Difficult relationship with my mother: she is offended, I'm nervous. How to build a relationship with your mom? Very difficult relationship with mom

Hello dear community members. I need help and an outside perspective.

As I already indicated in the title of the topic, I have a difficult and painful relationship with my mother. All my life (I'm now 33) they have ranged from more or less tolerable to disgusting. And never good and trusting.

Perhaps there were good moments in my childhood, but I don’t remember them (except for summer trips to my grandmother in the village). Only continuous pressure, anger, demands, screams emerge in my memory.

From childhood and youth, I learned a lot of "useful" information and ideas about myself: that I am not capable of anything, that the little finger of any child of acquaintances-relatives-and-anyone is better than the whole of me, that I am an ungrateful brute, that I they feed and put on shoes and even treat me (as a child I was often sick) and for this I have to please everyone always and under any circumstances to be a good, kind and pleasant girl. And even if I was offended and treated badly, it's still my fault. Because it was necessary to foresee this, somehow smooth it out, and in general, why are you offended here, look what a princess. It will be very difficult for you in life with such a character!

At 16, I was not allowed to leave the house without permission. I never had pocket money and any personal space whatsoever - my mother could at any moment get into my diary or personal letter and not feel constrained in anything. As a result, I began to rebel and demand more freedom and personal space. Conflicts began.
At the same time, the mother began violently developing romance with a certain man who soon began to live with us. And after a couple of months it turned out that the mother was pregnant. I must say right away that I reacted with joy and relief to these events, because it seemed to me that now the pressure on me would ease up, my mother would switch to other worries and leave me alone. I treated my mother's husband (they soon got married) with trust and sympathy, he was smiling, behaved nicely, we went to maternity hospital together, everything was fine. But after the birth of my brother, on the same day, something happened to him. He stopped talking to me at all. It's like I've disappeared from his world.

In the same year, I entered the university at the Faculty of Economics. Came in and realized that this is not mine at all. I entered this faculty also under pressure. I was determined to be an accountant, get a good job, earn a lot and be no worse than others. On the way from university, I thought a lot about my predetermined future and realized that it was unbearable for me. I went back to the university and took the documents. When I got home, I told my mother everything. At that time, our relationship was on the scale of "tolerant", I thought, out of youthful naivety, that she would be able to accept my point of view on my future if I explained everything to her properly. It wasn't here. A storm broke out. I was ordered, since I am so smart and independent, to provide for myself. And don't you dare take food from their fridge and their toothpaste and their bread.

From that day my independent life began. I started looking for a job. In the end, I managed to get a job in one place, despite my age. I began to earn for myself, bought food, clothes, toothpaste. I tried to return home later, so as not to intersect with anyone. I tried not to leave my room until they went to bed. We didn't talk to my mother. But the stepfather suddenly felt like a master in the house. And he began to get me out of the apartment with the tacit consent of my mother. When I returned home, insults and obscenities rushed to my back. My shoes were thrown behind the closet, various small items disappeared from the pockets. He could spend hours walking under the door of my room and shouting insults into the void.

I gave up. In such an environment, I could not properly prepare for the new entrance exams to the university, I could not concentrate, my hands were constantly shaking and my eye was twitching. I felt at home like a hunted animal. Long story short, I left home. She moved to live with her boyfriend, whom she dated for a while. Actually, he himself took me out of the house, unable to see what was happening to me.

Here is my background, in order to make it clear where the legs grow from. Sorry if it got too long.
Since then, my relationship with my mother has not improved.
Otherwise, everything is fine in my life, I am married, I have no children. But these relationships put pressure on me and poison my life. I tried to talk to her, and swear, and go to family constellations, it does not help. One call from her can throw me off balance for half a day. I can’t cope with my feelings when I talk to her, I have to completely abstract, fall into suspended animation, so as not to react to these endless attempts to climb into my personal space, some reproaches, hints, moralizing, so as not to quarrel again.

Recently there was another crisis and we did not communicate for a couple of months. And I'm so unaccustomed to this that I just can't bring myself to call her, although our "relationship" has been restored. It's very difficult for me to pretend, and in this recent crisis, I found myself hating her. If it were possible, I would like to have no feelings for this woman at all, in fact we are strangers to each other.
But, I think about how the years go by, no one gets younger and, eventually, she will become old and possibly sick. And he will begin to demand, for example, that I take care of her. Or, if my husband and I have children, she will probably be happy to enlighten them on the topic of what a fool their mother is.
From all these thoughts I feel uneasy, I do not see a way out of the situation. Please help me see him.

