How to get along with teenagers. How to get along with a teenager: tips for parents How to get along with a teenager
From this publication you will reliably learn how to find a common language with a teenager.
It should be noted that adolescence of a person ranges from 13 to 17 years.
My psychologist friend believes that the most "troubled" teenager is a fourteen-year-old who considers himself independent.
Adolescence is the first love and the desire to prove to the whole world your ability to make adequate decisions.
Many parents are very afraid of losing their child, using not quite civilized methods in practice.
First of all, your main task is to find a common language with a teenager, guided by the advice of an experienced psychologist.
1). Never try to prove straightforwardly that your child has gone astray. Do not try to immediately condemn everything that does not fit in your mind.
The older generation and the current one are a completely different set of life values.
Therefore, you should be imbued with what exactly attracts your teenager.
2). If you feel that you have lost trust, then this means that the child is afraid not only of being misunderstood, but also of receiving a severe reprimand from harsh parents.
Try to prove to the teenager that you used to play tricks in the dark, also walking and drinking.
It is very important to become not just a parent for a teenager, but a colleague on many issues.
3). Not too intrusively, but delicately try to formulate some kind of teenage story, tracking the reaction that follows.
4). Finding a common language with your child, be prepared for dryness in the response interpretation.
This is not a sign of hostility, but an excessive emphasis on their imaginary independence.
5). The best solution would be a revelation about your own life, telling about which you seem to be pushing a teenager to a long-awaited disclosure.
It is this method that allows you to find a common language with a teenager, because it does not exalt you as a parent, but rather demonstrates, first of all, an understanding of what is happening in the life of a child.
For clarity, I will give you examples of correct expressions from a frank conversation between a son and his father.
Son, I also once ran after girls ... How I wanted to be cool and independent. I got in touch with the company, smoked, succumbed, generally led an immoral lifestyle ... And that girl married a quiet girl ... And I was left in the cold ... - narrates the father. (This design allows you to provoke the child to be frank).
- Dad, what about that girl ..? Well, I mean, did she leave you?” the son asked a curious question. (When asking a clarifying question to the father, the child wants to receive an answer to his own).
-Yes, not that she quit ... Just everything normal women they want to meet face-to-face, choosing for themselves not a bully, but a serious, purposeful and sober man. And then I was not like that ... - Dad answered a little bashfully. (This is another provocation of a teenager to choose the right path and “frankness for frankness”).
I think that you have already understood the main idea.
With your wisdom and self-abasement, you need to win the very trust that I spoke about.
Only as a result of a competent approach, you will be able to find a common language with a teenager, and not push him away with reproaches and punishment.
The material was prepared by me - Edwin Vostryakovsky.
Helpful Hints
Transitional age is a difficult period, both for teenagers themselves and for their parents, teachers, and coaches. Youthful maximalism, the spirit of rebellion and contradictions, as well as the desire to show their individuality are common phenomena for teenagers.
Traditional foundations and unshakable authorities are subject to doubt and criticism from teenagers who consider the representatives of the older generation to be old-fashioned and sometimes stupid. Such psychological instability can lead self-confident boys and girls to rather sad consequences: drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, suicide.
Therefore, during this period it is extremely important that next to the teenager there are wise, attentive and patient adults who will not "pressure" with their authority, control every step or bother overprotection and care, but calmly, step by step, hand in hand will go through this difficult path together.
Here are eight simple secrets that will help you find common ground with teenagers during a difficult transition.
1. Don't show your weakness
Teenagers like to "play on the nerves" of adults, questioning their authority and testing "strength". Thus, they protest against the world of adults, proving that they have the right to their own opinion and vision of the world around them.
What to do in this case, we adults? The main thing is to remain calm and not succumb to provocations. Shouting, raising the tone, restrictions and punishments in similar situation will only aggravate the situation and strengthen the adolescent's opinion that he is not only right, but also has power over the emotions of adults.
Take a deep breath, count to ten, exhale and in a calm tone ask the child to justify his opinion, but be prepared for the fact that you will have to give counterarguments in response. If at the time of the conversation you cannot do this, take a time out, and do not forget to tell the child about it (there is nothing reprehensible that you may not know something).
