Etiquette of family relations. What is family etiquette? What is family etiquette?

Family - the most important social organism of society. Health, life expectancy, and population size depend on its condition. Directly or indirectly, the family influences the economic and socio-political development of the country, its defense capability, the state of law and order, authority in the international arena, and the stability of the state. A new person is born and raised in the family. It is in the family that a child receives the first information about who he is, what country he lives in, who his ancestors are, what is good and what is evil, what is beautiful and what is ugly. An employee goes to work from his family, and he returns to his family after completing his daily official duty. By maintaining law and order in a city, district, town, an employee protects the peace and safety of his family and friends. In the family, a person satisfies his diverse needs, including aesthetic ones. The family is a source of joy, pride, well-being and happiness of spouses and children, grandparents, and other members. In the family, a person receives the origins of a culture of behavior and the basics of etiquette.

But the family can also be a source of grief, disappointment, an environment that oppresses a person, preventing him from living and creating normally. “Of all the misfortunes that befall a person,” wrote the great Russian writer M.E. Saltykov-Shchedrin, - there is nothing more terrible than family, domestic grief. It is not conspicuous, does not flaunt its wounds, and therefore always goes unnoticed. You have to experience a lot yourself to understand how overwhelming there is in these apparently small sorrows, in these imperceptible persecutions that do not kill you right away, but little by little poison every moment of your existence and, finally, make you unable to live.”1 .

In order for a family to live a happy and fulfilling life, to fulfill all its functions (childbearing, economic, raising children, caring for elders, satisfying intimate needs, etc.), we must not forget that relationships in the family, family life, and the actions of its members must be paint ityou. Moreover, the beauty of family life does not mean the beauty of the expensive interiors of the apartment, not the external gloss of its inhabitants, but the beauty of spiritual relationships in the family, the nobility and wisdom of the elders, the tact and attentiveness of the younger ones, so that the person in the family is valued, supported, strengthens his faith in justice, into goodness and beauty.

The term “family etiquette” itself has not found wide use in scientific and educational literature, or in journalism. At the same time, it is in the family that the foundations of etiquette are laid in all its diversity (etiquette of clothing, greetings, feasts, everyday life, relationships between elders and younger, parents and children, communication with neighbors, etiquette of family holidays, etc.). Moreover, etiquette in the true sense of the word in the noble families of Tsarist Russia was essentially formed mainly in the family. Having gone through a worthy school of education, the noble son only had to master the elements of civil service etiquette in order to be a worthy representative of his class, a servant of the Fatherland and the Emperor.

Etiquette family life very diverse. However, it is based on three main components of a full-fledged family: the etiquette of the relationship between wife and husband, the etiquette of communication between parents and their children, the etiquette of family life. Let's look at the three sides of etiquette in more detail.

The basis of a family, as a rule, is the love of a boy and a girl, a man and a woman who have entered into a marriage. Wherein aesthetic component(especially in the early stages of communication) often plays a decisive role. The external attractiveness of a partner, his manners, neatness, politeness, punctuality, signs of attention have a great influence on the chosen one (whether it is a man or a woman). And only after some time (sometimes significant), young people, having become spouses, notice each other moralitynew component(loyalty, hard work, caring for one’s neighbor, love for children, compassion, kindness, generosity, trust, the ability to forgive another’s mistakes, modesty, sincerity, etc.), which will determine the strength and purity of family ties in the subsequent years of life together. Nevertheless, the aesthetic component cannot be forgotten.

There are certain principles that determine the stability of a family and its spiritual comfort.

One of them can be formulated as follows: "What is being done inthe name of the family, its benefits, are not worthy of condemnation and criticism.”

For example, a young housewife, wanting to please her husband with some new dish, violated the cooking technology, any proportions (over-salted, undercooked, over-peppered, undercooked, etc.). The dish, prepared for the first time, required a lot of effort and considerable time from the wife. However, her hopes were not justified. A loving husband, firstly, will notice his wife’s distress and, secondly, will never say: “What have you prepared?”, or anything in a more harsh, offensive form. Another example. On the eve of the New Year (March 8th, etc.) the husband went around a dozen stores looking for gifts for his wife and children. He tried to please his household and give them a surprise. However, the gifts were selected and purchased unsuccessfully, in a hurry, and ineptly. Well-mannered family members are unlikely to rejoice at gifts or admire them (this would be hypocrisy), but they will certainly thank their husband, son-in-law, father and, of course, will not say: “Why did you buy all this?” or: “I just wasted my money.”

The following principle: do not try to re-educate your spouse (soupruga). In the relationship between husband and wife there should be no bosses and subordinates, educators and educated. In addition, according to the famous Soviet poet M.A. Svetlova, “only a poorly educated person always strives to play the role of an educator.”

Spouses must adapt to each other, influencing each other with approval (disapproval), stimulation, encouragement of desired actions, acts of judgment. Of course, it is preferable for some issues in the family to be resolved by a man or husband, while others should be resolved by a woman or wife. It is bad when all family concerns are entrusted to one of the spouses. The question “Who is the boss in the family?” - often far-fetched, artificial, of interest more to sociologists and journalists than to loving spouses.

In communication between people, and especially in family life, an exceptional role is played by tact as a manifestation of a person’s culture and upbringing. Tact is manifested in a sense of proportion, respect for other people's opinions, the interests of others, the ability to control oneself, and a caring attitude towards household members. In this case, tact should be shown by all family members towards each other. Parents, for example, can advise their son or daughter to dress, so to speak, according to the season and the occasion, but they must do this tactfully, without imposing their tastes, especially if the parents’ advice is addressed to fairly old children and is done peremptorily. Family life does not tolerate petty care, quibbles over trifles, whims, or unfounded claims against each other. All this, as a rule, is a consequence of selfishness, inflated self-esteem, and inability to control oneself. Let's say an employee came home from work tired, upset and did not greet his wife as usual, did not kiss her. In response, the wife reproaches her husband that work is more important to him than family, that he does not love her, etc. The husband is wrong in this situation, since one of the principles of family life says: no nobring troubles from your service to your family. The family, of course, should protect a person from work stress, but not by discussing the work situation, who is right and who is wrong, but by switching attention to relatives and beloved family members, their interests and concerns, to organizing joint recreation and recreational activities. However, the wife also acted incorrectly and selfishly. Feeling the depressed state of her husband, she should not have made a claim against her husband, but helped him relieve tension with a kind word, affection, a beautiful dinner, and good news.

