Just a step from love to hate. Why is there only one step from love to hate? Return trip. From hate to love
« Love passes with the words: I wish you happiness».
MM. Zhvanetsky
« Hate is love crippled by resentment».
Ask anyone: what is the opposite of love? Surely, the majority will answer: hatred. At first glance, everything is correct. So, if we approach the issue from the point of view of philology, then the antonym of the word “love” will indeed be “hatred”. However, in psychology the problem looks somewhat different.
And what do you think, dear reader, what is actually the opposite of love? Well, of course, indifference. After all, both love and hate are very strong feelings. When a person loves or hates, he is overwhelmed with emotions.
“Love is a great misfortune. - says M.M. Zhvanetsky. – At this moment, it’s impossible to write, it’s time lost for a lot, you stop being a person… This is when you wriggle, suffer, and there’s such pain inside somewhere between your heart and breath, and you don’t know where it came from, this pain, and how to get rid of it, and you perfectly understand that nothing, no tears will attract this person - no letters, no calls - nothing. He will never be able to feel the way you do, and you only need to do this ... you have a poor idea of what is happening, you are always in a humiliated state. And you look at the doorbell. You don't listen, you look. Waiting. Such a thing. You wait all the time, this is the worst thing. Like a doctor - on standby. It's already love...
Under the burden of love, a person rushes about, takes him away from his husband, returns, takes him away again ... Then all three of them sit down, discuss and begin to make friends. Love passes when you already want happiness. When you hate, wish for death - this is love ... "
What can you add here? .. Both love and hate are sides of the same coin, which turns into different faces, depending on the circumstances, as well as the time spent by a man and a woman together. At every stage of close communication, various kinds of problems inevitably arise. The way they are resolved directly affects whether that notorious step will be taken - from love to hate.
Thus, if we talk about the ontogeny of the relationship of a couple (namely, as you may have guessed, we are talking about them in this article) - starting from acquaintance and ending with parting - we can trace a certain sequence of steps in its development.
We bring to your attention the approach of Kovacs (Czech family psychologist), describing the six stages of the relationship between a man and a woman. They teach how to overcome natural and inevitable conflicts in a couple and are written in a certain sequence for convenience, but in reality this sequence may be different.
1. Enthusiasm
The main theme of the stage: merging. A man and a woman care for each other, which creates the basis for those who bring mutual joy and pleasure sexual relations. A sense of living one life with a loved one, mutual support develops.
Position of partners: we are the same, I need you, I need you.
Main affective tone: passion with romance. A man loses his head, deeply in love. Lots of eye contact and touching.
Expectations from a partner: you try to make me happy, you strive to fulfill my desires.
The perception of a partner is characterized by the installation: you are mine, I am yours.
Problem: An experience that occurs when one of the partners seeks greater independence and spends more time on the side (at work, with friends).
Positive transformation after the stage: partners begin to realize that they are not completely identical with each other.
2. Expectation
The main theme of the stage: the search for compromises.
The tasks of partners: to leave (psychologically) their former, parental home, to feel the boundaries of their personality, to develop self-awareness, to maintain their own boundaries.
Position towards partner: you have become different, you hurt me, you do not meet my expectations (because the partner is changing, trying to maintain his boundaries). It needs to be spoken.
The main affective tone: disappointment, tension and at the same time conformism, the desire for agreement, the desire for intimacy remains.
Expectations from a partner: you must (-on) make me happy.
What helps here: closeness, a sense of belonging in a common cause (the possibility of joint actions in everyday life, etc.), family traditions soften everyday life, trust.
The perception of a partner is characterized by the installation: you are changing, what am I doing wrong?
Problems (around the end of the first year family life):
One of the partners may begin to feel rejected;
Everyone subjectively feels a different distance from each other (some often mentally increase it themselves - “if he (s) does not do something, then I am unloved (s), rejected (s)”).
Positive transformation after the stage: recognition that we are different (we are better off for this).
