How good it is to live alone. I want to live alone forever. At the closed door
One of the markers of latent depression is involuntary suicidal thoughts. Outwardly, everything is fine, but life seems disgusting: “I can’t and don’t want to live. I'm rage!" People, weather, own child. Everything that used to bring pleasure, causes hatred. Where do these thoughts come from throughout life?
Every day is a struggle with gravity. The sticky jelly of everyday life stretches endlessly without taste, smell or color. Without meaning. And in my head an obsessive fly is spinning one thought: I don’t want to live. What's the use of moving your paws, if in this life you are a meaningless element of the background? And yes, no power...
Stop! It's not about wanting or not wanting. There is no such choice. Man - this is WANT. The human psyche is one hundred percent made up of desires, or rather, of voids that need to be filled. I do not want to live - a semantic error of intelligence.
Therefore, it is important to figure out what WANT we formulate through this DON'T WANT.
Without happiness life is unbearable
Many authors express the opinion that thoughts of suicide at least once in a lifetime occur to everyone. This is not true. At the training System-Vector Psychology» Yuri Burlan reveals in detail the features of the perception of life, depending on the characteristics of the mental structure of a person.
So, only a person with a sound vector, when he does not want to live, implies a direct meaning.
Of course, anyone can express the idea of unwillingness to live in a hopeless situation or in conditions that are completely unsatisfactory. But this will not be a thought about striving to end one's earthly path, but about changing one's life, about the lack of happiness.
For example:
I can't live without a specific person;
Tired of fighting with circumstances, no strength for life, apathy;
I no longer want to live in such conditions.
Even in the most difficult case, when such thoughts are associated with the death of a dear person and further life is not possible, as they say, time heals. Gradually, life is getting better, little joys appear. If the loss is experienced correctly, a bright memory of the departed person remains.
Such experiences are typical for over-emotional owners of the visual vector. In the range from “scared to death” to “and it’s not scary to die,” a statement about unwillingness to live is an indicator of emotional intensity.
This is a serious condition that inevitably leads to physical illness. If you do not understand its nature and do not track it in time, apathy and fears may develop. As a renunciation of life in the visual vector, a ban on feelings can arise.
I don't want to live and there's no one to tell
I'm ten. If I tell one of my classmates that I don’t like living, they will twist a finger at my temple. It’s scary for my family to stutter that I want to die. And so everyone considers it strange, they will send you to the doctor.
I am twenty. Why me?! Is he mocking me? Punishes or prepares for something? I studied everything that was available from philosophy, psychology, religion, esotericism. And I didn't find an answer. It hurts - but I also want to enjoy life! I want to love, do interesting things, build a house, plant a tree… Lord, who am I kidding?! Such nonsense...
I'm thirty. It has long taken place in this world and even consider myself successful. And still no one to admit that I do not want to live. I don't see the point. Occasionally I emerge to the surface, grab a sip of happy illusion and return to my colorless reality again: “Hello, depression friend, only you understand me.”
I'm forty. If you look at old photographs, obviously, life was filled with events, bright meetings and travels. But… as if she passed by. Or have I gone through life like a carnival procession? Alone at someone else's party. The holiday continues. But how did it all go wrong...
I am fifty. When will this finally end?
Where do these thoughts come from throughout life?
I don't want to live without meaning
Meaning of life. The idea of the universe. For the owner of the sound vector, these are the points of concentration of thought. More often unconsciously, he searches for Meaning in science, music or foreign languages. He expresses his lack with the question: "What's the point?" And he answers himself: "Nothing makes sense." A modern sound engineer often writes philosophical notes, trying to formulate an answer to his own unasked questions. His greatest desire is to understand: "Who am I?" His gift is to express new ideas, abstract meanings in a word.
But while his answer is “There is no point”, life seems to be an obsessive illusion. The sound engineer does not want to live in an illusory world that brings only suffering. He feels himself lost between the worlds - and none of them are waiting for him.
The perception of reality by the owner of the sound vector is radically different from the perception of reality by other people. Any other does not separate his Self from the physical body, but the sound engineer perceives the body as a temporary refuge for the eternal soul. His suicidal thoughts do not mean the destruction of his "I". He mistakenly assumes the possibility of finding the answer in the other world.
It must be understood that the vast majority of sound engineers who do not want to live are not aware of their desires and peculiarities of their worldview. They are in an eternal search for “no one knows what”, often sorting through all the “altered states of consciousness” available in this world. . The constant desire to sleep is replaced by exhausting insomnia, obsessive thoughts and monologues block the ability to think adequately. My head is pounding from the constant tension. Life itself seems to hurt.
I do not want to live: thoughts from which you can not hide
The candles flickered, threatening total darkness. Thoughts continued to rush about, invariably returning to one topic: “Kitchen ones are stupid. Will not work. It will be painful, long and stupid. No romance."