If there is (should exist) a certain barrier between the service and the home, then there must also be barrier between family and work. Of course, the conditions of family life (relationships between spouses and other family members, everyday life, material wealth, conditions for healthy recreation and development) leave a noticeable imprint on the employee, his mood, work activity, relationship with colleagues, etc. However, this does not mean that, for example, an employee will compensate for a bad mood on his subordinates and colleagues, that he will share family information with colleagues. Such behavior indicates weakness of will or promiscuity of the employee.

Small, but as frequent as possible, very beneficial effects on family life. “signs of attention” of spouses. These include tickets to your favorite theater, a bouquet of flowers, a gift for a holiday, a favorite dish on the table, a reception of guests, a candlelit dinner, a bottle of champagne, and a joint outdoor recreation. Moreover, it is not the price of the “sign of attention” that plays a decisive role here, but the feelings that accompany it. As people say: “I don’t care about your gift. Dear your love! At the same time, there is no need to look for special occasions to give flowers to your wife, or a tie or pen to your husband. Of course, for an anniversary, wedding anniversary, birth of a child, or spouse’s birthday, the gift should be more meaningful. But again, if the material value of a gift is determined by the financial capabilities of the family, then its aesthetic and moral values are determined by the purity, sincerity and strength of the congratulatory feelings.

Family is one of the most important human values. A person largely lives and works for the sake of his family, its well-being, prosperity, and happiness. Therefore, the employee’s desire for material wealth, aesthetic comfort at home, the desire to make, as they say, the house full, is natural and normal. But everyday life should not become an end in itself, when it is not the material environment that serves a person, but he serves it, sometimes becoming a slave to his things (furniture, paintings, sets, wardrobe, cars, etc.). The cleanliness and comfort of the home, the availability of necessary and sufficient household items that facilitate household work and create conditions for healthy rest and raising children are the main criteria for the material component of the family. The basis of a true family, we emphasize once again, is its spiritual state, i.e. care, attention, love, friendship, compassion, community of interests and, as it may seem strange, the closeness of views of both spouses and children on such concepts as “Motherland”, “faith”, “ideal”, “duty” , even if these words are not spoken out loud in the family.

Of course, life in a hostel, a communal apartment, in the private sector, in a house “without amenities,” etc. creates serious obstacles to the normal development and maintenance family relations. Everyday life can even destroy a family (remember V.V. Mayakovsky), but not every family. It’s not for nothing that popular wisdom says: “It’s heaven in the hut with your sweetheart.” Minimal coziness and comfort can be created in any conditions. And you need to create. A print on the wall, a portrait of parents, flowers on the windowsill, a vase of flowers on the table, books on the shelf, fresh wallpaper, things made with your own hands, necessary household appliances, a radio, TV, washed dishes - all this affects people’s mood and can dull objective inconveniences of everyday life. An unpleasant impression is made by employees who have been living in temporary housing for years, doing nothing to improve it and improve its aesthetic appearance, believing that sooner or later they will leave their shelter. Dirty walls, crumpled doors, unpainted window frames, leaking taps, desolation, dullness, and wretchedness throughout. In such houses there are frequent quarrels, mutual reproaches, and undeserved insults. Rarely does a cheerful, neat, fit employee emerge from such a home, ready to successfully solve official problems.

Family life etiquette requires certain requirementsand to the appearance of spouses and other family members. In particular, he does not approve of sloppiness in clothing, when, for example, a wife walks around the apartment in a filthy robe from morning to evening, and the husband sports a T-shirt and tights with blisters on his knees. Home clothes should be simple, comfortable, but not devoid of aesthetic appeal. A break from service does not mean a break from what constitutes standards of decency.

Sociological research shows that sometimes adultery is based on purely everyday reasons. A neat man, who takes care of himself due to his upbringing and conditions of service, cheats on his slovenly and mismanagement wife. He finds rest and joy after the service with another woman, who always meets him with her hair combed, elegantly and tastefully dressed, in a clean, comfortable apartment, at a well-served table.

Due to occupation, education, health status, etc. family members have their own passions and hobbies. But in a family there must also be common interests that unite all members of the household. These interests can be of an aesthetic or household (economic) nature, related to raising children, organizing recreation, or caring for a sick family member. Watching TV shows together or reading and discussing works of art, going out into nature with the whole family, visiting concerts, museums, theaters, working in the garden, artistic creativity of family members, playing together at home or in the fresh air are useful. It is especially important to encourage and stimulate any manifestations of creativity in the younger generation.

One of the most important functions of the family is childbearing functiontion. As the famous song says, children are the “peak of love”, they are a “great miracle”. Over the years, children become the main raison d'être of the family, the center of attraction and the hope of parents. True, if at first (especially up to 12-14 years old) children need their parents more, then later, when the children leave their native nest, the parents begin to need their children more and more. Moreover, this need, as a rule, is not of a material, but of a spiritual, moral order. It is useful for young parents to know about this from the first years of marriage.

What their children will become and what they will inherit from them depends on the parents, their physical and moral health, and lifestyle. Children take from their parents not only the best traits, but, unfortunately, also their bad inclinations and habits, and sometimes even physical illnesses. It is not harmful for people getting married to become familiar with this in advance and take it into account in family life.

The first introduction of children to beauty occurs in the family. The role of parents here is difficult to overestimate. The great Italian dreamer Tommaso Campanella wrote in “The City of the Sun” that in order to give birth to a child who is beautiful in soul and body, the expectant mother must live in a circle beautiful people, listened to good music, looked at beautiful paintings by artists.

The aesthetic hobbies of parents (music, theater, poetry, painting, cinema, handicrafts), their attitude to beauty, artistic decoration of the home - all this does not go unnoticed by children and lays the foundation for their aesthetic worldview. A rainbow in the full sky, seen in early childhood, a dragonfly on the float of a fishing rod, a church on a slope, a branch covered with frost, the architecture of his hometown remain in the child’s memory and subsequently serve as a kind of criterion for evaluating both works of art and the surrounding world.

