Recent requests for help. Parents are not chosen: why does my mother hate me? I hate my son and love

I am 68 years old. I had three children. Twin girls and a son, whom I gave birth to at the age of 37. In 1993. my daughter died, it is very difficult for me to come to terms with this terrible grief, but life goes on. The second daughter has been living in Germany for 20 years, and I live with my son. My granddaughter/daughter died two years ago dead daughter and my great-grandson stays with me. He turned 6 yesterday. My problem is with my son. Whatever I do causes a violent negative reaction from him and he insults me and mocks me. I am a disabled person of the 2nd group, I walk very badly and have become very fat, but I work, do translations and tutoring. The son is a lawyer by profession, does not smoke or drink, and recently began to live with a girl. I am very glad about this, because I asked God about it all the time. The girl is good and I try to be on the same level. But my son treats me with great disrespect. Everything annoys him in me and it doesn’t cost him anything to insult me ​​obscenely, and the great-grandson hears all this and says don’t cry, granny, when I grow up I will protect you. I understand you have to live, but all sorts of thoughts come to mind. I am needed only to use my money, and I do not feel sorry for anything, but I am also a person and I want at least some support. I would really like to talk and get some advice from those who have already encountered such a problem .....
Support the site:

Olga Leonidovna, age: 68/08/29/2015

Responses:

Nick, age: 42 / 08/30/2015

Hello! Maybe your son should separate and live separately. You are so well done that you are raising a great-grandson boy, I hope over the years he will become your support and support. Take care of yourself! God bless you!

Irina, age: 27/30/08/2015

Hello, I really sympathize with you. I understand that your son is already an adult. Maybe offer him to live separately? If he is so annoyed by communication with you. This would probably be the best option. A great-grandson is your great consolation, small children are so responsive. Ask God for strength to help you, probably no one else. Sorry that I didn’t advise anything sensible, I just wanted to express my sympathy, because I've run into the same problem myself.

Anna, age: 49 / 08/30/2015

Calm down, don't worry like that. Your family needs you, so you shouldn't commit suicide. Your son behaves unworthily. You need strength to raise your great-grandson, he loves and appreciates you. You are needed at work. I hope that your worries will decrease.

Kolya, age: 08/31/2015

Dear Olga Leonidovna, look at this situation from a different point of view: from the point of view of your son’s mental health. Don’t be alarmed, there is nothing reprehensible in my phrase. in relation to you, capricious, arrogant and irritable? Remember? Where does that come from? I see two scenarios for the development of events. Once he committed the wrong act (for example, he went to the wrong place to study or work), which entailed a number of unpleasant internal psychological problems for him. And these problems turn out to be unsolvable for him, except for how to live with and suffer them. So he suffers, not understanding how to cut this Gordian knot in order to feel like a normal happy person, as he once did before. He solves his internal conflict at the expense of the most patient (possibly kind and meek) person. - you.
For the significant people around him, he cannot show his psychological inconsistency. There he is polite and correct. If you find his internal conflict and help him resolve it, you will make him happy and calm and provide yourself with a more peaceful life. Actually, this is work psychologist-psychotherapist, if I'm not mistaken. You may not be able to do it. on the street, on those who cannot fight back. This is a mental disorder that is treated by psychiatrists. There can be many reasons for such violations of brain biochemistry. Everything is treated. Do not hesitate to contact doctors, psychologists and psychotherapists. You will definitely be helped to deal with this problem .Success to you and health.

Lyudmila, age: 65 / 08/30/2015

I was so touched by your story! how much have you fallen .. to survive so many losses (((I don’t know why your son treats you like that .... maybe he really needs to live separately? or you and your great-grandson - separately from them .... I wish you health and your great-grandson, and your daughter, and your son! may the Lord give him wisdom and love... and you.. peace and joy!! in no case leave your great-grandson!!! hold on, Dear Woman! The Lord is with you !

Marina, age: 38 / 30.08.2015

In fact, what I saw from my mother and her environment - strong, active, powerful women take care of their sons too much in childhood and adolescence, and this manifests itself in different ways. Someone controls every step, call, hates all the son’s girlfriends. Someone says, even if any, but in front of my eyes, while consciously and unconsciously putting pressure on the young family, still showing who is the true owner here.

Release your son, finally, on a solitary voyage, where he will be the master, and not you. It is not necessary that they use your resources, leave them to yourself and your great-grandson, and let the young live on their own, on their own resources, it would be time already! Set aside for yourself better at a sanatorium or at the sea with a boy!