Mom has always been the head of the family. For her the last word she makes decisions. Dad by himself, doesn’t interfere in anything and doesn’t delve into anything. We were brought up strictly. Mom always tried to force me into her "good girl" ideas. Since childhood, my sister and I have been different. I climbed trees and rooftops, jumped down stairs, rolled on railings, rolled in the snow, tore my clothes. And my sister was always neat and calm, she told my mother about my misdeeds, about my girlfriends - she told Mom EVERYTHING. And about myself too, of course. And I gradually lost confidence - first in my sister, and then in my mother. Mom didn't know how to keep my secrets either. She immediately told everything to her sister, dad, relatives. Even when I had my first period, my mother told all our relatives about it when we were visiting my grandmother. How ashamed I was then! And I learned to be secretive, learned to meet my mother's requirements. At school, I was an outcast. We did not live well, my mother sewed and altered a lot of clothes herself. I did not like to wear what my mother chose, and I was afraid to ask for the thing I liked. Peers had beautiful notebooks with pictures, backpacks, and I wore oilcloth notebooks and women's briefcases bought by my mother. Nail polish and cosmetics were an unattainable dream for me. Mom did not forbid them to use, but I never had money (only for a pie in the canteen) to buy myself. In addition, I was afraid that my mother would not approve of the purchase. I bought my first jeans at the age of 16. Later, if I bought something, I tried, if possible, not to show my mother. And now I don’t say it again so that my mother doesn’t say that it’s expensive, marco, inconvenient, or why spend money on it at all. In class, I felt like an ugly duckling, and in relations with the guys I was an insecure girl. At school, college, institute, I was an excellent student. At school, he was despised for this and considered an upstart. When I entered college, I was surprised to note that I was respected here. I learned to communicate, friends appeared, but still study was a priority in my life. I am still very demanding of myself. It is important for me to always look good, I carefully keep order in the apartment, at home there is always something to eat, at work I am a very responsible and conscientious, successful employee. Conflicts with my mother began at a young age. I tried to defend my opinion, my tastes, but my mother always condemned me, did not understand, said that I did not appreciate her care and formed a feeling of guilt in me. When I met my future husband - it was like a sip fresh air, I felt that I could escape from my mother’s oppression ... I’ll make a reservation right away that I didn’t run away in marriage, but got out of great love and have been loving this man for 10 years. I am happily married. Mom always put children at the forefront. She has always lived with us. Over time, the center of her life shifted towards her sister. I carefully guarded my world, my family from her invasion. The sister, on the other hand, lives in close union with her mother. She calls her every day. When my sister and I exchanged our parents' apartment - mom and dad moved to my grandmother's - my parents gave most of the money to my sister. My husband and I had some money, and with this money, my mother equalized our shares with my sister so that we could buy apartments of equal value. When my sister was on maternity leave with her second child, every day in the evening my mother drove from work through half the city, picked her up from the kindergarten and brought the eldest, although it took 15 minutes for her sister to go to the garden. Her eldest child, from the age of one and a half, spends all weekends and holidays with mom and dad. Now his mother takes him to the pool in the center, which is next to his sister's house. Mom comes specially so that her sister does not leave the house with the youngest. When my sister went to work after the second decree, my mother retired to sit with her. youngest child. And by that time I had been working for two years. And all this time I felt like a beggar when I asked the mother to sit with the child. Leave him for the weekend or ask for help if his son is sick - this is mine headache. We can leave the child only if the mother is not busy with the sister's children. The mother-in-law is happy to help, but she lives far away, in the countryside. I feel rejected, humiliated. We never talk about the current situation with my mother, we pretend that everything is OK, we talk about nothing. She is not interested in our life, work, friends. If earlier I tried to tell her something, then I was repelled by her disapproving attitude towards my actions and the people around me. She could call my girlfriend "pushing" if I said that she went to night club or goes on vacation with friends to nature, to cities. She despises my wonderful boss because a person, due to legal nuances, cannot yet formalize me, etc. Then she completely stopped hearing, listening to me if I told her something about work or friends. She could interrupt and talk about something else, or she really DIDN'T HEAR and at the same time discussed something else. Everything that I tell my mother, in five minutes my sister will know and vice versa. They are not jarring to immediately call me back and discuss, clarify my news. When I tried to protest against this as a child, my mother answered that we were one family and there was nothing to hide. What kind of openness can we talk about? Of course, my mother is offended that I do not tell her anything. But how to talk to someone who doesn't want and can't listen, can't help judging, can't store information? I am pissed off by my sister's user attitude towards my mother, I consider her a hypocrite and despise her. My sister does not know how to listen in a conversation, does not allow anyone to speak, constantly interrupts. She tells everyone about the smallest unnecessary details of her life, the life of her friends, her friends' friends, her friends' friends, and so on. In everyday life, she is also not a very pleasant person: she can blow her nose loudly in front of everyone, drink water from the spout of a common jug, yell at her child, etc. Joint gatherings with parents are a torment for my husband and me. But by the will of mother, we must come and sit out due date. If mom is offended or she doesn’t like something, then she will never talk about it. She will purse her lips, be silent, not call, talk dryly and with restraint. This person never shows his emotions clearly. If at least once my mother openly expressed her attitude to what is happening to me, I would fall upon her with a flurry of accumulated feelings, because my patience is at the limit. But this is not. My husband is very worried, seeing that I am nervous and how my mood deteriorates every time I have to meet or ask my mother for something. I try not to see her and not call her once more, only when necessary. I am only fulfilling my filial duty, paying tribute to my parents. But resentment against my mother corrodes me and undermines my strength. And my mother is offended by me in response. Tell me how to work out, get rid of all this negativity? How to make the relationship with the mother more positive, more complete?