3. power struggle
The main theme of the stage: control.
The tasks of partners: to begin to master the art of problem solving, learn to make choices and negotiate with each other. Learn to solve problems eye to eye (sitting at the table opposite each other). They must learn to take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and actions, to find their 50% guilt, no matter how painful it is.
Position towards a partner: if you are not the same as me, then I will leave you.
The main affective tone: outbursts of irritation, anger, polarization only on negative or positive, distrust, attributing guilt to another and all dual feelings (love / hate).
Expectations from a partner: why are you making me unhappy? Both partners are afraid to give in something: "He wants to control me." "She doesn't notice that I have an opinion."
The perception of a partner is characterized by the attitude: you do not love me, you are an egoist, you are the same as your mother / father. Advice: never allow yourself these phrases, because nothing hurts them more painfully. You can compare not with the father / mother, but with the previous one himself (“you are the same as a year ago”). Never allow a mat in communication (this is only permissible in sex, if both partners wish).
Problem: partners fall into the same stereotypes of mutual accusations, stable for many years: “you always ....”, “you never ...”. Both are in excruciating pain and stress.
Positive transformation after the stage: recognition to oneself in an effort to control the other, plus strengthening of an independent position.
Partners try to understand each other, feel and accept emotional condition partner. "I know you're hurting, but..." Maybe someone is beginning to realize that their conflicts repeat the stereotypes of their parents.
4. "Damned" 7th year(the number of years does not matter much) - the most risky stage
The main theme of the stage: competition.
Tasks of partners: individual development. You need to learn to treat your partner as an independent person.
Position of partners: who am I? Can I manage alone/alone without him/her? I want to be myself.
Main affective tone: struggle and refusal to struggle. The pleasure of quarreling and withdrawing into oneself.
Expectations: I can take care of my happiness and myself. I need time and space for myself.
Perception is characterized by the attitude: I love myself.
Problem: The struggle for independence determines important changes, sometimes divorce. One or both move away through an affair on the side (may occur sometimes after a year, sometimes after 20 years of family life).
Positive transformation after the stage: recognition by partners of the fact that both must meet individual needs and have individual boundaries. Discussing your desires and needs becomes open. It is good if within the framework of the relationship you manage to maintain your identity.
Partners agree on how to resolve issues of their independence within their family.
5. Reconciliation
The main theme of the stage: cooperation.
The challenge for partners is to take responsibility for their own needs, to develop a clearer sense of themselves, to learn to take the desire for independence of the other for granted, which leads to greater intimacy in the relationship.
Position of partners: I gradually more and more comprehend my internal problems and contacts (position on myself).
Main affective tone: reconciliation.
Expectations: The partner treats himself and the other as independent individuals who do not have to match the expectation of the other partner.
Perception is characterized by the attitude: I cannot change you, you cannot change me (it would be nice if people understood this at the second stage, but apparently this is impossible without lived emotional experiences).
Problem: The couple is struggling to move towards more intimacy and sexuality. Sometimes they discover that their problems are related to conflicts that have not been worked through since childhood.
Positive transformation after the stage: the difference between partners is perceived more as an enrichment of the relationship than as a threat. Ups and downs in family life are becoming more and more predictable. Conflicts and differences of opinion create opportunities to learn something new about ourselves and each other. (Often second marriages are more successful because of the experience).
6. Adoption
The main theme of the stage: image stabilization.
The tasks of partners: to stabilize for themselves both the image of a partner and the image of oneself.
Position of partners: I see you as you are. Partners know themselves and enjoy being together.
The main affective tone: acceptance of the other, a lot of warmth in the relationship: "you are my soul mate."
Expectations: I take care of my needs and you take care of yours.
Perception is characterized by an attitude: we can be separate from each other, but we can also be together without losing our identity. A time of intense personal growth, as marriage no longer needs to invest energy. If problems or conflicts arise, they are resolved through negotiations and discussions.