Many people, being actually born, remain psycho-emotionally in the mother's umbilical cord. So, please, parents of your son, now as a mature man who is responsible for himself and the family that he created. For your earnings, your decisions. If he allows disrespect, then he must go and be the master. How can. But without you.

Alina, age: 30 / 08/31/2015

Olga Leonidovna, how hard it is for you. I did not face such a problem due to my age, I am younger than you. But observed similar situations in some families. Poor attitude of grown sons to mothers. And it happened like this: the mother gives everything, sacrifices everything for the sake of her son, and he behaves ungratefully, is rude, rude, offends and even beats. And the mother endures everything. Should this be brought to a situation? This is probably a question of ingratitude. And it seems to me that the person must be stopped. We cannot leave the situation as it is. It is harmful both for you and for your son. Because it could get worse. Can't you leave? You fulfilled your maternal duty, raised him, and you are not obliged to live together. If he doesn't like living with you so much, let him live separately. He builds his life the way he sees fit. And you will not interfere with him. And, of course, a small child sees everything, and this is not useful to him. Because now he says so, and then he may simply lose respect for you, because they learn bad things faster than good ones.
Is it possible to talk to your daughter, maybe she will somehow help you? Maybe you could move in with her, or otherwise resolve this issue with her help?

Olya, age: 42 / 08/31/2015

Thanks everyone. My son worked in Moscow for 2 years while renting an apartment. But now the firm has burst and he decided to work at home through. Provides legal services, representation in courts. He does not want to work in Moscow and rent an apartment there. Moreover, he began to live with the girl and also persuaded her to quit and work just like him. The girl is golden, but she is still young and looks into his mouth and listens to him unconditionally. And I can’t live with my daughter in Germany. It is in this country that only legal residence is required, neither a sick mother nor any other possibilities can get me permission to stay in Germany for more than 90 days a year. But I made a decision for myself - to stop giving money. I have a great-grandson, and his development is very, very expensive. Because of my legs, I can’t take him to circles and go to Moscow to the circus, zoo, etc. But this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t go anywhere. The kid goes everywhere, but I have to pay the nanny for everything. that's pretty decent money. But now the issue is being resolved about my barry plastic surgery / this is suturing the stomach / and here, too, money is needed and it is a pity that the son does not have any moral participation. Of course, I myself am to blame for everything, but you can’t return time back. According to the horoscope, my son is Bull, Aries, and he has all the nigots inherent in this sign in full. He is infuriated by my condition that I can barely walk, mimics, my fullness irritates him greatly. There is nowhere to go and I will have to drink this cup. When I met such students, I was horrified and never thought that I would also have to experience all this for myself.

Thank you. Of course, only I myself am to blame, and it is clear that there is no going back. I continue to pretend that I did not notice his insults and humiliation of me - there is simply no other way out. He liked living at my expense. But that's enough, then I won't support him, because he's already 30 and he has a specialty. He rented an apartment when he worked. anyway, the lawyer will receive 50,000 rubles. But for this you need to get up early every day and go by train for an hour and a half to Moscow and back the same amount. He persuaded his girl to work at home on a computer. And he doesn’t see that it’s time to grow up and support himself. And he blames me all the time that there isn’t enough money, so this or that friend had normal parents and an apartment and bought a car, and you Who? And mimics how I walk. I move with great difficulty, my legs hurt, disability is group 2. And I also need to put my great-grandson on my feet.

Olga Leonidovna, age: 68 / 08/31/2015

Dear Olga Leonidovna, I sympathize with you, not a single mother deserved such a boorish attitude. With your love and care, you put him on your neck, it seems to me that you need to decisively dot all the points, to voice that he is an adult and at this age people already take care of their children and help their parents. It's a shame to take money at the age of 30 from a woman, not like from her mother. Do not let yourself be offended in any way. I hug you and hope you change the situation.

Anna, age: 34 / 31.08.2015

Previous request Next request
Return to the beginning of the section

Recent requests for help

27.07.2019 I see no reason to live. It's just empty inside and that's it. Yes, and it will be easier for a mother to have 2 children instead of 3, both in material and moral terms.

27.07.2019 From time to time I fall into painful memories ... even fierce ones. Nothing can numb the pain of the heart. I don't want to live.

27.07.2019 I don't know how to get through this and let go. Help me find the strength in myself not to lay hands on myself.