Dialectics of aesthetic education in the family is carried out almost according to the classical formula: from living contemplation to abstract thinking, and from this to the perception of works of art. The formula can be continued, since the aesthetic taste formed by works of art is manifested in a person’s perception of the world around him. So, without the poetry of A.S. Pushkina, A.A. Feta, F.I. Tyutcheva, S.A. Yesenin is hardly possible to correctly perceive and love his native nature. In the same way, it is difficult to do without the paintings of I.I. Levitan, F.A. Vasilyeva, I.I. Shishkina, A.K. Savrasova. Thus, the first step in a child’s aesthetic development of life is the family. It depends on the family whether the child, upon becoming an adult, will “live and create according to the laws of beauty,” which he will perceive from the etiquette of the family and life.

A.P. Chekhov put into the mouth of one of his heroes a phrase that became a catchphrase: “Everything in a person should be beautiful: face, clothes, soul, and thoughts.”

Not every face that is naturally beautiful can be called beautiful. If a person (man or woman) is cold, arrogant, selfish, angry, envious, two-faced, then no matter how beautiful he is, hardly anyone will call his face beautiful. A person’s appearance and his perception by others largely depends on the person’s moral virtues (sensitivity, sincerity, devotion, modesty, responsiveness, etc.). It also depends on his ability to dress, use cosmetics, and keep his body clean. The main requirements for clothing and shoes: neatness and compliance with the figure, age, lifestyle, circumstances, as well as fashion, as far as possible, of course. Clothes and shoes should emphasize your strengths and hide your figure's flaws. People with good taste, as a rule, have no questions about how and what to dress. Many people, unfortunately, do not have this taste.

A person who is actively involved in sports, tourism, in clothes and shoes prefers jackets, jeans, sneakers, sweaters, T-shirts, sports trousers, etc. At the same time, the wardrobe should include a formal suit, an evening dress for a special occasion, going to the theater, or visiting official institutions. Shoes (clean and in good condition) must match the suit or dress. Only black and dark gray shoes are suitable for dark-colored clothing; shoes in brown, yellow, and especially white colors are not acceptable. Light-colored shoes are worn with light-colored clothing. Sports shoes (for all their comfort) with a formal suit look ridiculous. If the suit is colorful, then the shirt and blouse should be the same color. Shirts and blouses in light colors go well with a dark-colored suit.

Accessories (gloves, mufflers, ties, handbags, jewelry, socks, stockings, etc.) play an important role in the clothing of men and women. With skillful use of this wardrobe addition, you can significantly diversify your appearance and reduce the volume of your wardrobe. The use of accessory parts requires compliance with a number of requirements. Thus, the color and texture of gloves should be in harmony with shoes and a handbag or a hat and scarf; a colorful tie rarely goes with a colored shirt. The tie should also be in harmony with the suit. If the suit is colorful, checkered, then the tie should be plain. In clothing, as in everything else, one must observe a sense of proportion. As one wise man said: “In clothes, try to be graceful, but not dandy; the sign of grace is decency, and the sign of panache is excess.”

It is also important to remember: what is permissible and decent in clothes and shoes in the country, on a hike, on the beach, is not permissible or undesirable in the service, in in public places. For example, shorts and flip-flops in a city environment are unlikely to decorate an employee, even if he is walking the dog, taking out the trash in the yard of his house, or buying a newspaper at the nearest kiosk.

Family life is rarely complete without guests and visits. The ability to make visits and receive guests demonstrateshuman culture. The hospitality of the host does not depend on the quantity and quality of drinks and snacks (although this is important), but on the cordiality of the hosts, their sincere interest in the guests, the need to communicate with them, and the ability to organize this communication. The desire of some hosts to give their guests alcohol at any cost indicates either their desire to have a drinking companion at the table, or their inability to organize an interesting meeting or conversation, or a lack of genuine interest in the guest.

The opinion that receiving guests without vodka, cognac, whiskey is indecent, unwelcome, and un-Russian is deeply mistaken. Strong drinks do not promote friendly communication and even more so interfere with business conversations. If it is unusual for the hosts to receive guests over tea, you can decorate the table with good wine and drink beer. The number of expensive drinks and gastronomic delicacies speaks about the financial capabilities of the hosts, and not about their art of hosting guests. An elegant tablecloth, home-cooked dishes taking into account the tastes of the guests, the hospitality of the hosts, a thoughtful program for entertaining friends of hospitality. It is important to remember that people visit not for a tasting, but for the sake of friendly communication. When visiting, it should be comfortable for everyone.

Thus, the etiquette of family life is an important condition for the strength and maturity of the family, the key to the successful implementation of all its functions, the basis for a full and happy life for each of its members. True family etiquette is a necessary step in a person’s entry into society, a prerequisite for his career and friendly communication.

There is no one in the world dearer than relatives, that’s a fact. But it turns out to be quite paradoxical, because we try to behave culturedly, with restraint and in accordance with the rules of etiquette with anyone, but not with relatives, justifying our behavior by the fact that they are “ours” and will understand everything without unnecessary ceremony.

We either see most of these people for the first time in our lives or never see them again. The question arises - why is this happening and what can be done about it? After all, restraint, culture and goodwill are the basis of any relationship, including family relationships, perceiving each other within the framework of mutual understanding and the right to self-expression. And nothing other than this can act as a guarantee for strong relationships in the family, protect it from misunderstandings and unnecessary insults.

The etiquette of family life is laid down from childhood

You should understand the importance of cultural circulation in the family, because its manifestation in society begins with each of us, and its formation - from childhood.

There is nothing difficult about following the rules of good manners. It is much more pleasant to accept good manners as a habit and show it not only at work, in public places, but also at home. Thus, speaking to children about good manners and good behavior, you can show this in practice how a child should act in certain situations and, most importantly, focus on the fact that good manners is not a function that needs to be turned on in public and turned off at home. Rather, it is a condition that the child must endure from the family and maintain throughout his life.

This is exactly what happened with our grandfathers and great-grandfathers. From father to son, from mother to daughter, a sense of tolerance and submission to elders, relatives and friends, and respect for others was passed on and cultivated. And to this day, families have preserved traditions of upbringing that preserve a friendly attitude towards each member of the family - be it the eldest or the youngest member.

The task of family etiquette, as well as etiquette in general, is to establish respect for the opinions of other people, not to hurt their feelings with your statements and actions, to show attention to loved ones and others, and not to show disdain towards them. In family etiquette, as in every family, there should be no manifestation of selfishness in any of the family members. First of all, a family is a single whole, and even if you are unable to build a good relationship with someone close to you (a frequent example is your mother-in-law or mother-in-law), this is not a reason to treat them with disrespect.

