and honor God’s commandments as the most important instructions in life.
37. Thank you for praising little and demanding a lot - such hardening was very useful in life.
38. You gave me my first experience in cooking and handicrafts, and these skills lasted throughout my life.
39. You taught me to make serious decisions on my own and not depend on other people’s opinions.
40. You always looked after my health and taught me to healthy image life.
    
41. The fact that I don’t have bad habits is entirely your merit, because you put me on my feet in every sense.
42. You taught me to be happy every day, simply because God gave it to you, this day, and harmony with myself and the world allows me to survive any crises with faith in the best.
43. I appreciate you and dad because you are an unquestioning authority for me, and your orders have never raised doubts about the appropriateness of their implementation.
44. I was able to take into my family the model of your relationship with dad and raise my children according to your rules.
45. You know how to create a holiday in the house, to welcome guests in a way that I couldn’t even now.
46. You are a great cook and I always have something to learn from you.
47. I appreciate that the house always honored family traditions and relics, I try to teach children to respect the memory of their ancestors.
48. A low bow to you, because you lived a very difficult and eventful life, but you did not break down and retained your love for life and people.
49. You taught me to see the inner beauty of a person, to use my intuition to make decisions, when I need to listen to my heart and not the logic of my mind.
50. It is important for me that your word has always been a guarantee of actions, and you taught me not to make empty promises and to be consistent in my actions.
    
51. Over the years, I understand more and more and duplicate your tastes and preferences - mom, you are always right!
52. I love you both, because you did everything possible and impossible to make me successful in life.
53. You always have the right words and support; in the most serious moments of my life, I have no better support.
54. With you I can be myself, I feel very comfortable!
55. You are a very strong, persistent, and at the same time very kind person.
56. You know how to talk to me heart to heart, finding the right words, but with you it’s comfortable to remain silent.
57. You supported me in all my endeavors, even if you understood that mistakes and difficulties could not be avoided.
58. I love you both, parents, because by nature you are very beautiful people, and your grandchildren are so similar to you.
59. I love you because your love for me is stronger than all other feelings.
60. I love you, because in me there is a piece of my parents, your continuation.
    

“100 reasons why I love my mother” - short examples. You can name a thousand more reasons why we love our mothers, and this list will never be final and complete. Mother's love is the light that illuminates our entire life path and our debt to our parents is unpaid.

Mom will keep this gift, like your other signs of attention, all her life, every day taking out and re-reading notes that warm her soul.

No one has yet canceled the epistolary genre, and if possible, it is better to write a declaration of love by hand - this way it will look very personal and sincere.

How to make a gift

There can be many reasons to express your feelings - a birthday, Valentine's Day, March 8th, well, a surprise for no reason is even more appreciated.

It’s easy to make a gift “100 reasons why I love my mother” with your own hands. This gift will not require any expenses or great talents.

The simplest option is a jar. On each sticker sheet we write (or print) one reason in beautiful handwriting, roll it up and tie it beautifully with thread or thin ribbon. We put all the confessions into a beautiful jar of suitable size, which can be given a gift look by decorating it with ribbon, lace, pictures, hearts, flowers, and photographs.

The box-box looks even more presentable. You can pick up a ready-made box, for example, for sweets, and cover it with beautiful paper or fabric, decorating it with lace, cord, rhinestones, and beads.

A book or notepad is another popular way to design “100 Reasons Why I Love My Mom.” The easiest way is to use a ready-made notepad or a beautiful notebook, decorating the cover and filling the pages with confessions. If you are familiar with the basics of scrapbooking, you can create an original book from scratch, designing the cover and each leaf separately, and then connect everything together with ribbon, rings or other devices. Ideas for decorating the gift book “100 reasons why I love my mother” with your own hands - in the photo.

Postcard or poster. If you value your time and are familiar with computer graphics, you can draw a large and beautiful postcard with confessions, and then additionally decorating it to your taste with any decorative elements. How Alternative option– a sheet of Whatman paper or other paper of suitable size and density, paints, markers and other tools that you know how to work with. We draw a poster by hand.