Olga Korikova

Hello! I have a difficult relationship with my mother.
I am in a strong psychological dependence on my mother. In this regard, it is difficult for me to make decisions, to do something, I am alone.

Olga Korikova

Hello Ekaterina Krupetskaya! I entered this forum for the first time, because I really need help, advice from participants and psychologists, just people! I used to be interested, occasionally, in the advice of psychologists, read messages on various forums. Even 10-15 years ago, due to troubles in communication, relationships with people, I went to a psychologist, I needed advice. But more often I read different literature, including on psychology. I wanted to limit myself to reading today. But it's hard for me now. I need support. Although I try to decide everything myself (which is in my power and capabilities).

It seemed to me that, to some extent, I could look at situations from a psychological point of view.
But ... It's easier to give advice than to find yourself in a difficult situation.

I'll tell you about my problem. Since childhood I have lived in enough complex family. With mother, grandmother and brother.
Since the life of my mother and father was unbearably difficult, she returned to her mother and took us - me and my brother with her. My childhood was very difficult. Grandmother did not love, poisoned, morally pressed (I often stayed at home with my grandmother as a child, because my mother went to work). Grandmother kept me in the highest tension, fear and obedience (although I did not understand this). She constantly, almost every day (with or without me) complained to her mother about me, my "disgusting character, laziness, selfishness, bad heredity (she said that I looked like my father), etc." Although it was all a lie, everything that my grandmother said about me. I was a very open, kind, naive and vulnerable child.
It doesn't make me happy to remember this... Vise, prison, indifference - that's what my grandmother's outwardly benevolent attitude towards me was like. What can I say if she did not love me so much that she dreamed that I would go to live with my father and often said this out loud ...

Mom, unlike my grandmother, treated me in a completely different way ... Crazy Love, Adoration?
Very strong attachment? Even jealousy? A pity? It's hard to say what my mother felt and feels for me ... All this, all these feelings are there. And I appreciate it, no doubt. But together with Love, mom and terribly, just pressed hard and presses me! She lived and lives my life. She did not let me do anything since childhood, she made decisions for me. The slightest resistance on my part, my mother met not just coldly, but often made scandals for me and in these scandals she “slinged mud”, humiliated, and again and again blamed, reproached and listed all my vices and shortcomings! And a day later - again affection and "lisping", as with a little one ... And I was 20 and 25 years old ... Adoration and benevolence, and, quite possibly, after 2, 3 minutes cold and even anger ... then a scandal ... I lived with her "like on a powder keg", absolutely not understanding what my mother would do or say in the next second...

I am lonely, young, but I have no friends, no girlfriends ... There is no and never was, never a personal life ...

Olga Korikova, there are many feelings in your story, ambiguous, painful. I know it's hard to remember. Can you tell us a little about today's life? How old are you? Do you still live with your mom? Is grandma still alive? What is your relationship with your brother?

What is your education and profession? Do you work? Are you financially self-sufficient? Do you have friends? How do you prefer to relax? What are your hobbies?

Olga Korikova

I am 36 years old. By education I am a technician - technologist (secondary technical) and a personnel manager (higher).
But I don't like it.

By the will of my relatives (grandmother suggested) I entered at the age of 16 and studied at the assembly technical school (I hated it), by the will of my mother, against my will (again there was a scandal) at 26 I entered the Institute of Management, Economics and Business (I hated even more), even tried to transfer to another institute ... in vain ...

I was born and lived in a poor family. Yes, even with people who "pray" for their beliefs! A conversation on the topic "Poor means an honest person, etc." my grandmother led every day, literally driving this position into us - me and my mother. Mom was also lonely and completely dependent on her grandmother (just some kind of moral slavery). Grandmother lived not so much her own life as the life of her mother - she constantly taught, gave advice, crushed ... Mom behaves in the same way towards me. How excruciatingly hard...

Get a job with a special it didn’t work out (yes, I didn’t want it), and therefore I worked wherever I had to.
The difficult conditions of the places where I worked for 15 years took a lot, a lot of strength and health, I began to get sick a lot and often, I was often on sick leave ...

I lived with my mother and grandmother and brother (who never loved me), studied, worked. There were no friends or girlfriends. There were short-term relationships with people who quickly broke down and I was alone again.
There were and are very difficult, strained relations with my brother ... Or rather, we have no relationship. And, however, I also feel dependent on him - I feel his dissatisfaction with me (as if I always owe and owe him something)

I prayed to God to somehow live separately from my mother, because from the horror of life together, from the total, heavy control, requirements and supervision, I almost "got crazy" ... It so happened, there were circumstances that my mother temporarily moved to live in another city, and I live in another ... My God, she again demands that I sell the apartment here as soon as possible and move to live with her forever!
Constant demands from her, all the time talking about moving, etc.