Read other requests

Often family relationships cease to seem prosperous, and gradually life turns into a war zone. Often conflict arises between the child and the parents. The son hates the mother, or the daughter - a similar situation can appear in almost any home. And quite often it is not accompanied by serious quarrels. She appears for no apparent reason, just from scratch. But reverse situations are also possible when a child grows up in unfavorable conditions and is constantly attacked by adults.

Regardless of living conditions, parents, to whom angry phrases about hatred are directed, experience far from the most rosy emotions. After all, adults usually not only repeat, but also believe that they live for the sake of children. In their opinion, they do not deserve such treatment. Or did they deserve it? Why do children hate their mother? There are a variety of reasons. And some of them will be described in the review.

Difficulties of growing up

This kind of behavior on the part of teenagers is scary. And what is even worse, often children not only utter such a phrase, but also believe in it. Yes, and then they begin to act as if they sincerely hate. At the same time, family relations can be quite peaceful, normal, when parents are completely sane and try to find with their children.

A mother hates her daughter (or son) - this is familiar to many. Usually, such a situation is attributed to the difficulties that are characteristic of the transitional age, when a teenager begins to grow up, tries to find his place, to understand existence. At the same time, the conclusions of the child usually do not coincide with the opinion of the older generation, which causes misunderstanding, and then conflicts appear.

Main reasons

In some situations, the transitional age passes smoothly. However, situations where life turns into a nightmare also occur quite often. What are the reasons for such behavior of a teenager?

1. An incomplete family, it’s hard for one mother to cope, so she begins to take out her anger on the child, for which she receives in return.
2. What other reasons can cause the phrase: “I hate my mother”? Let's say the family is complete. However, parents can hate each other, which negatively affects the child himself.
3. The phrase can be called a total lie when the parents have relationships on the side.
4. Hatred often appears if there are several children in the family, and someone is loved more and someone less.
5. What kind of mother do you hate? A child may experience a feeling of hatred for that mother who does not pay attention to him at all, does not care and does not support him in difficult moments.

The above reasons are the most striking. They demonstrate that not everything is as smooth as we would like in the family. Children feel these situations on a subconscious level, which is why they begin to utter phrases such as “I hate my mother.”

However, problems can be solved by correcting the situation. But this should be wanted first of all by one of the adults. It is enough just to accept that troubles still take place, and find an experienced specialist who is able to normalize relations in the family.

When aggression is manifested out of the blue

Problems can arise without any reason. For example, the situation in the family is normal, but the teenager still vents anger. What causes such situations? Never forget that a child's behavior is just a symptom. It signals that there is some kind of problem even if at first glance everything is fine.

In such a situation, psychological assistance is needed primarily by parents, and not by the child. Only a specialist will be able to find problems and eliminate them painlessly for all family members. Otherwise, the child will simply lead to a nervous breakdown.

Wrong upbringing

There is a possibility that certain parenting mistakes can lead to the phrase: “I hate my mother.” Naturally, there are quite a lot of them, it is not worth listing them all. However, most mistakes quite often come down to an excessive number of restrictions, various prohibitions on the part of the older generation.

Perhaps the parents painted the life of their children by the minute, not allowing them to deviate from the planned plan. At the same time, they think that they are doing the right thing, bringing only benefit. However, teenagers begin to feel that they are trapped, they no longer have enough freedom. They can break down, come to terms with such a circumstance, accept the rules of the game, or they can show aggression.

It should also be noted that the reaction to prohibitions may not appear immediately, but it will definitely manifest itself when anger accumulates and forces appear that are enough to resist parents. And then the question will begin to arise why an adult son hates his mother. Or the daughter will not have the best feelings for her parents when she grows up.

Reasons for overprotection

Daughter or son hates mother... Similar situation may be the result of overprotection. How to communicate with children, so that there is no overprotection, nor permissiveness? First, it is worth talking about why many parents seek to patronize their child.

First, there may be beliefs that upbringing should be strict. Otherwise, the child will simply slide down the slope. And the higher the manifestation of severity, the stronger love by the parents. And this means that the child will be happy. But this point of view rarely leads to positive results.

Secondly, parents may be afraid that their children will definitely make a lot of mistakes. A similar reason resembles the first, but less global. If in the first case, parents are afraid of the unfortunate fate of a teenager, then in the second they are simply worried that he would not catch a cold or get a deuce.