“What the hell is going through your head?! - The water had cooled down for a long time, but I didn’t want to get out of the bath. - If you don't move, it's not so cold. And the head does not crack much, while motionless ... "
The candles went out, leaving a characteristic aroma with a slight touch of spices. “Like in the church… And if there really is a hell? Or is hell here? Or maybe you will have to turn into some kind of muck again. Or I'll hang in last moment for eternity ... Eternal cold, pain and all this carousel with bells, in which you don’t want to live.
The distant slam of the neighbor's door on the landing exploded in the brain with a sharp flash of new pain, scattered thoughts, leaving only one desire - to quickly end the endless and senseless suffering. But even for this, you need to make an effort to get up, again go out into the light that burns your eyes ... And for some more time force yourself to live.
Thoughts do not leave, burning out the brain. How to get rid of them?
I love life, but she doesn't love me
One of the markers of latent depression is involuntary suicidal thoughts. Outwardly, everything is fine, but life seems disgusting: “I can’t and don’t want to live. I'm rage!" People, weather, own child. Everything that used to bring pleasure, causes hatred. It seems that if you change just a few factors, life will get better. This happens when sound depression is hidden behind the manifestations of other vectors.
Thousands of results prove that in any situation you can change "I don't want to live" to "I love you, life!".
“After a few sessions, I caught myself thinking or feeling, I don’t even know what to call it, but I noticed that for some time I just didn’t think about death ... I forgot about these thoughts. They just stopped coming to my mind... It was so strange... So unusual... THEY JUST STOP COMING TO MY HEAD!
Realizing this, of course I was happy) I don’t want to die anymore! I know why I live! I know that there is meaning in life, but there is no meaning in death!”
“In the process of learning, my consciousness began to clear up. The emotional state began to change. I came out of this state of vacuum, from a state of nothing, from not wanting anything. No more thoughts - I'm tired, I'm tired of everything, I don't want anything. I don't let myself get stuck in my thoughts. I introduce the principle: "Did the job - think boldly!".
There was some sobriety of thinking. The tension, the feeling of powerlessness and emptiness is gone. There is no more this causeless anger and irritation. I was terribly afraid of life, the future, and it seems that this fear is receding. It's like I came out of a deep coma. It became easier to climb.
My facial expression has changed. There was a mime. I became outwardly emotional. The mood improved, and the desire for life began to wake up ... "
The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»She lived alone for about five years in a row. It can be seen that a person is so arranged that he always lacks something, and while she lived on her own, she vaguely wanted to take care of and love someone. But I didn't realize how much I needed personal space. I agree with the girl a little higher about the fact that cleaning, music, etc. are easy to do even in cohabitation, and all these items are of a one-time nature. If Madame gets tired of her beloved roommate, her departure for the weekend to her parents is perceived by her as a crackling of a sail in the wind of freedom, she invites her girlfriends, walks naked, turns on Ivan Dorn and Despacito to the fullest, and by the evening she is already bored and crying into the phone "well, when are you Are you back already?" For me, walking naked around the house makes sense if the guy is looking at it. Most - little that is not interesting, it is also uncomfortable.
The most important thing that I missed the most from the period of loneliness was free time for my own needs. Everything is relative.))
Alone, I could go to the gym in the evening for two hours, and from there immediately to the pool - no question at all - and then come and immediately go to bed. When living together, you can no longer afford such a luxury. It would seem, why not - but No. Moreover, my lark rhythm of life with getting up at 6-7 in the morning without an alarm clock and falling asleep no later than 11 pm - was covered with a copper basin. But the biggest problem did not come to light immediately. I used to read and study a lot foreign languages especially if found good book, - it was difficult to put it off until it was over. I used to play something like solitaire on the computer and at the same time listen to a course of lectures on literary criticism, history, and psychology. I constantly read articles on my interests, discussed them with people on thematic forums. I watched a huge amount of arthouse, which you can’t watch together, and wrote criticism of it. Led two public. I constantly learned something new and took numerous courses. At the same time I sat with friends in networks. It is difficult to get me to visit somewhere, and I myself am reluctant to receive guests, but in the communication networks I had enough with my head. Needless to say, with the advent of a man for all these classes, 1-3 hours a day are left at best. Plus, I am an introvert, and I get very tired of people, that is, after work it is vital for me to be alone, to restore energy, but only a person like me can understand this. It seems that the man says - "take as much time as you need", but it turns out that all the time I am distracted by his rustling, walking, "where did you put the pancakes with meat?", "it would be nice to have a bite", "what do you read there?" , "come here for a minute", "let's go to the supermarket, the water is running out" and so on. I had to practically give up sports, as well as travel: before I could break away for the weekend anywhere, but now there was not enough time, and considering that “lifting” yourself somewhere is like two fingers on asphalt, a man is 10 times harder , even relatively easy-going. We still need to show him the charms of this place, then discuss it for a long time, and in the end, if we go somewhere, then usually not where I originally wanted. In a year I read 4 books, and then in fits and starts, but I learned how to cook 30 dishes from vegetables and 40 types of soup and gained 5 kg weight, because. earlier in my house there was no talk of condensed milk, cookies and sausage. Losing weight alone is elementary, with a man, given that I am cooking, the mission is impossible. But the sacrifice, I think, is still justified. Yes, and he had to make some sacrifices for me.