Recently, I have been going to the Clinic for treatment (because I have had heart problems since childhood (mitral valve prolapse + head problems have been added (headache, vision has deteriorated, etc.) + the opportunity to just relax in another city, new impressions. .. Getting ready for the road is a big problem for me.I am alone, in poor health, get tired quickly, and talking on the phone with my mother is depressing, suppressing (talking about my unsettledness, about the need to move to her, about poverty, etc. ) My hands just "fall apart" and I don't feel like doing anything. I cry all the time... I try to hold on, but it's hard for me.

Grandmother passed away in 2008. I thought that nightmare, that anger, that hatred behind... But my mother, she poisons me no less and terrorizes me with her heavy guardianship...

I am not working now. I haven't worked since 2014. The last place of work was in a state organization (something like the police), I was not certified. But it was very hard for me. Harassment of colleagues, misunderstanding and + just a very difficult, tense atmosphere in the organization itself ... Finding a job in a provincial city is very difficult. If there are no connections, etc. All this depresses me. + loneliness...

Olga Korikova, it is felt that your condition is heavy inside, there is some kind of hopelessness in the story. If you have not worked for about two years, what do you live on?

Does your brother also depend on his mother or does he have his own life? Is he married, does he have children? Where does he live?

Is your mother still working or not? Does she have a personal life? Do you know anything about your father? Did you interact with him as an adult?

Olga Korikova

Catherine, I will try to answer.

As for hopelessness in life, you are right. Since childhood, due to difficult family relationships, I often did not want to live ... Also, due to the lack of vitality, soreness, weakness, complexes and inability to do something, it was also very difficult for me then and now, sometimes not wanted to live...

This state of mind has always been there. But this is, as it were, just a part of my inner state ... Because I love life very much, it is full of joy and optimism, the desire to act, discover new things, meet people, be loved, discover my creative potential, etc. So it was Always. This seems contradictory only at first glance.

I would also like to gain financial independence from my mother. In general, I would like to get out of poverty and a lonely state ...

About my father, our relationship with him is separate topic. Believe me, sometimes I can’t believe that I am the daughter of such a person ... Mom’s life with this person (she was married for 8 years) was unbearable! My father is a very simple, primitive, narrow-minded person. He never did anything physically around the house, everything was done by his mother, he just used her as property. Weak and indecisive, selfish and a consumer - he stole money from his mother, lost his mother's money in cards, demanded more and more ... He oppressed her in sex. plan - even showed violence. It was disgusting for her to be with him in this regard (and in all other plans of life, life, etc.), but she endured, obeyed and was afraid of him ... Last years marriages with him began to threaten her health and life, and also the lives of children ... He even made several attempts to get rid of us - mothers and his children - once he turned on all the gas camphor without lighting the fire, tightly closed all the windows and doors and .. ... went outside and waited for us to suffocate ... Scandals and threats, showdowns were constant, he even beat his mother (even when she was pregnant) and constantly demanded money, food and sex!
This is not a person - it is rather a disgusting animal or plant, some kind of slug, or a leech that sticks to someone and uses ... I'm ashamed to say, but I will say ... When I was a 2-4 year old baby, he (when mom was not at home or she didn’t see) took off his underpants, touched his place and let me, his daughter, play with “his toy,” as he said ...

My mother lived with my father for 8 years... At the age of 6, I went with my mother (she divorced) and my brother to live with my grandmother (my mother's mother)... I have already told a little about the hell my life with my grandmother was.. From the age of 6, thank God, I never saw my father again, but I suffered painfully from the lack of male paternal affection (but not this "father") ...

My brother has a family. Wife and son. They live separately from us... But from them one can feel (even at a distance) malice and demands and claims to us - to me and my mother... Everyone always owes these people...

Mom works and receives a pension. I live on this pension and + some savings (in the bank). I barely have enough to live on, I try to limit myself in everything ... And this is painful ...

Mom does not have and never had a personal life. And no friends. She has now "hit" into religion, imposes religious literature on me, asks me to go to church, again presses, teaches and hears only herself ...

It's just hard for me to figure it out without help... My Soul hurts from this strong addiction and mental suffering...

As I understand it, you are a thinking person; you strive to understand yourself, for example, with the help of books and articles on psychology. Based on what you understand and know about your situation, what advice would you give to yourself?

You emphasize that you consider the main problem to be your mother's persistent, if not obsessive, attention to you, her overprotectiveness. At the same time, you write that you have a number of serious illnesses, do not work and do not see opportunities to get a job - both because the small city does not provide opportunities for this and because of health problems. Live on your mom's pension. How, in your mother's place, would it be possible to leave you, as it seems to you, given that you are sick and unable to take care of yourself in a material sense? How would you see the resolution of this contradiction?