If the child is not ready to start a dialogue here and now, postpone the conversation until tomorrow, which will give you and him an opportunity to calm down.
2. Don't insist on heartfelt conversations
We all need to be alone with ourselves from time to time. And teenagers are no exception. Therefore, you should not impose your communication on them, and even more so, arrange an interrogation with passion if you notice changes in the child's behavior.
In this situation, it is better to indicate that you are ready to listen to the child, but on the condition that he does not mind. Be a listener, because sometimes kids just want to talk without getting advice.
If you want to comment on the situation or give advice, ask your child if he is ready to listen to you. If the answer is no, do not insist, but say that everything is in order, while mentioning that he can always turn to you for help if necessary.
3. Set boundaries for your teen
The desire to gain independence and independence in adolescence is often achieved by violating the laws existing in society and in the family. To avoid this, it is necessary to establish boundaries that must be clearly articulated, fair and approved by both parties.
Such an approach based on the observance of certain rules will contribute to the development of a constructive relationship between the adolescent and adults, in which each will clearly understand the goals and scope of their responsibilities.
At the same time, it is better to introduce the rules sequentially so as not to cause a new wave of protest in a teenager in connection with a change in his lifestyle. If you wish, you can make a list of rules in writing.
Do not forget about the reward system for completing tasks. But here it is important that encouragement does not turn relations between adults and children into commercial and market relations. Therefore, it is recommended not to use money as a motivator. It can be travel or the acquisition of what the child dreams of.
Remember that not only a teenager must respect the outlined boundaries, but you must adhere to the established rules and keep your promises in order to win the respect of the child and become an example for him.
4. Show respect for the child
A teenager is a mature personality whose opinions and wishes should be respected. He perceives direct instructions and moralizing as imposing his opinion on adults, which in the end can make you "enemy No. 1". Let your child solve his own problems, especially if he does not ask you for help and advice. Thus, you will show not only respect, but also trust in him.
At the same time, any person, regardless of age, needs support, attention and participation (it is important not to confuse participation with sympathy). Therefore, in difficult situation if the child trusts you, he will definitely ask for help. And here it is important not just to give advice, but to consider several options for the development of events, allowing him to make an independent choice.
5. Involve your teenager in solving adult problems
One of the common mistakes adults make is that we think children are incapable of solving adult problems. We often justify such behavior by the fact that we want to protect children from unnecessary experiences. And this is undoubtedly correct.
But it's not every day that we face serious life situations which children are better off not knowing about. Often we ignore the opinion of children even in elementary matters. Our inability to listen sooner or later causes children to distance themselves from adults.
To prevent this from happening, involve teenagers in solving problems that they can handle. Give them the opportunity to express their opinion, praise them for competent decisions that can and should be implemented, thereby motivating independence.
But do not criticize for irrational decisions: it is better to explain why in this situation it is better to act differently. Remember that constant criticism kills any initiative and desire to act.
Our expert - psychologist, candidate of medical sciences Irina Petrova.
Is this prickly and stubborn, always snarling, intractable and irritable to the point of explosiveness, the guy is the very clear-eyed smiling baby who until recently joyfully ran towards you when you came to pick him up from the extension? Is it really that just recently, in a trusting whisper, he told you his childhood secrets and did not fall asleep until you kiss him and hug him? .. Yes, it's him!
Familiar strangers
The age of transition can only be compared with a natural disaster. Such a storm occurs at this time in the body. A completely different person looks at the teenager from the mirror: the wrong face, body, smell. Growing up is not easy. Not all children in adolescence look attractive: many develop acne, skin and hair become too oily, the skeleton grows unevenly. Girls at this time sometimes gain excess weight. Then these "ugly ducklings", of course, will level out and become beautiful swans, but for now - a disaster! And it would be okay if it was only in physiology. The biggest problem that hormones carry is psychological instability. A child in adolescence is faced with the collapse of the familiar world. Unshakable authorities are collapsing - not only teachers, but also parents seem stupid and old-fashioned. Their advice looks meaningless, attention and care - intrusive, demands - groundless.