Basic rules of family etiquette

You should not voice your negative judgments about anyone in the family or others around you in front of your children. Remember that children are like sponges - they absorb everything that surrounds them. Having heard unpleasant statements towards family friends or acquaintances, a child may not understand what this is connected with and why they communicate with them, and on the other hand, a child without a twinge of conscience can come up and ask the object of discussion what the problem is. That’s when a really unpleasant situation can arise, in which adults often become hostages. If there really is a need to discuss relatives, acquaintances, or their actions, do it privately, when you are alone.

Correspondence also requires the same secrecy as discussion. This applies not only to married couples, but also to parents - in no case should you study other people's correspondence. Remember, only the person to whom the letter is addressed has the right to open the envelope with the letter, and even if it is signed from a close relative, but it is not for you - give the letter to the addressee, if desired, he will read it in the presence of the family or give it to him to read in person.

The personal belongings of each of us also attract researchers like a significant other, or caring parents. But even such a status of kinship and relationship does not allow anyone to rummage through the bags and backpacks of their loved ones, much less check notebooks, diaries, etc. Justifications for actions under the guise of control or guardianship will not work, even if they are motivated by good intentions; a scandal in the family cannot be avoided if the truth comes to light.

Respect children!

A child requires a special respectful attitude. As you know, children’s trust is a rather fragile concept, so you shouldn’t risk it by rummaging through his personal records. In the best case, misunderstanding will arise and the relationship between you and your child will deteriorate; in the worst case, the child will become secretive and start lying, and then you will not be able to help either yourself or him.

Respect for personal space is manifested not only in the sovereignty of personal belongings, but also in territorial integrity. Before you break it, knock on doors. It is important to do this not only before entering the teenager’s room, but also when entering the child’s room. His closed door is not at all an obstacle on your way; it may mean that the person wants to be alone, that he is changing clothes or doing something important that he does not want to be distracted from. Show him some respect and be sure to knock before entering.

There are many reasons to knock and enter a room, one of them could be an invitation to the table, a joint family meal. Don't forget about etiquette when eating. Remember it when you set the table - when it is set beautifully and neatly, it is much more pleasant to follow the rules of etiquette. It is customary for most families to beautifully set the table only for guests, but this is not correct. Don't be lazy and decorate the table every time you have a meal with your family. After eating, do not forget to say “thank you” to everyone sitting at the table, and if you need to leave the table earlier, you should ask permission.

Don't be lazy to tell your loved ones pleasant words and show respect to them!

Family etiquette is the norms and rules of behavior of people in the family.

When you start talking about family etiquette, you often come across outright misunderstanding, like, what kind of ceremonies can there be between your own?! Then a reasonable question arises: why do we try to appear well-mannered, polite and cultured with people who are often complete strangers to us, whom we will most likely never meet again in life, and do not stand on ceremony with our family and friends, although they are dearer to us? nobody here?

In the end, politeness and cultural, friendly treatment in the family are the key to stable and strong family relationships, which presuppose mutual respect, everyone’s right to personal space, and tolerance of other people’s habits and views. And what, if not this, allows you to maintain warm feelings without slipping into scandals and showdowns?

In addition, observing the well-known rules of family etiquette is not at all such a difficult matter, requiring incredible effort. On the contrary, it is the habit of behaving equally well-mannered at work, in public places, and at home. And yet, we should not forget that our children learn everything from us, and if they receive visual lessons of incivility from childhood, it will be difficult to expect that someday they will finally understand that a culture of behavior is not only a manifestation of respect for others , but also to yourself too.

Once upon a time, in the old days, the husband was considered the head of the house, and the wife was the soul of the family hearth. At that time, the rules of family etiquette were unshakable and strictly observed. And now many families have wonderful traditions, they maintain a respectful attitude towards each other, and this applies to everyone - older family members and children too.

What is the essence of family etiquette? It, like etiquette in general, calls, first of all, to respect the habits and tastes of both your spouse and the people around you. It is not customary in the family to stick out one’s self, demand special attention and show disdain towards one’s loved ones. Even if you do not have a cloudless relationship with your mother-in-law (or mother-in-law), your attitude towards them should be correct.

There is no need to discuss, let alone condemn, your friends and acquaintances in the presence of children. It is clear that a husband and wife can have serious problems, but such conversations should be held privately, alone. Children are not yet able to understand all the complexities of human relationships, and they will not understand why parents say unpleasant things to those people with whom they communicate. Moreover, young children can easily voice what they hear, just in front of those they are talking about.

Etiquette in general, and family etiquette in particular, requires maintaining the secrecy of correspondence. This applies not only to spouses - parents should also not read children's letters without their consent. If the letter was received from relatives or mutual friends, then it is necessary to inform all family members about this. You cannot allow yourself to rummage through the pockets, purses, and briefcases of your loved ones. The same applies to personal notes - diaries, notebooks etc. It is unacceptable to justify such interference in the personal affairs of any family member, no matter whether an adult or a child, and it is impossible to justify it with the best intentions, for example, to control or protect from a rash step.

It is especially important to respect the child’s personality. If he sees or finds out that you are rummaging through his computer, diary, backpack, this will almost certainly cause his indignation and ruin your relationship. Moreover, in such cases, it is very difficult to regain the trust and respect of children. They will become secretive, they may start to lie, and now you certainly will not be able to protect him or help him if necessary.

It is customary to knock on the closed door of a room if someone is there before entering. Closed door suggests that a person has retired to be alone, or to do something that is not customary to do in public, for example, change clothes, etc. You need to knock if you want to go into the children's room. Many families have joint family meals. And, of course, it’s also worth remembering etiquette at the table. By the way, the more beautiful and neat the table is set, the easier it is to follow the rules of etiquette. Therefore, if you want your lunch, breakfast or dinner to be pleasant, take care to set the table as it should be. And this should always be done, and not just for guests. And family members should not forget to say “thank you” after eating. By the way, if you need to get up from the table before others, then according to etiquette you should ask permission.

On the topic: “Family etiquette”

PLAN

The concept of etiquette, good manners oh and politeness

Marital etiquette: what is it?