The idea with balloons is beautiful, but quite expensive, although it is not necessary to make a bouquet of 100 balloons– you can write 10 reasons, or place several notes in one balloon. It looks impressive, of course, and the intrigue remains - if it’s a shame to destroy the ball, you won’t immediately know what’s inside.

For those with a sweet tooth (mothers love desserts no less than we do, although they are used to pampering us), you can complement your confession with a box of chocolates. Choose a beautiful box of chocolate and complement it with colorful scrolls - both tasty and pleasant.

A letter in a beautiful large envelope may be an option if the mother lives in another city and there is no way to present the gift in person. A postal envelope will be a pleasant surprise for her, because we have long been unaccustomed to this method of communication.

A gift bag will come in handy in case there is absolutely no time to decorate. We print it out, cut it up, put all the notes in it and solemnly hand it over. You can choose any other colorful packaging.

We talked to a consultant psychologist about how to communicate correctly with parents if the relationship is not going well. Zhanetta Volchek.

ZHANETTA VOLCHEK
psychologist-consultant

“You can give 10% of your resources to your parents, no more”

The topic of relationships between different generations, and even more so relatives, is quite sensitive. All children love their parents unconditionally. And even children who end up in an orphanage, when they grow up, often find their mothers and fathers because they feel the need for attention, love and care. And this is normal, because people are social creatures, and warm feelings are not alien to us.

Of course, not everything is so smooth in our society, and often we are faced with resentment towards our parents or some kind of negative feelings towards them. In my practice, I often see that roles are changed, and children become parents to their mothers and fathers. Most often such cases occur in single-parent families. For example, the father left, and the mother lives with the conviction that “all men are assholes.” In this case, the son often tries to be good for his mother, strives to become her protection and support—a “husband.”

Later, when children grow up, they want their own life, their own family, but their parents’ “I fed and raised you” and “you owe me” interfere with them. And it is often very difficult to refuse such manipulations to parents - “well, this is mom.” But this cannot solve the problem, which is why conflicts arise. People start swearing, shouting, and in the end no one is happy. We need healthy separation.

In such a situation, it is always worth remembering that no one can hear anyone while screaming, so it is better to calm down and say: “Mom, I love you, but I am already an adult. And I didn’t force you to give birth to me, it was your decision and your responsibility. I will always take care of you and always help, but now I have my own family, and it is a priority. Please don’t interfere in my life.”

When a person says that “These are my parents, I owe them”, I say: “Okay, so you have two children. How much do they owe you for raising them?” And the person immediately goes into a stupor. Nobody owes anyone anything, this is not a business. If you want, you give birth; if you don’t want, you live without children. The priority should always be the younger family. And you can give 10% of your resources to your parents, no more. Everyone is responsible for themselves. And this is a healthy adult relationship. There is no need to refuse help. But sitting on your neck is not healthy either.

"We don't have to love our parents"

Another problem in the relationship between fathers and children is the violation of boundaries.. Our parents grew up in a country of “soviets,” in communal apartments, when the elders told the younger ones what to do, how to act, where to go to study, and so on. And from here comes an even greater conflict. An adult, having studied at the university chosen by mom and dad, realized that he really wanted to be an artist, and not, say, an accountant, and problems begin in his life.

As said Antoine de Saint-Exupery, we all come from childhood. Therefore, both inter- and intrapersonal conflicts originate in relationships with parents. By and large, we are not obliged to love our parents, but we cannot reject them either. You need to learn to accept them as they are. This is also important for future generations. Otherwise, it may come back to haunt us later that our children will turn away from us.

