Why are there constant quarrels in the family? Do you constantly quarrel? Is it worth continuing the relationship? There are quarrels
Home is the place we all need to live. . It is associated with warmth and comfort. If everything is in order in the house, it means that the owners have harmony and happiness, prosperity and prosperity.
It is not good when there is no energy at all in the house, but it is even worse if the prevailing energy is negative. As she will carry to your home various troubles and even the complete disappearance of finances.
Read also:10 signs that show how strong your relationship is
If there are endless conflicts, disputes, quarrels and swearing in the house, and households and animals began to get sick often, if light bulbs burn out with constant regularity and other household appliances fail, and various household problems fall on your head one after another - then it's time to take care of your home and conduct a thorough energy cleansing.
Knowing certain rules that our ancestors observed, you can achieve great efficiency in harmonizing your home.
Signs that will help you understand that your house needs urgent "cleaning".
1. There are constant quarrels, conflicts and disputes in the house.
2. Flowers began to wither, dry, and even die altogether.
3. If household appliances fail, whose service life has not yet expired.
4. The windows, windows and doors constantly slam by themselves.
5. Strange sounds and various noises began to be heard.
6. Very often things get lost and disappear.
7. Bulbs burn out at regular intervals throughout the house.
8. Family members and animals living in the house began to get sick very often.
9. Water flows or drips from taps, water pipes leak.
10. Suddenly, various insects began to be observed in your house: ants, cockroaches and others.
11. Residents of the house seem to lose strength, they have a partial or complete lack of energy, unwillingness to do anything, drowsiness and fatigue.
12. Quite strange smells appear, although their source is missing.
13. Someone was dying in this house.
14. Households see bad dreams, they have problems with sleep, sleep does not bring them rest and recuperation at all.
15. If the house was visited by people who do not inspire confidence.
Negative energy can completely destroy a family and therefore very dangerous. Be careful, properly clean your home and always adhere to certain rules, to keep the house energetically clean.
Read also: How to quarrel in marriage?
We clean the house from the accumulation of bad energy
* First you need to light a candle and go around the whole house with it. clockwise, starting from the front door and ending with it. Pay attention to every corner. The fire is extraordinary cleansing power which is incomparable to anything! At the same time, read any protective prayer. You need to do this cleansing procedure at least once a month.
* Must be thrown out of your home permanently all the old, broken, chipped, unnecessary and obsolete things. Don't feel sorry for them! Here's what you shouldn't leave at home. These things will be a heavy burden to put pressure on you, taking away all your vitality. What you do not use during the year - necessarily begins to collect negative energy.
* Recycle closet: wardrobe items that you haven’t worn for a long time - in the trash, well, or give it to someone, let them serve another good cause. You just don't need them anymore.
* All broken equipment must be repaired or throw it away entirely. In this state, it should not be stored in the house. Cracked dishes should not be stored either, even if it is a gift from your beloved grandmother. Get rid of her immediately. All this rubbish completely stops the flow of positive energy, which is why there are constant illnesses and troubles in the house.
* Sometimes photos are the cause of many troubles. Usually some not very good memories are associated with them. These may be photos of relatives with whom you have a bad relationship. Or maybe it's just bad photos that you don't like at all. Or it could be photos of long-dead loved ones.
* Well clean the aura in the house of the plant. In nature, there are trees - vampires that are able to absorb any negative energy. These are lilac, bird cherry, aspen, poplar and linden. It is necessary to make a bar out of such a plant and put it where one of the family members who can constantly carry gloomy thoughts is most often located.
Having set such traps of negativity, try not to fall into them yourself, since this is only for the one who spoils the home aura.
* A wreath of birch branches hung over the door will reliably protect your home and scare away everything negative energies who are trying to get into it.
* Even more effective property has a consecrated willow.
* You can also stick a needle into the door jamb from the side of the apartment. The main thing is that it was you who stuck it, and not someone else!
* Mirrors! This is quite a significant item in every home. You can not hang someone else's mirror, given or donated by someone, because it is a powerful conductor of energy. In this case, someone else's energy will be broadcast into your home, and no one knows whether it is good or not.
Not without reason, in case of death in the house, all the mirrors are always tightly hung. This is no accident, and we must respect the signs that have come to us from the past. To remove energy dirt from mirrors, when cleaning, they need to be wiped in a circular motion. With a wet rag, make as many circles on the surface of the mirror as it is old. If it's hard for you to remember, then feel free to do it. 13 circles.
* Try not to let those people into the house, after the arrival of which your head starts to hurt or you become stuffy, or maybe even nightmares begin to dream. In general, those who cause you negative emotions.
Let your neighbor, a kind of nice little old woman who you don’t like at all, but sometimes tries to invade your territory, consider you “a little impolite”, but then this is your home, your personal fortress and you have every right to both want and defend it.
* Make it a rule to go around the house with holy water from time to time. Sprinkle the corners in the apartment crosswise, reading at this moment the appropriate protective prayers.