Did I hear correctly that the topic of relationships is very important for you in general? From what you wrote, one can hear that with all the people significant to you since childhood (mother, grandmother, brother, father) and with all the other people from the outer circle for you, you did not develop satisfying relationships. What do you yourself, taking into account your knowledge in the field of psychology, think on this issue?

Olga Korikova

Good morning, Catherine! Thank you for being with me.

I will try to explain, as far as possible, what are my aspirations, desires, what I expect and what I myself think about about this. And about what torments me so, torments, excites me ...

When I was 18 years old, I applied to a male psychologist in connection with serious troubles in a relationship with a young man. The fact is that he crushed and humiliated me morally, especially with classmates. I was afraid to go to a technical school, because almost every day he pestered me. We had sexual contact (he infected me with a sexual infection), and then his sexual harassment became constant and often in front of everyone ...
I turned to a psychologist ... He helped me to some extent. But rather in complacency, rather than solving the problem. I had to resort (on the advice of a friend) to the help of the police (I wrote a statement against him to the prosecutor's office, they handed the statement to the police) ... After the policeman had a conversation with him, this guy, the attacks on me stopped ...

What advice could I give myself? I already gave it to myself - I decided to turn to a psychologist through the forum, because I think and am convinced that you can’t run away from wise advice, from those thoughts, from that vision of the situation that an experienced and qualified psychologist has, because my problem lies precisely in the field or space of psychology ... Your advice and questions, Ekaterina, are very interesting to me, because you see everything from a different point of view. I spoke in my message about problems with my mother, and you suddenly asked me about my father, I was even somehow surprised and confused, because I myself didn’t think about it at all ...

This is not at all about the fact that I want to leave completely or break off relations with my mother, because her support, both moral and material, is absolutely necessary for me, because I am completely alone. By no means do I refuse to support her. And I don’t want to leave her, and not support myself! No! This is a very close and dear person to me. We are talking about the fact that since childhood, and then it gets worse and worse, I am and was in a strong, painful, oppressive dependence on my mother. She is also dependent on me, because she has been lonely all her life and she herself was in such a heavy unbearable dependence on her mother.

I want to learn, try to distance myself from my mom. But I don't know how to do it. I am looking for protection from this constant, unrelenting pressure of her on me, and I would like not to put pressure on her either. We have become somehow too close, it weighs me down when my mother crawls into my Soul, teaches me, and does not let me live on my own ... I can’t physically do anything around the house (of course I do, but with excruciating difficulties), especially when we will quarrel with my mother (yesterday, we literally spoke again on the phone, from her dissatisfaction, demands, claims) ...

As for relationships, you are absolutely right. This topic has been very important to me since childhood.
It hurts to talk about it and it is strange, but... it is necessary... Relations with people did not work out for me. I was mostly alone, I didn’t meet and didn’t feel (with my openness and trust) even from my mother. I lived in fear, eternal tension, haste ... I (as I began to understand) was a child unloved from childhood, I accepted a tough attitude towards me as the norm, etc. Sometimes it seems to me that I will never be loved, happy, I won’t find friends, that loneliness is my destiny, etc. I try to change myself, improve myself ...

Olga, how do you like the idea of ​​trying to write a short essay on the topic: "if not for the suffocating attention (influence) of my mother on me, I would ..."

Let's imagine that, for example, you wake up one fine day and realize that this problem is no longer in your life. At all! At the same time, your mother has not gone anywhere, and you continue to receive support from her in the amount necessary for you, but this does not have any painful consequences. Imagine? Write, please, what feelings do you experience this morning, when the problem seems to have disappeared? What you are doing? How is your day going?..

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, I think I've had enough strong man. But, after reading your message, proposals, I almost burst into tears... I barely held back the tears that came out in my eyes... I never even thought about it, seriously, I could not! This is for me some incredible, fantastic and unrealizable happiness!

What will I do, "if not for the suffocating attention (influence) of my mother on me, I would ..."? I am so shocked and shocked that I don’t even know what to say ... From birth to my 36 years old, I lived and live in this difficult condition, it became the sad norm of my life, and suddenly this will not happen ... And at the same time, my mother will be in good health, life and joy! My God! How I want it! How I dream!

Forgive me, this emotionality of mine, expression of feelings, but I expected something else from you ... I thought that you might ask or offer to tell in more detail what this control and even mother's terror manifests itself in, and you are suddenly so calm, without hesitation, talk about presenting a picture of life that is completely impossible for me ... I am very grateful to you for this! Since I am trying to think about such a turn and about freedom in relations with my mother, and this is, believe me, such a balm for the soul!

So "if not for the suffocating attention (influence) of my mother on me, I would ..."

The world saw differently! With this, I would have gained Faith simply in freedom in relations with people, because this was not the case before ...

