Disorderly man signs. What is a real man like? Decent guy - what is he
Question to a psychologist
Good evening! I am 34 years old, divorced, have a child. I am very worried about such a moment, how can you find a decent man at all? Are there any more and where can I find them? For me, as I understand myself, a career is not so important work and status do not bring me satisfaction, material values \u200b\u200band too, the only thing that costs money, I like traveling. Also motherhood, I realized myself in it, and relationships with a man are very important. Again, everywhere advice on this topic implies a rich man, I don’t need him. Yes, and official marriage, as I understand it, also doesn’t mean anything in terms of happiness. I’m now very depressed because I can’t find my own man, a good man, affectionate, caring, responsible and hardworking .for my part, I can give it, but I also want to receive it in return. Moreover, I have more than 20 acquaintances and everyone has a complete nightmare with men who have children, go to work, go to parties, etc. but the fact is, you can find a man, but a good, decent one is impossible. Is it really so? Maybe we are all looking for the wrong thing, well, it can’t be that there are only loafers, gigolos and womanizers around.
Hello Alena.
Decent men have not yet died out on this planet. It's true. In practice, I can say that those women who work on themselves, work out their former unsuccessful relationships, their principles, projections, high expectations, and so on, meet their men much faster. And the truth is that not everyone needs to get married. As for you, it would be better if you make an appointment with a psychologist in person. Because there is a lot of work in female-male relations, and there are always a lot of expectations. It's not a fast job. It is possible to meet a man, but then something else must be done with him in order for the relationship to develop and be maintained. For starters, you can start on your own - oh, how much information. But, personally, what is strong inside - it is better to take it to a psychologist and work it out.
All the best
Evgenia Kislitsyna, psychologist in Almaty
Good answer 4 bad answer 1Hello Alena.
If you need ONLY a decent man, then you need to find out for yourself: what is a decent man? When you find out, it will be clear where such people "are found", "graze", etc.
If you need a MAN, then this task is much more difficult.
The first steps might be:
1. Why do I need at all?
2. What problems / tasks do I want / can solve with him?
3. What, specifically, the man I need, starting with the body and ending with the brain.
Then there are 20-30 more questions.
A psychologist can help you find answers in person where you live.
Kamyshev Konstantin Anatolyevich, psychologist, Omsk
Good answer 2 bad answer 4Hello. Alena. Your difficulties are deeply unconscious. Therefore, they are not amenable to conscious control. Therefore, you came up with an attitude about the badness of men in order to solve the issue in your own way with lesser forces. In fact, you choose an initially bad man (unconsciously). is safe, and if he leaves you, you won’t feel much injury and pain. Moreover, you can easily leave yourself. At the same time, you begin to rebuild him and make him Good. But, he resists and doesn’t want to be pressured. Therefore, everything ends with insults. The way out is to restore interest in warm and caring men. Today they are a gray, inconspicuous crowd. Since you are afraid of them and they are not familiar to you. Since this type of parent has not been familiar to you since childhood .And, not knowing what to expect from him and how to communicate, you devalue these masculine deposits, afraid of not matching and afraid of a strong fear of being rejected and abandoned by him. This fear is many times stronger than with the first type of men. Therefore, grateful and warm you and not they noticed and did not consider. They simply, ruthlessly denied. But in order to evaluate such a man, it is important to evaluate yourself first. it’s bad for you - you choose bad men. When you start looking at yourself well at polar opposite men. That’s when everything will work out. Personal therapy can help you effectively. If you want, contact me, I can help.
Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd
Good answer 1 bad answer 0
Just as a man looks at women and tries to determine in advance which of them will suit him, so girls try to find out what qualities a guy should have and with whom it is better for her to connect her future life.
And if we take into account all the good qualities of a guy that he should have, then each girl will have her own ideas about the young man of her dreams. This is not surprising, since each lady has her own taste and desires.
Probably it will not be a secret for anyone that both the good qualities of a guy, and everything that he has bad, can only be determined by the girl who will look at him with an interested look. At first glance, it is rather difficult to say anything about a person.