* If you began to notice that conflicts in the house arise very often and almost from scratch, then you need to additionally harmonize your space. In particular, this applies to the bedroom. To do this, try to place paired objects in this part of the house: two bedside tables and two vases on it, two paintings that also depict paired objects, for example, two swans, etc.
* Conflicts and disputes can well neutralize two identical dishes must be round. Arrange them in your home however you like.
* Bamboo sprouts, standing on the windows in all rooms of your house will help drive away negativity and overcome the envy of other people.
* At the end of the day, it is necessary to cleanse your body from time to time not only from ordinary dirt, but also from psychological and energetic ones too. For this purpose, ordinary table salt is ideal instead of the usual gel or soap. She a true conductor of energy, and can work wonders.
dissolved in water salt has the ability to wash away all negativity, accumulated even over many years. Apply it in a circular motion on a wet body, mentally turning to the water with a request to wash away all the bad things and completely cleanse yourself.
* For reliable protection at home you can be helped by various amulets that are made independently or purchased in specialized stores. Take care of your home, your loved ones and yourself. And may there always be joy and harmony in it.
Perform such cleansing once a month, on the 19th lunar day. And you will soon begin to discover amazing changes.
However, do not forget that happiness in the house is entirely up to you. No need to rely on circumstances and someone who will wave a magic wand and change everything.
In order for harmony to reign in your home, you must first of all love your home yourself and take care of it carefully. In this case, positive energy will become very powerful, able to cope with any external negativity. Live in goodness, peace and joy and everything will be fine with you.
16 chose
"Let's never fight again!",- the hero of the film says to his beloved girl, repeating the words of millions of lovers who have said it before him, and anticipating the words of billions who have yet to say it. However, both in life and in cinema, everything happens differently. A year passes, a month, a week, a day, in the worst case, an hour, and the darlings scold again. Why is this happening, and is it possible to avoid quarrels altogether?
It turns out that quarreling is not only harmful, but also useful. Indeed, during a quarrel, people express their dissatisfaction, express their accumulated claims, and release negative emotions. And if a person does not talk about his experiences, and keeps everything to himself, sooner or later it may explode. But everything is good in moderation. You should not bring quarrels to happen too often, turn into a regular ritual, like breakfast-lunch-dinner. How to maintain balance and avoid unnecessary quarrels, she told us psychologist Maria Pugacheva:
Quarrels are different. Some partners always sweetly bow at each other, others periodically swear for various reasons, and still others can generally bring each other to a nervous breakdown. Someone quarrels sincerely, because he is overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, while someone is simply trying to push through his interests.
Yes, you need to sort things out , you need to talk, you need to discuss, argue and prove something, but it would be better to do it all the same more or less constructively, and not with the help of swearing.
If quarrels happen from time to time - this is adequate, this is normal for developing relationships. th, because everything that moves forward and enriches itself must periodically stumble upon some kind of difficulties, overcome crises.
This does not mean that if people do not quarrel, there is something wrong in their relationship. . Perhaps, on the contrary, they do not have mutual claims, they do not notice each other's shortcomings, so they are satisfied with everything and happy together. It - perfect option, one can only dream of. But quarrels may not be for other reasons. For example, complete indifference to each other's life and prospects in a relationship, or fear - in those couples where one partner is overly authoritarian, and the other does not even dare to utter a word in front of him.
I would recommend treating quarrels more constructively: do not worry if they happened because of nonsense, analyze them from different angles if they carry serious content, and try to objectively evaluate, review your shortcomings and the shortcomings of your partner, trying to fix something for the better.
If you feel that there are more quarrels in your relationship than you would like, you should try to change this. The old principle works here - if you want to change the world, start with yourself. So you start with yourself: do something the way your partner wants, and look at the result. If the partner responds in the same positive way, and tries to change something for the better in himself in the same way, to meet you halfway is great, your relationship will enter a new promising phase! If you notice that your partner likes it, but does not do anything constructive in return, you can carefully and kindly hint to him: "Look, how good I have become, and you? Let's do it together!" Well, if over time you begin to understand that this is a one-sided game, your partner does not want to do anything on his part, then you should seriously think about such relationships: do they have a prospect.
But the problem is that all these right thoughts usually disappear at the moment of a quarrel - completely different thoughts and emotions come in their place, which are best expressed in offensive words and a growling tone. That is why it is most difficult to stop a quarrel when it has already begun. Maria Pugacheva explained how this can be done:
The best way to do this is with humor. : Say something funny to lighten the mood. For example: “Oh, I haven’t turned green yet with anger at you, look at me carefully, please?”, “Wait, wait, let’s take a break for a minute, it seems to me that you are so bloated with resentment that you are about to burst.”
Another variant - during a quarrel, you can say: “I say this because I love you, you are the best in the world”, “I want to get to the bottom of this, because I love you so much that I can’t imagine that you are here a little slightly imperfect." Fantasize as it will be convenient for you, interesting, remember some special iconic things - after all, every couple has them - words, expressions, cute nicknames, and try to use them too.
Do you often quarrel? Can you stop fights? How does it work?