It is important to understand that we won't fix our parents anymore. They are “entrenched” in their beliefs. It is very difficult for adults to change their psyche. If a person has worked in the same place for 40 years and never even thought that it could be done differently, then, of course, he will think that children should live like this too. If you graduated where mom and dad said, realized that it was not for you, and began to look for yourself in other areas, your parents will be annoyed - it’s time to work, start a family, and not suffer through nonsense, as it seems to them from the outside. And here it is important to be able to defend your borders and protect your own interests. Violating these boundaries is also incest.

There is a small exercise: divide a sheet of paper into two columns; on the one hand we write “I believe”, on the other - “I am a person who.” As a rule, the first column is the opinion of the parents.

We are lucky that we now live in the information age and have the opportunity to develop and engage in self-knowledge. Our parents’ parents lived in the post-war period - what kind of care could they give their children? For them, the main thing was to survive. Feeding a child is already love and care. People who grew up in such conditions often treat their children the same way. And not because they are bad, but because they were taught that way.

Learn to assert your boundaries you can use this exercise: Say “no” to everyone for a week. There are people who cannot refuse anyone at all except themselves. And the exercise helps to develop this skill well.

If it is very difficult to refuse your parents at first, say “I don’t know, I need to think, I will answer later” - try to avoid a quick answer. In the psyche there is such a moment as an inhibited reaction, when a good thought comes later. Therefore, sometimes it is useful to take a break, think over the answer, so as not to offend the parent and to defend your interests.

“Parents want love. But our love will not be enough for them."

In situations where the mother often calls and “blows your mind” with her instructions, some psychologists advise distancing yourself and not picking up the phone. This, of course, is cool, but you need to understand that at the other end of the line the atmosphere is heating up with each unanswered call. A swollen callus will burst someday anyway, and it will be even worse.

In any relationship - with parents, children, spouses - it is very important to negotiate: “I’ll call you when I have time,” “I’m busy right now, we’ll talk later.” Parents, like you and me, like all people, want attention and love. But our love will still not be enough for them, because they lack the attention of their parents, whom we cannot replace.

Eric Bern created a system of transactional analysis, according to which each of us has an inner child, an inner adult and an inner parent. The child will never hear the parent and vice versa, but they will be able to agree if both are in an adult state.

Essentially, psychology leads to responsibility. First of all, for yourself. After all, the only person we live with throughout our lives is ourselves. Therefore, you need to look for support primarily in yourself, and not in others. And if our generation is gradually coming to understand this, the older generation is not always able to.

“I raise my children myself, and you just love them”

Of course, no one is perfect, and staying calm all the time is very difficult. As said Lao Tzu“The strongest warrior is the one who is not angry.” Therefore, when aggression arises, try to get rid of it immediately: count to ten, bend your fingers, look to the side. If your imagination works well, look at the situation “from above” - the parent and me.

This pause will be to your advantage. While you are silent, your opponent is trying to understand what you are thinking. And even if you don’t think about anything, he’s already giving in a little. Next, exhale and try to explain: “I understand that you care about me, I accept your love, and I’m pleased, but I’m already an adult and I’m able to deal with my relationships/work/children myself.”

When we observe the attitude of our parents towards our children, we often see because of what words or behavior of our elders we have this or that complex. And we understand that these same problems can be passed on to younger people. Therefore, “I raise my children myself, and you just love them.”

"No need to make excuses"

The feeling of guilt and debt prevails in our psyche. And often, when we cannot give our parents what they want, or we cannot care for an old father or mother, we feel guilty. But you need to understand that any question comes from acceptance. Life itself and everything that happens is neutral, and conflict is what we have inside. For some, a cup broken by a husband or child is nothing to worry about, but for others it is a complete tragedy. That's why try to be neutral about everything. If you can't take care of an old parent, do the best you can: find best house elderly people, hire a good nurse, turn to trusted specialists - and don’t blame yourself.

And if there are people who condemn (and they always are), there is no need to justify yourself to them. Just say: “Don’t slander a person until you have been in such a situation yourself. To experience everything, you must first live my life. Do you want this? It is unlikely that anyone will answer in the affirmative.