But such questions need to be clarified in advance, since the harmony of the future family will depend on this: a man and a woman must initially have a set of qualities that will allow them to either get closer even more, or repel each other.
This is very important because in order to find mutual language in the difficult situation, it is necessary not to set yourself up for conflicts and showdown in advance, but to notice only the best qualities in each other.
But what positive qualities should a guy have so that a woman can follow him, loving and respecting him faithfully?
You can probably say that a young man must have a mind. Indeed, this is an important, but far from such a main quality; the mind is a gift from above and it is inherent in any person to varying degrees. Today, you can often hear that a guy should be sexy as well.
But in fact, this is not the main thing, because sexuality is just as much a subjective trait as the human mind. This is present not only in men, but also in women.
If we are talking about the sexuality of a young man, then it is more appropriate to put the question as follows: how reasonably does he act with this quality?
If a girl is interested in the good qualities of a guy, then she must understand that they can not always be immediately noticed. Psychologists say that each person can count about a hundred different qualities, both bad and good.
But still, each person has a few of the most basic ones, which can be seen already during several conversations with him. Now it’s not about that, but about what basic good qualities a guy should have?
First quality: responsibility
Would a girl like a guy to have a developed sense of duty both to her, and in the future and to his family? This means that he will look for various ways in order to provide for his family as best as possible and protect them from various troubles.
A responsible man does not wait for a good vacancy to be presented to him on a silver platter and will not be dependent on a woman. If it is not possible to immediately find a decent job, he will go to unload the cars, only so that the family does not live in poverty.
Even at a time when a guy is just dating a lady, he must show his responsibility. How? Often, young ladies look at the men they meet as their potential husbands.
And if a young man has such a basic quality as responsibility, then he will not fool the girl if he is not going to marry her. If among the good qualities of a guy there is a sense of responsibility, then he will always fulfill these promises.
The second quality: purposefulness
This quality can be placed in second place, because if a guy does not have a goal in life, then he is unlikely to achieve great success. And even in the case when he has a goal only in relation to himself, then such a guy cannot be trusted, since he will only think about himself.
For a purposeful man, a woman will be an assistant and companion in achieving the goal. It is important to remember that if these are noble goals, then the union of two hearts will become strong enough.
If the highest goal is only to achieve pleasure in life, then such a union will quickly fail.
Third quality: honesty
If among the good qualities of a guy there is decency, then he can be trusted not only with material values, but also with his future. Such a young man will never stoop to such a state as to reproach or insult his chosen one.
A person with this quality will think not so much about himself as about the one who is nearby. Such young man a girl can entrust her honor as well as her life.
But it should be borne in mind that such an indicator as decency also includes loyalty, tact, nobility, honesty. After all, these words can be replaced in a sentence and its meaning will not change at all. Is it possible to put "honesty" instead of the word "decency"?
Of course, if you say; he acted decently (honestly, nobly), then these qualities are not only quite close, but we can say that they are even interchangeable. Such a young man will not cheat on his chosen one either physically or mentally.
How to determine if a man is decent?
Integrity is one of the most important male qualities:
- A decent man with two women will never compliment one of them - by doing this he not only deprives the second woman of attention, but also offends.
- Even in the case when he is in the presence of one woman, he will not praise, exalt another in her presence.
- In society, he will not talk about the shortcomings of other people or make comments to his girlfriend. And if he starts to sort things out with her in public, then it is necessary to part with such a person as quickly as possible.
If he does not like any act or words of his chosen one, then he will find a convenient opportunity to talk with her about this situation in private. It will be fair and just on his part.
But it is worth bearing in mind that the good qualities of a guy are not limited to this. In addition to responsibility, purposefulness and decency, he must also have other positive qualities that can turn a young guy into a real man.
You should know that although the world is devoid of absolute perfection, such a concept as " a real man still exists. You can always lean on his strong shoulder.
A real guy must be strong
This does not mean that he will have well-developed muscles, but that he will never complain and whine for any reason.
Even if the circumstances are not in his favor, then a real man will be able to cope with all the problems.