Knock - they will open for you
What should moms and dads do? Reprimand, scold, teach life? Or try with all your might to break through the blank wall of alienation and hostility? Or maybe leave the teenager alone and not notice his “tricks” until he “goes crazy”?
Of course, one should not scold - parental "arrivals" at first will upset the child, and later he will simply pass them on deaf ears. And yes, you shouldn't give up. After all, despite the terrible behavior, a teenager in this difficult time simply needs parental support. Another thing is that it must be very delicate. You should not unceremoniously invade the personal space of an adult child (and in his room, by the way, too). And you don’t need to impose your communication and help on him, to climb with questions and advice when they don’t ask. Also try to reduce control, to reasonable limits, of course. Explain to the child that you are very worried when you do not know where he is and with whom, so let him let you know where he is and when he will return. But calling him every 15 minutes is not.
Teenagers often reject their parents, subvert their authority. And that's okay. Only in this way does the formation of personality take place. But this does not mean that they do not need loved ones. Vice versa. In this difficult period, they, almost like babies, need complete acceptance and unconditional parental love. Therefore, in no case should one not notice the child, not be interested in what is important to him, devalue his interests. The worst thing is to criticize and compare your (bad) child with the neighbor's (good) boy.
Honesty Above All
Be sincere and kind. If you do not share the child's hobbies (punk music, for example), you do not need to scold what is dear to your child. Better just ask him to tell you what exactly attracted him to this subculture. And then invite him to listen to what you like.
Another mistake of a teenager's parents is to try to impersonate "their own". That is, all of a sudden, for no reason at all, start using youth slang in your speech, put on teenage clothes, or go to a rock concert with your child and his company (when this music annoys you). After all, it won’t be possible to pretend for a long time - and the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” will definitely figure out what will end in the disappointment of the child in the parent.
But it is still necessary to become a little more “advanced”, otherwise it will really be difficult for the child to find a common language with the “old people”. Therefore, it is important to be able to use a tablet and start pages on social networks where the child is sitting. virtual communication more familiar to modern children - it will be easier to find contact.
Equally
The main conflict between fathers and children lies in the fact that children demand respect for themselves, confirmation of their correctness and “adulthood”, while the “fathers” are sure that they have not yet grown up to such an attitude. But respect does not depend on age. Therefore, end with an authoritarian style of communication. Do not demand obedience, but explain why it is necessary to behave in this way and not otherwise. And as often as possible, show your child that his opinion is important to you. Consult with him on everyday issues, discuss philosophical and everyday things, talk about relationships between people. But, showing respect for the opinion of the child and giving him the right to make independent decisions, demand from him and adult responsibility. For your words and deeds. Adult life is like that, let it get used to it.
Little kids are little troubles
Of course, democracy is great. But playing with it is dangerous. After all, parents are not only best friends your child, but also adults who should educate him and bear responsibility for him. There are situations where you need to be tough. If a child goes beyond: for example, he comes home drunk or does not sleep at home at all, is rude, does something else reprehensible, in no case should you put up with this, but you must firmly stop it in the bud.
By the way
It is impossible to do without reproaches and edifications. But when expressing your dissatisfaction, try to avoid mocking intonations, accusatory and offensive constructions. Instead of directive phrases: “So that you no longer dare to skip!” or “Just try to be rude to me again, insolent!” say: “I’m afraid that with such academic performance you won’t be able to enter the university you dream of” and “How upset you are with your rudeness!”
First Reader
Writer Albina Nuri
The main thing in a relationship with a teenage child is to respect him. Balance is important: you need to be constantly present in the lives of children so that they know that you are always there, but at the same time avoid total control. I have three "don'ts": do not ban without explanation;
do not violate personal space; do not dismiss the problems and judgments of sons.
The content of the article:
Communication with teenagers is a problem that almost all parents face. The hormonal "transformation" of the child changes not only his physiology, but also the psyche. As a result, a good kind boy or girl can change dramatically in the opposite direction. Therefore, it is very important to know how to behave with a teenager in order not to consolidate these changes forever.