Positive transformation after the stage: the rediscovery of understanding and the acceptance of mutual dependence on each other.
What is the nature of hatred? Why does a person who has just been the most beloved and desired for another suddenly suddenly begin to arouse burning hostility in him?
Apparently, the secret of such a phenomenon lies in the disappointment that inevitably lies in wait for every passionate lover. And it is the stronger, the higher the degree of the initial feeling. After all, the latter is characterized by the idealization of the chosen one, complete disregard for his shortcomings. A man in love sees his only (-th) through rose-colored glasses, which gradually, over time, lose their magical “coating”.
But what will happen later, how the relationship between two loving (but "sighted") people will develop, depends on the desire of each of them to preserve all that beauty that was between them. And already consciously switch to quality new level relations. Wisdom, self-improvement and, of course, a good psychologist can help in this pair.
Manukhina Natalya Mikhailovna - Candidate of Psychological Sciences, clinical and medical psychologist, family and individual consultant, trainer of author's training and development programs, member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists, Associate Professor of the Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis:
Everyone knows the saying "From love to hate - one step." And indeed, they are sometimes like two polarities, like two poles of "reversal" of relations. Those who hated each other fall in love after getting to know each other better. Those who were in love, living together, begin to hate. Why?
Let's look at the continuum of emotions in terms of the energy that is invested in them and expressed in relationships.
Both love and hate are the most vivid, equally strongly charged with emotional energy, forms of manifestation of the fact that a person is included in a relationship with the one to whom ANY of these feelings are directed. They confirm the fact of the existence of relationships, and with them the fact of acceptance and recognition of a partner. The need for recognition is one of the most important for every person. It would be nice, of course, to satisfy her through love, but hatred is better than ignoring when we are not noticed at all.
The threshold that precedes love is often passion, and hatred is preceded by rage. However, both passion and rage may not grow over time, but subside according to the power of experiences. Then a person plunges into a whole range of emotions, but only one of the polarities - positive or negative. It is as if a ban is imposed on the second half of the continuum. Sometimes for a long time. And this deprives the relationship of integrity, because. the individuals who organize them are deprived of the ENTIRE spectrum of experiences. Therefore, they strive to restore the shortage, to find what was not given, lost.
Oddly enough, but from hatred to love is one step, and from anger to joy - the abyss. The energy of feeling is no longer enough for it to change to the opposite. It is even more difficult to move from shame to pride, from resentment to gratitude, from guilt to gratitude. When the way to change these "low-energy" feelings lies through confusion, and sometimes indifference, then, being in a relationship, partners experience a state of loneliness. And this can lead to their breakup.
In an effort to maintain relationships, people increase the energy of their emotions, outwardly remaining committed to the experiences of a single feeling. However, being the receptacle of the entire emotional continuum, they simultaneously begin to experience a "storm of feelings." All feelings "wake up", require attention, becoming available to awareness. At this moment, their analysis, revision and selection is possible.
And here the paradox of relations, their duality, works. The choice of the leading feeling is influenced by both the reaction of the communication partner and the person himself. On the one hand, it is easier to express the feeling to which one clearly reacts, i. notices, pays attention partner. On the other hand, what feeling a person himself shares, it is precisely this feeling that he experiences more and more. Expresses hatred, is absorbed by it. (The more he hates, the deeper he sinks into hatred.) Expressing love, he himself is penetrated and enriched by love.
Thus, it turns out that feelings can be consciously controlled by us. We can choose ourselves and help the partner to do the following:
Experience the feeling we desire, sharing it and directing it to others,
Notice, reflect, respond exactly to those feelings of OTHER people that we want them to express and experience for US.
So, in what atmosphere we want to exist - hatred or love - the choice is ours, as the authors of our own feelings.
IF YOU ARE IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION AND WANT TO CHANGE IT, WE RECOMMEND YOU TO CONTACT OUR SPECIALISTS .