A real guy's word is law
If a man makes any promise, he will try to fulfill it. And if it fails to fulfill it, then he will not make any promise. And this applies to both promises to his girlfriend, also to other people. He would rather lose time and money than break his word.
It is worth remembering that you can acquire the good qualities of a guy, for this you only need to want it. A real guy will always respect himself and others, love, appreciate and forgive.
The next type of men with whom it is difficult or impossible to build normal relationships and a normal family are Don Juans. Don Juan do not want any relationship with women. They like only exceptionally quick seduction. Many men, of course, are interested in quick sex, but the Don Juans are not interested in anything else.
It is clear that after Don Juan achieves his goal, he very quickly loses interest in the girl (woman). And if this is really Don Juan, and not just a young man with an excess of hormones, then nothing can be done, no matter how hard the girl tries.
How to understand a man whether he is a Don Juan or not? There are not so many real Don Juans, even home-grown ones. However, due to their incredible activity, they can give the impression that they are almost 30%. How to recognize Don Juan?
Increased attention to one's appearance.
This is an indirect and not completely accurate sign, however, it helps to recognize Don Juan well. It can only be used in conjunction with other features of Don Juan.
At the same time, with the help of it, you can easily and most importantly very quickly weed out potential Don Juan from ordinary guys. Then you can already look more closely, which usually takes more time.
So, the average guy, especially the unmarried one, pays little attention to his appearance by the standards of girls. The maximum that guys are capable of is to pump up or buy something expensive. But usually, even if there is money, it is spent on all sorts of gadgets, trips, cars, etc.
Don Juan pays a lot of attention to appearance, as he knows that this is one of his main tools in the rapid conquest of women.
So, what does our potential homegrown Don Juan pay attention to and what do ordinary guys not pay attention to?
- dandruff on the hair. It is rare for a guy to look at the amount of dandruff in his hair.
- wrinkled shirt, trousers, etc. Most regular guys grab the first shirt they can get their hands on, and so on. Sometimes even something is ironed, but something is not.
- Dirty shoes. What is surprising, but guys somewhere up to 30-35 years old very rarely wash or clean their shoes.
- the smell of sweat from the armpits, unshaven hair under the arms. One of the most harmful habits for relationships with girls is the smell of sweat. However, so many ordinary guys do not pay enough attention to this.
- belly in men over 30 years old. In men over 30 years old, in almost 90% of cases, a stomach appears. If he does not appear, then why? Maybe he works in some structure where a high degree of sports training is required? Maybe he is a professional athlete? Maybe he is married and his wife monitors his nutrition and health? Or maybe just Don Juan.
- very small and almost invisible pieces of dirt or food on clothes. Invisible to men, of course. Women usually easily see that there are traces of fat on the trousers, albeit carefully erased by hand. Women see that there is dirt on the sleeves of the shirt, collar, etc.
- in principle, cheap clothes, even if the budget allows it. Quite a few, especially young guys, don't spend a lot of money on nice clothes, even if their income allows.
- hair from the ears and nose. No comments.
- unevenly trimmed or even unkempt fingernails and toenails, etc. A lot of men cut their nails somehow. There are also those who take care of themselves and do it carefully or even go to the manicure (pedicure) master.
I have listed several main signs by which you can understand a man and determine whether a man is watching himself more than usual or not. I repeat that this is not yet a 100% sign of Don Juan. You need to look at it in combination with other signs. However, at a minimum, this is a sign in order to take a closer look at the man and check him for compliance with other issues.
It is possible, of course, that work associated with constant communication and the need to influence people led a man to the need to pay attention to his appearance.
However, even in this case there is usually some discrepancy. For example, if there is a need to manage people, then good clothes(suit), hairstyle, confidence can be developed, but there may be a stomach, an unpuffed figure, since this does not affect the ability to lead people. Speaking of how to become more confident, read the book "HOW TO BECOME CONFIDENT IN YOURSELF IN 3 MONTHS." The technique for developing confidence in this book is suitable for both guys and girls.
And vice versa, there may be sportiness due to the requirements of the job (law enforcement agencies, coach, etc.), but do not pay attention to the rest.