Usually, after a conflict or scandal, many people feel depressed, realizing that in general these scenes could have been avoided. Each quarrel, one way or another, leaves its mark on the relationship, and it is in our power to make sure that, remembering communication with us, loved ones experience mostly positive emotions.
It is very important to feel when a person is on the verge or when you yourself can hardly restrain yourself so as not to throw out the accumulated negative on the interlocutor. If you nip the scandal in the bud, then it will be easier for you later to realize that you have avoided a serious quarrel. However, for sure, your opponent will be able to appreciate your wisdom and flexibility in overcoming dangerous topics.
What is a quarrel
If you turn to Dahl's dictionary, he will give you the quite expected wording that a noisy squabble and mutual hostility should be called a quarrel. We all know what lies behind these words, and the most vivid negative emotions that we experienced when we had a chance to engage in a skirmish with someone immediately pop up in our memories.
It is especially unpleasant if such memories are not associated with a saleswoman in a store or a grumpy neighbor, but with people close and dear to us. It is important to understand that often the reason for a quarrel is not specifically the topic that turned out to be a stumbling block for the quarreling, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Usually, people who have experienced some unpleasant emotions the day before or simply feel dissatisfied with something for a long time enter into conflict situations. That is, even if in the end it is possible to resolve the conflict, this is not a guarantee that dissatisfaction with each other will remain in the past. If you often start to have misunderstandings with someone, then look for a deeper reason for this phenomenon.
Common reasons for a fight
1. We don't hear each other
Each interlocutor tries to convey his own position, not even allowing the thought that it may be erroneous. Most often, we are so convinced that we are right that we do not try to listen to the arguments of the opponent - we are simply not interested and it does not matter what he will say, and the person, of course, immediately feels it. He puts even more effort into getting his point across, and things start to heat up. In this case, the one who is less flexible in conversation, considering himself right in almost everything, is to blame.
2. We do not want to give in to the dispute and accept someone else's truth.
If you want your relationships with loved ones to develop harmoniously, it is important to learn how to compromise. Some people are simply not capable of such a step, considering it a kind of humiliation or personal defeat. In fact, a person who knows how to make concessions, realizing that the issue is not so fundamental and is not worth inciting hostility, is distinguished by great wisdom.
Of course, this does not mean at all that you need to completely forget about your opinion and agree with your opponents in everything, but if the issue is really at the level of everyday life and not super important, then it would be quite reasonable not to spoil your nerves once again. Just calmly say: "You know my opinion, but let it be your way."
3. Resentment, betrayal, jealousy, betrayal
- Treason. Of course, such events, most often, invariably lead to conflict situations. As a rule, the one who cheated defends himself from the attacks of his other half, and at the same time it may seem that the traitor does not feel his guilt at all. To some extent, this is true! It so happened that treason rarely happens "from scratch." Usually it is preceded by quarrels between spouses, dissatisfaction with each other. If the couple had initially identified the cause of their differences and tried to eliminate it, then the matter would probably not have come to communication on the side. Cheating is a test for any family, and often the blame for this situation lies with the spouses equally.
- Betrayal. If this situation is not related to adultery, then, of course, it is difficult for a traitor to find an excuse. Most often, the relationship is then interrupted, even if initially attempts were made to forget such an offense. Sometimes even close relatives do not make exceptions, considering betrayal as a sufficient reason to permanently break off contact.
- Jealousy. This problem is not so difficult to eliminate if you find its origins. Perhaps jealousy appeared after one of the couple cheated on the other. In such a situation, forecasts, most often, are not too optimistic. Even if the traitor has made a firm decision to remain faithful to his half, endless nit-picking, suspicions and tantrums can once again push him to a similar step. Having changed, he was trying to solve some problem in the relationship, and, most likely, jealousy and control will also become a problem for him. Also, we must not forget that the party that survived the betrayal will eventually understand that it cannot forgive this act, which will also end in a break in relations.
- Grievances. If grievances are small and sometimes it seems that they are completely groundless, it is worth looking for a major problem that gave rise to these troubles. Most likely, having failed to agree on some important issue and “hushed it up”, the parties (or one side) remained dissatisfied with each other, and subconsciously this dissatisfaction passed to other areas.
Why sometimes both friends and girlfriends swear
Oddly enough, many people are usually more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends and girlfriends than they are of their other halves. Nevertheless, even old comrades are sometimes forced to face conflict situations. Often they are caused by the opposite sex. And yet, such a reason often appears in the company of very young people, or if the friendship began recently. True friends and girlfriends usually put friendship above fleeting acquaintances and intrigues, of course, if we are not talking about the love of a lifetime.
Often the cause of conflicts among friends and girlfriends can be a money issue. When one friend always invests more in some kind of feast, meetings and various events, this situation begins to upset and annoy him. Subsequently, one person begins to feel that he is being used, and the second believes that the offended person regretted something for him, which turns into a conflict.
Frequent fights with parents
Most often, young people quarrel with their parents because they are overprotective and try to somehow influence their decisions. There may be a downside - an adult son or daughter decides that their parents give them too little financial support and attention. In both cases, it is easy to understand the parents.