Third, parents may stop feeling needed if they stop controlling their children. And if the child is independent, then it turns out that they live in vain? But, again, this view is wrong.

Mother hates daughter? Psychology admits that one of the above reasons is to blame, which is not able to establish a good atmosphere in the family. But it may well lead to even more serious conflicts. It is necessary to figure out how to be in such situations, how to behave.

Hunt to be needed

Son hates mother? Psychology admits that the reason for this is the desire to “be needed” by your child. Such a desire signals that there is a complex of lack of demand, and most importantly, dislike for oneself for this on the part of parents.

In such a situation, thoughts begin to appear that if no one needs me, then I exist in vain. Instead of rejoicing in the success, independence of their children, parents begin to take offense and form more and more new prohibitions. It is because of this that conflicts often arise.

Many parents believe that if they do not control their child, then he will definitely begin to make mistakes. On the one hand, this point of view is absolutely correct. However, it should be understood that the child will make them anyway. Otherwise it is impossible. To learn not to do stupid things, a teenager must first do them and be dissatisfied with the results.

Adequate approach to bans

Teenager hates mother? To avoid such situations, we must immediately figure out where bans are needed and where not. For example, you can allow experimentation with cooking if there is nothing poisonous in the kitchen. You can also fix your bike. But you should not mess with the outlet, it's dangerous.

You need to understand that you can achieve something worthwhile only on your own experience. And for a child to acquire it, parents should not constantly interfere with advice and recommendations. It is enough to simply determine what is dangerous and what is not. And if in the first case control is necessary, then the child is able to figure it out on his own with the second.

An unenviable fate awaits the child

Where do the fears arise that the fate of a child without constant supervision will necessarily be bad? The causes of fear are usually the same for all parents. If there is a girl in the family, then she is waiting ahead early pregnancy, drugs and prostitution. The boy will definitely get into crime, will constantly fight and will also take drugs.

In such a situation, the question arises whether control will help to avoid such fates. It cannot be answered unambiguously. In some situations, this saves, while in others, on the contrary, it pushes to everything bad. No wonder they say that

What does strict parenting lead to?

Overprotection can cause another serious danger. The child will simply get used to being controlled, constantly pulled and forbidden. Over time, he will stop paying attention to the words of his parents. Accordingly, this will lead to the fact that he will begin to violate everything that is possible, without particularly understanding the situation. And in this he will be guided by two principles. Either parents will intervene and protect, save from problems, or they will punish anyway, so why not do it.

In such a situation, he will follow instructions from his parents exactly the opposite. For example, if he was told that he could not walk without a scarf in winter, he would definitely try to go outside without it. And if he doesn’t get sick, and there won’t be any problems because of this, then other parental prohibitions don’t make any sense.

It may seem that an undressed scarf and drugs are too far apart things. But in the child's psyche, they stand side by side with each other, since, according to parental rules, almost everything is prohibited. Accordingly, in such a situation, reasonable boundaries cease to be developed. And that's why you want to break the bans so much.

Is it in an empty place?

What if the daughter hates the mother? Or maybe the son has negative feelings towards his parents? Outbreaks of aggression can also manifest themselves from scratch, when prohibitions with restrictions are reasonable and few in number, and peace and order reign in the family. Such situations are rare, but they do happen.

It must be understood that the child will sooner or later Big world and will try to occupy a certain place in it in order to avoid encountering difficulties. After all, problems with peers can be quite painful.

In such a situation, children will begin to take out their anger on their parents, since it is impossible to conflict with classmates, you can run into even bigger problems. And parents obviously will not answer the same. A loving mothers and are not at all capable of displaying negative emotions towards their children. Such situations are insulting, wrong, but it happens.

However, to say that parents are completely innocent in such situations is not worth it. First, the child subconsciously understands that the cause of many problems in relationships with classmates is the result of upbringing. And secondly, allowing rudeness towards yourself, you can one day hear the phrase: “I hate my mother.” Such situations are paradoxical, but they happen.

In families where it is customary to treat each other with respect, there are usually no reasons for such phrases. Often this happens only if the mother initially put herself in the position of a “servant”.

Problem solving

I hate my mother, what should I do? To cope with such a manifestation of aggression, it is necessary to change the position. But this is not so easy, as it requires working on yourself, revising the principles and your own behavior. Moreover, both adults and children will have to change.