Don Juan, as a rule, pays attention to everything that is important for girls. (Depends, of course, on the level of Don Juan. There are hard workers, there are top managers, but the principle is the same).
I must say right away that if a man is married or was long time married, then he can monitor his appearance quite well (or rather, usually his wife watches). So there is a good chance well-groomed man not Don Juan in the truest sense of the word, but simply married.
The second sign that will help you recognize Don Juan is smooth courtship, especially at the initial stage. (Introduction and first two dates)
I will probably not reveal a big secret to you if I say that the vast majority of men who even had a dozen or even more women before marriage, are not very good at courting women. What can we say about those ordinary guys who only had a few girls (or none at all).
After all, seduction and courtship are rarely taught anywhere. It is assumed that a guy or a man himself will somehow learn everything, just by talking with girls. And in principle it is justified to some extent.
It is "Somehow" the average guy, of which 90% knows how to care for a girl.
And if in detail:
First, he doesn't take care of his appearance. (What is above)
Secondly, during courtship, pauses constantly appear, the duration of which is clearly higher than the usual comfortable communication. This means that the man does not know what to say (or blurted out something, but did not work).
Thirdly, the man behaves like an idiot. That is, he tells completely idiotic stories. His anecdotes are not funny, his life stories are not interesting. He climbs to hug either too early or too late. He doesn't know how to compliment a girl. Maybe even show up on a first date without flowers.
Another thing is a person who has already mastered everything. This in our example can be just Don Juan-homegrown. (though not always)
Don Juan usually has appearance everything is fine. But even this is not the main thing. The main thing is the smoothness of courtship.
Everything is worked out enough and therefore goes without pauses. There are funny stories (for women). A man knows how to present himself. He can say nice compliment. He can show that he is confident. It is clear that he will not come on a date without flowers or a gift.
I repeat that this sign (smoothness of courtship) cannot be considered separately from others. It is possible that a man from childhood had a pronounced sanguine character (he was very sociable, etc.)
But for the vast majority of ordinary men, the smoothness of courtship is not characteristic. Of course, later, as the girl and the guy get used to each other, as they have common topics for communication and knowledge of each other's character, the smoothness of communication will develop.
However, I'm talking more about the first meeting and at most the first two dates. If at the first meeting and on the first two dates the courtship of a man is skillful and everything goes like clockwork, then it is very likely that the man is a local Don Juan 
.
Once again I will repeat those signs by which one can judge the smoothness of courtship.
— The presence of almost a dating scenario on a first date. That is, a man does not mutter something indistinct like "What weather is good, so give me your phone", and can easily tell a story in a topic, chat, make you laugh and invite you on a date.
I repeat, an ordinary standard man will not do this without training. Depending on the age and experience of communicating with girls, he will mumble more or less, be stupid, be rude (sometimes without noticing it), look greedy (although not necessarily so).
— Well-established dating program.
The average man doesn't really know what to do on first dates. He offers either a movie, or a cafe, or go to his house, or something else. Don Juan has a more or less worked out program of action.
He is unlikely to invite you to visit his house and drink wine on the first date. (Unless the girl is really easy prey) He is unlikely to fuss with incomprehensible suggestions on how to spend a date (and then the cafe is closed, and there are no movie tickets).
He almost certainly has a program or, for the more experienced Don Juan, several programs of action. Everything worked out. He knows where to climb a skyscraper, he feels at home in nightclubs, he knows where to ride a boat with a girl. He knows what words and compliments you want to hear. (You can continue the list yourself)
- Worked out sequence of actions.
An ordinary man constantly gets lost in sequence. Then he is in too much of a hurry and tries to climb with his hands where it is not necessary. The girl is already ready, but he does nothing.
More or less experienced Don Juan does everything on time.
- Spent stories, anecdotes.
The fact is that even among relatively sociable men who do not pay attention to Don Juanism, conversations are tuned to men. Their stories and anecdotes are mostly funny to men.
And when these stories are told to girls, the girls do not laugh at least, but at most they can think that the man is at odds with the mind (if they don’t play along, of course, for some reason).