If you are a desperate bachelor, then we have good news for you, which you will learn about right now. What is the matter, you ask? Because you're a lucky son of a bitch, 'cause living together, which seems like such a holiday to you, is not as good as you think. Happy couples are mammoths of the relationship world who are afraid to even think that they made the wrong choice. Opinion polls, which are regularly conducted in the States, only confirm our idea. Of course, we don’t want to drive you into the idea that living well is. We just want to help you relax if you suddenly feel sad about your retreat. Let's help with a word, and you help yourself with a deed.
You are responsible for your happiness
People in a relationship often expect their partner to meet their shared needs. That is, they see themselves as a whole, and not as individuals. As a result, everyone gives up on their own desires, and this makes us unhappy. We think for two, not for ourselves. In addition, we relieve ourselves of responsibility for happiness, because there is a person nearby who is also responsible for it.
Loneliness radically changes the attitude towards happiness, because there is no woman for whom you can hide. You think more about your well-being, mental state, work, hobbies, small pleasures. That is, everything that pleases you in life, you choose yourself. No need to think for another person, no need to find "something in common." You just do what makes you happy.
You say: "How can you be happy without a girl?". And we will answer that being happy alone is real. But being happy in a bad relationship is something of a mission impossible category.
You will be more successful at work
There are many factors that influence how you work. If a girl is waiting for you at home, then the last part of the working day is unimportant - you try to do everything in time, score on details, treat work like a pig. And that's half the trouble. When you are constrained by relationships, then mobility is lost. You can't just pick up and quit your old job and drive off to New York somewhere to start your working life over again. If you think that your girlfriend will be happy with your career prospects, then you are simply mistaken. You will also have to rely on her desires, which will tell you: “No, we cannot move - I have a family here.” So your song is sung about how you got a great opportunity to get up, but did not do it, because the girl was too attached to the family.
It is also more profitable for an employer to hire bachelors. The fact is that bachelors are more often late at work, which is why they are promoted faster - you can rely on them even on weekends, because no one is waiting for them at home. Sounds sad, but not for career growth.
You have a strong sense of self-worth
Living alone is a test for the individual, which leads to complete autonomy, psychological and physical independence. Lonely people make strong-willed decisions more often, they are less afraid and more confident in themselves, because they know their worth, they know that they can survive in this monstrously complex world even without a sexual partner. They know how to control aggression, empathize with themselves and find harmony even in the most difficult times. It's hard to do both.
This is at odds with the notion that happiness can only be found in romantic relationships. But imagine a situation where you are not a whole, but a half. If you cut a chicken in half, then it cannot survive - it needs the other half. Loneliness is the opportunity to be this whole. Love is an opportunity to become only a part that is not viable without its other half. How many hung themselves and jumped off bridges because of love? We hope you understand our idea.
You are more likely to keep fit
One survey in the UK found that most married people lose money. They become thicker, slower, weaker. One could chalk it up to age, but survey data also suggests that unmarried or divorced people are much more active.
How does it happen? The obvious explanation is that a loner subconsciously gravitates toward better physical shape in order to attract a potential mate. A married man no longer needs to do this, so he sits on beer, cakes and sandwiches. There is another reason - singles have more time for the gym, extreme sports and walks. The only activity with a loved one is sex.
Feelings of loneliness can be avoided
There is no doubt that loneliness can be a dangerous source of stress. Everyone knows about it. However, for some reason, everyone forgets that in long-term romantic relationships, people also feel lonely. And this is the truth of life.
Here look. When you are a loner to the fullest, then you invest your time in chatting with girls, building relationships, flirting, whatever. You can never be alone if you make an effort. But what happens if you have a woman but are single? Then you will be locked in a cage that won't let you go. At best, you will find an opportunity to abstract from your problem. At worst, you start to change.
Are you still fast asleep
Let's face it. If you have the slightest sleep disorder, then it will be difficult for you to sleep in the same bed with another person. You will watch TV until late, play on your phone or listen to audiobooks. If you are already doing this, and you have a girlfriend, then know that it's all because of her. Sleepwalking, insomnia, nightmares - these are also the results of your desire not to be a bachelor. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule, and sooner or later everyone finds a way to fall asleep soundly, but the fact remains - one sleeps easier. You can fall apart on the whole bed, wrap yourself in the whole blanket, and no one will push you, push you at night or snore (yes, girls can do it too!).