Features of the "difficult" age
The period of puberty usually includes the age from 11 to 16 years, although its boundaries are individual: for one child it can begin at 12 years old and last a year, while for another it can drag on from 11 to 15 years. In many ways, it depends on how ready the body is for a sharp maturation.
Since not only the child's body is changing, but also the psyche, including in relation to the perception of the surrounding world, these changes are so large-scale that it is very difficult for a teenager to cope with them alone. Therefore, an important role in the life of a teenager at this time is played by parents. Their correct behavior can often significantly shorten the "transition" period and help your child go through it without complications.
To find a common language with a teenager and help him to endure a difficult age more easily, you need to be patient, wise and remember a few features of puberty:
- Need for support. Despite the fact that children often fence themselves off from parental care and demonstrate complete independence, they do not lose the need for a reliable rear. They still need your affection, care and attention. But already in a different form, not "childish".
- Transitional age is the norm. Teenage years- a necessary and inevitable stage of growing up. And all the accompanying changes in the psyche and behavior of the child in most cases are not considered a pathology.
- The need for privacy. In order not to provoke emotional storms in your son or daughter, give them time to be alone occasionally. First of all, in your room. During this period, the definition of "one's own territory" for a teenager acquires special significance - his rules apply here.
- Aggression towards others. Often such behavior of a teenager in relation to relatives is a reflection of the same aggression, only towards himself on a subconscious level. At the same time, keep in mind that the main share of behavior is formed by the parents themselves - their emotions and attitude towards their child. The main activators of children's aggression are the feeling of guilt caused by the remarks and reproaches of relatives, as well as the feeling of being unnecessary and insignificant.
- The pursuit of freedom. One of the most striking manifestations of the transitional period is freedom of expression. Moreover, it can relate to everything: behavior, decision-making, clothing style, manner of communication, worldview, hobbies, etc. And here you need to find a golden mean, so as not to indulge in behavior that goes beyond the limits, but also not to infringe on the child in his self-affirmation.
It is equally important to remember that you also went through such an age-related “withdrawal” at one time. And then your parents seemed old-fashioned, boring and not understanding. Therefore, be patient and considerate towards your "rebel".
Basic rules for communicating with teenagers
The main rule of conduct for any parent who is looking for a way to find a common language with a teenager is to remain calm and restrained in any situation, despite all the tricks that a rebellious child with a “borderline” psyche can throw out (psychologists put teenagers in this category). To reinforce your calmness and endurance with the right actions, remember the basic secrets of communicating with a teenager.
Rule #1: Build Adult Relationships
Accept the fact that your child is growing up and becoming a person, albeit not quite mature yet. And this requires a change in communication guidelines - try to do without lengthy moralizing and lectures, do not demand unquestioning obedience, do not solve his problems for him.
Let your son or daughter be adults not only in actions, but also in responsibility for their consequences. Do not panic if the child makes the wrong or “not your” decision - let him understand how right it is. Of course, if this decision does not concern vital or fateful moments.
Try to convey to him that being an adult is not only a manner of behavior and the removal of many restrictions. It is also responsibility for everything: for your words, deeds and your loved ones. Consult with him and know how to listen without interrupting.
Rule number 2: no comparison with others
Put on the list of prohibitions the habit of comparing your child with someone not in his direction. Firstly, during puberty, his self-esteem also undergoes changes, and you should not lower its bar even more with your own hands.
Secondly, your teenager will never be the same as you or your other relatives at his age. Especially like other kids. He is an individual, and therefore a priori cannot be like anyone else. The tactics of comparing with more obedient (successful, decent, kind, attentive, etc.) children will only perpetuate the desire to rebel in a teenager.
Rule number 3: calm, only calm
Learn to control your emotions. Shouting, tantrums and reproaches in raised tones are a powerful irritant for the teenage psyche. Such "loud" communication can end either in return cries, or in complete disregard. That is, there can be no talk of mutual understanding and trust in this case.
One of the options for finding a common language with troubled teenager and not break into a cry - to restrain the impulse before a tirade. For example, before expressing your opinion about his act, take a few deep breaths or mentally count to 10. During this time, emotions will subside a bit, and it will be possible to adequately talk about what happened.
