Maria Aronova: “It is not right when everyone in the family is on their own. Ideal family or everyone on their own. How I Learned to Manage a Family

Loneliness is the scourge of modern society. Loneliness in our time is not even a problem - it is a NATURAL DISASTER!

Loneliness suffers (although some argue that, on the contrary, they enjoy it) more often than women.

In Russia as a whole, there are approximately 11 million more women than men.

For example, in Moscow there are almost a million more women than men. Depending on the population, this ratio in each Russian city is approximately the same.

In France, by the way, the situation is the opposite - there are a million more men than women.

And with all this, in Russia there are a lot of lonely men.

But loneliness in the general sense (when a man basically does not have a woman) is not the biggest problem. The main problem is that even having a LEGAL spouse, a person can feel alone or alone!

Here, there is a family: husband, wife, two children (my friends, everything is real). They are under 40. They have an apartment, they are working.

But EVERYONE lives OWN: the husband, when he comes home from work, lies down in front of the TV, and goes fishing with friends for the whole weekend, the wife exclusively supervises the “home-work-home” route, but when she comes home, she is “lost” in social networks for the whole evening and on dating sites (exclusively for virtual communication), and on vacation ONE rides abroad.

They have long become strangers and live parallel lives - the apartment is one, and the stamp in the passport confirms their connection, but in fact they are deeply lonely.

Serious attempts to find an alternative are not made: over 20 years of marriage, the husband has developed the belief: “all women are like that, why change the awl for soap”, the wife, respectively, has similar beliefs about men.

From the outside - an ordinary family, they come to visit together, invite friends to birthday parties and even say wonderful things about each other.

And in the soul - loneliness! ..

How many really are so lonely - the mind is incomprehensible, it is not subject to calculation. Some even got used to this life so much that they began to consider it the norm (“everyone lives like that”).

The “everyone lives on their own” family format has many variations. There are families that are constantly scandalous, everyone sees in their spouse the cause of their misfortunes, they constantly sort things out, trying to free themselves from each other. And there are absolutely indifferent to each other, they already have neither feelings, nor jealousy, nor, moreover, love. Only fatigue and hopelessness. These two extremes also have a sea of intermediate stages.

Now the most important question: is it curable?

It is treated, but it is not so easy to do it.

The most primitive step is to leave. But in reality, breaking up is sometimes extremely difficult. They connect not only children, common housing and property, but also a lot of dependencies from each other.

But even if it turns out to break out, then such a step does not bring much joy. After all, “there” is not a full stop, the relationship is not completed and “energy tails” are stretching.

The logic of the relationship is the SAME, and therefore the relationships are built the SAME AS THEY WERE.

Therefore, the most effective and efficient way is to first put an end to the current relationship, “close” these relationships, and only then continue life.

What will happen if you do not "close" the relationship as correctly as possible?

you will subconsciously "revenge" the next partners for what the previous partner did to you,
any event in a person’s life should be perceived as the next step in development, but if you didn’t put an end to the previous relationship, then the new relationship will not be a harmonious movement forward - just passing the SAME stage in other conditions,
it will be difficult for you to love and trust, you simply forgot how to do it,
you are not ready to enjoy the fact that you are taken care of, you have forgotten how to gladly accept the love of a loved one (most recently, my friend after bad marriage and many years of loneliness got married, and she complains that she really forgot how to love: her husband brings coffee to her bed, but she doesn’t know how to react to it),
in your “rear” you will leave a person who does not wish you well (you will build new relationships, but they will begin to slip due to the fact that the former partner energetically blocks your future),
having left the relationship incorrectly, you may never again go through a very important experience for understanding something in this life,
any “unclosed” relationship slowly (or maybe not slowly) drains your energy.

But people most often not only do not get out of relationships correctly - they “tear” them. And then this "gap" has to be treated: long and painful.

Temporarily loneliness, perhaps, is good for some people: there is time to think, analyze, prepare for entering into a new relationship. But in general, my point of view is this: the Creator for some reason created men and women (and not solid hermaphrodites). And gave them personal tasks. In addition, there is the concept of integrity, and a lonely person is unlikely to be able to feel his integrity - he needs a “half”, which “opens” the concept of integrity in him.

For a very long time I did not find happiness in my personal life, until I met my woman, who became my wife. Thanks to her, I not only became happy myself, but also gained access to invaluable knowledge of the Universe regarding the relationship between men and women.