No household problems
If you don’t have a girlfriend, then there are no domestic obligations, like: “Today you will wash the floor, and tomorrow I will!”. In addition, there will be no schedule for eating, sleeping, waking up, going to the store. Guys who have got their halves understand what we are talking about - you always have to adjust to your friend's schedule, and she to your schedule. This is not convenient for anyone. If all this is not there, then life is completely deprived of reasons for stress. You can eat when you want, clean when you want, and generally do everything when it suits you. When you are a loner, then you plan your life yourself - you don’t need to listen to anyone else.
But let's be fair. This is not the fault of the beautiful half of humanity. Just objectively, a person has less time for friends when he lives with a girl. People try to connect with their acquaintances, which is why the game called "dating in pairs" begins, which is not at all fun. You voluntarily throw all your single friends out of your life, and then feel sad about it. But when you are alone, you can easily communicate with any people you like. And yes, when you don’t have a permanent girlfriend, then you can have a lot of girlfriends with whom you can not only sleep, but also communicate sincerely. Married people are very constrained in terms of friendship.
You worry less about money
You are a man, and therefore keep the traditional trouble. So, you will be spending a lot of money on relationships - clothes, food, everything. When you live with a girl, even the most independent and strong, you will still pour money into her. Not because she demands it, but because it's in your blood - men give women gifts, pay for them in restaurants, provide for them. Otherwise we cannot. We are pleased with the feeling that the girl can rely on us financially. And it takes a hell of a lot of toll on our personal finances.
But girls are expensive not only because of gifts - these are all trifles. Problems begin when you start to manage the general financial expenses. Yes, money becomes common when you live with one person for a long time. And this means, first of all, that you cannot just go and spend all your savings on a Ferrari. A woman will immediately say: “What the hell is a Ferrari in Severodvinsk, you idiot?!”. And she'll be right, but that truth won't make you happy, but a red Ferrari will.
Toothpaste with or without whitening? Apartment with park view or without? Life with or without a man? It is easier for girls of the 21st century to make decisions on their own, as well as to find a way out of the most difficult situations. The phrase "You are alone, because young man it’s not easy to find, there are few of them, you don’t attract anyone, there are no worthy ones ”does not sound very convincing to them. Do you recognize yourself?
Psychologists and trainers of interpersonal relations have long explained: if a woman wants a relationship and is ready for them, a man will appear in her life, and very quickly. Many who dreamed of finding a couple took courses like “Five Steps to Meeting a Partner”, after which they found out that it was not at all difficult to start an affair, if there was a desire. But here's the problem with desire. It's time to ask yourself: do you really want to be with a man, or is your conscious choice - loneliness?
It is worth noting that the right to choose is given to a modern girl is not so easy. All around us swarm advisers and evaluators who want to confuse and suggest how to live. From the screens, on the air of programs like “Let's get married!” demands are pouring into something
did not create a couple: "A woman should be attached!" But who exactly should?
Recently, having completed an unsuccessful romance, my friend Lena, instead of a new groom, was looking for a new
an apartment in which she dreamed of forgetting about dirty socks in the corners and daily dinners of three meat courses. “I sincerely wanted to be alone, because the previous relationship burst due to everyday life. A man in the house requires a lot of effort, leaving no time for other interests, ”she complained. Lena wanted to devote time to massage, manicure, cinema and meetings with her friends. As luck would have it, the owner of the apartment she liked stated unceremoniously: “You know, single girls make me suspicious, I hope
you think about marriage. Lena indignantly rejected this "tempting" option. “It wasn’t enough to arrange a personal life in order to earn the trust of the landlord,” she snorted. But people who are used to thinking in stereotypes still find it difficult to understand how a girl can feel good without a man. It turns out that it can, and how! Books, movies, and even a quiet morning in the kitchen can be more interesting than an evening together. “The craving for life without a partner does not mean that a lonely person is an evil, unfortunate bastard,” says the artist Ksenia Larina, who has been living alone for 15 years and does not suffer at all. - It just says that you respect your own and other people's space. For example, do you want to walk around the apartment with an unwashed head in a stretched T-shirt without embarrassment; you can afford not to wash the dishes for weeks.” As for the aching feeling of loneliness, which many are so afraid of, according to Ksenia (and she is one hundred percent right in this), it does not correlate with the presence of people around: a person can feel longing in an apartment full of close relatives.
Psychologist Natalya Georgieva, President of Workline Group, agrees with Ksenia and confirms that among her clients there are many successful women who love to be alone: “We are endlessly imposed stereotypes and standards that make us ashamed of our freedom. To admit that you like loneliness is simply indecent! But strong, independent girls defend their right and do not allow anyone into their lives. And the point here is not in the desire for loneliness, but in the integrity, maturity and self-sufficiency of the individual.
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However, there are other reasons why girls refuse to share their lives with someone else. Unfortunately, they are far from the definition of "happiness and independence." For example, the belief that "no one likes me", "my parents do not approve of my boyfriends." The danger is that from the outside, these arguments also look reasonable, but in fact they are only the result of self-deception.