I would get up early, early in the morning (because every minute of life is precious), I would admire the dawn and cry with happiness inner freedom!.. Tranquility and Joy would fill my soul, dreams would carry me into the endless distance of the future! I would think of my mother, mentally wishing her happiness and good luck ...
Slowly and slowly, without feeling guilty, I would cook breakfast, and open the window in the kitchen, enjoying the birdsong and the splendor of nature ...

Since I am a self-sufficient person, I would strive for an independent image, way of life. Since it is necessary to live, eat, dress at my own expense - I would work, and only at the job that corresponds to my desires (creative process). Therefore, I would come to work, work, communicate with colleagues, but keep a natural distance. On this day, I would call my friends, friends, and I would be pleased if they also called me. I'm not talking about long conversations (because at work it's inconvenient and impossible), but about a few minutes. and then, perhaps during breaks in work.

In the evening I would like to spend time with a loved one - a man. But not every evening. I would like to spend time with friends, girlfriends in a cafe or in another place. I really like to dance, sing, laugh, joke and, probably, for friends I would be a boring person.
My God! How difficult it is to write, I don’t know what! I want freedom, travel, self-improvement, create and realize my plans! I like creativity in different aspects - art, music and dance, cinema, books, theater! I write poetry, I like to understand and rise above the situation...

I would probably clean the whole apartment, wash the windows and wash the curtains!

Silly desire, right - to wash the curtains? I just never washed or ironed or cleaned (my mother did everything against my will), she felt sorry for me ...

And, of course, on this day and on others, I would warmly think of my mother and sometimes call her, maybe she would sometimes, and not every day, call me ...

I read it myself now ... all this is some kind of sand castle ... stupid dreams ...

some immaturity...

and it also hurt so much, as if someone had torn me away from my mother, like tearing off a piece of skin and ... throwing it in the trash ...

Olga Korikova, what serious work you are doing on yourself now! This, in my opinion, is very healing. And the fact that after feeling free and experiencing this fantasy that is pleasant in all respects, a feeling of longing, a feeling of abandonment came to you, only confirms how right a step you have taken in your thoughts. Of course, the presence of even just a strong attachment to a person can be very seriously limiting, and the presence of such a long and difficult dependence can be even more so.

I did not find the moments you described infantile - not at all. On the contrary, there was a feeling that an adult, free person, who manages his life, knows what he wants and enjoys life, is talking. For some reason it seems to me that this part is very strong in you. Olga, tell me if you try to implement some of the things you wrote about without shelving. Well, for example, to clean the apartment, wash the windows and wash the curtains - could you? If you try to imagine that this is your first step towards freedom and the fulfillment of your desires, and not someone else's desires ... How do you like this idea?

Olga Korikova

Catherine, thank you for your support! Your opinion is very important to me!

I am glad that my dreams and desires did not seem infantile to you.

Because I could, and I expected rather, the opposite. That, perhaps, you would tell me (as many of my environment (for example, at work) or someone I know said) that I am "head in the clouds" and in my own way - weak and incapable of action - " mother's daughter." And that there was nothing to do with some kind of dependence on my mother, because I simply invented it (this dependence), etc., etc. So my mother herself said more than once, everyone said so, and I was only convinced, rooted in the feeling, that I am such a "rag", a weak-willed creature, the daughter of the same weak-willed and miserable father, etc. All my life I tried to change, I was looking for methods for this, I re-read a lot of different literature, I tried to overcome myself in life, situations, etc.

As for the first step, eg. clean the apartment, wash the windows, etc. I made it a long time ago. But it was and is from childhood excruciatingly difficult. Now I live alone and do everything on my own, but I have to literally force myself to clean, cook, etc. It’s worth putting things in order, putting everything away, it lasts a maximum of 2-3 days, then I stop doing anything at all, “hands drop ", presses melancholy, a burden of guilt, a state of loneliness, and in order to make it at least a little easier, I watch various funny programs, films on the Internet (in which love and laughter and friends and a person are free ...), it becomes easier, and everything is cluttered around, garbage, unwashed dishes, abandoned things ...

I must say that my grandmother and mother, at the suggestion of my grandmother, all my life, always maintained cleanliness, order, worked constantly and very hard! And they (such a paradox), unlike me, had just a sea of ​​vitality, a lot, some kind of fire! .. You can say they "prayed for cleaning, washing, work, work and work again" ... And therefore, my grandmother simply hated me - because I was weak, sickly and even infirm (because there was no vitality at all). Cleaning for me was always a painful problem, I hated cleaning, the dacha (because my mother and grandmother spent a lot of time there), and I was with them ...

But they were very lonely. But my father and even my grandfather - these people did absolutely nothing around the house (their wives did everything), and they were sloppy, lazy, aggressive, cold, with great claims, but they still somehow communicated with friends ... My father's level of development in all aspects was very low.
With horror, I see in myself his hated traits - both weak will and insignificance and the praise of my insignificance and eternal complaints, illnesses, discontent, and a low level of intelligence ...
And at the same time, the features of a mother and, probably, a grandmother. Since childhood, I adore cleanliness, order, comfort, beauty in everything.
And the unbridled desire for knowledge, development, improvement!