And now I can answer the questions that concern many people:

how for a woman to cultivate femininity in herself, and for a man - courage (and not vice versa, as is now happening all the time),
how to understand a life partner and communicate in such a way that they understand you too,
how to GIVE correctly and how to RECEIVE energy within the family, so that there is harmony,
how a woman can become a Muse for a man, and how a man can become a Hero for his woman,
how to learn life through relationships with a loved one,
how to be free INSIDE THE FAMILY,
HOW TO BE HAPPY.

At the moment, my flagship training program is the Personal Course.

From my own experience and the experience of many people, I realized that if you want to do what you love, get decent money for it, develop and improve, then this is possible only when your BASIC life program is closed - there is a loved one next to you, you love and you are loved, you understand him, and he understands you.

You have to QUIETLY do what you love knowing that you have a reliable rear.

Your creative energy should be spent on what you love, and not on an endless search for something or someone.

In my family, I understood exactly how the life force should flow, how to think about the high and good, and not about the petty and momentary.

And I am ready to share my experience.

Life is one, and you need to live it in such a way that in old age you don’t regret the mistakes you made, the wrong choice, the time spent on an unloved business and unloved people ...

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It happens like this - you come to one family, and there is comfort and order. Everything is in its place and all the work is done quickly and smoothly, as in an anthill. And you find yourself in another house - although there is prosperity, and peace in the family, but everyone lives in his own corner, as if not a family, but cockroaches.

In my family, one extreme, then the other periodically prevailed. I did not understand how it was possible to improve life without losing communication with relatives and without completely dissolving in household routines. At first it seemed to me that home comfort depends on financial well-being. That's what my husband thought. And he worked, he worked, he worked...

He looked for additional sources of income, advised me to learn how to save money (although I'm not used to spending money thoughtlessly). As a result, he became less likely to communicate with children, had little rest and was sick more often. Money began to go to treatment, the children behaved aloofly, and our family began to resemble those very notorious cockroaches in the corners.

I take control!

I decided to learn how to manage a family. Not only finances and order, but also the atmosphere of the house. It is time to change the role of the dishwasher and the cook to the role of the director, manager. I decided to start with finances, since it was this issue that worried my husband so much.

First, I calculated the family's monthly expenses and made a detailed spending plan. Then she divided the required amount in half (since the salaries of my husband and I are almost the same) and established the first rule - on the day of pay, the agreed amount is put in an envelope for family needs. Another 10% of the income of each of us went to the NZ envelope, for unforeseen expenses (illness, car breakdown, etc.). So the material side of the situation cleared up.

The next step was verbal agreements. For example, I was a little annoyed by my husband's remarks about the order in the kitchen. It’s more convenient for me when everything I need is at hand, and my husband called it a mess and insistently offered to hide groceries, dishes and devices on distant shelves.

Having decided to govern, I proposed to "divide the territory." That is, he lets me take charge of the kitchen, and I don't interfere in his garage business. We decided to deal with the upbringing of children, leisure and order in the house together. Importantly, we have always been able to negotiate and resolve conflicts peacefully. Any problems, claims or grievances are discussed immediately. Without screaming, tears and insults. This is very important in family management.

What else?

Motivate. I learned to motivate my husband. If earlier I had to remind him ten times about a broken socket, a loose chair or creaking door hinges, now I praise him for any work done and casually remind him: “You were still going to fix the socket, what an economic you are!”. After such praises, he was not just a socket, but he was ready to make repairs in one evening.

To plan. My planning has always been in the first place, but I'm a Virgo according to the horoscope. But the husband and children had to be taught from the basics. A calendar of holidays and memorable dates, a schedule for visits to the dentist and family doctors, a purchasing plan, a schedule for cleaning the house, we made all this together. Helps!

Do not be sad. There are days when you absolutely do not want to follow any plans, when everything falls out of your hands and it seems that nothing can be changed. These are the days I start with a smile. I try to remember the best, brightest and most joyful. I infect the whole family with positive and continue to manage the family ship.

Remember about yourself. This is the most difficult thing - not to dissolve in family affairs. The daily routine comes to the rescue again, where my favorite sky blue color indicates the time for self-care. First of all, I am a woman!

Who is in charge in your family?

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Often there comes a moment when a person is surrounded by close people, and, nevertheless, there is loneliness in the family, because everyone is practically on their own. This situation is so widespread nowadays that it is not surprising. For example, each of the household is in his own room, or in some personal corner, and is busy with his own business. In such a situation, there may be a feeling that a person is happy, it is cozy and calm around, because everyone is at home, passionate about their favorite activities, which means that everything is fine. At the same time, there are also many common interests, these are visits to friends, trips to museums, to the country, various discussions of events attended together, and so on.