At the closed door
“Is it normal to feel a strong desire to live alone?” - with such a question, I turned to professionals studying interpersonal relationships. Leading women's training Devi Evseeva spoke about her experience: coming to her trainings on femininity, girls often say that they want to be soft and attractive, but not for the sake of men, but simply for themselves. Their words command respect. However, literally after a couple of sessions, the opinion of the clients changes: it turns out that in fact the participants are very
you need male attention, but they don't know how to get it. Why were these women not aware of their needs before?
When we can’t build relationships for a long time, we often convince ourselves that “we didn’t really want to.” The conviction is so sincere that we begin to believe in it sacredly and even come up with appropriate roles for ourselves, for example, an introvert, who, by definition, should strive for loneliness. But such an imaginary introvert is easy to figure out by his favorite phrase "I'd rather be alone, because ...", followed by several options: "Because all men cheat", "Because they are all stupid." All this, according to psychologists, is an excuse not to notice the real situation. And it consists in the fact that the girl has problems that need to be solved.
One of my acquaintances, a financier named Elena, a rare lucky in her career, stepped from a dull Moscow office straight into the Paris office of a large company. But in her personal life, she is not capable of change. When I wonder what exactly is wrong in the next
fan, why the relationship did not work out again, she answers the same thing: "He can't multiply three-digit numbers in his mind." To my question about who even knows how to multiply them, she just shrugs her shoulders, continuing to diagnose men quite aggressively: "dementia." Can she live with one of these? No way! Of course, it's better to be alone. This is where the cunning lies: the girl accuses men of not being worthy of her, thus covering up her aggression towards them. Of course, we all want perfect companions who will love, adore and live up to our every expectation. If not, they are ready to be left alone, just not to compromise. The trick is that the partner does not really want to take care of us and comply if we start getting acquainted with claims about the multiplication table or accusations of underdevelopment of the intellect. Answering the question “Why are wonderful girls lonely?”, Coach, psychologist and well-known blogger Stéphane Laborissere urges women to pay attention to this very moment: “You will not like what I have to say, but I will be extremely frank. Often women begin communication with men with claims, with a sour expression on their faces, after which they wonder why they cannot find right person. Sometimes they hide their negative attitude towards the world behind the masks of "diva", "know-it-all" or "stylish little thing". Men do not refuse sex with them, but they are in no hurry to build relationships. Exit? Get rid of the masks.
Who is guilty
The image of an iron lady who does not need anyone, or a victim who is not worthy of love, are masks that you should part with without regrets and just understand that you are an ordinary girl striving for happiness. The second advice given by experts is to find a place for a man in your life. “It doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert, everyone wants a relationship,” says Devi Evseeva. - But it happens that it is more difficult for closed girls to let a partner into their space. I once asked a client who really wanted to find a man if there was a place for her beloved in her house. She resolutely answered “No!”, because she has a small apartment and every thing should lie in its place. “How will you live when a man appears?” I asked. “I’ll move in with him,” was the answer. But if you don't have a place for him, why should he have a place for you?" Work on relationships should begin with changes in personal space, personal not only in the meaning of “home”, but also “soul”.
My friend Olga went down this path. At 28, she found herself alone with a child, but did not rush headlong to look for a new man, but took a break to figure it out. It turned out that Olga choked her ex-wife with care and attention, making him the center of the universe and losing her own personality against his background. The man simply could not stand such a sacrifice. Now Olga deliberately avoids men, because she tries to love herself, find hobbies, interests and favorite work. She is sure that she will want a relationship again when she is satisfied with her own life.
Someone will call it selfishness, but psychologist Natalya Georgieva strongly recommends not to confuse selfishness and self-sufficiency: “Love for yourself is not narcissism, but work on your shortcomings. This is how a whole personality is formed, capable of adequately assessing its light and dark sides. According to Natalia, having passed this way, a person becomes interesting to others. Paradox: people who truly love and appreciate their loneliness are very rarely lonely.
Lily - 47. She is very similar to her name - emphatically feminine and independent. However, this is now. The path to independence turned out to be very difficult for her and began with a complete misunderstanding on the part of all close people.
For a long time I could not understand: well, why is everything like that? After all, I did everything right. Just like you've been taught since childhood. For centuries, it would seem, a well-established scheme. So, as advised by a person with a degree in psychology - and he knows what he is talking about! Why does it work for everyone and not for me? It took a few years before I realized that I was just a little different from most women. Very little.
I never doubted that a woman needs a family. I grew up in an environment where they adhered to a traditional view of relationships, so from the very childhood I had no doubt that I would definitely get married, give birth and raise several children, and be a good wife and mother. This is how my parents lived, and in general everyone in our environment. And, I must say, they lived well. Children grew up in complete families, women felt protected and confident in the future, men raised toasts to their beautiful wives and reliable rear during any family feast. In a word, everyone was fine.