Moms and dads who want to be an integral part of their son's or daughter's life simply can't or won't move to another level of relationship. They are used to being mentors for their children, they liked this role, and they don’t imagine that somehow this can be changed, and they don’t see the point in it at all, because they have “much more life experience”! If you have such parents, you should be more tolerant of this, and not arrange a riot - such behavior is characteristic of unintelligent children, which means that you, unwittingly, have adopted rules that do not suit you. Communicate gently with your parents, do not dedicate them to details that they do not need to know at all. Sometimes take their advice as grown-ups take the advice of other grown-ups. If you fundamentally disagree with something, calmly ask them not to worry, ask them to trust you, noting that you yourself will solve this problem.
In the second case, when it seems to you that your parents could take more part in your life, most likely you are wrong. Do not be selfish, because, most likely, your mother or father devoted many years to your upbringing, and now they have a completely understandable desire - to live in their own pleasure. Perhaps their parents did the same. As a rule, in order to raise a child, people have to sacrifice a lot. Many children, having matured, try to help their parents, realizing that now they are much weaker than their adult children. Others expect that their parents will continue to devote their lives to them, "give away the best pieces." Be kind to your parents, give them a break and appreciate all the benefits of communicating with adult independent children.
Why Husband and Wife Quarrel
Spouses can have a lot of reasons to sort things out. It does not have to be some serious reason, like treason. Sometimes, a woman can be provoked into a scandal, and seemingly harmless reasons. Yes, as a rule, women are the initiators of quarrels, which, of course, does not paint them. When conflicts occur at the suggestion of a man, especially for domestic reasons, this is not a very good sign - often such husbands are subsequently called despots and tyrants.
Often spouses quarrel because of dissatisfaction in their sexual life. Husband and wife have different temperaments or one of the couple is dissatisfied with sex with the other, so the marital duty is performed less and less. If this problem appeared in your family, despite the fact that it was not there before, then you need to identify its true causes. A woman may simply not get an orgasm with a man, because he does not devote enough time to foreplay, and the act itself does not last long. A spouse who is not a sensitive lover may not even understand the reason for such behavior. The wife needs to have a serious talk with the chosen one, and explain what exactly does not suit her. If the husband does not want to listen, then most likely such a marriage is doomed.
A man, in turn, may be dissatisfied with the lack of initiative of his wife, considering intimate life with her fresh and uninteresting. Such conclusions can lead to the appearance of a mistress. Often, intimacy begins to occur less and less between spouses, when one of them is no longer satisfied with the appearance of a partner.
Many couples would live in perfect harmony, if not for the hated domestic issues. Unwillingness to make concessions to each other and a clear distribution of responsibilities between women and men often lead to big problems in the family. Especially disadvantaged are women who work on a par with their husbands, but are also forced to take on the lion's share of household chores. If this is your case, then explain to your husband that because. If you work, then the distribution of household chores should be equal - whoever managed, did it. A truly loving and caring husband will understand and support you.
Why do kids fight
Most of the quarrels of children are provoked by rivalry or childish envy. If we are talking about your children, then you should do everything possible not to single out one of the children. Many parents make a big mistake by dividing their children into "older" and "younger", while the demand from the first, as a rule, is always higher. Worst of all, feeling such injustice, the older child carries this feeling into adulthood, and his relationship with his parents usually becomes rather cool. Younger children, in turn, often grow up to be selfish, and parents begin to regret their loyalty in their upbringing, and only then see their main mistakes.
Try not to get into harmless children's fights, taking sides - let the guys learn to resolve their conflicts and put up with themselves. Try not to make your child jealous of a brother, sister or other children. He must understand that nothing is worse than others. If he wants a toy, “like Petit’s”, for which you don’t have money, offer him an interesting alternative.
How to avoid constant quarrels and stop being offended
If you often take offense at other people, then you must understand that you have a certain problem. Most likely, you have inflated expectations from people, and when they are not met, you feel resentment. Do you feel like someone is being unfair to you? Do not focus on this episode, but after this conversation, consult with a loved one whom you consider a model of wisdom and optimism. Tell him about your situation, and ask for an assessment from the outside. Adequate reaction to the story will help you to consider the situation from a different angle. Of course, you should not seek advice from a person who has a quarrelsome character or is often touchy himself.
Also, remember that it is not uncommon for people to offend us in response to our attacks, tactless remarks, or offensive insinuations. Sometimes, we ourselves do not notice how we provoke negative emotions in others, but we react sharply to other people's unpleasant words.
The whole truth is that everyone has their own
Learn to smooth out the thorny moments in a dispute
If you see that the situation is heating up, it is better not to continue to focus on it. In this case, the interlocutors should take a break and calm down a little. To do this, say: "Let's discuss this in a couple of minutes, but for now I wanted to talk to you about this...". Of course, choose a topic that will please both you and your opponent. Returning again to an unpleasant conversation, let your interlocutor express his point of view to the end. Listen carefully and ask clarifying questions. After that, calmly offer to listen to your opinion. Say: “I really want us to understand each other, and resolve this issue without quarrels, because we always understood each other!” Most likely, in the end, you will come to a common decision, and do not exclude in advance that, perhaps, it was you who were initially wrong in the dispute.