Usually people say: "From love to hate is one step." But why does a woman who recently considered a man the most beloved and desired suddenly begin to feel a burning dislike for him? The reason for this change in relationship is the disappointment that inevitably lies in wait for every passionately in love person.
After all, a woman in love idealizes her chosen one and does not notice any of his shortcomings. The stronger the love, the stronger the disappointment. A woman sees her lover through rose-colored glasses and considers him the only one that no longer exists in the world. Over time, rose-colored glasses lose their magical "coating" and the woman's attitude towards her beloved moves to another level. Whether love will develop into hatred or will further strengthen depends on the desire of each of the partners to maintain that wonderful feeling that was between them.
Love, unfortunately, is blind, so it is not surprising that many women fall in love with a "goat." In such cases, after some time, love turns into its shameful underside - hatred. Hatred is the same strong feeling as love, but only crippled by resentment. Many people think that hate is the opposite of love.
Indeed, if we take into account the rules of Russian grammar, then love and hate are antonyms. But in psychology, it is believed that love and hatred are human feelings, identical in strength and manifestation, while the opposite of love is indifference. Love and hate are considered two sides of the same coin, which turns into different faces depending on how it is tossed. At each stage of intimate relationships between a woman and a man, various problems inevitably arise. In the best case, over time, earthly feelings, such as longing, habit, fear of loneliness, economic interests and friendship, come to replace love, and in the worst case, hatred comes.
It depends on the nature of the partners and their way of resolving disputes whether there will be “one step from love to hate” or whether it will be a lifelong campaign. The reason for the change in the attitude of a man towards a woman in many cases is the reincarnation of his beloved girl after the wedding from Vasilisa the Beautiful into a frog or a grumpy pillar noblewoman. The wife is no longer satisfied with the new trough, she wants a better life than she has. On this basis, showdowns and harmless fights without rules begin.
Constant reproaches and scandals sooner or later lead to the fact that a decent husband is looking for attention and affection on the side. And his wife for treason begins to hate him fiercely. And then, instead of the expressions: “I can’t live without you, my love,” terrible phrases fly out of the woman’s mouth: “Where have you been wandering? How I hate you”, “Where are you doing the money? You won’t eat today!”. This is a sign that love is gone, and jealousy remains due to unwillingness to give someone "your property." It is in such cases that jealousy without love imperceptibly grows to hatred. Love becomes the cause of the birth of jealousy and its transformation into hatred.
Even though love and hate are similar, they are still different. Love is a positive feeling, warmth comes from it, and only bad things can be expected from hatred. This feeling is negative, cold from hatred. Love and hate are different, but treacherously close feelings. They go side by side, they can grow from one another, but they never intersect. It is impossible to love and hate at the same time, just as there cannot be a continuation and an end at the same moment.
According to psychologists, there are eight stages of the transition of love to hate that are common to all:
1. Acquaintance. A man and a woman meet and find much in common in each other. The main thing at this stage is eye-to-eye contact and touch.
2. Passion. A person falls in love and loses his head. Partners make vows to themselves: "You are mine, I am yours for life." It seems to them that they are completely identical with each other.
3. Addictive. This usually happens after the first years life together. A woman expects her partner to make her happy. The man begins to feel rejected. A distance is formed between the partners, they begin to understand that they are different.
4. Vague anxiety. The woman begins to doubt that he loves her. The man believes that they do not understand him and do not show proper attention.
5. Disappointment. The perception of partners is characterized by mutual accusations against each other, both experience excruciating pain and stress due to the words: “you are always like this”, “you never loved me”, “you only think about yourself” and the like.
6. Cooling. Partners get tired of proving to each other that they are actually better than he (she) thinks about him. Communication and mutual interest in each other at this stage is reduced to a minimum.
7. Irritation. Partners agree that they are completely unsuitable for each other. Every word or action of one partner irritates the other. At this stage, people do not disperse only if they have children together.
8. Gap. The gap is inevitable between partners who become strangers to each other. Sometimes they can live under the same roof and hate each other. But more often than not, partners get divorced. According to materials http://venus-med.ru/.