I got married in the same way as most of my peers - in the last year of the institute. Now it's funny to say, but, from the point of view of my parents, it's too late, already at 23 years old. Mom was seriously afraid that I would remain an old maid with a diploma. By that time, I had already experienced one painful love and from the height of this “experience” I believed that I knew absolutely everything about human relationships, and I was sure that I certainly did not need passions. Quite consciously I was looking for a reliable person for the family. My future husband seemed exactly like that, despite the fact that he was a few years younger. Mom supported me. She liked to repeat the words of one of our relatives: "The most unhappy families are those in which the wife loves her husband." Of course, I wanted love, but I wanted happiness more.
When I got married, I reassured myself that I would endure - fall in love, but I was lucky - I didn’t have to endure it especially. It quickly became clear that I chose the right husband - he really turned out to be responsible and caring. Such a person is easy to love. I won't lie that he carried me in his arms. But he loved and respected - no doubt. And, probably, if there was another person next to me, family life could end very quickly. And so - we tried to do everything together. When sons were born one after another, they turned to grandmothers only in extreme cases. After all, this is our family - we ourselves are responsible for it. Together at home, together for a walk, together on vacation. They broke up just leaving for work.
I tried hard to be perfect wife, that is, the same as taught in the parental home. After all, what happened with the girls then: they certainly brought up smart girls and always beauties so that they could successfully marry and get a good job in life. But now - the goal has been achieved and it turns out that you, of course, are obliged to be smart: read books, follow the news and novelties, and in all areas at once, but at the same time you must cook, clean, wash, it is also desirable to sew and knit to save the seed budget . This same budget also needs to be planned and it is desirable to learn how to save. A husband should be pleased with unfading beauty, it is extremely desirable to be a good lover, and at the same time remain a good professional - who needs a home-made chicken, even if it is beautiful. And most importantly - with all your talents, shut up in time and leave the last word married. Be silent, endure, ignore. You understand - female wisdom! And then a good family is guaranteed to you. And if she's not good enough, then it's up to you. Work on yourself, communicate less with girlfriends and less often do stupid things, such as your own hobbies. Try, otherwise you will be left alone!
Let me tell you right now, I didn't do very well. After the birth of children, I, being a very ambitious person, nevertheless realized that I would have to forget about my career for the time being. At best, postpone these plans indefinitely. You know, some of the reasoning about how easily and perfectly the family is combined with career ambitions makes me smile. These people either did not have a family, or did not really make a career. I didn’t either, but I still managed to become a well-paid professional. Then I noticed that I began to read several times less. Instead, she was constantly cleaning and cooking, washing, decorating. And now the hands themselves began to reach for simpler books. Or even to the pillow. The eldest son is three, the youngest is a year old - lack of sleep, of course wild.
And then, when the situation had already leveled off, I suddenly noticed that I was used to constant restrictions. Moreover, my interests in the family are far from the first. The rhythm of life is subject to the children's schedule. The menu - again, mostly what the boys love and the husband eats. Well, what kind of man will be full of vegetable soup or stewed eggplant? And he is a breadwinner - he needs it. Cooking two options - steal time from yourself. The choice of the program on TV was again given to my men: “You still won’t watch it, you’ll run away around the house!” And the truth is, I don't watch it. Even the clothes are not the ones I like, but the ones that are comfortable or the way my husband likes them. It turned out to be a paradoxical situation. Trying to be perfect, I accustomed my family to the fact that I am a secondary person here. At the same time, I couldn't really complain about anything. We didn't have any special emotional intimacy. My husband and I weren’t frank, we didn’t lisp, but we knew that we would always support each other. The husband is happy, he spends the evenings with his family. And if there are any intrigues, then firstly, I don’t know about it, and secondly, what family can do without it. It should be easier! Children are healthy, happy, parents are respected, everyone goes to three circles. So what else do you want?
When the children were old enough, my stay-at-home husband decided on a big man's trip to visit relatives in Astrakhan. The south, the sun, the Volga delta, fishing... Gathering my men on a trip, I kept trying to cry and gradually fell into despair. We spent 13 years together, parting literally for a few hours. And how now? After seeing off the family, for the first time in her life she took a sedative at night. And in the morning, out of habit, she got up, and suddenly realized that this could not be done. It is not necessary to wake up at 7 o'clock, it is possible at half past eight - as my personal schedule allows. There is no need to boil oatmeal and fry an omelet, you can limit yourself to a few cups of tea.