Try to formulate your statements with an emphasis on the feelings that his actions cause - they can hurt you, alert you, disturb you. Watch your body language: a calm attitude to the situation cannot be accompanied by sparkling eyes, arms crossed or resting on your sides. Also, when communicating, try not to rise above the child, it is better to take a seat on the side at a short distance.
Rule number 4: be interested in his affairs
The manifestation of sincere interest in the hobbies of a teenager is another key to understanding. Try to accept his favorite activities, even if you don't like them or consider them a waste of time.
Perhaps your change in attitude towards his favorite computer games, roller skating, music or graffiti will initially cause doubt. Therefore sincerity is your weapon.
Rejoice in his successes, ask about the nuances, be interested in new products, encourage achievements. Over time, your "rebel" will take your interest and will already share his impressions and be proud of your support.
Rule number 5: communication in progress
A teenager who yearns for freedom is difficult to attract to family evenings with frank conversations. On the contrary, he seeks to communicate outside the family - with peers and in social networks. However, it is impossible to leave him without communication with his relatives. So you need to be a little tricky.
For example, one way to get along with a teenage girl is to talk about her interests while cooking or cleaning. Of course, this should be unobtrusive and "in passing". You can “talk” to a teenage guy in the process of fishing or car repair.
A trip to the car is very conducive to conversations. In such an environment, there is no need to look the interlocutor in the eye, and the joint work brings together, which greatly facilitates the contact between the child and the parent.
Alternatively, it is possible to support the manner of virtual communication so beloved by teenagers - messages on mobile or social networks are perceived by them more easily and actively.
Rule #6: Be a role model
The need to be an example for your child with his growing up becomes more and more relevant. Therefore, it is foolish to demand from a teenager not to smoke and not to swear with obscene words if you yourself sin with this. He grows up and, if he does not copy your behavior, then at least he believes that he can do everything that you can.
The same applies to the manner of communication: if the child lies, does not express proper respect and hides his actions from you, analyze if he is copying the behavior in your family.
What to do if you can't find a common language with a teenager
Conflict situations with a teenager also need to be differentiated: your reaction to protest behavior and outright rudeness should be different. In the first case, you can limit yourself to demonstrating how much such behavior upsets you or try to talk.
If you see a clear intent in the actions of a child, they are systematic and go far beyond the bounds of decency (drunkenness, outright swagger, rude attitude, etc.), here you need to take drastic measures and “turn on” your authority. Resentment and swallowing insults in this case will only aggravate the situation and increase in a teenager a sense of victory over you.
We suggest using several principles on how to find a common language with a teenage boy or girl in especially difficult cases (alcohol, cigarettes, absenteeism, leaving home, etc.):
- Talk to your child only after preparation. Take time out to prepare for the conversation and calm your emotions. Moreover, if the topic of conversation is his coming home drunk - all the same, before he sobers up, there will be no sense in your communication. If you plan to connect to educational process spouse, agree in advance on joint tactics of behavior. Choose a time to talk when there are no other relatives in the house, urgent work and no need to rush anywhere.
- Build a conversation. Remember that the conversation should be conducted smoothly, calmly and clearly on the incident. Try not to drive the teenager into a corner, drawing him a bleak future and focusing on his actions. Explain how this behavior has affected you and how you feel, and how much you care about the “rebel” himself. Only then listen carefully to the offender.
- Get ready to accept the truth. If you want to find a common language with a teenager and build a trusting relationship with him, learn to perceive even the most unpleasant answers calmly and balanced. Otherwise, having received a hysterical reaction to his confession, the child will no longer tell you the truth. Why answer honestly if everything ends in scandal.
- Avoid pressure. If the child does not want to explain the reason for his behavior or does not admit to an unseemly act, leave the questions for a while. At the same time, be sure to explain to him that you are worried about him and are ready to listen when he is ready for this. If that doesn't work and the teen still doesn't want to talk to you, get another adult who the child is comfortable with and can open up to. This does not apply to drug addiction or serious mental disorders - here you can not do without medical help.