We all know this proverb well… So yesterday my mother repeated it when she heard on TV some criminal news about a murder motivated by jealousy.
And I thought: is it so? Is it really one step from love to hate? And I came to these conclusions.
Not a step, but a whole road
Remembering all my past relationships, which ended in the end with this very hatred, I realized that for me it was not a step, but a whole road. Small steps of insults, mutual insults, misunderstanding and indifference.
It's just that at one fine moment everything accumulated so much that it seemed as if one huge step from love to hate had been made. But in fact, unsuccessful relationships just ended up at the finish line of their route ... 
The road has been passed. And it all ended with the fact that I deleted my former loved ones from all accounts, phones, contacts and tried to forget their names forever, because the mere mention of them caused a burst of indignation in my soul.
This feeling went away for a long time and, to be honest, rather poisoned my life.
Is it from love?
But my last failed love story completely turned everything upside down. After her, I came to the conclusion that hatred does not come from love at all. Because love is only creation.
Once again I had to part with a loved one. They parted painfully and for a long time, with numerous "showdowns", not without resentment and quarrels.
When it became clear that everything was already over, I tried, as usual, to hate him. And ... I couldn't!
No matter how hard I tried, no matter what words I called him names, no matter how I tried to remember all the most offensive things, nothing came of it. No matter how many times my hand was raised to remove him from VKontakte friends - I could not ...
It was torture for me to live and know that he lives (probably happily) without me. But even more torture was not to know anything about him, to hate him, to erase him from life, as if he had never been there.
It was very strange. But that's when I realized that it must be real love. It doesn't turn into hatred. She just lives in the heart. She seems to be on her own. She makes you pray for the happiness of a man who will never be yours.
It is transformed and transferred to the whole world, prompting you to do good, good deeds. It changes you completely, turns you inside out.
And slowly disappears with time. So imperceptibly leaves ... When one day you suddenly realize that it doesn't matter how he is and where he is. But no hate. Just calmness.
And hatred is born not at all from love, but from one's own egoism.
What do you think?
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Just yesterday, the earth was burning under your feet with happiness. You love and are loved! What could be more beautiful? And if you can still dream of something, it’s only about never parting.
So why, today, when you look at the person whom you considered the best in the world, you want to howl? Where did this uncontrollable anger towards him come from? That's certainly one step from love to hate. But when did you manage to do it? And is it possible to set off on the return journey - from hatred to love?
In fact, there are a few more steps from love to hate. Someone goes through these steps very quickly, in just a few days, and someone takes 20 or more years of relationship. But this path is almost the same for everyone.
First step. Love
This is a period that is always remembered with pleasure and nostalgia. Oh, it was a glorious time - dates, courtship, first kisses. When, when looking at the beloved, the heart began to pound with a vengeance and all thoughts were occupied only by him.
At this time, we want to learn as much as possible about this person, - the psychologist explains, - to be together as much as possible. But at the same time, we look at our chosen one through rose-colored glasses. And we see it the way we want to see it. These rose-colored glasses are precisely the reason that sooner or later the ideal of a loved one begins to collapse.
Step two. Habit
Still, it is rightly said that a person easily gets used to good things. What yesterday seemed unrealizable happiness, today is taken for granted. And the fact that you are together is already taken for granted. And the beloved is less and less like a fairy-tale prince on a white horse. Now you know his preferences, tastes, habits. Everything in a relationship is smooth and predictable.
Gradually, we get used to a loved one, as we would get used to a room if we had been in it for a long time. Everything in this room seems familiar to us, and sooner or later we begin to think whether we should change the wallpaper, whether to buy new furniture.
Many people are very afraid of the habit in relationships, considering it the inglorious end of love. Nothing like this!
Habit is also love. Only one of the stages of love, One of its incarnations - more calm, measured. At this time, we look at a person without rose-colored glasses, through ordinary transparent glasses and see him as he is.