It is important to be able to accept the choice and opinion of another person.
Surely, you are convinced that you have the right to your own opinion and are free to make many decisions. Other people think the same way. If you are one hundred percent convinced that a person is wrong, you will not be able to convince him with a scandal or shouting. Speak with the interlocutor in a calm and friendly tone, asking him leading questions that will themselves lead the opponent to the failure of his point of view. If the person still has his own opinion, and you understand that this issue does not have a big impact on your current life (themes about celebrities, important historical events, methods of raising children, etc.), then tell him that you understand his point of view , but you suggest that everyone stay with their own opinion, returning to this conversation a little later.
Learn to express your thoughts and feelings without offending the interlocutor
Even if it seems to you that the person with whom you are talking is carrying some kind of nonsense, this is not at all a reason to get personal and try to offend the interlocutor. By this you prove that you are unable to convey your own opinion to him, having picked up unshakable arguments, and the only thing left for you is to move on to insults. AT similar situation you show yourself as a nervous and quick-tempered person who finds it difficult to intelligibly express his thoughts without sinking to “market showdowns”. Respect your interlocutor, and most likely you will achieve respect in return. Even if it doesn't, you'll know that you're doing the right thing.
When two people love each other and want to be together, it is not surprising that they experience conflicts that arise between them. Regular scandals, and even often over trifles, exhaust both and jeopardize future family happiness. Whether quarrels in relations between a man and a woman are the norm, how to turn them into a constructive dialogue and what is the right way to reconcile - psychology answers all these burning questions.
Are relationship fights normal?
First you need to stop believing in the myths that are firmly planted in the minds of many people.
Myth 1. There is no relationship without quarrels
There are many sayings on this subject, such as “Relationships without quarrels are like soup without salt.” This common myth is reassuring, as it inspires the idea that this is the norm, that your couple is not the only one, and whoever you start dating, clashes are inevitable.
In fact, about 18% of couples don't fight. On the one hand, this is a small number. On the other hand, it destroys the myth that it is impossible to build relationships without scandals. However, here it is worth taking a closer look at the reasons for such peaceful coexistence:
- 10% of couples do not quarrel because they have more than 10 years of living together;
- 3% do not see the point in this, because for some reason these relationships are beneficial to both of them, and they turn a blind eye to the rest (marriages of convenience);
- 5% are, rather, an exception: in these pairs, people of the same temperament with similar views on life came together, both are calm, wise and not conflicted.
One more moment. It is not always worth believing those who deliberately convince everyone of the absence of quarrels with their soulmate. Perhaps they simply do not want to make these problems public and try to maintain the status of respectable and peaceful relations.
Case from practice. The young man tried in vain to build relationships with girls. Every time frequent quarrels and irreconcilable conflicts became the reason for parting. He began to visit a psychologist and after some time said that he had found the only one who did not give him tantrums, was not jealous over trifles, did not put forward impossible demands. Happiness did not last long: after a year and a half, he found out that all this time she had been cheating on him, and she lived with him because of the apartment in which they lived together. And she didn’t make any claims for one single reason: she didn’t love him, and she didn’t care where he was, with whom and why he didn’t compliment her.
Myth 2. Quarrels strengthen relationships.
Yes, there are arguments in psychology to support this:
- after them, the soul becomes calmer, because grievances are expressed;
- they show that both partners are imperfect;
- this is an occasion to think about the adequacy and reality of their desires and claims;
- prevention of egocentrism: it is in quarrels that people understand that the second one also has the right to defend their interests;
- both know what the other half thinks about them and what the other half feels.
Despite all the arguments, quarrels do not always strengthen the union of two hearts. If they occur once a month and their cause is not in salted borscht, but in serious situations, they can be beneficial. The release of adrenaline, the presentation of one's point of view, listening to a partner, solving a problem - all this is necessary for building a good relationship. But, if violent scandals with screams for the whole house occur almost daily, and the reason for them is a sidelong glance to the side or a five-minute delay at work, they do not carry anything good in themselves.
Understand for yourself that a quarrel is a quarrel. If partners can restrain their emotions and are focused on maintaining relationships, they will carry a rational and useful grain. If scandals are accompanied by screams, hysteria, fights, this often becomes the reason for parting.
stumbling blocks
If your goal is to get rid of quarrels in a relationship, you need to sit down and discuss with your partner what most often causes them. According to psychologists, in each pair they are the same:
- jealousy, lack of attention, betrayal, flirting, lack of romance;
- different characters, temperaments, lifestyles, views, political beliefs, social statuses, interests;
- issues of raising children, relationships with parents;
- household, financial, housing problems;
- addictions: alcohol, drugs, gaming;
- dissatisfaction in bed.
Once the main stumbling blocks have been identified, try to figure out their size.
There are large ones on which the future fate of the couple depends. For example, whether to forgive a partner after betrayal. In this case, you need to sit down for a serious and constructive dialogue, during which three issues are calmly discussed:
- What does the partner want?
- What do you want?
- How to combine these desires?