However, such a feeling of absolute idyll can be disturbed by such feelings as longing and a feeling of loneliness in the family. According to many psychologists, this type of loneliness can be considered a problem in modern workaholic society, and getting rid of it is not so easy. Indeed, now loneliness is a disease of the modern world. Moreover, people are scattered, and many live on their own, detached. There is an opinion that humanity itself has created such a disease, because everyone, at their will, is able to become an individual without interference. It is especially difficult when mutual interest disappears in the family, in marriage.

Why mutual interest is lost

When creating a family, many are sure that marriage will help them eliminate the problem of loneliness. But in practice, it turns out that even in a large family, you can continue to feel lonely. Statistics confirm that in modern families You won’t surprise anyone with a lack of communication, although, theoretically, close people should always support each other in a difficult situation, empathize and help in every possible way. But, often a loved one behaves indifferently, and why this happens, experts in the field of psychology are trying to find out.

Although many suffer from loneliness in the family, it should be noted that this feeling comes gradually. The spouses have confidence that they, as before, love each other, but meanwhile, over time, they are less and less interested in each other and pay attention. Modern world sets new priorities, and therefore personal relationships are relegated to the background, and the dominant is material support families. The head of the family devotes all his strength to professional activities, and at home he no longer wants to discuss his problems.

As for the woman, she is loaded with household chores, taking care of children occupies a huge place in her life, and it is not surprising that her husband's problems cease to interest her. From a certain point in family relationships there is reticence, resentment, growing alienation. Tellingly, each of the spouses believes that they do not understand him, and feels loneliness.

The main problem of communication

There comes a period in a person's life when he has problems communicating in the family. It turns out that people are not able to express their feelings, and besides, they also do not want to hear the problems of another person. And at the same time, it is extremely important not only to be heard, but also to understand the mood of loved ones, to try to show participation. But, why at first everything is cloudless in a relationship, and only after a while, sometimes, even after a year, does loneliness in a prosperous family still make itself felt? Choosing a life partner, making an independent decision, many are sure that in the future they will be able to remake their other half, that is, simply adjust it for themselves, and these intentions can be considered a serious mistake.

Psychologists say that one should not waste time to re-educate someone, it is better to spend it on right choice. And even more so, one should not expect that one can make one of the family members ideal by constantly blaming.

There is another reason, quite significant, according to experts, which contributes to the estrangement of family members from each other and, as a result, loneliness. This is the internet social media and various blogs. It happens that one of the spouses prefers to communicate virtually, because you can take a fictitious name for yourself, and at the same time, remain yourself, express your own thoughts sincerely. As you know, a person begins to feel loneliness if he does not have the opportunity to be absolutely frank in communication. The Internet is able to correct this deficiency, and therefore becomes desirable.

Fear of being outspoken

Very often in family circle it is not possible to be frank, because sometimes the consequences are undesirable, and further, based on his expressed opinions, reproaches arise from the household, or people draw wrong conclusions. In addition, a person tends to be afraid of being misunderstood by those closest to him, which sometimes leads to a deterioration in relations, or even to the collapse of the family. All this contributes to a slow but steady increase in feelings of loneliness.

It is important that the family has common interests that unite the spouses. But it often happens that living in a marriage and already having children, people do not spend leisure time together, or it is minimal. If earlier the spouses liked some kind of joint type of recreation, over time it ceased to seem interesting and pleasant, and Alternative option selection is not always possible. In this regard, a woman has her own, separate interests, a man also has his own hobbies, and nothing connects them, loneliness in the family sets in. This condition is exacerbated if one of the couple cannot perceive himself as a person who is to a certain extent dependent on the partner. In such a situation, only personal desires are paramount, and the opinion of one's "second half" is ignored.

We continue a series of videos on how, after becoming parents, to remain a loving couple.

And if he is, then you do not want to be imposed. And go even deeper into children. And each one becomes more and more on its own.

If this is not about your family at all, today's issue will still be useful to you.

Hello! Yana Kataeva is with you. You are watching yanakataeva.com, and this is "Women's Environment", where your female wisdom is revealed for the benefit of your family.

This issue continues the theme "How, having given birth to children, not to lose each other." Today we will talk about such a sad, dreary situation, very common - we are on our own with the children, the husband is on his own. It’s as if there are two, I call camps inside the family: the camp is mom with children, the camp is dad.

This is a trap that is very easy to fall into! Getting out of it is not so easy. You need to make an effort. But, nevertheless, it is possible, and let's talk about how to do it.

The emotional connection between us is something very fragile and vulnerable. And it's very easy to break it. The whole tragedy is that once we violate it, then it is difficult to return it. Those. if one day we feel insecure, and it hurts us in this relationship, then the next time we are in no hurry to open up . And we either seek to attack, i.e. demand something, make claims, look for someone to blame, or we strive to close, move away, so that we no longer feel this pain from the fact that we are rejected, not loved, not significant, not valuable. And it's very easy to fall into this trap.