Conjugal gallantry

Dale Carnegie's six rules

Conclusion

Bibliography

1. Concept of etiquette good manners and politeness

The established moral norms are the result of a long-term process of establishing relationships between people. Without observing these norms, political, economic, and cultural relations are impossible, because it is impossible to exist? without respecting each other, without imposing certain restrictions on themselves.

Etiquette is a word of French origin meaning manner of behavior. It includes the rules of courtesy and politeness accepted in society.

Modern etiquette inherits the customs of almost all nations from hoary antiquity to the present day. Fundamentally, these rules of conduct are universal, since they are observed not only by representatives of a given society, but also by representatives of the most diverse socio-political systems existing in modern world. The people of each country make their own amendments and additions to etiquette, determined by the social system of the country, the specifics of its historical structure, national traditions and customs.

There are several types of etiquette, the main ones being:

Court etiquette is a strictly regulated order and forms of behavior established at the courts of monarchs;

Diplomatic etiquette - rules of conduct for diplomats and others officials during contacts with each other at various diplomatic receptions, visits, negotiations;

Military etiquette is a set of rules, norms and behavior generally accepted in the army by military personnel in all areas of their activities;

General civil etiquette is a set of rules, traditions and conventions observed by citizens when communicating with each other.

Most of the rules of diplomatic, military and civil etiquette coincide to one degree or another. The difference between them is that greater importance is attached to compliance with the rules of etiquette by diplomats, since deviation from them or violation of these rules can cause damage to the prestige of the country or its official representatives and lead to complications in relations between states.

As the living conditions of mankind change, education and culture grow, some rules of behavior are replaced by others. What was previously considered indecent becomes generally accepted, and vice versa. But the requirements of etiquette are not absolute: compliance with them depends on the place, time and circumstances. Behavior that is unacceptable in one place and under some circumstances may be appropriate in another place and under other circumstances.

The norms of etiquette, in contrast to the norms of morality, are conditional; they have the nature of an unwritten agreement about what is generally accepted in people’s behavior and what is not. Every cultured person must not only know and observe the basic norms of etiquette, but also understand the need for certain rules and relationships.

One of the basic principles of modern life is maintaining normal relationships between people and the desire to avoid conflicts. In turn, respect and attention can only be earned by maintaining politeness and restraint. Therefore, nothing is valued as dearly by the people around us as politeness and delicacy. But in life we often have to deal with rudeness, harshness, and disrespect for the personality of another person. The reason here is that we underestimate the culture of human behavior, his manners.

Manners are a way of holding oneself, the external form of behavior, treatment of other people, expressions used in speech, tone, intonation, gait, gestures and even facial expressions characteristic of a person.

In society, good manners are considered to be a person’s modesty and restraint, the ability to control one’s actions, and to communicate carefully and tactfully with other people. Bad manners are considered to be the habit of speaking loudly, without hesitation in expressions, swagger in gestures and behavior, sloppiness in clothing, rudeness, manifested in open hostility towards others, in disregard for other people's interests and requests, in the shameless imposition of one's will and desires on other people, in the inability to restrain one’s irritation, in deliberately insulting the dignity of people around him, in tactlessness, foul language, and the use of humiliating nicknames.

Manners relate to the culture of human behavior and are regulated by etiquette. Etiquette implies a benevolent and respectful attitude towards all people, regardless of their position and social status. It includes polite treatment of a woman, respectful attitude towards elders, forms of addressing elders, forms of address and greeting, rules of conversation, behavior at the table. In general, etiquette in a civilized society coincides with the general requirements of politeness, which are based on the principles of humanism.

Delicacy is a prerequisite for communication. Delicacy should not be excessive, turn into flattery, or lead to unjustified praise of what is seen or heard. There is no need to try hard to hide the fact that you are seeing, listening to, tasting something for the first time, fearing that otherwise you will be considered ignorant.

Everyone knows the expressions: “cold politeness,” “icy politeness,” “contemptuous politeness,” in which epithets added to this wonderful human quality not only kill its essence, but turn it into its opposite.

Emerson defines politeness as “the sum of small sacrifices” we make to those around us with whom we enter into certain life relationships.

Unfortunately, the wonderful saying of Cervantes has been completely erased: “Nothing is so cheap and nothing is valued so dearly as politeness.” True politeness can only be benevolent, since it is one of the manifestations of sincere, disinterested benevolence towards all other people with whom a person meets at work, in the house where he lives, in public places. With workmates and with many everyday acquaintances, politeness can turn into friendship, but organic goodwill towards people in general is an obligatory basis for politeness. A true culture of behavior is where a person’s actions in all situations, their content and external manifestations flow from the moral principles of morality and correspond to them.

etiquette morality family chivalry

2. Marital etiquette: what is it?

The concept of ethics in relation to the family is used in the sense of morality, family morality and is considered as an assessment of the upbringing of family members individually and the moral climate of the family as a collective.

Human culture can be divided into two categories: internal and external. By “internal”, which is the main one, we understand morality, while “external” presupposes the beauty (aesthetics) of behavior. Both of these cultures are interconnected and interdependent; they must harmoniously complement each other. Love as the basis of marriage does not tolerate the slightest falsehood. Oddly enough, the absolute smoothness and politeness of relations between spouses not only does not guarantee a lasting feeling, but can also indicate the opposite - a lack of love. Loving people they can argue, be offended, be indignant, they can have disagreements. But all this must be expressed in forms that do not humiliate or insult the other. Loving relationships should be built on equal rights and healthy basis. As a rule, a woman is the inspirer in the family, and a man must be an active creator, which will help them both to fulfill their plans.

Marital etiquette presupposes the ability to coordinate one's interests with the interests of the spouse and other family members. Its basis is goodwill towards all family members.

Depending on the relationship between spouses, three types of intra-family relationships can be distinguished. These are confrontation, coexistence and community.

Confrontation as a type of relationship in a family is a confrontation between spouses, a clash of their views. Issues of raising children are often at the center of clashes. Coexistence is characterized by the fact that outwardly families live quite decently: adults work, children study. But everyone lives their own life. The main feature of such relationships is non-interference in each other's affairs. Even parents prefer not to interfere in their children's affairs.

Both of these types of relationships are inherently vicious. They negatively affect the development of the personality of a growing person, interfere with the achievement of happiness by adults, inhibit development or lead the family to the brink of disaster. Naturally, such families cannot be considered collectives. The picture is completely different in families that have community relations. They are characterized by unity or closeness of views, aspirations, interests, mutual assistance, cohesion. It is these families that real happiness awaits.