If you can’t reach a consensus on your own, psychologists will help to resolve the conflict peacefully and stop quarrels.
There are smaller stones that exhaust no less than large ones. It's nothing like who doesn't turn off the light in the bathroom in the evening or why he said hello to some girl on the street. If such clashes occur frequently and result in major scandals, you need to sit down and write down the rights and obligations in the relationship. To the point of being ridiculous: before going to bed, I check if the lights are off everywhere, and you, in turn, do not look at other girls. Believe me, it seems absurd only from the outside. In fact, when everything is scheduled, there will be fewer conflicts.
8 common causes of family quarrels and detailed instructions, what to do. About it - .
Line of conduct during a quarrel
Everything is impossible to predict. Even if you have settled the main causes of quarrels, no one is immune from unforeseen circumstances. If the scandal still flared up, try to behave correctly:
- do not Cry;
- don't open your arms;
- do not insult your partner, do not remember the past;
- do not ignore his words, do not interrupt;
- do not throw things, do not beat the dishes;
- do not involve a third party in the conflict;
- do not blackmail with phrases like "I'm leaving", "I'm filing for divorce."
If the situation gets out of hand, you need to calmly but firmly say that you do not intend to take it any longer and resume the conversation only after the storm has calmed down. The second scenario is to approach a loved one, hug and ask for forgiveness.
It also happens that it is incredibly difficult to restrain oneself. Especially when an endless stream of insults and reproaches rush to your address. In order not to stoop to the same and not break when the nerves are already at the limit, it is better to break the plate.
A few more tips from psychologists on how to behave during a quarrel with a loved one:
- look into his eyes, do not lose eye contact;
- say "we" instead of "I" or "you";
- ask questions about what he/she feels, wants;
- listen to the end;
- try to catch the rhythm of his breathing and breathe in unison with him - so you can calm him down, subordinating to your more measured beat.
The wiser you behave during conflicts, the softer they will flow and the faster they will end. This will help maintain a healthy relationship and avoid separation.
Case from practice. She is a doctor. He is a man suffering from high blood pressure since childhood. Quarreled often. Since during the experience of strong negative emotions in the body there is a release of stress hormones, his pressure jumped, his head began to spin, he became ill. She, seeing him in such a state, tried to stop the scandals, but he did not let up. In the end, she found a way to cool him down at such moments, literally and figuratively: she soaked a towel in cold water and made compresses on his forehead and wrists. The fight ended within 5 minutes.
Reconciliation
If a scandal has already occurred, the question always arises of how to return the old relationship after a quarrel. The truce will depend on how much each partner needs it. If both want it, it will be quick and non-traumatic. If only one person makes contact, in the end he will get tired of it - parting is inevitable. If both are too proud to ask for forgiveness, a breakup will happen soon.
What can be done to renew a relationship after a quarrel:
- ask for forgiveness (if you are to blame);
- calmly discuss the painful problem, find a solution and never return to it;
- arrange a conciliatory dinner;
- to stun the partner with good news so that he forgets about the quarrel: “I am pregnant”, “Marry me”, “I bought a chinchilla”, “I love you” (if this is the first declaration of love);
- make a gift (from elementary but romantic daisies to the latest iPhone model);
- write a sms or a note, record a video.
In fact, there are a lot of ways to reconcile. When choosing, many factors come into play:
- The nature of the partner: someone will put up only after a chic bouquet, but for someone a compliment is enough.
- Relationship age: young people need romance with a rooftop dinner, while older people can make peace over a cup of tea with bagels.
- Degree of guilt: for a broken vase, you can simply ask for forgiveness, but for a rumpled bumper from her husband’s favorite “swallow”, this will clearly not be enough.
- The scope of the quarrel: if it was just an argument in raised voices, it can be easier and faster to make peace, and after a scandal that all the neighbors have heard, it takes some time to calm down.
If you want to renew a relationship, consider all these points. Remember that every couple is unique. What worked for Vika and Vasya may be completely useless in your case. Look for the best ways, but never delay the truce. A day is the maximum for a person to come to his senses, calm down and be ready to build bridges.
Prevention
In order not to bring things to scandals, psychologists give advice on how to avoid quarrels in relationships:
- communicate: talk to each other daily so that there are no unexplored spots on the map of your relationship;
- spend leisure time together: go out of town, go to the cinema, visit exhibitions, make a general circle of acquaintances - there will be no time or energy left for quarrels;
- study each other, ask questions about what someone likes and vice versa - you need to do this throughout your life;
- do not hesitate to show love to each other, make gifts more often and say compliments;
- be honest, even if the truth is unpleasant;
- when a serious problem is brewing, it is better to seek help from a third party (the best option is a psychologist).
Special cases
- Frequent fights in relationships
What to do if quarrels in a relationship are constant? Psychologists advise partners to break up for 2-3 days and comprehend whether you need this relationship or not. If you are bored, you are drawn to each other, then it makes sense to work on yourself for the sake of a joint future. If everyone calmly endures this pause and does not seek to renew the old connection, one should not deceive oneself: sooner or later, a break will occur.