More experienced men who communicate a lot and successfully with girls remove from their repertoire those stories and anecdotes that are not funny to girls and do not arouse their interest.
Therefore, if all or almost all the stories of a man arouse interest and laughter in you (as well as nearby girls), then it is likely that Don Juan is in front of you.
So, the smoothness of courtship is one of the best signs of Don Juan homegrown. If you know how to recognize this smoothness, you will easily identify Don Juan.
I'll make a little analogy. For example, several men gathered and began to throw a basketball into the basket. Someone does not hit at all (an inexperienced man, in our analogy), someone hits better. And suddenly you see that there is a man who hits the basket with the ball almost always, in different positions, from afar and close.
It is clear that this man is engaged in basketball and quite intensively. After all, no one has an innate skill of hitting the ball into the basket.
So it is in the relationship between a man and a woman. There are no men with innate good wooing skills. If suddenly you see such a man, it means that he learned such skills somewhere. Where is the question? Of course, you can improve such a skill in some psychology courses or by practicing in front of a mirror. However, a good skill can only be achieved through caring for a large number of women and some sort of practice, analysis of the skill. (Don Juan in fact)
Do not think that I recommend that you definitely meet a man who has no skills in communicating with girls at all. This can be quite tricky and can get boring soon. But too good skills, smooth courtship is a strong sign that a man is Don Juan.
Look for other signs. If they are present to one degree or another, then this is not even an assumption, but almost a 100% conclusion.
One of the main signs of Don Juan is that they are psychologically immature.. (either infantile or hard manipulative)
But without this sign, all of the above may not indicate that the man is Don Juan, but that he is under an excess of hormones (youth or even at an older age), that he is due to something (innate beauty, confidence, money) too spoiled by women, but not Don Juan. That is, you can make a mistake, sometimes costly, based on only two signs.
Therefore, I suggest that you first think about whether your man you know has the first two signs. (too much attention to their appearance, the smoothness of courtship). Only then can we look at psychological immaturity.
How to distinguish between extremely infantile men and men prone to harsh manipulation, you can read in separate articles. How to recognize a male manipulator and what to do? and How to spot a manipulator? (Part 2)
But in a nutshell, it could be:
- Excessive selfishness.
That is, a man does not want (cannot) do anything for you. He does not listen to what you say to him (pretends to listen, and then again about his own). He only spends money on himself.
— Unethical, manifested in one form or another.
— Dependence on someone.
“Obvious avoidance of even minor help to the girl. (For example, he is immediately busy as soon as he needs help to do something)
On this, perhaps, we can finish.
Let's sum up a little. Don Juans are those men with whom, due to the peculiarities of their psyche, it is almost impossible to build normal long-term relationships. Even if the girl is the best, is well versed in the psychology of men, the most beautiful and smartest, then this will not stop the real Don Juan. (No matter how much you feed the wolf, he still looks into the forest). The maximum that you can do is to identify them in time and refuse to communicate with him.
In principle, in the book "23 Mistakes in Relationships with Men" I spoke in detail about the Don Juans, and about psychopaths, and about manipulators and other types of men. Buy and read.
Sincerely, Rashid Kirranov.
How does sympathy for a man arise?
The first thing any woman pays attention to is appearance. In a few seconds, we scan a man who has fallen into the field of vision, noting to himself how he is dressed, shod, how he smells, shaved and combed. If everything suits us from an aesthetic point of view, we put a tick in our minds in front of the phrase “seems to fit”. And we begin to perceive the man "by ear", that is, we evaluate what and how he says. And to observe - to evaluate how a man behaves in society. And here, at this stageIt is very important not to rush and carefully listen and watch!
The key to the success of future happiness is already in the early stages of a relationship, determine whether the intended partner is capable of experiencing the highest moral feelings - conscience, empathy, compassion and honesty.
Sometimes this is not easy!
Example:
Lera met Victor at a friends birthday party. A common feast, slow dances to romantic music, a walk under the night moon immediately brought them closer. A week after they met, Lera called Victor her man. He smiled condescendingly in response.