3. Marital gallantry

Marital gallantry can be called the most important component of etiquette. According to the Polish journalist Jan Kamyczek, this is a “special art.” See: Jan Kamyczek, “Politeness for Every Day,” p. 46..

There is a common misconception among men that gallantry towards one’s own wife can be regarded as a sign of matriarchy reigning in the family. As a result of this, a paradoxical situation often arises in which a husband is overly polite towards all the women he knows except his wife, while it is in relation to the person closest to him that we recognize a true man. In addition, a respectful attitude towards your wife is also a considerable tribute to yourself, because she is “his half”.

The “indisputable” duties of a husband, which can be equated to the mandatory regalia of diplomatic or court etiquette, include:

handing the coat to the wife, both at home and in a public place.

Don't read at the dinner table.

even if he is against kissing women's hands, sometimes it is possible and even necessary to kiss his wife's hand.

At the evening, the first dance is to dance with my wife.

always notice your wife’s new dress and say something nice about it. In general, compliment your wife.

always let your wife pass first when going through the door; give her small gifts even for no reason, buying flowers from time to time.

in her presence, do not look behind other women.

do not use the argument “I earn and demand...”.

do not walk around the apartment half-dressed.

When leaving home during non-working hours, inform your wife about the purpose of leaving and the time of return.

praise the lunch.

sometimes take an interest in what his wife was doing while he was not at home.

talk with your wife in general, and not limit yourself to just a “business” conversation.

There are types of critical husbands. They show their “attention” to their wife in such a way that they tirelessly criticize her appearance, dress, character traits, friends, tastes, and method of raising children. Living with such a spouse is not very fun. The husband must realize that sooner or later this kind and volume of criticism cools the feelings of the woman in love. Wives should think about something else: sometimes such a husband’s behavior is a consequence of his lack of self-confidence and dissatisfaction with himself. In such cases, balance in family relationships is restored by the opposite means of praising the husband, emphasizing his merits and achievements. An inspired husband will stop criticizing his wife.

Sometimes, though less often, there are wives of critics. “Treatment” is the same.

Here are some tactical tips for your wife:

When choosing toilets, take into account the tastes of your husband, and not just your own and your friends.

cook more often what my husband likes.

do not use his “sacred” objects”: do not take an electric razor without permission, do not clean out his drawer, do not rummage through his briefcase.

without blinking an eye, listen to his stories in society, even if she has known all of them for a long time. Don't interrupt your husband. Telling a joke with the words “Everyone knows him!” Do not question his competence in the subject of conversation.

do not criticize him in front of children.

Do not closely monitor, because control of a loved one can be especially offensive.

not to object to his natural affection for his mother.

sometimes give him a compliment, listen to his advice.

not to invite guests whom he does not like, and not to accept invitations that will be unpleasant to him.

It is better for a woman who has married a second time not to remember out loud the merits of her first husband.

And now a few words about what both spouses should remember.

In case of a protracted conflict or frequently recurring quarrels, each party needs to think about their own behavior. After all, as a rule, in a quarrel it is not really about a broken plate. A person who is a constant initiator of quarrels, after self-analysis, often comes to the conclusion that “his nerves are no good for anything”! This does not mean at all that you can now scandal with a clear conscience. Kamychek advises such people to go a little further in their self-analysis and ask themselves a legitimate question: why am I nervous all the time? It often happens that it is possible to realize the true cause of nervousness, and life gets better. Worth a try.

In cases where quarrels between spouses arise endlessly and without any apparent reason, sometimes a drastic measure is taken - a proposal for divorce. But it should be resorted to only in extreme cases. By following certain rules in discussions, disaster can be avoided. Here are some of them.

You should never present your claims in an ironic tone - such a tone offends and causes instinctive protest. Almost everything you would like to say can be said in a cordial tone, in a businesslike, polite and calm manner. This is the only correct tone in the family, because we speak in order to receive a response. The aggressive tone and intonation of the order are completely non-contact. Capricious intonations are poorly perceived. The consequences of irony and sarcasm where they are inappropriate. The saddest. Frank compassion does not justify itself, even if there really is something to feel sorry for a person for.

You should also avoid omissions that make mutual understanding difficult.

When quarreling, threatening suicide is highly ungentlemanly.

In a dispute between two people, one should never refer to the opinions of third parties. A completely calm and friendly conversation between spouses often turns into a scandal as soon as one of its participants refers to the opinion of his mother or someone else.

In family discussions, you should avoid various kinds of generalizations like “You always...”. You need to talk about a certain fact or case - and only about them.

Claims kill love. Even, and maybe especially, deserved reproaches. Therefore, you should resort to them as rarely as possible. The instinctive reaction of the person to whom we make complaints is the desire to isolate themselves from us. Repeating them frequently can actually lead to rupture.

It’s better not to tire your loved ones with constant comments. A remark about something should be made once and then in a friendly tone. Repeating it, especially louder than before, does not bring success: it is unlikely that the partner does not remember the remark; if he does not react, it means either he does not want to or cannot, and nothing can be done about it. Close people can be forgiven for their oddities or non-compliance with any rules, because we are all not without shortcomings.

What has been said does not at all mean a call for slavish forgiveness. Demanding a lot from himself, a person has the right to expect the same from his loved ones. But for such a requirement one must always find the appropriate form and time.

“Short circuits” in the family cannot be avoided. It is important that they are really short. Mutual apologies should be made as quickly as possible and normal relations restored. After reconciliation, the cause of the quarrel and the quarrel itself should be completely forgotten. Of course, there are situations when it is necessary, after reconciliation, to clarify individual mutual positions, but, if possible, this should be avoided. It is best to extinguish the quarrel and not fan the ashes.

In general, you shouldn’t “sort things out” too often. The behavior of one person does not always meet the absolute understanding of another. You can sometimes ask your partner why he acts this way and not otherwise. But even if his answer does not satisfy our curiosity, we should not at all strive to comprehend the “whole truth.” Sometimes such truth can come as an unpleasant surprise to us; the partner prefers not to talk about it, and “backed up to the wall” sometimes blurts out what he was thinking “to himself.”

Family good manners require that every statement from a partner be taken on faith. You shouldn’t catch a loved one in an imaginary lie or catch him doing something.

Of course, following all the above advice is a very difficult task. But they can really help to bypass, if not all, then many of the reefs in the stormy sea of married life.