- First quarrels
The first fight in a relationship is especially hard. Before her, everything seems romantic and fabulous: your couple is just perfect, and there are no reasons for scandals. But the tipping point could come at any moment. As a rule, some trifle becomes the reason. Most often, everything ends with a sweet reconciliation, but sometimes it gives the first crack. Partners begin to realize that their relationship is not perfect. Moreover, in a conflict situation, they see each other in a new quality. Not cute smiling fluffy bunnies, but offended, angry and crying.
The main thing is to draw the right conclusions: if a man, inflamed, hit his woman, such a relationship should not be continued. Or if a guy caught a girl cheating, even if they only met for a month, such a union has no future.
Quarrels at the beginning of a relationship take off rose-colored glasses and return to reality. However, this is necessary in order to start building a joint future. The candy-bouquet period cannot last forever, it is necessary to move on to the next, more serious stage. And sometimes it is conflicts that help to do this.
- Long distance relationship fights
Many consider this one of the most difficult situations. After a quarrel with a loved one, when he is hundreds or thousands of kilometers away from you, many ways of reconciliation are not available. Don’t give a bouquet, don’t go to a restaurant, don’t hug and kiss. In addition, the offended half can with enviable persistence not pick up the phone, not answer SMS, not go to Skype. All this is very stressful.
On the other hand, consider the pros. Firstly, most often a quarrel occurs over the phone, so the maximum that you can do is yell at each other, offend with words. But there will be no beating of utensils, assault and faces twisted with anger. Secondly, if the relationship is really important, you can always take a ticket on the weekend and rush to your loved one, make an unexpected surprise. From this method of reconciliation, anyone will melt.
The relationship between a man and a woman is like a boat moving along the river. Stones, rapids, bad weather will always interfere with her calm swimming. Salvation depends on the competent joint management of it. Therefore, learn to work with oars and do not let it roll over.
Let's note that quarrels in general are a completely natural process that occurs as a result of people communicating with each other. Quarrels between parents and children, between colleagues, neighbors, fellow travelers.
Quarrels are of great importance for development and formation interpersonal relationships. It is often in the course of such a verbal confrontation that controversial points are settled that did not allow the relationship to develop further.
A good quarrel is like shaking out a relationship rug with a broom.
Why do family fights happen?
People living under the same roof can find a lot of reasons for a quarrel: unwashed dishes, socks scattered around the house, correspondence with a colleague, low salary, lack of help around the house, etc.But there are far fewer reasons for quarrels in the family - those true reasons that push people to raise their voices, snap, pour insults and reproaches at the first convenient occasion, often far-fetched. And it is precisely the lack of resolution, the lack of clarification of these causes that poses a particular danger to family relations.
A quarrel naturally breaks the silence and in a family union of two people who are disappointed in each other, it acts like an opening of an abscess - it relieves pain, starts the healing process.
Janusz Wisniewski
Here is an example (quarrel over money):
The wife is annoyed by the laziness of her husband. He often and for a long time lies on the couch with a smartphone or laptop in his hands, while his wife does household chores. At the same time, since the wife's salary is less than that of her husband, she does not want to reproach him for idleness. But she gradually gets tired of doing everything alone, because she also gets tired at work.
Irritation accumulates, there are frequent quarrels in the family on occasions that, in fact, the wife cares little. For example, she arranges scandals for an untwisted tube of toothpaste, papers scattered on the sofa, lights left on at night, etc. The husband, who is unaware of the true cause of his wife's discontent, gradually comes to the conclusion that he married a psychopath and a hysteric. The family is cracking. Only a heart-to-heart conversation can save her, during which the wife will finally express her real claims to her husband.
The above example of behavior is most typical for women. Men, as a rule, are more straightforward, and therefore the reasons and reasons for quarrels in them most often either coincide or are very close. For example, when a husband rolls up scandals because of short skirts wife (the reason for the quarrel), he is most likely very jealous of her (the reason for the quarrel).
Why do spouses quarrel?
In addition to reasons and reasons, a family quarrel has goals:- The first goal is to prove your superiority in something.. This is a special case, but still it is quite common in families. The reasons for this behavior lie not in the behavior of the spouse, but in the person who starts a quarrel. A certain personality warehouse, a number of unresolved personal psychological problems push the instigator of a quarrel to provoke it.
- The second goal is to get the partner to change his point of view.(position, plans, style of behavior). As a rule, such quarrels are based on some materialistic factors. Buy a sofa or not, go to the park or visit your mother-in-law for the weekend, hang a chandelier in the living room or get by with wall sconces. Such quarrels are more constructive than those described above, if the spouses find a common language in them.
- Goal 3: Terminate Family Relationships. When one person is dissatisfied with something in marriage, dissatisfied with his partner, his appearance, character, behavior, he (with a certain temperament) will do everything to part with him. But if there are children in the family, or there are other factors that do not allow you to just disperse in different directions, quarrels will arise again and again until living together will not turn into a nightmare, the only way out of which will be divorce.
Quarrels after the birth of a child
The birth of a child for many couples means getting into a prolonged stressful situation. How successfully they resolve it will have a strong impact on the existence of their marriage as such.