No, you can have oatmeal and scrambled eggs, if I want, of course. If I want... Shock! I got up and ... cooked this unfortunate oatmeal. Then she went back to sleep for an hour. In a word, in these two weeks, I had an unimaginable amount of free time before. Can't say I spent it wisely. Mostly sleeping and walking. And in the remaining hours she behaved at home, like Bobik visiting Barbos. The stove in the kitchen was covered with dust. There were a few tomatoes and a piece of cheese in the fridge. Some books were piled on a nearby pillow. It was not men's socks that had to be collected from room to room, but their own. But all my things were exactly where I left them. I ran to meet my family at the station. But the idea that loneliness is not the end of the world at all settled in my head.
The second call came when the eldest son was already serving in the army. I went to a friend in St. Petersburg. A pleasant female company gathered, and I was the only one who was deeply family. The rest were either divorced or raised children on their own. One of our friends' husband, as it turned out, adhered to some super-democratic views on marriage - a matter for the northern capital, maybe normal, but almost impossible for our small town. We were sitting on the balcony with a beautiful view of summer St. Petersburg, our friends were chatting about trips, new projects, planning some kind of meetings. And I was suddenly pierced by a feeling of my own unfreedom. It even seemed that for a few seconds the sounds ceased to exist.
I don't belong to myself. Before I do anything, I will think twice How will this affect my family, will it be convenient for them? Take a ticket and in two hours go, for example, to Moscow - it would seem, what could be easier? Not for me. And then I thought seriously. Of course, I heard about the guest marriage, but only now I thought seriously. I found out that, for example, 10% of British couples live this way. Europe, of course, is not a decree for us, but maybe this will suit me personally? Feeling the support of 10% of these unknown Britons, I began to think a little about reorganizing my life.
I didn't even think about divorce.. Almost 20 years family life, and a very good one - well, who in their right mind would sacrifice this for the sake of some ghostly freedom? But this, you know, feeling-a ghost of "home alone" visited more and more often. My husband didn't irritate me. We never really fought. But they could, for example, not talk for days without experiencing discomfort. Both worked hard, came tired, almost did not communicate. The eldest son came from the army, the youngest went to university - they needed independence more than family dinners and intimate conversations. This did not console, of course, but I understood that this was the right thing to do.
One day I plucked up the courage and suggested to my husband: “Let's live separately. Not for long, a month or two." "In terms of?" he asked. And after a few minutes I regretted that I started this conversation. Because it has become infinite. My husband immediately explained my desire with an affair on the side and tried to find out the details for a long time. Explanation "I don't have a lover, I just want to live alone!" he called it ridiculous and implausible. Men in general hardly imagine that a woman can go to someone else, but just like that. Unfortunately, my husband is no exception. I tried to explain that I did not want to leave, that we would see each other regularly, I would cook, wash and clean if he wanted it. I do not want to leave at all, they are my family, whom I love. I just need more personal time and space than they can give. family relationships. "Why? For your boyfriend?" he asked, and everything started all over again. I must say that my husband is a very intelligent person, and, it would seem, broad-minded. But the idea that a woman may need time not for someone, but for herself, did not fit even in his head.
It became an obsession to return to my apartment, where it is quiet and does not smell of anyone but me. On the way to shop for a pot of lettuce, a few oranges, and a bag of regular black tea—because that's what I like and nothing else—and not to be speculated about my lack of refinement. Wash off my make-up, put on yoga pants, not think about how attractive I look. Sitting in the evening with a book or watching two or three good films - it turned out that so much was filmed and written during my family life. Go to sleep alone, in your bed, where no one will drag off the blanket and go to smoke in the window in the middle of the night. Wake up when it's convenient for me and drink coffee for an hour, looking out the window. Gathering for a visit two hours, or even three, if it's convenient for me. To stay at work without feeling remorse, and without explaining anything to anyone. The first thing my husband thought about was that some novels didn’t appear in my thoughts at all. Too tired to adapt to someone.
Her friends were horrified: “Lilka, how are you without a husband? When you leave, what will be left for you? Romances with married people? I tried to explain that romance with anyone else was not in my plans. I just want to live alone. I am very interested with myself - with my thoughts, plans and even problems. I want to live by my own rules. And, in the end, “living alone” and “being lonely” are still different things. I have wonderful children, no less wonderful parents, a husband who, no matter how the situation develops, will remain the main man of my life, because he is the father of my children. I have friends, wonderful colleagues with whom it is interesting to work. Why women's life must necessarily rest on some kind of relationship with men, and not in their best version?
"Lily, you're crazy!" mom said. And I heard about the spent 20 years, the responsibility to the children, the duties to the husband. I had to remind that the children already live separately, and the eldest is with a girl. The youngest is studying and working. And the husband is actually an adult and capable person. Even a small boss, at work, commands others. And I don't leave anyone in sickness and poverty. I am ready to listen, feed, wash, cure at the first request, but at the same time I want to live alone. Mom, of course, did not quarrel with me, but this was the first fundamental issue in my life when our views diverged.
I decided not to tell the children about my desire until the last. I thought that I would suddenly endure it, get overwhelmed, put up with it - why worry them in vain. And if I have to, I'll tell you, of course. Yes, this is cowardice. But I was afraid that for them it would mean only one thing - the separation of their parents. And no matter how independent they are, the gap is still painful.