On the other hand, children's emotions need an outlet. Therefore, it is not recommended to attach great importance to negative manifestations. But this is allowed only if there is an opportunity to talk, discuss what happened, learn about the true reasons. This situation is ideal, because both parents will calm down, and the child is aware of his feelings.

Finding a way out of the situation

What if the child hates the mother? Regardless of the difference in character, bad relationship, it is almost impossible to stop loving mom. However, due to conflicts and constant quarrels life turns into a nightmare. For this reason, we must try to find a way out of the situation.

Most importantly, do not forget that the mother will not hurt, spoil life on purpose, just because she wants it. She just thinks that all her actions are beneficial, and in the future you will thank her for this.

Below are some tips that will help you deal with the situation that has arisen and resolve the conflict.

1. We just need to talk heart to heart. Try to convey to her that you appreciate the care, are grateful for the help provided, but you need something completely different, you want to achieve other goals, and not those that your mother sets for you.
2. In no case should you break loose, say bad words. Such behavior will only exacerbate the situation. Yes, and mom from this will only be more painful and offensive.
3. If you are an independent person and do not want to be under the constant influence of your parents, find a way to prove it. Start earning money, live separately. In such a situation, it will be possible to avoid constant control by parents and acquire personal space. Yes, and you can spend your free time at your own discretion.
4. Maybe mom thinks she's single? Make her feel needed, help her find the meaning of life. Perhaps she just needs a friend with whom she can walk, talk about pressing matters. Maybe you can find a hobby for her. The main thing is to leave as little space as possible for negative emotions in her life.

What should parents do?

Firstly, you can’t always command your children, constantly demand something from them, psychologically put pressure on them. It is best to try to find a compromise, to agree with each other, to carefully listen to the opinion of the child. Naturally, he will agree with your point of view, but he will still hold a grudge inside, which will definitely make itself felt later.

Secondly, do not forget that children have their own lives. She needs to be interested. Do not avoid communication with the child, learn about his experiences and help with advice. There should be no ridicule, even if the problems seem banal and stupid. For children, all their troubles look global, crisis. Therefore, they need help and support. And if all this does not happen, then they will not experience positive emotions for their parents.

Thirdly, you need to try to find mutual language with a child, become a friend for him, accepting all the shortcomings and virtues. Parents just need to feel in the body of a teenager. Feeling all the grievances experienced, overestimating difficult situations, you can form a wonderful relationship. But do not forget that it is necessary to work constantly to maintain relationships.

Conclusion

Mother hate daughter or son? Do not treat such an event as a tragedy. This is just an indicator that there are problems in the relationship, and they need to be dealt with, to look for a way out of the situation.

Remember that there are two installations - for children and for adults. In the first case, parents are frightened and offended. And this only exacerbates the situation. In the second case, parents try to deal with the problem. Which setup is right for you? But we can say with confidence that if the problem is not solved, then more than once you will have to hear the phrase: “I hate my own mother!”

Hearing this from your own child is indescribably painful. Can something be done about it? Let's figure it out together with our expert Pavel Taruntaev, child psychologist of the "Interesnyy kindergarten" network.

Children and parents are about love. Must be about love. But in these relationships, sometimes there is so much hatred that it becomes even scary. After all, this is your very native person who you love simply because he is. And he hits on the most painful. Here are two typical stories - different, but equally terrible for moms.

“At the age of three, she hated her father. Now she is five years old, she hates me, explaining that I scold and beat her. He speaks to me in an exceptionally capricious, aggressive tone. Calls bad words that she learned in kindergarten. Trying to wean her from a bad vocabulary, I punish. For example, I say: if I hear this word again, you will go to another room. Tried to apologize for mistreatment if I offended her. She confessed her love. All to no avail: she cries and says that she will not forgive. He tries his best to prick me, to offend. What to do? Ignore? Be stricter? Pamper? Wait until it passes by itself?

Photo by GettyImages

“At the age of 17 I met my future husband, he was 10 years older than me. Turned out to be a drunken alcoholic. I tried to re-educate him, bore him a son. The husband ran away. In general, she is to blame, but that does not make it easier. There was no help, moral or financial, from anyone. I went to work in another city. Mom could drink and forget about her grandson. As soon as this happened, I returned and did not let her near my son again. She took the child with her. They lived in a rented room. He went to the garden. Even then, he began to have tantrums, if something did not work out or did not go as he wanted. He was very tiny, and instead of helping him, I got angry with him, scolded him, he screamed and stamped his feet. I didn't hold back and beat him.