In principle, Lera was pleased with her gentleman. True, Victor could not keep his promises, be late for a date or not come at all. But Lera attributed this to character traits that are unlikely to seriously overshadow their relationship. It didn't bother her that Victor could yell at a woman on the bus who hit him with her elbow. And even when it turned out that Victor could not repay the debt to the husband of the very friend from whom they met, Lera did not sound the alarm. “He loves me,” she shrugged proudly. "And the rest I don't care about."
When did Victor after six months of courtship suddenly stopped communicating, Lera offended and bewildered sobbed: "What a scoundrel he is! If I knew..".
But she knew! I just didn't want to notice!
From the first days, Lena convincingly lied to herself that everything was perfect. That this is her destiny. Lena so wanted to quickly close the “question of finding the second half” that she turned a blind eye to Viktor’s dishonesty in all its manifestations, justifying the situation in every way, and not even comparing the merits and demerits of the chosen one (since he didn’t particularly demonstrate merits, and justify him directly there was nothing corny), but independently attributed to him,imaginary attitude towards her. Lena, being a noble and decent person, really did not want to believe that not everyone in the world is just as noble. She didn't want to admit to herself that Victor was a real bastard. The fictional fairy tale seemed very beautiful.
Such behavior is very typical for a modern highly moral woman who has not lost faith in people. Guided by the stereotype that has settled in my head “you need to get married, because if you sort out men, then you are somehow wrong” and even fueled by emotions and physiological processes characteristic of the initial period of a relationship, women at the very beginning of the path either consciously or unconsciously close their eyes to manifestations of dishonesty on the part of a man. Or they simply do not have practical knowledge of how to determine the true essence of the man whose courtship they accept.
To the question asked in the forehead: “Is he a decent person?” - we will hear either a confident "yes" or a blurry "in relation to me - yes." While the reasonable, calm and wise answer “I hope so, but I cannot say, since we have known each other for a very short time,” we are hardly lucky to hear. And of course, we are unlikely to hear “no”, since either a mentally unintegrated person or a woman who is led by a cold cynical calculation can consciously go into a relationship with a scoundrel.
Psychologists, what are psychologists, ordinary common sense tells us to associate our lives withnoble and decent people. AT long term no dishonorable man can make any woman happy for a long time. What is called, by definition. Saying "dishonest" we do not mean a man with correctable shortcomings, such as slovenliness or everyday laziness. We mean a man deprived of the highest moral qualities, such as conscience, sympathy, compassion and honesty, that is, a man who shows signs of psychopathy . And if you know how to correctly analyze a man’s behavior, know the principles of psychology, that is, know what to look at and how to interpret what you see, you can easily guess who is next to you, what is his value system and whether it exists at all.
The principle of quadruple repetition
Imagine that you have an internal counter, and before making a judgment about character human , mentally add one, noticing actions , whichs repeatyatsya more than four times . Analyze the behavior of the person you are watching and track the number of repetitions of behavior patterns that your potential partner chooses for himself in more or less similar situations.
So, a very indicative sign of nature is the desire or unwillingness to take revenge on the offender. If you notice that revenge has manifested itself four times or more, keep in mind. Most likely in front of youpsychopath - a person in whom a sense of anger and cruelty predominates (since revenge is always associated with a manifestation of cruelty and even violence). A person whose personality is governed by love, tolerance and generosity will aim for forgiveness. Yes, he can merge into the offender, he can even resort to revenge (and often regret it later), but these will be one-time, not recurring situations. AND if a person takes revenge four times, he will take revenge whenever possible and enjoy it. It is quite possible that one day you or your child will anger him with something. Are you ready to consciously become the object of revenge of a cruel person? I don't think.
The essence of the human soul is most truthfully manifested in crisis situations. No wonder there is a saying that a friend in need is a friend! It is extremely significant that how a person behaves when he has to make a difficult life choice. Does he take a position of unhealthy selfishness and acts solely in his own interests, and chooses a path that is contrary to the interests of everyone else. Or in his actions lies the idea of caring not only for himself, but also for the environment. B a noble person and in a crisis situation will give up personal gain for the well-being of loved ones.