Step three. Expectation
And here it turns out that the way he really is, he does not particularly suit us. Because we expect great things from him. In the end, even realizing that the chosen one is not very similar to the prince, we expected that in the future this similarity would increase. And he will still learn how to earn big money, be able to achieve career heights, well, or just all the time he will be as ardent and caring as at the dawn of a relationship. With a sober look at your beloved, it becomes obvious that you are unlikely to ever be able to feel like the wife of a new Russian, serious success in the field of a career in the near future will not shine for him. And all the attention and care with which he diligently surrounded you at one time to the envy of his friends evaporated like raindrops on the pavement.
As a result, each of the partners begins to notice that he does not receive something important and desirable, or does not receive it at all.
Step four. Disappointment
And when the chosen one does not live up to the expectations placed on him, a period of disappointment sets in. Gradually, it begins to seem that he has changed for the worse.
Although in fact it has remained as it is, your perception has simply changed.
Scandals, quarrels, reproaches begin.
During this period, a person begins to look at his partner through black glasses, he stops noticing positive qualities in him and sees only shortcomings.
As a result, the partners continue to accumulate dissatisfaction with each other, which can lead to the last stage in the relationship.
Step five. Hatred
At this stage, irritation appears, and even the pluses that this person has, through the prism of black glasses, already become minuses. Even what used to be touching, begins to annoy. For example, the smile of a life partner used to seem bright and sweet, but now it seems malicious and insincere.
And this irritation just can develop into a form of hatred. The path from love to hate is over.
Is it possible to stop in the middle of the journey? You can stop at the stage of habit. For this it is important:
- expect as little as possible from a partner. Since any expectations sooner or later lead to disappointment. And the less you wait, the more you get, So first of all, you need to lower your expectations and claims. This is also an expectation;
- appreciate what is in a person. Be able to see the positives. And focus on these pluses, and not on the minuses that every person has;
- important to be able to find mutual language with the person with whom you are trying to connect fate.
Of course, it is good if people spoke the same language from the very beginning. Then you just have to try to get it back. But it happens that people from the very beginning spoke different languages, at first without even realizing it. Is it possible to find a common language in this case? And how do you even do it?
This can be learned. The first step is to stop arguing and start listening. When we want to find a common language with a person, we must take into account his beliefs, principles, etc. Try to disagree less often and agree with him more often. Of course, you can express your own point of view. But in any case, it is important to first listen to the other person, and then express your opinion with reason.
To avoid disappointment in a relationship, the psychologist advises, it is important at the very beginning of the journey, when choosing a partner, to understand what you want to get from a love relationship, get to know the other person well and determine if he is able to give you what you want.
Most of us choose a partner unconsciously, because we have little idea of what we want. What floated, then sailed to us. And when rose-colored glasses fall off, it turns out that next to us is not the person we need at all.
Return trip. From hate to love
The way back, the psychologist believes, is possible, but very difficult.
This is very hard work, and many people at this stage, as a rule, no longer want to invest their strength and energy in improving relationships.
After all, love is a fire. And in order for it to burn, it must be constantly fed - to throw logs into it. We don't do this often. We think that the fire will burn on its own, and let the relationship take its course. But then sooner or later this fire will go out. Maintaining this fire is not easy. It is important to constantly invest in relationships. And in order to kindle it again, it will take several times more strength.
In order to kindle an extinct fire, it is important to try to understand the other person, to begin to appreciate him. Show that you appreciate and understand him. This is difficult to do, because people who turn from love to hate, as a rule, do not know how to do just that. Otherwise, they would not be at this stage.
But then it is important to decide, If a person does not suit you at all and for the sake of him and maintaining relations with him you do not want to do anything, then why do you need this relationship - maybe you should part with him.
... There are five steps from love to hate ... And sometimes it turns out that it is easier to go through them than to stop halfway. But it’s better to slow down in time than to try to overcome the path in the opposite direction. After all, you see, love is always better than hate.