Then I found a good job, I was away from morning until late at night. He was with nannies and girlfriends. He became aggressive, at the age of four he learned to lie. I understand that he was looking for my attention, he is a very open boy, but his laughter was heard less and less. I love him very much, but scolded and forbade a lot. Again, she raised her hand, and even insulted.

And then it dawned on me what I was doing with my son. He is in the 4th grade, grades are above average, he does not respect me. Right, but for what? We fight every day.

My son now hates me and says that it's all my fault, he's 10 years old, and we still couldn't cope with tantrums. At the word “no,” he screams and stamps his feet. He does not act like this with his aunt and grandmother. I am very ashamed in front of him and sorry that I am ruining his life.”

"I'm a bad mother" - both of these women make such a diagnosis. But maybe this is not quite true and something else can be corrected? To understand this, we must first understand why we hear such words.

Reason 1

Most often, “I hate” sounds in the heat of a quarrel. Often because we ourselves do not know how to talk with our own children. We habitually stand at the leading level: the parent is the king, he can punish and reward, order and demand. And we completely forget that the child must be treated as an equal - he is a separate person with his own feelings and needs.

Pavel Taruntaev, child psychologist:

A child often speaks of hatred because he does not know how else to express his feelings towards an adult and uses those phrases that he heard somewhere and are somewhat similar in meaning. Behind "I hate you" can hide a variety of true feelings of the child: grief, anger, annoyance, resentment, and even sadness. Therefore, do not close yourself from him when you hear offensive words. Talk to your child about his feelings, find out what he is really experiencing. “You got so angry. What made you angry? You wanted to play some more and that's why you're mad at me that it's time to go home?

With such conversations, we help him not only more accurately define his feelings, but also specifically express them. As a rule, when a child says something like that, the reason lies precisely in this - in the wrong wording. In addition, up to 5-6 years old (or even older), children do not invest in such offensive phrases of that deep meaning and meaning as we adults do.

Reason 2

Another child can behave in a similar way due to excessive pressure, excessive demands on him. Resentment, anger and bitterness accumulate in him, from time to time expressed in protest reactions, unpleasant words, open aggression, etc. In this case, you need to think about whether it is worth revising the system of education in the family? Has education turned into repression?

In my practice, there was a case when a boy forbidding his mother to watch another cartoon said that he would jump out of the window in order to “make his mother hurt as much as she hurts him.” Resentment accumulated in him for a long time and resulted in a phrase (heard, by the way, from his grandmother) on a seemingly trifling occasion. And, of course, the six-year-old boy did not have genuine suicidal tendencies, but there was a strong desire to “revenge”.

Saying “I hate you” can also be a child who is brought up in a family where parents are not completely sure of themselves and their decisions. There are no such concepts as acceptable behavior, respect, respect for other people's boundaries, parental authority. The child feels that he can behave this way, he is allowed to do so. By the way, with the help of such tricks, the child may try (often quite successfully) to manipulate the parents, forcing them to somehow prove their love.

Photo by GettyImages

2. We avoid reciprocal aggression and manipulations like: "Since you do not love me, then I will leave you forever." We remain calm and understand the situation, and do not attack in response.

3. We do not allow the child to manipulate us with such phrases. You should not allow your child what you just banned because he "won't love you." Explain the reason for the ban and discuss the child's feelings.

4. You should definitely think about whether it is worth changing something in the relationship with the child. Maybe there is too much pressure on him or we do not appreciate his small and big successes? Or, on the contrary, the child is allowed too much, maybe the boundaries of the relationship are too erased?

As practice shows (fortunately or unfortunately), often, no matter how parents treat their children, they love them. But to eradicate love methodically, drop by drop, daily - easily. And the result is deplorable.

And I want to write about my son, who is 22 now. I am a mother who hates her son. I never had big problems with my son. He grew up quite an obedient child. I raised him alone, with the help of my mother and her husband, a wonderful person. I tried to give him the best. I always went with him to the south to rest, and my grandparents always took him with them on vacation. I always ordered suits for school to order from beautiful blue velvet. I worked like a wolf to give him everything the best - the best tutors in English and French.