Very revealing in this regard was the behavior of some men against the background of the flood in x. Crimean ( Krasnodar region). When some men fled, leaving everyone and everything, including their own families. And others, on the contrary, again and again returned to the filled residential buildings, collecting and taking people out. Even strangers. Even those with whom yesterday were in a quarrel.
Relations within society. Pay attention to actions, they are always much more significant than words.
Noble,decent human u respects and appreciates not only his own comfort and peace, but equally protects and appreciates the attitudes of the society in which he lives. Please note that how your chosen one treats strangers. Does he interact with service personnel in a cafe, shop or queue. AT outbursts of aggression or rudeness - clear reason alert. Because a man who can be rude to an outside woman will then be rude to the one next to him.
Very well reveal the nature of small domestic troubles that do not concern a person personally. For example, a banal assistance to the driver, stuck on the road car. You can drive past, or you can get out and help. Usually similar situations do not take up a lot of time, and yes, you can drive past once, because “there is no time”, you can do it the second time, but when your chosen one regularly ignores victims of this kind, and even allows himself derogatory statements from the “it’s his own fault” series, keep in mind , one day he may begin to treat you the same way. Because such disrespect for others is characteristic of him in general, and not of unfortunate drivers in particular. And this must be understood very soberly. Such people show respect only where they seek personal gain. They are not capable of selfless manifestation of positive feelings, if they are able to feel at all (as is the case with psychopaths). Such a person will show or pretend to show love, affection and a desire to help only as long as it is beneficial for him, as long as you give him something that he needs, such as sex or money or a roof over his head. As soon as his need decreases, the incentive to show his best side evaporates from such people. Having connected your life with a person who is guided by the calculation, you risk one day realizing that you have been tritely used.
Constancy and fidelity. Will your love boat crash into everyday life?
The potential propensity for betrayal, social and spiritual inconstancy can also be determined by indirect signs. Not always, but very often an excessive need for diversity (in varied food, frequent trips to new places, new entertainment and thrills) indicates that the state of a calm, measured life is such a h man will be hard to bear. The higher your companion's need for new emotions, adventures and thrills, the more likely it is that sexual and social, such as companionship, true awn are unusual for him. He's bored. He will always demand the continuation of the banquet. Yes, some people get older. Others will be able to control the constant desire to “change the picture”, manage it, and even include their partner in the search for new experiences, such as traveling with you. But the fact remains, constancy for such people is a difficult choice.
To understand whether you have met the right person, you must try to objectively assess the degree of his readiness for the routine phenomena of life. Ask if he was diligent in school. Find out if he has hobbies and how often he changed them. Ask your potential lover if he likes to party. Is he into extreme sports? Gently inquire, if convenient, how long his relationship with your predecessors lasted. This is very valuable information, on the basis of which it is easy to judge how constant a person is.
Aggression
The level of temper and, as a result, aggression can also be recognized by watching a person from the side. Processes are very informative, in which a large number of participants are involved, focused on themselves and their line of behavior, that is, non-team social processes. For example, you learn a lot about your companion by watching him as a participant in public traffic. See how he drives. If he is nervous, swears, twitches from row to row, tries without fail to become the first at the traffic lights, “cuts off” neighboring cars, you can say with a probability of 99% that in family life it will behave exactly the same. Before you is a quick-tempered, hot, aggressive person, for whom the environment is second-class people. Their attitude will be appropriate.
Criticism and perfectionism. Excessive demands on oneself and others
In hell for perfectionists, there is neither fire nor the devil. There are only slightly asymmetrically chipped boilers.
Try to pay attention to howcriticalhumanin relation toto yourself andto others. It is quite possible that behind the desire to bring everything to perfection - this is just a mask behind which lies excessive perfectionism. And constant criticism of everything around is an indicator low self-esteem and self-doubt.