Born to Win, Muriel James, Dorothy Jonggart

"Parent-Child Relationships" by Liz Burbo

“Parents and adult children” and “Parents and adult children. Paradoxes of relationships”, N. Manukhina

It took me a long time to decide on this article. On the one hand, I know that the topic is sensitive, very important, necessary and painful. On the other hand, it’s hard to write about her. Because I know (including from myself) how much resistance there is to what I am going to tell in it.

As a rule, problems in relationships with parents are told only to those closest to them. They admit them with a mixture of despair and guilt. Because the subcortex contains postulates about the importance of strong family relations, and deviation from the right feelings and their manifestations is as if shameful. Mom and dad need to be loved, respected and remembered that they were the ones who gave you life. But what to do if these seemingly closest people are sophisticated moral sadists, tormentors and persistently poison your life with their “concern”?

1. It is normal to have negative feelings towards your parents.

Day after day, I observe people who, when faced with an act of aggression (overt or hidden) on the part of their parents, carefully push all the reciprocal emotions that arise away into themselves. It seems to them that anger, anger, resentment, and disappointment automatically deny love. Like, if I get angry at my mother, it means that I don’t love her, or I love her, but not correctly enough.

Friends, people, no matter how loved, necessary and important they are, should make us angry. This is a normal part of contact between two personalities. Without her - nowhere. And all these reactions do not in any way affect your fundamental attitude towards your family. Because it is simply a response to a stimulus. And it is necessary and important to experience it, to live it, and in no case should you scold yourself for it.

1. Disobeying your parents is not selfishness.

We were once creatures to be watched. They could actually smear the walls with poop, throw themselves under a car, or climb into a stove. But these times ended about twenty years ago, and we are already able to lead ourselves. Decide what people to associate with, where to spend your time, what to eat, what to drink, and how to live.

As in any other relationship, there are different stages in the parent-child relationship. And one of them is separation. This is when we, while remaining important, loved, necessary and close to each other, stop living according to the orders of mom and dad and set off on our own. Yes, they may not like the way we conduct it. But this is their problem, not ours.

If separation does not occur, your communications turn into surreal and a circus with horses, which, in turn, leads to very sad consequences, for example, problems in personal relationships, at work, unstable social connections and total depletion of resources.

Yes, I know, your toxic parents are trying to sell you a very dangerous and cruel idea: “If you don’t do as I say and think it’s necessary, then you are a selfish person and a pig who doesn’t love me.” In fact, in this situation, the selfish ones are the ones who grunt. I explain on simple example. If you know that your mother, for example, cannot stand tobacco smoke, but when you come to her house, you’re lounging in the kitchen with a cigarette, citing the fact that, well, that’s the kind of person I am, a smoker, tolerate it - it’s you who ignore other people’s wishes, behave selfishly and really make a person suffer with your actions. But in a situation where your parent is sad that there are no grandchildren or are not in the job that she likes, you work - this is her problem and selfishness, since she wants to force other people to satisfy her desires and does not care whether she likes it whether they want it or not.

1. We don't owe our parents.

Few of us have not heard the imperishable message addressed to us that we are in an unpaid debt to those who helped bring us into the world. Let's define what debt is: it is when you come and ask someone for something, promising to return it or give something in return. You yourself take on certain obligations.

Being embryos, for obvious reasons, we did not come to bow to anyone. And it was our parents’ choice to increase their family by one more person. And if further they behaved cruelly, disregardingly, and all that we got was basic set like we fed/clothed/taught, and at the same time abused us - we don’t owe anyone anything.

1. We may not communicate with abusive parents.

I know how difficult it is to admit to yourself that you don’t have perfect family from a fairytale. How painful and offensive it is to understand that the castle of illusions is collapsing, and in the real world everything is extremely sad for you. Yes, we all want mom and dad to be loving, caring, reliable supports. And often we go so far in this desire that we actively maintain relationships with cruel relatives, hoping that now, now, everything will change. Unfortunately no.