When he was 11 years old, we went to America, I married an American. All my friends and he also knew that I was not getting married for love, but in order to give the best to my son. In America, I also plowed even more, so that there would be funds for everything. In the 9th grade, he alone from the whole school went to Washington for a week, in the 10th grade he went on a boat trip on the lakes of Minnesota. A gift for graduation - school - is a 2 week trip to Israel. Naturally, this was without me, I could not afford to take a vacation for at least a week. When I bought clothes for him in expensive stores, the cashier told me that he was spoiled by you. I thought he deserved it. I am a very strong-willed mother, I always stood behind his back to push him in his studies so that he would succeed .. and be one of the best .. I did not have the means to pay for his studies, studying in America is very expensive. I did my best to get him a grant for education.

And so it happened, one rich university gave him a grant, almost 95% of free education. He went far away from me, we constantly talked, but I noticed he had a lie .. He began to lie to me. Started spending my credit cards without even asking me for permission. I said once, two .. three and I had to close these cards. I was angry, screaming .. but I accepted it. When I was already buying clothes for the university, they asked me in the store: "It's your child's birthday." no, I just want it to look nice. I have always been proud of him. Everyone told me what a good mother I am and what kind of children I have .. As my mother told me that my eldest son and I were "zaedinshchina". I also have a second son with an American, they are 12 years apart. My youngest is now 10 years old .. Everything seemed to be going fine .. BUT, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with grade 3 cancer .... And everything changed .... I entrusted all my savings to my eldest son, since we were good friends, and I completely trusted him. I didn't know how long I had to live... He also knew that he was the only claimant on my half million dollar life insurance in the event of my death. He had 2 years to study when I was diagnosed.

It should be added that in the 2nd year during the spring break I sent him to rest in Italy for 10 days, already being sick - in the 3rd year I sent him to rest in Europe .. He traveled through 6 European countries .. I naturally struggled with cancer as soon as I could .. With all my might ... In general, all the doctors told me that I would not survive ... And I, like a fool, kept saying that I really want this .. Here in the first year of fighting with cancer, my son somehow supported me in this. When I told him that I wanted to survive, he told me. "How will it turn out, so it will turn out, at the time when I told my youngest (9 years old) that I would try to survive, he told me:" No, I will not try, but you will survive, "moreover, he had such an inner conviction in this. .. I was on chemotherapy for a year and a half, he saw all this and wiped the sweat off my forehead and stroked my arm .. the elder supported me on the phone, but without much optimism .. I was very weak, and my mind was "like in the fog" from my illness ... And everything changed last summer, when the eldest turned 22 years old, and he had one year of study left before receiving his diploma. He stopped calling me, I could not get through to him for 5 days, he simply did not take tubes... I continued my desperate fight against cancer, changed 3 oncologists.. In the end, they agreed to send me for an operation, although the second oncologist did not even want to do this.

Relations with my son became colder and colder... I tried to somehow get through to his mind... it seems that he did not hear me.. Then I told him: "my friend, return my money that I gave him for savings .." and transferred 50% of the insurance to the name of my youngest son before the operation, and informed the eldest son ... At first he did not want to return, he just calmed down .. I asked him to do this again and said that I was not joking .. He returned, then only half, and he spent the other half ... and even refused to say how ... the operation came, a huge, 8-hour one .. they cut out all the organs from the small pelvis .... they put a colostomy bag and a urinal. .. on the second day after the operation, the surgeon came up to me and said: "this is a success!!!" ... I wanted to call my eldest son and tell him .. BUT, BUT he turned off the phone.... and I'm like a fool , I tried to get through to him all day ... In the end, my American husband wrote him an e-mail that they say call your mother ... He called him back in an angry tone and told him that he was writing to him like that ... And my my husband answered him that it was not him, but "your mother" dictated this letter ... That's when he turned on the phone and I heard his voice ... Even now, tears are ready to run from me ... when I remember this time ... I was on intraspinal and intravenous morphine for almost 10 days...

When I was discharged and I was lying at home with plastic .. He wanted to go to New York for spring break, with his girlfriend .. I told him that this was wrong .. And he needs to come home and be with me .. Support me a little a little.. He arrived for 5 days. and was supposed to leave on Friday .. And on Thursday I had indigestion and poisoning ... About 3 weeks after the operation .. I began to terribly vomit some smelly greens ... every 30 minutes .. I still I couldn't get out of bed on my own.. I had to be pulled.. I was alone with my youngest son, and I asked my eldest to stay with me for another 3 days until Monday... And my mother asked him on the phone and I begged him ... my mother even offered him money for it as much as she would take .. BUT he told me: "I'm tired, I've spent 5 days with you, I want to rest" .. And he left .... After that there were still many meanness in my address.. I survived, cancer markers are at zero.. there are no signs of metastasis.. I am very happy to live.. But my son and I don’t communicate anymore, he graduated from the university, got a good job.. and he doesn’t want to know us .... And now I understand that I hate him .... no matter how terrible it sounds .. and I told him that I no longer love him and do not need his love .. and that his name is no more in my insurance... and wished him good luck in life.. And only 3 years ago he was mine best friend.... Like this ... What do you, good people say about this ... I'm just crying now .... how is it, I survived from cancer .., and all relations with my son are broken ...