Conventionally, all quarrels over a child in a family can be divided into two large groups.
1. Quarrels not directly related to the child
In this case, the root of all quarrels will lie in the changed way of life of the family. Both the husband and wife have new responsibilities, there is less free time, new expenses and worries have arisen, roles have been redistributed. The woman has now become a mother and housewife, the man has become a father and the main breadwinner in the family.Constantly accumulated fatigue, irritation, anxiety about the health of the newborn will also sooner or later make themselves felt. This means that quarrels are inevitable.
How to minimize them?
We can give one universal advice: be patient with each other. It’s not easy for both of you right now, but this difficult period after the birth of a child will soon pass and it will be replaced by the joy of realizing that you are the parents of a little Miracle, in which there is a part of both of you.2. Quarrels over a child
How often to bathe, how to put to sleep properly, walk or not walk, call your mother-in-law or mother-in-law, what toys to buy, what to wear ...In most families, such matters are decided by the mother. But sometimes dad, often with the active support of his grandmother-in-law, tries to interfere in everything, heating up the situation and bringing confusion into the already difficult life of the newly-made mother. If the grandmother-mother-in-law also intervenes in the conflict, then a full-scale conflict cannot be avoided.
How to resolve such a situation?
To begin with, if possible, send both grandmothers home and call an experienced nanny or pediatrician instead. If you wish, you can do it on your own - rely on your mind and instincts, and they will prompt the answers to most questions. The Internet is also full of forums and websites where you can get information. The main thing is to remember that the husband and wife in this situation are on the same side of the barricade.Let caring for a child unite you, not quarrel. Do not argue over trifles, make concessions more often, do not listen to the advice of others if you feel that your family is cracking because of them. Only you yourself are responsible for the future of your marriage, the well-being of which is now in dire need of another little man - your child.
How to resolve a quarrel in the family
To resolve a quarrel, you need to find out its underlying cause. The best way for this - a heart-to-heart conversation. If there are constant quarrels in the family and it has come to an open conflict, you cannot do without a third party that will help you look at the situation from the outside and offer options for its constructive resolution. It is best if this third party is family psychologist not parents or friends. This will provide professional approach and impartiality, which is difficult to expect from friends and relatives.
Discord in the family is like rainwater on a flat roof.
One downpour, another, seemingly imperceptibly, but the water keeps accumulating and accumulating; and one day the roof will fall on your head.
Salman Rushdie
If quarrels are single and do not cause significant damage to family relationships, then there may be several options for resolving them. See below.
1. Adjust to a partner
There are people who are quite conflicting in themselves, although not with malicious intent. Such is their nature. As psychologists say, the mechanisms of excitation prevail over the mechanisms of inhibition. Usually this . Screaming at a partner because of some trifle is quite in the spirit of such people. At the same time, they can sincerely love their soul mate. If this is just your case, then you will have to come to terms with the bad character of your spouse and stop paying attention to changes in his mood.2. Find out the true cause of quarrels
As we said in the first part of the article, you need to distinguish between the causes and causes of quarrels. If you feel that something is constantly annoying your partner, but you can’t figure out what it is, find it out, by all means. Sometimes you can try to go the roundabout way - to talk to friends or girlfriends of your soul mate, his or her parents, brothers or sisters. In a word, those people whom he trusts and talks about his difficulties. Usually they are aware of things and can open your eyes to the true causes of discontent.3. Fight back
People who are quarrelsome usually remain so in marriage. As the relationship cools down, they increasingly grumble, whine, scandal. The only chance to keep peace in such a family is to make it clear to your spouse that this number will not work with you. That you will not tolerate his (her) whining, nagging, endless remarks. Stand firm in your position. Faced with such behavior on your part, the whiner and the grumbler will leave you alone and go looking for another object of attack.4. Do not get involved in a quarrel
This option is good if the partner loves you and everything about you, by and large, suits him, but at the same time he cannot be out of quarrels. The true reason for this behavior will lie outside of family relationships. For example, nervous work, a heavy schedule, the presence of sick parents on the hands, an unsuitable climate, etc. That is, the reason and reasons for quarrels will also be different, but the reason will not be in you.If you can't influence it in any way, then The best way keep peace in the family - do not get involved in quarrels:
- Are you told that the soup is cold? Silently warm it up.
- Reproached with dirty windows? Wash them.
- Blamed for idleness? Get busy with something.
How to save a relationship after a fight
First of all, ask yourself the question, do you want to maintain such a relationship? If constant quarrels in the family have long become a habit, and you can only communicate with your spouse in a raised tone, something needs to be changed. Divorce can be one of the worst ways out of this situation.
How to improve relations in the family after a quarrel on your own?
There are three options for resolving this situation.- Recognition of one's wrong by one of the partners.
- Mutual renunciation of their claims (in fact, both partners admit that they were wrong).
- "Freezing" the problem. Together with your partner, you temporarily refuse to discuss the reason for the quarrel, continuing to communicate on other topics. Over time, the problem will either resolve itself, or one of you will change your point of view on it.