After all, who is a perfectionist? Essentially, this is unloved child, who had to win parental love with perfect homework, clean floors, and immaculately carved crafts. Growing up, perfectionists, who, alas, have not found another way of recognition, continue to strive for ideality and demand ideality from the person who is nearby. Sometimes a perfectionist's desire for perfection turns a relationship into torture. Because they can exert enormous psychological pressure on a partner, justifying their actions with seemingly noble statements from the series “I just want it to be beautiful / right / perfect.” Perfectionists and critics are constantly trying to "improve" their family members, gradually instilling in them the idea that before that they were "not good enough." And although it is possible to fight the manifestations of hyperperfectionism, it is very difficult.
Decency
The attitude of a decent person to the people around him is based onthe principle of mutual exchange - "you can not only take or only give." Nature, whose life rules lie in this plane, will always repay debts, will not be afraid to borrow money if close people need it. He will not only accept help, but also show an independent desire to help, that is, the balance of egoism and altruism in a decent person is almost perfect.
In addition, about how decent a person your companion is can be judged by his loyalty to the word. Decent people either keep their promises or don't make them at all. This can also be attributed to selfish lies. If you have witnessed a lie that your relationship partner admonishes someone from his environment, be on the lookout! He will most likely lie within his own family.
Vulnerability
Degree vulnerability a partner is determined by how a person reacts to barbs in his address - indifferently or painfully cringing.
It is clear that one should not be offended and that one should protect the one who is nearby if he is not able to protect himself. For example, a man standing up for a woman causes approval and support. However, there are situations when no one planned to attack, but the person himself came up with and was offended. Excessive vulnerability of one of the partners sometimes results in a state of constant tension in a couple, as there is always a fear in the air to say something “wrong” to such a sissy and get another scandal with elements of hysteria. And sometimes even an innocent joke can serve as a signal for resentment. Very well, the level of vulnerability is manifested when a person is in the spotlight. Allow yourself a bold joke about your partner, and by how adequate his reaction will be, you can judge his vulnerability.
Vulnerability, in turn, closely coexists with a person's self-esteem. In order to evaluate the chosen one according to this criterion, it is necessary to follow his reaction to praise. With he seems to be thankful and smiles - a sign of healthy self-esteem, begins to make excuses and assures that there is nothing to praise him for, or smugly raises an eyebrow, accepting kind words for granted - signs of low self-esteem. Do I need to say that in life together Is it easier to communicate and negotiate with people with normal self-esteem? Because people with low self-esteem are characterized by touchiness, short temper and perfectionism. And in relationships, they most often need a nanny, the meaning of whose life is to pity and help the innocent victim of life's circumstances. And people with high self-esteem do not need a wife, but a fan. People with an abnormal level of self-esteem resist building partnerships, preventing their partner from becoming on the same level with them. They need to stand either a little lower or a little higher. In both cases, the one who is told which step to take suffers more. In healthy relationships, people are on the same level and do not consciously or even unconsciously try to manipulate each other.
Having defined person's character, then it is useful to find out what the prospective partner has life goals, interests, what he wants to get from the relationship. Therefore, communicating is important be silent moreask more questions listen and watch! It is especially important to pay attention to the contradictions in your views on life and in the system of yours and his values, because conflicts in this area will manifest themselves sooner or later. And do not rush to justify the gentleman you like, closing your eyes to emerging shortcomings. Remember, everything that your chosen one does in relation to the environment, he will later broadcast within your union, in relation to you and your children!
And at the same time, do not forget about objectivity! If a person has shown certain signs of deviation from the norm, for example, a temper has manifested itself, this does not mean that the relationship should be put an end to! Ideal people No, but everyone has flaws. It's just that in some cases they are insignificant and can be corrected, while in others they are incorrigible and unambiguously destructive. For example, the same irascibility in itself is just a character trait, and not a reason to run away from a man. A person may have a hot temperament, be impulsive, but at the same time he will never allow himself to show aggression towards a woman. It's one thing to vehemently scold a politician on TV, and quite another to raise your voice at family members.
How to find this line between a slight tilt towards abnormality and a complete lack of chances for healthy partnerships, read in the following chapters of the book Illusions in Relationships.