natalia:

I advise you to also find the book "The Five Love Languages" in the Institute. Most likely, you and your son, from his earliest childhood, simply tried to communicate in completely different languages ​​of love, and such inferior communication led to a severe crisis in the relationship. For example, your son understands and waits for the language of Support and gentle physical touch, and you communicated in the language of Acts of service all his life. Then he thinks that you never loved him, and you that your son hates you. According to the author of the book, this state of affairs is not too difficult to correct (in the most difficult and neglected cases it takes 4-6 months) by starting to communicate with a person in his Love Language and without requiring any immediate response from him (at least during the first 3 months. There are five basic languages ​​of emotional love - five ways in which people express and perceive emotional love. The problem is that we missed a very important fundamental question: people speak different love languages ​​and therefore understand each other so poorly.If we want to be effective in communication and overcome cultural barriers, we must learn the language of those with whom we want to communicate.Linguistically, a language can have many dialects and dialects. Likewise, the five major languages ​​of emotional love have many dialects. It has long been known that in early childhood, each child forms individual emotional stamps. For example, some children develop a stamp of low self-esteem, while others are fine with it. Some develop a stamp of insecurity, while others grow up feeling secure. Some children grow up feeling loved, desired, valued. Others grow up feeling unloved, unwanted and no one cares about them. Children who feel the love of their parents and their peers will develop a basic love language based on their individual psychological environment and how their parents and other important people expressed their love to them. They will have one primary love language, speak it and understand it. Later, they may learn a second love language, but they will always feel most comfortable only with the main one. Children who do not feel love from their parents and peers will also develop a basic love language. However, it will be distorted to some extent, as it happens in children who poorly learn grammar rules and who do not have a developed vocabulary. This does not mean at all that without mastering the school curriculum, they will not be able to communicate well. But this means that they will have to work on it much more than those who have had positive role models. In the same way, those children who grew up in an environment of lack of emotional love will also be able to feel loved and show their love, but they will have to work on this much more than those who grew up in a healthy atmosphere, surrounded by love. These languages ​​are 1.WORDS OF SUPPORT 2.QUALITY TIME 3.GIFTS/GIFTS RECEIVING 4.ACTS OF SERVICE 5.PHYSICAL TOUCH The five love languages ​​also apply to children, although they may not be aware of their actual needs and may or may not understand their own. reaction. To be good parent, practice communicating with each of the children in their love language. Speak all five languages ​​regularly until you have identified each child's primary love language. 1. Words of Appreciation - As we teach our children, we tend to criticize their failures. If overzealous, it can have devastating consequences in his adult life. Make a decision to praise your child for next week for any deed he did right. At least two compliments a day is a good goal. 2. Quality time - Get down to your child's level. Discover his/her interests and find out everything you can about your child. Be fully present, giving your child your undivided attention. Set aside time each day to give your child (or each child) at least a few minutes of quality time. Make it your priority. 3. Receiving gifts - Gifts, if overused, can lose their meaning and instill a false set of values ​​in a child. But gifts that you give from time to time, accompanied by words of encouragement, such as: "I love you, and therefore I have a special gift for you," can help satisfy a child's need for love. The next time you give a gift to your child, accompany it with a verbal expression of love, (You might as well express your love when you refuse your child something that you think is superfluous for him. "I love you and therefore I will not buy a rattlesnake as a pet" 4. Acts of service - Although you are constantly performing acts of service to your child, the next time you do something of special importance to him, do not forget to say that you are doing it because that you love him/her Choose something that is not very important to you, but very important to your child Learn new skills in the "academic" field or in the field of mechanics in order to become a more awesome parent 5. Physical touch - hugs, kisses and appropriate touch are very important for the child's emotional vessel.Take into account the age, temperament, love language, etc. of each child and find individual approach to each of them in this area. As they mature, you will need to be very sensitive to the situation and maintain a constant habit of touch for support.