Family ties are very important and necessary. But only if they are an equivalent exchange. Not necessarily in one currency, but with investments on both sides. Otherwise, they cannot exist from the word “at all.” If your interactions with your parents result in more pain, humiliation, dangerous control, violence and toxic influence, then you have every right to stop them. And no one, not a single dog, has the right to open his mouth and tell you: “Well, why can’t you stand it, it’s mom!” Can not. And period.

1. We don't have to love our parents.

Unconditional love is possible only in one case - between mother and baby. After we emerge from infancy, our relationships are built according to different rules. And in order for them to be filled with love, harmony and respect, mutual actions are necessary. The mere fact of consanguinity and passage through the birth canal of a woman in adulthood will not help you and you will not preserve the notorious connection.

It is NORMAL to not love those who mock us, violate our boundaries, hit us in sore spots, or use or are using physical violence. Strange behavior in such a situation would be precisely the depiction of a family idyll (which, unfortunately, is what many people sin by drowning in denial of reality).

Yes, my dears, our parents also have to do something to maintain our love. Because adult relationships are built precisely on this principle. And it is extremely important that this care, attention and guardianship be about us, and not about them. Let me explain: they expressed themselves in a form that is comfortable for us. For example, my client really wants her mother to just listen to her. And she, ignoring all her requests, crushes her with advice and control over their implementation, studiously not noticing how this destabilizes her daughter. What kind of love in return can we talk about here? You are not obliged to respond with tenderness to the fact that you are regularly mentally violated.

Please remember one important thing: your parents are people just like everyone else. And if they allow themselves to be tormented, disrespected, oppressed, you have every right to defend yourself as you see fit. And you can maintain exactly the level of communication that is safe for you.

Physical and psychological violence

Most often, children who are treated poorly by their parents stop loving their parents. Physical and psychological abuse can lead to aggression and hatred on the part of the child. In the case of psychological violence, most parents do not even notice that they are harming the child and do not understand why the child is offended by them. Parents cannot always understand which words of theirs go unnoticed and which ones make the child feel pain. In this case, the situation must be resolved as soon as possible - parents should admit their guilt and talk with the child, otherwise it will affect further trust in the family.
Violence on the part of parents and extreme mistrust on the part of the child can lead to serious psychological problems for all family members. Children who have experienced such relationships often find it difficult to build their own in the future.

Overprotection

Another problem is overprotection. If you are very worried about your child, watching his every move and tying his shoelaces until adulthood, your child is unlikely to be grateful to you when he enters adulthood. Such children very often begin to blame their parents for all their failures, since they do not prepare children for adult life, and they become dependent. But overprotection has another, no less disastrous outcome: children begin to try to escape from their parents’ nest as soon as they realize that their peers are given much more freedom.
These children, fortunately, have a chance to get on their feet - they are so looking forward to adulthood and independence from their parents that they are most often quite well prepared for most situations. But, having finally received this freedom, children are usually so afraid of returning to the previous course of events that they break all ties with their parents. Leaving and limiting yourself to two calls a year is not an option. Unfulfilled love will not go away, and resentment can only be muffled a little. Parents themselves also need to fight overprotection. It is difficult to realize that a child at some point must become an independent adult, but it will be necessary if you want to maintain a good relationship with him.

Vicious circle

Even an already grown child wants to feel cared for, and not just listen to demands and lectures. Rejection from parents provokes rebellious behavior in teenagers and scandals in the family. All issues should always be resolved mutually.
Of course, it is best to prevent such problems from arising in the family. After all, it is very difficult to regain the trust of your own children. Children who understand that they cannot trust their parents are very upset: parents are the closest people, and it is very difficult to understand that they have actually betrayed you. And realizing that you cannot love the people who gave you life is also not easy - the child feels enormous guilt for this.
Even if you think that there is nothing serious about this problem, there is one “but”: due to incorrect relationships in the family, such children grow up to be unloving parents. And it turns out to be a vicious circle of lack of love, going from generation to generation.