But! It is extremely difficult to implement this. When I lived with my mother, she could directly say, ask, even somehow order me to do something, with difficulty, pain and inner heaviness, I agreed, cleaned or went shopping, etc. And then lay down on the sofa and lay dormant for several days. I only dreamed of how to part with my mother ...

It is morally difficult for me to clean up, in general, to do something, I begin to rush, fuss, scold myself, even demand! I have always had and still have the feeling that I am inside (especially when I try to do something or communicate with someone) just tied with ropes and chains, twisted! But I overcome myself again and again, I do something ... after futile attempts, I stop doing something at all and for hours, days or aimlessly, I lie dejectedly on the couch or communicate with people in the social. networks (mainly men). For some reason, they write the same "freaks", sorry, like my father or brother ... And even worse ...

Olga Korikova, it seems to me that you have now largely realized what you are talking about, that you are only dreaming about: you live separately from your mother, no one can force you to do what you do not want, right? You communicate with men on the Internet, so there is a chance that you will want to meet one of them. Perhaps such meetings have already taken place?

What do you think would be the next step towards distancing yourself from your mom?

Olga Korikova

Catherine, you are certainly right. To some extent, I have already realized my dreams, especially since I have been fighting for this for so many years! And I will fight! BUT! It's too much, it's too much, it's negligible from the thoughts that fill me, those desires that carry me forward! ..

This can be compared with that prisoner who spent his whole life in a dungeon, and he was lucky enough to inhale a little air, and perhaps a little more water ... But he is bound, and is not free from ropes, chains.
The rope, or chains, probably became a little longer ... But he painfully understands and feels that he is a prisoner ...

It is no coincidence that I wrote that I would cry with happiness if I were free from the clutches of this addiction and that I would open the windows every morning. This, as I myself understand, is an inner desire for freedom! Even now I open the window or windows, and it’s easier to breathe, but inside it’s like an anchor and an unbearable load ...

Mom told me (because I was very interested in this issue) about her relationship with my mother ... I asked my mother why did you leave her for another city? Mom answered that she wanted freedom. That it was very difficult for her from the vice, pressure, authoritarianism, the eternal unsolicited advice of her mother. I asked my mother if she had freedom in her relationship with her mother, she sadly and surprised answered "No! What freedom I was suffocating from control, heavy atmosphere, etc."

It seems to me that my mother inherited this position of authoritarian behavior from her mother ...

What steps am I going to take to distance myself from my mom? The question is difficult...
But I'll try to answer it...

I believe that it is necessary to break off the previous relationship with my mother, destroy it, somehow untie it or something, because they have already completely outlived themselves! BUT! I think this is a very painful and difficult process for both of us! I would like to take these steps and do it so as not to rape myself, not to force, not to upset and disturb my already vulnerable mother. Take these steps as delicately as possible, BUT ... DO! ..

Otherwise, I do not see the possibility of at least some changes ...

Ekaterina, I noticed that I was too immersed in my mother's life and let her immerse myself in mine!
Perhaps if I stop telling in detail and generally talking about my life, every day, what I ate, what hurts, what I did, with whom I communicate and (!) I don’t constantly “live her life”, then this will be my step towards trying distance yourself from your mother.

I also think that you need to SERIOUSLY, calmly start and already accept independent life as a given! Although now my mother demands that I move forever to live with her! But! Not only am I not in a hurry, but I am trying to soberly, calmly, and carefully assess the situation. I am delaying the move, but I myself am doing everything possible (even went to this psychological forum) so that this does not happen. I'm trying to rebuild my thoughts and views... Life together will destroy us both! This (as I, with surprise, begin to understand) cannot be allowed!

And about communication with men - this is a separate issue. Fear of them... and the only thing I can do is just write to each other (I'm not talking about any meetings, I haven't met any of them). And these men, they are worse than animals, sorry, but that's the way it is...

Olga Korikova, tell me, at what moment do you feel the strongest dependence on your mother? Can you try to describe? During a conversation with her or right after? Or does it have nothing to do with the conversation at all? Who usually calls: you mom or she you? How is the conversation going? Does it happen daily? Who ends the conversation?