4. Dale Carnegie's six rules

In his super-famous book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” American human relations specialist Dale Carnegie pays special attention to marital etiquette. An entire chapter is devoted to this issue. It is based on six rules, which we will now present:

No need to find fault

Don't try to change your spouse

Don't criticize

Express your sincere gratitude to each other

Show each other little signs of attention

Be careful

Let's look at each of these rules one by one.

“Of all the tricks that work without fail. The deadliest thing ever invented by the devils of hell to destroy love is nagging. This technique never fails. Like the bite of a king cobra, it always poisons, always kills,” writes Carnegie.

As an example to illustrate, the American psychologist cites the life of Leo Tolstoy. She was a tragedy, and the cause of that tragedy was his marriage. His wife loved luxury, but he despised it. She thirsted for fame and honor, but for him vain things meant nothing. She strived for money and wealth, and he believed that having wealth and private property sinful.

For many years she nagged him, scolded him and made scandals. When he contradicted her, she became hysterical, rolling on the floor with a bottle of opium at her mouth, swearing that she would commit suicide and threatening to throw herself into the well.

And finally, when Tolstoy was 82 years old, he could no longer bear the tragedy of his family life and therefore, one snowy October night in 1910, he fled from his wife - fled into the cold and darkness, not knowing where he was going.

Eleven days later, Tolstoy died at a small railway station from pneumonia. And his dying request was not to allow his wife to come near him.

Such was the price that Countess Tolstaya paid for her nagging, complaints, and hysterics.

Perhaps it can be decided that she had sufficient grounds for dissatisfaction. Certainly. However, this is beside the point. The question boils down to this: did the nagging help her, or did it infinitely worsen an already difficult situation? Did these reproaches and the frantic antics of his wife change Tolstoy? In one respect, yes, they have changed. They definitely changed his feelings for her. They made him regret his unhappy marriage and avoid his presence as much as possible.

The life and marriage of the prominent English public and political figure Disraeli is an excellent illustration of rule No. 2. He said: “I may make many mistakes in my life, but I will never marry for love.”

So he did. He remained a bachelor until he was 35, and then proposed to a wealthy widow 15 years his senior. And paradoxically, Disraeli's marriage turned out to be one of the most brilliant successes in all the annals of marriage, which contain so many banal, dirty stories.

The rich widow whom Disraeli chose had neither youth, nor beauty, nor a brilliant mind. In conversation, she made ridiculous mistakes, indicating her extreme ignorance in the field of literature and history. She had a quaint taste in toilets, and her idea of proper home furnishings was quite eccentric. However, she was a genius, a true genius in what is most important in marriage - the art of treating men.

No matter how stupid and frivolous she seemed, he never criticized her. He never uttered a word of reproach against her, and if anyone dared to laugh at her, he fiercely rushed to her defense.

For three decades she never tired of talking about her husband, praising him and admiring him. What did this lead to? “We were married for 30 years,” said Disraeli, “and I was never bored with her.” Meanwhile, some believed that if she did not know history, she could not help but be stupid.

No, she was not perfect, but Disraeli was smart enough to allow her to be herself.

Henry James stated: “The first thing to learn in relationships with other people is that they cannot be prevented from being happy in the way they want, unless it prevents us from being happy in the way we want.” "

This statement is important enough to bear repeating: “The first thing to learn in relationships with other people is that they should not be prevented from being happy the way they want to be...”

Or, as Leland Foster Wood notes in his book Growing Up Together in One Family: “A successful marriage is about much more than the ability to find the right person. This is also the ability to be such a person yourself.”

So, we can repeat rule number 2 again: Don’t try to change your spouse!

Catherine II ruled one of the largest empires in the world. She controlled the life and death of millions of subjects. Politically, she often behaved like a cruel tyrant, carried out useless wars, and sentenced dozens of her opponents to death. However, when the cook's meat burned, she did not say anything. She smiled and ate with the kind of tolerance that an average Belarusian husband would do well to show.

A recognized authority in America on the causes of unhappy marriages, Dorothy Dix, states that more than 50 percent of all marriages fail. And she knows that one of the reasons that so many romantic dreams end in divorce is criticism—useless, boring criticism.

All of the above is a preface to rule three: Don’t criticize!

“Express your sincere gratitude to each other” is the fourth rule, which, according to Carnegie, is one of the most important. Once, he writes, one peasant woman, after a hard day of work, placed a large armful of hay in front of her men. And when they indignantly asked if she had gone crazy, she replied: “Well, how could I know that you would pay attention to this? I have been preparing food for you men for 20 years now, and during all this time you have not given me a word to understand that you are not eating hay!”

The spoiled Russian aristocracy of Moscow and St. Petersburg had best manners. In Tsarist Russia, there was a custom among the upper classes of society to insist, after a good dinner, that a cook be brought into the dining room, whom they congratulated on a successful dish.

Why shouldn't a husband show the same amount of attention to his own wife? When she cooks a delicious chicken, you need to immediately tell her about it. The husband must let her know that he appreciates the fact that he is not eating hay. Or, as Texan Guinan used to say, you need to “give the little girl a standing ovation.”

And when you're ready to take this advice, don't be afraid to let your other half know how much she means to your happiness. Disraeli, whom we have already mentioned, was the greatest statesman England has ever had, but he, as we have already seen, was not ashamed to let the whole world know how much he “owed to his little wife.”

So, let's repeat rule number 4 again: Express your sincere gratitude to each other!

“It means so much to a woman!” With these words, Dale Carnegie entitled the chapter in which he sets out the following rule of marital etiquette: Show each other small signs of attention.

Since time immemorial, flowers have been considered a symbol of love. They are inexpensive, especially in season, and are often sold on street corners. However, given how rare it is for the average husband to bring home a bouquet of yellow daffodils, one might assume that they are as expensive as orchids and as hard to come by as the edelweiss that grows on cloud-shrouded alpine peaks.

Why wait until your wife is in the hospital to give her some flowers? Why not bring her some roses tomorrow night? You like to experiment. Try this and see what happens.

Despite his busy career on Broadway, George M. Cohen usually called his mother twice a day on the phone until her death. Do you think he had amazing news for her every time? No, the point of these small signs of attention is that they show the person you love that you are thinking about him, want to please him and that his happiness and well-being are very dear and close to your heart.