And therefore, the most important thing I ask you is to deal with your grievances. How does it usually happen? The husband comes home from work, the wife is offended by something. She is offended by something that happened today, for example, her husband did not call, was late, did not warn; or on something that happened yesterday, or grievances from some longer period have already accumulated. And instead of joyfully meeting him, hugging him wholeheartedly, instead of looking into his eyes, seeing how he feels today, in what mood he came, and starting a conversation with him, including him in a common space, she distances herself: this is dad, and this is us.

Perhaps you do not notice this behind you, and your husband, too, if you ask him, will not tell you anything like that, but he will feel something. Therefore, the most important thing is deal with your grievances. Don't hoard them, don't wear them silently, but speak them in the correct form, in the format of my favorite "I-messages".

Analyze with yourself why you were offended, whether there really was some kind of malicious intent on the part of your husband. Did you say what you wanted, or did you suggest that he should figure it out himself, and it was wrong of you, not of him. And thus, do not carry, do not cherish these grievances, deal with them, and then you can sincerely joyfully meet your husband, the father of your children, and include him in the common family space.

The second thing I want to recommend to you today is the rule that children should learn from an early age - when mom and dad are talking, kids don't interrupt. Or, if something is urgent, they interrupt with some kind of introductory phrase - “Can I interrupt you?”, For example. I invite my children to say this: “Excuse me, can I interrupt you?”. Because when mom and dad talk, it's important.

Well, there are other ways to show kids that mom and dad's communication is important, as important as their needs.

And I also want to remind you that most The best way restore contact is tactile. More tactile contacts, more small expressions of tenderness.

This topic is big. Today I would like to give these key recommendations on how to include dad in the family, how to avoid this dangerous insidious trap.

Tell us what you are doing in order to unite the family into one whole, in order to avoid this - me with the children and dad, husband.

Another tip I almost forgot! Please, when you communicate with your husband, call him by name or some affectionate name, nickname, which you practiced before having children. Don't call him papa, only if in jest. When you talk to children: “Dad, do this”, “Dad will come then”, “You ask dad” - this is natural and normal. But when you talk to your husband, please call him not dad, he is not your dad, your dad is a different person. Call him by his name or something affectionately.

Now that's all. Yana Kataeva was with you. I really look forward to your experience, how do you manage to cope with this. I really hope you share this. useful video with friends.

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The entry was posted on 10/28/2014 by the author in the rubric Be a wise wife , Create a friendly family . Like