I felt guilty in front of everyone. After all family atmosphere depends on women. And since I want to live alone, and not like everyone else normal people, and I can’t convey to my husband that it’s worth at least trying, which means, “Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” The doctor, that is, the psychologist, explained to me about my emotional immaturity and tendency to promiscuity. It’s not that I don’t know this word, but at home I checked the dictionary just in case. My husband did not share my indignation with the diagnosis. “You understand, it's indecent if a woman lives separately from her husband. Okay, if a man wants to live alone - he's a man! I heard. And then something clicked in my head, and everything fell into place. That is, if he offered me to live separately, I would have to obediently pack my things and leave. Or pack a suitcase for him and wish him every happiness. And that would be good and right. But since I suggested it, I have to listen to endless accusations of the devil knows what and constantly justify myself. Such details suddenly become clear after more than 20 years of family life. She didn’t start to make a fuss, cry, and generally continue the conversation. I just opened the Internet and began to search for the “Rent an apartment” section.
It was a nightmare year. The husband used the last argument and threatened with a divorce. I agreed to this as well. She did not seek a divorce, but if there was no other way, then so be it. Self-esteem did not allow him to retreat, and we parted. We managed to turn our nice apartment in the center and the living space left over from my grandmother into separate apartments for all of us - me, my husband and children. True, they spent all their savings on this, but finally the youngest did not have to rent a house. When would we have come to this, if not for divorce? I will not describe what it cost to solve the housing problem - whoever went through this will understand. I had to drink sedatives interspersed with energy drinks. Finally, in my “odnushka”, located in a not very prestigious area, I fell on a mattress thrown on the floor and fell asleep happy man. The husband had never dealt with household issues, so there was nothing new in this. I'm talking about something else - there were somehow a lot of men around. The thought that I was still attractive at first, of course, warmed. But I quickly realized what it was. Lonely, well-preserved, with an apartment, with a salary, with adult children, and even shied away from marriage like hell from incense - this is a charm, what is it. Every modern man's dream. Especially those who are tired of their own marriages, but do not want to change anything. Sorry guys, but you - by.
The next year I lived completely alone. A lot, a lot of work, equipped housing. Of course, I talked with children, friends, went to my parents. Went overseas twice. I managed to maintain a good relationship with my father-in-law - he took our divorce quite calmly. My husband didn't talk to me for seven months. Then he called and offered to meet. I invited him to visit. He came and meticulously examined the apartment. He did not find traces of the presence of another man, and it seems that he calmed down only then. And two months later he introduced me to his girlfriend. And good! Well, what to do if we are different. I need solitude, and he needs a person nearby.
I didn’t specifically strive for a new relationship, somehow everything worked out by itself. We have known each other for a long time, but we never considered each other as a man and a woman. And then talking with friends, it turned out - interesting. They began to communicate. He had more experience of life in divorce than mine, so I did not see any obstacles. Two months ago we registered our relationship. They did without rings and Mendelssohn. I am very grateful to my sons who became our witnesses. After the ceremony, we went on a trip to the Czech Republic. And when they returned, they each went to their own homes.
My friends scare me again: “Look, he can get another one!” And while living under the same roof can not? Don't tell this to a man who has been married for 20 years. No one is guaranteed against change. We both work a lot, we always spend weekends together. Vacations are also planned together. We try to meet at least twice a week. We prepare for all meetings. We spend our free time in the usual mode for everyone.
I'm sure we wouldn't have gotten along otherwise. I teach and translate. This job is very disciplined. Besides, I'm obsessed with cleanliness. My first husband laughed that I was born with a rag in my hands. I think that the apartment is cleaned enough if you can safely walk on the floor in white socks. Husband - creative person. He calls his apartment a lair. There's an indispensable creative chaos, some ethnic motifs on the walls. Lots of paintings, huge speakers for perfect sound, endless tea ceremony figurines, including a Chinese robe. He likes to quote a famous book character: “I have every speck of dust in its place!” But since these dust particles lie with him, and not in our common house, this does not annoy me. I would probably go crazy trying to clean up his house.
Like him, if I started running there every day with a rag and a vacuum cleaner. In addition, he is a completely nocturnal person. Go to bed at 5-6 o'clock, get up in the afternoon. This, of course, can be experienced in one territory, but why? We have enough communication. Thanks to my husband, I began to learn to draw and became interested in design in general. He recently saw one of his books on psychology.
For some reason, psychologists and ordinary people unanimously say that a guest marriage is beneficial, first of all, to a man. I do not agree! It's just that women are more stereotyped. And public opinion allows them less. Recently, I met support from an unexpected quarter. When I went to escort my mother, who was visiting me, to a taxi, I suddenly heard from her: “Maybe you are right about something ...”