Hello! I have been gathering courage for a long time to consult specialists about my problem. The fact is that from early childhood I have serious problems in relations with my mother. To begin with, our family was quite prosperous. We never lived in poverty. The house was in order and beautifully renovated. I didn’t need anything. A good school, beautiful clothes, a lot of toys. At first, my mother was very busy with me. She taught me to read, draw. Cartoons tried to show me only kind and instructive ones. Until the age of 5, everything was perfect. Mom and dad were in discord in the relationship. I saw how my drunk mother was having a drunken tantrum. I was scared. I started having nightmares. Both. Moreover, with special cruelty. I was 7 years old when my dad deliberately hit his head on mine. He just came up and hit me. Mom beat me with a thick belt and pulled out my hair. Over time, this became normal in our family. I am not a timid person, so I tried to stand up for myself as best I could. hands only for a while. Then we moved to live in another country. My grandmother was dying, and my mother looked after her. She lived in another city. And I lived with my dad for almost half a year. All alone. In a strange city. No acquaintances. Dad was not at home all the time. It was a difficult time, on the one hand, but on the other hand, no one touched or beat me. At that time I studied and didn’t walk at all. Because I was scared. I was a very insecure teenage girl. Then my mother came to us. Dad was torn. At home, the scandals were just wild again. With beatings and threats from my mother that she would commit suicide. I was just scared! That one day it will actually happen!

At the age of 17, I began to communicate with my future husband. But at first, insecurity really bothered me. I didn’t have a very high opinion of my appearance. Because my mother called me a fat ass all the time. were hungover. They asked me to go to the store for a beer, but I refused. Because I was tired. I can’t stand my parents in this state. I just could not communicate with them. I was both scared and even sick. Both parents, in front of their very decent friends, threw me on the sofa. Mom hit me on the head, and dad kicked me ... Then a miracle happened in my life. My beloved proposed to me and I agreed. He lived in Europe, and therefore I went after him. But it so happened that before my departure it was just my birthday. Mom quarreled with me because I didn’t wash the dishes. And he and dad didn’t talk to me all my DR. Dad came and threw me in the face of a banknote, they say, this is my gift. I didn’t take it. I packed up and went with my friends to a restaurant. Then I finally left. But I still hoped that at a distance my relationship with dad and mom would at least slightly improve. At first, yes. any chance to mend our relationship? And what should I do for this? And what am I doing wrong?

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. At the same time, she is a worthy member of society, and it seems like a sin for me to complain. But for some reason, our communication brings me basically only pain and resentment.

In an eternal striving to be better than others, my mother constantly demands the same from me. And it would be nice to just ask, but no, she manipulates, condemns and criticizes. She probably believes that only painful kicks can influence her in the direction of growth and development.

Sometimes I feel like my mom can't speak straight. Each of her requests is highly twisted and obscure. As a result, I do not behave in accordance with her desire and observe a disgruntled face with enviable regularity.

Some theory and thought

In psychology, it is generally accepted that parents are everything for a small child. First they are food, water, warmth and safety for the baby. Then, it is from them that he learns to perceive, accept and evaluate himself. On their example, he learns to communicate with other people, builds his future family.

I understand that the generation of our mothers did not have access to psychological literature. People were very ignorant in matters relating to the subtle sphere of the psyche and overly dependent on the opinions of others.

All this does not contribute to the upbringing of confident, independent and self-sufficient children. Children were supposed to be comfortable, humbly go to the garden, study well at school, become conscientious specialists in the factory, get married and have children.

And what they have inside few people were interested. This applied to many areas. The TV or radio broke down, gave it and it worked again. Few people understood that there are wires inside and they can stop contacting. Plugged in and works.

So it is with children. The dope was knocked out by lozina, belts, cuffs and insults. No one really understood the reasons for the negative actions of children.

To disgrace a son or daughter in front of friends by dragging him home by the ear was not considered shameful. And what happened after behind closed doors each house, will remain on the conscience of the older generation. Closets, corners with peas, ignoring, screaming.

That is why, with the advent of my child, I try to learn as much as possible about raising children: causes, effects, influences, features.

Me and mom

Almost every time we communicate, she, on purpose or not, gives me a negative assessment. Or maybe I'm interpreting her words that way?

According to my mother, my house is dirty, I don’t dress well, I don’t know how to choose gifts, do hairstyles, I can’t find the cause-and-effect relationships of many phenomena, and you can only communicate with me with eternal instructions and persistent advice.

Apparently, for my mom, I'm stupid as a cork. An unsavory assessment from the closest person, isn't it?

Last quarrel

We recently had a fight. In my opinion, it was her fault. By evening, I had cooled down and decided to call first and ask for forgiveness, as usual, putting my pride to hell.

For 17 minutes, I unilaterally talked into the phone on the topic of our relationship, apologies and my feelings. And you know what? It turned out that my mother put the phone on the table and went off to do her own thing. And I was uselessly shaking the air for 17 minutes.

I was very offended. It feels like my mom cares deeply about my thoughts and feelings. After that phone monologue, I didn't call her for 2.5 months. And she didn't call me.

I'm embarrassed to say, but I'm relieved. More than once during our silence I caught myself in dual feelings - guilt and satisfaction. But my conscience still bit me and I called first.

And I seem to understand everything, a person cannot be corrected at the age of 64, you need to take the features of my mother as a given. But I can not. And I have no desire to communicate with her.
Have you or your friends ever had similar situations with family and friends? How was everything resolved?

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