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: 18 comments

Evgenia 29.10.2014 at 11:09
Thank you
Veronica 29.10.2014 at 12:21
We try to eat together. It seems to me that this is very important, even if we are not talking at the table.
aida 29.10.2014 at 13:51
Thank you, Yana, for your valuable advice and for the latest edition of the special report on the second wind. As for the relationship with dad, we have a whole ceremony of welcoming him from work. Daughter and son and I take turns hugging and kissing him. And in the family we have two camps: the camp of parents and the camp of children.
Elena 29.10.2014 at 15:35
Thank you Yana!!! I agree with everything! It's just a pity that these "pleasant little things" so often disappear from relationships. Thanks for giving me something to think about and work on. That's when I again began to call my husband the way I called before the birth of the children, he began to smile again.
Dasha 29.10.2014 at 15:39
Thank you! I'm on maternity leave. When my husband comes home from work, I turn on educational programs / cartoons for the children (or send them to children's games) and we have about an hour to discuss the past day. The husband at this time is resting, eating. After that, he communicates with the children, and I either also participate in this, or I take care of dinner, etc. If the weather is good, my children and I meet my husband at the playground and go home together. In the summer, when the day is big, we often walk all together in the evening, when my husband has rested. In my opinion, dad should not be too fenced off from raising children, you should also set aside an hour of silence or a favorite activity for yourself.
Irina 29.10.2014 at 15:45
Yana! How topical! Yes, and my husband and I are like that, alas. But the worst thing is that I can’t get my children to stop talking. The son (he is already 11 years old) easily flies in with burning eyes, if something is impatient to say. But his husband “sends” him in a rude form, and this is enough for a long time. My daughter (she is 4 years old) also constantly intermeddles. And whines, screams at dad "shut up." And he says to me, “Mom! Why did you find yourself such a talkative husband? Well, yes, my husband, if he starts telling something, then not for 5 minutes, but from 40 minutes to 2 hours, and he speaks on topics of interest to him, without worrying at all whether it is interesting to me, and without being interested, but what do I do I wonder what is happening in my life ... Now my daughter has adapted, as soon as I started talking to my husband, she immediately rushes into the room, grabs a tablet or phone and turns on cartoons. And if the gadgets are not available, then it starts to whine and interfere. The husband immediately goes berserk. and in the family “tear” again (in case of some tension in the family, the husband “plays silent”, not noticing either me or the children, as if we were not in his life and house at all, from 3 days to 2- x weeks 🙁) How can I teach children not to interfere and “ground” themselves (by the way, both of them are not able to be alone, they don’t want to play alone, they always need a companion, and due to the difference in age , the field and because of the existing jealousy, the children only fight together, they cannot occupy each other for 5 minutes, not to mention 2 hours)
Elena 29.10.2014 at 17:07
Thank you
Irina 29.10.2014 at 20:54
Jan, thank you very much! It is very useful to learn about caring for the We - about other ways to maintain relationships, except for time together.
Evgenia 10/30/2014 at 00:57
Very valuable and relevant, you always give advice and raise topics! Thank you very much Yana! I read you regularly and began to appreciate my husband more! I understand that everything is fine with us, although there is, of course, something to work on! We have a mandatory farewell ritual before dad's work. Be sure to all line up for "kissing")))) dad kisses us all and departs. In the evening, if he comes before everyone is already asleep, he definitely devotes time to them, plays, runs with them. As for interruptions, the older child (3 years old) often does this. And if we communicate in raised tones, the two of them start screaming. Just ahhh. And you have to change the tone of the conversation)))) you won’t even quarrel 😉
Daria 10/30/2014 at 04:04
Thank you, Yana, for the idea of a respectful attitude of children to the conversation of parents! Only tonight, my daughter did not give us two words on the way from the bus stop where we met dad, to say to each other. I explained to her that we would take turns talking with her and dad, but it still didn’t work out smoothly. We both communicate a lot with the child, but my daughter wants constant communication with her. Thank you for drawing my attention to this issue, as you say, "What the focus grows on," we will work. You brought to light my vague suspicions that this situation is not ideal)
Catherine 10/30/2014 at 08:51
Yana, thanks! I never thought that a husband can not be called dad! Sometimes I do that! Heart-to-heart conversations with her husband usually take place without a child, and now she has gone to kindergarten and I miss her so much that I want to talk only with her and find out what she is doing there so interesting.
What we do to unite the family: obligatory kisses and hugs at parting and meeting (both with her husband and with her daughter in the kindergarten), an obligatory joint dinner. True, he is a little twitchy for me, because. My daughter needs something all the time. If we didn’t have time to discuss business at dinner, then after dinner we will definitely discuss the news at work
Nastya 10/30/2014 at 23:19
We love “crushers” 🙂 On weekends, the child and I get up earlier (well, like “we”, he gets up and picks me up: “Mom, go cook porridge.” Or he just behaves so noisily that there’s nothing left for me) And Husband is lucky he doesn't care about noise. Well, I entertain the child in the kitchen as much as I can, and then he breaks into the room and starts kissing, hugging, jumping on his dad. And when I see that my husband has already woken up and is cheerful (if I woke him up like that, he I wouldn’t be happy at all, but a child can), I also fall on the sofa and we arrange a bunch, tickle, sit under the blanket “in the house”, throw pillows, wrap each other in a blanket (this is called “pancake”) and hug tightly. Very good

Yana, thanks! Both for the report and for the video. For me, this is very relevant at this time. “Mom and dad are talking. It is important!" I borrowed from you a long time ago. Works! Sometimes, of course, the children are indignant, they try to insert their “important” anyway, but our conversations with my husband are relatively short, so we usually manage to sort it out. Our life situation now it is complicated by the fact that I work at 2 jobs, and my husband is in search (he quit the old one, did not get a new one). When I was “sitting at home” on maternity leave, there was a huge demand from me. And now he is “sitting” and he is depressed ... Of course, he does not fulfill my household duties either. I perform them to the best of my ability and ability, again, after 2 jobs ... + worries about the lack of money, uncertainty about the future. And that's where the nerves kicked in. And I wanted to cry, and hide in a corner, and so that no one touched ... I wanted to hug, caress, console ... But none of this happened. And again the abyss opened up, as it had happened before ... Your report, Yana, helped me a lot to understand and think about what happened. Thank you for your hard work, unwavering optimism and support.
Julia 12.01.2015 at 10:08
Elena does not work with all children. My 4 year old ignores explanations, she wants now and that's it! And terribly whines at the same time! The rest of the children, even a daughter of 1 year and 9 months. understands this approach.