Women attach great importance to dates - birthdays and various anniversaries, and why exactly - this will forever remain one of women's secrets. The average person can live a lifetime without remembering many dates, but there are a few that should definitely be remembered. This is primarily the wife’s birthday, as well as the day and year of the wedding.

Chicago Judge Joseph Sabbat, who has heard forty thousand matrimonial disputes and reconciled two thousand couples, says: “In most cases, the basis of marital discord is the little things. Something as simple as waving goodbye to your husband as he leaves for work in the morning would prevent a significant number of divorces.” Too many men underestimate these small, everyday signs of affection. In an article in the Pictorial Review, Gaynor Maddox wrote: “The American family really needs a few new vices. For example, breakfast in bed is one of those sweet weaknesses that more women should indulge in. For a woman, breakfast in bed is almost the same as a private club for a man.”

The above quote applies not only to the American family, but also to any other family, including the Belarusian one. And it’s not just about breakfast in bed: any, the smallest signs of attention (and not only from the husband!) can be compared to the bricks from which the house of marital happiness is built. Ultimately, marriage is nothing more than a series of ordinary episodes. And woe to those married couples who do not take this circumstance into account.

So, let's repeat rule number 5 again: Show each other small signs of attention.

Carnegie calls rudeness “a cancer that eats away love.” Everyone knows this, and yet it is well known that we treat strangers more politely than we treat our own loved ones.

We wouldn't dream of interrupting a stranger and exclaiming, "Oh God, are you really going to tell this story again?" old story! It would never occur to us to open our friends' mail without permission or pry into their personal secrets. And only members of our own family, that is, the people closest and dearest to us, we dare to insult for trifling mistakes.

It’s amazing, but it’s a fact that almost the only people who say unpleasant, offensive and painful things to us are our households.

Henry Clay Risner states: “Politeness is a quality of soul in which one does not notice the broken gate, but pays attention to the flowers behind the gate in the yard.”

Polite behavior is as important to a marriage as lubricant is to an engine.

In Holland, before entering the house, people leave their shoes at the doorstep. We should learn from the Dutch and shrug off our daily duties before entering our homes.

Many of those who would never think of speaking sharply to clients or even to their own business partners, will not stop before shouting at his wife. Meanwhile, for personal happiness, marital well-being is much more important and significant than business relationships.

The average person who is happily married is much happier than the genius who lives alone. The great Turgenev enjoyed recognition throughout the civilized world. And yet he said that he would give up his talent and all his books if only there was a woman somewhere who would worry about him not being late for dinner.

Every man knows that if you approach a woman kindly, she will do anything and do without anything. He knows that a few worthless compliments, a few words about what a good housewife she is, how well she helps him, will make her save every cent. Every man knows that if he tells his wife that she looks breathtakingly beautiful in her dress from last year, she will not exchange that dress for the latest from Paris. Every man knows that by kissing his wife on the eyes, he can close them to her for very, very many things, making her blind as a bat, and that it is enough for him to kiss her on the lips for her to become dumb as a fish.

And every wife knows that her husband knows all this about her because she herself provided him with exhaustive information about how she should be treated in order to achieve his goal. And she will never know whether to be angry with him or resent him, because he would rather quarrel with her and receive poorly prepared food for it, would rather agree that she would squander his money, and he would buy her new dresses, cars and pearls, he would rather do all that than bother to flatter her a little and treat her as she asks.

Conclusion

To summarize, we can say that words such as “politeness”, “etiquette”, “gallantry”, “manners”, unfortunately, very rarely (and even too rarely) penetrate into the sphere of marital relations. Perhaps this is due to our hard life, when the only problem occupying our minds is the question of how to grab an extra penny in order to survive until the next salary. Good manners simply give in to the heap of life's difficulties. But the opinion that psychological comfort determines everyday comfort seems to me personally erroneous. Without psychological comfort, normal human life and normal work are impossible. And this comfort begins precisely in the family, therefore observance of family and marital etiquette should occupy one of the most important places in the life of each “unit of society.”

References

1. “Encyclopedia of a young family”, Mn, 1989.

2. Grebennikov I.V. “Fundamentals of Family Life”, M., 1991.

3. Kamychek Y. “Politeness for every day”, Mn., 1966.

4. Carnegie D. “How to win friends and influence people”, Mn., 1990.

5. Ethics. Textbook for universities. M., 1996.

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10 rules of etiquette in a family with children

Etiquette is a kind of code of good manners and rules of behavior for people at home, at work, in transport, accepted in a given society. And the rules of etiquette are intended to show the presence of inner ethics and beauty of a person.

Previously, education in children of good manners and behavior was carried out in cadet corps and institutes for noble maidens. Now these functions have almost completely (if you don’t have governesses) been transferred to the parents.
What are the mainrules of etiquette must be observed in a family with children?

1. “You must behave in such a way as not to create inconvenience for others, and treat them the way you would like to be treated” – is this a familiar phrase? Yes, this is exactly how both adults and children need to behave, not only with strangers, but also with family members.

2. No need to try sort out family relationships publicly, especially in the presence of children and in a raised voice. And it is best not to bring the situation to a clarification of these very relationships.

3. Do not enter the children's room without knocking. A child is also a person. You need to respect his right to personal space and the opportunity to be alone. Naturally, this does not apply to very young children, who should never be left alone.

4. Do not rummage through your child’s personal belongings without his consent. Some parents consider it quite normal to check their child’s briefcase and look into his pockets. Everything seems to be loving, for the purpose of prevention, but there can only be one result. The child will lose trust in you and begin to hide something from you.

5. Don't read letters that are not addressed to you. Even if you know for sure that there is nothing personal in the letter, do not open it. Don't rummage through email. children unless they ask you to do so.

6. Teach children table manners. Shared dinners or Sunday lunches with family are a great opportunity to instill such skills. Teach to use cutlery, not to talk with your mouth full, and not to wave your arms. There is a whole set of rules for behavior at the table, read them - there is plenty of literature on this topic.

Children's ability to behave properly at the table is a big plus. Parents will be confident that in any society and in any situation they will not have to blush for them. Moreover, in big cities, family lunches in cafes, or simply visiting them with children while walking, are becoming more and more popular.

7. Instill respect for the work of others, teach them to appreciate the daily work of their family.

9. Do not criticize children in front of strangers. This greatly hurts their pride, especially teenagers.